A Very Unusual Welcome Home
Surprisingly enough, Harry awoke the next morning completely refreshed and looking forward to starting another day of playing Quidditch, wizard's chess, trying to plot another scheme in peace, and enjoying the rest of his summer holidays before Hogwarts' school term started again and likely would try to throw another spanner in the works of his schemes. At least Draco and his chums in Slytherin would be on high-alert for the rest of the year – that was going to be very interesting to see!
But the reason for the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Torment-Dark-Lords waking up so happy and energised, was because for the entire night, he and Voldemort had been playing Shitty Song Ping-Pong with each other. It had started with Old Snakeface deliberately sending Cotton Eye Joe through the link again, thinking it would wake his enemy up, but the Dark Lord was furious when he heard one of the most awful tunes and lyrics that he had the misfortune of hearing. Harry had sent him back Macarena, not that Voldemort was aware of what the name of the song was. Captain Cueball had answered with Dancing Queen, only for him to almost start sending Cruciatuses at Rowle, Alecto Carrow and Avery during a meeting when he realised the boy was singing along to it instead of getting nightmares. Voldemort almost had a meltdown when Harry deliberately sent back Mamma Mia!
The Death Eaters, Nagini and Thalia were all concerned at the weird and funny contortions Voldemort's face kept making throughout the mental battle between him and the Boy-Who-Seemed-To-Have-An-Answer-To-All-Voldemort's-Attempts-To-Traumatise-Him.
On his part, Harry had enjoyed his joust with Captain Red-Eyes immensely and was pleased to learn that the snake friend he had sent Nagini had been named Thalia and had a wonderful sense of humour! Her puns were so bad, they were good, and that was exactly what Harry had hoped for. Thalia was sure to keep the Dark on their toes!
So, this was the reason why Harry got showered, dressed and practically skipped down to breakfast that morning with a still-tired-and-in-need-of-food-and-coffee Ron following behind at a more sedated pace. The two boys helped Molly set the table and they had just finished when Hermione and Ginny came down for breakfast. Fred and George were at their shop already and Arthur had already gone off to the Ministry. Apparently someone had sent his department some very interesting garments anonymously and his bosses wanted Arthur and his team to investigate them.
Hermione was still eyeing Harry suspiciously as Molly plated their breakfast.
"Everyone sleep well?" Molly asked, as she normally did.
"Got woken up too early – OW! Hermione! Why did you kick me?!" Ron complained.
"I slept very well, thank you," Harry stated brightly.
"Hermione kept tossing and turning, so it took me ages to get to sleep," Ginny added, not looking all too happy.
"I had a dream that Harry got kidnapped by You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters and he was being tortured by this giant, multi-coloured monster and then put into this hideous pink dress with too many ribbons," Hermione looked as pale as a ghost. "He was then forced to groom a pack of werewolves – I have no idea where that came from but-"
"It's a premonition!" Ron and Ginny chorused dramatically.
Hermione huffed. "I do not believe in Trelawney's nonsense, and never will!"
"And yet you take Arithmancy," Harry reminded her with a faux innocent look. "That is Divination only with maths added onto it!"
Hermione looked affronted. "Arithmancy is more than just Divination with maths added onto it! It also tries to make use of psychology and patterns of behaviour-"
"It's still Divination with numbers," Ron rolled his eyes as he tucked into his sausages.
"You two are beyond help," the Brightest-And-Most-Tired-of-Her-Friends'-Shit-Witch-of-Her-Age shook her head judgementally.
"We knew that already," Harry grinned evilly as he poured himself some more coffee.
Not long afterwards, the mail owls arrived, saving the tension at the breakfast table rising further. Molly had sighed a huge sigh of relief; Ron was soon occupied with another Quidditch magazine, Ginny was skimming through Witch Weekly while eating and Harry had managed to get his hands on the Prophet. Ever since the papers had started their misinformation campaign against him last year, Harry had decided it would be best to keep a very close eye on what those filthy pit vipers were writing about him.
Unfortunately for all those present, it wasn't long until the countenance of the Boy-Who-Now-Had-More-Targets-To-Choose-From had yet another evil grin on it.
