Some mornings she woke up crying, although she tried to not let anyone know. She couldn't help it, she missed her mother, she missed Ramon and her sisters, and she missed Texas. The clerk in Denver had helped her pick out a more than adequate wardrobe of warm clothes, but she didn't think that she'd ever get used to Montana's cold weather.
She was still mourning her marriage, although she didn't quite understand why. Her wedding rings were stored with her cash in a lock box, which she stored in her foot locker. She knew no one would try to steal from her, but she keeping it locked provided her with a sense of security.
She needed to sell the rings, they were too painful a reminder of what had happened to her. If she pawned them in Bozeman he would never know. What she really wanted to do was sell them and buy herself a nice piece of jewelry, something she could wear to create a good memory to replace the bad.
It was Saturday and they had the day off. Yesterday had been payday but her check was still sitting in her bag. She needed to find a bank and start an account. She also needed a safety deposit box she could store her cash in without rousing suspicion. She'd put a few thousand in her account, but the rest could lie hidden.
She got out of bed and got up to clean the stalls and feed the horses. It never took her that long, and she didn't mind doing it. When she was done she'd claim first shower and the hot water. Her hair had started to grow out and she didn't want anyone to see, yet. Until she decided what she wanted to do she'd hide it under her hat.
She stepped outside and noticed it was starting to snow. The horses would probably stay in their stalls unless Rip decided to turn them out. The horses didn't seem to mind the weather, but Rip was always looking out for their welfare.
No one was up yet when she returned to the bunkhouse. She took a quick shower and washed her hair. It was warm enough in the bunkhouse to let it dry naturally, but she wished she could use her dryer.
There was a calendar posted on the wall and when she saw what day it was she started crying, she couldn't help it. It was her birthday, the first she'd ever spent away from home. For her breakfast, her mother would make huevos rancheros and serve it with warm corn tortillas. She'd make a chocolate cake spiced with chili and a thick chocolate frosting. Dinner would be a surprise, maybe a roast, or grilled carne asada.
She felt the tears coming so she put on her down coat and went outside so no one would see them. It was just her luck, though, that Ryan had decided to come outside. And there was no way that he wouldn't notice that she'd been crying.
"What's the matter?" he asked and took her in his arms. She put her arms around him and let the tears come.
"I'm sorry, but I'm so homesick and what makes it worse is today is my birthday. My mom would fix me breakfast, and then surprise me with dinner and a chocolate cake. I miss my family so much. It's been so hard since my dad died, I'm Mexican and my family means everything to me. I did the right thing by leaving, but I had no idea it would hurt so much."
She wished she could tell him everything, that she was here to look for her brother. Everything pointed to Benito having been here, but had he left? Had someone here killed him and hid the body? What had happened to his horse and his truck? Where was her beloved brother?
And could she tell him about her failed marriage and beaten by her husband? That part Ryan would understand, but she didn't feel safe yet talking to anyone. "Keep your secrets," her abuela had told her. This time she was right, but someday she would have to talk to someone.
This ranch was so big, it would be easy to dispose of a body. Just leave it in someplace that was isolated, and the animals would take care of it. Flesh would rot, if there was any left, and animals would scatter the bones.
But some bones might be left, skulls of murder victims might be found. This ranch was too damn big for her to search, so maybe they had a place where they'd take someone they didn't want found.
"Hey," Ryan was stroking her hair, "If it's your birthday, something can be done about that. I'll tell Rip and he'll ask Gator to fix you something special. What would you want?"
That was easy. "I'd like barbeque pork ribs, I haven't had any since I left Texas. And a Mexican chocolate cake with fudge icing."
"Done," he said, and he looked like he was going to kiss her, so she pulled herself gently from his arms. Ryan was attractive and more importantly he was a nice man. If it hadn't been for her disastrous marriage she might have let him, but she wasn't ready.
"Thank you," she said softly and wiped her eyes. She wanted to run into the bunkhouse and seek the safety of her bed, but she forced herself to walk with him.
She tied a scarf over her head to hide the blond roots that were growing out. Her natural hair color was a dark taffy color and showed against the dark colored strands.
Everyone in the bunkhouse had been kind and accepting, and sometimes she wished she could tell them who she really was and why she was there. It was getting harder and harder to keep her secret, but she knew she had to. She didn't dare trust anyone, even the girls.
"Keep your secrets". That had been drilled into her since she was a young child. She was lucky, she had inherited her father's dark blond hair, but if you looked, you could see the Spanish cheekbones and eyes. She had seen her brothers pulled over time and time again based only on their skin and eye color. It wasn't easy being Mexican-American and it seemed like her people were held in contempt by the Anglo world.
She hadn't spoken to any of the Native Americans around here, but she imagined they felt the same way, aliens in their own homeland. She had seen something on Netflix called "Rumble" and she'd learned that Indians had been treated worse than slaves. Well, I'm not alone, she thought, Mexicans, Indians, any people of color got treated like dirt. She and her brothers and sisters had been taunted more than once over their appearance and their blood.
She was in the barn cleaning the stalls, her refuge, her puppy lying at her feet when someone startled her.
"Happy birthday," said Rip and he looked like he meant it. "I understand you've requested barbeque pork ribs for dinner."
