Disclaimer: Refer to the title.
Just for the Hell of It
You ever have one of those days? The kind where you sit down to have your morning coffee and the next thing you know you're kneeling before the dark lord having just given him a prophecy that would see him set on the destruction of Potter family? We all have, right? No? Just me?
"You've done well, Severus," Voldemort spoke, bringing me out of my thoughts and back to the present. "How shall I reward you?"
"I would like to be permitted to accompany you when you go to destroy them, master," I simpered. "I wish you to allow me defile the bitch on her husband's corpse while you deal with the child."
"Very well, Severus," the dark lord spoke, clearly amused by my request. "You shall have your wish."
"Thank you, master." Welp, this was a fine mess I'd found myself in.
The first thing I did upon being dismissed by the dark lord was to take stock of my situation. I had the skills and access to most of the memories of a young Severus Snape. That was the good, I guess. I was also a branded member of a terrorist organization run by a psychopathic monster. That was definitely bad. No sense worrying about things I couldn't change, yet anyway, best thing to do was to start planning and Severus Snape did his best thinking while confined to a dank room brewing potions so that's exactly what I did as well.
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia tensed when her floo announced an incoming call. Wand out and ready for action, she raised the siege wards and got behind something sturdy before she keyed her acceptance. Some might think her paranoid, less now than before most of them had been brutally murdered by the dark lord's forces.
"What is it?" she demanded.
There was no image in the flames, something that suggested that whomever was on the other side was not one of her allies. "Is that any way to talk to your new best friend?" the magically distorted voice asked cheerfully. "To start with, a hit has been ordered on your brother's family. Seven death eaters will make an attempt tomorrow night."
"Who is this?"
"Your new best friend," the voice repeated itself. "The choice is yours; get ready for a fight or get ready for a funeral. It matters not to me, but I would not suggest reporting this or asking for help from most of the department. The Aurors are riddled with moles and sympathizers."
Amelia's lips pursed, she already knew that. "Can you get me a list?"
"I'm working on it. I'm pretty sure that Moody is alright, Crouch I'm not sure about, the rest I have no idea."
"Why aren't you sure about Crouch?" she barked.
"His only son is one of the dark lord's most loyal," the voice replied. "Be very careful. I'll try to get you more information when I can, but since there's a very good chance I'll be discovered and tortured to death . . . well, don't hold your breath and don't trust anyone."
"How will I know it's you when you contact me again?"
"I'll call you Deep Throat," the voice said, sounding vaguely amused. "I'll try to leave that out if I'm under duress."
Deep Throat? Her jaw tightened. "Is this Sirius Black?" she demanded. "This had better not be a prank."
"While we share an appreciation for your magnificent bust, this is not Sirius Black," the voice stated calmly. "Now then, do you have a way to contact the Prewett twins?"
"Why?"
"Because they are near the top of the hit list, right after your brother's family. It might behoove them to get ready to face five wizards set on their destruction. Just FYI."
"Who's at the top?"
"The Potters. The dark lord want to kill them personally followed by the Longbottoms. Their children as well, he wants to make a clean sweep."
"I see."
"I'll try to contact you as soon as I can. Do not trust the department, do not trust Dumbledore, and do not trust anyone that you don't have to."
"Why not Dumbledore?"
"His organization leaks like a sieve. They've got at least one spy and they do not understand the concept of opsec."
The flames went cold.
"Well that was a thing," Amelia muttered to herself.
IIIIIIIIII
The first thing I did after closing the call was to start brewing. Admittedly it was an action I should have taken before doing anything else once I'd gotten back to my lab, but I'd really wanted to see if fannon had accurately predicted the size of Amelia Bones' assets. I was not disappointed.
Two hours after I started my product was set to create a crater the size of the Flavian Amphitheater the second I willed it. Three hours and I had a portable version that would inconvenience, if only for a split second, anyone around me. My memories, Snape's memories, were quite clear on what would happen to me if I were caught so I thought it best to take precautions.
After that? Well, the number of useful potions was nearly endless and the Dark Lord had spared no expense in setting up my laboratory. I had every ingredient available and storage faculties better than those found anywhere else in the country. It was a pity that I wasn't going to be able to enjoy it for long but needs must and all that.
