Makoto lives on a whim.

Representing the Wheel of Fortune, Jude Thaddeus was one of the twelve apostles of Jesus. Not to be confused with Judas Iscariot the betrayer, Jude is believed by the catholics to be one of the 'brothers' of Jesus and the author of the Epistle of Jude. He was also a martyr alongside Simon the Zealot, and those who prayed on his grave reported experiencing intercessions in their lives, leading to the coinage of his title as the Saint for the Hopeless and the Despaired, and later Patron Saint of the Impossible."

[7 Years Ago]

Life was beautiful.

Makoto never felt so young, free and happy before.

Beside her, Eiko continued to laugh and dance like there was no tomorrow. Makoto herself giggled as Tohru, Eiko's beau, danced with them in the most ridiculous manner possible. Hiroshi, their friend, hovered over Makoto. She gave him a smile as they grooved and moved in sync.

The music was loud and frenetic. A staple of Tokyo nightlife, one that gets your heart synced with the beat of the drums and the booming of the bass, the synths sound creating a harmonious, almost jazzy crescendo as the music takes you to other places, far away from your sadness.

The DJ was crazy, the crowd was even crazier, and the night had just barely begun.

She was so happy. She was having so much fun.

Iida arrived with a round of drinks, making their gang cheer up in happiness. They eagerly grabbed their beers and clinked their bottles together, happily.

It tasted delicious.

A few minutes later, Hiroshi caught her hand and dragged her back to the dance floor, his big and callused fingers feeling warm and nice against her skin. Sora and Emi-chan were going wild themselves, dancing close by. Eiko's laughter was loud, Makoto loved her friend so much, her silly Eicchan.

They were the second and third year Shujin gang of 2016. Eiko, her beloved best friend. Hiroshi, Emi and Sora, their classmates. Tohru, Eiko's dumbass beau. Iida, who Makoto promised to help save from Kaneshiro. And herself, Makoto. The boring ass prez.

Her body felt warm, sweaty and bothered. Hiro-kun was handsome, he had the face of an ever smiling, happy man. She smirked as she stole his baseball cap and put it on her head backwards. He cheered and grinned at her as they danced together. She jumped around wildly and clung to his neck as they raved with their friends.

She should give him a chance. He could make her happy. Too bad Ren stole her heart.

Makoto held in the urge to cry. He never wanted her. And Makoto shouldn't even still be alive in the first place.

Not after what she did to her Tomo-kun.

…No, no more tears. No more sadness. Only smiles and happiness now.

She would live in the here and in the now.

Makoto impulsively kissed Hiro kun, and he smiled against her lips. Their friends cheered them on. She felt beautiful, desired, wanted. Hiro had very soft lips.

But her heart would always betray her.

She couldn't let go.

She should let go.

Damn Ren Amamiya. Even if he is all she ever wanted.

She laughed against Hiro's lips. He gave her a happy smile, and she cupped his cheek. He was handsome, nice, attentive, happy, and fun. He could make her whole again.

They danced and danced until the show was over. But the night had only just begun.

They went bar hopping next.

The Crossroads first, a classic. Lala-chan greeted her with a wink, and she beamed at her. She even invited Ohya to drink one with them. The woman told them a lot of wild stories.

They left and continued on their quest. At each new bar they stumbled upon, things only got rowdier and rowdier.

They finally reached the last bar, which was close to an area full of love hotels. They started to play drinking games. It was Makoto's turn.

"Alright, I have a good one." Makoto said smugly, completely red faced from drinking more than she could handle.

Eiko giggled. "No way!"

"I'm a Phantom Thief."

Complete, utter silence. They all shared looks with one another. Makoto was stone faced.

Then the room burst out into laughter. Ryuji would be proud.

Eiko was crying from laughing so much. Makoto winked at her. Eiko blew her a kiss.

After Iida, Sora and Tohru did a couple of arm twisting contests, the bar owner kicked them all out. Drunk out of their asses and completely out of it, Makoto and the gang toured the streets of Shinjuku like a band of crazy and wild vagabonds.

Life was beautiful.

The streets of Asia's biggest red light district were simply radiant. These days, Makoto has grown to love the beauty, the ugliness, the diversity, the stagnation, the colors, the darkness, the violence and the happiness of Shinjuku.

