Lisa didn't get much sleep that night, and at about 2:30am went to sit outside in the cool air, there was a small glass table and two chairs sat out on the balcony outside their second floor motel room; overlooking from the parking lot below towards the small town and the highway in the near distance; the lights pulsing like a heart, from the passing cars and trucks.
"Hey," a male voice interrupted her as she closed the door, and Lisa just about jumped out of her skin.
"Greg? What are you doing out here?" she hissed quietly, her heart racing at being interrupted.
"Couldn't sleep," he mumbled, "you?"
"Must be contagious; I couldn't sleep either," Lisa sat down on the other chair and Greg passed her a beer he had on the ground next to his chair, cracking open the lid with a cigarette lighter in his hand and passed it to her, before opening up his own and taking a swig, he pulled a cigarette out of the packet sat on the table and lit it up. "Is this what you're doing?" Lisa enquired, "you're just sitting out here; drinking beer and smoking?"
"It's what I end up doing most nights. There's a little courtyard at the back of my apartment; don't tell James I spend most nights smoking and drinking alone in the dark; he'd be mortified to find out that I do this," Greg muttered.
"I promise, your secret is safe with me. Mind if I have one?" Lisa asked, gesturing towards the cigarettes.
Greg turned to her with a half grin, "has the world turned upside down? Saint Cuddy smoking," he laughed, passing her the box and lighter.
"I don't smoke." Lisa corrected, "at least not usually, but it's been a long day," she stared out at the lights in the distance, watching them with a doctor's precision, as she glanced down momentarily while placing the cigarette between her lips and lighting up, taking in a long drag.
Greg's smile faltered just a little, "it's been a long life. And here I was, 45 years old, thinking that I had left it all behind, made a new life for myself in Jersey. Sure, it's not what most people would consider a 'good life'; but it was my life. I thought I'd left South Dakota far behind me, never to return, but here I am, going back despite not really wanting to,"
"Yeah, it has been a long life for you. You've been through more than I could ever imagine going through. And yet, here you are Greg, you're accomplished, you're a doctor- hell, you're one of the top doctors in the country, if not the world, you save people who nobody else could ever save, you have a boyfriend, and as much as I hate to admit it sometimes; you're one of the people who I'm closest to in the world," Lisa sighed, "it's a beautiful night, isn't it?"
"I'm also a drug addict, my life with James is far from a fairy tale- I mean I love him and all; but that doesn't mean that we don't have our share of troubles, I save maybe fifty people a year, tops, that's not many as far as doctors are concerned, I can hardly have sex with my partner without risking a massive panic attack afterwards. Don't get me wrong, James is great, and he's been super supportive; but I just feel like he deserves a better man. He deserves someone who can make love to him without having nightmares and spending the rest of the night in a state of panic. He also deserves a man who isn't a cripple, who can keep up with him physically. As far as you're concerned, you're in my life because you are obligated to be. You're my boss, and I've treated you terribly over the years for no reason at all, yet here you are, you're taking your only time off to come with me; to drive James and I across the country to meet with people who I just wish were dead," Greg sighed deeply, "I just wish that James didn't hear that voicemail before I got the chance to delete it. Sometimes, often actually, I believe that the world and everyone in it would be so much better off without me; if I were just dead,"
Concerned with where this conversation was steering, Lisa cut in, "Greg- if I wanted to get rid of you, if I didn't see you as the massive asset that you are; then I would have fired you a very long time ago. As far as everyone being better off if you were dead; well, that's just not true. James wouldn't be better off without you, he'd be beyond devastated, I'd say that if you were to die- especially if you died by your own hand, then he would be suicidal himself, and I imagine would probably do the deed himself shortly after purely from how distraught and heartbroken he'd be. I know I certainly wouldn't be better off if you died; I'd miss you tremendously. You are a huge part of my life, Greg, for better or for worse; James and I, you're pretty well stuck with us,"
"Maybe," Greg responded, "you are right about one thing though, it is a beautiful night,"
Greg and Lisa sat in silence for a while, just enjoying the calm, cool night; where it seemed that now they were about halfway- the worlds of both the busy wards of PPTH, and the upcoming ambiguity of South Dakota were both worlds away, and they could relax, just two friends sitting in the night, simply enjoying the company of each other.
"Hey Greg," Lisa interrupted after a long while, and he turned to her, looking relaxed, his eyes slightly glazed over from what must've been about his fifth beer in the couple of hours they had been sat outside, along with the Vicodin that was surely in his system on top of it all; "what's the thing with the coco puffs? Why the sudden obsession? James said that he thinks he knows why, but I wanted to ask you,"
Greg sighed, but remained clearly relaxed, almost stoned with his slowed movements and muted emotions, "I never had them when I was growing up. It's only really become a thing since this trip was being planned, I mean I snacked on them; among other cereals I wasn't allowed before any of this, but I think it's mostly an anxiety thing. I wasn't allowed to eat them as a child, and so now that I'm an adult; I let myself eat them as much as I like. I wasn't really allowed to eat much growing up- which is why; at least in James' eyes, my diet consists primarily of what a six-year-old would love to live off of,"
"So, if you weren't allowed cereal, what did you eat?" Lisa questioned.