It was all a blur after that as I lost myself in the art of making potions. The act of brewing was the only thing Snape had taken pleasure in, that enjoyment was another thing I'd inherited from him.
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia tried to keep calm as she felt the anti-transport wards settle over her brother's residence. Looked like her new informant had been telling the truth.
"Steady, lass," Moody whispered. "Give them time to gather themselves and get overconfident."
"Seven of them," she whispered back. "Just like he said."
"If you don't think the dark lord isn't willing to sacrifice seven of his for a chance to feed us disinformation then-"
"I don't," she interrupted. "Not that he wouldn't sacrifice seven of his own, but that he wouldn't use that to feed us disinformation. He coerces and corrupts, he doesn't use trickery like this."
"So far as we know," Moody stated simply. "Informants don't just cold call you out of the blue."
"This one did," Amelia said stubbornly. "I think-"
"I think that's close enough," Moody interrupted her. "We, the two of us, focus on the leader at the back in three . . . two . . . one . . ." They both cast their spells which signaled the rest of their team to hit the rest of the death eaters lighting the night up in a dozen colors for a split second.
"Stay vigilant!" Moody bellowed at the Prewett twins after they stepped out of their blind and into the open.
Fabian grinned in their direction. "We'd like to thank you again for the party invite."
"Tremendously generous of you to share the fun," Gideon agreed. "Not that I want to sound ungrateful, but-"
"Why us?" Fabian cut in. "You promised to explain after we finished cleaning up."
"So if you would be so good as to keep that promise, we would both be forever grateful," Gideon stated.
Amelia stepped out to join them. "I also told you that I couldn't share everything. Not yet anyway."
"Share what you can when you can," Gideon replied.
"Starting now, please," Fabian insisted.
"I was . . . able to acquire information that there would be an attempt to murder my brother tonight," she said slowly.
"Yes," Fabian said dryly. "We rather gathered that much."
"Wouldn't have come otherwise," Gideon agreed.
"Based on the same information, there are five death eaters assigned to you two and-"
"Five?" Gideon interrupted, his voice and expression expressing outrage.
"Insulting that is," Fabian growled.
"Dreadfully so." Gideon nodded sharply. "Why did Edgar get seven while the two of us got two and a half each?"
"If we didn't have enough reasons to hate the dark tosser," Fabian sniffed. "The nerve."
"The sheer utter nerve," Gideon agreed.
Amelia's jaw clenched. "If you could cut the bloody act for five minutes so I can finish?"
"Go on," Fabian prompted.
"No one's stopping you," Gideon added.
"There's apparently a spy in Dumbledore's secret club, the one you're both members of and I'm not supposed to know about, that's helping them find you two. There are also dozens of them in the Ministry which is why I asked the two of you for help. The people here are the only ones I trust right now. Happy?"
"Quite the opposite," Gideon stated.
"Not for a long while and not for the foreseeable future," Fabian sighed. "You have our support if you need our aid for something similar in the future, Amelia."
"Our silence as well," Gideon said calmly.
"Thank you." She glanced over her shoulder. "You coming out?"
Moody stepped out, grumbling as he did. "Sloppy!"
"Things worked out," Amelia protested.
"This time," Moody stated.
IIIIIIIIII
Amelia's floo activated again two weeks later. This time Moody and the Prewett twins were with her when it did, the group had taken to staying together when they weren't required to be apart. Safety in numbers and all that.
"Hello, Deep Throat," the voice purred. "I see you brought friends."
Frowning, Moody stepped forward. "Just who the hell are you and how the hell did you know she wasn't alone?"
"Settle down, Teenie Tulip."
"Answer the question," Moody demanded through clenched teeth.
"I'm not an idiot so I am not going to tell you who I am," the voice replied, sounding amused. "As for the second, the dark lord is aware of the fact that she has joined forces with you and the Prewett twins. There are now at least twelve death eaters given the task of ending the four of you and seven more tasked with killing you, Teenie Tulip."
