Makoto is alone.

"Representing the Hermit, Anthony the Great is the Father of All Monks. Also known as Anthony of the Desert, he gave away all his inheritance as charity and went on to live as an ascetic. At the age of thirty-five, he retired from civilization and went into a desert to a mountain by the Nile river. There, he lived in an old abandoned Roman fort for about 20 years, until several pilgrim ascetics that also established themselves in the area begged to be his disciples. When Anthony finally emerged to heed their calls, he was not emaciated from his seclusion, but instead, he was healthy of body, mind and soul."

[6 Years and 8 months Ago]

I have a confession to make." Futaba said, out of nowhere.

The two of them were sitting on the floor of Makoto's living room, sharing a couple of snacks and carbonated drinks. It made Makoto feel cranky and jittery but it was a good way to fill her bladder and resist the urge to drink alcohol instead.

Sobriety was impossible, but she was trying. At least, for this day. She wanted it to be a nice, peaceful, good day.

"I'm here for your troubles." Makoto started. "Always."

Futaba nodded.

"I think I love Sumire. I have loved her for years now. I just can't do shit about it other than watch it from afar like a fucking idiot."

Makoto said nothing, but she got it.

"Back in the days, even after my awakening, I was not comfortable enough in my own skin to accept how I felt towards other girls. It was too much for me, and we had all those things to take care of first." Futaba told her.

"I understand. What would be your choice, if one existed for your predicament?"

"I wish I didn't have to deal with this agony. I don't know, shit would be easier if I liked dudes. Fix it by tying the knot with Mishima or some other boring guy with a decent salary. Get a kid or two to pester Sojiro and Ren. Try to not hurt so much or hate my life or myself so much for being extra gay for my brother's fiancee. You know, the basics." Futaba said, sarcasm mixed with some self deprecation and sadness.

"If you could, would you want to be with Sumire?" Makoto asked her gently.

Futaba gave her a look that reached deep into her soul.

"She doesn't swing that way. Even if she wasn't with my brother… We could never be."

Makoto kissed her forehead. Futaba snuggled closer.

"I wish… We still had our personas. It would make it much easier to figure shit out. But I guess… Real life isn't that easy." The younger girl mumbled wistfully.

She couldn't agree more. One would think awakening to their personas would solve all the problems in their lives, but it turns out, years later, real life cynicism just sneaks up on you and makes you regress against your will.

They held each other.

"I have a confession to make." Makoto said as she extricated herself from her friend.

Futaba stared up at her.

Makoto looked her in the eye. "I think I slept with Ren."

Her friend looked at her in shock.

A few seconds later, Futaba removed her glasses and rubbed her eyes in irritation, likely for Sumire's sake. "Jesus fucking Christ Makoto…You think!?"

There was no need to justify herself or try to do some mental gymnastics to make it sound okay. Saying she was drunk out of her ass wasn't going to be enough.

So she shrugged.

Futaba deflated. "At least tell me this was during one of their two thousand breaks."

Makoto winced. "Well, it was, and it was sort of nasty too because we were angry as hell… That was my first time."

"Oh Makoto…" Her friend whispered in solidarity.

The brunette just gave her a saddened smile. "Tomoe and I never went far… and I guess that was for the best."

Futaba hugged her swiftly, likely knowing that was a trigger.

"Hey, let's not talk about that guy. You know what? Let's also change the subject while we're at it." The redhead said hastily.

She nodded.

"You know, shit would be much easier if you liked girls." Futaba teased her. "We could just get married."

Against her will, Makoto laughed.

Futaba nudged her. "Come on. Did you ever wonder about it?"

Makoto knew her friend was doing this to cheer her up and distract her.

She let her.

"Actually, I did. Eiko and I got drunk silly once, and we made out just to see what the fuss was all about." The brunette said with a conspiratorial grin.

Futaba's eyes were wide as saucers. "Holy fucking damn, where the hell was I when this shit happened!?"

"At home, playing games." Makoto said cheekily.

Futaba groaned in disappointment. "Man, I always miss out on the cool shit. So, what is your verdict?"

The older woman chuckled. "We're both straight as an arrow, unfortunately. According to Eiko, not even my ripped abs and strong arms could make her get over her 'chronic dick addiction'. Her words, not mine!"

