Mom - Season 9, episode 3

A Ren Fair and A Double Tap on the Glass

"So, I should go back to the vet at some point and tell her: it's you, not me... I mean, it's me, not you. Death and stuff. Alvin, Jodie, Samson, Victor, Mary… yada, yada, yada. I'm uncomfortable with expression of love and care … Yes, Marj', I'll do it. Go-d … Fi-ine! … A day at the fair? What are we, five? You want to put chemo Adam and you on rides? Why don't you just throw up in your hands and fling it at me and Christie like monkeys with their feces? ... Oh, the Renaissance fair. Even better. Sure, I'll come ... You have to wear period accurate clothing? Even better. I'm already itching from the wool g-string ... What, I don't know what they wore back then. You were there, so you should know… Tomorrow at 4pm? In full heatwave… Of course, I'll be there … Of course that sounds awful but you used the cancer card so I have to say yes. Don't worry, I'll make sure to hate every minute of it and let you know profusely."

She hung up and looked at a gross Christie eating cookie dough dipped in chocolate sauce, still in her pajamas.

"What are the chunky bits?"

"Candy corn."

"Well, if you don't find a lawyer job, you can always become a chef. When you wake up from the diabetic coma and the Earth is ruled by sentient robots."

Christie burst into tears.

"Way to Wendy it up. So, what's today's rejection?"

"I actually found a job, she explained in between sobs. At a new law firm two of my former teachers that hated me and Veronica opened."

"Let me guess? Flunkett and the old lady that gave you a break when you faked having a baby using Marjorie's granddaughter?"

"Yes! she cried out."

"And Veronica, aka, educated me. So, I guess it's back at the Rustic Fig?"

"I guess. I heard it's under new management."

"Don't tell me…"

"He used the divorce settlement to buy it back from Cla-ooh-dia's family using a shell corporation. She dragged the divorce for seven years or he would have done it sooner."

"Do you want to do drywall with me and Tammy?"

"I actually tried this afternoon. I'm too short. The panels kept falling on me. Tammy had to free me."

Bonnie pictured the scene and contained a derisive snort.

"Thank you for holding the laughter."

"Anything for my little failure."

Christie took another bite or cookie dough that muffled the tears.

"I think I lost the sense of taste."

"And smell. Don't forget smell."

oOo

"Yesterday, the boob, and now the leg? Women really hate each other, Bonnie complained in her renaissance dark red princess dress."

"Sorry, I let my emotions get the better of me, Marjorie apologized."

"Why are you so cranky, Marj'? It's just a fun day that's gone horribly wrong because it was never fun to begin with. It can't be PMS or you would be in a book."

"Well, I blame you for that. You incessant need for control always ruins everything."

"My incessant need for control? You mixed and matched the colors of our cotton candy and slushies' hue for the picture. What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing. Let's leave it at that."

"No, there's something wrong and you're going to tell us."

Bonnie grabbed her by the arm as she tried to leave the fair. Marjorie suddenly got angrier.

"You wanna know what's wrong? You really want to? Oh, I'll tell you!"

She freed herself from Bonnie's grip and started coughing so much she couldn't catch her breath. She took out a lace handkerchied and spit a bit of blood on it.

"Call 911... I can't breathe."

oOo

Marjorie suddenly came to, looking terrified, like she was catching her breath after being underwater for too long. Bonnie was holding her hand on one side, and Christie wouldn't let go of her other hand on the other side of the bed. Adam was doing his version of pacing: drinking a beer.

"Marjorie, how are you feeling? They said you can take off the oxygen when you're ready. No rush. They said it's normal with chemo sometimes. Nothing to worry about."

Marjorie looked at each of them with a stern look and removed the mask. Then, the truth let out.

"The chemo's not working. My cancer has advanced to stage 4. It means it has metastasized to the rest of my body. I've been doing chemotherapy for six months and there is no evolution."

"What does that mean?"

