CHAPTER 4

Let yourself trust

Disclaimer:I don't own GG

Background: An alternative story in Stars Hollow as continuation of my story 'Love the way you lie'. Rory is coping with the consequences of learning she was molested as a child and findind a new path. Lane is torn between her Korean heritage, her dreams of being a drummer and the loss of her father, while living without grownups for a first time. Abigail (Jess' NY ex who is friends with him and Rory as per my previous story) is tending wounds from her past and adjusting to life in the small city. Couples now and/or eventually Rory/Jess, Lane/Tristan, Abigail/Zack, mentions of Lorelai/Luke

The story will switch between the points of view of the three main girls.

Warning: Some chapters may be really triggering

Author's note: I am also not a lot around small children, so please forgive any inaccuracies, they come from lack of experience

"Can't help myself, got secrets I can't tell

I love the smell of gasoline, I light the match to smell the heat

I've always liked to play with fire"- Sam Tinnesz, Play with Fire

Please note: I remember watching shameless (us) that one of the characters had to take emergency contraceptive and couldn't buy it because of ID. WHEN writing I assumed that meant 21. Also I checked and realised that the ban was lifted 2013. However, this chapter took a lot to write and I Don't have time to rewrite currently. If you would like me to correct it for accuracy sake, please let me know in reviews.

Glaring inconsistencies sometimes bug me in fiction. Obviously it's fanfiction and Ican'tchanfe everything, but maybe Ican change this detail. One more abigail chapter and more Lane and Rory chapters ckming soon.

-abigail-

1.

(Zach)

They traveled in silence. She took her backpack, even though he assured her it was nearby and they just needed money. The whole time on the bus, she scribbled in tiny twirly handwriting he couldn't read on a scrap peace of paper. She seemed calmer and less worried than him. He could tell she was in a lot of pain, but she refused to take anything more than the amount Paris had suggested- or to go to a hospital. He was still thinking he might try to convince her later- though clearly just asking was not the way to go with her right now.

When they got in front of the huge pharmacy, she stopped him.

'I already know why we're here, let me come with.' He pleaded, worried. She stared at him, stone-cold and resistant. 'Please.'

'I'm fine.' He looked at her with concern and she felt like she was twice shorter. 'Look, just because I have bruises doesn't mean I'm some damsel in distress that needs help all the time.'

'You literally came to Jess because you needed help.'

'Fuck you. I can't stitch myself or I wouldn't have.'

'Jesus. I didn't mean you shouldn't have. I meant it's okay to need help sometimes.'

'I'm strong. I'm not some helpless-

'I didn't say you were.'

'So?'

'So there is a difference between being strong and being reckless.'

'Excuse me?'

'You are still bleeding from that cut, you had fever all night and you still can't bend enough to change your clothes. You don't have to like getting help, but you need it right now.'

She pushed his chest suddenly and he stumbled back. She was breathing heavily, her face flushing in red. 'I'm fine. I won't owe anyone.'

'Abi-'

'I can go in the stupid store on my own, ok, it's got nothing to do with you.'

He gaped at her, opening his mouth- but there was nothing he could say. She wasn't wrong. It wasn't his business. He handed her his wallet and let her go in, watching the passing cars with darkened face. He didn't understand her even one bit. His mind wandered over the last evening and the night since she'd come in their lives. When Rory had shared her past, it was that- past. She had family, she had friends and Jess. And it was months after it had happened. She didn't really need much of him. Abi- just thinking about what she had to go through to have to leave everything she knew behind, with no preparation- at 17 years old, nonetheless- it was unimaginable. He didn't have to care, it wasn't his busines, but he did care. Though for all intents and purposes, he couldn't share that with her yet.

In a bit, he started worrying. His watch let him know she'd been in there for 20 min, and it wasn't like she was browsing or anything.

He cursed, and went it. He spotted her by the magazine stand, without that confident emotionless expression she'd adopted today and the night before. Her whole face was ashy transluscent color, and she was staring straight forward, slightly resting her weight on the stand.

'Abi?'

She looked straight through him, like she was expecting someone else. She was taking deep breaths without saying anything, slightly swaying in place.

