Review Responses
(I'll be doing more of these in future chapters)
LordofFlames: I gave your review some thought and did a bit of re-writing to replace Mercury with Lionheart. You're right. He's a much better fit for Sir Robin. I forgot all about him due to the sheer variety of RWBY's cast of characters. Thank you so much for the review to help me improve my story.
JC of the Corn: I know. Since Qrow and Ironwood hate each other, I figured the former was perfect for the French taunter. Also, Lancelot's tale fits Ozmas story perfectly.
MarioCatjr: Lol. I knew she'd be peeved by all that so I threw it in.
Chronosign: Indeed. I know for a fact Glynda, Ironwood, and Lionheart knew about his past. Qrow, I'm not sure about, though.
Zekken182 and Ben Turner1: That's my favorite part of the whole movie. It'll be a blast to write!
Vanitus Omnipotent: What do you mean? In the audience or in one of the adaptations?
Lord Cain55: Possibly. Though she will definitely be given the cold shoulder by everyone, especially Yang and Qrow.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the property of directors Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones (RIP), production company Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, and distributed by EMI Films.
A man in a modern dark blue suit stood outside a castle in the forest. A film crewman held a clapperboard in frame.
"Hmm?" Ozpin said curiously.
"What's this?" Neptune wondered
"Is this the same movie, Gold-Sith?" Ruby asked the host.
"Yes, Ms. Rose. Just keep watching "
With a snap of the clapperboard, the crewman stepped out of frame while 'A Very Famous Historian' appeared beneath Sleet in white text as he looked into the camera.
"Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened King James," Sleet narrated. "The ferocity of the Mistrali taunting took him completely by surprise and James became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion."
"Is this supposed to be a movie, or a documentary?" Oobleck questioned in puzzlement.
"I'm not sure of anything at this point," Port said with equal confusion.
"James, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail individually. Now, this is what they did. No sooner-"
Suddenly, with a loud war cry, a mounted knight rode past Sleet and sliced his neck a sword, killing him instantly.
Many audience members jumped in their seats at Sleets sudden death.
"Whoa!" Jaune exclaimed.
"Who the hell was that?" Sun asked aloud.
"It couldn't have been one of Ironwood's knights," Qrow said before smiling. "He was riding an actual horse."
A few chuckles echoed from the theater while Ironwood growled softly.
The knight, who wore a concealing helmet, rode off into the forest.
"Sleet!" a woman's horrified voice rang out.
A woman in a beige jacket ran to her murdered husband.
Velvet scratched her head. "Okay... I'm officially confused," she said.
"Everyone is, bun-bun," Coco said.
"The Tale of Sir Leonardo. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Leonardo rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favorite minstrels," a narrator said.
"Why would Leonardo have minstrels?" Glynda questioned.
"Perhaps to sing about his bravery. Or lack thereof," Qrow answered with a chuckle.
Leonardo "rode" down a forest path with his minstrels trailing behind while playing soft, jolly song. The lead minstrel and singer, Rhodes, sang a praising Ballad for Leonardo.
"Bravely bold Sir Leonardo rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Leonardo.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Leonardo!"
"His introduction in the book says otherwise," Yang giggled.
"Perhaps he'll find his courage on the quest for the holy grail," Sun said hopefully for his headmaster.
"Or at least avoid pissing himself," Coco said with a smirk.
The group passed a crude, wooden road sign.
"He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Leonardo!"
Leonardo looked increasingly discomforted as Rhodes sang.
The audience was also disturbed by the graphic lyrics.
"Such appalling lyrics," Weiss criticized.
"How is that supposed to inspire him?" Port asked.
The group unknowingly passed another sign that read "certain death" pointing towards down their current path.
"Looks like there's trouble up ahead," Pyrrha said, referring to the warning sign.
"Bad news for Leonardo," Ozpin fretted slightly.
"Let's hope Mr. Wukong is right and Leonardo grows a spine," Glynda said.
Rhodes continued singing.
"His head smashed in and his heart cut out.
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged.
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off.
And his penis-"
"That's- uh-that's enough music for now, lads," Leonardo nervously cut Rhodes off and the music stopped.
"Thank Monty!" Weiss said, throwing her hands up. "That was the most hideous song I've ever heard."
"I don't even want to know the rest of that last lyric," Jaune added with a grimace.
"I'm starting to get the feeling the minstrels are just messing with him," Qrow commented.
"Looks like there's dirty work afoot," Leonardo informed his minstrels.