"It means what I just said. It also means I'm stopping all treatment and signing a DNR. I have a few months to live. A year at best. I can't bear this pain and sick all the time in the faint hope I'm gonna get a month or two more of unbearable pain. That's why I wanted to have a Sunday fun day with you, Bonnie and Adam. Whatever we say, I'm closer to you and your mother and cancer buddy Adam than anyone else in my life so I couldn't lump you into a group announcement. It had to be you three first."

It took all the strength she had for Bonnie not to beg her and/or order her to carry on all the treatments of the world with the faint hope that the tables might turn and a miracle would happen and she would live forever and bury them all to then be buried by robots herself. Just as she realized that, she understood how unrealistic her expectations were, just like they asked in the questions of step two she had started writing with her sponsor Mouse. It was the first time she was writing all the steps with a sponsor. People in AA didn't write most steps, mostly the fourth and ninth one. Wendy was going extensively to NA on her own, without the girls, and having acquired the Step Working Guides, she found a sponsor in AA that worked the steps the NA way and had started writing the steps the way she used to snort oxycodone, which meant even though she had not formally worked steps 10 to 12, at the pace Bonnie was going, she would have completed her first cycle before Bonnie had a chance to catch up to her. Still, Bonnie was a wild card but they would cross that bridge when and if they would get to it.

Bonie looked at Marjorie as everybody was holding their breath, expecting her to blow up and storm out, only to come back a few days later and have found peace. She had a bit of a smile remembering what Abbi said about her. They were a family. No doubt the three of them were a bit closer to Marjorie than the others but in the grand scheme of things, nothing out of the ordinary. They were the favorite child. Well, children, but she was a self-centered spiral at the moment.

She looked at Christie that silently begged her to shut up. She was gonna shut up but she didn't like her (hush) tone. They started a mime and whisper fight, both accusing the other one to be the one that always try to control people, places and things but having no idea what the other one was actually saying because they couldn't read lips.

"Do they think they're invisible? Adam asked, the bells on his jester outfit jiggling as he spoke."

"I guess. Christie, why don't you go grab something high in sugar that will feed the cancer and some healthy disgusting snacks for Adam that still has a chance. And coffee for Bonnie to see if she finally explodes and we can get the core and see the tiny alien piloting her flesh suit."

The whole party looked at her in disbelief.

"What? Too soon?"

Christie went to the cafeteria, in her farm hand outfit.

"What do you want to play?"

"You won't fight me on my choices?"

"I'll fight it tomorrow with my therapi… In meetings and with my sponsor. My therapist is TBD. I can't face Trevor now that I've seem all of Trevor."

"Yeah, I've seen him too. Good for Tammie though."

"Whose side are you on?"

"The side of good generous loving. You should see Wayne."

"Is that still going on?"

"Oh yeah, I put a sock on the door at least twice a month. Or we leave because Tammie is pretty loud with her parade of men (and one woman) and it looks like a sorority house and I just can't be that woman. More than twice a month. After Blue Bloods."

She smiled as she tried to sit more upwards.

"Oh, and I will talk about you in meetings for the next few weeks, Bonnie mentioned. I won't say your name, but they will know."

"Ok, Marjorie acknowledged, unphased. I'm not new here. I've met you. I know how you share."

She grabbed her phone to answer a text from Jerrie then put it face down and on night mode so they wouldn't get interrupted.

"When are you taking off?"

"In a few months. Up to a year. Already said that. Oh, you meant from the hospital."

Awkward silence in the room.

"Tomorrow morning."

"What's the plan until then?"

"Bunch of exams, be offered pot and/or opioids for the pain, refuse, argue, call my sponsor, really think about it because I can't keep crying on the bathroom floor, unable to stand up, rinse, repeat."

"What would help, right now? asked Adam.

"Just talk and dish out about that day Jill came to the meeting without makeup while eating terrible food from the vending machine."

"Isn't that how we first met?"

