Loneliness could find you too easily out here, even easier to allow yourself to succumb to it. Some nights the sweet indulgence to wrap herself in it, to replay the only good memories she had been graced with in her life to accompany her through the dark was a temptation that refused to be ignored. So she wouldn't. She would hold those memories as close as she used to hold a tiny hand that stayed gripped in hers, comforting as she used to do.
She would lie awake, or more often than not, perch herself up in a stand while overlooking the jungle below, eyes trained to the night skies that she could never lie and say were not beautiful and think of her; something more beautiful to her than anything this strange world could offer. She would grieve, she would smile, she would feel the anger and helplessness and never send them away no matter how much it pained her; because every emotion she felt belonged to her.
Her sweet daughter, whose small face she could never forget, no matter how much time had passed between them. The way her eyes lit up when she had mastered a word that had previously evaded her, the way her hand felt in hers as they had walked the filthy streets, the trust that was always placed in her to keep them safe. The silly stories Sienna created to cheer them both up, pure childhood innocence that had always made her smile no matter how bad the day had been.
It was the last story she had been told that was replaying itself through her mind now, something of a raincloud that had befriended a raindrop that had no real end or beginning, but still special because her baby had made it for her. The last thing of her she had been able to bring through that portal, other than the promise she had made.
"- and I know everyone of you all thinks I am crazy, but trust me when I tell you this, you do not know true insanity unless you've lived with him."
The cloud evaporated, and she was back to sitting on the jungle floor with a fire crackling before her and a cheap jar of hooch beside her; reminded that loneliness did not only grace herself with its presence.
"Must run in the family."
Said drily, the jar she had taken a drink of taken as her company took more than his share of it. He always did, and she never complained. It was not as if she liked not having her wits about her, preferring to stay sharp and guarded. A sentiment that was not shared by the other, who liked to empty the jars almost as soon as they received them. She could tell he was bordering on drunk again, which meant another Taylor Tale.
"Not many people see it, because they do not know the real him like I do. It's all up here, never going away."
Said with a tap to a head she could never comprehend but did pity, one of the driving reasons she allowed these talks; because they were both lonely, and both condemned to misery by the same man.
"Finish what we were sent here to do, and maybe it will go away."
Their failures were always a sore point between them all, though hers stung deeper. Sienna would not understand why her mother had been gone for so long, or what had happened. At this very moment she could be wondering why she had been left alone, why she was no longer her mother's shadow and if it was her fault; children always thought the misgivings in their world was due to them, and that was pain she did not want to pass on.
"Yeah, working on that. I just hate that he gets to hide behind this façade he has created, what did you think when you met him for the first time?"
A story with engagement, that was a new development. Lucas even offered her the jar back that she accepted for another drink from. She may as well, she would need it if she was expected to engage instead of being a passive listener tonight.
"I thought nothing of him, other than he was a job to do."
An honest answer, because Sienna had been the only thing she had thought of, no one else mattered. Getting her daughter a safe home, the medication she needed, maybe even a few of those stories she memorized and loved so much was her only motivation. Anyone else who got in the way of that was nothing.
"I like that. See that's smart, even for you. If more people did that, we wouldn't be here now. I just hate him so much."
The words Taylor and hate were synonyms now, as was the bottle back in Lucas's hand and her daughter's memory on her mind. But those words struck something deep inside her now, enough to make her heart pang at the thought of hearing her daughter repeat those words about her. My mother abandoned me, and I hate her for it.
"You're thinking of something."
She had gotten momentarily distracted by her thoughts, watching the fire dance and forgetting she was supposed to add one-word anecdotes to keep the conversation flowing until one of them was passed out and the other asleep.
"Are you going to pretend to care what someone else is thinking now?"
"For the sake of conversation, I'll say yes."
Smart ass, though she did not entirely hate it. She thought of remaining silent, to let that bottle run dry and go back to her thoughts alone, to try and conjure one of the pleasant ones to take the place of the ones that were disturbing her, stubbornly refusing to stay quiet.
"Why do you hate him so much? What did he ever do to you?"
There was a story there, some perverse reason that had gotten her knocked into this path of life that had turned into a black hole, absorbing the only light she'd had left. It grew quiet, and she looked over curiously to find a look of such pain that felt as if it mirrored her own; and she was reminded of just why she allowed these sparse talks, and did not shun his company the way the others did. While she did not entirely trust Lucas Taylor, she had grown a type of kinship with him that could only be born out of desperation, and in that kinship two feelings wrestled for their turn in the spotlight. Sorrow, because she truly pitied this strange young man who she felt had been an outsider much as she had been her entire life. But she also feared him, because one day she may find her daughter mirrored in this man, with the same venomous hate hurled towards her.