LUCIUS MALFOY RELEASED FROM AZKABAN ON CONDITION OF HOUSE ARREST. RALSTON JUGSON, DERRICK TRAVERS AND LYSANDER AVERY RELEASED UNDER CONDITION OF HOUSE ARREST WITH FELLOW DEATH EATER
Today at precisely seven-thirty in the morning, Lucius Malfoy, Ralston Jugson, Derrick Travers and Lysander Avery were released from Azkaban Prison and transported from the North Sea to the mainland, where they were escorted under armed guard to Malfoy Manor. Due to Lord Malfoy's lawyers, all under the employ of his wife Narcissa, citing a clause under the Eldritch Diggory Edict, the Minister has seen fit to have these four wizards, spotted in cohorts with You-Know-Who at the Department of Mysteries in June, put under house arrest together.
None of the four in question were willing to give a statement but Narcissa Malfoy had given their lawyers a prepared statement which read: "my husband and the other three gentlemen have languished in Azkaban without a trial or the right to be presumed innocent until proven guilty, which is their right under the law. My son and I are very pleased that someone has decided to listen to reason and grant my husband and the gentlemen the rights that one of our former Ministers believed should be given to everyone."
Normally, reading something like this would have sent Harry Potter into a fury, especially since these four men had helped to ensure that Sirius lost his life, but the Boy-Who-Was-Too-Far-Gone-At-This-Point saw Papa Malfoy and co.'s return as a fresh new challenge. He was so busy already plotting that he didn't notice Ron taking the paper from his hands, reading through the article and going red in the face.
"Well, of course Malfoy gets the right to be innocent until proven guilty, despite the fact that everyone saw him attack us!" Ron spat sarcastically and he threw the paper down angrily. "'Narcissa, get me out of here – the Dementors don't know what a brush is!' Urgh! Had this been any one of us, no one would have listened and we would have been left to rot!"
Hermione was next to read the paper. The poor thing ended up being almost entirely crumpled by the time she had finished reading the front page. "Un-bloody-believable! How can these people be released despite Fudge knowing now that You-Know-Who is back and waging open war on the wizarding world? How can you just hand him some more soldiers – oh no … no, no, no, no, no, Harry, I see you! Stop that train of thought right there!"
The Boy-Who-Couldn't-Wait-To-Make-Lucius-Malfoy-Cry pouted. "But it's not at the station yet!"
"That is precisely the point! Once it gets to a station, you have likely decided to send Draco's father plastic flamingos for his garden or send bloody Haribo for the other three or-"
"Or maybe you should stop giving him ideas," Ginny commented wryly, her nose still in Witch Weekly.
"I do really like the plastic flamingos idea," Harry smirked. "I am betting the Malfoy garden is in need of some serious upgrades."
Hermione began wailing in despair, putting her head down on the table. "Why don't you get that we-"
"You," Ron and Ginny corrected her simultaneously.
"-are trying to protect you?!"
"What do I need protection from?" Harry asked brightly. "My old friend Noseless is far too busy not dying of despair because Thalia's puns, and when he is not doing that, he is trying to avoid Nagini's diva outbursts and when he isn't doing that he is forced to listen to Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples-"
"MR. MUPPLES?!" everyone in the room spluttered.
"Apparently Bellatrix has adopted one of the My Pet Monsters," Harry informed them brightly. "She gave a rather questionable presentation at a meeting during the night about breaking Muggle fingers with some ironically enough Muggle Medieval torture devices and then using the bones of the fingers to make skeleton keys. She went off a tangent now and again but Mr. Mupples got her back on track."
Hermione was appalled, Ron was trying not to laugh and Ginny was dying on the floor while Molly looked set to cry.
"Harry, how would you know this?" Hermione demanded.
"Oh, Voldie and I played a game of Song Exchange last night and I caught snippets of his life and meetings," Harry informed brightly.
His sister-from-another-family looked set to faint. "You're supposed to be blocking him out and not letting him in! You need to work on your Occlumency shields again."
"No, what I need is a way to make dream popcorn because the shit I saw was just too funny," Harry contradicted easily, finishing the last of his fruit salad. "Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go and arrange some welcome home gifts for good old Papa Malfoy and his friends!"
Hermione deflated and then lit up. "You know what, I will write to Professor Dumbledore! Harry will listen to him-"
"Hermione, dear, we already wrote to the Headmaster," Molly informed her weakly. "He has no intention of stopping Harry."
