Just a bit of a filler chapter tbh.

Chapter Thirty-One: Under pressure.

Chopping wood did more than just create firewood and materials, it was a cathartic stress relief. Especially when Elspeth could imagine a certain neck on the block. The whole debacle with Abigail had taken the rest of that afternoon to sort out. Elspeth has assured Sebastian that she didn't blame him whatsoever, and she wasn't upset at him. Buddy had returned with a piece of Abigail's skirt in his mouth but there was no blood so Elspeth wasn't too concerned. Elspeth grunted as she swung her axe, heavily splitting a log, before having to rotate the wood and swing down once more. It fell into two pieces, satisfactorily.

Elspeth exhaled, standing up straight and feeling the burn in her shoulders. 'Fuck,' she moaned to herself. That feels better, she thought, rotating her neck. Mentally, she counted what she materials she had gathered that day. 'Two, six, those ones over there make, one two, three… fifteen altogether,' she muses. 'That means I have… nearly seven hundred? Seven hundred and two perhaps?' She said as she pulled out her phone and went into her notes. She sighed. 'Still not enough,' she muttered to herself.

She was close to saving enough money, although that itself had been hard but she was determined to do it. Am I even doing the right thing? She thought. Robin had already discussed with her the cost of materials and labour, even at the reduced rate it was still going to be a fair amount. She leaned against the tree that was providing shade and sighed, rubbing her eyes. 'Would she be upset or happy?' Elspeth asked herself, quietly. It was her plan to try and help Penny and Pam have an actual home, not just some trailer. Elspeth had already got the bus line up and running once again, giving them an income. 'Yoba… I don't know… Am I doing the right thing?' She voiced the thought out loud and tried to shake her head free of the worry.

In the end, she placed her axe to the side, leaning it against the tree and began to collect her materials. The incident with Abigail had happened about four days ago and it had certainly put a stint in any further developments in her relationship with Sebastian. They had both taken a little space from one another to work on their respective jobs and tasks. Elspeth lifted a load of wood into her arms and carried it over to her wood pile. It took her several trips but she managed to gather it all. 'Hopefully the house will be built before the winter,' Elspeth mused, not enjoying the thought that Penny might have to spend another cold season in that trailer. 'Although for that to be done, I need more wood,' she sighed.

Buddy ran up to her side as she walked back towards her wood station. She scratched him behind the ear as he chuffed at her and wrowled for her attention. 'Been hunting for eggs again, have we?' She said as she spotted a feather sticking out the corner of his mouth. While her hens and ducks would lay inside their coops, there were times that they would lay outside and those could sometimes be missed by Elspeth and were then, fair game. Unless the bird was sitting on the clutch, Buddy would attempt to eat them. Buddy huffed and panted as he enjoyed his ear scratch.

'There you are,' came a familiar voice. Elspeth looked up to see Sebastian walking towards her, a thermos in his hand.

'Hey, you,' she said, feeling her chest lighten with the delight of his company. Elspeth had to admit that she had missed him for the last couple of days. She stroked Buddy's head fondly before he wandered ahead, perhaps to try and find more eggs. Elspeth moved closer to Sebastian but was a little unsure on how to greet him.

Holding up the thermos, he smiled. 'I've brought you some coffee,' he revealed. Sebastian had been sleeping in late and so she hadn't seen him in the mornings. 'Are you okay?' He steps forward and holds out his hand to her, it was bare and made Elspeth smile. She took his hand and they shared a hug; Elspeth felt a lot of tension melt away as his weight surrounded her. 'I have missed you,' Sebastian said, softly.

'I missed you, too,' Elspeth agreed. She looked up at him as he brushed her hair aside, giving her a smile. 'Thank you for the coffee,' she adds. 'Before we have a catch up or anything, can I ask you something?'

Sebastian looks at her amused and nods his head, 'of course,' he replied, a little worried as he was concerned that the question might be about a certain purple-haired annoyance. Personally, he was furious at Abigail's actions and yet, he couldn't talk about it to anyone but Elspeth. He was trying to give her space so he was feeling a little wary and overwhelmed about that whole situation, and hoped that whatever she asked was nothing mentally taxing.

'Can I sleep in your bed tonight? Or you, mine?' She asked. 'Even if you're working late, I don't mind. Just join me when you finish.'