"Teenie Tulip?" Amelia spoke up.
"His code name, Deep Throat," the voice replied. "Now then, are we done pulling each other's dicks or should we forget the fact that I contacted you to pass on information and keep at it?"
"What information?" Amelia asked, silencing Moody with a look after he started to open his mouth to say more.
"Got something to write with and on?"
"Yes," Amelia stated, pulling out a pen and notebook.
"Alecto Carrow is a marked death eater, I believe Amycus is as well. Antonin Dolohov who is also one of the members of the team tasked with your deaths. Greyback, which I doubt is a surprise. Igor Karkaroff, the Lestrange brothers and Bellatrix, also not a surprise nor is Lucius Malfoy. Corban Yaxley, and Evan Rosier who helped Moody with his nose." The voice paused. "Deloris Umbridge is a possible, I am unsure if she is a member or just a fellow traveler. Gilderoy Lockhart is not a member but has something going on with him, I'm unable to find out what."
"Anything else you can give me?" Amelia asked hopefully.
"Two Ministry moles," the voice replied. "Walden Macnair and Augustus Rookwood. The latter being one of the dark lord's most important sources in the Ministry. I shall endeavor to get you more information, Deep Throat. Until next time, dear lady."
The flames died and the floo went cold.
"Rookwood," Moody spat. "Damn it!"
"Bad?" Amelia asked.
"Worse," Moody said sourly. "He's an Unspeakable."
"Damn it," Amelia echoed. "You two get all of that?"
"We did," Gideon agreed.
IIIIIIIIII
Humans are creatures of habit and so life quickly fell into a routine of brewing, betraying the dark lord, and doing my best to avoid getting tortured. As an aside, the crucitus sucks and the best way to avoid getting hit with it was to convince the dark lord that his recent setbacks were due to other people so they got tortured instead.
I wasn't sure how long it had been since I'd found myself in my present situation, months maybe? Certainly less than a year. It was very easy to lose track of time when lost in the subtile art of brewing potions, one consequence of whose life I'd taken over, when I was again summoned by the dark lord. Hopefully not for another torture session. Those, as previously mentioned, really sucked.
"It's time, Severus," the dark lord purred.
"I've been eagerly awaiting this day, master," I simpered while trying to remember what in the hell the psycho was talking about. In a flash it came to me, right, the Potters. I'd forgotten about that.
"Let us be off," the dark lord pulled out what I assumed, turned out correctly, to be a portkey.
"Yes, master," I agreed.
We appeared in a small clearing, empty save for a rat faced traitor.
"Wait here, Wormtail," the dark lord ordered. "You have done well, perhaps well enough to grant you a turn after Severus has had his fun."
"Thank you, master," the traitor simpered. I had to give it to him, he was a first class groveler. I'd been practicing for months and I wasn't ten percent as proficient as he was.
I followed the dark lord through the wood to a small cottage. "Shall we announce ourselves?" the dark lord laughed. A few practiced wand flicks cut the house off from the outside world. "The wards are down, Severus," the dark lord said gleefully. "Shall we let ourselves in?"
"I believe that would be the most appropriate thing to do, master," I agreed. I hit the fucker in the back of the head with a killing curse the second he touched the knob.
IIIIIIIIII
James' entire focus was on the front door, wand ready. The wards were down and any minute now the dark lord would arrive and he would have to sell his life to buy his wife enough time to enact her desperate plan. The seconds ticked by. Any minute now. A frown appeared on his face. His arm was getting tired and he was starting to get bored, weren't death eater attacks supposed to be more exciting than this?
"Lils!"
"Almost done!" she screamed back.
"I think it might be a false alarm," he called up.
"What?" his blushing bride sounded like she was feeling as annoyed as he was. "Do you know how hard it is to etch these runes? It's not like I can just do it ahead of time either, they need to be fresh for the ritual to work!"
"I'm gonna check it out," he replied. "Keep preparing." Slowly, carefully, he edged towards the door. Maybe it was a trick? His eyes narrowed once again, he was taking no chances. Risking a quick peek out the window revealed a scene that strongly suggested his best friends were playing a prank on him. Incredulously, he took a much longer look.