Ron barked out another laugh. Ginny looked amazed while the Muggleborn witch looked like she had just been informed that Crookshanks had gotten hit by a car. Well, there went that solution!
Harry had no idea what was more worrying: the fact that it didn't take long for Dudley to answer the phone when he rang, or the fact that Piers, Dennis and Malcolm – who were all there to watch an important footie match apparently – were had betted or not whether Harry had gotten beaten up yet.
"So, whose the next target, cousin?" Dudley put on his best militaristic tone.
"My dear old friend's dad has just gotten out of gaol," Harry informed them bluntly.
"Bloody hell," Piers commented. "Didn't see that one coming! What did he do time for?"
"Erm … breaking and entering, attempted assault, attempted murder, having no fashion sense and being part of a terrorist group," Harry listed candidly.
"Good God," Dennis half chuckled. "And this is the guy you want to piss off?"
"Yep! Trust me, he's a right pansy," Harry grinned. "I have met more intimidating flowers and flower pots."
It wasn't a lie. Mandrakes were not to be messed with! But it got the boys at the other end of the line to chortle.
"Big D's been tellin' us that this guy is loaded," Malcolm spoke up.
"You can say that again," Harry snorted. "Old money, you could say."
Malcolm continued. "Yeah, thought as much. Well, see, we had a party not too long ago and well – I might have made too many brownies with … you won't snitch on me will you, Potter?"
"Nope," Harry stated firmly. "With what?"
"Hash," Piers answered immediately. "Problem is that Malcolm's ma already ain't happy with his little brother's graffiti habit so she's gonna flip her lid when she finds 'em and we need to get rid of 'em pronto! Do you mind if we just send 'em to your 'friend'?"
The boys were probably very concerned at the evil, manic laughter at the other end of the line. Dudley, however, was very much used to it by now.
"That's a yes, lads," Dudley translated.
"OK, thank fuck for that," Malcolm sighed with relief. "I owe you big time for this, Potter. Twice already."
"I also have an idea that might work," Dennis stepped closer to the line. "My aunt's pet store has mistakenly ordered too many rats – don't ask me how you can fuck up an order of rats. But she called yesterday in a panic and asked if I knew any good places the rats can go to."
"How many rats are we talking?" Harry asked eagerly.
"One hundred," was the golden answer.
More manic laughter ensued. "Dennis, you are making my day here and that is definitely a first in your case!"
"So … what else are you thinking?" Dudley dared to ask once Harry calmed down. "I assume that is why you're calling."
"Oh yes! Thank you for reminding me, Dud," Harry grinned. "I need you to make another Amazon order for me."
"Oh for fuck's sake," Piers muttered under chuckles. "What's it this time, Potter?"
It was safe to say that Dudley and his gang did not expect the answer that came out of his mouth. "Pink plastic flamingos for the garden."
There was a moment of dead silence.
"Did he just say, 'pink plastic flamingos'?" Dennis could barely believe his ears.
"Den, trust me – don't ask questions. Potter is insane but he's a bloody genius for evil pranks," Piers informed giddily. "Let me guess, the garden at this poncy prick's house is a bit dull?"
Harry barked out a laugh. "You can say that again!"
He assumed, at least!
"Should we also send some garden gnomes then? I know where we can buy some fucking ugly ones," Malcolm suggested.
"Well, keep that idea! I like it. But I was hoping perhaps you guys would do me a favour, especially your uncle, Piers," Harry cackled. "I was hoping to surprise this idiot with a rather interesting dinner tonight and send it to their house but I don't want it to be burgers, fries or pizzas again or they will actually try and come and kill me in my bed so I was wondering if you guys know any other good ideas."
"Can it be messy?" Piers asked immediately.
Harry lit up. "Absolutely! The messier, the better!"
"Tacos!" came the immediately chorus of answers.
Why did I not think of that? Harry complained to himself.
"You bloody geniuses!" Harry laughed. "Love it. Do it!"
"Ooooo I know a good taco place. My uncle too – I will call him soon. He has been bugging me about when you would have another 'mission', as he called it! At what time would you like the food to get to your friend's place?" Piers asked eagerly.
"Let's aim for between six and seven if the drivers don't get lost out there," Harry responded with a grin. "The place is … kinda hidden."
"They sound like a bunch of stuck-up pieces of work to me already," Dennis commented.
"Accurate assessment there," Harry agreed. "By the way, sending costs and deliveries are all on me again. Dudley knows what to do by now."
