Mom - Season 9, episode 1

A Moist Desk and the Truth about Love

Bonnie entered her therapist's office after pacing for fifteen minutes.

"Ok, numbnuts, I need to get this thing running. Stop sexting your high school sweetheart and fix me. Or die trying. In your panic room. That you built to protect yourself from me. Like I wouldn't crawl in through the air vent. So, chop chop! Tammy and I have an important meeting…"

She slammed the door back shut and went to sit in silence in the waiting room. She noticed he had finally put up the snow globe she had offered him a couple of years back. She turned the pages of a Lifestyle magazine without looking at them. Faster and faster until she slammed them against one another, crumpling them for lack of care and ended up tearing them instead of turning them. After a few minutes, a disheveled Tammy wearing the work shirt from their company upside down, emerged. She kept trying to make a lock of hair go behind her ear by blowing it upward.

"Hey, partner. Ready for the Regina Tompkins remodel interview in an hour? she asked as if nothing had happened."

Bonnie stood up and raised her left finger in front of her face and then put it back down, at a loss for words, which was unusual for her since… well, birth.

"Be right back."

Tammy stayed behind.

"I hope his affairs are in order. Mine sure aren't. He rearranged my teacups good."

She picked up the magazine Bonnie was reading.

"Uh, Rihanna in 20 landmarks. Don't mind if I do. Wait? She was a singer before doing clothes. I really missed out a lot drinking, drugging and robbing an Outback lousy with popo's."

Bonnie entered her therapist's office again. She avoided the desk which seemed to have been put to good use, holding onto the chair she would usually sit on.

"If you're worried about germs and fluids, I wouldn't touch that chair either. Actually, I would levitate back out of the building or go through the window. Oh, wait, the window's tainted too. We had a warning from the super. But then, he tried to join. Why do they always try to join?"

She put her trembling hands in front of her head.

"You're fired."

To give weight to her statement, she threw everything off his desk and let out a brief yet piercing shriek to express her frustration and sheer horror.

"It's pretty moist."

"I bet it is."

She turned and left with what dignity she had left.

"You'll be back."

"No, I won't."

"Ok. See you next week."

"Sure, so I can find you bent over Marjorie. No thanks."

"Marjorie is one of my patients. I would never."

"So that's where you draw the line?"

"Pretty much."

She tried to find something snarky to say.

"See you next week, Trevor repeated."

She slammed the door.

Trevor took out a small white board where you could read: "Number of times Bonnie Plunkett has fired me". He erased the number 38 and wrote 39.

oOo

"To the car? Tammy asked. Or should I run behind it?"

"Don't tempt me."

"This is gonna be a fun ride."

Tammy looked at the coffee table.

"Let me take that Lifestyle magazine. I really need to catch up on my Riri. I think she might be my Higher Power. What? Yours is Oprah and mine can't be the woman I'd go gay for?"

"Wasn't enough to take my shrink? You need to take my magazine too? she mumbled. You like sloppy seconds"

"What?"

"Yeah, I heard it. I know: ew."

oOo

OPENING CREDITS – The pictures of Christie are different, some seeming recent, but still hinting at major upheaval.

oOo

"Big Spoon, you're going 70 miles an hour on a 50 lane. I know you won't be mad anymore if we're both part of the dashboard but I'd rather you punched me in the boob and then share at me at the meeting."

She stopped the car in the middle of the road.

"What about some parking and some not dying?"

oOo

Now properly parked, both Bonnie and Tammie were tending to their wounds.

"I can't believe you punched me in the boob."

"I can't believe it was that thicc. I think I broke my hand. Prison will change you."

"It will. And it has. I've also been doing heavy jobs thanks to your shrill skills. I can bench 250 now."

She looked at Bonnie with a serious yet scary look.

"Punch me again and I'll break you like a twig. We might not be in prison, but I'll make you my bitch."

Bonnie put her shirt back in place and dusted it off.

"Understood... ma'am."

"If you have something to say, say it. I know we're like sisters, but I can't handle physical violence. You know where I come from and what happened to my mom. Oh my God. Stop rearranging my shirt.

"Am doing it wrong, boss?"

"No, I'm kinda kinda liking it. And I can't be confusing my naughty parts. I'm already have two men in my head I know I can't have."

They faced the windshield, only looking at each other though the reflection in the glass. After an awkward silence, the blonde woman decided to ramble until they dove right back into their issues.

"He's taken a dog, you know. One of those Japanese dogs you see in anime. Orange mutt that won't stop growling. He named her… you know what?! That's not important."

"What?! What did he name her?"

