Author's Note: For the time being, I'll need to update every two weeks. I've been hit with extra time at my job, so I don't have as much free time as I used to. Sorry for the delay folks, but I have to focus on my priorities.
Inspiration: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" is the property of director Robert Zemeckis and production companies Touchstone Pictures, Amblin Entertainment, and Silver Screen Partners and distributed by Buena Vista Pictures.
Qrow and Ironwood arrived at the Port factory in a sedan.
"There's no way Ozpin could be a murderer," Nora denied while shaking her head.
Jaune's eyes widened. "Wait a second... the title screen specifically read "Who Framed Ozpin Rabbit", remember?" he reminded.
"Oh, yeah. That's right!" Ruby beamed, relieved that Ozpin's innocence was a foregone conclusion.
"But then who did it?" Ren wondered aloud while sipping a cup of tea.
They climbed out and Ironwood made his way towards the factory but Qrow hesitated and stared at Toontown in the distance, separated from Vale by a wall.
"What now?" Ironwood asked impatiently.
"It's just I haven't been this close to Toontown for a while," Qrow said uneasily.
"Maybe that's where Raven was killed," Taiyang guessed.
"It would explain why he didn't want to go there earlier,"
A toon sailed over the wall, trailing fire and smoke behind him. It was a short, man with light brown hair, a thick handlebar mustache and a cowboy hat.
"That's one of Raven's goons," Yang pointed out, remembering the thrashing she gave him.
Shay D. Mann bounced to a halt in front of the two detectives.
"Ooh! Eee! Ow!" Shay babbled in pain as he tried to smack out the fire. "My briskets are burning! Fire in the hatch! Ow! Ooh! Great horny toads, that smarts!"
Yang and Taiyang snickered at the mention of "horny toads".
Finally, Sam sat at in a puddle, extinguishing the fire with a hiss. He sighed heavily in relief.
"Come on, Qrow. Let's get this over with," Ironwood urged as he guided Qrow into the factory.
The two men entered the factory through a smaller door built into the gate.
"He's with me," Ironwood explained to the cop standing guard.
The factory was full of all kinds of Port novelty gags and props., such as
"It's like a pranksters dream come true," Nora said with stars in her eyes.
"I'd be a big buyer of Port products if the company was real," Yang said, smiling at the huge variety of products.
Weiss sighed. "Thank Oum it isn't," she muttered, imagining Ruby or Yang using such gags to prank her constantly.
Police officers and forensics were at work. One was taking witness statements from a pair of Port workers. Another was dusting down a desk for fingerprints.
In the center of the room was a large green safe partially imbedded at a weird angle into the floor. A forensics expert was snapping photographs of the safe. A chalk outline of a body with its head crushed beneath the safe had been drawn.
"That's a hell of a way to go," Ghira said with a slight wince.
"At least it was quick, judging from where it landed," Kali pointed out.
"Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head," Ironwood said, glancing at Qrow.
Qrow's face grimaced at Ironwood's words. He was reminded of Raven's death.
"Wow. Insensitive much, Jimmy?" Qrow chided.
"Sorry, Qrow," Ironwood apologized quickly. "Better wait here, all right?"
Ironwood waled off while Qrow looked up and spotted Glynda being questioned by the police in an office upstairs.
"How do you think Glynda is taking this?" Ruby asked as she munched on some strawberries.
"Not well at all, I imagine," Maria replied with a shake of her head. "Her husband is a murder suspect, and her alleged sugar daddy is dead."
Nearby, a couple of cops were playing with one of Port's products.
"Hey. Get a load of this!" a cop said while holding a black disk. "Seen one of these?"
The cop threw it on a wall and stuck his hand through it, eliciting laughter from the other cops.
"So unprofessional," Winter sighed.
"Oh, lighten up, Ice Queen. All work and no play makes you a dull boy," Qrow said, earning an annoyed look from Winter.
"Hey, Guys!" a voice hollered.
Qrow turned to see another detective holding a mallet. From it sprang a boxing glove connected to a retractable arm. It narrowly missed Valiant twice, knocking down some boxes behind him.
"Didn't you used to be Qrow Branwen? Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels?" the detective taunted with a laugh.
Qrow leered at the screen. "Well, screw you too, bright-eyes!" he shouted.
Ruby stuck her tongue at the screen. "Yeah, you jerk!" she added angrily.
"They could be more respectful for Raven's sake," Glynda said.
Ignoring the obnoxious detective, Qrow turned to a forensics worker picking at a smudge of yellow paint from the rope that dropped the safe.
"What's that?" Qrow asked.
"Paint from the rabbit's glove," the forensic replied.
"Whoever framed Ozpin did a good job," Ghira said as he munched on a tuna sandwich.
Oscar scratched his chin. "But who would want to frame him?" he wondered.
"Who knows? Maybe a rival toon jealous of all his success saw an opportunity," Maria theorized.
"Mr. Branwen," Glynda beckoned offscreen.
Qrow turned to see Glynda. She slapped him hard across the face.