Severus Snape appeared to be urinating on the corpse of the most feared wizard in Britain.
The man noticed him starting through the window. "What's up, dick nips?"
"Lils!" his voice sounded shrill. "I think you need to handle this!" When in doubt, dump it on someone else. That was his motto.
"Was it another one of Sirius' stupid pranks?" Her voice had gone from annoyed to enraged. "Honestly! If it was I'm making an appointment with a vet and he's just going to have to hope that the healers can regrow or reattach them."
"It's not one of Sirius' pranks," James said, unsure if he was telling the truth. "At least I think it isn't," he trailed off.
His lovely bride joined him. She too was taken aback and just stared at the scene before them for a few moments. "Is that Severus or did Sirius find another bottle of polyjuice?"
Through the window, they watched their former classmate finish his urination, make a rude gesture in the direction of the window, and then turn to walk away.
"Severus, wait!" Lily screamed.
The man paused. "What is it?"
"Thank you," she sobbed.
Snape shrugged. "That all you needed?"
"What made you change your mind?" she asked desperately.
"Change my mind?" Snape laughed. "I never changed my mind about anything except your suitability as wife material. Come on, Lils, I know you're not the brightest witch in the world seeing as how you married Potter, but come on."
"Uh." James raised his hand. "Can I say something?"
"No," Snape replied cheerfully. "Can we hurry this up? I've got things I need to do before people realize that the fucker is indisposed."
"So you were undercover this whole time?" Lily asked, trying to understand the situation.
"Yeah," Snape agreed. "Really? You didn't think it was strange that I, your best friend, would go from being your best friend to insulting you in one day? Even after you showed the poor taste to fall for that asshole. I mean, yeah, that sort of poor judgement showed me that you weren't the sort of witch I wanted but just because I think you're an idiot doesn't make you not my friend."
"Hey," James whined.
"Fuck off, Potter," Snape said cheerfully.
"Who put you undercover?" Lily demanded.
"I did," he replied.
"You can't put yourself undercover," she said in outrage.
"Lils," James said, sparing Snape an uncomfortable glance. "I think that the fact that he did and got away with it proves you wrong."
IIIIIIIIII
Peter was waiting where we'd left them, pacing nervously but too afraid to leave. Perfect.
"Is it done?" the rat faced man asked.
I replied with a killing curse to the face. Fucker was only carrying about fifty Galleons but that and his wand were added to my escape kit along with everything the dark lord had been carrying which, fortunately, I'd remembered to loot before I'd pissed on his still cooling corpse. Waste not want not.
The portkey was on the ground where the dark lord had dropped it and, fortunately, it had enough juice to take be back to our evil headquarters.
There were three other death eaters there when I returned and collectively they contributed another two hundred galleons and three wands to my vacation fund. The rest of the building didn't have much loot, aside of course from my lab which unfortunately I couldn't completely pack up and take . . . or could I?
I considered the matter as I walked to my fireplace. Maybe if I . . . no, but if I . . . that could work? I tossed a pinch of powder into the flames and shouted out my destination.
"What is it?" Lucius demanded. "Severus?"
"The master has been gravely injured," I told the peacock, trying to look worried. "Let me through."
Lucius stepped back from the flames to permit me entry into his house. I'd say that it was the last mistake he ever made but since I stunned him and tied him to a chair so it was possible that he'd live long enough to make another.
I found his wife upstairs in the nursery with their spawn. "Severus?" she exclaimed in surprise. "Is something wrong?"
"Gather your elves, have them grab everything you don't want to lose and enough gold to fund at least a year on the continent and leave. You have five minutes."
To her credit, she hastened to carry out my instructions before demanding to know what was happening.
"You'll know everything in a couple days," I promised her. "In the mean time do as I say if you don't want to suffer a bad end." She was gone three minutes later and, unfortunately for him, Lucius was just coming around when I returned to attend him.
"One hundred thousand galleons," he moaned. "I'll give you one hundred thousand galleons to tell the dark lord that I wasn't here when you arrived."
