02/08
Having Shuten as your pseudo Servant is a pain in my ass. Sure, being in the Fate universe means that you want to have a Servant but even then, there are just some people you don't want. Yes, she's not going to just kill me willy-nilly, but having to deal with her fleeting desires is not something anyone wants. To be honest, I don't even know who is the master and Servant in this relationship since I'm practically serving her more than she does me.
Not only that, I'm also starting to teach a few of the other servants how to do hibachi cooking, though it was kind of surprising how many came. Sure, it's mainly the cooking staff, like Boudica and Tamamo, but you got a few others like Scheherazade and Nero, though I can figure out some of them were more into it to try and show it to the twins to one-up each other.
Scheherazade was mostly into it because it was unique, and she wanted to see if she could incorporate it with her Skills. I did chuckle and said I'd hope that I'll be the first to see it, which made her giggle. The class had shenanigans all throughout, which was what you expect. Honestly, I was more making sure Kiyo doesn't burn the kitchen down from all the needling from people like Nero and Tamamo that is being done to her.
Still manage to wrangle the problematic ones and teach as much as I could despite the chaos, and once I was done there, I went back to my room and slept. I think I heard something about the idiot squad, but I didn't hear it properly before I went to my room.
03/08
I went towards the Director and asked why Jeffery and the other idiots aren't kicked out of here just yet.
And that's because, despite them being 'asked' to do their jobs, most of the time, if there wasn't anyone hovering over them, they would just dump it all on me or somehow make it worse.
The director commiserates that after the first purge, Chaldea was on thin ice, and while they had proof of the incompetency, the Magus from the Clocktower did not like being snubbed despite the fault lying on their own members. So for the most part, unless they did something drastic and harmful, they're here to stay until otherwise
I wasn't happy, but I wasn't going to kick up too much fuss. The director then said to me he planned to have some Servants who would now be assigned to hover over the idiots during work hours, which I didn't mind, knowing it was the best he could do as I bid him goodbye and got out of the office.
Finding Deirdre I hang out with her for the rest of the day, with me learning some runes for fun.
11/08
I'll say this much: I can kinda see why the Chaldea staff and Servants wanted to wait until the new staff like us before they got down and dirty with it. I mean, stumbling on a few compromising scenes was now part of the norm, I guess; more so were the headaches I got because of where some of them were.
Like the one male staff member having sex with Osakabehime in one of the janitor's closet where we keep the cleaning tools, or another male staff doing the deed with Drake in one of the rec rooms, or a female staff member doing some BDSM with Robin Hood of all people in the freaking gym?
And don't get me started on the Servants doing each other
Heck Gudako had a small orgy in her room with Ritsuka joining in, but they forgot to put up a sign on the door, so I walked in on Gudako having fun with the Nemos and Mordred while Ritsuka was getting freaky with Morgan in front and Astolfo in the back, if you get my drift.
Gudako tried getting me to join, but I declined seeing I was on the job… and also not really into joining an orgy even if Shuten and Quetz were doing me on a semi-regular occurrence. Anyways, I cleaned up the other places first before going back to the room, and I have to say I am freaking surprised that the place didn't stink of sex when we got here because, by God, it was a chore to clean it all up.
I'll give it to the twins, though the fact that they could handle all that affection from all the Servants here is a testament to their Ex-rank Servant affinity.
12/08
Nothing much happened, just me hanging out with Deirdre in her workshop. Though it was oddly weird that I haven't met Scáthach yet. I mean, she's probably one of the top five waifu Servants and yet I haven't met or actually seen her once, especially since she's Deirdre's Rune teacher, and yet there was no sign of her.
Which is kind of sad since I kind of want to at least meet her considering I've already met a good chunk of the Servants save for some
Though for some reason Deirdre seemed to be making me learn more Runes, and she wasn't taking no for an answer, so I was kind of stuck there for the day learning from Deirdre, and after that I was kinda, sorta, 'asked' to come learn Runes from her until she's satisfied about my progress.
…did I just shanghaied into becoming a student?