'ABI?'

'Give me a minute, just give me a motherf*cking minute here.'

'It's been twenty. What's wrong?'

' Just. Get. Out.' She hissed, still not looking like she saw him.

'Abi!' He insisted with desperate tone. He wasn't sure if she was panicking or in a lot of pain, but it wasn't good, in any case. She bit her lip to blood and looked away.

'It's not so easy...o-okay?' Her voice trembled, quiet and defeated. He wanted to pull her in a hug, but she didn't look like she'd let him. "Just- just-'

'Okay, that's it, I'm buying it. Wait here. You can yell at me later if you want.'

Her huge brown-green eyes finally focused, swimming in tears, and she blinked them away, shaking her head. 'You can't. You need to show an ID that you're over 21.'

'What? Then how?'

'I have an ID because of work. I'm emancipated for the last 2.5 years. It's fine.'

He sighed. 'OKay. We're going together. Ok?'

'I can't do this again.'

'What.'

She shrugged. 'Everything.'

The comment give him chills and he knew he'd have to ask, just not when she had this color on her face. 'Okay. Take my hand. We'll do it together. I talk, you take out your ID. We ask, we pay, we get out, and then I'll take you to eat something warm and we'll watch a movie. Is that OK?'

She quietly interlaced her fingers through his and nodded down. He breathed out the air he hadn't realised he was holding in, and moved to the register. His body was full with dread and anxiety from all the things she wasn't saying, all the implications between the lines.

2.

Zach watch Abi gulp hot coffee and stuff herself with a healthy dose of pancakes, dosed in strawberry syrup, topped with powdered sugar and fresh strawberries, raspberries and blueberries. Well. At least he couldn't complain she didn't have appetite. She was eating like it was the best thing in the world, taking in slow bites, and liking her pink heartshaped lips lik. In another context the sight of her doing that would have been incredibly sexy. It made him smile, watching the color return to her face. She'd already taken the pill and now that she was getting back to looking as her normal self- as normal as possible with the bruises- he could... ask. Not that he knew what he was asking. But he'd rather ask her than Jess.

'Can you talk now?' She nodded, but didn't stop stuffing pancakes in her mouth in satisfying little bites that warmed him to the core.

'What about?' His eyebrows shot up and she examine his face, blushing slightly. 'Okay, I'm sorry about the store. I didn't lie, I've had to do that a few times, but usually there is a neighbour I had, this woman in her 30s that is a teacher, and she would get for me. I never actually had to buy it myself. But I have taken it tough.'

'WHAT? Why would a teacher do that? Don't they usually frown on-'

'She was my neighbour, so she understood the situation. She couldn't help, but she could do this.'

'I don't understand.'

'Maybe that's for the best.'

'Is it?'

'Zach, what are you doing?'

'You said... you can't do this, everything? What did that mean?'

'I was just having a weak moment, okay.'

'You don't strike me as the type.'

'Fuck you! You try to go through-'

Zach put his hand over hers, and she stilled down. 'I just meant, this comment didn't sound like it was just... about the situation. Please talk to me if you are feeling like doing anything stupid.'

A hysterical giggle escaped out of her and she pulled her hand out like it was on fire. 'Maybe it's not so stupid. You know nothing about this.'

He looked at every bruise he could see and the sling around her arm intently. 'I know something.'

'Whatever. Not your business.'

'Abi- Abigail. I don't know you. But you are incredibly, strickingly, beautiful, extremely talented in singing from what I saw, and Jess is close with you after breaking up, and he's not a people's person. So how can I help.'

She blushed, taking more bites of the pancake to digest what he said. Something about him calling her beautiful and talented was extremely warming, especially when all she saw now was bruises. 'I appreciate all that. A lot. But you can't do anything.'

'Well, I seemed to provide comfort while sleeping, so I can totally be your human pillow for as long as you need, for starters...' He mentioned, and she spat out the coffee so fast, some came out of her nose, giggling.

'Jesus, Zack, I know you heard that conversation, must you torture me?'

His mouth curved in a smile. She looked so much better smiling, even now. 'Whatever helps. If that helps, why not?'