Low, ominous music played, as Leonardo scanned the forest warily.
Up ahead, Vine and Fria walked along the path whole carrying baskets full of mud. They passed Leonardo and his minstrels.
"Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom," Marrow lectured his mother.
"Oh, Vine, forget about freedom," Fria replied. "And don't drop that mud."
"He's still rambling on about politics," Yang noted.
"And collecting mud," Ruby added.
The group obliviously passed three dead knights that were pinned to a tree with a huge lance.
"Oh my Oum," Velvet said softly.
"Whatever killed those knights must have been big," Sun observed, judging by the lances size.
"And Lionheart's heading straight for it," Ironwood added.
"Halt!" a resonant voice rang out.
Leonardo and his minstrels stopped dead in their tracks and looked up in alarm.
A towering, three headed, giant wearing a yellow surcoat and metal plated boots stood aside the path. From right to left, the heads were Marrow, Harriet Bree, and Clover Ebi.
"Who art thou?" all three heads asked.
"Well look at that, a three headed giant," Oobleck said, not that surprised.
"All played by the Ace Ops, no less," Winter added, not expecting what she saw.
"He is brave Sir Leonardo, brave Sir Leonardo, who-" Rhodes began to sing.
"Shut up!" Leonardo sharply cut Rhodes off before nervously answering the giant. "Um, n- nobody, really. I'm j- ju-just passing through."
"What do you want?" the three heads asked threateningly.
"To fight and-" Rhodes tried singing again.
"Shut up!" Leonardo shouted.
"It's like he's trying to get Leonardo killed," Nora giggled.
"Or encouraging him to man up and be a real knight," Neptune assumed, eating a slice of pizza.
"Either way, it's funny," Coco said with a grin.
"Um- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh- j-just- just to, um- just to p- pass through, good Sir Knight," Leonardo stuttered.
"I'm afraid not!" all three heads refused.
"Ah. Well, actually I- I am a Knight of the Round Table," Leonardo admitted.
"You're a Knight of the Round Table?" Clover asked.
"I am," Leonardo confirmed.
"In that case, I shall have to kill you," Clover declared.
"Well, that didn't help his case," Glynda sighed, hoping Lionheart would survive the encounter.
"Shall I?" Harriett asked.
"Oh, I don't think so," Marrow disagreed.
"Well, what do I think?" Harriett asked.
"I think kill him," Clover insisted.
Mercury stared at the giant, unsure what to make of them arguing.
"Oh, let's be nice to him," Marrow suggested.
"So, each head has a conflicting personality," Ozpin noted.
"Indeed. Clover is the aggressive one, Harriet is neutral, and Vine is friendly," Penny observed.
"Then it was probably Clover who decided to kill those three knights pinned to that tree," Ren guessed.
"Oh, shut up," Clover shouted.
"Perhaps I could-" Mercury nervously began.
"And you!" Clover interrupted sharply. "Oh, quick! Get the sword out! I want to cut his head off!"
Marrow rolled his eyes "Oh, cut your own head off!"
"Yes, do us all a favor!" Harriet agreed.
Leonardo and Rhodes exchanged glances while the three heads bickered.
"It must be a hassle for them to decide on anything," Velvet said.
"They say two heads are better than one. But I guess three heads is too much," Qrow japed.
A few people laughed at Qrows joke.
"What?!" Clover said, offended.
"Yapping on all the time," Marrow said.
"You're lucky you're not next to him," Harriet added.
"What do you mean?" Clover asked.
"You snore!" Harriet answered angrily.
"I feel his pain," Ruby said while glancing at Yang with a smirk.
Yang just stuck her tongue out at Ruby while Weiss and Blake giggled.
"Oh, I don't," Clover denied. "Anyway, you've got bad breath."
"Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth," Harriet shot back.
"They're like a trio of squabbling kids," Blake said, shaking her head.
"It reminds me of when we first met," Weiss reminisced as she gave Ruby a remorseful look.
"It's all right, Weiss. You've come a long way since then," Ruby assured her partner with a smile.
"Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea," Marrow said to end the argument.
"Oh, all right, all right!" Clover conceded. "We'll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits."
"Yes," Harriet agreed.
"Oh, not biscuits," Marrow rejected.
"All right, not biscuits! But let's kill him anyway!" Clover said impatiently.
"Right!" Harriet and Marrow agreed.
The three heads turned back to Leonardo. But he and his minstrels had already fled.
A few audience members chuckled.
