"Why did I do that?!" she cried. The magnanimity of her actions sank in deeper than the hangover she suffered that morning. The shame was almost too much for words!

She used him...

She was so lonely that she... used him. How awful!

She was so intoxicated that she let him finish inside her. How reckless!

A-and tying her nasty sock on his face ... what was she thinking?!

She spent hours in the hot spring scrubbing Obanai off from on and inside her body, only to feel just as dirty as when she woke up. Mitsuri desperately wanted to apologize but lacked the courage for a face-to-face meeting. And as the weeks passed and she received no letters or messages from him, her mind truly spiraled:

Did he hate her? Did she ruin their relationship? Why hasn't he visited? Did he not care? Was she wrong in thinking he did?! Why did she do that?

All these questions consumed her mind like wildfire, and her anxiety was like firewood fueling it well beyond her control. Even more horrifying was the stomach-churning, nightmare-inducing, hair-whitening, anxiety she felt each day when her crimson tide didn't come.

She was an absolute mess- unable to look anyone in the eye. She jumped when Muichiro pointed out one of her braids had come undone and when Tomioka said her laces were untied she yelped like a puppy and ran away. Both pillars were far more absent-minded than herself, so the fact they noticed she was off and felt the need to say something made her worry what the more perceptive pillars thought.

She feared Shinobu most, unlike herself, Shinobu was very intelligent and being the only other female hashira they talked- frequently. Mitsuri knew one look from shinobu would unravel her making her spill the beans on what happened. So she avoided her as much as possible opting to go home after meetings.

As soon as the sun rose next morning, she slid open her door to run to the training grounds. She couldn't stay cooped up forever, she had to leave to train at the very least and if it was early enough she coukd avoid the traffic.

She slides the fusuma doors closed gently and was about to break into a sprint when she noticed it— a box on her step. One without a note. She stared at it, before picking it up and opening it to reveal they were Sakura rice cakes! Both her heart and stomach fluttered simultaneously.

...Iguro? Did he leave these here?

When that possibility entered her headspace, she felt queasy at first, but then strangely... glad. Yes, happy even. Maybe she hasn't ruined their relationship after all?

She returned inside and ate every rice cake savoring the thoughtful gesture before running back out to the training grounds feeling rejuvenated.

Maybe I should send a crow and ask him to meet and talk... as hashira we're bound to meet at some point-

"Kanroji!" came a booming voice that sent a surge of electricity through her body, halting her. She recognized the voice immediately and despite his lie, she coukdnt help the butterflies in her stomach the very instant she saw him waving at her.

"Rengoku?!"Finally, he had returned from his sabbatical back to the Demon Slayer corps.

"Can I talk to you?" He beckoned her to follow him.

—

"I am truly sorry, Kanroji." OK, not a good start. Those were 5 words she absolutely did not want to hear.

"A-are you sorry you can't accompany me to eat or is it... something else?" they both knew the answer but she had to ask.

"I am sorry I was not truthful, it's just..." he stared at the trees as if they'd help him form a proper explanation. She almost stopped him, but decided hearing his rejection wouldn't be the worst thing she's had to endure this month. How much damage could it do? Like throwing a cup of water in the ocean really...

"It's just... I don't know..." He turns suddenly "Why do you care so much about me, Mitsuri?" he asks.

She stared. "Uh..."

That's strange... he should already know the answer, but...

... her heart beat wildly.

What if he expected a different answer this time? Oh, she could kick herself for being so hopeful but she had to give it one last shot. She takes a deep breath channeling Iguro's advice.

"You know why Kyojuro... It's because I adore you more than you can possibly imagine," she looks him in the eye at first, but her courage wanes and her eyes drift to the ground fixated to her feet. "But I don't want to keep waiting anymore so could you please tell me your feelings?"

No more. No more. She just wanted to be done with it. With the possibility of death looming on any given mission, she can't waste what will probably be a short life on him anymore. If only she had confessed earlier, she could've redirected her energy towards a new man instead of wasting time on this pointless—

—He kisses her.

Wait huh?!

Rengoku actually kissed her! In broad daylight! With people visibly around to see! Her eyes bug out. He pulls back and looks to the treeline again, "You still believe I'm a shining example even though my behavior just now was..." he tilted his head, "... uncouth."

Like Iguro, her mouth remained slack-jawed unable to find her voice. She can't believe he actually made a move and it positively made her heart soar. In fact, if she didn't breathe soon she might pass out at his feet.

"Rengoku!" The girls from the butterfly mansion interrupted them. "You're back!" Aoi, Sumi, Naho, Kiyo wave excitedly. Kanao trailed behind staring at the sky with a faint smile on her face at a flock of birds flying overhead.

He moves his head down and whispers in Kanroji's ear that he wants to reconvene at the ramen shop for lunch. She nods dumbly and heads to the training grounds.

