Thank you to x snow-pony x for reviewing.

Hello everyone. I seriously think I should stop apologizing for not updating often. Apologizing doesn't mean anything when I just keep making the same mistake… Anyway, here I am.

I currently have three multi-chapter stories for Epilepsy awareness stories. This one, Game on! And a new one called I could hate it as much as I want (but that wouldn't make it go away). On Wednesday, August tenth (today is Friday the fifth) will be seven years since I was diagnosed. It feels like yesterday but like a thousand years ago.

I've been so bad at updating this whole year. I will be trying to update all of my Epilepsy awareness stories on Wednesday… Well, when you read this I guess we all know if I succeeded. So… I'll just finish this note here and get on with the chapter here.

"This is a very nice necklace by the way. I'm so happy you bought exactly this one for me even though I wasn't there to help you choose it."

The day after Lily had come for respite care she and Carmen were in their room as usual, with magazines, jewelry and as much giggling as only teenage girls could make when they were together. I was cleaning in the stairs, hoping if I did these places no one had even thought about in years, maybe Mike would see it and ask me to do something else. So that I could stay a little longer.

"I know… It doesn't really have anything special or a special memory to it though. So it will now- the day Lily came back here."

"I could wear it in case I was to ever meet a boyfriend…" I heard some riffling in a magazine, then realized Lily had only been fooling around with the boyfriend-part when the girls started giggling together and I moved down the hallway again. While I mad a mental note to myself that I should mention it to Mike and Cam that maybe Lily should have her respite care here also in the future where she was with her friends.

"I have now done the stairs…" I told Mike just as I came inside the office. "That's the stairs done. Whoa! They were dusty. Have they even been done for months? Then I heard Carmen and Lily talking, it seems they're having fun. I can see you have paper work here. Do you want me to help out?"

"No…" Mike hesitated. "…I think I'll sort this out better myself actually… Why don't you call for an early night and go home now?"

"My shift doesn't end until ten…"

"I know… But you do look a bit tired and everything seems… as calm as it ever gets around here… I think you should go home, call Cam for a video call. And then have a long, hot bath because I know you like those."

"Is that your way of saying I smell bad?"

"Tracy…"

"What?"

Mike frowned looking at me, and I did get the feeling he was looking right through me. I knew very well what he meant but there must be something else…

"I can go take the toy cupboard, it needs some cleaning and sorting in it."

"Tracy please!... The toy cupboard has been needed to be sorted out for years. And if someone should ever do it, it should be done while the kids are at school and out of the way…. The cupboard isn't going anywhere… Tracy?" His voice and the look on his face softened. "Don't you think I can understand what you're doing? What's wrong?"

The biggest part of me just wanted to break down crying and tell him what was going on.

But how was I supposed to do that when I didn't even know what was going on myself?

"Fine!" I said in frustration, and when I reached up quickly and ripped my jacket from the hook by the door. "I'm fine. Why can't people just be happy when I'm trying to help them…"

If I stopped right then and there, I would have broken down. Said something about that I needed him to hug me just as he had been able to be able to before. Hug me, hold me and just make everything bad go away.

But I didn't stop, I stomped through the hallway without looking at anyone or anything, kept it up until I was past the big elm tree in the driveway and past anyone who looked out the windows of Elm Tree House.

There at last I stopped to think…

I could start my afternoon with walking home. So it would be yet a while until I was home and alone. But still, with every step I took it brought me closer to home and the loneliness in where I would have to spend yet another night.

Mike had said something about taking a bath. And normally I would have liked to do that. But I was just going to check my computer and when I saw Cam's name on it I decided to call her up.

"What's wrong?"

I could hear Mike's voice in my memory and feel how close I had been to telling him. Seeing Cam on the screen. And even there I could see how excitement was shining in her eyes.

"Hello over there."

"Well, hello over there. Ehrm… Listen, Tracy… I'm a bit preoccupied over here. Can I call you up tomorrow? It's my day off tomorrow so as soon as you're off we can talk for as long as you want." Even through the screen I could see a happy sparkle in her eye.