"I hope you're proud of yourself, and those pictures you took!" she shouted before storming out, ignoring the wolf whistles the cops sent her way.
"Jeez, lady! I was just doing my job," Qrow defended.
"Even if it meant ruining a marriage?" Winter countered.
"Me?! She's the one who went behind Ozpin's back like a wh-" Qrow began before he was cut off by Glynda slamming her fist on her armrest.
"Enough!" she commanded loudly as she shot Qrow a dangerous look.
As Port's body was being wheeled away on a gurney, one of the men pushing it bumped into a wooden crate, knocking it over, and it burst open. From the crate, pairs of toon shoes and boots emerged.
In the ensuing confusion to get the shoes back into the box, Port's body was half knocked off the gurney and his arm slipped out from under the tarp covering him. A hand buzzer fell from his hand. Qrow noticed this and bent down to pick it up.
"Hopefully, Port's gag products won't be phased out of production," Taiyang said.
"Yeah. Imagine all the kids upset by a lack of hand-buzzers," Saphron agreed with a solemn nod.
As Qrow grabbed the hand buzzer, a walking stick jabbed into his hand, painfully pinning it to the ground.
"Ow!" Qrow winced and looked up, his eyes widening in alarm.
"Hey, what's the big idea?" Qrow complained.
Ominous music played as the camera panned up slowly to reveal a tall, slender man with brown hair glaring down at Qrow. He was dressed in a black trench coat over a matching suit and bow tie. A black fedora and rimless, yellow tinted sunglasses completed the gloomy outfit. His yellow eyes were almost hidden behind his shades.
"Tyrian Callows?" Qrow and Ruby said together in surprise.
"So, he's the one who attacked you at Oniyuri," Taiyang said with a protective glare.
"But what's he doing there?" Yang asked.
"Besides looking really creepy?" Nora said as she shuddered slightly at Tyrian's appearance.
Adrien whimpered softly at Tyrian onscreen and held Terra's hand for comfort.
Zwei whined and drooped his ears at the sight of Tyrian.
"Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime?" Judge Tyrian asked Ironwood.
"Er, no Judge Tyrian. Uh... Branwen here was just picking it up for you. Weren't you Qrow?" Ironwood said tentatively as he yanked Qrow to his feet.
"Tyrian Callows is a judge?!" Jaune said incredulously.
"Who in the right mind would allow him to take the bench?" Ren said, not wanting to even imagine the real Tyrian presiding over a courtroom.
Tyrian extended his hand. "Hand it over," he demanded.
"Sure," Qrow agreed simply.
Qrow grasped Tyrian's hand and there was a buzzing sound and Tyrian's body went rigid from the shock before withdrawing his hand.
"His number one seller," Qrow quipped.
The audience laughed or smiled at Tyrians expression.
"He's happy to lend you a hand," Taiyang joked, and the laughter changed to groans.
"Dad, you ruined it," Ruby scolded her father.
Tyrian smiled artificially. "I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you."
"I wasn't working for a toon. I was working for Jacques Schnee," Qrow corrected defensively.
"Yes. We talked to Mr. Schnee. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures," Tyrian said inquisitively. "The rabbit said one way or another he and his wife were going to be happy. Is that true?"
"Well, something along those lines," Qrow conceded.
"Since when does a judge partake in criminal investigations?" Weiss asked as she sipped a cup of lemon water.
"It could be a special case since it involves toons," Winter guessed.
"Hey, pal. Do I look like a stenographer?" Qrow answered.
"Shut your yap, Qrow. The man's in a judge," Ironwood scolded.
"That's alright, lieutenant," Tyrian assured. "From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze, talking."
Qrow glared at Tyrian for the remark.
Qrow scoffed. "At least I'm not dressed in funeral clothes," he shot back as he took a sip from his flask.
"No matter. The rabbit won't get far. My men will find him," Tyrian said, looking at the warehouse door.
The warehouse doors swung open as a black van barreled inside, narrowly missing police officers as it drove along. It fishtailed and crashed into a pile of boxes before screeching to a stop.
"Who the hell is driving that van?!" Ghira asked angrily.
"They almost ran over their fellow officers," Kali added.
"Weasels?" Qrow asked in surprise.
"Yes. I find they have a special gift for the work," Tyrian said.
The van's backdoor opened to reveal a crew of toon weasels. Three of them were dressed formally in suits, but one of them, Stupid, was childishly dressed in a blue-striped shirt and propeller hat, while the other, Psycho, wore a straitjacket.
"Alright ya mugs, fall out," the lead weasel, Smart-Ass, ordered his crew.
"Using Toons to apprehend a Toon?" Terra said curiously while Adrien stared nervously at the weasels onscreen.
"I suppose it takes one to catch one," Saphron guessed with a shrug as she ate from a bag of candy.
"One of them looks like he belongs in a nuthouse," Kali pointed out, referring to Psycho.
"Did you find the rabbit?" Tyrian asked offscreen.
"Don't worry Judge. We got "deformants" all over the city. We'll find him," Smart-Ass assured with a toothy grin, while the other weasels giggled behind him.
