A/N: I really wish we had seen Walter attempt online dating during his weird S2 phase. Speaking from experience, it's a WEIRD experience, and I can imagine this having been highly entertaining. Anyway. There's potential to expand on this later should the gremlins want to give it a go, but for now, will mark as complete. So follow if you want to be updated should that day come! Enjoy.
Xoxo
The team sat around the war table in the garage, but instead of working on a life-or-death case, they were riveted by an entirely different kind of catastrophe…
Walter O'Brien attempting online dating.
Walter sat stiffly at his laptop, scrolling through profiles with all the enthusiasm of a robot analyzing spreadsheets. His brows furrowed deeply as he read yet another profile aloud.
"'I love long walks on the beach and drinking wine with my girls.' That seems dangerous. Consuming alcohol by an open body of water substantially increases the risk of drowning." He muttered, shaking his head.
Toby leaned back in his chair, grinning ear to ear.
"Walt, you're supposed to comment on the beach part. Maybe say something flirty like, 'I'd love to take a walk with you someday.'"
Walter frowned.
"That seems highly presumptuous. I don't even know if she has a reasonable walking pace."
Paige, sitting beside him, hiding behind a mug of coffee attempting desperately to shield her jealousy, sighed.
"Walter, it's about connecting with people. Not efficiency."
Sylvester, who had been nervously chewing on a granola bar, chimed in.
"I'm just so glad I found Megan in real life. No algorithms, no swiping... just good, old-fashioned mutual interest."
Happy crossed her arms.
"Yeah, finding someone in person means you can tell if they're weird right away. No surprises." Toby shot her a look, but she just shrugged.
Cabe, standing with his arms crossed, grunted.
"And this my friends is why I'm staying single forever. No way in hell am I subjecting myself to this madness." He gestured at Walter's screen, where he was currently composing a message to a woman who, unbeknownst to him, bore a striking resemblance to Paige.
Paige squinted at the profile picture, having to do a double take, and nearly choked on her coffee.
"Uh… Walter, does she… remind you of… anyone?" She asked casually, fighting to keep her voice even. Toby quickly looked to the screen and pursing his lips in amusement, nodded before motioning toward Paige to Happy and Sly.
"I didn't know you had a sister, Paige." He teased.
"I don't." Paige added flatly.
Walter looked from the photo to Paige, then back again.
"I suppose she has… similar features, high cheekbones, eye color, and hair texture to yours, Paige, but that's purely… coincidental." Walter dismissed, convincing no one. Not even himself.
Toby snickered, leaning over Walter's shoulder to spy on the messages being exchanged.
"Yeah, coincidental. Just like how you coincidentally typed 'What a naturally symmetrical face you have' instead of saying 'You're beautiful.'"
Walter defended himself.
"Symmetry is an indicator of evolutionary fitness. It's an objective compliment."
Happy smirked.
"Sure, Casanova."
Cabe leaned into Happy, conspiratorially whispering.
"And that's why he is going to be single forever."
Suddenly, Walter's screen blinked with a notification.
"She unmatched you!" Paige read aloud, leaning over his shoulder. Impossibly close to him, making him forget temporarily, all about the girl he'd been talking to.
"Damn. That beats Toby's record on fastest rejection." Happy chided, earning another glare from Toby.
"Rude. Though accurate."
Walter blinked, confused.
"But… I thought we were connecting well."
Paige bit her lip.
"What did you say to her, Walter?"
He scrolled up, searching through their brief chat.
"She said, 'aw tysm,' and I responded with, 'No, actually, I don't have autism. Though, I understand where you could misconceive that. I just lack EQ as part of having an extremely high IQ. Which you don't seem to possess, as you also misspelled autism.'"
Silence fell over the room.
Then Toby burst out laughing, nearly falling out of his chair.
"Walter, you thought 'aw tysm' meant she was calling you autistic?! Walter, Walter, Walter… It means 'aww thank you so much!' Oh man, that's gold."
Walter looked genuinely bewildered. "But she omitted necessary vowels and spaces. That's an inefficient way to communicate gratitude."
Paige covered her face, half amused and half mortified. Secondhand embarrassed for him, and yet, still oddly endeared by his bizarre nature.