I gave him a lethal dose of verataserum and got to questioning. I started by asking about his contingency plans and the whereabouts of his escape kits and finished with the names of any other death eaters he knew along with their floo addresses. I got Crabbe after I was done with Lucius, Goyle after I was done with Crabbe, and thirty two more before the survivors got wise to the fact that no one who went to the Malfoy Manor returned. I hit the place with fiendfyre on the way out, engulfing the place in magical flames a split second before I returned to my lab. Now then, what next? Another pinch of powder went into the flames and another face appeared on the other side.
"Hello, Deep Throat," I said, stooping so she could get a look at me. "A pleasure to see you again."
"Se-" Her brows knit as she tried to remember my name.
"Severus Snape, at your service, Deep Throat," I said, supplying her with my identity. "I'm just calling to let you know that the dark lord is dead, that he has several dark objects that could resurrect him, and the names of a few more death eaters if you want them."
Moody's face appeared. "What?"
"I was quite clear, Teenie Tulip, I am not going to repeat myself." I shifted my attention back to Amelia Bones' breasts. "Now then, are you ready to start writing?" I gave them everything I'd gathered and could remember from the books; names, locations, crimes, targets, and plans. Voldemort was going to have a much harder time coming back if spent even an afternoon trying to prevent it. The only snag that I saw was the goblins, I was unsure if Gringotts would be willing to cooperate but that too was nothing a bit of murder couldn't solve so I guess we'd see.
"That it?" Moody asked after I finished speaking.
"Everything I'm willing to give you," I replied, my attention still fixed on Amelia's magnificent bust. "And so I bid to you, adieu."
"Wait!" Amelia said quickly. "What are you going to do?"
"I am going to do my very best to avoid being put on trial for my many many crimes and to avoid getting murdered by either side of this little fracas," I stated, being completely honest.
"What sort of crimes are we talking about?" she persisted. "Maybe we can get you some sort of deal."
"Well, thirty seven uses of the killing curse tonight along with thirty seven corresponding murders to start with," I said cheerfully. "Oh, arson and larceny as well and I was thinking about doing a bit of grave robbery later if time permitted." I cut the connection on her dumfounded look. That had been fun.
I made a brief stop in Little Hangleton to commit a bit more arson on my way to Diagon Alley. I had a shopping trip to do.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius looked down at the corpse of what had been the most feared wizard in the land. Shifted his attention to his best friend, to his best friend's wife, and back to the corpse.
"Why does he smell like piss?" the man asked, his animagus form having dramatically improved his human form's senses.
"Because Snape pissed on him," James replied. "Turns out he was undercover the whole time."
Sirius blinked. "Who put him undercover?"
"He did," James answered.
Sirius' eyes blazed with barely restrained fury. "You can put yourself undercover?"
"No!" Lily stated.
"Apparently," James replied.
"Why didn't anyone tell me that you can put yourself undercover?" Sirius continued, ignoring Lily. "I'd have put myself undercover years ago! Do you know how many birds I could have pulled by telling them that I was some sort of undercover operative?"
Lily's lips pursed in annoyance. "Part of the point of being undercover is that you can't tell anyone about it."
"Only if you're doing it wrong," Sirius disagreed. "Starting now, I'm undercover." He grinned, the witches would be all over him.
"Moving along, what now?" James said, trying to get the conversation back on track.
Sirius nodded. "Well, first I think we need to find Peter and torture him to death for betraying us."
"Idiot!" Lily growled. "First we need to call Professor Dumbledore!" She turned and stormed back into the house.
"What's her problem?" Sirius asked.
"Snape, her best friend, was undercover and didn't tell her," James said gravely.
"That's harsh," Sirius said sympathetically. "You'd tell me if you were undercover, right?"
"What kind of friend would I be if I didn't?"
IIIIIIIIII
Vernon was having a bad day. First he'd been accosted by some freak in a dressing gown then there were all the damned owls everywhere and finally he'd gotten a punctured tire on the way home, delaying his return by nearly half an hour.