Oh, maybe she should paint Yusuke-kun something while she was this shit faced. She giggled uncontrollably at the thought. Hiro-kun laughed alongside her, giving her amorous pecks on the lips. She kissed him back. It was intoxicating.

"Get a room, you two!" Iida screamed. Everyone, including Makoto, laughed.

She extricated herself from Hiroshi's arms and spun around to look at her buddies. He hugged her from behind, and she leaned against his chest.

"So, w-what should we d-do now?" She asked, hiccuping. Hiro pressed his strong body against her, making her feel hot and very bothered.

"Who fucking knows. Maybe g-go home?" Iida said. Emi nodded, a lil tipsy herself. Sora chuckled, and clutched his girlfriend's hand.

Eiko sent Makoto a wink and started to make obscene sexual gestures with her hands. Makoto stifled the urge to laugh.

Maybe Hiro-kun should get lucky. There was no reason to keep saving herself for someone who never wanted her in the first place.

It started to rain. Everyone ran to a couple of awnings. Makoto stood in the rain, letting herself be cleaned. Eiko stayed with her. With a lightheartedness not expected of herself, Makoto grinned and picked her friend up, bridal style, and started to spin her around. She was still strong and muscled from her police days.

The gang hollered, catcalled and whistled. Eicchan laughed musically, and Makoto spun her around, carrying her like a princess to a kingdom of whimsical dreams.

The rain was cooling and gentle, washing away the stench of alcohol and sweat. Washing away the tears that were threatening to exit her eyes. She wanted this to last forever.

Eiko and her fell down, since she was too tipsy to do anything right. They laughed like crazy, even though they would bruise tomorrow.

The rain poured on her face. She closed her eyes, her smile full of wonder as she laid down in the middle of a street in Kabuki-chō.

She opened her eyes and looked around. The lights of the lanterns and neon signs were pretty. The streets were dark blue, red, gold, black and purple. A kaleidoscope of a future lost between neverending rain, grim darkness and artificial lights. Makoto was now part of its composition.

She wanted to be happy forever.

She got up, helping her best friend get up as well. They shared a happy smile. Maybe they should get out of the rain.

She shivered, but felt a jacket upon her wet shoulders. She looked to the source of the warmth and care. He was handsome.

Hiroshi's looks were getting more intense. Makoto felt a sudden spark of desire. Impulsively, she grabbed his hand, and blew a goodbye kiss in Eiko's direction. Her friend made a heart gesture with her hands, and winked.

Makoto took Hiroshi to a love hotel, and they swiftly started to kiss each other with urgency, tugging at each other's clothes in the corridors as they reached their room. He was toned and handsome, and she ran her hands on his abs.

He smiled against her lips.

They fell onto the bed, and things started to get more heated. Makoto started to feel scared. She never had sex before. In truth she was just an inexperienced dumb, drunk bitch who just had a spin in the rain.

She wished Ren had the courage to admit he wanted her back at the crossroads. Or the many times he rejected her for Sumire's sake. Maybe then it would be his lips, hands and body upon hers now.

Maybe he could have held her as she suffered after she killed Tomoe.

She sobered up a little. Hiro got more insistent. A little too insistent.

Makoto's mind turned to a dark corner. Several images of despair and fear flashed in her mind's eye.

How her Tomo-kun's previously sweet eyes turned manic and desperate, then hollow as she shot the life out of him.

Before she could understand what happened, instincts kicked in and Makoto moved. She wrapped her legs around Hiro's arm and twisted her body in a move to neutralize the threat.

He screamed.

Makoto's eyes widened and she scrambled away in terror, but soon she came back to her senses, covering her mouth with her hands in horror.

"Hiro-kun, I-"

"G-get away from m-me!" He said, crying out in excruciating pain.

Makoto moved and put her pants and blouse on, while she swiftly dialed the emergency, then finally called the hotel staff to help her get supplies to give Hiro proper first aid. Despite her drunkenness, she acted on autopilot, using the experience from her police days to make sure he wouldn't be further injured.

She became monstrous. The rain may have washed away her tears, but never the bloodstains upon her cursed, unholy hands.

