Yes, I know it has been forever, but this story has never left my mind. Several times I have reread what I posted, thinking I was about to take it up again. My timing may not be the best given I have two other WIP, but I am determined now that I will finish this story up in 2023. So to help keep me on track with this goal (and to give you a chance to catch up or remind yourself of what came before and to follow if you weren't doing that before and have a mind to do it now), I decided to post a new chapter this year.

Where we left off is that Anne has been traveling with Sophia Croft and her friend the widow Mirabella Holmes to seek out Captain Frederick Wentworth. This came about as Frederick's sister and brother have conspired to reunite Frederick with Anne, to Frederick's and Anne's delight, with Frederick proposing via letter and asking Anne to go with his sister to meet him. In the last chapter, Mirabella revealed unexpected news about the man she married, Captain Edgar Holmes. If you don't remember what, you definitely need to review past chapters.

There are some demeaning things said about Mirabella and Edgar both in this chapter. Obviously those are not my opinions, but those of villainous characters and I condemn such attitudes in the strongest terms.

31.

Anne was astonished by what she had heard from Mirabella, but it all made sense, clarified the picture she had been forming of her dear friend. "Is this, then, the reason your sister and your family have been so cruel to you?"

"Yes, in part," Mirabella declared, slumping, every line of her form communicating her distress. "But perhaps it is no more than I deserve for flaunting the rules of society and marrying him. My sister and her husband have both berated me many a time for my selfish choice, but when I was with Edgar, those times when he was ashore with me, I felt more beloved, more precious than I ever have before or since."

Mirabella hugged herself and inclined her head at those final words that she uttered. It seemed to Anne that Mirabella's self-embrace echoed the past embrace of her husband, her face remembered being pressed against his chest.

Anne, who had a generous and caring heart, and who well knew the misery of not being loved by her family, could well imagine how much worse it would be to not merely be discounted and overlooked, but actively shamed for her choices. There was certainly a reason that she avoided her family learning anything about her training with the apothecary, did not tell them she was leaving for good.

Even though Anne knew Mirabella's tale to have an unhappy ending, she was glad that her friend had received true happiness for a time and exclaimed "You must have loved him dearly; will you not tell me more about your life together?"

"Yes of course," Mirabelle declared, raising her face to look at Anne. Being satisfied with the look of acceptance, and interest she saw in Anne's countenance, Mirabella proceeded, and once she began the words kept tumbling out. "You see, given my age, by the time I met Edgar I had given up on marriage. I lived my life to be of use to my family, to care for them. As I have said, I came to Bath with my father and mother so that my father could take the waters. We were staying with my Uncle Simon and his widowed daughter, Anna. But my parents were so tired from the journey there, and Anna was of a mind to be a good hostess to them, that it was only my Uncle Simon and I who visited the pump room that first day.

"If my father and mother had been about, I am certain that they would not have let me be introduced to Captain Holmes, but my uncle could hardly ignore a fellow captain, someone who I later learned on our return carriage ride to my uncle's home, had carried him to sickbay when he was injured during battle when my uncle was a lieutenant and Edgar was a midshipman.

"Once Uncle Simon acknowledged Captain Holmes and he approached us, it would have been unaccountably rude for my uncle to not introduce us. We exchanged but few words then, most of the conversation was remembrances between the two men from their time serving on the same ship, and asking after others they knew in common but who had gone onto other postings.

"I do not remember much of the conversation as it did not concern me or anyone I knew, but I recall enjoying listening to the smooth cadence of Captain Holmes's voice, which was English through and through, a stark contrast to his appearance which bespoke of exotic foreign climes. I was truly happy then when my uncle invited him for dinner, for I hoped to learn more about him, hear some new naval stories (I had heard most of my uncle's stories since he had given up the sea some five years earlier).

"However, when Edgar arrived for dinner, one of several naval guests, my mother took one look at him and her expression changed. She narrowed her eyes, drew her head back, pulled her bottom lip in and even shuddered. Mother then declared in a strident voice that dared anyone to challenge her, 'I have a headache; Mirabella and I shall dine in my room.'"

Mirabella could still seek the horrible expression her mother had made, recall the looks of the guests, who clearly knew that the excuse was made up, but whom knew it would not be polite to question her. But worst of all to Mirabella was the lack of any obvious reaction from Captain Holmes. She studied him for a moment or two before she turned to go with her mother, saw just a minute tightening of his jaw even as he resumed his conversation with another naval captain. In his lack of much reaction, she saw clearly that such an occurrence must be all too frequent for him, something he had long ago learned to ignore, pretend did not matter. A wave of pity had swept through Mirabella then, though she doubted that Captain Holmes would want that from anyone. Her mother then tugged at her arm and she had to follow her.