Her redhead friend started to laugh boisterously. Makoto joined in.

"Damn, y'all do the craziest shit when I'm not around. But yo, how did she convince you to kiss?"

Makoto snickered. "She used the stupid spaghetti analogy."

Futaba rolled on the floor. "What!? Oh no, she didn't!?"

"Yup. In a really academic tone, even. I don't know how she managed to do that while drunk out of her ass, but yes. I had to put up with her insanity."

"Man, if I wasn't so people averse, I'd join your gang. You kids know how to have a damn good time!"

Makoto gave her a small smile.

Then, Futaba's grin grew impish. "Makoto! Now you owe me a kiss!"

Makoto groaned. "I knew you were going to say this."

"Come on! Smoochie, Smoochie!" She joked as she threw herself at Makoto, who was dodging and laughing at her.

"Stop that, silly!"

"No! I want a Disney princess kiss!" Futaba whined playfully.

The redhead's smile was all fake innocence. Before she could protest it, though, Futaba squeaked out as Makoto swiftly picked her up, dipped her head down, and gave her a princely kiss.

Afterwards, the two fell down to the ground, lost in giggles.

"Alright, thanks for being my first kiss!"

Futaba said while giggling uncontrollably, her face red from embarrassment and mirth.

"What!? Damn you Futaba, why didn't you tell me!?" Makoto asked in amused disbelief.

"Nah, it's cool. I'm glad it's with a friend. Besides, you're a good kisser!" The redhead said while batting her eyelashes.

Makoto shook her head in fond exasperation. "Oh god. Alright, but let's not do that again. You're like a sister to me."

Futaba grinned and just poked Makoto in the ribs. "I'm glad you think of me as your sister. My bro is one dense ass motherfucker for not making it a reality."

Makoto gave her a wan smile in response.

Later, when they were sitting up again and watching tv in silent contemplation, Futaba sighed.

"Hey, are you ever gonna return to our group like before?"

At that, Makoto paused in thought.

Futaba was amazing. Smart, friendly, funny. A loner. And yet, she was the only one of her Phantom friends to actively seek Makoto out of her own volition, to make her feel like she mattered as a human being. She would never be able to repay her kindness.

"I don't know. Everyone has such amazing lives. They're all moving forward and getting places, meanwhile I'm just here, going nowhere. I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

Her friend's look morphed into one of utter sadness. "H-hey… I know what it's like to want to shut yourself away from the world but… I'm here, alright? And I think the gang would say the same. We're not just the Phantom Thieves. We're family. Kay?"

Makoto resisted the urge to cry. "Kay."

Half an hour later, Futaba left, and Makoto was all alone.

She hated being alone, but it was for the best.

Makoto didn't deserve her friends. She didn't even deserve her family. Yunchan deserved more than a drunkard murderer for an aunt.

She didn't resist. She opened a bottle she had stored in a hidden place.

Mixing was no longer a thing. Straight from the bottle, for a full alcoholic coma now.

Cheers!

She drank, and cried, and drank some more. Tomo-kun had wonderful hands, but those same hands that used to tenderly caress her cheeks, tried to choke the life out of her.

She shot him without hesitation. Her instincts had taken over her body, and she had to watch as he died.

Makoto didn't mean to do it. She was so sorry.

Shooting a real human being was nothing like shooting a shadow. For one, the body doesn't dissolve. It just stays there as it falls down in a thud.

It also fell down on top of her. Makoto was sure she would have suffocated if she hadn't managed to crawl from under his frame.

At least Kazuya survived to watch his son grow up.

Makoto had to crawl out of the hole she was falling into quickly. She thought Ren-kun would be her way out after they aggressively fucked each other, but look at where she is headed.

She used to drink to be happy. Now she drinks to feel even more sad.

"Makoto?" A voice called out from the door of her home.

It was Eiko, appearing tired and pale as she looked at her friend's hand, and found the answers.

"Eicchan!" Makoto cried out happily. Finally! Her Eiko was so fun, she didn't have to be sad anymore!

"Oh darling, where the hell did you hide the bottle this time?" Her friend and roommate asked, on the verge of tears.

Makoto giggled, drunk out of her ass. "B-behind some pans we rarely use in the kitchen c-cabinet."