She was blushing deeply now. Joking with Rory was one thing, actually asking him was different. 'As charming as that offer is, big guy, I'm not owing you anything.'

'You won't.'

'You misunderstood. I CAN"T.'

'Why?' She shrugged him off. 'Fine. You can cook something. Or take me out. Or something else. I trust you. Let me do this for you.' She rolled her eyes, but she was smiling. 'Ok. So I'm doing this for you as long as you need it. Now can you please tell me what else is the problem.'

She swallowed and closed her eyes. 'Abi?' She opened her eyes and dug into the pancakes again, intent on staring at them.

'Ok. But you can't do anything. And please don't. It's just... it is what it is. I'm telling you just so you will stop pestering.'

'Whatever helps.' Zach repeated with a smile.

3.

'Ugh- I- How do I start?'

'From the beginning?'

'Thanks smartass.' He grinned back at her. That was helpful, feeling like she was just having an everyday talk with a charming guy. Like she could concentrate on him, and not so much the words she was saying. Denial was a lifesaver sometimes. 'It's just- exhausting at times, okay, doesn't mean I'll actually do anything...stupid.'

'What is exhausting?'

'Doing this. Again. I finally got out, and I got emancipated, and I worked 3 jobs, and I got healthy, and I took my GED, I learned self-defence, I traveled, I sang, I danced, I dated. I build a life. I had government assistance. I almost had a shot of going at college in couple of years. Even if it was a slim shot.'

'And?'

'And he found me. And now I'm here. With just a backpack with whatever dance and school stuff I had. And whatever I had in my pockets. I kept fake documents and cash savings and a to-go bag for 2 years, and when it came to it, there wasn't time to say goodbye to anyone, to grab anything beyond the backpack next to the door. That was all of it. I call anyone, he knows my number now, he finds me. I go back, he finds me. I cash any of the assistance I was getting, or call my bosses, I'm sure he'll find me. So yeah. Not everything can be solved by taking a FUCKING pill okay. One problem solved, but the rest is a flipping mess.'

That was the most she'd said since she arrived, and the most honest too. She stopped eating, no longer hungry, and stared down, too anxious to hear his thoughts. Then she met his eyes defiently.

'I'm fine okay. You don't have to be sorry. I'm alive. That's something. Everything. I'm just...exhausted. Is that fine with you?'

Zach sighed. 'Can I hug you, beautiful?'

Abi giggled, her cheeks burning. ''Stop with the compliments, one day I'll believe you.'

'You better, I don't lie. So can I?'

Abi nodded, and he sat next to her, gently wrapping her in a warm, bear hug. She buried her face in his chest, feeling warm and safe. She breathed deeply, letting some of the anxiety drain. She wasn't sure when she'd have that much closeness again, so she made use of it while she had it. Just for a second, she allowed herself to imagine she was his, that they were together, and she didn't have to run and rebuild again. It was a nice little fantasy. She knew it was not going to happen, but it was a good feeling.

Finally he returned to his place around the table.

'Okay, now it's my turn to talk.' Zach said, and she stared at him, wondering what else was there to say.'You're safe. You're...ugh...well, okay-ish. You'll get healthy, and you'll figure out the rest one by one. It's tiring, yes. But you don't stike me as the giving up type. You're with us now, and for now, you have where to stay. It's a small place, but it's the safest town I can imagine. You can get a job once you're better, for now you have where to stay so don't worry about that.'

She was looking at him with the 'are you insane' look, so he continued. 'No, not crazy. If you are stuck on the no owing anything part, you can pay it off later, or help around the house or something else. Just don't think about it for now. Let's just start with the smaller stuff.' He pushed a napkin and a pen towards her 'Make a list of what you need to begin with, and we'll get it. Along with some more first aid supplies. And I need you to tell me one thing you enjoy.'

'Ugh... Zach, this is not the easy part. I have 17$ in cash in my wallet, and I can't use any cards or he'll know. And something I enjoy?'

'I'm paying.' He grunted in helpless anger. 'Abi, let me help. I can't do anything about what he did. I can't tear all his limbs and torture him- YET. Stop talking about owing things and just let me do the rediculuously short list of things I can do. Like give you comforting hugs, and buying some of the basics you need.'