"Walter, maybe these women… they're not… for you." She hesitated, her voice softening, wanting both to help him, but also, to steer him away from this insane experiment and simply turn to her. "Maybe you should consider looking for someone who… understands you better."
Walter tilted his head.
"You mean someone with a higher IQ?"
"No… um, no. Not uh, that…" Paige said, pressing her lips together. "Just someone who… you don't have to explain yourself to all the time. Someone who you can be yourself with and still be accepted and appreciated."
Sylvester raised a hand.
"So… Paige?"
Paige shot him a look, and Walter fidgeted uncomfortably.
"No, Sly."
Happy smirked.
"But yes, Sly."
Toby, wiping tears from his eyes, leaned in.
"Okay, okay. MsDineens's suitability aside, let's all agree that 197 should not reply to anyone without supervision. This experiment is already a disaster."
Walter frowned.
"That's unnecessary. I'm perfectly capable of social interaction."
Cabe snorted.
"Kid, you just told a woman she lacked intelligence because of an abbreviation. Stay single for now."
Walter sighed in frustration.
"Fine. But I still don't see why I was blocked."
Paige reached over and closed the laptop.
"Maybe let's take a break from online dating, Walter. You know, until you get… better at it."
Walter nodded reluctantly, and the team slowly dispersed, shaking their heads and laughing under their breath.
As Paige walked past Toby, he whispered with a knowing smirk.
"Do I detect a hint of jealousy?"
She shot him a glare but didn't say anything at first. Instead, she picked up her coffee and muttered.
"Walter deserves someone who gets him. Not these bimbos."
Toby grinned.
"You mean like you?"
Paige rolled her eyes, but the smile she tried to suppress didn't go unnoticed.
The following day at the garage, Walter sat at his workstation, scrolling through dating profiles with his typical analytical detachment. The rest of the team lingered nearby, drawn to the spectacle like moths to a flame. Toby leaned on the table, munching popcorn he had procured from who-knows-where, while Happy stood arms crossed, waiting for the next disaster to unfold. Paige sat on the couch, pretending to work but sneaking glances every few seconds.
Walter sighed.
"This one says she's 'a spiritual goddess seeking an open-minded partner to explore the cosmic vibrations of the universe.'" He shook his head. "That's absurd. Vibrations exist, but they don't have any direct correlation to romantic compatibility."
Toby grinned like the cheshire cat, peeking at the woman's very suggestive profile photo.
"I don't know, Walter. Some vibrations might be pretty romantic under the right circumstances. And judging by that photo… could be enough to make you see stars!" He waggled his eyebrows, earning an immediate smack from Happy, and Paige's jealousy to boil into her expression, getting a second smack from Happy as she motioned to her. "Ow! I'm just saying. She looks a bit like she's not going to be worried about your mind, Walt."
Walter ignored him, scrolling to the next profile. He blinked.
"This one says she's looking for a 'polyamorous king to join her and her three husbands on their journey of love.'" He frowned deeper. "This seems logistically unsustainable. How does one allocate resources efficiently in such an arrangement?"
Happy rolled her eyes.
"Maybe they use a chore chart, genius."
He shook his head and kept scrolling.
"Oh, this holds promise." Paige immediately looked up at his eagerness, her stomach dropping.
"Hmm, she's kinda hot." Happy briefly looked at the screen shrugging. "If I was into that sort of thing."
"Looks like she's with the NSA."
"NSA… well, that's something." Cabe approved, and Paige rolled her eyes. Like working for the NSA was some monumental achievement. She went from being a waitress to working for Homeland.
"Though, I'm unfamiliar with this agency…" Walter trailed off.
"What agency is that, son?"
"FWB." He looked up, his thoughts clearly circling trying to put it together. "Federal… War… Work…? Bureau…"
"I don't know of any agency with those letters." Cabe chimed in, as Paige sighed, not wanting to get involved again. He needed to figure this out. He was a genius, surely he could figure this out.
"Maybe it's a typo." Happy added, coming to look at the screen with Toby, both trying to figure it out.
"Maybe it was supposed to say FWS, Fish and Wildlife Service?" Sylvester joined.