"Well, who didn't see that coming?" Qrow snarked.
"Nobody," Coco said as she ate from a bag of candy.
There was a short pause.
"He buggered off," Clover said.
"So he has. He's scarpered!" Marrow added.
"It feels like a subtle jab at bureaucracies," Port pointed out.
"Indeed. They spend so much time quarreling, by the time they reach an agreement, it's too late," Ironwood grieved as he remembered arguments in the Atlas council producing no positive results.
Cut to Leonardo and his minstrels continuing down the forest path.
"Brave Sir Leonardo ran away," Rhodes sang mockingly.
"No!" Leonardo whined in denial.
"Bravely ran away, away."
"I didn't!"
The entire audience laughed.
"They should call him chickenheart instead of lionheart," Yang joked.
This elicited even more laughter.
"Finally, you make a good joke," Ruby giggled, earning a pout from Yang.
Lionheart and his minstrels marched off into the woods as Rhodes continued his derogatory singing.
"When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled," Rhodes continued.
"No!" Leonardo denied again.
"Yes, brave Sir Leonardo turned about,"
"I didn't!"
And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
"I never did!"
"He beat a very brave retreat,
"All lies!"
"Bravest of the brave, Sir Leonardo."
"I never!"
"When do you think he'll stop singing?" Blake asked.
Weiss shrugged. "I suppose whenever he runs out of verses," she assumed.
Cut to an animated intermission. A line of brown cloaked monks were inching across a giant vine.
"Blessed Lord Monty. Give them rest," the monks chanted repeatedly.
"Oh, great," Nora said. "Another one of those creepy looking animations."
"They look more like paper cutouts than animation," Pyrrha pointed out.
"That's basically how drawings looked back then," Ozpin informed.
The monk at the front of the line reached the edge of the vine, which ended with a diving board like plank.
"Heh heh heh! Away!" the monk hollered as he launched off the board.
The monk landed in a little pond below with a splash. The other monks followed suit.
"You think those monks are taking flaggelance a little too far?" Port asked Oobleck.
"Absolutely," Oobleck answered with a sip of coffee.
One of the monks overshot the pond, bounced off a branch, and landed atop a giant letter 'N'. There sat a priest who was chastising an unruly boy hanging from a tree branch.
The flying monk knocked away the boy, spun around the branch until he stopped hanging upside down. His robes slid down, exposing his buttocks.
"Ohhh," the priest said admiringly.
A few laughs and groans echoed from the audience.
"Seriously?" Jaune said with a chuckle.
"Ugh," Weiss and Coco groaned.
"These animations are so uncouth," Glynda said with disapproval.
"The Tale of Sir Neptune," the narrator announced.
"My time to shine," Neptune said eagerly.
"This should be good," Sun said with a smirk.
Cut to a soaked and tired Neptune struggling through a dark forest on a gloomy evening during a thunderstorm. Fog seeped up from the ground as he struggled onward.
"Looking pretty haggard there," Coco commented with concern.
"Man. Being a knight is tough work," Neptune said, sipping a soda.
"Hopefully he'll be able to find shelter for the night," Weiss said.
Suddenly, Neptune looked upwards and spotted the dark silhouette of a castle. Atop it was the Holy Grail shining like a beacon of hope. An angelic chorus echoed as Neptune gazed in awe at the Grail.
"Well, look at that," Qrow said, impressed by Neptune's luck.
"He found the Grail!" Ruby cheered.
"Good job, bro," Sun congratulated his partner.
Having finally found his quarry, Neptune limped towards the castle just as it began to rain. He reached the front gate and knocked heavily.
"Open the door! Open the door!" Neptune cried.
There was no answer.
"If he doesn't get inside, he may not last the night, let alone obtain the Grail," Winter said.
"Indeed, Specialist Schnee. Too much exposure to rain could cause many health issues," Penny added.
"In the name of King James, open the door!" Neptune demanded as he pounded on the door.
The door swung open from the force of Neptune's rapping. He collapsed inside and panted with exhaustion. The door slammed shut behind him by itself, much to his surprise.
"Hello," a group of female voices echoed.
Ruby tilted her head. "One of those voices sounds familiar?"
"Very familiar," Blake added, her cat ears twitching in recognition.
Neptune looked up and spotted a group of beautiful maidens. One of them had white hair tied into a ponytail. She wore glittering white robes and held a torch in her right hand.
"Welcome, gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!" Weiss greeted.
"Weiss?" Ruby, Yang, and Blake said together.