His wife, the love of his life, had listened sympathetically to his angry rant and after putting their boy to bed had done her best to take his mind off it. Carnally. She repeated her performance the next night and the night after, wiping away all traces of his sour mood and eventually resulting in the birth of his second, a perfect angel just like her mother.
Truly his life was perfect, perfectly ordinary and dull. Just the way he liked it. Years passed and he never once thought about anything that had happened save for the occasional fond remembrance of that night.
Vernon loved his life, he loved his wife, he loved his pack of children, and he would never appear in this fic again since he never had any more encounters with the magical world.
IIIIIIIIII
Sirius was the fifth to arrive at the secret meeting place of the Order of the Phoenix along with Lily and James. Third and fourth respectively.
"Come on!" Lily demanded, grabbing her husband by the hand and marching towards their leader. "We need to tell Dumbledore everything that happened before the meeting starts!"
"Calm down, Lils," James tried to soothe his wife.
"What's up with her?" Remus asked, stepping out of the all concealing shadows.
Sirius glanced at his other best friend. "Turns out Snape was undercover the whole time and he didn't tell her. She's pretty hurt that her best friend didn't tell her."
Remus suddenly looked nervous. "Uh, who put him undercover?"
"He did."
"You can put yourself undercover?"
"Apparently," Sirius agreed. "I'd have put myself undercover years ago if anyone had bothered to tell me that." He sighed in regret. "No sense crying over spilled milk. I put myself undercover earlier today and now you can put yourself undercover too."
"Uh, I'm already undercover," Remus said nervously.
"You are?"
"I am?"
"Since when?"
"Almost a year now," Remus admitted.
"Who put you undercover?" Sirius demanded.
"Dumbledore," Remus replied.
"And you didn't tell me?"
"You can't tell people you're undercover when you're undercover," Remus explained. "That's the whole point of being undercover."
"Only if you do it wrong," Sirius disagreed. "The whole point of being undercover is to use the fact that you're some sort of mysterious undercover agent to get witches. Didn't anyone ever tell you that?"
"Dumbledore told me the exact opposite," Remus stated.
"And you believed him?" Sirius demanded, clearly agitated by what he was hearing. "How many birds have you seen Dumbledore pull? None, right? How many have you seen me pull? Loads! So which one of us do you think is the real expert on being undercover?"
Remus frowned. "I thought the whole point of being undercover was to get information from the enemy, not to pick up witches."
"Who told you that?" Sirius looked like he was close to tears. He pulled his friend into a tight hug. "What monster led you astray? It's okay, Mooney, I'm here now. I won't let them hurt you again."
"What's going on?" James asked, having taken advantage of his lovely bride's distraction to rejoin his mates.
Sirius sighed. "Remus was undercover and didn't tell us because Dumbledore told him the point of being undercover was to get information not to pick up witches." Sirius shook his head. "I don't know if I can continue being a member of the Order of the Phoenix after learning that our leader is either a monster who led our friend astray or so ignorant that he didn't even know the whole point of being undercover."
IIIIIIIIII
Having finished my shopping, which of course included a bit more murder and larceny at Borgin and Burkes, I again stopped by Little Hangleton to check the progress of my work.
The Riddle Manor was ash, the family graveyard was also ash, the Gaunt shack was mostly ash. Concerning, there was a single stone sitting on top of the pile, seemingly untouched by anything that had occurred.
"Doubt it's a good idea to leave you here and I really doubt it'd be smart to touch you," I muttered to myself. I transfigured a stick into a pair of tongs and transferred the stone to a glass jar sourced from the Portable Potions Lab I'd just purchased.
Returning to my lab, I packed up every bit of it that I could fit in my expanded trunks, set a timer on my explosives, and retreated to a safe distance to watch. Sure I could have disarmed everything but what kind of man would I be if I did?
My masterpiece went off five minutes after I finished making the popcorn. It was glorious, easily one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen. I made a mental note to do it again some time. Off to my next adventure, preferably somewhere that didn't have an extradition treaty with the magical portion of the UK.
AN: Just something I threw together.