Paige, trying to focus on her paperwork, peeked up, unable to take it anymore.
"Guys! She doesn't work for the NSA… or the fish whatever…" Suddenly five sets of confused eyes turned to look at her. Sighing again, she put her folder down. "NSA…? FWB…? Seriously?" No reaction. "None of you?! You're geniuses. Wow. Okay. Walter, sorry, but she's… not your type."
"Why would you say that?"
"She doesn't want to date you. She wants to…" she trailed off, but seeing still that no one was getting it, continued. "She wants to… do… you. Sex, Walter. She is just looking for sex."
"How did you get that from working for the NSA?" Sylvester asked, trying hard to understand despite his sudden discomfort.
"It's not the NSA. It's no strings attached. As in relationship free. FWB? Friends with benefits." Walter having no understanding of the benefits made her head hurt. "Benefits is the sex part, Walter. She wants your body. That's all. Not a relationship. She wants you to be her booty call."
"These are all things that no one has ever spoken to me. Ever."
"And how do you know these things, Paige?" Toby teased, again Walter fidgeting uncomfortably.
"Because I am a single woman who has used those sites. It's a cesspool. Finding someone who has genuine interest and isn't crazy, is next to impossible."
"I didn't know you were on dating sites!" Toby practically jumped with excitement.
"Uh, yeah, that's because I'm not. It's a nightmare. I'm with Cabe now. Single forever before I dive back into that hellhole."
Walter, for only the briefest of seconds, seemed saddened by her acceptance of being single forever. He never should have let her leave that night they'd kissed.
"You'll find the right guy, when the time is right, sweetheart." Cabe encouraged, making her smile sweetly, before turning back to Walter.
"Walter, maybe just… skip profiles that clearly aren't... for you. Anything with acronyms is a good start. Anyone with their boobs on display. Anyone asking what your star sign is. Dirty bathroom mirror selfies…"
Walter nodded, clicking away and moved to another profile. His eyes widened slightly.
"This woman's username is... 'SkankyNancy86.'"
Paige's head snapped up.
"Oh, no."
Sylvester looked horrified.
"Please don't click it. I'm begging you."
Walter, curious like a cat, and being encouraged by the tapping of Toby's hand to his shoulder, clicked it. Immediately, a flood of images and words filled the screen. A half-second later, a graphic nude photo popped up in his inbox.
The garage exploded into chaos.
"Whoa! 'Hey there hot stuff. Like what you see?'" Toby yelped, moving over to get a better look before Happy smacked him, hard, on the back of the head. "Ow! I have to analyze the psychological aspects!"
"Shut up, perv." Happy muttered.
Paige jumped up instinctively, fighting the impulse to shield Walter's eyes like he was a child.
"Oh my God, Walter, close it! Close it right now!"
Walter, completely unfazed, simply tilted his head, analyzing the photo with a perplexed frown, along with the other men.
"Why would someone send an unsolicited image of their naked body to a stranger? This seems like an ineffective way to establish a meaningful connection."
"Frequent occurrence." Paige mumbled.
Cabe, walking away to the coffee machine, shook his head.
"See? Stay single."
"I know I don't have a lot of experience with the female body, but uh… is it supposed to look like… that?" Sylvester gasped out, mortified, to which Toby shook his head in a terrifying no.
Paige reached over and snatched the mouse from Walter, frantically clicking out of the chat.
"You're done. All done. No more online dating."
Walter looked at her, baffled.
"Paige, I need to understand social norms if I'm ever to improve myself to--"
Be with you.
"You do not need to see that to improve yourself!" She shot back, closing his laptop for good measure.
Toby, still rubbing the back of his head, grinned.
"Walt, buddy, welcome to the wild world of online dating. Where self-respect goes to die and dignity is optional."
Sylvester looked physically ill.
"I can't believe people do this. I'm going to go bleach my eyes."
Walter sighed, rubbing his chin.
"Perhaps my efforts are better spent… elsewhere."
Paige, still flustered, shot Toby a glare.
"This is your fault for encouraging him."
Toby held up his hands.
"Hey, I didn't know we were diving into the deep end of the naked internet."
Walter, still processing, looked to Paige.
"Are you saying I should stop searching for a romantic partner this way?"