"Oh my. You're right. I had just robbed a bank and it struck my sweet tooth."

"Remember, the trick I showed you when we met in 1977?"

"Double kick on the glass, tap on the right, tap on the left and good shake like you're coming down on heroin, they both delivered from memory at the same time."

"Wait, you roobed a bank? asked Adam."

"Banks. Plural."

"What in the actual…"

But the distinctive sound of a flashback resounded before he could say "fuck".

"Sorry, that's my text ringtone. I can't seem to change it
or turn down the sound."

oOo

"Oh my God, who do I have to blow to get a freaking thing to eat from that damn machine? It swallowed a whole dollar. Give me my six Hershey bars. Give me my chocolate! Give me my chocolate!"

She started shaking the machine.

"That won't work, Gilda, said a twenty-something woman with a Mary Tyler Moore on crack cocaine look.

"What do you want, legs?"

"Sugar. I'm coming down. Got anything?"

"There you go."

"Cigarette, really? What am I? Five?"

"It has weed in it."

"Ok, so I'm eleven."

"You're welcome, said Marjorie."

"Sorry, thank you kindly, good dame. You look like death warmed over."

"I don't like you, said Marjorie."

"Don't like you back."

"What are you gonna do with all that cash? Bonnie asked."

Marjorie grabbed her bag and held it closer.

"That cash that would be choked to death if it were your kid."

She looked left and right.

"I cashed in my life insurance. Try and rob me and you'll see why I'm a black belt."

"All lies. But if you want to double your cash, I have a tip on a horse. Buy me crab legs, I'll hook you up."

"Did you take your big purse?"

Heroin addicts. Making bad decisions for three generations.

oOo

And fun, they had. When it was time to say good night, Bonnie thanked her.

"Life is tough, but you made today bearable. Would have been better without your sour puss, but hey: you can't have it all."

"You went overboard when you powdered your nose on that guys's ass, Marjorie mocked her, pointing at the snow on her nostril."

"You're one to talk. I thought you were gonna inhale the drapes."

"Anyway, we're short a few hundred, but I regret nothing."

Bonnie gave her a sad smile.

"It's ok, legs. You and I together for too long equals mugshots and jailtime."

"No, thank you."

"Not again, they said in unison."

They hugged and Marjorie slid a hundred in her coat jacket.

"I can't accept that."

"Nonsense. You'll take it and be on your way."

She accepted gracefully and slid something in Marjorie's back pocket.

"I swear, if you gave it back, I'm gonna beat the living crap out of you."

"It's Ted's number. The bookie. He said you look like a fun place to sit on."

"Wait, isn't it usually the woman who…"

"Oh, Marjorie. You're so cute. They're all gay or married or 'experimenting'. And by that, I mean the butt."

"Errr. Well, at least, I won't sit for a few hours in a gas station bathroom waiting for the pregnancy test results."

"Atta, girl."

She turned her back on her and waved goodbye. Marjorie smiled.

"She'll go far. Too bad, it'll end in a ditch with a nose full a coke. But I guess, I'm one to talk, she said unironically while sniffling. Uh, coke crumb. I better sit down."

She looked up at some kind of ethereal vengeful God in the clouds damning everything and everyone she once believed in so much she nearly became a nun.

"It's your fault. Who knew I'd live so long?"

She looked for her key in her purse and couldn't find it. She started to panic and tried to calm down, but the copious amounts of cocaine and vodka and the upcoming comedown in about three seconds prevented that. She emptied her bag. Nothing. Coat pockets? Nothing? Jeans front pockets? Big buzzer sound. She threw her bag against the wall. She sat on the floor, in front of her room, trying to figure out her next move and felt a stabbing pain in her butt cheek. She searched her back pocket and found the key.

"Thank God!"

She opened her room, only to discover she had been robbed. She of course checked the bag of cash she had poorly hidden. All gone.