"Doesn't he mean informants?" Oscar corrected.
"Indeed. They're not the sharpest knives in the drawer I take it," Ozpin commented.
"You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be Mr. Branwen?" Tyrian asked as he turned back to Qrow.
Qrow shrugged. "Have you tried Patch? I hear Menagerie's very nice this time of the year," he joked.
Ironwood frowned and nudged Qrow to shut him up.
"He's not afraid to get cheeky with his superiors," Glynda noted with a frown.
"Just like the real Qrow," Taiyang added with a hint of admiration.
"I honestly don't see much difference between you and your counterpart," Winter said to Qrow, the latter shrugging in response.
"I'm surprised you're not more cooperative Mr. Branwen," Tyrian said as he approached Qrow, getting dangerously close. "A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that?"
"I hate to admit it, but he has a point," Winter said reluctantly.
Weiss blinked at her sister. "What do you mean?" she asked.
"Just think about it. Toons are indestructible. Imagine someone like that being a cold-blooded killer," Winter explained as she sipped a glass of water.
A cold chill ran through the audience as Winter's words sank in.
"Perhaps not on Salem's level...but it is an unsettling thought," Ozpin said internally.
A high squeaking sound could be heard. Tyrian felt something rubbing at his shoe and looked down to see a lone red toon shoe the cops failed to catch.
"Awwwww," Saphron, Ruby, and Terra all squealed together.
"Look at the cute little shoe," Weiss cooed with a hand to her cheek.
"It wants to be friends with Tyrian of all people," Nora said with a smile.
Adrien smiled at the screen and giggled at the little squeaking sounds the toon shoe made.
Tyrian sighed and removed a long, rubber glove from his pocket and slipped it onto his right arm.
"Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction my goal has been to reign in the insanity. And the only way to do that is to make Toons respect the law," Tyrian explained, empathizing his point by snapping the glove onto his arm.
Tyrian picked up the toon shoe. Shaking his head in disgust, he carried it toward the van.
Blake quirked her brow. "What's the rubber glove for?" she asked.
"He probably doesn't want to touch toons with his good gloves out of disgust towards them," Weiss presumed.
"Reminds me of racists against Faunus who behave the same way," Ghira recalled bitterly.
"But what's he going to do with the shoe?" Ruby asked with concern.
"How did that gargoyle get to be a Judge?" Qrow whispered to Ironwood once Tyrian was out of earshot.
"He spread a bunch of Lien around Toontown a couple of years back. Bought the election," Ironwood explained.
"So that's how he took the bench," Taiyang realized.
"Same thing for half the Atlesian council," Winter said with disappointment.
"Money buys you everything," Qrow sighed.
"Yeah? What's that?" Qrow asked, gesturing towards Tyrian.
Inside the van was a metal drum barrel. With his free hand, Tyrian wrenched off the lid to reveal a smoldering, green liquid inside.
"Ew. What's that stuff?" Ruby said.
"It can't be good, whatever it is," Yang said.
"Remember how we always thought there wasn't a way to kill a Toon?" Ironwood asked Qrow offscreen.
"Mm-hmm," Qrow replied.
"Well Tyrian found a way. Turpentine, Acetone, and Benzene. He calls it the Dip," Ironwood informed Qrow.
A few horrified gasps emanated from the audience, most notably Ruby and Nora. Everyone else's eyes widened in disbelief.
"Kill a toon?!" Nora whispered in terror.
"What kind of monster would want to do that?!" Ruby asked, shaking her head in bewilderment.
"Wait...he's not going to kill that poor little shoe, is he?" Weiss fretted.
Adrien stopped smiling, sensing something was wrong from the way the adults were talking.
Tyrian held the shoe over the Dip.
"I'll catch the rabbit Mr. Branwen. Then I'll try him, convict him, and execute him," Tyrian proclaimed.
The shoe whimpered pitiably as Tyrian slowly dipped it into the liquid, a splotch of red paint forming beneath it as it was dissolved. White smoke rose up from the barrel.
Adrien let out a tearful wail, putting his little hands to eyes. Saphron and Terra quickly comforted their son.
Jaune scowled at the screen, angered by the shoes death and the fact it upset his nephew.
Ruby and Nora both began crying as well while Yang and Ren respectively consoled them.
"That sick bastard!" Taiyang snarled with his fists clenched.
Weiss put a hand over her mouth. "That beast," she said shakily as tears brimmed in her eyes.
Zwei whined in sorrow while Taiyang patted his head in comfort.
Everyone else either cringed or gaped in horror as the innocent Toon was murdered.
Ironwood couldn't bear to watch and turned away from the terrible scene.
"Monty!" Qrow muttered in wide-eyed shock.
"I might hate toons... but not that much," Qrow voiced his counterparts' thoughts.
Tyrian gazed back at Qrow detectives as wisps of smoke rose around him. A blood chilling smile was on his face.
Ruby sniffed. "How could he do such a thing?" she whispered as a she wiped her eyes.
"He's even worse than the real Tyrian!" Nora declared while accepting a tissue from Ren to blow her nose.