He smiled brightly and dropped a light kiss on her forehead. 'If you're really sure that you don't mind me coming to bed late and possibly waking you,' Sebastian said, feeling bad about it already. Thank fuck for that, he thought, relieved at the subject. 'I would love for you to sleep next to me tonight,' he said, honestly; noting the small flinch that crossed her features for a brief instant. 'Actually, I came to ask you something,' he said, creating a tangent with a slight tease.

'Oh?' Elspeth said, she took his hand and led him to the bench that she had nearby. They sat down near one another. 'What's up? Is there something wrong? Is this like, a tenant issue or a friend issue or-?'

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head, 'I'll stop you from guessing,' he said placing a finger on her lips. He hesitated for a fraction of a second but physical touch was becoming more natural for him. 'I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to come swimming with me?' He asked. 'I want to introduce you to Calypso.'

She looked at him with surprise and then her face lit up with delight. 'The mermaid?!' She exclaimed, 'You want me to meet her? Is this like, a serious thing?'

Shaking his head, he laughed. 'No… no. Nothing like that,' he assured. 'It's just that… she's a part of the other side of me and seeing as well, you know all about me and my, uh,' he rolled his eyes. 'My other side,' he added, lamely. 'Fuck, I suck at this,' he sighed.

'You're adorable,' she said with a smile. 'I would love to meet her.'

-x-

'Good morning, Elspeth.'

'Good morning, Dr. Allen,' Elspeth replied with a smile. 'How are you?'

The laptop screen adjusted to the light of her room and she saw him smile, fondly. 'I am well, Elspeth. Thank you for asking, though I do believe I'm supposed to be the one asking how you are,' he replied, amused. Elspeth grinned and shrugged a shoulder. 'I do believe it's been over a month since our last appointment?'

'How was your holiday? And your daughter's wedding?' Elspeth asked, eyes full of sparkle at the prospect of finding out. Dr. Allen was an older man, close to retirement but he had a few chosen clients that he worked with. He had worked with both her mother and sister before they passed; he specialised in preparation in regards of terminal illness. It wasn't often that he took on a patient outside of his chosen field but when Kiora passed, he made an exception for the young woman.

He chuckled, 'it was beautiful.'

'To be expected,' Elspeth said as she moved in her chair to become comfortable.

'Yes, both brides were exceptionally pleased with how the day turned out, and I couldn't be prouder,' he said, honestly. 'Shall we start with today's session? Is there anything you would like to focus on?' He asked as he pulled out his notepad. 'Last time we spoke, you told me of your attempts to desensitise yourself to your birds. That you had also taken the time to regularly speak to your sister and in fact, 'opened up' to your friend, regarding her?'

Elspeth smiled a little wistfully. 'Bazz,' she clarified.

'Yes, that's right. Sebastian, I have written here. That's your nickname for him?' He asked, slipping easily into his professional role now that pleasantries were done.

'Yeah,' Elspeth nodded, comfortable. She had been attending sessions with Dr. Allen for years and while she wasn't going to tell him about the mermaids, she wouldn't try to hide things… she would just leave that out. 'The bird thing is going well, I only really freak out when they jump from the top of the coop and flap around my face,' she says, motioning with her hands. 'I tend to panic and apparently the noises that come out of me are quite funny.'

He nodded, a small smile gracing his lips. 'I'm sure,' he said, amused. 'How are you feeling about Kiora? There were come conflicted feelings in your last session.' Elspeth sighed and revealed that she had indeed had a little bit of a breakdown after the session and there were some heated words. Dr. Allen listened as she began to rant a little, making notes here and there. She seemed a lot happier in herself and certainly more content. He touched his lips briefly, 'now, there's something we touch on in every session, and this one shall certainly be no different.'

She seemed to slump in her chair and she tapped her fingers against the desk, almost annoyed. 'Do we have to?' She muttered, her good mood dwindling.

'Your reluctance is a sign that yes, we need to at least broach the subject,' he said, matter-of-factly.

Elspeth rolled her eyes. 'You're the second person in like a week to go on about this,' she said in a sigh; having rehashed it with Hayley recently when she came over to stay. Alex had finally told Hayley that he cared about her in such a way and Hayley; in her caring and bull-headed demeanour, had asked Elspeth about her own reluctance.

'Why is that?' He asked, gently, probing.