Who could have done it since there were no signs of forced entry? Probably the guy at reception. She was on her way to tear him a new one when she had a glass-shattering moment. She saw Bonnie putting Ted's number in her back pocket. She lunged to the phone and typed the number.

"Joey's Pizza? What can I do you for?"

She understood now. She played the sappy goodbye bit and, pretending to put the number in her pocket, she also put back the key, thinking she would blame the motel and the drugs for misplacing the key on her person.

She ran out the room to try and find her but only heard wheels peeling of the parking lot. She saw a runaway Bonnie kissing her goodbye.

"I will find you! she yelled in a frantic rage."

"Shut up, you junkie whore! a client yelled from his poorly insulating room."

"Don't talk about your wife like that, she answered before walking down the stairs by the fire exit to leave the motel she had no business staying in now."

Arriving at her parking spot, she could only find specks of dust in the air where her car used to be.

"That bitch's crafty. I gotta give her that."

oOo

"Wow, Adam commented. That's…

"More than you thought she was mentally capable of achieving?"

"Not just! But yes."

"Hey, I'm not good at a lot of things but I was a master con artist and thief. Look, I took twenty from your wallet while she was ranting."

"I'm so proud, babe. Give it back."

"Why? It's mine now."

That's when the rest of the gang arrived.

"What's with the getup? asked Wendy. And why was I not invited?"

"Have you relapsed? Jill asked, genuinely worried. What? Those clothes have to have some pharmaceutical explanation."

Christie looked extremely uncomfortable, almost guilty.

"Sit down, girls. We have to talk."

"Oh no! exclaimed Tammie. Are you breaking up with us?"

"You're gonna hate yourself in a minute, Bonnie warned her."

The room became completely silent as she revealed her diagnosis. It was like watching a scene through a glass window. You knew exactly what and when Marjorie said it, from the tears that burst and the maturity of the persons present. Wendy burst into tears, followed by Jill. Bonnie bit her lips and held Adam's knee so tightly he felt grateful there was no feelings in it whatsoever since he snowboarded off a cliff. Christie didn't know what to feel. It was like learning about it all over again. She looked at her bag, as if wanting to leave running and never come back. As if needing to leave. As if wanting to be anywhere but here. The days of Vodka Cadabra had a peculiar ring to them at that very moment.

oOo

"I suppose you have explored options. If there is a clinical trial available, I will sell my house to pay for it. Oh, by the way, I'm selling my house. It took some convincing from Andy's part, but I can't lose my child in a 20,000 square feet mansion. We're down-sizing to a four-bedroom house and with the left-over money, I guess we're buying Luxembourg."

"Thank you, Jill, for talking about somebody else than you for more than ten seconds, Marjorie acknowledged.

"Thank you, said Jill, glad the focus was on her."

Seeing she wanted more, she threw a Tootsie Roll at her that she caught with her mouth.

"Good girl, Jill."

"Thank you, Marjorie."

The conversation carried on.

"Wait wait wait, Wendy interjected. Are we gonna blow past Marjorie training her through positive reinforcement like she's a b… like she's a dog?"

"I got months to live. A year, at best. I don't have time to waste anymore."

"I don't mind, Jill said. Baby's about to pop. I need skills and I need them fast."

The audience was flabbergasted.

"So, Jill, to answer your very pertinent question, she congratulated her by throwing another piece of candy at her, yes, I have. Clinical trials will only buy me time and I might be in the placebo group. It will still hurt like chemo, if I'm not in the placebo group, and I can't bear the pain anymore. I ache all the time now and chemo adds a layer of crying and puking. So I'd rather not have poison that's not FDA-approved coursing through my veins. My body has seen enough in and out of recovery.

"So, what's next? Bonnie asked"

"We gab all night and eat junk, Wendy understood at the moment."

"Regular Tuesday, then, Bonnie said, sarcastically."

"Exactly, confirmed Marjorie. Regular Tuesday. Just like any other day. A normal Tuesday with my friends. Just what the doctor ordered."