"It didn't even do anything wrong!" Weiss added with outrage.
One of the weasels, Psycho, laughed maniacally offscreen.
"Heh! That's one dead shoe, eh boss?" Greasy said, mocking the dipped shoe.
Tyrian removed his gloved hand from the dip, now coated in red paint. "They're not kid gloves Mr. Valiant. But this is how we handle things down in Toontown," he declared.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Kali asked worriedly.
"I hope I'm wrong, but he could be implying that wasn't the first toon he's dipped," Maria guessed angrily.
"So, he's made himself judge, jury, and executioner," Glynda said with a scowl, appalled by such a thing.
Tyrian approached Qrow. "I'd think you of all people would appreciate that," he said, flexing his gloved, paint covered fingers while Qrow gazed at him speechlessly.
Ren studied Judge Tyrian onscreen. "They're something very... off about that guy," he noted grimly.
"Besides been a toon murdering bastard?" Nora snarled.
"I mean, he seems...not quite normal," Ren rephrased.
"Mr. Ren is correct. I feel there's more to Judge Tyrian than meets the eye," Ozpin agreed.
Qrow returned to his office and in front of his office door, he spotted a pink haired woman dressed in a black blouse and white shorts. She was bending over a baby carriage.
"Looks like Neo is here too," Weiss pointed out.
"Well, that's a first," Yang said, still a bit irked over her defeat on the train in Vale.
Qrow stood there for a moment, ogling Neo's legs but then she took out a lighter, lit it, and held it at carriage.
"Hey, hey, hey, hey!" Qrow rambled as he rushed over to Neo. "Wait a minute! Hey, hey!"
Neo turned to face Branwen, revealing Baby Roman was in the stroller. He puffed out some smoke from his cigar.
"What's he doing there?" Oscar asked aloud.
"Maybe to talk about Port's murder," Ozpin assumed.
"I've been trying to make him quit, but he just won't listen to me," Neo explained with a sigh.
Everyone familiar with Neo recoiled in surprise.
"She can talk in this universe?" Yang asked.
"I didn't see that coming," Ruby added while munching on some strawberries.
"What do you know you dumb broad? You got the I.Q. of a rattle," Roman retorted.
Neo ignored Roman and pulled a blanket over him.
"So... is she his girlfriend or nursemaid," Saphron asked awkwardly.
"Hopefully the latter," Terra said, gagging at the thought of a grown woman having a relationship with a baby, even if Roman was a Toon.
"You Branwen?" Roman asked Qrow.
"Yeah," Qrow confirmed.
"I want to talk to you about the Port murder," Roman requested before beckoned to Neo. "Hey. Psst. Doll. Why don't you run downstairs and get me a racing form?"
Roman smacked Neo on her backside to hurry her along.
"O.K. O.K. I'm going!" Neo grumbled as she stormed off.
"Little pervert!" Weiss hissed at the screen.
"He's only a baby, Weiss," Ruby reminded, before blinking in surprise that she just defended Roman Torchwick.
"But he has the mind of a grown man from the looks of it," Winter countered, also scowling at Roman's sexual harassment.
"The lady's man huh?" Qrow remarked.
"My problem is, I've got a 50-year-old lust and a 3-year-old dinky," Roman lamented as he pointed downwards.
"Yeah. Must be tough," Qrow said.
Ruby, Jaune, and Nora all snorted with amusement at the mention of "dinky".
"So, he's been a toon for over fifty-three years but doesn't age?" Glynda said quizzically.
"Jeez. That must be tough," Taiyang said sympathetically.
"Look, Branwen. The rabbit didn't kill Port," Roman defended Ozpin. "He's not a murderer. I should know. He's a dear friend of mine. I tell you, Branwen, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers."
"We both know that stink only too well," Saphron whispered to Terra while looking down at Adrien.
Terra giggled while Adrien glanced up curiously.
"So, Roman cares for Ozpin after all," Ruby said, surprised this version of Roman wasn't a total scumbag.
"And he believes he's innocent," Yang added while eating some popcorn.
Roman handed Qrow a newspaper. "Look at this. The paper says Port left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every toon knows Port had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us Toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off!"
"Has anybody ever seen this will?" Qrow inquired as he examined the newspaper.
"Ah, no. But he gave us his solemn oath," Roman replied.
"And the plot thickens," Jaune noted.
"If what Roman says is true, someone wants Port's will and Ozpin was a convenient fall guy," Ghira surmised.
"If you believe that that joker could do anything solid, the gags on you pal!" Qrow said skeptically, as he rotated Roman's carriage and moved to his office door.
"I just figured since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out. I can pay ya," Roman offered.
"Not gonna happen. I won't work for toons anymore," Qrow said while shaking his head.
Qrow glowered at Roman. "Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes!" he said angrily as he shoved the baby carriage down the hall.
"Wait, no! Valiant, don't!" Roman cried as he rolled backwards.
"Really, Qrow? Pushing a baby in a carriage!" Glynda reprimanded.