"Fuck, I need to make another sweep. Godammit Makoto, stop drinking!" Eiko said as she took the bottle out of Makoto's hands.

"No! I need it, gimme back!" She slurred out.

"Dumbass! Stop throwing your life away like this!" Eiko cried out.

And started crying earnestly.

Makoto frowned, feeling sad. She didn't like to make Eiko cry.

"Hey, d-don't cry Eicchan. I'm sorry." She slurred out, tears gathering at the corner of her own eyes. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry I'm a k-killer… Sorry…"

Makoto fell to her knees and broke down, the bottle forgotten and abandoned in Eiko's hands.

Her friend crouched down to hug her as they both cried together.

And even though she had her friends trying to be there for her, there was only one feeling in Makoto's heart.

She was alone in her losing battle.

[The Present Day]

In hindsight, he should have known this would be a mistake. But Ren foolishly, naively even, believed he should really exhaust all options as Maruki had said.

So to couples therapy, he and Sumi went.

His wife seemed uncomfortable as doctor Naoya Toudou, their therapist, smiled pleasantly at them.

"Let's start. I believe it's important for the both of you to be honest and open with each other for this counsel to work as intended. Now, who would like to start?"

Neither of them knew what to say. Sumire looked even more distant and irritated than what she usually was when they fought, while Ren was feeling just as out of place.

He sighed, then cleared his throat. "I'll start. We've been married for more than six years, but we've been together for almost fifteen years now, even if we count some…breaks here and there."

Sumire's posture stiffened. Ren resisted the urge to sigh again. Their constant breakups, dramatic fights and make ups over the years was a sore subject for him, her and everyone else around them.

"I see. That is a very long time commitment. But it's also interesting because this same amount of time period tells us that you both have unresolved problems that happened in the span of these several years, judging by the on again, off again situations. Sumire-san, how do you feel about your relationship with Ren-san?"

"It's fine. I love him" She told the therapist in a clinical, almost robotic tone.

"And you, Ren-san?"

Ren was already feeling exhausted. "I love her too…"

"I sense a 'but' in both of your responses. Sumire-san, do you have anything to say in that regard?"

She looked to the side and glanced at Ren. "I don't know, it's a little confusing for me Toudou-san."

Ren frowned. What is there to be confused about?

"What is confusing for you, Sumire-san?" The therapist prompted

"Well, I'm not sure why we are here, to be honest." She said stiffly.

He resisted the urge to scoff at his wife's words. They were in therapy to solve their marital issues, was that really so hard for her to understand or grasp?

The therapist looked between the two of them. Toudou's face was serious. "Do you feel like you were forced here, Sumire-san?"

She didn't say anything.

The therapist eventually moved on to Ren. "Ren-san, do you have anything to contribute?"

He felt extremely tense. This was nothing like the confessional. But he had to keep going.

"I didn't force her here, I just-"

"I didn't say you did." Sumire interrupted him.

He glared at her. "Your posture says otherwise."

She huffed. "I'm not being forced, I'm here out of my volition, but I'm not ready either, I didn't know it was going to be this soon as you just sprung this up on me!"

At her mocking tone, Ren lost it.

"When are you EVER gonna be ready for anything Sumire? You're not ready for therapy, for kids, or even to just FUCKING TALK TO ME!" He shouted as he got up from his seat

"Oh my god, so this is what this is about!" She snarked.

Ren almost saw red.

The therapist interjected. "Let's all calm down now. Ren-san, please sit down."

Ren heaved and huffed out.

Shit, he needed to calm down.

He needed Hanna.

But she wasn't here, so he eventually complied with the therapist's request.

"My apologies, Toudou-san. My emotions are quite high right now." He said as he sat down and covered his face with his hands.

"That's quite understandable, Ren-san. But please, let's not lose our reason now. We are here to solve the problems between the two of you, or at least, find a compromise of sorts."

Ren nodded.

"Now, it's clear to me we have hidden difficulties in this relationship, a lot of things that are unsaid by both parties. Pent up emotions, frustrations and resentments. Of course, you may think you love each other, perhaps you do love each other, but we cannot verify that as of yet. Let's untangle the problems one by one."

"Alright." Ren said. Sumire stayed quiet.