Neptune grinned from ear to ear. "I'm liking this already," he said as he ogled the girls onscreen.
Weiss shot a glare at Neptune with a scoff while Sun rolled his eyes.
"The Castle Anthrax?" Neptune questioned.
"Yes...It's not a very good name, is it?" she said before brightening up. "Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every, every need!"
"Wasn't Anthrax a man-made virus that Merlot cooked up?" Glynda whispered inquisitively to Ozpin.
Ozpin frowned and nodded in confirmation.
"You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?" Neptune asked, confused.
"The what?" Weiss asked.
"The Grail. It is here?" Neptune questioned.
"How could they fail to spot that big, glowing, grail on top of their castle?" Ruby asked.
"Good question, Ms. Rose," Oobleck replied.
"Hmmm. Something's not right here," Ren said suspiciously.
"Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest a while!" Weiss insisted, ignoring Neptune's question. "Robyn! Ciel!"
Two girls in the background eagerly answered Weiss' beckoning.
"Yes, Weiss!" They said together.
"Prepare a bed for our guest," Weiss instructed.
"Yes, Weiss. Thank you, Weiss! Thank you! Thank you!" The girls said
"I think I'm going to like it here," Neptune said.
"Away, Away, vile essence!" Weiss shooed the two girls away.
Weiss helped Neptune to his feet.
"Beds here are warm and soft. And very, very big," Weiss said suggestively.
Neptune blushed a bit at that. "Oh my," he said in a low voice.
"Weiss, you little, flirt" Yang teased.
"Quiet, you brute!" the heiress hissed.
"Well, look, I...I, uh-" Neptune said nervously.
"What is your name, handsome knight?" Weiss asked.
"Sir Neptune... the Chaste," he answered.
"I thought it was Neptune the Pure," Penny said.
"Not for long, by the looks of it," Velvet giggled.
"Some vows can't be kept," Neptune reasoned.
"Mine is Weiss. Just, Weiss," she introduced, leaning in towards Neptune. "Oh, but come!"
Weiss took Neptune by the shoulder as she led him upstairs.
"No, please! In the God of Light's name, show me the Grail!" Neptune begged.
"Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious!" Weiss insisted.
"No, look, I have seen it! It is here," Neptune said urgently.
Neptune tried to walk away but Weiss reeled him back in by the arm.
"Sir Neptune! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality!" Weiss reprimanded.
Neptune paused. "Well, I—I-uh..." he stuttered as he looked down at his feet.
"She's guilt tripping him into staying," Ren pointed out.
"Classic tactic for women," Qrow sighed as he sipped his flask.
"I should know. I've got seven sisters," Jaune said with a chuckle.
"Oh, I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours," Weiss said as she and Neptune continued upstairs. "We are but eight-score young blondes and brunettes. All between sixteen and 19-and-a-half. Cut off in this castle with no one to protect us!"
"Eight-score? That would equal 160 women," Oobleck deducted.
Qrow whistled. "Lucky bastard," he said with a hint of envy.
"So, I take it they haven't seen a man in years," Port assumed.
"Oh... it is a lonely life," Weiss lamented as she set her torch onto a sconce. "Bathing, dressing, undressing... knitting exciting underwear."
A few male audience members shuffled in their seats as Weiss went on.
"It's like every man's dream," Neptune whispered.
Weiss led Neptune through a door to a bed chamber.
"We are just not used to handsome knights," Weiss finished.
Weiss led Neptune to a bed. He tried to pull away, but Weiss wouldn't let up.
"Nay, nay, come, come! You may lie here," Weiss said as she pushed Neptune onto the bed.
"Seducing a Knight? Has she no shame?" Glynda said angrily.
Weiss noticed blood on Neptune's armor.
"Oh! But you are wounded!" she said as she reached for examination.
"No, no…i-it's nothing!" Neptune said, brushing Weiss' hand away.
"Oh, you must see the doctors immediately!"
Neptune tried to get out of bed but Weiss was persistent in keeping him there.
"No, no, please! Lie down," Weiss insisted.
Weiss clapped her hands twice, summoning two twin girls with black hair.
"Melanie and Militia?" Yang identified the twins.
"Didn't you hit on them once?" Sun asked his partner.
Neptune scratched the back of his head. "Well...yes," he admitted.
"Well, what seems to be the trouble?" Melanie asked Weiss.
"They're doctors?" Neptune asked incredulously.
"Uh... they have a basic medical training, yes," Weiss answered awkwardly.