"I did not want to go with my mother," Mirabella explained, "for I was three and thirty, but truly at that time my life was not mine to command. Having lived at home the entirety of my life, I knew not to gainsay her. It was dreadful to dine with her, to hear her complaints about my uncle inviting the wrong sort of company. I did not understand how she could judge the man she did not know by such attributes.

"While I knew little of Captain Holmes, I tried to soften her by explaining what I had heard of how he had saved Uncle, but she was determined to see no good in his act, only avarice and cowardliness. She insisted, with no proof, that Edgar must have hoped to gain by his act, to hold over Uncle that Uncle now owed him a favor; she also declared that perhaps she was crediting him with too much intelligence in thinking his understanding was sufficient to adopt such a strategy, perhaps simply found an excuse to go below as he did not want to be on deck during the battle."

Mirabella carefully edited her mother's words, feeling what she said was sufficient to explain what had occurred without recounting all the horrible ways her mother had found to express herself. Mirabella felt, rightly or wrongly, that it was too much to share with anyone.

"Then Mother moved on to more general complaints about his race, rather than just him. She made pronouncements favoring the continuation of slavery, discussed her disgust with the abolitionists, declared the British Empire would eventually lose all of its possessions if darker men were not kept in their place. Finally, she argued against the pollution of English blood, insisted . . ."

Here Mirabella hesitated, not sure she should say the words that were burned into her memory more than all the ones that had come before.

"What is it, Mirabella?" Anne asked, seeing that Mirabella both wished to continue speaking and simultaneously was hesitating. "You can tell me."

Mirabella found some courage and then the words burst out of her. "Mother said 'that darkie is more monkey than man, he ought to be toiling in a field somewhere, not eating at Simon's table.'"

Mirabella lowered her head in shame, that someone of her blood could say and think such horrible things.

"Oh, how awful!" Anne exclaimed.

"Yes, indeed," Mirabella agreed, finding the courage to raise her head again. "Do not misunderstand me, I had well been familiar with my mother's general attitudes of those who were not of pure English blood. She thought badly of many races, had decried an acquaintance of my father's who returned from India with a native bride. But before this time, I had not understood before how deep seated, ingrained and beloved to her were her prejudices.

"I had never met any with any negro blood before meeting Captain Holmes, but whatever my preconceptions, I would have never denied his or their humanity nor right to freedom. And hearing him speak before was enough to confirm to me that he was just as much a man as any other. Upon this final pronouncement from my mother, I could contain myself no longer and declared 'You are wrong, oh so wrong,' and then fled her room in tears.

"I wanted to join the company below, but I could not let anyone see me this way, so I crept down the stairs and hid myself with hardly a glance in a room just off the dining room. You see, I hoped to perchance overhear some of the dining room conversation, to calm myself enough that I might join the women after dinner. I did not realize I had entered a room with a necessary that was intended for men, or that Edgar was tucking himself away just then. Fortunately his back was to me, and I was just about to ease myself from the room when he turned toward me and I recognized him."

Anne colored in imaging such a faux pax. This then recalled to Anne how little she truly knew of men and what was contained beneath their clothes. But she had little time to reflect on that as Mirabella did not pause in her tale.

"Captain Holmes looked astonished and I expected him to tell me to leave, for clearly I was in the wrong locale, but instead, he observed my countenance, exclaimed 'Dear God, what is wrong, Miss?' Of course I was horrified in knowing my face was stained with tears, my nose red, and my handkerchief soaked without having completed its office.

"I shook my head, unwilling to say anything that might make my tears flow again. Edgar gave me his handkerchief, bid me dry my tears and looked upon me so kindly with his warm brown eyes (so unlike my mother's flinty blue eyes had been when she revealed, proudly, all the evil in her own heart). I mopped my face dry and once that was done, he told me he was going back to the dining room and bid me to leave quickly after, certainly before the dinner concluded, and I did. I was lingering in the hall when everyone came out and was able to join the women. It was only then that I realized I was still clutching his handkerchief. I quickly tucked it into my sleeve and pretended all was well.

"When the men joined the women, although Edgar was too far away to engage in conversation, I was quite inattentive to my near partners and found my eyes drawn to him again and again. I still recall the clothes her wore, the occasional glances he made my way. It felt that somehow Edgar saw me, truly saw me, saw past my loss of bloom, my resignation to my fate as a perpetual spinster."

Mirabella's lips turned up a hint as she recalled, and Anne's did too, sensing they were approaching a more pleasant aspect of Mirabella's account.

"I will admit to you, Anne, that Captain Holmes's face, his form, was pleasing to me from the start. He was tall, strong, and confident despite the blows life had dealt him (although I did not learn about those for some time). But despite having fine clothes, he was not perfect, no far from it, but those little imperfections appealed to me.