"Oh, he'll be fine. He's a Toon after all," Qrow brushed off.
The stroller slammed into Neo just as she was returning causing Baby Roman to drop his cigar, which fell onto the floor.
"Oh! My stogie!" Roman cried before breaking into a sobbing fit. "Waaaaahhh!"
Everybody laughed as Roman cried since he was using his adult voice.
"Poor little guy," Terra said with a bit of pity.
"Even at fifty-three, he still acts like a baby to some extent," Maria noted.
"So he's literally a big baby," Yang giggled.
Branwen grinned at the bawling Roman before entering his office.
Qrow set the newspaper down at his desk. The frontpage read "TOON KILLS MAN. PETER PORT MURDERED AT THE HANDS OF JEALOUS RABBIT."
Qrow sat down at his desk and poured himself a glass of whiskey.
"It ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble," Qrow grumbled as he gulped down his drink. "All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures."
"Exactly. A man's gotta make a living," Qrow agreed with his counterpart.
"Except Ozpin didn't do it," Ruby reminded.
"Even so, my counterpart wants nothing to do with any crazy toons," Qrow retorted.
Qrow placed the glass atop the newspaper paper and began to remove his holster.
Then, as he bent over his desk, he spotted something in the picture of Port and Glynda he took the night before. There was something in Port's pocket that was magnified by the glass he placed on top of it.
Qrow opened a bag and took out his magnifying glass to get a closer look at the newspaper. In Port's pocket was an envelope with the words 'Last Will and Testament' written on it.
"Well, look at that. Port did have a will," Maria pointed out.
"So Roman was actually telling the truth," Glynda added.
"Looks like you may have been right, dad," Blake said to Ghira.
"The baby was right!" Qrow said in realization, then contemplated whether or not to get involved. "The hell with it."
Rubbing his face in aggravation, Qrow walked across his office to a stack of drawers which he pulled to reveal a fold up bed.
"What?! He's just going to let Tyrian hunt down Ozpin?" Nora said with outrage.
"How could you, Uncle Qrow?" Ruby chided with a pout.
Qrow shrugged. "Sorry, kiddo. I guess after what happened to Raven, I don't want to get mixed up in another Toon case," he reasoned.
He got in to take a nap and rolled over to come face to face with Ozpin Rabbit. Qrow and Ozpin both screamed in alarm and leaped out of the bed.
"Whoa!" Jaune and Oscar yelped in surprise.
"How did he get in there?" Ren questioned.
"Maybe he used one of Port's black hole props," Nora guessed as she ate a mini-pancake snack.
"How the hell did you get in here?" Qrow asked, aghast.
"Through the mail slot," Ozpin answered nervously. "I thought it would be best if I waited inside, seeing how I'm wanted for murder."
"No kidding! Just talking to you could get me a rap for aiding and abetting," Qrow fretted.
"Oh, great. Now he's going to rope me into another toon case," Qrow predicted with a groan.
"But why go to your place?" Taiyang asked curiously.
"Wait a minute. Anybody know you're here?" Qrow asked cautiously.
"Nobody," Ozpin replied as he hopped back onto the bed. "Not a soul. Except er..."
"Who?" Qrow growled.
"Well, you see, I didn't know where your address was. So, I asked the newsboy. He didn't know. So, I asked the fireman, the greengrocer, the butcher, the baker. They didn't know! But the liquor store guy. He knew."
Qrow facepalmed. "Oh no..." he groaned, realizing the cat (or rather the rabbit) was already out of the bag.
"Of course the last man, knew," Winter said, not sounding surprised.
"In other words, the whole town knows!" Qrow snarled as he grabbed Ozpin.
"Hey! Hey, Qrow! Take it easy will ya!" Ozpin babbled.
"Come on get out of here! Get out!" Qrow said as he carried Ozpin towards the door.
"Oh, come on, Qrow. Help the poor guy out," Taiyang implored Qrow.
"Like my counterpart said, I'd go down for harboring a fugitive," Qrow defended.
Qrow opened the office door and tried to throw Ozpin out, but the latter grabbed the door frame.
"Please Qrow, don't throw me out!" Ozpin begged. "You're making a big mistake. I didn't kill anybody. I swear!"
"Get out of here, will ya! Get out!" Qrow shouted as he struggled to shove Ozpin out.
"He could at least hear Ozpin out," Kali reasoned.
"This whole thing's a set up. A scam. A frame job!" Ozpin insisted. "Ow! Qrow. I could never hurt anybody!"
Qrow began stretching Ozpin out to break his grip on the door frame.
"Ow! My whole purpose in life is to make people laugh!"
Ozpin's grip on the door frame finally slipped, sending them both flying backwards. Qrow landed on the floor while Roger landed on the bed.
"Exactly. Toons live to entertain people," Ruby agreed with Ozpin
"Except for the one that killed Raven," Yang reminded grimly.
"O.K. O.K. Sure, I admit it. I got a little steamed when you showed me those pictures of Glynda. So I ran down to the Ink..."
Qrow dove at Ozpin but Ozpin jumped over him and Branwen landed on the other side of the bed.