She became a killing machine. A dystopia.

Makoto Niijima lived to destroy.

[The Present Day]

He had the worst night of sleep in a long time.

How could she? He thought he finally had something sacred, away from all his problems, something pure and genuine for himself.

But no. Like a ghost that never ceased to haunt his every thought, It was that woman all along.

And what is worse, she actually didn't seem surprised at all. She probably knew it from the very first day.

It was like a slap to his face. All his fears, vulnerabilities, feelings and dreams that he relayed on his confessions were now in her possession.

She must be taking great delight at his misery, thinking him a pathetic man that got his due now that his perfect life is crumbling little by little.

He hated her for it. She killed Hanna, his last emotional resort available.

Ren vowed to himself to never call her or The Confessional ever again.

"Ren-kun. Are you alright?" A concerned, kind female voice prompted.

Ren looked ahead, finally registering his friend's worried looks.

"I'm fine." He snapped involuntarily. He didn't mean to snark at her, but it came out anyways.

Haru raised an elegant eyebrow at him.

"You sound irritated, Ren-kun." She said as she carefully served them tea.

He just grunted in response. Haru continued to stare pointedly.

"Out with it." She demanded in a no nonsense tone.

"Your friend. I found out she has been deceiving me in the last weeks." He told her coldly.

"That's terribly cryptic dear, you may have to elaborate on that." Haru said calmly as she stirred her tea.

"I found out she works at a helpline. She deceived me for weeks now." He muttered bitterly.

"Ah, of course. You must surely mean that Confessional business." Haru said nonchalantly as if it was another uneventful Tuesday, and continued to primly drink her tea.

Ren narrowed his eyes on her. "You knew?"

She shrugged elegantly. "Yes. I call it from time to time to confess how I wish I could truly murder an executive or two with an axe, and get away with it. There is this 'Joe' gentleman who is a most wonderful priest that truly understands some of my least unrefined proclivities."

He glossed over the insane part of her confession. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Haru scoffed with a small laugh of disbelief. "That's a ridiculous thing to demand, sweetie. How would I have known you were calling that same hotline? I am not a psychic, unfortunately."

He sagged. He was being absurdly unreasonable.

"Forgive me, Haru. I know, I'm just on edge now. I feel so…"

"Betrayed? Don't be. I doubt it was intentional, that is her job. She is incredible at it, too." She told him proudly.

He glared at her but Haru giggled.

"Come on, don't be such a grumpy baby boy. Here, taste this chamomile brew. It will make you feel perfectly zen, my dearest friend."

Ren would never understand just how Haru managed her whole "patronizing and nurturing combination", but it never failed to put him in his place.

"It tastes great, thanks Haru." He said helplessly as it did in fact help him relax.

What the fuck.

She beamed at him and they started their work for the day. The inauguration gala for the trainee kitchens was fast approaching and Ren had the privilege of assisting Haru with it.

At least, it was good work that put his mind off things.

Things like Sumire's behavior. Or Hanna's deceit.

He missed her already, but he refused to let that sway him. He will NEVER call that hotline ever again. It was now ruined forever.

Ren felt pissed off again.

"You look like a kicked dog." Sae said in a bored tone of voice.

Makoto was enjoying a simple lunch with her sister, little niece and her precious son. Takkun was out on the job.

The brunette sighed. "He found out I'm Hanna since he kept calling the Confessional."

Sae raised an eyebrow. "Ren?"

The brunette nodded, feeling despondent. Her sister rolled her eyes.

"Why are you moping around? Just go to him and bridge the damn gap already." Sae spoke, almost scoffing.

"Sis, you would never be a good fit for my line of work with the way you encourage people." Makoto said dryly in deflection.

"I'd rather sue them, yes. Why do you think I'm a lawyer?"

Makoto shook her head and decided to not dignify that with a response. Beside them, Yukino observed Makoto with sharp eyes.

"Hey auntie, why don't you like uncle Ren?" Her snowball asked bluntly.

Her son also perked up.

"Because he was mean to me." She said simply while petting the hair of her dearest niece.

"No way. Uncle Ren is cool. When I grow up and he divorces aunt Sumi, I'm going to marry him." The little girl stated imperiously.