"I recall he had tried to slick his hair back but it would not be tamed, fluffed out here and there, like a dandelion made of brown puffs. My fingers itched to touch those wild bits, smooth it, feel how it compared with my own.

"Later, when we came to know one another, he was so attentive, such a good listener. Edgar made me feel precious, beloved, for he cared about my thoughts and feelings, did not discount them or me."

Mirabella fell silent, lost in memories about her lost love. Anne was silent also for a time, thinking about Frederick. It occurred to Anne that Mirabella's general description of Captain Holmes was not too different to how Anne might have described Frederick, save for surface differences in their appearances.

Anne having loved and lost Frederick for so many years, even if it was her own fault in turning him away, felt that she knew something about how Mirabella was dwelling in her memories now, using them to sustain herself. But unlike Mirabella, the object of Anne's love was not finally, irrevocably denied to her.

Anne felt it most unfair that she was on the verge of achieving true happiness, of gaining her Frederick back, had every hope for the future, when the bulk of Mirabella's happiness was gone, with little to hope for but success for her son. Anne wanted happiness for her friend, something better than returning to her sister's home and the drab existence of merely surviving.

Eventually, Anne's curiosity caused her to ask, "How did you come to court and to marry?"

Mirabella beamed, "The next day, when my cousin and I took a walk through Bath, while my father and uncle took the waters, we met Edgar coming out of a shop and we had exchanged all of five words when he asked to call on me. I was well pleased, but rightfully fearing that my mother would not allow me to enjoy such a visit, might well abuse him most viciously to his face, I said 'T'would be better if you did not call at the house.'

"Oh, Anne, if you could have but seen his expression. While upon hearing my mother's words about her claimed headache when it was obvious that she was refusing to dine at the same table as him, he had little reaction at all, this time his reaction then was more evident, a tightening of his lips, a sad look in his eyes, even as he hastened to make these tells vanish. It was as if it truly mattered to him that I might be rejecting him. He said, 'Forgive my presumption," and made as if to turn and walk away.

"But I could not let him do that, and I hastened to explain, 'I would welcome such a visit, but my mother would not.' He gave me a slight smile, but then we both stood there, uncertain as to how to overcome this difficulty.

"My dear cousin, understanding what we were about, took it upon herself to make arrangements for us to meet elsewhere under her auspices, and so it began. My cousin was even kind enough to invite me to stay on when my parents were ready to return to London. Things were much easier when my mother was gone, for naturally my uncle welcomed Edgar into his home and within two weeks we had married by common license."

Mirabella held out her hand with its plain gold band and admired it as if it were festooned with the finest jewels. She was recalling Edgar slipping it on her finger and the surge of happiness that accompanied that act, she was remembering her Uncle Simon calling her Mrs. Holmes, her cousin Anna hugging her (for they had been their witnesses in a small ceremony with only perhaps six guests in attendance). She also recalled the marital intimacies they had shared, the strangeness and newness of it all, and also how Edgar hardly ever stopped smiling in those first few days, how she smiled so much as well that her face came to ache of it.

"I stayed with Edgar in his rented rooms and though we had little (my parents when I wrote to them about my marriage would not even answer me. Instead they wrote to my uncle and berated him most thoroughly, told him that neither of us should see one farthing of their money, that what was to have been my dowry, or was to support me after they passed on, had been given over to my sister and her husband), I was happy. I am sure by doing this, they wanted me to regret my choice, beg for their forgiveness, but I did not. It was troubling to be sure, but I did not think about it very much. I learned to do much for myself, sew my own clothes and darn a sock (rather than just work on embroidery to display), cook a simple meal (rather than just plan a menu), and I had a quiet joy in my own self-sufficiency and ability to care for my husband.

"Being with Edgar, being with someone who cared so much for me and I for him, meant far more to me than anything else. It was a congenial life for a few months, and those were the best months of my life. But of course it could not stay that way forever, for Edgar had to resume his occupation and was obliged to go onto his next posting. He did not want to leave me, no indeed, but even then we already knew that our first child would come in a few months. He told me sensibly enough, 'The sea is no good place for a child to be born.' He then arranged for me to return to my uncle's house while he should be gone."

Mirabella's face fell with the remembered sorrow of knowing her husband must leave. She declared to Anne, "Oh what bitter tears I cried at being parted from him! I could not even gain solace from my cousin for she had lately married a merchant bound for India. But soon I grew used to his absence and was content enough. I exchanged many letters with Edgar. I lived for the post, for our son and when I would see my husband next; I did not care that my parents, my sister were as strangers to me. And oh how good Uncle Simon was to me, never blamed me that as a result of sheltering me that my parents had utterly rejected him."

"How long was Captain Holmes gone?" Anne inquired.