'Why?'

Zach's eyes met hers, nothing like the usual soft kindness she saw. He looked at her full of unspoken rage and fire. 'Because, I can't yet KILL him.'

She swallowed, and made the list. He examined it, and pushed it back to her, and she got anxious, afraid she allowed herself to write more than he was willing to help with.

'Add something small you enjoy. You said you're tired. Makes sense. Add something small that has nothing to do with this situation. Just for the fun of it.'

'Are you like my guardian angel or something?'

'I can be whatever you want, baby. No, fuck, I mean it. Let me do something for you. You'll have plenty to worry ahead, and I can handle extra 20 or 30$ today, if I can do anything that will put a smile on your face.'

Abi scribbled on the napkin quickly, almost sure he'd change his mind. She made a mental note to take the receipt after shopping, because she wasn't about to owe anyone. But for today, she'd let him help. She slid the napkin to him quickly, like she was sure he had been joking. Who did something for the sake of it? He'll laugh. He'll say it's stupid.

Instead, he looked at it, and paid their waitress, and then took her hand gently. 'Let's go do some shopping, then.'

4.

She pulled him back to sitting position in the booth.

'What's wrong, beautiful?'

'That's way too much, Zach.'

'Probably. But I can't do anything about this.' He gestured towards her bruises.

'Why, why do you care?'

'I don't know.' He muttered, unsettled. 'Can you just let me?'

'I don't know.'

'Why?'

'This is so fucking humiliating, Zach, stop.'

'Why? Why do you feel anything but rage? Whoever hurt you is a fucking psychopath.'

'You don't even know him.'

'Have you looked in a mirror?' His voice was heavy. He didn't need to know more. Abi shrugged, unsure what to say. Then she took a deep breath, and using the quietest softest tone she had, she let herself trust him with some of the truth. Partly because he felt too good and she was trying to scare him off before she got burned. Partly because hiding things had gotten so damn exhausting.

'Zach, he fucking said I owed him. For taking care of me for all those years. He said I owe him still. He said I owed him every time he made me have sex with him.'

'Excuse me?'

'He's my step-dad Zach. Whatever. I got emancipated, I rebuild, I was careful. But I got comfortable, and he found me. And he took what I owed him. Whatever.'

His stomach dropped. He felt sick, imagining how old the guy could be if he was masquarading as a parent of sorts. And then the rest of what she said hit him. 'Did you just say EVERY time?'

'I told you I had taken plan B before.'

'I was hoping you meant for a better reason.' She shook her head negatively. He cursed, unsure as what to say to her. 'Abi, please let me help with the shopping? I feel so goddamn useless.'

She blinked away the tears. 'Zach, you being here is everything. I don't usually talk about this. Jess knows, but he doesn't really. Not the details, never. '

'So let me do what I can. It's nothing to me and it will be something for you, I think.'

'It will be everything.'

'So we are going? And NO, you don't ever, EVER owe anything, okay, I want to help. You can pay this forward with a stranger in the future, if it bothers you.'

She looked at him, fairly certain one day soon he'll just dissipate in the daylight, like he was a figment of her imagination. Being with Jess had changed her life, eventually. Because they both had dark secrets, partially. Because he'd found her at that bathroom after she got exhausted, and didn't let her give up. So she'd straightened her act. But they were both teenagers and messed up, so they yelled and fought constantly. They were still too young and didn't understand each other much. Jake was fun and comfortable to be with, but they never talked about her past or anything too serious. For years, she'd been concentrated in building her life into the picture in her head, and that picture didn'tinclude her admitting to going ghrough any of this. Until her past caught up with her. Zach... Zach made it too easy to tell him things she didn't tell Jess for year and a half. She wasn't sure why, but that scared her. He was too good to be true. No one was that kind.

But for now, just for today, for this moment, she'd let him be in her life. Just for a m9ment he could enjoy his sunny character, his charming smile, his warmth and comfort. Reality would crash in eventually, it always did. But just for a moment...?

'Ok, big guy. Let's got do some shopping.'