Aki-kun seemed puzzled and Sae looked horrified, but Makoto burst out into laughter.

"Yunchan, you can't marry him." Her mother protested.

The girl cocked her head to the side. "Why not?"

Sae was stern. "He is much older than you, and that is inappropriate."

"Well, duh. This is why I'll wait to grow up first?" The girl said with eerie intelligence.

Her mother gaped like a fish in response. Makoto was also amazed.

"Sae, what kind of genetics did you and Takkun have put in this child?"

"Terrifying ones." Sae replied, still astonished. "And no, Yukino, you absolutely cannot, will not, marry your uncle Ren!"

Yukino crossed her arms. "Why?"

Sae also crossed hers. "Because I am your mother, and I said so."

"But that is not an explanation." The little girl argued.

Makoto tried to hold her laughter back, but failed.

Sae seemed to visibly count to ten, and decided to change tactics. "Child, why do you want to marry your uncle Ren?"

"Because he is cool. And then he'll be our family for real that way." The girl responded swiftly.

Both sisters felt touched by her words. Makoto knew she was partially responsible for making Yunchan love her 'uncle' so much.

Aki-kun just kept staring at the three of them.

Sae sighed but then smirked. "Well, what if he marries your aunt Makoto instead?"

"Sis!" Makoto protested harshly.

Yukino, on the other hand, seemed to seriously mull over the question. Soon, though, she beamed.

"That works too, even better! And then he can be my real uncle!" She rubbed her hands like an evil genius.

Sae snickered. Akio had a deep look of concentration in his face.

"Mommy, you need to divorce uncle Ren and aunt Sumi so Buchi-pal can marry him!" Yukino demanded.

Makoto put her head in her hands and started to giggle uncontrollably. Her niece was too damn special.

Against her will, Sae Niijima cackled and kissed the forehead of her baby girl. "Oh Yunchan, mommy loves you too much, my little devil. Never change."

The girl was puzzled by what she thought was an out of place show of affection from her normally stern and tired mother.

After the two sisters stopped laughing, though, little Akio tugged on his mother's shirt.

"Mommy?"

"Yes, baby?" Makoto asked sweetly.

"If you marry Mr. Ren, does it mean he will become my new daddy?" He asked innocently and wide eyed.

Makoto's own eyes widened and her heart went out of her throat.

What…What could she even possibly say to gently turn her son down without hurting him?

As if sensing her sister's predicament, Sae stepped in.

"Sweetie, your mommy cannot marry Mr. Ren, I was just joking. He has a wife already." Her big sis told him as gently as possible.

He seemed to deflate a little and hung his head down. "Oh…Okay…"

Makoto held in the urge to cry. She never wanted this to happen.

She couldn't even properly provide him with a real father, and Akechi and Yusuke were far from being his fathers. Nothing she could do would properly supply that need and longing she knew her baby boy secretly held.

And what else could she say? "Your father disappeared when your mother got pregnant, and I haven't seen the bastard in years?"

No.

"Sorry, Aki-kun. But you have everyone else here, okay?" She told him gently.

He nodded sadly.

Makoto's heart broke in half all over again.

Futaba had to admit, it was weird that Sumire had called and then invited her for lunch. Alone.

Like, it shouldn't be weird for sisters-in-laws to do that, but Futaba had some really naughty feelings for her sister-in-law, so it made things really fucking awkward for her without Ren and Sojiro there to shield her from all the attention.

Sumire gave her that beautiful grin of hers that made her stomach flutter stupidly.

"Thank you for agreeing to have lunch with me, Futaba-chan. I hope It's not too much trouble."

"Nah. Not at all." Futaba said, slightly awkwardly as she chuckled.

She was a disaster.

Sumire seemed a little anxious too. "It's strange, I have been with your brother for so long and still, sometimes I feel like I may have neglected the opportunity for bonding properly with you, just us two."

Futaba swallowed dryly. "Nah, I don't blame you, I guess that's mostly on me since I'm sort of a huge weirdo and shit."

"Please don't say that, you're not a weirdo! You're my husband's little sister, I should have reached out first and more often. I'm really sorry, Futaba-chan." Sumire told her sincerely.