"Sumire-san, your husband is clearly sad, anxious and frustrated with several topics. Why do the mentioned subjects bother you?"

"Doctor, with all due respect, I don't want to talk about it." She said, her posture getting more and more closed off.

"Why not, Sumire-san?"

"Because the moment I say anything in that regard, Ren might misinterpret it, and maybe even misrepresent it."

He'd never do that. Why was she saying that?

"So if your husband weren't in the room, would you tell me?"

She sighed sadly. "Yes."

That absolutely fucking crushed his spirit.

She didn't trust him anymore.

She didn't need him anymore.

Or maybe, she never did.

Ren was astonished. "Sumire. You can't seriously say this."

She averted her eyes, partly in shame.

"Ren-san, could you please step out for a moment?"

He stayed frozen for a time, processing the request. Staring at his wife's apologetic, perhaps even resentful face, Ren had no choice but to step out.

Outside, he sat in the reception, quiet and alone, while he waited for Sumire to say her piece to their therapist.

He never felt more abandoned and alone as he did now, except maybe for that time when his whole bio family sans his grandfather treated him like a piece of shit criminal.

Ren felt an urge to cry hit him, but he held it in. He was the Joker. He was strong. He would endure the fucking pain in his heart.

Not long after, he was called in.

Sumire had tears in her eyes that she was wiping out. It must have been pretty serious for her to be this vulnerable looking.

He felt a wave of resentment hit him. Why can't she just tell him?

"Ren-san. Your wife and I had a conversation about her feelings in regards to your marriage. Sumire-san?"

She looked at Ren, tearing up again. "I'm sorry. I know you want us to try to communicate and everything, but some things are just too raw and hard for me. And… I fear there is a lot that I don't quite understand about myself yet."

He felt incredibly frustrated and sad. "Sumire, you know I would never judge you or misinterpret you… Why can't you just tell me what it is?"

She shuddered out a pained sigh. "I don't know. I understand parts of who I am today, but not the whole. Does that make sense?"

He tried to make sense of it. Of course, he knew there would be remnants of her Kasumi persona here and there, but he felt like Sumire had improved over the years.

Or maybe, he fucking deluded himself all this time?

"There are more things I wish I could say about myself, but I am scared and confused. My mother… Is another problem, always has been, if I am to be honest."

That part, he could understand. Chise Yoshizawa was a witch of the highest magnitude.

"Can you please wait, just a little, until I get my thoughts in order?" She pleaded with him.

Ren Amamiya stared at his dear wife for a long time. Would this be any different from all the years he prioritized her wellbeing over his own feelings?

Why was he here, trying again? Didn't he say to Hanna he considered leaving her if she didn't want kids?

Although, she didn't say she didn't want kids. She is just confused.

Confused about what? It can't seriously be just about Kasumi. Why did it feel like there was a missing part of the puzzle he didn't get here?

Ren didn't know what to do or what to believe in anymore.

He swallowed dryly. "Okay. I'll wait until you figure it out."

She nodded gratefully.

Their therapist watched on with a pensive gaze. He looked at Ren. "Ren-san, I believe it is your turn now. Is there anything you would like to say to me outside of your wife's hearing range?"

Was there? Yes.

Would he? No. Not to this man.

He didn't think it would do anything at this point.

He wanted his Hanna, only she understood him.

"No. I have said my piece. I will wait until she comes to me." He said, his voice breaking a little.

"Are you sure? This space is as much as yours as it is hers."

"Positive." He concluded.

The doctor sighed. "Very well. We can schedule another appointment for when the both of you are ready to discuss more of your relationship."

The couple nodded and thanked the doctor.

And just as they exited the clinic, hand in hand like a ridiculous pair of clowns, Ren mentally flipped a coin.

It kept spinning, on and on, never landing.

Akio chatted his beloved auntie Taba's ears off about the new movie he watched with his mama and uncle Goro.

"And Black Condor returned to the team, and he was a good guy again!" He shrieked out excitedly. "He and Red Hawk defeated the bad guys together!"

"Wow, that is amazing kiddo. Tell me more." She prompted, never tiring of the little tyke.

He was all smiles and joy. Futaba honestly wondered how anyone could not want such sunshine in their lives. Futaba saw herself in Akio Niijima. She knew Goro Akechi, the murderous bastard, did too. It was the only goddamn thing in their lives they would both agree with.