"Let him finish talking, at least,"
"...and Paint Club. But she wasn't in her dressing room, so I wrote her a love letter," Ozpin finished.
"Awww, that's sweet of him," Terra said with a hand to her chest.
"Reminds me of your first love letter when we were young," Kali purred to Ghira, reminiscing on how he won her heart.
Ghira smiled at Kali. "Mm-hmm, I remember," he said with a nod.
"I remember doing the same for Salem before rescuing her from that tower," Ozpin said wistfully, prompting a nod from Oscar.
"Wait a minute! Wait a minute!" Qrow said, holding up a finger. "You're telling me, that in a fit of jealousy you wrote your wife a love letter?"
"That's right! I know she was just an innocent victim of circumstance," Ozpin replied, still believing Glynda wasn't to blame for her affair.
"So, Ozpin still thinks Glynda was forced into playing patty-cake with Port," Weiss noted.
"Given that slap she gave Qrow earlier, I'd say it's possible," Oscar agreed.
"You're right. If she was really having an affair, she wouldn't have cared less," Ozpin said internally.
"I suppose you used the old lipstick on the mirror routine huh?" Qrow assumed.
"I always thought that mirror thing was pretty creepy," Blake said.
"I'll say," Yang agreed, remembering one boy who tried such a stunt.
"Lipstick, yes. Mirror, no. I found a nice clean piece of paper," Ozpin said as he held up the love letter and began to read in a soft voice. "Dear Glynda. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One one-thousand! Two one-thousand! Three one-thousand! Four one-thous-"
Everyone smiled or laughed at Ozpin's wacky writing, but still found it heartwarming.
"He may be a goofball, but he's still endearing," Yang praised.
"And a devoted husband," Saphron added with a smile.
"Perhaps I didn't marry him for fame or wealth after all," Glynda deducted, finding Ozpin Rabbit humorously charming and loyal.
"Why didn't you just leave the letter there?" Qrow asked as he walked towards his desk.
"Obviously a poem of this power and sensitivity must- Aaaaaaagh!" Ozpin was painfully cut off by Qrow grabbing his ears and moved him out of the way.
"Jerk!" Blake hissed, reminded of Cardin yanking on Velvet's ears back at Beacon.
"...be read in person so I went home to wait for her," Ozpin finished. "But the weasels were there waiting for me! So... so I ran."
"So why come to me?" Qrow asked as he sat back at his desk. "I'm the guy that took the pictures of your wife!"
"I was thinking the same thing," Ghira said, expecting Ozpin to be peeved at Qrow.
"Perhaps I believe Qrow can help clear my name," Ozpin guessed, remembering Qrow's past of helping toons.
Ozpin looked through a book containing newspaper articles of Qrow's past cases.
"Yeah! And you're also the guy that helped all these toons," Ozpin reasoned. "Everybody knows when a toon's in trouble there's only one place to go. Branwen and Branwen.
"Not anymore," Qrow said sadly with a glass of whiskey in hand.
"Without Raven, I'm just a mere shadow of my former self," Qrow grieved.
Yang and Taiyang lowered their gazes in sorrow for the Branwen siblings.
Qrow glanced up to see Ozpin about to sit in a dusty chair on the opposite side of the desk.
Qrow furiously bolted up from his seat. "Get out of that chair!"
Frightened, Ozpin complied, leaving finger marks on the dusty surface of the chair.
Ruby and Yang both flinched at Qrow's fury, their eyes widened slightly.
"Ozpin just pushed his berserk button," Taiyang noted.
"Can you blame him?" Qrow defended, knowing his counterpart was touchy about Raven's death.
Qrow calmed down. "It's my sister's chair," he informed as he sat back down.
"Yeah! Where is your sister anyway?" Ozpin asked, looking at a framed picture of Raven. "She looks like a sensitive and sober gal."
"That's it," Qrow said in exasperation as he picked up a phone. "I'm calling the cops."
"Oh, come on! Help him out!" Nora criticized Qrow's counterpart.
"Please, don't let that creep Tyrian dip poor Ozpin," Ruby begged.
"That's awfully cold of you," Taiyang scolded Qrow.
"Go ahead! Call the cops!" Ozpin said resignedly with a flourish. "I come here for help and what do you do? You turn me in."
Ozpin headed for a nearby door.
"Wait... isn't that a closet?" Oscar asked.
"Yes, it is," Weiss sighed at Ozpin Rabbit's scatterbrained nature.
"No don't. Don't feel guilty about me," Ozpin said as he opened the door. "So long... and thanks for nothing."
Ozpin slammed the door behind him, knocking over some papers on a set of drawers.
"That's the closet, stupid!" Qrow shouted in frustration.
Qrow put down the phone and got up. He opened the closet door, but Ozpin was nowhere to be seen.
"Where did he go?" Ruby wondered aloud.
Suddenly, Ozpin popped up from inside one of the coats wearing a fedora. His jaw was morphed into a square shape like that of a hardened detective.
