"You know Iguro. When I was a little girl, I would've given anything to be normal like everyone else,"
They say life's too short to spend alone… At least that's the excuse Iguro used to justify staying over Kanroji's when he should've gone home. But once conversation began he couldn't stop from opening up about himself. Maybe it was because it was Kanroji-the most empathetic soul hes ever met in his life-that he didn't feel burdened or depressed by talking.
well, until she confessed wistfully how she felt 'less-than' for her gifts. Her remark sank his soul to his stomach, forcing him to look away. "You wanted to be spiteful, petty and dishonest?"
She faltered. "No I meant–wait… you don't really believe that, do you? Not everybody is like that," she said, exchanging sadness for concern.
"Yes, they are," he mumbles, turning his entire body away. At least in his experience… His experience before her. He palms his forehead in aggravation realizing he was being macabre and turns back with an expression he prays looked hopeful, "Though I suppose there are exceptions..."
…Like you Mitsuri.
She smiles brightly. "That's right!"
As the night went on, he conjured more excuses to stay; to continue living the dream for as long as after Kanroji cried in his arms. He didn't want to leave her alone like this, so he offered to stay with her for as long as she wanted— all night if need be. It was innocent, at the time. He truly meant 'to talk' not...
"Is the bed ok?"
... not this...
Every hair on his neck stood on edge when she leaned in and whispered that she wanted him to sleep with her. When her words reached his ears they rang. His head pounded with blood like a taiko drum in his skull. The way her eyes stared dreamily into his own foisted him into an awkward flashback; A conversation between Tengen and Rengoku, that Iguro happened upon. Tengen, as always, badgered Rengoku about marrying Kanroji after he turned down one of her offers to eat together. The flame pillar countered that Kanroji didn't want to be married to him and was just being nice as she always is which shifted conversation to the topic of intimacy.
Tengen, of course, looked at the flame pillar as if he were stupid, snorting pretentiously. "Rengoku, Kanroji wants you." He says giving Rengoku an expression that screamed, 'I'm surrounded by virgins'. "She gives you 'the look'. Everbody knows when a woman gives a man 'the look', she wants him." When Rengoku asked him 'what look'. Tengen proudly smiled and said 'you'll know it when you see it'.
Iguro didn't get quite get it. Kanroji always gave looks that could easily be misconstrued as 'romantic'. Reason he knew Kanroji liked Rengoku at all, was because everybody else talked about it. Including Kanroji herself. Until now... NOW He knew without a doubt what Tengen meant, being on the receiving end of her drunken state. Kanroji has never looked at Obanai like this before; blushing rouge-red, licking her lips, eyes half-lidded and unwavering and... and… something else he was too afraid to label.
"Ohh, uh, I thought y-you meant... I -I mean I can stay but..." His self-consciousness took over as he stumbled and bumbled over what he wanted to say, but his actions only made her sensuality heighten. She came closer. "No, don't... I-I couldn't, Mitsuri...!" He tried again. He didn't even understand why he was acting this way. He's dreamed about her-about this so many times (embarrassingly so).
Her saying that she wanted him in his dreams no matter tha context made him feel a joy he never thought he could ever feel... until he woke up. But his dreams were also under perfect conditions, not in drunken depression.
In this idyllic world she willfully gave up on Rengoku and wanted Iguro, it as a back-up but as a partner. Things went slow and he was able to savor the affections, not pretend he didn't have any. But now that the reality was coming true... it felt rushed and desperate and...wrong. He had to stop this. She was just... lonely. Yes. Lonely. And he just happened to be here. That's what he rationalized. And so He couldn't take it further. She'd undoubtedly be disappointed. Counterintuitive as it was, he wanted-no, needed kyojuro to take her so iguro could stop dreaming.
Stop obsessing.
Stop... desiring her.
He wanted her to deny him so he could go back to the shadows ... supporting her from afar while she pursued a healthy relationship with someone much better than himself. Because in the end she held more in common with rengoku. They'd be good together. Because in the end obanai and Mitsuri were far too different, the signs would never align for him—for either of them.
"Iguro. Just tell me what you want." she says in that sensual sweet voice.
He swallows. Instead of giving her his long-winded, drunken and very conflicting explanation he had in his mind, he asked her what she wanted from him instead.
Safer this way.
That's when she leaned into his ear and whispered something that shattered everything he had thought. Like the soft bells of a wedding ringing in the distance her desire gave him hope that perhaps he was wrong about his inner musings.
"I want you inside me. Become one with me, iguro."Is exactly what she whispered in his ear that night.