Stilling, Elspeth realised that she had shoved her foot in it. It wasn't that she was hiding her relationship but it was new and she didn't know if her psychologist was going to approve or not. Not that Dr. Allen would judge, of course, but she didn't like the idea that his thoughts could be negative. 'Uh,' she faltered.

He raised a brow, 'you do not have to tell me if you do not want to. I am here to listen and advise, to give you the correct tools to navigate any difficulties that you may be having.'

'I know, I know,' Elspeth replied, picking up her water cup that was decorated in mushrooms and had a bright red straw. She had a sip and sighed. 'I don't think it's anything bad. It's just…' Elspeth rolled her eyes at frustration of it all. 'I don't want you to think I'm being an idiot,' she said, honestly.

Dr. Allen tilted his head, 'Elspeth, I have never thought you were an idiot. I think people can make ill-advised decisions,' he explained, noting the evasive look she was displaying.

She sighed and looked at her hands. 'I'm dating Sebastian,' she admitted.

'And why do you think that I would judge you for that, and think it is idiotic? Is it something that you feel is ill-advised?'

Elspeth bit her lip. 'I don't think it's a bad thing. It's just that with my own issues, which you obviously know about, I was just worried you might think I'm being stupid.'

'No, Elspeth. I don't think you're stupid, or being stupid,' he assured. 'You have mentioned that Sebastian suffers from an aversion of physical touch? Has that complicated things or are you preferable to the relationship as it means that there are boundaries that you don't have to enforce? You can keep him emotionally at an arm's length?'

She winced and gives him an annoyed look. 'No,' she said, bluntly. 'Believe me, the whole not being able to touch thing was incredibly frustrating,' she muttered. Dr. Allen always had a talent of getting to the crux of the problem. 'It isn't so much physical touch, it's more that he has a… skin condition? I found out a while ago, so we've managed to deal with the whole touch thing. It's slow going but he's learning and finding out his preferences. He worries about it though-'

'Does it bother you?' He asked.

'No, not at all,' Elspeth said, honestly. 'It bothers me that he has isolated himself for so long because of it… but that's a different conversation for a different time,' she said, feeling herself get off track.

'Is it a purely sexual connection?'

'No,' Elspeth shook her head. 'I mean, we find each other sexually attractive, for sure-'

'So, we are going to have to address the metaphorical elephant in the room,' he said, watching Elspeth stiffen once more. 'Your avoidance of the issue is simply going to create a harder hurdle to cross. Acceptance and self-awareness are the only way forward. If you are in denial about the problem you won't wish to devote time and effort to fix it.'

Elspeth bit her lip. 'I… I thought about him… in that aspect,' she whispered, closing her hands tight into fists, and looking at her whitening knuckles. 'It terrified me,' she could feel her eyes well up and she sniffed, annoyed at herself. Dr. Allen tilted his head and his silence encouraged her to keep talking. 'We were… making out,' she mumbled, feeling a little flush to her chest. She pulled her knee up to her chest and sniffed heavily. 'We started talking about things between us and well, I don't know… it feels like a lot,' she mumbled. 'We've only been dating for a while but it feels longer and that fucking scares me,' she said, her tears breaking free.

Dr Allen gave her a moment before speaking, 'you were friends for a while, yes? It is not unheard of those who are already have an established relationship to have strong feelings if it does develop into more a more romantic situation,' he assured. 'Is he aware of your own struggles in regards of emotional connections?'

'No,' she mumbled, wiping her eyes on her sleeve. 'I need to get better, and be able to…'

'To tell him how you feel?' Dr. Allen supplied.

She nodded. 'It's so hard… I can't even think the words. Every time the thought crosses my head or someone even uses the word, it freaks me out and I can't stop thinking that the worst will happen.'

'What do think is going to happen?'

'What?'

'If the word "love" is used, what do you think will happen?' He asked again, noting the instant tenseness in her posture. 'Tell me the worst thing you think will happen? What goes through your mind?'

Elspeth scoffed and huffed at him. 'You know what the problem is!'

'I do. I wish to hear it again,' he said, making Elspeth want to grind her teeth.

'I don't want to say it-'

'You need to accept the reality that if you cannot even tell me why, then I will not be able to help you. Unfortunately, this battle is going to be a mental one and the first step is not being afraid of saying what it is. Reluctance only gives it more power-'

'Oh, for fucks sake- I'm terrified that I'm going to lose them!' She snapped, annoyed. 'That they're going to die and that it will be my fault that I've not noticed something! That I've missed some pivotal detail and it would be my fault and that I'm going to be alone!'