"How has my life turned into this?" was Dudley's answer.
"GUYS! FOOTIE'S ON AGAIN!" Malcolm called from far away. Harry waged they were in the kitchen and Malcolm was now in the living room.
"Yes! OK, we'll get onto it, cousin," Dudley promised quickly.
"Jesus, Dud, go and watch your game already!" Harry rolled his eyes. "Bye!"
"Bye cousin!"
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"WHAT IN MERLIN'S NAME IS THIS THING?!"
"Lucius, calm down, that's a WALKMAN! It's not going to kill you. It plays music. Basti has one too."
"WHAT IS IT DOING IN MY HOUSE? AND WHY DOES RABASTAN HAVE ONE?!"
Ah, it seems Lucius Malfoy just discovered the Muggle WALKMAN and Discman in the possession of his son and his friends. Lucius had clearly recovered from the shock of receiving fifteen Boglins and a Cruciatus because father and son had engaged in a screaming match that echoed around Malfoy Manor. Rodolphus and Rabastan had hurried to the aid of their nephew, along with Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples, who were eager to see how Lucius would punish Draco for listening to the Muggle filth. Yes, they conveniently forgot they did the same exact thing.
The raucous also attracted the attention of Voldemort, who had been trying to get rid of the headache Thalia's constant barrage of jokes and puns had caused by taking a nap, and who had heard the dulcet tones of his disgraced Death Eater and had grumpily gotten out of bed to see what the fuss was about. What met him was a sight he thought he never would see: Rabastan, Walden, Antonin, Balthazar and Amycus were chasing Lucius, Ralston, Derrick and Lysander around the parlour with WALKMANs and Discmans in hand, trying to put the headphones onto the heads of the Death Eaters recently returned from Azkaban. Unfortunately, Nagini and Thalia were witness to this as well.
*Why are all your followers so strange, Tom?* Nagini huffed. *First they hate the music then love it and then they hate it again. Nagini likes things and doesn't like things but never does Nagini flit between one or two – Toooooom, are you listening?*
*Tom is being a meanie poo-poo head,* Thalia agreed. *Hey, Nagini! What do you call a Death Eater who doesn't want to listen to music?*
Nagini lit up in an instant. *I have no clue, Thalia, tell me!*
*A RUNMAN!*
I cannot wait to kill this boy and be done with it, Voldemort grumbled to himself.
"MY LOOOOOORD!"
Yelling was heard approaching the parlour at record speed. Suddenly, everyone stopped what they were doing – literally. Every Death Eater had frozen to the spot, causing Amycus to knock down Lysander, Balthazar had collided with Derrick, Antonin had sent himself and Ralston flying and Lucius was at the bottom of the pile of him, Walden and Rabastan. In burst several lower ranked Death Eaters who were – oddly enough – covered in feathers.
"What isss the meaning of thissss?" Voldemort hissed, his eyes glowing red.
"THE STONES HAVE HATCHED!" the guards wailed.
Bellatrix cackled at this point. "We did say that they were 'living stones'. Yes, Mr. Mupples, no one listened to us. Indeed, Mr. Mupples, it is a good thing we were there to make sure everyone didn't just drop them. Of course we shall go and see what has hatched. This is just too much fuuuuuuun!"
Much to the glee of both Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples – and the frustration and horror of everyone else, especially Lucius and Narcissa – every single person in the house who had been guarding a 'stone' were now also the proud bird parents to at least one baby falcon. Including Voldemort, whose own bird chick took one look at him, practically screamed in terror and hid under the green and silver blanket that had been covering its egg.
Nagini and Thalia hissed and spluttered with laughter as the Dark Lord's already ruby eyes turned neon. "Why you little-"
*Hey, Nagini, what do you call a bunch of falcon chicks that are likely going to up as food?*
*I have no idea, tell me!*
*Chick peas!*
Kill me now, Voldemort wailed to anyone who would listen.
He could have sworn that he heard these words in his head at that point. Can't today, Voldie. I have a rather busy schedule. Plus, have you met Hermione? Control freak does not cover it!
*Tooooooom, we're hungry! Can we go out hunting? The birds look too good,* the snakes started to complain.
Surprisingly, Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples had been going around doing checks on all the chicks to make sure no one was trying to eat them or kill them or turn them into plushies and when they discovered that the Dark Lord had scared his chick half to death, they were not best pleased.