She suddenly understood he or she was her namesake, because they were both "female dogs".

"Oh. He's gonna hear about that."

"Didn't you fire him?"

We both know it won't stick. It's like meetings. I can't go more than three days before I start rearranging the cutlery drawer at 3 am and bathing Adam. Don't ask."

"Yeah, you're the only one I know that can angry clean at someone. And apparently clean people for comfort. Is it like a ghost thing and you make foam shapes on his one-eyed peeper?"

"I said don't ask. But it's a gift. Like a symphony of resentments. A vigorous loud obnoxious concerto."

She tilted her head to the right, puzzled.

"Wait? Two men? At the same time? Like a throuple kinda deal?"

"No. but more on it later. Let's deal with you and me first. We work together, I can't have that toxic cloud above us."

"Damn, you have grown so much. I'm both proud and a little jealous. But anyway, back to Shrinky Dinks. You do get that it's a problem with you like it was with Jill, right?

"Actually, no. We talked about it a lot. Jill didn't like him. She projected Andy onto him. All I project in him is my whole naked body. It's just two consenting adults having sex a few dozen times. But I know he's lying. I googled it. Clear ethical violation."

"A few dozen times? How many times is that?"

"36."

Bonnie raised an eyebrow, as she knew she was downplaying it.

"Ok, double it. And add 10."

"Oh my God! How long has this been going on?"

"Two weeks."

"Prison life will change you."

"It will. And it has."

oOo

Time passed and the car was still parked. The conversation seemed to have carried on a fair bit but has not escalated to a fist fight. Just a gazonga punch about an hour earlier. They however seemed to have lost the notion of time. They had an issue and they wouldn't get out of the car until it was resolved.

"Do you love him? Do you want to pursue him? To have his babies… to adopt a baby since the shop's closed…"

"I'm not sure. I don't think I do. I think he's filling a hole. No pun intended. It didn't work out with his high school crush. And if I'm honest, I'm still thinking about someone. Hence the two I waw referring to earlier? Well, two and half men because the second one is really well-endowed."

"Yuri the mob guy? That guy from Home Depot you stalked? Marjorie?"

"You know who I'm talking about."

"Rudy. Errr. I'd rather you mobbed up."

"Bonnie?"

"Yes, Tam-Tam… Sorry, I was trying something te defuse tension. Won't happen again.

"I'm in love with Rudy but he asked that we only see each other in meetings because he can't recover and be in a relationship. He told me his feelings are so strong they might bring him back to using. And even though I understand…"

She choked up.

"It breaks my heart and I keep hoping he's gonna change his mind, get on one knee and ravage me down there. And propose. In that order."

Bonnie threw up a little in her mouth. She tried to regain composure and see the glass half-full. With club soda.

"Well, at least, he's finally going? That's great, isn't it?"

"It is. Christie did a number on him. He calls her all the time because he's too chicken to get a sponsor. He wanted to ask that really hot guy that looks like Magic Mike that came to the women's meeting once, before I was cast. But he masturbated so many times thinking of him he ended up in the ER."

"it's amazing. Gross and amazing. Oh, and, sorry and you had to default on Trevor."

"Trevor is nice. Trevor is the kind of guy you marry. But I like the thrill I had with Rudy and I want that thrill."

"You know what a thrill is for an addict?"

"A legal high, right before you look for your panties in the big pile. In Calgary. I know. But you always say Adam loves you for who you are, for the crazy that's still there. And he drinks like a fish. Why can't Rudy be my Adam? He's mostly going to NA so we won't even bump into each other that much. This way, I can share freely about how mad he makes me and kvetch like you do all the time.

"Tammy, you're unraveling! You're fantasizing something in great detail. Something that will never happen!"

"But it could!"

"But it won't."

"But he is thriving! Why can't he thrive with me?"

"Don't lie to me."

"He is okay."

"Tammy…"

"He is sweating balls and shivering at the back of the room, whisper-fighting with his demons. And by demons, I mean his ball-busting mother."

"See! Rudy might be a good match for you. In the future. Probably a distant future. But you can't wait for him because that future might never come to pass, or it might, but you may not be part of it. You cannot save your face and your ass at the same time. He cannot save his ass and his face at the same time. He probably can barely put his shoes on without crying. You'll end up trying to lift him up and he will drag you down. You will not use on it because step one tells us we won't use no matter what, but your disease will creep out some other way and you'll be in GA or SAA or both before you can say: I've fallen and I can't get up!"

She hesitated with that part, fearing Tammie might think she was manipulating her when she was just sharing her experience, as addicts will do to avoid giving advice but give advice anyway through the memories they share.