"For breakfast? A single piece of toast," Greg responded, fresh cigarette between his lips as he lit it up.
"Your family weren't big breakfast people?"
"No, they were. My mother would cook herself and my father anything he wanted for any meals- if he wanted eggs, bacon, pancakes, waffles, sausages… Anything he felt like for breakfast, that's what they ate,"
"They'd eat that mountain of food in front of their growing son who was only allowed a single piece of toast?" Lisa halted her voice from sounding incredulous.
Greg shook his head, "no, they wouldn't. I wasn't allowed to eat meals at the table with them, I had to go and eat outside on the back steps with the dogs,"
Lisa felt her face burning up but tried to reign in her anger; "it sounds like it was an all-round pretty bad childhood," and Greg just nodded in agreement and laughed.
"So, tell me about your upbringing," Greg continued, taking another swig of beer.
"It wasn't as… interesting as yours, that's for sure-" she began.
"That's good, that's a start," Greg laughed nodding his head, "sorry to interrupt, go on,"
"I have a younger sister, she has a couple of kids now, and she and I was raised by my parents in New York," Lisa took a drink, "my mother wasn't the maternal, motherly type; really, she shouldn't have probably had children, but it was what was expected; Jewish family and all. My dad worked a lot, so we barely ever saw him; so, my sister and I were stuck at home; my mother actively disliked children, so we had to be essentially almost doll-like; never create mess or noise, never get in the way, anything. We weren't allowed to play or be kids, we weren't much more than extensions of her furniture,"
"Sounds like your upbringing was far from perfect too," Greg continued, "and with Jimmy's secret screwed up family, look at the three of us," he grinned, "just three fucked up doctors from less than perfect homes, trying to make life work for us and do the best that we can with the limited tools that we were given. We're like a medical version of the three musketeers, or a less cool version of a superhero squad… You know, when I was younger, I always used to dream that one day I'd become a superhero. Wake up one day and I had transformed into Batman or something. I used to pray for it back when I believed in God, I used to always justify things going on that it was simply my superhero training. That one day, it would all be worth it, that it wasn't because of anything I did, or that I wasn't a bad person; simply that I was just in training to one day be a hero, to one day be great,"
"I used to dream about becoming Barbie," Lisa confessed, which just elicited uncontrollable laughter from the progressively drunk Greg, "shut up," she whacked him gently on the chest with the back of her hand, as he grabbed his stomach and gasped for breath in between fits of laughter, "you sound like an old witch, cackling and carrying on," she rolled her eyes.
"Sorry, sorry, I'll stop… but really? Barbie? Just minus the whole six-foot tall, blonde thing?"
"You want me to go on about your similarities with Batman, mister?" Lisa challenged jokingly to which Greg held up his hands in defeat.
"Okay, okay, you've got me," he laughed.
"I mean, if you think about it, we are kind of superheroes, and I can hear your incoming eyeroll from over here, so don't start. I mean in a more traditional sense, being doctors and all, we save people all the time who otherwise wouldn't be saved," Lisa pointed out.
"Yeah, I guess that's true," Greg pointed out, "I'd never really thought about it like that, I was just kind of disappointed that I never became one,"
"Childhood dreams can be the hardest to let go of," Lisa continued.
"Wow, we're getting philosophical tonight!"
"Probably the exact same reason that you're choking down boxes upon boxes of children's cereal on the journey to visit your family; you're trying to hope that you can somehow undo and redo the past, that maybe you'll be treated with respect this time, as opposed to what really happened," Lisa stated, unsure of whether she was overstepping the line here; thankfully Greg just threw his head back and laughed.
"With a friend like you, who needs a therapist?"
"Hey, you're not the only one who can be observant!" she joked, leaning back in her chair, watching as the sun kissed the far horizon and the world slowly awoke around them, like a wild beast slowly rising for the day. "You know Greg, this has been one of, if not the, favourite times that we've had together. Getting to know you on a deeper, more personal level; instead of the surface level interactions we usually otherwise have,"
"Yeah, me too, Lisa, me too," Lisa saw a look of genuine relaxation and tenderness on his face for the first time without the pure aid of drugs, in a very long time, if ever.
Neither made any attempt to move yet, just simply enjoying this shared, sacred moment of tranquillity and friendship, not wanting this night to ever end.