The trio enjoyed a nice little dinner to commemorate her birthday since Makoto didn't come to Leblanc the other week. After they returned to Makoto's home and settled Akio in his room, Futaba raided her friend's fridge and opened a can of Soda. Makoto was on the couch, petting her cute, loyal dog.

"You should tell the whole truth about Aki-kun's parentage to the rest of the gang." Futaba said bluntly as she took a sip of her drink and sat down beside her.

"Hey, keep your stinky feet off the couch, missy. And no." Makoto said just as directly.

Futaba rolled her eyes. "They are never going to judge you for that, Jesus fucking Christ. I'd give you a damn medal for it if I could, honestly."

"Don't even joke about it." Makoto said seriously. "But no, I'm not afraid of being judged. It's just that I don't know how to approach Ann and Ryuji nowadays."

Futaba poked her in the ribs. "You excluded Ren."

"I don't speak to him." She said stiffly.

"But you want to jump on him sooo bad."

Makoto's mouth twitched. "No."

Futaba was mischievous. "You dooo, Miss Hanna."

"Oh, shut up, you want to fuck your own sister-in-law." Makoto retorted.

Futaba cackled. "Which one of them!?"

She received a pillow to the face in response.

The redhead's thoughts turned to her beloved brother in question. Futaba knew he was trying to fish out for the truth of Akio's parentage because deep down, he was still pining his ass off for Makoto, and being the daddy of her kid opened up the excuse and possibility for him to reconnect with their friend.

But the thing is, the truth was not that complicated.

"Come on, RenRen really thinks he is Aki-kun's daddy."

Makoto looked tired. "He's not, I told him as much the last day we spoke."

Futaba grinned and wagged her eyebrows.

The brunette huffed. "Hey, you know he can't be. There is just no way."

"But what if he is?" Futaba poked her playfully. "You never know… Time for the DNA test!"

Futaba received another pillow to the face, but after recovering, she just stuck her tongue out, playfully.

The truth was simple, yes, but the feelings involved with it were sad and complicated, and not her place to tell. All Futaba could do was to try to convince her friend to open up already.

"Come on, be on thy way, gremlin. I have a shift starting in half an hour." 'Hanna' told her sternly.

Futaba rolled her eyes. Makoto poked her in the ribs when she didn't move at all.

"Alrighty! Sheesh, don't kick me out so coldly!"

The brunette chuckled fondly in response.

Truth to be told, Makoto let out a sigh of relief as soon as Futaba left. It's not that she doesn't love her friend, she does, Futaba is the sister of her heart.

However…

She was hoping Mr. Red would call again tonight.

She knows she shouldn't be hoping for anything. She knows. It's stupid of her.

Makoto should keep her distance, refuse the calls.

And yet, her heart just fluttered whenever she heard his voice again.

Even though it shouldn't. Even though she should hate him for leading her on for years.

She was taken out of her conflicting thoughts from her line being called.

Ah, duty calls.

"Thanks for reaching out to the Confessional. My name is Hanna, and I will be your personal priestess today." She started with her usual friendly tone of voice.

"Hi Hanna, it's me, Mr. Red." He greeted her quietly.

Her heart skipped a beat, and a small smile appeared on her face, but then she frowned as she realized his tone was off.

"Hello Mr. Red. How may I be of assistance today?"

"I have a confession to make."

"I'm here for you, my dearest confessor."

He sighed. "I think my marriage is almost over, and now, I'm just counting the days until my wife kicks me out of her life for good. Which is frankly, quite ironic considering that I was the one that said I would leave her if I didn't have my needs met."

She froze, not sure how to feel in regards to that.

"Are you sure of this conclusion, Mr. Red?"

He started talking again. "I am. Today, I went to see a therapist with my wife for couple's counseling, but I ended up kicked out of the room just so she could feel comfortable with a stranger to talk about our life together. I guess she trusted him more than she trusted me."

"Mayhaps it was easier for her to get things off her chest that way." She told him with honesty, speaking from experience with the hotline.

"I don't know. In the end, I got nothing at all, but was asked to wait for her to figure herself out. Which is nothing new, I suppose."

