A/N: See Chapter 1 for Disclaimer.
Chapter 5: Visiting the Captain
Thanks to regular injections of nanoprobes from Seven, the damage done to Captain Janeway's organs was kept to a minimum over the next three weeks. Sadly, though, it wasn't long after that, in late July of 2392, that even Seven's nanoprobes succumbed to the Byreya poison, and when that happened, the internal damage from the Byreya particles really began to spread, and the Captain began to suffer.
During her first three weeks in Sick Bay, while she still had the strength and energy to do so, Kathryn recorded multiple logs in Dr. Dexa's office, video files of her teaching their children various life lessons, birthday wishes on their future birthdays, and other such things, for them to watch of her in the years ahead. Since she knew she wouldn't be able to be there in person, both she and Luke felt that this was the next best thing for her children to have.
When the Byreya poison began doing irreparable damage to the Captain's organs three weeks after she first got hooked up to the biometric device, she knew she had recorded all the future letters for her children that she could with the limited strength she still had, so she turned her attention to other things. It was her greatest desire in that time to do whatever was possible, no matter how small or seemingly insignificant, to help her crew – her family – transition back into life on Earth. Thus, whenever she was awake and felt strong enough, she began studying images from Voyager's long-range sensors, and she began trying to chart the quickest and safest route for her crew to take home.
One day, as Kathryn was sitting at Dexa's computer in her office, trying to get a little work done, Chakotay knocked at the door and stuck his head inside.
"Have you got a minute, Captain?" he asked.
"Of course. Come in," she told him with a tired but pleasant smile, and then, Chakotay entered the office and closed the door behind him. "What can I do for you, Commander?"
The Captain clearly didn't look her best for understandable reasons, but for someone who'd been connected to a literal I.V. infusion of poison for the past three weeks, she looked at lot better than Chakotay had been expecting she would by now. Despite the ongoing damage to her heart, lungs, kidneys, and G.I. tract, she appeared surprisingly strong and alert, although her face was terribly pale and she was noticeably tired. As Chakotay took in the sight of his dearest friend, in her turquoise patient gown, with extremely pale skin and exhausted blue eyes, hooked up to that horrific machine depositing the yellow-colored poison into her left arm, it filled him with unspeakable rage at what was being done to her.
But determined to hide his anguish for her sake, he put on a smile, and he told her, "I just wanted to come by for a little visit, see how you were doing."
"I've had better days," Kathryn admitted. "But then again, I've had days even worse than this, so I guess I can't complain too much. How have you been doing, Chakotay?"
"I've been very worried about you. We all have been over the past three weeks."
"You guys don't have to worry. I'm hanging in there."
"May I ask why you're in Dr. Dexa's office?"
"She went down to the Mess Hall for lunch with Kes and Luke a few minutes ago, and she kindly allowed me to use her computer station here in her office to get a bit of work done."
"What kind of work?"
"Nothing big. I just thought I'd take a good look at the images and data from our long-range sensors and start trying to plot the fastest and safest course back to Earth for all of you."
"I know you've been recording letters for your children over the past three weeks. Now this."
"Actually, I misspoke. Trying to help chart the safest course back to Earth is one of the things I'm trying to do right now, yes, but I'm also looking at various pieces of info my mother and my sister sent me on apartments and housing where I lived on Earth. My place was fine for one person to live in, but there'll never be enough room for Luke and all the children. I want to try to have something arranged for them before you guys get back to Earth. That's what I'm working on now. I know that it'll be very hard on them, Luke especially, and I want to do everything in my power to make their transition from life on Voyager to life on Earth go as smoothly as possible."
"Kathryn, this doesn't sound like you. It sounds like you've already given up."
"It's not that I've given up, Chakotay. I haven't stopped praying and hoping that Jesus will decide to give us a miracle. But I also want to do all I can to make it as easy for the people I love as possible, should the worst-case scenario happen. You're all my family. I owe it to you to do everything I can to make sure you're all prepared in case I don't get better like we hope."