"I doubt that very much," Oobleck said flatly.
Neptune once again tried to get up and leave. Weiss pushed him back down on the bed, t roughly.
"Oh, come, come," Weiss said. "You must try to rest."
"Doctor Melanie, Doctor Militia, practice your art.
The two girls sat on the bed and took away Neptune's shield. He warily eyed the twins. Melanie reached over and began to undue Neptune's belt buckle.
Some of the male audience members leered with envy at the screen.
Neptune shrugged. "What can I say?" he said with a smirk.
"That's it!" Yang shouted as she covered Ruby's eyes.
"Really, sis?" Ruby grumbled.
"Try to relax," Militia soothed.
"Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?" Neptune asked.
"We must examine you," Melanie implored as she lifted the flap of Neptune's surcoat.
"There's nothing wrong with that!" Neptune babbled as he set the flap back down.
"Gold-Sith," Glynda said sternly. "For the sake of the students, this better not become sexually graphic."
"Indeed. Ms. Rose in particular shouldn't be watching such material," Ozpin chimed in.
"Nothing explicit will be shown. You have my word."
Yang sighed with relief and uncovered Ruby's eyes.
"Please, we are doctors," Militia said with irritation.
They proceeded with the examination until Neptune lost his nerve. He grabbed his shield and leaped out of bed.
"Agh! That cannot be! I am sworn to Chastity!" Neptune cried.
"Oh, come on! You can't be serious!" Neptune shouted at his counterpart.
"Honestly, even if the Grail isn't there. All those girls make it worth it," Jaune said.
Weiss, Yang, and Coco all rolled their eyes.
"Boys..." they thought with exasperation.
"Back to your bed at once!" Melanie ordered.
"Torment me no longer! I have seen the Grail!" Neptune said accusingly.
"There's no grail here," Militia claimed.
"I have seen it! I have seen it!" Neptune retorted.
"I suspected as much when Weiss denied any knowledge," Penny said.
"Then why was it on top of the castle?" Ruby wondered aloud.
"Ren was right. Something is fishy here," Ironwood admitted.
Panicked, Neptune ran through a curtain into a neighboring room.
"I have—" he began.
"Hello," a sultry chorus of women said offscreen.
"Oh," Neptune said in a low voice.
"Now what?" Winter asked.
"More girls by the sound of it," Glynda guessed.
Neptune's eyes widened in surprise. The room he stumbled into was filled with beautiful young women wearing their nightgowns.
Soft, heavenly music played as Neptune walked slowly through the room, each girl he passed whispered "Hello." in a sultry tone.
Neptune was mesmerized. "It's like I died, went to Heaven, and found myself surrounded by angels," he said softly.
"Honestly, I give him props for lasting this long," Jaune complimented.
"His restraint is incredible," Ren added.
On the verge of giving in, Neptune fled towards a staircase. But another white-haired girl blocked his path.
"Weiss!" Neptune shouted.
"No, I am Weiss' sister, Winter," she corrected.
"Oh, no...no...no!" Winter groaned with facepalm. "Why do I have to be there?"
Qrow snickered with anticipation at how the scene would play out.
"Oh. Well, excuse me, I-," Neptune said as he tried to leave.
Winter blocked Neptune's path. "Where are you going?"
"I seek the Grail! I have seen it here! In this castle!" Neptune shouted.
"No... oh, no! Bad, bad Weiss!" Winter said, clasping her hands together.
Weiss blinked. "Huh?"
"What does she mean by that?" Penny asked.
"What is it?" Neptune asked.
"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Weiss! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which, I've just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem," Winter explained.
Coco pointed at the screen. "Ah-ha! So you were playing dumb the whole time," she accused.
"Setting a honey trap, Ice Queen?" Yang said, wiggling her eyebrows.
"Shut up!" Weiss screeched.
"It's not the real grail?!" Neptune asked in exasperation.
Winter gazed at the ceiling. "Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Weiss!" she scolded.
Weiss led Neptune him back into the room with all the other girls.
"She is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty!" Winter declared.
"What penalty?" Weiss questioned fearfully as she sipped a cup of tea.
Winter then looked into the camera. "Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when the boys were writing it, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think," she said as if addressing the audience.
Cut to the three headed giant in the forest.
"At least ours was better visually," Clover shot back.
"What the?" Coco said in confusion.
Cut to Vine and Fria lying in a field.
"Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes," Vine sneered.
A few audience members laughed at Vine's line.