"Sure…" I said, a bit too quickly. "Well, no. This won't take long… I think… Earlier today I was thinking about that Lily would need some time spending time with people her own age. Something she doesn't get the time with of course, when living with Steve, or with you and me here. So I was thinking it might be better for her to have her respite care back at the dumping ground."

"Oh…" Cam was a bit taken aback. "Have you asked Lily about it? After all, what she thinks should matter the most."

"Of course…. I didn't get the time today but I'll do it tomorrow." I could hear something on Cam's side of the screen and she looked away from the screen and towards her phone. "I think that she might want that. But I'll let you go now."

Without waiting for Cam to answer anything else I pressed the button to end the video call and folded the laptop. That was when the same feeling as before hit me, it was like an elephant sitting on my chest- making it impossible for me to breathe and I could feel my heart beating all the way up into my ears.

I didn't get this more than I had than I had the last time it happened- what if this was a heart attack or an asthma attack or something else that would kill me without urgent care.

Then, just as I was about to pick up my phone and call 999 the feelings faded, and I just knew that if I was put in hospital or anything else of that matter Cam would be rushing back to me just like she had the time I had appendicitis. And by now I was an adult who should be able to care for myself while she was away for only a few weeks.

I could do yet another evening on my own, also this one evening…

Almost without thinking about it I took my phone again, but without calling 999 again I had searched up Seth's number. It was quite some time since we had spoken and he was always great fun to talk to, right?

When signal after signal went by my stomach dropped, of course being on tour he was probably busy. Then at last before I hung up and turned my phone off there was a click on the other side of the line and I heard that voice that made my heart feel all warm.

"Hello, this is Seth…"

"Hi, it's Tracy."

"Hi Tracy." Seth's voice got a happier tone to it. "How are you doing? You're calling me."

What was it with me? And what was it with everyone else? Why couldn't I just mind my own business?

"Yeah, I'm calling you." I tried to make my voice as steady and happy as I could. "How are you?"

"I'm on tour with the band."

"Yeah, I heard…" I tried to pretend I didn't want him here instead. "Congratulations."

"So, what are you up to?"

I was just certain if I started talking about what was really going on I'd break down and I wouldn't be able to breathe again.

But I also knew that I wouldn't be able to lie just now.

"You know, working as usual. I also have the flat to myself because Cam's in New York for a magazine."

"Wow. That's a big deal."

"Yeah… well, parties every night. A few of my friends have been over during the past few nights and we've had so much fun. But still… It's not as fun as it would be if you were here… I miss you." There was a pause on the other end. "Seth? Are you still there?"

"I'm here… Tracy… There's so much going on now. And I've met this girl now on tour."

Something tensed in my chest again. It wasn't like I owned Seth. It wasn't like I hadn't been the one to stay behind when he went on tour and it wasn't like I could tell him who he could or could not meet.

"Is that Mike shouting?" I pulled on the quickest lie I could think of. "Coming, Mike… Hear from you soon."

Before Seth could interrupt or say something more I hung up, and threw my phone on the table, away from me as if it had been a piece of burning coal.

And for a while I still stood there, staring at the phone. I barely knew myself why- maybe some little part of me wanted for it to call, wanted Seth to call me and tell me it could be him and I again- him and I as in us!

At last, when the phone's screen had gone dark since several minutes back. I grabbed the phone again and went to sit down on the couch.

The flat, the whole house, the town and the whole world seemed so quiet when I just went back to sit on the sofa. And hoped that what I had just told Seth was true- that Mike really was here and needed me for something…

…That Mike really needed me as much as I needed him.

But he was back at the dumping ground, I had to remind myself. And I wasn't supposed to need Mike as much or in the same ways the children did.

It was just that this world had never been so quiet and cold as it did that one evening I was afraid if I fell asleep that one nightmare would come back. But still fighting my eyelids open, in case it would I just had to keep awake.

After all, it wasn't even nine o'clock yet…

But at last I was so tired I drifted off sitting up…

Random fact

Well, as you can see I didn't manage to get them done and posted the day I wanted to. Oh well. Worse things have happened! I posted on my newest story yesterday the 11th and now this the 12th so close enough.