"When you see him, ask him yourself."
Maybe she would do just that, to satisfy the cruel curiosity that kept turning its ugly head inside her. The type of hatred that was being directed towards Taylor seemed almost unnatural, but also coming too easily. Could her own child feel that towards her? Could she be feeling that right now, until her mind was as clouded with it as the one beside her and it took control of her life?
"I was thinking about my daughter."
The flames could dance prettily, almost hypnotizing and she surprised herself by speaking her thoughts aloud. But it didn't matter, how much of what she could say would be remembered? The bottle was empty, and the deep sigh that accompanied it told her this rendezvous would be ending soon anyhow. She may as well elevate some of what she was feeling, using him as a diary that was hardly paying attention but serving its purpose well enough.
"I didn't know you had one."
But yet another surprise, that she was listened to. She knew the smartest thing would be to end this conversation, to head back into the trees overhead and to banish the thoughts from her head.
"Only her, she's the reason I came here."
Retreating into her mind felt like a coward's move tonight, and that speaking of Sienna was a comfort she denied herself for too long. It felt as if she were speaking her into existence again, that any second her arms would lock around her neck in an embrace.
"Yeah?"
"We were on the streets, and I was barely getting us by. When she got sick, well. I'd do anything to make her better."
So she had, practically jumping at the opportunity when it had been presented to her. That was the only comfort she had now, knowing her daughter was fed and in a warm home, waiting on her return.
"You thought jumping through a portal was the only option you had?"
Most people reserved judgement for that, and she tried to pretend it did not needle its way inside her mind, but it did.
"It isn't like there is a hot job market for ex-cons. I did the only thing I could do for her; you don't get to judge me for that."
"I wasn't judging, I just think that is interesting. Very interesting."
The last word was drawn out, one hand balled into a fist that was propping up a cheek. She left him be for a moment, hoping her own daughter found sleep coming to her peacefully with the knowledge her mother loved her, and missed her. Missed her so much it was a gnawing hole inside her heart that felt as if it could never truly heal.
Sienna was all she had, and all that she needed. She would not be here if her child had not needed her to take drastic action, the sounds of the horrible cough that tore through her daughter's throat enough to make her shudder. She had felt scared and cornered then, but not when she had gone through that portal. Then she had been sure; go in, complete the job and get back home to her.
But one man had taken that from her, only one man stood in the way of seeing her again and she did hate him. Yet another reason their odd alliance suited them both so well, they were bound together by the hatred of one person that stood in the way of everything that needed to be accomplished.
With that brought the other feeling; if that hate was so easy for her to feel, what about Sienna? Was that growing inside her, getting larger with every day that passed until she was becoming a cruel memory in her child's mind?
"Do you think she will hate me the way you hate him?"
She was slightly ashamed for asking it, not that she would show it. Strength was all that had kept her and Sienna alive, and she would not allow herself to grow weak now. She waited, believing the invasive question would lay dormant between them until the silence was broken by the clearing of a drunken throat.
"Did you ever make her feel like she wished she wasn't alive? That your life would have been better if she had never been born? That she would never be good enough for you?"
Never. Her life had been one cheap con after the other before that tiny, precious baby had been placed in her arms and a feeling of love she had never felt before washed over her. She had been terrified, not knowing what to do but sure in her love. No one else before her mattered, none of the people who had misjudged her, mistreated her, or turned their back on her. None of the people who had used her and left her for dead; only that sweet baby who amazed her every single day.
"No."
"Then she doesn't hate you. Probably."
Oddly enough, that comforted her. Perhaps it was the way it was said, with conviction of someone who had already lived that experience. Sienna's love was the only thing she had left, and to lose that would kill her.
"Everything I do is for her. Nothing else matters, as long as she is taken care of."
The past did not matter, the terrible things she had done and would willingly due again to get back to her. Sienna deserved a good life, and it was shameful to her she had not been able to provide it before, but never again. This place could be torn to the ground and stripped for what it was worth, if it meant getting her what she deserved.
"You sound like a good mother. There's nothing like it, being loved by a good mother."
Someone would be nursing an amazing headache the following morning, and it would not be her. She would still be nursing these feelings of guilt though, never leaving her for long. It had been too long, and her daughter needed her now.
"I'll take your word for it."
But as odd as this conversation had grown, it somewhat comforted her. She had never known what it was like to be loved by a good mother, and to be told that was one curse she may have broken made these nights feel worth it. She was a good mother, if nothing else that is the one thing she could place beside her name.
She was a good mother, and she would change the past to ensure her child had a good future. She would do anything, and damn anyone who got in her way of doing it.