"Erm, it's fine." Futaba said in response, still feeling out of place.

God, what should she say or do now? If Sumire starts to ask for advice or anything of that sort for her and Ren's relationship, Futaba was out.

'Here I am, fighting with all my might the evil spirits of NTR that are trying to possess my body. Oh Sumire, you have glorious thighs, so smooth and creamy, Jesus Fucking Christ. Ren is one motherfucking ass lucky bastard.' She thought, her gremlin brain making things worse.

Oh God she was acting a little mentally challenged. It was not entirely her fault though, with the love of her stupid life right in front of her.

The other redhead smiled. "So, how is life? Anything good going on?"

Futaba frowned. Her life was pretty mid with the exception of her work in IT and the study she was doing in Jungian Psychoanalysis for the Kirijo Group.

"Oh, you know, just working, playing video games, hanging around with friends… Eh, the basics and the same boring ass shit as ever." She said while shrugging.

"Oh, that doesn't sound boring at all!"

Poor Sumire, she was trying too hard to engage with her, but for her, Futaba would try too.

They continued to enjoy their lunch while doing some menial, and if she was honest, meaningless conversation, until they slowly relaxed, and eventually finally let their personalities shine.

It was lovely.

Futaba finally let her gremlin side appear, and Sumire was cute and dorky.

"Oh fuck, so you managed to find out about the Confessional too!?" Futaba asked while chuckling.

"Yup! I'm pretty sure their priest called Tom is actually Akechi-kun!" Sumire said merrily.

Futaba laughed so hard she choked up on her drink, making the onlookers of the restaurant glare at her. She felt a little self conscious, but Sumire's smile was wide, beautiful and sincere.

"Don't mind them. You have a wonderful laugh, Futaba-chan." Sumire whispered gently, trying to assure her.

Her eyes were shining with something indescribable.

Futaba felt her cheeks redden, but she coughed on her hand to mask her sudden shyness.

"Um, right, thanks. But ya… It's really Akechi. I call him every Friday there to mess with him as a form of petty vengeance."

Sumire chuckled at first, but then she looked concerned and compassionate. "Are you sure that is healthy for you? Considering what he has done to you personally…"

Futaba sighed. "He almost destroyed my life, yes, but… There is no real way for someone like him to pay for what he has done. And he wasn't ultimately the only one to blame. We will never be friends, but he will listen to my grievances until the day he dies. That is the least he can do to atone for what he did to me and Haru both."

"That's a really mature and forgiving perspective Futaba-chan." Sumire said sincerely, reaching for her hand.

Their fingers touched. It was as if a small electric current passed through both of them.

Sumire started caressing her hand.

What the fuck?

Should she be doing that?

Futaba was a little flustered. "Uh…"

As if she realized what she was doing, Sumire jolted and smiled apologetically as she retracted her hand. "Sorry."

Futaba already missed the heat of her fingers on hers.

"No. I-It's okay." Futaba said, chuckling awkwardly.

They put some more distance between them, finished their lunch, and soon parted ways. She watched, frozen in place as a pensive Sumire left the restaurant after a hushed goodbye.

Futaba's heart was beating stupidly fast.

She thinks, not even the playful banters and that one kiss she shared with Makoto had 1/1000000 shred of the chemistry she had just experienced by merely touching Sumire's fucking fingers.

Futaba was cooked.

Ren watched on with a tired, lifeless, zombified gaze as his wife arrived home looking a little despondent and lost. He considered asking what was wrong with her, if there was something he could do for her, but found that he no longer had the energy.

Ultimately, they ignored each other. The house was pure silence and quietness. Sumire went to the bedroom, to sleep. Ren was staying on the couch for the past few days.

Everything was slowly crumbling, slowly eroding into tiny, small grains of sand.

And the coin kept spinning, on and on.

He closed his eyes, and dialed a number, waiting for the other person to pick up.

"Hello?" The gruff, sleep-addled voice of his father spoke out.

"Hey, Boss. Sorry, did I wake you up?"

"Heh, of course not. Just dozing off a little." Sojiro said as he chuckled. "What's up, kid?"

"I don't know. I just have been feeling really down and angry lately. I guess I just needed some company, or to hear the voice of someone who cared for me a little bit." He admitted.