"And a chocolate cake," she added, somehow that little girl who ran away from her husband seemed far away. It hadn't been a year yet, but she felt miles away from that naïve bride who had been so sure that her husband loved her.
"Well, Gator wants to know how many candles he should put on your cake?" Rip was smiling, was he really smiling? The next thing she knew he would be petting the puppy.
"Twenty-three, I'm twenty-three today and it feels so far from how twenty-two felt. I feel like I'm a different person."
"Well, maybe you are. You're growing up, you grow all the time, you know. You better start worrying if you don't keep growing." He reached down and scratched the puppy's ears.
Her jaw dropped, "I thought you didn't like dogs."
"Oh, she's kind of grown on me, she's a good dog." He grinned at her and walked out of the barn.
She spent the day working in the barn which suited her just fine. If she cried while cleaning a stall, only the horses heard. It was her little kingdom, no one bothered her here.
She finished before the other hands got back, so she took another shower, and did her hair and makeup. She'd covered her roots with a soft scarf so only her black-dyed hair showed. What she would do as her roots started growing she didn't know. She didn't want to color her hair again, she would be glad when the natural color grew out.
She was sipping on a whiskey when the rest of the hands started trailing in. She searched the TV channels until she found a rodeo being broadcast and sat down to watch it.
"Hey birthday girl," Kolby said. Rip and Ryan must have talked, "I heard we're having barbeque tonight—you didn't want steak?"
"No, I wanted barbeque. I haven't really had a chance to go out since I've been here, and I don't know which of the bars are good."
"Bars ain't really safe around here, they're all tourist bars that used to be cowboy bars. Real cowboys aren't welcome in there anymore," said Lloyd.
"Well, I'm still sort of a tourist here. It would be nice to have someplace to go once in a while where you can listen to a band or dance if you like. I can't see anyone starting a fight with me."
"Well, you talk to Rip before you decide if you want to go out. You'd have to take someone with you." Lloyd was trying to be wise and helpful, but he was irritating her.
"I don't need to be protected," she started to say but she was interrupted when Rip, Gator, and John Dutton came in to door. Gator unloaded trays of food and finished with a huge chocolate cake with twenty-three candles sitting on it.
"Happy Birthday!" everyone shouted, and they all sat down to dinner, even John and Gator. The sauce on the ribs tickled her tongue. There was potato salad and baked beans and all the fixings that went with barbeque. At first everyone was too busy stuffing their faces, then first John Dutton then everyone else started telling stories.
Her birthday had gone from bad to perfect. She still missed her family, but at least she had friends gathered around the table to celebrate with her. There were no presents, but she didn't need any. Her present to herself would be to pawn her wedding rings and buy something, she decided. It wasn't just her birthday she was celebrating, she was celebrating her freedom.
The food was almost gone when Rip, John, and Gator headed back to the house. She wrapped up the leftovers in foil and put them into the refrigerator. They wouldn't last long, someone might help themselves for a midnight snack, but that didn't matter. Best of all, they had left the cake.
People were talking and she felt left out, not because they were unkind but because they knew each other. She felt lonely and strange, so she grabbed her coat and went outside for a breath of fresh air.
She looked up at the night sky. When it was clear like this you could see the Milky Way and more stars than you could count.
The sky was different here, than it was in Texas. Here the sky was vast and unending, you felt small when you looked up.
"You're missing your party," a voice spoke behind her, a male voice, "Don't you want to come inside? We're going to play hold em."
She turned around and saw Ryan. "I just needed to escape for a moment," she said, "This is the first birthday I've spent without my family. I like it here but sometimes it feels a little overwhelming. Guess I should have left home a long time ago, I feel like such a wuss." She started to cry, wishing Ryan would go away so he wouldn't see her like this.
Too late. Ryan took her in his arms and held her tightly. He tried to kiss her, but she pulled away.
"What's wrong?" he asked and she shook her head.
She wanted to tell someone, she needed to. "If I tell you something, Ryan, could I trust you not to tell anyone?"
He looked into her brown eyes and could tell she was serious. "Okay, I promise. You need to be careful what you say in the bunkhouse."
"I like you, Ryan, you're attractive, you're funny, and I wish I were different right now." She paused and took a deep breath, "I had my marriage annulled, we'd only been married a few weeks and when we came back from our honeymoon he hit me. He hit me so hard that I don't even remember what happened. I waited until he was asleep and grabbed my cat and ran. I found a neighbor who was awake, and she called my mom for me."
"Wow". It was all he could say. He'd heard about things like this, but he'd never encountered a battered woman before. He looked at her and thought that any man who'd hit a woman deserved to be beaten to a pulp.
"Did this happen in Texas?" he asked, and she nodded. "How long ago?"
"It's been barely three months, and each night before I go to sleep I'm afraid I'm going to dream about him. I have dreams where he's coming towards me with his fist raised and I wake just as he's about to hit me." She paused for a moment, her eyes earnest, "Don't tell anyone, please, not Rip, not John Dutton, not anyone. I don't want anyone's pity, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me."
Ryan took her in his arms and kissed the top of her head, "I won't, I promise. And I'll always be there if you need to talk. You're one brave kid, you know that?"
"Wish I felt that way. I feel so stupid for marrying him in the first place. I'm not going to let that happen again, ever, I just have trouble trusting right now."