"Nice comeback," Coco said.
Cut to Merlot sitting in front of a fire. He was blind and very disheveled.
"Get on with it!" he prodded.
Ozpin was taken aback. "Merlot?"
"What was wrong with his eyes? Was he blind?" Port questioned.
Cut to Ozpin with a long goatee and wearing a ram horned helmet.
"Yes, get on with it!" he prodded.
"Headmaster?" Glynda said in recognition.
Cut to an army of knights standing in a field.
"Yes! Get on with it!" they said in unison.
Qrow arched his brow. "And who are they supposed to be?" he questioned.
"There's a lot of fourth wall breaking in this film," Jaune noted.
"Is this even another universe, or some kind of parody?" Pyrrha asked in confusion.
"Both, actually," Gold-Sith answered.
"Oh, I am enjoying this scene," Winter said with glee.
Cut to the God of Light peering out from the sky.
"Get on with it!" he thundered.
"Even the God of Light is growing impatient," Port guffawed.
Winter sighed and continued. "She must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon: You must tie her down on a bed, and spank her."
"A spanking, a spanking!" the other girls chorused in agreement.
"What?!" Winter yelled furiously as she shot Neptune a murderous glare.
Weiss spat out her tea and blushed as red as Ruby's cloak while Neptune whimpered beneath Winter's gaze.
Yang, Nora, and Coco all laughed.
"You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like. And then...spank me!"
"And spank me!" Winter said ecstatically.
"And me!" the other girls joined in one by one with delight.
Winter began to tremble with rage and embarrassment. "Neptune! I swear by the Brother Gods! If you lay one finger on me or my sister!" she threatened.
Neptune raised his hands. "It's not me! It's not me!" he cried in defensive panic.
"Even so, you're on very thin ice right now!" Weiss shouted.
"Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!" Winter said.
"A spanking, a spanking, there's going to be a spanking tonight!" the girls said delightedly.
"...and after the spanking... the oral sex!" Winter added in jubilation.
"The oral sex, the oral sex!"
At this point Weiss and Winter wanted to die as they hid their faces in embarrassment.
"This can not be happening," Weiss whined.
Neptune broke into a cold sweat, dreading the Schnee sister's wrath.
Neptune finally gave in. "Well, I could stay a bit longer," he complied.
Sun rolled his eyes. "So much for the vow of chastity," he said.
Weiss and Winter stood up, their gazes fixed viscously on Neptune.
"Oh, come one! That's not the real me! Besides, no straight man on Remnant could resist that!" Neptune cried out.
"Weiss. Winter. Please calm down," Gold-Sith beseeched. "I assure you, nothing will happen."
Suddenly, Sir Ozma and two other nondescript knights barged into the room with their swords drawn.
"Sir Neptune!" Ozma shouted.
"Oh, hello..." Neptune said simply.
"Quick!" Ozma ordered.
"What?" Neptune said in confusion.
"Quick!" Ozma as he grabbed Neptune by the arm.
"There. You see?" Gold-Sith said.
Weiss and Winter simmered down and sat back in their seats.
"Thank the brothers they arrived," Winter sighed as she and Weiss sat back down.
Neptune took a deep breath and exhaled in relief. Though he was still bummed by the interruption.
"Why?" Neptune asked.
"You are in great peril!" Ozma claimed.
No, he isn't!" Winter denied.
Ozma rounded on Winter. "Silence, foul temptresses!" he snapped.
"Hey!" Weiss shouted in defense of her sister.
"Well... he's not wrong," Qrow said with a shrug.
"Quiet, you drunk!" Winter yelled.
"Hey look, she's got the point..." Neptune reasoned.
"Come on, we must cover your escape!" Ozma declared.
"Look, I'm fine!" Neptune insisted.
"Cockblocker," Neptune said under his breath.
"Tough break, partner," Sun said to Neptune, patting him on the shoulder.
Ozma dragged Neptune down a nearby hallway. "Come on!"
"Sir Neptune?"
"Look, I can tackle this lot singlehanded," Neptune claimed.
"Yes, let him tackle us singlehanded!" Winter pleaded.
"Yes, yes! Singlehanded!" the other girls chorused in agreement.
"Are they really that desperate?" Yang questioned.
"It must have been a long time since they've been with a man," Velvet presumed.
"Damn. That's tough," Coco said sympathetically.
"No, Sir Neptune. Come!" Ozma ordered as he continued dragging the young knight out.
"No really, honestly, I can cope," Neptune insisted. "I can handle this lot easily."