'Because those words were the last thing you said to both your mother and sister before they passed?'

'Yes!' Elspeth snapped again. 'Yes! Stop! I get it! It's irrational and stupid, and-'

Dr. Allen held up a hand, 'Elspeth. Deep breath,' he said, softly, calmly. He waited for her to re-centre herself. 'Elspeth, it's perfectly fine to be afraid of something that in past experience holds negative memories of correlation,' he said slowly, not patronisingly. 'You need to understand that correlation is not causation,' he said.

She sniffed and wiped her nose again, 'I just… want to be okay with it.'

'You might not ever be able to say the words, Elspeth. To say, "I love you" is a serious undertaking in romance and in friendship. You are admitting and accepting a life changing connection to someone,' he said, seeing that she couldn't even look at him. 'You have to make sure that the person you wish to convey these feelings for understands what those words hold to you.'

Elspeth nodded, 'I think that Bazzie would understand. I just… I don't want to tell him because he has so much of his own things going on. I want him to be able to lean on me,' she sighed.

'If you are in a healthy relationship, you need to understand that you can lean on him as well. Which means, sharing issues and problems you have,' he said, pointedly. 'Do you think that you're in a healthy relationship? Do you worry that you can't tell Sebastian things in fear of hindering the relationship or feelings he would portray to you?'

She sighed and bit her lip, 'no. I don't worry about any of that,' she admitted. 'I don't think that he would-' There was a knock on her bedroom door and she paused. 'Y-Yes?' She called out, giving Dr. Allen an apologetic look. The doctor gave her a reassuringly smile. 'Come in?'

'Elsie?' Sebastian called through her door before opening it a crack. 'Your voice was raised; I tried to ignore it but I had to see if you were ok…' he looked at her face and saw that she had been crying. 'Sweetie, are you alright?' He asked, walking straight into the room to her. He spotted the laptop and saw the doctor, who was patiently waiting. 'Oh, shit. I mean… I'm sorry, I didn't realise,' he said as he backed up. Elspeth sniffed and got up, walking over to him, giving a shy grin.

'It's okay. I forgot to tell you that this was happening,' she said, softly, taking his hand.

Sebastian reached up and cupped her cheek, bending down a little to look into her eyes. 'Don't apologise,' he said. 'Do you need anything? A coffee or a snack?' He asked, brushing her hair aside.

Elspeth shook her head and smiled, weakly. 'I have my water cup,' she pointed out. 'I don't have long left in the session. I'll come out after-'

He leaned down and softly caught her lips in a chaste kiss. 'Take your time. Whether it's ten minutes or a couple of hours. I'll be out here when you're ready,' he said, wiping under her eye. 'I'll take care of dinner tonight,' he added. He smiled at her and moved away, 'I'm sorry, Doctor,' he said as he looked over her shoulder at the laptop.

Dr. Allen simply nodded his head, 'it is nice to meet you, Sebastian,' he said.

'You as well, Doctor,' he said, dipping his head in greeting before backing up towards the door. 'I'll let you know when dinner is ready, if you're not out before then,' he said, softly. Sebastian gave her a reassuring smile and left the room, stopping Buddy from entering.

She bit her lip and wiped her face with her other sleeve, the dry one. Turning to the laptop, she looked embarrassed. 'S-Sorry,' she said. 'I forgot to tell him. He probably heard me shouting over his headphones,' she explained. 'I did get a little worked up.'

'There's no need to explain,' Dr. Allen said simply. 'In the brief interaction I saw it is very clear that he cares deeply for you,' he said, noting her blush and smile. 'Elspeth, do not be scared to say anything to him. If you cannot communicate to him, then you are only doing yourself a disservice. Though do not feel pressured. Take your time.'

Elspeth smiled, clearly holding back tears. 'You're right,' she said as she returned to her seat. 'I'd like to think that there will be a day when I can actually tell him,' she nodded. 'Until then, I'll just have to keep trying,' she mumbled. Dr. Allen smiled and nodded back to her.

'Now, shall we continue? We're only halfway through the session,' he said, encouragingly.

Please review.

Stay safe.