"Qrow Branwen! You're under arrest!" Ozpin said in a commanding voice as he handcuffed himself to Qrow, then did his signature sputter. "Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!"
Adrien giggled and even tried to imitate Ozpin's sputter.
This elicited laughter and "Awww"s from every female in the audience, and a few males as well.
"Get outta here!" Qrow shouted as he yanked Ozpin out of the closet and onto the bed. "Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs!"
Ozpin just smiled smugly in Qrow's face.
"Ha! He tricked him," Terra said as she pointed at the screen.
"Or Ozpin was just goofing off, like any toon would," Saphron countered.
"Either way, he has no choice but to help him," Glynda pointed out as she sipped a glass of white wine.
"Sneaky little bastard," Qrow grumbled as his counterpart's predicament.
"Hmph!" Ozpin huffed at Qrows insult.
Outside, the sound of a car siren could be heard.
Ozpin turned towards the sound. "Huh?"
"Uh-oh! The cops are there," Ruby fretted.
"Thanks to Ozpin asking half the town about Qrow's address," Glynda reminded.
Screaming in panic, Ozpin dashed to the other side of the room, dragging Qrow with him. At the window, he opened the blinds to peer outside. The Toon Patrol had arrived in their van, which crashed into a parked car.
"Come on! Get the lead out will ya!" Smartass ordered his goons. "Move it would ya! Move it!"
"Oh no. Those Weasels have tracked him down!" Nora said worriedly.
"I just hope Tyrian isn't with them," Terra said with a shiver.
Adrien whimpered softly at the mere mention of Judge Tyrian.
"Yeooow! It's the Toon Patrol!" Ozpin shrieked and recoiled with an "Awooga!" sound effect.
Ozpin dashed under the bed dragging Qrow with him across the floor, but the bed folded back up into the wall.
"Hide me, Qrow! Plplplplease!" Ozpin begged frantically.
Ozpin then tried hiding in one of Raven's old desk drawers causing Qrow to hit his head on the side.
"Ooh!" Ruby and Yang said, wincing.
"Ozpin needs to be careful," Kali cautioned. "If he knocks Qrow unconscious, he's done for."
"Remember, you never saw me!" Ozpin said.
"Get outta there!" Qrow yelled, pulling Ozpin out and setting him down atop the desk.
"Don't let em find me!" Ozpin pleaded in a terrified voice. "Come on, Qrow. You're my only hope!"
"
Suddenly, someone banged on the office door. Qrow and Ozpin turned to the sound with wide eyes.
"Open up in the name of the law!" Smart-Ass demanded, his silhouette appearing behind the frosted glass.
"Pl-pl-please Qrow. You know there's no justice for toons anymore," Ozpin begged with his hands clasped. "If the weasels get their hands on me... I'm as good as dipped!"
"So, either Qrow could help Ozpin and keep him hidden somehow," Saphron said hypothetically.
"Or he could pretend that he caught Ozpin and turned him over to the Toon patrol," Terra said grimly, knowing that scenario meant certain death for Ozpin.
"Don't make us play rough, Branwen. We just want the rabbit," Smart-Ass warned outside the door.
"What are we gonna do, Qrow?" Ozpin asked on the edge of hysteria. "What are we gonna do? What are we gonna do?"
There was more banging on the door. Qrow stared at it in contemplation.
"What's all this we stuff?" Qrow replied before looking at Ozpin. "They just want the rabbit."
Everyone stared tentatively at the screen, dreading Qrow's decision. A few, namely Nora, even crossed their fingers and prayed.
"Please Uncle Qrow. Don't turn him in," Ruby whispered as she held Yangs hand for comfort.
The front door handle was shot off by gunfire. The door slowly opened to reveal Wheezy holding a Tommy gun. The other weasels peaked in.
"Thanks for ruining my door," Qrow said irritably.
"Yeah. Excessive force much?" Taiyang agreed with Qrow.
"They seem more like gangsters than cops," Winter noted with disapproval.
The Toon Patrol cautiously entered the office, weapons at the ready.
"Looks like they gave us the slip, huh, boss?" Greasy assumed.
"Nah," Smart-Ass doubted. "Branwen's got him stashed somewhere."
"You don't really think Qrow will just give him up, do you?" Ruby whispered to Yang worriedly.
"I don't know, sis, but I sure hope not," Yang answered.
Smart-Ass ascended a small staircase and spotted Qrow at a sink full of soapy water.
"Hold it right there!" Smart-Ass commanded.
"Hello boys. I didn't hear you come in," Qrow joked as he squeezed water out of a sock.
Smart-Ass pulled a chair next to Qrow and stood atop it, holding his gun to Qrow's head.
"O.K. wise guy. Where's the rabbit?" Smartass questioned.
"Haven't seen him," Qrow feigned ignorance.
Ruby sighed heavily in relief, as did a few other audience members.
Smartass sniffed the sink. "What's in there?"
Qrow held up a wet sock. "My lingerie."
Smart-Ass recoiled with a gasp, covering his nose.
"Ugh!" Ruby and Yang gagged.
"Yuck! Stinky socks!" Nora said.