15/08
So kid duties are a little mean, yes, but all things considered, it is kinda true. So apparently there was a mission, and the twins had to take a decent amount of Servants with plenty going on standby in the Rayshift Chambers. Of which left the child servants and not enough hands to look out for them
Give you one guess who was 'volunteered' to look after them; honestly, it wasn't too hard, but having to entertain them was a skill in and of itself since I wasn't either Masters. Then an idea led to me talking about Tokusatsu and Power Rangers, which led to them dragging me to the training rooms, where they somehow got Da Vinci (Caster) since the Rider one was busy and got me to recreate some of them in the training room with its 3D recreation abilities.
Mostly on the Megazord transformations, and after choosing the Astro Megazord first transformation from Power Rangers In Space, I got them hooked on Toku and Power Rangers.
Don't know if that's a good thing or not?
Meh, a problem for future me to handle because right now I can at least geek out in using the training room to act out some childhood scenes from the shows.
17/08
Got dragged by Deirdre into our Rune lesson, and let's just say I had more fun possible there. Why? Because our 'test dummies' were Jeffery and two of the four remaining Extra Masters. See, from what I heard, they once again tried to bullshit their way into sleeping with the Servants, and again they went for the wrong target.
Because this time they tried their luck on JALTER of all people.
I cannot tell you how much my stomach hurts from laughing at that information, and suffice it to say that's how they're here now. See, after getting absolutely bodied by Jalter, Deirdre decided to be the one to administer the punishment, and so there we were, Deirdre teaching me on how to use Runes and the effects on the human body.
I'll admit it was very jarring doing this to other human beings, but after the bullshit they heaped onto me, I kinda reached a zenith of not giving a shit about them anymore.
18/08
Quetz decided to visit her home country, and I got dragged to be her chaperone. It was fun really seeing the goddess admire her country in modern times as we made it kind of a date. Sorta? Hard to tell since we're not really official since she does have fun with the other Servants while having fun with me on the regular with Shuten.
Anyways, like any good date, we were accosted by unscrupulous individuals who seemed to think that they could make a quick buck off us. After that it was us beating the crap out of them, which in turn escalated just a tinsy, tiny bit, not much really, honestly.
I mean, we certainly didn't burn down half the known drug houses in the city, nor did we wage war on all the cartels there, and we most certainly did not create an uprising to dispose of all the gang members and politicians in the pocket of gang members, and we most certainly did not tear the entire government infrastructure down and rebuild it back up, no sirree.
I mean, it's ridiculous, really. I mean, who would believe two people could do all that in one day, huh? I mean, come on, that's something that only happens in movies and comics. Hahahahahaha...
Side note: You can get your hips broken when having really rough sex by a literal goddess who got horny after the 'pure, simple, and VERY normal' date.
19/08
Well, I got punished for a week for yesterday's debacle, which is unfair, I tell you. I swear we didn't do any of that no matter what proof they have.
Still, I took my punishment like a man, no matter how unfair it was, though I certainly was cursing the Director for this. Tesla and Edison were a pain when they were always in close proximity, especially when these two were together in a lab cooking some crazy invention while bitching to one another.
Helena wasn't here to calm these two down because she's getting a 'break' right now, and this guy right here is her replacement.
At least I only got a funky hairstyle from a stray electric shot when I was done, so I count that as a win.
23/08
Welp, I guess I know what it's like being deaf, and if Nero or Elizabeth asked you to judge their singing, you don't just say no; YOU SAY HELL TO THE FUCKING NO! and damn the consequences
Or if nothing else, only get one of them and kick the stone to another idiot, or in this case, drag Jeffery and the other idiots in because misery likes company.
24/08
Shuten heard about my punishment and had magnanimously decided that I will serve her for the day. In this case, a bit more literally, and god, she is a literal pain in the ass, serving her alcohol nearly nonstop with the other ONIs, Celts minus Scáthach, and the pirates. If that wasn't enough, they got so drunk that they also started having a literal orgy in the room while I was in there.
…I didn't join in only because I'm still not ready for that kinda thing just yet, and I really do not need to see other male genitals as long as I live, so I stayed near Shuten, who seemed to enjoy my uneasiness before dragging me elsewhere so she could ride me until I passed out.