His brain went into survival mode. leave…. leave…. leave…you're not worthy, iguro- you know you aren't. Think of Kyojuro, think of kanrojis future being with a spiteful creature such as yourself. Think! What could you reasonably offer her? She's stronger, taller, more agile, better spirited, good-hearted, kind loving... everything you're not!
But try as he might, his body wouldn't move. Like A rhapsody that melted all inhibitions and concerns, the angel on his shoulder. The one that told him he was enough reminded him how fortuitous he was, that his dream had come true.
She's beautiful isn't she Iguro?
Her face. Her voice. Her body. Her hair. Her kindness. Her smile. Fuck, even her swordplay, beautiful.
No one has ever uttered sweeter words to him. He felt it in his chest to act and not think and so before he even knew what he was doing, or could stop himself, he gave her his answer. His heart's answer, not his mind, and kisses her.
I choose you! It has to be you, Mitsuri. I want you... I want all of you!
It was perfect! She asked him to stay. She asked him to talk. And She asked him to fuck her too.
She did, not him.
They made it to her bedroom. A western style bed, one that smelled of cherry blossoms as she did. So like Kanroji. But it was after she shoved him onto her bed that he realized something was wrong — really wrong.
His hands clasped his face- hot, scarred and exposed; memories instantly flooded his brain of his ugliness, both inside and out. he remembered the last time he acted selfishly. And the calamity that lies in wake. The death. The condemnation. The fate of his clan as his cousin's voice screamed. "You got everyone killed!"
He fell apart quickly. Because history taught him, rules taught him, that when Obanai Iguro acted selfishly—people died. Would this decision lead her to ruin too?! He didn't want that! If that was the fate that befell her too, then—He didn't deserve chest constricted as the panic wracked his body. He was so scared. Terrified that these feelings, if he were to make them known, would crush her. His real self, if she were to ever know it, would destroy her and make her curse him...
She'd hate him...
She'd hate what she saw. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him... She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him. She'd hate him!
She would!
The visual and auditory hallucinations of ghosts long passed, taunted him, clung to him from beyond the grave, attempting to drag him to hell. Vaguely, He could hear Kanroji's voice, like a faint echo atop a very mountain, so, so very far away... telling him something. Something he couldnt quite understand because it wasnt enough to drown out the ghosts.
Until felt something. It was warm and soft.
It was her.
She tied her sock around his mouth, repurposing the gift he had given her in the most amazing display of compassion he's ever seen. Just like the first time they met whe he fell in love head over heels, she prioritized his feelings saved him with her gentle kindness. The hallucinations dissipated. Completely. And he found himself back in Her room again. He was free.
Didn't think it was possible to love someone this badly. He was so unfathomably grateful to her for doing that for a lowly creature like him that he felled him back into that stupidity-pit, now a stupidity-abyss in which he had no hope of ever climbing out of.
There was no changing it. She permanently carved herself into his soul. He'd die loving her. The socks weren't enough. He needed to give her more.
Iguro thought, She asked me to become one with her, so if that's what she wanted, then….
He took his clothes off slowly, his hands shaking like a leaf. He'd never done this before and was terrified she would be displeased by... well any number of things: what he said or didn't say, how he performed or didn't perform, his physique or lack thereof but most cumbersome, his lack of confidence in himself that he could please her. He couldn't help but think it was all a big mistake. But still he askedd her- just short of begging- to keep going so long as she was comfortable; he wanted to keep going.
He said nothing the entire time. No compliments. No questions. Just bit his lips anxiously as she eased down on top of him.
He almost fainted.
No, seriously, he had to use total concentration breathing just to stay in the game because Kanroji was not just tight. She was unyielding, her muscles were so fine-tuned it almost hurt him to be inside her like this.
He didn't last long at all.
Though belatedly that he realized he shouldn't have emptied inside her but the strength of her body wrung his member dry before he could ever think to voice anything akin to a protest. It literally sucked the soul out of him until She passes out on top of him with both their essences oozing out together. He doesn't move. He lays there with her until the after-nut comedown hit him and her breathing became rhythmic. It took a minute to gather the shattered remains of his wits, with the alcohol working against him. But like shards of broken glass he pieced the. together enough to realize he needed to go.
Only then did he feel safe enough to move her. He puzzles her off and puts his clothes back on.
He wanted to stay, — Gods he wanted to — but the after-nut effect tengen always harped on and on about, made him realize just how BAD it would look if one of the butterfly sisters knocked on the door. He couldn't besmirch Kanroji like that. So he left. But before he did he took one last glance at her sleeping face.
She seemed happy. Really happy. He doesn't think he imagined it. She was happy.
And now that he made his feelings for her known he was happy too.