"Whoa, that sounds heavy. The hell is going on?"

His eyes teared up slightly, but he didn't cry.

"I don't know. I feel as if things are slipping out of my control."

"Damn. Hold on, let me get something to drink, and we'll have a good chat. Man to man, what do you say?"

Ren smiled a little. "That's great, Boss."

He listened to the shuffling sounds on the other side of the line, until Sojiro was solidly back on the line.

"Now, come on, tell your dear old dad what has been weighing on you."

Ren closed his eyes. "I think Sumire and I are on the brink of a divorce."

"Damn. Are you sure?"

"Positive. And in all honesty, I can't tell whether it's just me, just her, or both of us. But I feel like it's imminent."

"Have you tried talking to her, figuring things out?"

"I did, to the point that we had couple's therapy. It only made things worse, if you ask me. Or maybe, they were already pretty bad. I'm just sitting here in agony, waiting for it to be over."

Sojiro was exasperated. "That's a mess kid. You two need to sort this out like adults, sit down and figure out for once and for all what you want. What is the worst that could happen, if it's already this bad?"

Indeed, what was the worst that could happen?

And still, he couldn't bring himself to initiate it.

"I'm afraid." He confessed.

"Of what?" Sojiro prompted.

"That it all amounted to nothing in the end. That she and I wasted time on one another. That I… That I threw away my real chance at happiness with a woman who I knew for sure had feelings for me."

Sojiro sighed. "Well, I don't wanna tell you 'I told you so', because that wouldn't be really fatherly now, would it? Still… I told you so!"

Ren chuckled sadly. "Touché."

"But hey, don't think of it this way. You and Sumire truly need to sit down and have a conversation to clean up the air. If it goes on, it will go on. If it needs to end, then let it end with grace." Boss told him firmly.

"I guess you're right, Boss. Thanks."

"It's going to be okay. Things will be fine in the end."

Ren felt his emotions rise up. "I hope so."

"Now, let this old man sleep in peace, jackass. I ain't a young lad any longer." Sojiro grumbled.

Ren chuckled. "Roger that Boss. Goodnight."

"Good night, kid."

It was late, and she had to head to bed now that she finished her shift.

But before she did that, she had to at least do her nightly routine of lighting up an incense in her makeshift butsudan to pray for the deceased. She did that for her father. And also, for someone else dear to her.

Approaching her humble altar, Makoto started her rituals. After her prayers were finished, she smiled and looked at one of the photos in the altar.

"Hey, silly." She whispered gently with a fond smile. "I really miss you, you know? I could use having you here right now to beat some sense into my skull and give me some advice."

Her eyes teared up slightly, but Makoto was smiling, nostalgia and gratitude filling her body instead of sadness and loss.

"Our baby is so big now. He is the kindest, nicest, happiest little boy in the world. You would be really proud of him."

She traced the photo, the other person's smile was wide and cheeky. Since Akio's bio father was not in the picture, Makoto and her friend promised to raise him together as theirs instead.

It was a silly, innocent thing done as a show of support for each other since they were both heading nowhere in life, but it had meant so much to her.

The tears came up in unstoppable torrents now. Makoto missed the days they would banter and have fun, when the pregnancy was a hilarious, healing adventure where they both eagerly waited for Aki-kun to be born.

An unbidden memory of a banter came to her mind:

"Tou-chan, come here! The baby is kicking!"

"Really!? Let me feel them!"

"It's a boy! I know it is. Ooh, he is excited that his Tou-chan is here!"

"Hi little love. Now, be a good boy for your mama and let her rest, okay?"

"Look at him, he is really happy, won't stop kicking!"

"Aww, what a good baby!"

They laughed together, happy and hopeful.

Those days saved her life. Those days of hope, domesticity, and of a future finally looking bright after so much pain and regrets.

And then, she lost again. But this time, she got up. And in the end, she had Aki-kun, their little son in every way that mattered.

She was not truly alone. And she would keep going, instead of drowning in despair. Makoto is sure that is what her friend would have wanted from her.

'Always smile, dumbass!' A voice called out to her, laughing joyfully.

"Goodnight." She whispered and finished her ritual with a bright smile on her face.

To be continued...