"Oh, Yes, let him handle us easily," Winter agreed.
"Yes, yes..." the other girls chorused.
"They just won't let up, will they?" Glynda asked, appalled by the promiscuity of the women.
"Please, please. I can defeat them; there's only a hundred and fifty of them!" Neptune said as he was dragged out the door.
"Yes, yes, he'll beat us easily! We haven't a chance!"
"No, we haven't a chance! We haven't a chance!" the other girls chorused.
The door slammed behind the fleeing knights.
"Oh, shit," Winter hissed in disappointment.
"Well, that was a waste of time," Ironwood said, irritated that the Holy Grail remained undiscovered.
Outside, Ozma and the other two knights pushed Neptune away from Castle Anthrax.
"We were in the nick of time; you were in great peril!" Ozma claimed.
"I don't think I was," Neptune refuted.
"Yes you were, you were in terrible peril," Ozma said
"Why would Ozma think he was in danger?" Velvet wondered, eating a slice of carrot cake.
"Death by snu-snu, perhaps?" Coco said, eliciting a laughter from the audience.
"Look. Let me go back in there and face the peril," Neptune implored.
"No, it's too perilous," Ozma refused.
"But my duty as a knight is to stop as much peril as I can."
"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on."
"Sir Ozma is right. They have a job to do," Port reminded.
"It seems Ozma is the most professional of Ironwood's knights," Weiss guessed.
"Or at least the bravest," Blake added, referring to Ozma's title.
The knights departed from Castle Anthrax.
"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?" Neptune begged.
"No! It's unhealthy," Ozma refused again.
"I bet you're gay!" Neptune grumbled.
"No, I'm not!" Ozma said indignantly.
A round of laughter rang out from the last line.
Cut to the book. A photo showing Ozma dragging Neptune away from Castle Anthrax was shown, as was the writing: "Sir Ozma saves Sir Neptune from almost certain temptation".
"Sir Ozma had saved Sir Neptune from almost certain temptation," the narrator recounted. "But they were still no nearer the grail."
The gorilla hand turned to the next page. The writing "Scene 24" and a picture of Ironwood and Oobleck standing by a ruined house on a rocky hill was shown.
"Meanwhile, King James and Sir Oobleck, not more than a swallow's flight away, had discovered something," the narrator continued. "Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away."
Half the audience laughed at the narrator's ramblings on swallows while the other half groaned impatiently.
"Again, with the swallows," Nora giggled.
"Four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging-"
Cut to another shot of the army of knights.
"Get on with it!" they demanded angrily.
"Get on with it!" Ironwood, Winter, and Glynda shouted impatiently.
"Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which is a smashing scene with some lovely acting, in which King James discovers a vital clue, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-"
Suddenly, there was a heavy thud.
"Oooh!" the narrator groaned in pain.
"Did the narrator just get killed?" Blake asked.
"It wouldn't be the weirdest thing in this film so far," Ren replied.
"Well, he should have got on with it," Qrow said.
Cut to Ironwood and Oobleck sitting inside a ramshackle hut. Sitting before them was Merlot, cackling madly.
"And this enchanter of whom you speak? He has seen the Grail?" Ironwood inquired.
Merlot simply continued cackling.
Ruby shuddered. "That cackling is really creepy," she remarked.
"So is his face," Yang added with an unnerved look.
"Where does he live?" Ironwood asked Merlot. "Old man. Where does he live?"
"He knows of a cave," Merlot answered. "A cave which no man has entered."
"And the Grail?" Ironwood asked. "The Grail is there?"
"There is much danger," Merlot warned. "For beyond the cave, lies the Gorge of Eternal Peril. Which no man has ever crossed."
"That definitely sounds bad," Jaune said.
"But the Grail!" Ironwood said impatiently. "Where. is. the Grail?"
"Seek you the Bridge of Death," Merlot instructed.
Ironwood and Oobleck exchanged frightened glances.
"Their quest to find the Grail is certainly becoming more dangerous," Port commented.
"The Bridge of Death which leads to the Grail?" Ironwood inquired.
Merlot just burst out laughing maniacally as he vanished into thin air.
Everyone was taken aback by Merlot disappearing.
"What the?" Yang muttered.
"Is he a wizard?" Penny wondered.
Ironwood and Oobleck were suddenly teleported to a ghastly looking forest while Merlot's cackles slowly faded away. Birds cawed loudly and there was a thick fog all around.