Can't say if that was a good thing or not.
28/08
You know, it's surprising that I managed to find myself going this long and not get directly dragged into the full Chaldea shenanigans experience. I mean, I've dealt with smaller stuff like my hibachi class and yesterday's punishment, but I've never really been in the thick of it all, to be honest.
My sorta date with Quetz notwithstanding, BECAUSE NOTHING HAPPENED.
So, about three days ago, I was doing my punishment by helping the two Da Vincis on the biweekly maintenance on the Rayshift Chambers in Chaldea.
It was easy enough; the two Servants would be checking up on the software and systems while I handled the wires and hatches, making sure all of them were running smoothly. Suddenly a flying stray Cu broke through the wall and crashed onto the machinery that controls the Rayshift.
Don't think I need to tell you what happens next, right?
Anyways, my ass and the two Da Vincis were flung into a random Rayshift teleportation (note to self: make sure to create a shit ton of the "Lancer Ga Shinda" memes and send them to everyone in Chaldea).
We crash-landed in Texas, and after a somewhat hectic trek, we managed to find the town to get our bearings in. Apparently we were in the county of Waxahachie around the 2000s, and while we did get some odd looks, Caster Vinci managed to hypnotize a few people so we could temporarily stay in the nearby hotel.
After that was getting to a nearby computer to get an idea of this world; suffice it to say we didn't get much considering the computers here were what you'd expect from this time period. All we got was nothing special with how normal this world was, and with information not as vast as it was in our time, it was hard to tell if any supernatural element existed in this world.
We spent a little time "acquiring" some money from the local unsavory "residents" when we came upon a weird place. The Vincis noted something odd and tracked the source to the abandoned building where an egocentric dumbass by the name of Squid lives in. He was what you'd expect for a dumbass around this time, punkish-looking with the stupid blue hair, horrible smell, more ego than brains, and kind of drugged out of his mind.
His place was a near pigsty with trash and posters everywhere, TVs and computer screens with shows of whatever he fancied in a corner, and in serious need of an air freshener; he tried the tough act, but Rider Vinci sat his ass down while Caster hacked his setup. As I look on, I got a bit of a tingling sensation, like something in the back of your mind, but you just quite not figure it out just yet.
Rider had Squid hypnotize for info, and Caster was getting something from the ancient computers.
As I walk around trying to get this nagging sensation figured out before someone punched my face and sent me flying into his metal shelf. Have to admit, I never had my bell rung besides from Qutez, but it was sure damn close.
And my eyes bugged out seeing Michael Jai White walking out of the shadows like a badass; my brain zeroed out for a second before Caster blasted his ass through one of the walls. I quickly got up and joined up with the Vincis. I'll admit maybe Quetz did something right when she had me as her wrestling partner because I avoided Michael Jai White from ripping my head off as he dragged me away from the Vincis in a close-quarters fight.
I'll admit fighting one of my favorite kung fu stars wasn't on my bingo list, and suffice it to say it wasn't something I would recommend. He was faster, stronger, and had better reactions than I did, which made me suspect some kind of enhancement. Don't get me wrong; I was also enhanced in a way, but mine is just around the peak of a normal person, and Michael was breaking through concrete with his bare hands.
The only reason I wasn't dead just yet was me getting my ass handed to me by Qutez almost every day and Rider Vinci taking potshots in the narrow corridor.
I was only saved when Michael Jai White decided to retreat for some reason, before I could question it. Rider Vinci quickly hauled my ass on her roller skates away from the building and met up with Caster Vinci before the whole building exploded.
Caster didn't get Squid out, which I'll admit put a little sour mood in me for a bit as we quickly got away from the site before the police showed up. Once we were in the clear, the two told me what they found; apparently, Michael Jai White is an AI called SETH who implanted himself in what Squid describes as a 'perfect' body, nano-enhanced with muscle fiber almost 5 times that of a normal human being with the reactions and body coordination to match.
Again there was that nagging feeling in my brain as the two describe the whole thing, and it wasn't until they said something about Universal Soldiers that my brain finally clicked.