"I've never told this to anyone but when Alvin died, I thought about following him. No drugs, to go out clean; just plain old suicide. This way, I could become somebody else's Higher Power. That's my after-life made-up belief, don't crap on it, please."

Tammie took her hand in hers, painfully aware there was more.

"When Adam was diagnosed with a shadow on his lungs that turned out to be cancer, they asked at the meeting: 'Who has a burning desire to share? One definition of a burning desire is: I might use, I might hurt myself or hurt somebody else if I don't share right now'."

She looked down and tears started to fall.

"I asked myself if I could hurt myself and the answer wasn't a hundred percent clear. Not as strong as with Alvin but very present nonetheless. So I took that burning desire three times a day for a week, until I felt I could face life on life's terms again."

Tammie grabbed her and hugged her tight.

"Oh, Bonnie… I had no idea."

"It's like with the Tylenol when you first came out of prison. I know where this love triangle will get you and I want to protect you from that. But I can't force you to do anything."

"I hear you. Thank you for being a friend."

"You're welcome, Blanche."

"but you know, still, when he calls me, I want to…"

"Save him?"

"Ride him like a poney."

"Ew."

"Yeah, I heard it."

"Could you use a meeting?"

"I sure could."

Tammie put the key in the ignition but didn't rev the engine.

"Bonnie, what's the truth about love?"

"What do you mean? Like in that song? Morning breath, bedroom eyes on a smiling face. Sheet marks, rug burn, and a sugar glaze."

"Yeah, Tammie agreed, but also wings, and songs. And trees, and birds. It's all the poetry that you ever heard."

Just like that, they were singing that beautiful song they had had the privilege of discovering when getting clean. That and the beauty of life on life's terms, but also its harsh realities.

Tammy started the van and they headed to the meeting.

[The Truth about Love, by P!nk, starts playing ; you can hear them singing as their voices fade out as the car moves away from the camera.]

oOo

"Hi, I'm Regina and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Regina!"

"So, today, I had a meeting with my contractors to redo my flat since I trashed the place and nearly burned down my kitchen. I also wrote Redrum on the wall with what turned out to be barbecue sauce. Praise de the Lord! No horror movie while on the sauce. And a fistful of muscle relaxers."

She glared at Tammy and Bonnie to let them know they had failed her. They bowed their heads but were also relieved to learn they were not aiding and abetting.

"Mmm-hhh, she nagged while moving her neck and body up in a zigzag motion."

She paused and let them crazy eyes sink in.

"So, while I was not doing that, I had time to reflect. I paced up and down and a bottle of hooch fell from a hollowed part of my couch. Then two, then three. I'm like a drunk magician when I relapse. Well, that scene was more clown car than Houdini. Yeah yeah, Sketchy, you were right when you said I couldn't do the controlled drinking bit. And poof, six years later you were right. Eerie. Guess you had to be wise and insightful at some point, right?"

Bonnie crossed her legs and clenched her knees with her hands until they turned white.

"So while I was shivering, in the middle of a sandwich call with my sponsor to empty those bottles in the sink, I felt truly grateful to God for people who are present when they say they will be"

Second twist of the knife.

"While I watched about twenty dollars worth or bourbon going down the drain, I took a good hard look on my life up to this point, found some snow behind a painting and enough pills to send a horse to the glue factory and remembered all the little things I started slipping on that lead me to believe I could go without recovery. And with mood and mind altering substances."

She turned over her phone that started ringing, showing her kid's face that was now a teenager.

"Sorry for that. Forgot to turn on airplane mode. I think my first mistake was helping my cell mate make toilet wine because, and I quote: I did my step one and I won't drink no matter what. Stupid stupid stupid. And then, it slowly escalated until I was looking for my panties in the big pile, asking myself when and how I had flown to Sacramento, who wrote "Whore!" on my boobs with a sharpie, and whose wedding ring was on my finger. So you see, a remodel meeting that went AWOL is the least of my worries. Thank you, Bonnie and Tammy. That was the most normal part of my day. No, of my week. I feel like I can finally start to live life on life's terms."

Bonnie and Tammy's sphincters released.

"But don't fail me a second or you and I will throw down, chopsticks. Blonde ambition, we're good 'cause it's your first time. But don't test me."

She pointed her eyes with her index and middle finger and then towards Bonnie's eyes and then back at hers. Bonnie swallowed her saliva with difficulty, knowing she was not lying as this would not be the first time. Nor the second.

"Thank you for listening. I'll shut up and listen now. Thank you for letting me share."