"See you, Branwen," Smart-Ass said as he began to walk away.
Suddenly, Ozpin burst out of the sink, coughing and gagging. Qrow immediately shoved Ozpin back under the water just in time before Smart-Ass turned his head towards the noise.
Qrow gave Smart-ass a nervous smile while the weasel shot him a suspicious look.
"Why hide him the sink of all places?" Nora asked.
"It's the only place Qrow can keep him concealed while their cuffed together," Ren reminded.
"Search the place boys. And leave no stone interned," Smart-ass ordered the Toon patrol.
The other weasels began to ransack the office for Ozpin's whereabouts.
Weiss rolled her eyes. "Unturned, you dolt," she correctly.
Smart-Ass hopped onto the chair again. "Look, Branwen. We got a reliable tip off that the rabbit was here. It was "corrugated" by several others. So cut the "bullschkit"," he said, pressing the gun into Qrow's cheek.
"Bullsh-" Weiss began before stopping herself from swearing.
"You keep talking like that and I'm going to have to wash your mouth out," Branwen said as he held up a bar of soap and stuffed it into Smart Ass' mouth, sending him rolling down the stairs.
"I remember when dad did that when he caught me cussing that one night," Yang recalled from her past while Taiyang nodded.
"Me too," Jaune added, glancing downwards.
"You weren't the only one, little brother," Saphron said in comfort.
Ozpin bursts out of the sink again, but the weasels were fortunately distracted by Smart-Ass with the soap his mouth. They began laughing hysterically.
"Stop that laughing!" Smart-Ass ordered, his voice muffled.
Smart-Ass spat out the bar of soap. It hit Wheezy and sent him flying across the room to crash into the window blinds.
This only made the other weasels laugh even harder.
Adrien giggled, as did Terra. "Luckily for Qrow and Ozpin, the Toon Patrol isn't very competent," she said.
"They'll still give in to typical toon antics," Saphron added with a grin.
"Stop that laughing!" Smart-Ass ordered again, holding up a plunger. "You know what happens when you can't stop laughin!"
Smart-Ass whacked Greasy and Psycho over the heads with the plunger, silencing them.
Stupid continued laughing as he slumped against a filing cabinet. Smart-Ass threw the plunger at Stupid, hitting him in the face, and sticking him to the cabinet, finally shutting him up.
"One of these days you're gonna die laughing," Smart-Ass grumbled.
"Toons can die from laughing?" Oscar asked.
"It makes sense to me," Jaune said with a shrug.
Smartass jumped back onto chair next to Qrow.
"As for you Branwen. Step outta line and we'll hang you and your laundry out, to dry," he warned, splashing the water in the sink.
With a chuckle, Smart-Ass hopped down from the chair. "Come on boy's. Let's amscray," he instructed his goons.
"That was a close call," Nora said with relief.
"But what's Uncle Qrow going to do now?" Ruby wondered.
"I don't really have a choice now," Qrow sighed, knowing he was stuck with Ozpin. "I guess I gotta crack the case."
As the weasels left, Ozpin emerged from the sink and spat out a fountain of water.
"They're gone," Qrow informed Ozpin.
"Jeepers, Qrow! That was swell," Ozpin praised as he rang the water out of his ears. "You saved my life! How can I ever repay ya!"
He grabbed Qrow and gave him a big smooch on the lips.
Qrow did a spit take with his whiskey and flushed red with embarrassment while everyone else howled with laughter.
In the back of Oscar's head, Ozpin gaped in wide eyed befuddlement.
Branwen struggled and shoved Ozpin off of him.
"For starters, don't ever kiss me again!" he said in disgust as he wiped his lips.
"Got a thing for rabbits, huh, Qrow?" Taiyang teased, wiggling his eyebrows.
"Shut up!" Qrow snarled and punched Taiyang's arm lightly, but the former just laughed again.
"Maybe solving the case will help Qrow bring back his former self," Ozpin said hopefully.
Author's Note: I decided right off the bat that Tyrian would play Judge Doom. He's just so perfect for the role. While they're both villains, Tyrian's crazed and erratic behavior clashes with Judge Doom's initially stoic and icy cold professionalism. But near the end of the film...that horrible reveal... that's where Tyrian and Doom become so similar. That's how I made my choice.
Guest chapter 21, Jan 27th, 2022: You were half-right. I decided Tyrian would play Judge Doom right from the start.
SeerKing: I never considered Ironwood or Cinder to be fitting choices for Judge Doom. Watts was a close second behind Tyrian, but the latter was my final decision.
Komod0-Sensei: Lol. I had to slip in a Daffy Duck reference in somewhere.
Gamelover41592: Thanks for pointing that out for me. I fixed the errors. I figured Jaune would be the best choice for Goofy, since their both...well...goofy, XD
thewittywhy: My thoughts exactly. Taiyang, Qrow, and Yang would definitely prefer Raven's counterpart over the real one.
Dustiniz117: I often edit and add a few extra lines or words to past chapters. I'll add a nosebleed. Thanks for the idea.