—-

"Chef! Another please!"

She orders her a 5th bowl of ramen while slurping down her 4th joyfully (5 bowls is nothing after all, she'll still have plenty of room to eat when he arrives). She was so high on cloud 9 her smile was infectious, even the chef had a big grin on his face, making everyone around them want to smile in return. How perfect! Nothing could bring her down right now. Nothing—

"I take it Rengoku came around?"

"Iguro!?" She jolted, shouting his name like he were a ghost! She wasn't expecting him, not like this! She was so caught up in her thoughts she didn't notice him take a seat beside her.

She bowed her head so quickly she banged it on the table with a loud CRRRACK then flung her head up at a dizzying pace covering her forehead with both hands.

"OW! I-I'm sorry about what happened! OWOW! I was drunk!" No that sounds like a terrible excuse!

"N-no, what I meant was... I was... I was..."

...In despair? Upset? Lonely?

"...I was wrong," she settles with, "I was wrong for doing that...it was a mistake!" She bows again hands on her forehead. He waited a few seconds to make sure she was done, it's best to let Kanroji speak before offering a rebuttal otherwise the conversations become an apology ping-pong match.

But he wasn't nearly as bothered.

"Kanroji, it's fine. Really." he leans his cheek into the palm of his hand, placing an elbow on the table with a bemused twinkle in his eye. "You're usually an exceptionally positive person." he reasons, "I knew you were upset that night so I stayed. The rest was..." his eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly, "Forget about it. I'm glad you're back to normal." he faced forward and left it at that.

He's not mad? That's it? All is forgiven? He's forgiving me?

"I-Iguro I..."

"Hey," He holds his fingers up to signal the chef, "Get her more sides, will you? She's almost done and will need about 3 more." He turns to Kanroji, "Whatever you want, it's on me."

She must've looked like her soul left her body. She must've looked absolutely ridiculous because she felt ridiculous sweating profusely in her seat. She tried discreetly motioning to the chef NOT to carry out the order. Not only did she feel she didnt deserve it but she didn't want Iguro to be a 3rd wheel on her ... date...? Is it a date? She wasn't sure, but if it was then—

"Well, well isn't this a pleasant surprise!" Oh My God! She jumped again at Rengoku's thunderous voice. "Iguro will you be joining us?" Rengoku asked.

Mitsuri tried protesting but Iguro overrode her attempts replying in the affirmative adding that he would pay her bill too.

"Well, excellent!" Kyojuro smiles, elated. "More company is always welcome!" Sometimes she wishes she was a meaner person so she could shout at the boys to stop running circles around her like this. It was apparent now she had lost to her eccentric male colleagues.

She watched Rengoku talk incessantly to the chef before looking in the opposite direction at Iguro whose cheek was still in the palm of his hand facing the window like he always did. She wondered if he truly was ok. She certainly hoped her lingering guilt, she was happy he came. If this was genuine then this was the best resolution she could hope for. She was happy that he still cared at all.

When the chef brought out more sides, she pulled his sleeve to get his attention to offer him some dumplings and to her surprise he accepted. She smiled radiantly when he did, her full teeth on display. Even Kaburamaru was excited, slithering up her arm and resting on her shoulder too.

It seemed he really had forgiven her. He wasn't acting weird at all, still talking to her like nothing had changed.

Her smile shined bright as the sun as the three of them ate together.

When Rengoku escorted her home, her face hurt from smiling so much. He bid her farewell and actually gave her a peck on the cheek that made her weak in the knees. The day turned out to be amazing, beginning with that box of rice cakes this morning, (and her tide came back too, she squealed like a pig when it did).

The jitters of excitement made it almost impossible to sleep unable to wait for what tomorrow had in store.

The next couple days with Rengoku followed the same routine: training, talking, eating, more training, more eating and then he escorted her home. The affection hadn't escalated beyond pecks on the cheek, but she was absolutely fine with it. The next few days stayed the same, but on the 5th day, things changed. She couldn't quite place her finger on it, but when Rengoku escorted her home, he stiffened when she offered a nightcap saying he needed to get back quickly. At first, she attributed it to the rules that weren't actually rules but that wasn't it because when she reminded him how he forgot to kiss her good night ... he said he'd take a raincheck on it.

"But Kyojuro don't you have a patrol tomorrow?"

He hesitated briefly, "Yes, of course! Of course!" He rubbed his head.

Odd...

She worried she was being pushy about the nightcap, so she let it go. But when he returned from his mission 2 days later he was noticeably more subdued. The romantic gestures from earlier that week dropped considerably and he responded to her as if they were master and pupil again, not friends, not equals as pillars but with a similar level of professionalism the hashira had with master Ubuyashiki.