"Thank you, Regina, the people in the meeting said, as per usual."

"Who else would like to share? Asked Angela, the moderator, Mary's daughter who had re-joined AA after her mother's funeral, again, thanks to the ever-angry angel in human known as Christie.

oOo

Bonnie was sitting on Marjorie's couch, while waiting for Tammie to emerge from her room.

"Oh my God, I get why she calls you three the Tower of Power Horn Section. You're like Violet in her third trimester; you just can't stop farting."

As for many addicts, her tolerance for patience was low, especially on basic cable.

"Why do I spend my time waiting for people?"

She stood up and headed to her associate's bedroom.

"Tammy, hide the loot. I'm coming in."

As she was saying this, a disheveled Tammy emerged, wearing a man's t-shirt that was actually form-fitting on her.

"Going jogging?"

"Oh, I've jogged myself to death in there. My watch actually says I've run half a mile in there. Talk about smart, I've never left the pole. Though I did feel like I had a heart attacks for a brief second and my watch sent an alert. It's like when I have a $1,000 on my account and Visa calls to enquire where the funds are coming from."

"Who's in there?"

"Well…"

"Oh Tammy, we talked about it. He has less than a year. He's vulnerable. Dead inside but vulnerable."

Trevor emerged at that very moment, wearing nothing but a sheet.

"Oh, that's better. I guess. I need to find a new therapist, I suppose?"

"Well…"

Then Rudy emerged, wearing only the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book to cover his genitalia.

"What?! Tammy exclaimed. It's your fault for suggesting the throuple. Wanted to see if I was a modern woke woman."

"And what did you land on?"

"The pole. Didn't you hear a thing I said earlier? I'm not modern. I'm a slut and I just love love. But in an empowering kind of way. Somehow. No? P!nk reference's not working this time."

"Too soon, Tammie. Too soon, Trevor interjected."

"Oh you, like you, in the bedroom."

"Shut up, Rudy. Shut up."

"It's chef Rudy to you."

Bonnie sat down on the floor.

"I can't breathe."

"Don't worry. Turns out they liked each other more than they liked me. We still did unspeakable stuff but they're gonna go have coffee. I would like to do that 'prison changed me' bit again for comic relief but I think you might murder me if I do. You have them Regina eyes right now. I think I peed a little."

She took a few long breaths in.

"At least, now, I can keep my therapist since Rudy is nobody to me."

"See you on Monday, Trev…"

That's when he dropped the sheet.

"Write me a referral, Trevor."

"I will do that once I locate my clothes and my dignity."

This is when Marjorie entered her house. She looked at the scene, stayed completely quiet, closed the door gently, got in her car and left making a Fast and Furious Tokyo drift.

oOo

Bonnie entered her home. Adam was at chemotherapy. As soon as she closed the door, the bell rang.

"Do you wait until I try to catch my breath to try and shovel me to death? Hope it's a clown in a sewer. Let's end up on a high note."

She drew near the door.

"What, Tammy? Trevor and Rudy were not enough. You jumped on Yuri's bandwagon and now you're moving to Russia to run a commune?"

She opened the door.

"Hi, Mom. It's your favorite daughter!"

Bonnie stood there, silent. She saw the many suitcases and the U-Haul behind her and also how nice her clothes had become since she left for school. She must have tried to blend into the local wildlife. She still smelled like Target, though.

"Can I move back in?"

She closed the door, unable to process.

oOo

Bonnie entered her therapist's office to get her file back for her new shrink. She found him tied up on a Saint-André cross getting whipped by Jill and Tammie dressed in dominatrix outfits.

"What? I wanted to explore that threesome/throuple idea the other way to be sure I'm bisexual and/or gay. Now I know. I'm just a pig."

He then started oinking loudly, in a concerto with Jill and Tammy. That's when she abruptly woke, gasping for us, as if she had been drowning until now. She turned to her left to look at Adam. She kissed him.

"I love you."

"I love you too, he mumbled, half awake. No sex, I had a big meal."

"Shut up, butter munchkin."

She then turned to her right and kissed Trevor, sleeping with a gag ball in his mouth.

"I love you."

"I gov gu, he mumbled through the gag ball."

She then smiled and fell asleep. Finally at peace.

That's when she woke up again, terrified at the idea this was like Inception, but not at all. She shook Adam.

"What?! I was having a good dream."

"Well, say goodnight to Louise from Trader Joe's. It's time to bathe you."

"Ok, he said in his very recognizable tone of voice. I'll put on the Kermit outfit."

And that was all they wrote or showed not to disturb our minds anymore.

ENDING CREDITS