"It sounds like this is a sore subject for you, Mr. Red." She prompted him.

He chuckled humorlessly. "Before we tied the knot, we had an on again, off again relationship of sorts. She would have these moments of wanting to get rid of me to figure herself out, but we always went back together because I foolishly believed it was worth the try, because I didn't want to give up. Even if sometimes, that was not what I should have done."

Is he… Is he admitting he…

"What do you mean, esteemed confessor?" She asked, eager for an answer.

"Nevermind. It's a bit of a heavy subject already, I honestly don't want to think about what I should have done or not."

A deflection. Even with Hanna.

Makoto sort of wanted to rip her hair out.

She tried to stay positive. "Very well, that is understandable. Now, In regards to your wife… Please give her the time she needs, dear confessor."

"Alright. I guess you are right Hanna." He said, resigned.

"That doesn't mean you need to neglect yourself. I'm still here for you, in the meantime." She spoke honestly.

"Thank you. I appreciate that."

Silence fell over them. Makoto's heart was in her throat now, she wanted to prolong this.

She wanted this call to never end.

"You know, Hanna…" He said out of the blue, interrupting her train of thoughts. "You are like the friend I wish I still had, Miss Blue." Mr. Red confessed.

Her heart skipped a stupid, disgusting, fluttery beat. He mentioned her again.

"Is that so, Mr. Red?" She slightly challenged him.

"Yes…" He whispered. "I'm sorry for comparing you to someone else, Hanna. But I think you would have liked her. Bravest, fiercest, strongest woman I had ever met in my whole life."

Makoto couldn't help but chuckle. She wasn't brave, she had been cowardly for too long. Even now, as she fears bridging the gap with the truth.

"I miss her. I miss her so much. She would tell me what I should do." He told her, his voice cracking up with vulnerability.

"Maybe she would tell you to do what makes you the happiest, Mr. Red. What do you think would make you the happiest now?" She asked him, hopeful for a signal.

"Saying hi to my friend again." He told her with not a single shred of hesitation.

Her entire body froze again, but she soon took action.

Makoto swallowed dryly. "Do you wish for me to be a stand in for her?"

"Please." He pleaded with her.

'Here goes nothing.'

"Okay…I'm here. Hi, Mr. Red, it's me, Miss Blue." She said letting her natural tone of voice leak out a little.

"I… That… You sounded just like her just now." He said, astonished.

"I know." She whispered, still in her natural tone of voice.

She was Makoto now, not Hanna.

He seemed to be in quiet shock, until he responded again. "It's you, isn't it?"

Makoto petted Agnes, trying to find some comfort as she just decided to stop with the façade. "What do you think, Mr. Red?"

"It was you all along. Of course. Of fucking… How stupid am I, really?"

"My dearest confe-"

"No, don't! Don't do that anymore. Hanna… Hah, I'm just so fucking… For Johanna, right? Of course. Everything makes so much fucking sense now…" He muttered, his voice getting manic in disbelief.

Fuck, what has she done!?

"Mr. Red, please…" She tried again.

He chuckled humorlessly. "What a fucking joke, and just after I told Sumi it wasn't you I called the other day. Was it funny? Did you have fun at my expense?"

"Of course not. It was never my intention to deceive you. This is my job." She said sternly, even though that's not how she wanted to come off as.

"Right, of course. It was me who called, after all. This is just your job, of course you couldn't say anything…" He muttered, now with sarcasm lacing his voice.

God, she remembered now why they stopped talking to each other.

And yet, she had to keep her calm.

"Please, calm down…" Classic Makoto sucking at escalating a crisis returned.

"How can I calm down!? You must be having a laugh at how miserable and pathetic I have become since you hate me, huh? And I told you everything too…"

"That's not true. Please stop that." She pleaded.

Mr. Red lost it. "Then why!? Why don't you come back, why won't you come back to my life!?"

"You know why." She whispered. "You know why, Mr. Red."

They finally quietened.

"Then I won't call this line ever again. At least, when I was here, I was real to you all this time. But you made me believe I had one friend who was there for me, judgment free, with no deceits or lies. And now, I have not only just lost a friend, but two."

And as he finished his statement, the line died.

Makoto covered her head with her hands and cried her eyes out.

She too, was alone now.

To be continued…