Chakotay then put his hand on her upper right arm, looked into her eyes, and told her, "Kathryn, the thing that's going to help all of us the most in the days and weeks ahead is not you plotting a course home for us, and it's not you finding housing on Earth for Dr. Luke and your children. We can take care of those things ourselves. What's going to help us the most is having as much time with you as possible. We don't need you to do things for us now; we just need you. Just having you here with us for as long as we can matters more than anything else."
Kathryn then smiled knowingly at her old friend and said, "Luke put you up to this, didn't he?"
"He might have said a couple of words to me about it, but I was still going to come and talk to you about it regardless. Kathryn, we know how hard you've been pushing yourself these past three weeks, and it's got us all very concerned."
"I appreciate all the concern very much, but it's not necessary."
"Oh, I think it is."
"Chakotay, as long as there is breath in my body, as long as my heart is still beating, as long as I can still get up from my biobed, I've got to do everything I can to help the people I love as much as possible. I've just got to. I can't bear to just be lying in a biobed all the time, wasting the time I have left, accomplishing nothing for the people I care about. I need to be of service to my crew and my family in whatever way I can, for as long as I can."
"Kathryn, for over two decades, you have done nothing but serve your crew and family day and night, constantly. Now, if you really want to do something that will help the hearts of the people who love you the most, you'll allow yourself to rest, really rest, and take care of yourself. That's what we all need from you right now more than anything to put our minds at ease. Kathryn…please."
Kathryn sighed in that moment and said, "Very well. I'll go lie down if it'll make you guys feel better."
"Thank you," said Chakotay.
As Kathryn rose to her feet, Chakotay longed to put his arm around her to support her and help her back to her biobed, but he knew she would object. So, he simply pushed the I.V. stand that the biometric device was attached to with Kathryn as she went over to her biobed, and when they both got there, Kathryn laid down under the covers once again, rested her head on the pillows she had arranged behind her, and relaxed.
"Better?" she asked Chakotay.
"Much better," Chakotay said with a soft smile. He then took her left hand, gave it an affectionate squeeze, and whispered, "Thank you."
Kathryn responded with a simple nod, and she and Chakotay chatted for a few more minutes until Dr. Luke returned from the Mess Hall. Chakotay said goodbye to them then and left for the Bridge, and Luke took his usual place in the seat beside Kathryn's biobed. Not long after that, Kathryn drifted off to sleep.
Over the next two weeks, the crew continued to respect their Captain's wishes for privacy with her husband, even though it was hard. Naturally, they all loved her and wanted to visit her and keep tabs on how she was doing, but they also understood her desire for privacy during this very difficult time. Every night, they held a prayer service in the Mess Hall for her, but sadly, her condition continued to decline, which broke all their hearts, especially Harry Kim's. Harry, of course, was Captain Janeway's youngest Starfleet "child," so to speak, and the bond they'd shared the past two decades was quite special. And of all her crewmen, she'd definitely been the most protective of Harry over the years, as he was the "baby" of their Starfleet family. Finally, though, Chakotay and Luke managed to convince Kathyn to let him by Sick Bay come for a visit. And when he came into Sick Bay to visit his Captain at precisely seven o'clock in the evening one night in mid-August, Luke left so they could have some time alone.
"I guess it would be foolish to ask you how you're doing," Harry told her after sitting down in Dr. Luke's chair by the Captain's biobed.
"It's not so bad," the Captain told him with a weak smile, but Harry knew that she was lying through her teeth. She'd lost a significant amount of weight since he'd last seen her, and her ivory skin was paler than ever, and her blue eyes that once been so full of life were now so tired. Furthermore, she was now wearing a nasal canula delivering an extra supply of oxygen to her.
"You don't have to pretend for me, Captain," he told her truthfully as he laid his right hand on top of her free right hand. "You don't have to try to act all brave and strong for me now. I'm not that green young ensign who came to you fresh out of the Academy anymore."
Captain Janeway chuckled, and she told him, "I know you're not that green young ensign anymore, Harry. You've grown so much, and I couldn't be prouder of you."