"I suppose he was some sort of magic user," Ozpin assumed.
"That forest is even creepier!" Ruby said with a shiver.
The Atlesians cautiously trekked through the murky woods as low, foreboding music played.
Ironwood spotted a humanoid shape lurking in the gloom. The music began to pick up.
Everyone began to tense up as the scene dragged on.
"I thought this was comedy, not horror," Nora said warily.
Ironwood spotted another shape. This time he could make out a cloak and horns on the figures head. The Atlesian king looked on the verge of panic as he spotted more and more horned figures appear. They seemed to be moving towards him.
"What the hell are those things?" Neptune said.
"With those horns... they must be monsters of some kind," Port assumed.
"Let's hope Jimmy and Oobleck can handle them," Qrow said with genuine concern.
Finally, the Atlesians stopped and looked up to see a gigantic, mustached knight wearing a great helm with deer antlers looming over them.
"Ni!" the towering knight said in a familiar voice.
"Well, there's Watts again," Ironwood said bitterly.
"He looks rather comical in that helmet," Winter noted with a smirk.
"What was that he said? Ni?" Jaune asked in puzzlement.
The camera zoomed out to reveal several smaller knights with sallet helmets with cow horns.
"Ni! Ni! Ni!" the smaller knights parroted their leader.
"Who are you?!" Ironwood asked in alarm.
"We are the knights who say Ni!" Watts answered.
"No! Not the knights who say Ni," Ironwood said, his voice wavering.
"The same," Watts confirmed.
"It looks like the Knights of Ni are a fearsome group," Oobleck noted.
"They must be if Ironwood is afraid of them," Pyrrha added.
"Who are they?" Oobleck asked.
"We are the keepers of the sacred words: ni, peng, and nee-wom," Watts replied.
"Nee-wom," the smaller knights whooped.
"Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale," Ironwood whispered to Oobleck.
"I don't get it. What's so terrible about the word Ni?" Yang asked as she ate a handful of popcorn.
"It could be some kind of incantation that causes pain," Ozpin theorized while sipping his coffee.
"Hmmm," Nora hummed as she scratched her chin with a cheeky grin.
"The knights who say Ni demand a sacrifice," Watts proclaimed.
"Knights of Ni. We are but simple travelers who seek the enchanter who lives beyond these woods," Ironwood explained hurriedly.
"Ni!" Watts shouted viscously.
The other knights of Ni joined in while the Atlesians all recoiled, as if in pain and terror.
"Ni," Nora chirped at Ren.
Ren shot Nora a deadpanned look. "Very funny, Nora," he said, but couldn't resist smiling.
"That's not frightening, just annoying," Glynda said.
"And hilarious," Qrow added with a grin.
Watts held up his hand, silencing the other knights of Ni.
"We shall say Ni again to you, if you do not appease us," Watts threatened, crossing his arms.
"Well, what do you want?" Ironwood asked submissively.
"We want...
There was a pregnant pause.
Everyone leaned in with anticipation, expecting something awful.
"...a shrubbery!"
There was a dramatic chord.
Ironwood looked perplexed. "A what?"
Nearly the entire audience burst out laughing at Watts' unexpected demand.
"A shrubbery?" Winter said in bewilderment.
"Why on Remnant would they want that?" Ironwood questioned.
The Knights of Ni angrily shouted "Ni" again, causing the Atlesians more agony as they shrunk back.
This time Ruby, Yang, Nora, and Coco all joined in, happily shouting Ni.
"Students! That's enough!" Glynda scolded the girls, silencing them.
"Please! Please! No more!" Ironwood begged. "We will find you a shrubbery."
"You must return here with a shrubbery, or else you will never pass through this wood alive!" Watts declared.
"Oh, knights of ni. You are just and fair. And we will return with a shrubbery," Ironwood complied.
"Well, that doesn't sound too difficult," Ren said.
"Yeah. How hard should it be to get a shrubbery?" Coco added.
"One that looks nice," Watts requested.
"Of course," Ironwood replied.
"And not too expensive."
"Yes!"
"Now...go!" Watts ordered, pointing dramatically.
Author's Note: I'll be making preparations for the next adaptation. This time it'll be an animated film, or at least partially animated. I've already collected quite a number of recommendations in this category and I've decided which films will be open to a vote. I'll be starting a poll tonight on my profile.
Also, 'Die Hard' part 1 and 2 have been modified and posted here and on AOOO tomorrow. Check them out if you wish.
Stay tuned and get those votes in, folks.