Typos by DigiCom, Steven, James Russell
Severus Snape and the Spirit of Christmas
(The Hallmark Special)
It'd been a couple years since the fall of the dark lord and, at least from what I'd been told, they'd managed to rebuild society and all that garbage. Voldemort was gone for good, his followers were dead or in prison, and I'd been repeatedly assured that I'd face no consequences for my multiple felonies. Still hadn't gone back though. I wanted to try new things, to try new places, to boldly go places the original Snape would never gone before.
Yes, I spent most of my time since leaving enjoying everything the riviera had to offer but there was a limit on how much time you could spend doing nothing before you got bored or, in my case, ran out of money, so I was off looking for new challenges that would refill my bank account. About half a decade by the way, just a bit more.
I found my solution in Germany when I found a wanted terrorist with a familiar name and a very unfamiliar face. He'd just been kicked out of his terror group for being a massive dick and was whining about how no one understood him and how he was going to make a statement that no one could ignore and a lot of other melodramatic garbage so I stunned him, force fed him the drought of living death, and got to planning.
Gathering information was my first priority. One would think that it'd be hard to get accurate information about a new state of the art security system and normally one would be correct, even if one possessed my advantages, fortunately I ran into a bit of luck there. The guy at the very top of the local food chain had done some very naughty things during the war. The sorts of things he did not want anyone to ever learn about. In return for my silence and a portion of the take he agreed to give me everything, stating that if I could find out about his past than it was possible that others could as well and remarking that it would be wise to secure the funds needed to disappear ahead of any need to use them.
Planning complete, it was time to get a crew put together.
My first recruit was a man named Rod Thorp. Really. Really. No, he did not do porn. Yes, that was really his name and in addition to not doing porn, he was a hardened criminal who would do anything or kill anyone for money. Men, women, children, puppies, the guy didn't care what the target was so long as you paid him.
"I don't know," he spoke slowly. "It can't be that easy."
"It isn't," I stated calmly. "Every moment has been planned, every action accounted for, every thing must go perfectly in order for this to succeed."
The man with the pornstar name frowned. "In that case it sounds too complicated to work."
"The payoff is more than worth the difficulty," I replied. "Six hundred and forty million in bearer bonds."
"Yeah." Rod grinned. "Fuck it. You son of a bitch, I'm in!"
"Wonderful. You understand your part of the plan."
"I get a job working building security at the front desk the night we do this. Piece of cake."
"Do be sure to inform me if there are any unexpected delays. I have ways of dealing with them if I am aware of them early enough."
"Don't worry about a thing, Hans, we got this."
And with a few persuasion charms, we did.
The rest of my accomplices, save one, were sourced from terrorist groups and criminal organizations around Europe. Many of them old associates of the identity I'd stolen, all of whom satisfied by my expectation that I'd undergone plastic surgery. Sure I could have used polyjuice, but that would add unnecessary time, expense, and complexity to what was already a very complex plan.
We trained, we prepared, and finally we executed.
Things went off flawlessly. We arrived in two delivery trucks; the first containing the team, the second our supposed getaway vehicle. My accomplices shot the security guard at the front desk, pornstar name died which fulfilled his purpose, and I separated my inside man from the rest of the group for s scene he'd insisted we do. He suspected his superiors back in the home islands had bugged the place and he wanted a big moment of heroic defiance to show everyone back home that he had nothing to do with it.
"The code, please," I said calmly.
"It's useless to you!" he insisted, hamming it up for the hidden camera. "There are seven safeguards on our vault and the code is only one of them. You'll never get it open."
I complimented his suit, made what he thought was an idle ultimatum, and finally I shot him in the head at his invitation. Everything was going to plan, my plan rather than the one I'd shared with my supposed confederates.
As the night went on my accomplices got steadily more and more high strung as a New York cop started picking them off one by one. It'd been fun to watch from the outside and it was ten times more enjoyable to watch from the thick of things. Oh, and I shot another guy, but he was a dick and he had it coming. Trust me, I'd read the complete dossiers of everyone that would be in the building that night and I knew them all inside and out. Who the hell calls the leader of a group of hostage taking terrorists Bubbie? Seriously, fuck that guy.
You know how the rest of the story goes. We got into the building's vault which, all I can say is that nothing prepares you for something like that. It's an experience that everyone should have at least once.