What happened? Kyojuro wasn't being ... dishonest. He remained playful and friendly, petting her head as usual. But he wasn't... going all the way. Was this his first relationship? Perhaps he couldn't discern the difference between platonic and romantic gestures? Given his upstanding nature, it made sense.

She had to do something. She had to save her relationship. She's worked too hard and waited too long for the perfect man to accept her. Now FINALLY that man has come and she can't maintain his happiness? It's an absolute disgrace! Leaving a man dissatisfied is a cardinal sin among sins for a woman... at least where she came from.

So she hatches a plan in her mind.

Next day after their usual walk, she requested his assistance in her garden.

"Of course Kanroji, lead the way!" She smiled and led him by the hand behind her building. He blinked at first, wrestling his hand from her grasp saying she didn't need to, but she insisted and held his hand anyway. He lets her but with noticeable reservations.

At this point, a sinking feeling took root in her gut at what his behavior bode for her. But unless he explicitly stated his desire to withdraw, she would proceed with her plan.

Once in the garden, he asked what issue she needed assistance with and that's when she placed her hands on his shoulders sliding them up and down in a harmless but typifying display of affection.

Man, If she thought him stiffening from the nightcap was bad his reaction when she caressed him was met with the same consternation he reserved for demons! He flew backwards like she set his shoulders on fire realizing too late he'd cornered himself into admitting there was a problem.

"I thought you wanted this." She said. His face fell ever so slightly into shame, his adam's apple bobbed as he tried to swallow what was probably the toad lodged in his throat.

"It isn't you Mitsuri, I assure you." She couldn't believe it, Kyojuro Rengoku the flame hashira, was afraid! And not a little nervous but visibly shaken to tell her his honest opinion — OK forget the sinking feeling it quickly morphed into a full-blown anchor in her stomach.

"Then there is something wrong, please tell me!" She hoped pleading would compel him to be frank, but instead he withdrew further. "I... just don't..." he cleared his throat and looked her in the eye, "I just don't feel that I am ready."

"Ready?" she parroted uncomprehendingly.

"For this." He gestures to her body with open palms, "I never..."

Never? He's never what? She blinks, looking down at herself, before something clicks.

"Oh! Oh! I understand!" She sighed a breath of relief, hand on her chest, even chuckles a bit at that revelation. Oh, he's just inexperienced!

"Here, I know just the thing." He gives a baffled expression when she turns around, backing into him wrapping both his hand around her chest.

"KANROJI!" he shouts loudly. She cowered in fear thinking a demon was nearby. He only ever used that tone in battle! She sat on her haunches, hands covering her head, wondering if an attack was coming. But when nothing happened, she peeked through her fingers at him for an explanation. Somehow his bug eyes widened to the point of saucers staring as the palms of his hands flexing them a bit as if to test. "Rengoku? Why did you—"

"—I'm sorry Kanroji!" he drops to the ground bowing on his hands and knees repentant, "I am sorry, but I cannot do this! I cannot ...accept you. I am sorry! I know how you feel about me and I know my actions caused the current predicament we are in, I wanted to give it a shot, but I can't."

He was rejecting her...?

Rengoku was rejecting her?! The anchor swelled in her guts.

"I can be better! Please tell me what I can do, Kyojuro! Please don't..." She stopped herself from finishing if only to avoid further embarrassment. Her pleas did shake him, his voice actually wavered in response.

"Listen Kanroji, Iguro told me how upset you were and how I could make amends." He pauses to gauge her reaction.

"What? Iguro did?" her expression was what he expected: mouth agape, eyes glassy as if she could cry at any moment, so he speaks quickly, "Yes, we spoke when I returned so I decided to ask you to ... be with me. But I realize now, that I can't. Please forgive me." he says and keeps his forehead to the ground.

It was like those stories she heard as a child about self-fulfilling prophecies. How the things you feared most manifest exactly how you imagined BECAUSE you imagined they would. She hated to admit it...but deep down she knew the sudden kiss he gave her last week was... off. He never showed any interest before, but now suddenly he does?

No...

Even before all this,she told Iguro she wanted to give up her pursuit, Though in her bliss, she rescinded on it at Kyojuro's sudden confession. But now she regrets not holding firm to her decision because once again, she found herself at the tail-end of another brutal rejection.

She felt... stupid.

So, so stupid...

Always stupid.

Never enough for anybody...

Her lips quivered, but she could do nothing except try to make Kyojuro feel better about a situation she never should've allowed in the first place as this rejection morphed from cup in the ocean to capsizing ship in the middle of a cyclone.

But she needed him to know it wasn't his fault. She needed him to be ok. So she says the words she knew he needed to hear.

"I forgive you."

.

.

.

Next chapter:

"-Kanroji you have to STOP!" he commands, raising his hand to show he was serious.'