"Edgar returned when Eddie was three and oh how proud he was. We had a lovely four months together before he was off again. I begged him to take us with him, but he said Eddie was too young to understand the dangers of the ship, that he had too hard of a time keeping the men in line without having a wife aboard.

"When I learned that Edgar was lost, I would not have been able to go on if not for my son. But that was not the end of my torment, for not two months after Edgar was lost, my uncle died as well and it turned out his funds were not enough to balance his debts, that everything of his was to be sold.

"I knew I could not bear to throw myself on my mother's mercy and in the end I had no choice but to seek the charity of my sister's family. They grudgingly accepted me, but not my son. No, I was obliged to send Eddie away to become a sailor at the tender age of eight, to surrender him to the life that stole my husband away. But there was nothing else to be done and Eddie was so proud to follow in the footsteps of his father."

Mirabella swiped a few tears away. Anne did not know what to say, but did draw her own handkerchief forth to offer it to her friend. But Mirabella shook her head, fiddled with her reticule, and drew forth her own handkerchief, one that was stained and old. Before MIrabella used it to wipe away the last of her tears, she still held it out for Anne to see. Anne observed it was plain but for a monogram in one corner.

"This, besides my Eddie, it the greatest treasure I have from him," Mirabella exclaimed. She then asked, "Do you know why?"

Anne got closer to the handkerchief and studied it. She observed the monogram had a large "H" in the middle, guessed at it standing for "Holmes" with a smaller "E" to the left which must have been for "Edgar" and an "L" to the right of the "H" which must have been his middle initial.

"Is this the vaunted handkerchief that Captain Holmes first lent you?" Anne asked, almost certain her supposition was correct.

"The very same," Mirabella confirmed. "It is precious to me because it is a sign of him caring before he even knew me." She dabbed at her eyes before carefully folding it and putting it away in her reticule.

Although Anne certainly did not envy Mirabella's widowed condition, she felt a little prick of regret that she had no precious token from Frederick that she had been able to hold onto for all of these years. But then she recalled the letter he had written her, the words that she had studied so many times.

Almost as if Mirabella knew her thoughts, Mirabella added, "I of course have saved all of Edgar's letters, and all of Eddie's too. They take up a full half of my trunk, but I would never leave them abandoned in my sister's house."

Mirabella shook her head, folding further in on herself. "Edgar would not have wanted me to live with them, but what else was I to do? I must bear all their insults for I will not defame my husband's name by seeking a protector, should any even be interested in a woman of my age, have not the skills and references to take up an occupation. Thus, I have to remain silent when my sister's husband says, I have made myself as low as the beasts of the field, have chosen to wallow in the mud as a sow, made my family muddy by my actions, stolen their pure heritage from them."

"No, no!" Anne exclaimed, horrified. "While such a match could cause difficulties, it is true, your sister's husband's words say much more about him than you. He purposefully tried to shame and demean you, showed the ugliness of his own soul."

"Be that as it may," Mirabella replied, "I must take every lash of his tongue. I would rather be a servant than remain in their home, would gladly serve you or Sophia in such a role on one of your husband's ships than return to my home such as it is, but I well know an unmarried woman cannot safely live upon a ship. I shall always bear much gratitude for Sophia asking me to accompany her, giving me some respite from my retiring life as the one who is not wanted, not needed, is the one upon whom they vent their spleen. I hope to see you happy; what a fine thing that would be."

"Oh, Mirabella," Anne could not help but cry out, "I wish I could do something more for you." Anne thought of the little bit of money she had. She wished to give it all to Mirabella, but knew it would be folly. For Anne knew she herself might need the money as she did not know what twists and turns her journey would take and even if she could turn it over to Mirabella it could not provide for her for long, would only put off the inevitable return to her sister's house. In truth, there seemed to be no long-term solution for Mirabella, who seemed resigned to her fate.

Anne gathered Mirabella into her arms, giving what comfort she could to the older woman. The two women clung to each other. Then and there, Anne resolved to do whatever she could for Mirabella in the time remaining on their journey. There had to be a solution for her rather than just abandoning her to her undeserved fate. Anne also contemplated if there was any way to reunite Mirabella with her son, if only for a short visit, resolving to make inquiries of Sophia and if he seemed amenable, perhaps Admiral Croft himself.

A/N: I have some tentative plans for where this story is going, know how Mirabella's situation will be resolved, but a lot of things are still up in the air in my mind. Although I have tried to find out more about the age of sail and how things worked aboard a ship, I still feel that it is difficult to make that part of this story realistic, as there is so much that I do not know. Now is your chance to offer me suggestions as to where you would like this story to go. I plan to get back to Frederick with the next chapter and give him a little adventure and then perhaps in the following chapter skip ahead a little with Anne and have them aboard Admiral Croft's new ship, heading toward a rendezvous with Frederick's ship. What do you think?