I blew up a helicopter, I appropriated a portion of the bearer bonds for later use, and I switched out with the terrorist whose identity I stole after taking a big dramatic fall of the building. Letting him drop, with about half the bonds I'd taken from the vault, to his death. As I'd told my supposed confederates; the only way they won't look for us is if they thought I was already dead.
IIIIIIIIII
John's eyes widened in shock as the limo started out of the parking lot.
"Wait! Stop the car!" He was out the door the second the limo came to a halt.
"What is it?"
A distant part of his mind heard his wife calling, the rest of it was focused on the body crumpled on the pavement. It couldn't be . . . it wasn't possible, he'd watched him die. It couldn't be! How was it possible?
"What is it, John?" his wife asked.
"That's not Hans," he replied.
"Of course it is," she said nervously. "Look, we've both had a stressful night. Why don't we just-"
"Look at him," he demanded. "That's not Hans."
"John I don't think . . ." she trailed off. "That's not Hans," his wife echoed. "That's not any of the terrorists I saw."
"Shit!"
Harry Goes to Hogwarts
Harry tried to play it cool as he stepped onto the train, something made ten times more difficult after his mother's emotional display on the platform, his father's emotional display on the platform, his Uncle Mooney's emotional display on the platform, and his Uncle Sirius openly weeping and loudly lamenting the fact that their baby was leaving them. Still, despite that handicap he thought he managed to pull it off. Now to find a compartment.
The first one he came across was a hard no. It was filled with girls giggling over the latest issue of Teen Witch Magazine, apparently Severus Snape had been named the sexiest man alive. Again.
The next compartment was a maybe. It had his buddy Neville, which was a plus, but it also had a bookish looking girl who appeared to be engrossed in reading Joint Venture, the story of how Snape and Amelia Bones brought down the Dark Lord. He remembered nothing of that night, he knew nothing non-public about that night, and he wanted to put off the questions about it as long as possible. Harry was sick and tired of talking about the fall of the dark lord and no one seemed to believe him when he told them he didn't know anything more than they did because for some reason people seemed to think that the fact that the tosser died on his front stoop gave him-
Harry forced himself to take a breath. No sense getting worked up. Best keep moving.
Mad-Eye Moody was in the next compartment giggling while reading an orange book titled Night Hunger. Harry knew that book. It was a translation of a best seller from one of the eastern magical societies written by a sage who had followed Snape around for a few months and documented everything he'd seen the man do. It was also a book his mother had forbidden him to read which was strange because she usually encouraged him to read books.
Harry put the matter out of his mind and, hoping that he wouldn't have to move to the next car, he checked out the next compartment. It contained the youngest Weasley brother, a boy he was vaguely acquainted with, who had the latest copy of the Severus Snape Adventures comic book in his hand. Harry had found his people.
"Mind if I sit here?" he asked.
"Plenty of room," the boy replied.
"Thanks. That the latest issue?"
"No, it's a few years old."
"What's it about?"
"Severus Snape's fight with the Evil Baron von EVIL on the top of a Zeppelin in flight," the Weasley replied.
"Cool." He flopped down. "Mind if I read it when you're done? I'll let you read the latest issue."
"Sure," the other boy agreed. "Ron Weasley."
"Harry Potter," he introduced himself.
Ron sat straighter. "Harry Potter? What's Severus Snape like in real life? Is he as awesome as he is in the comics?"
"No idea."
"What do you mean no idea?"
"I've never even met him," Harry admitted.
"But your mum is his best friend," Ron protested.
Harry nodded. "Yeah, but he never comes to the house. Dad says he sneaks in sometimes to leave something called an upper decker in their bathroom but mum says that my Uncle Sirius is the one doing it."
"Oh." Ron considered the matter. "What's an upper decker?"
Harry shrugged. "No idea. Mum says I don't need to know and dad says he'll tell me when I'm old enough to be irresponsible."
"We can ask my brothers later," Ron offered. "They're so irresponsible I bet they already know."
"Ron, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."
AN: Night Hunger's plotline suggested by Veive.