Choked up, Harry whispered, "Thank you, Captain."
"But even though you've grown so much over the past two decades, to me, you'll always be that young, sweet, innocent, adorable, green ensign who was so nervous on his first day of duty that he almost sprained something, standing at attention so tensely in my ready room," she said with the most affectionate laugh.
"And to me, you'll always be that kindhearted, generous Captain who took me under her wing and became a second mother to me out here in the Delta Quadrant, even though she didn't have to," Harry said with a warm smile, and Kathryn kissed his hand.
"You take care of yourself when you get back to Earth, Harry. Give your mother my love."
"I will," Harry whispered.
"Every conversation I've ever had with your mother has been such a pleasure. She's such a delightful woman."
Harry chuckled a bit and said, "I never will forget the time she talked to you about promoting me. I told her not to, but she just wouldn't listen. She was so stubborn. I was mortified."
Kathryn laughed softly and told him, "Your mother loves you and she's proud of you, Harry. That's nothing to be mortified about. When I explained Starfleet regulations to her and how there were very limited opportunities for advancement on a small ship like Voyager, before I got Starfleet Command to bend the rules for us, that is, she understood perfectly. Oh, she was a joy to speak to. She always is. Just like her son."
"You're a joy to talk to as well, Captain."
"I don't know about that. I've definitely had better nights."
"Is there anything I can do for you or bring to you that might help you feel better, Captain?"
"No thanks, Harry. I appreciate it, though."
"You've done so much for me over the years. And I don't merely want to say thank you. I want to do something to help," said Harry as began visibly fighting off tears.
"The best thing you can do to help me now, Harry – the best thing all of you can do to help me now – is to get back to Earth safe and sound. That's all I ask."
"But there's got to be something else I can do. Wait a minute! I know. We all know how strict Dr. Luke is being about your diet now. We know he's not letting you drink coffee. But just for the heck of it, why don't I sneak you in a big, hot, steaming cup of coffee for you tomorrow morning? Black. Just the way you like it."
Kathryn smiled, and then she reached up and lovingly touched Harry's cheek with her fingertips, and she told him, "You're such a sweetheart, Harry. You really are." In the next moment, she brought her hand back down by her side, and she said to Harry, "I appreciate the thought, but I can't drink coffee anymore, Harry. I simply can't. It hurts my stomach so much now. It makes me so nauseous. It's really become a lot more trouble than it's worth."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Captain. I'm really sorry."
"I appreciate the thought, Harry. I really do."
Unable to say anything else, Harry just put his arms around his Captain and gave her the longest, tightest hug, hoping it could express to her the deep love he'd always had for her that he simply could not put into words. And after their long embrace finally ended, they exchanged the usual pleasantries, and Harry said goodbye and left.
A few minutes later, Harry walked into the Mess Hall where Chakotay, Tom, B'Elanna, Seven, Neelix, and Dexa were all sitting together.
"Harry, what's wrong?" B'Elanna asked him when she saw that he was on the verge of tears.
"I just went to visit the Captain in Sick Bay," he answered.
Chakotay rose from his seat, approached Harry, and asked, "How's she doing, Harry?"
Tears filled Harry's eyes once again as he looked at Chakotay and said, "She can't drink coffee. Commander, she can't drink coffee. I'd heard how the Doctor wasn't letting her drink coffee anymore, and I offered to sneak her a cup tomorrow morning, hoping it would make her feel better, hoping it might cheer her up a little bit, and she told me that it was too hard for her to drink coffee now. She said it hurt her stomach too much and made her nauseous. That's when it really started to hit me, Chakotay: we're losing her. We're really losing her. Commander, she can't drink coffee," Harry told him as the uncontrollable sobs started to come. And without a word, Chakotay put his arms around Harry, and he just let him cry. And as Harry cried on the outside, all the others cried silently on the inside, because they all knew Harry was right. For Kathryn Janeway of all people to be too sick to drink coffee, they knew that unless a God-given miracle came their way, they really would be losing both their Captain and their matriarch. And soon.