Like stupid idiot brain, right?
I quickly interrupted them, telling the two I know where we are. They seemed confused as I quickly explained just what kind of world we were currently in. See, Universal Soldier, or at least this one I'm familiar with, was a movie back in the late 90s starring Van Damme, who is fighting against near-unkillable super soldiers.
I went into small details that I remember, like the soldiers being able to heal by being exposed to any sufficiently cold environments. The near bulletproof armor and high-tech weaponry they have on hand, I also think they were a weapons facility that housed bioweapons as well, but I could be wrong.
I saw the gleam in their eyes, and I knew where we were heading next, which went as well as you would expect.
That is to say, after sneaking past the military cordon and infiltrating the base, I was fending off the Unisols while the two Vincis were taking everything not nailed down and some that actually were.
It was not a fun experience, I'll tell you that, especially since I forgot FUCKING GOLDBERG was in this as he speared my scrawny ass through a room. That was not a fun fight, I'll tell you that much. The only reason I won was getting him to charge at me like a bull before blinding him with a light rune and jumping out of the way so his dumbass got smacked right into a metal container; after that was me blowing his head off with an HE round from a grenade launcher.
Shame I only saw Van Damme when we were booking out of there in the van that was in the building, where minutes later the whole place explodes in flames, and I was assured by the Vincis that he and his daughter made it out safely.
After that we were on a road trip to anywhere but here, and we gladly took the head start we were given because no way in hell the government is gonna just let us off, especially after what we did.
We made our way to Mexico; somehow, don't ask, and we ran out of gas by nighttime as it stopped right in front of a club of sorts with a large neon sign saying the Titty Twister.
Now it wasn't what we expected, and normally we would've just gone in and asked the people inside for help. But two things stopped us from doing so: number one was not knowing about the surrounding area and people, and number two was we were sure that this place was home to a supernatural entity.
Why, you might say?
Well, I doubt that a building would have swarms of bats flying all over the place, and we were set upon by a small group of weird creatures.
Fun fact: Just because you're resistant to bullets doesn't mean much when you got HE rounds blowing your face off.
These vampires were learning firsthand really well; Rider and Caster were taking care of the bats while I mowed down the horde coming at us. It was like fish in a barrel; the Vincis were covering me while I made sure none of the vampires got close to us.
At least until some big-ass rat vampire tackled me to the ground, creating a large scuffle. It was only me using what Deirdre taught me that gave me even a chance of not dying by using fire Runes to burn the creepy bastard down.
It took almost forever before we managed to thin the horde enough that they all backed off, honestly just in time too when we got back up from the Rayshift and thanked whoever was out there that they sent in EMIYA of all people.
The guy busted into the club and slaughtered his way to rescue about three people left alive in there. The Da Vincis were examining some of the bodies of the vampires when Rider Vinci looked over the cliffside and was surprised that the club was built upon a massive Aztec temple.
I and the Vincis headed back and switched out for Gudako, Kirei, and Qutez, who waved at me before we headed towards the Director's office for a debrief.
I heard Quetz incinerated the whole temple after they were done, and while I wasn't sure what they found, there was no doubt it hurt her quite a bit. So I decided to cheer her up a little by inviting her with me to take care of the kids and letting her have some fun playing in the 3D room fighting in the megazords.
29/08
So, it seems like Deirdre had heard of the full details of my impromptu adventures and was none too pleased about it. Why? I don't fully know, because one moment I was done with my cleaning shift, and the next I was hauled towards the training room by Scáthach, who seemed none too pleased.
In her words, "My student's student should not have that kind of showing in combat," and then proceeded to kick my ass all over the place.
Did I piss someone off in a past life or something? I mean, sure, I get to meet one of my favorite Servant but getting the Scáthach school of concussions wasn't what I had in mind.
With how much she was smacking me in the head, I could swear I saw Deirdre's silhouette over hers during my training session.
But then again it was probably the concussion talking, and when we were done, she told me in no uncertain terms that I'll be doing this until she is satisfied with my progress.
God help me