Paige hesitated, forcing herself to smile encouragingly, even though her chest felt tight.
"I'm just saying… maybe you don't need to… force it. The right person will come along… naturally."
Walter studied her for a long moment, something flickering behind his eyes.
"Perhaps you're right."
Paige let out a breath, relieved… until Toby muttered under his breath.
"And perhaps, she's already here."
Happy smacked him again.
Later that night, Paige sat on her couch, wrapped in a blanket, her laptop balanced on her knees. She stared at the dim glow of the dating site, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. She told herself she was just curious, curious about what kind of women were out there, curious about what kind of women Walter was interested in.
Definitely not jealous. Nope. Not at all.
Before she could second-guess herself, she impulsively created a new profile on the same site Walter had been using. Filling it out felt both embarrassing and strangely liberating. Single mom, loves music, enjoys good conversation, strong coffee, and walking the beach at night. It was vague but honest.
As she made it, it occurred to her that Walter was trying to move on. Maybe, she should too. Maybe something could come of this.
Scrolling through profiles quickly became exhausting, however. Every man she looked at seemed... wrong. Too serious, too goofy, too into CrossFit, or too much of a 'world traveler' for her liking. And none of them came close to what she was looking for. None of them were a six foot tall, olive skinned Irish genius.
Her heart sank at that realization, but before she could dwell on it, she scrolled once more... and then froze.
Walter.
His face, his sharp features, his perfectly pressed button-down shirt in a photo she was pretty sure Sylvester had taken when he wasn't paying attention. He looked awkward as Walter always did in photos, but handsome, and his profile description was so perfectly him, a strange mix of science jargon, efficiency, and awkward honesty.
I am highly intelligent with an IQ of 197, but my EQ is a work in progress. Seeking an intellectually stimulating conversation, preferably without illogical abbreviations. Bonus if you know the difference between affect and effect. Working hard to improve on my human connections, to be worthy of being a suitable partner.
Paige swallowed hard, her mouse hovering over the screen.
A partner for who?
Swipe left or swipe right?
A sigh escaped her lips as she chewed on the inside of her cheek. If she swiped left, it meant she was really moving on, putting any romantic thoughts of Walter out of her mind, and the realm of possibility. If she swiped right... it meant she wasn't ready to let go, and he would know she was still harboring feelings for him, despite their agreement to remain friends, risking that.
She stared at the screen, frozen in indecision.
--
Meanwhile, at the garage...
Walter sat at his desk, sleeves rolled up, laser-focused on the laptop screen in front of him. His earlier failures ate at him. He had to figure this out. He would figure this out.
He needed to get this right, so he would be ready… for her. For when the opportunity arose with her.
He'd spent the last hour refining his messaging strategy based on behavioral analysis and linguistic data. He now understood that complimenting symmetry, while scientifically valid, was perhaps not the most socially acceptable route, he learned that quality was better than quantity in terms of finding people who were genuinely interested, versus just swiping right on anyone that would give him the time of day.
"Be more personable…" He muttered to himself, adjusting his approach.
So, as he scrolled through a fresh wave of potential matches, he found himself swiping left. Over and over. No one met his criteria. No one compared to... her.
Paige.
Just as he considered shutting the whole thing down, his screen refreshed.
And there she was.
Walter's eyes widened, his hand tightening around the mouse. Paige's profile picture was casual but stunning, her warm smile, her expressive eyes. She looked effortlessly beautiful, and his heart did something uncharacteristically erratic in his chest.
He scanned her profile quickly, seeing it had the 'new user' flag. She had just created this.
Single mom, loves music, enjoys good conversation, strong coffee, and walking the beach at night.
A small smile tugged at his lips. He could practically hear her voice saying it. His mouse hovered over the options.
Swipe left or swipe right?
His mind spun in conflicting directions. Swiping right meant admitting something to himself, admitting something to her. Telling her he wanted more. That he had been wrong to push her away. Swiping left meant... ignoring everything he already knew deep down. But preserving their friendship, their working relationship.
Walter O'Brien was not a man accustomed to indecision, and yet, here he was, staring at the screen, paralyzed.
And Paige, miles away, was doing the exact same thing.
Left… or right…