Bellatrix scowled at her master. "My Lord, what have you done to the poor child? There, there, Aunt Bella is here – yes, Mr. Mupples, our Lord has been very naughty indeed." This made Voldemort splutter in protest as Bellatrix cuddled the chick close. "We shall take little Miette until you can learn to take care of her properly! Yes, Mr. Mupples, her feathers are very soft-"
Voldemort was still standing as still as a statue once he heard the door shut behind his lieutenant, who had apparently confiscated his falcon chick without any fear of retribution. Nagini and Thalia were dying of laughter.
In order to try and escape the chaos that had ensued around the house, Amycus and Alecto Carrow, Ralston Jugson and Derrick Travers had escaped outside together with Dolohov, Macnair and Snape. Jugson and Travers could hardly believe what had happened in such a short time being out.
"OK, can someone please tell us what the fuck has been going on?" Travers demanded. "Because the last time I checked Bella wasn't into toys and now she is carting around an ugly, furry plushie monster, calling it Mr. Mupples, and has some level of coherency that she hasn't had in flipping years! And since when do we listen to Muggle music? What has happened?"
"OK, who wants the honours?" Macnair asked jollily, rubbing his hands together gleefully.
"You do it, Walden," Alecto rolled her eyes.
Macnair lit up instantly and enthusiastically began regaling Jugson and Travers about the campaign of pranks that Harry Potter had commenced on the Dark, from the McDonald's Happy Meals all the way to the spray paints sent to Draco, Narcissa's Muggle kitchen ware and the women's shaving cream sent to a still fuming Fenrir. Once Macnair had finished, Jugson and Travers had a vast array of emotions on their face – horror, awe, amusement, disgust and discombobulation.
"How is that boy still not dead yet?" Jugson could not help but wonder. "He targeted Fenrir a total of three times, made our Lord jealous, has gotten away with sending Narcissa lingerie, he is the reason we are stuck with hideous Boglins, he has effectively been the reason Rodolphus got kicked out of his own bed by his wife – surely someone must have found him by now!"
"We have been trying. No luck," Amycus growled. "That boy is being guarded, and more to the point, he is getting help from someone. It just isn't the Order of Flaming Chickens this time. All we know, is that one Mudblood is involved."
"This boy is utterly diabolical," Travers marvelled. "I mean, he's a little shit but credit where credit is due. Morgana and Mordred! I cannot wait to see it for myself."
"Be careful what you wish for, Derrick," Snape warned him with a sigh. "He knows where you are, and you have just gotten out of Azkaban. To Potter, you look like a very appealing target."
Travers, and Jugson, paled ever so slightly at this. "Bugger," Jugson commented.
Dolohov chuckled. "That sentiment is entirely correct."
"I for one cannot wait to see what happens next," Macnair added with a smirk. "Can you imagine what he will send dear old Lucius?"
"How do you even know Lucius is the next target?" Travers questioned with a slight frown.
"I can gauge the boy a little – Lucius is an easy target and very easy to vex. He is the next target," Macnair stated confidently. "It would not surprise me at all if Potter sends some kind of Muggle concoction for hair or feather dye for the peacocks or something."
"Oh Merlin, spare us," Alecto winced.
"My ears would never recover from the screaming," Amycus agreed, grimacing as well.
Dolohov chuckling evilly. "If the boy manages to send something entertaining to Lucius, and if I ever face him on the battlefield, I will not curse him for the entirety of our duel."
That worried the other Death Eaters quite a bit.
But it wasn't long until Jugson and Travers got a taste of what the Boy-Who-Had-Been-Laying-Siege-To-Malfoy-Manor-With-His-Pranks was capable of. The Carrow twins had been informing them of the dog toys and shaving cream Fenrir's pack had been using behind their irate alpha's back when suddenly, Jugson and Travers heard the sound of something that they could only describe as ungodly. The looks of resignation on the Carrows' faces, on Snape's face and the look of delight on Dolohov and Macnair's faces told them that the inevitable had already begun.
A gift from the Potter boy was about to arrive.
"All right everyone! Colours!" Macnair stated.
"Red!" Dolohov bagsied immediately.
"White," Snape took a safe bet once more.
"Brown," the Carrows growled, looking sulky that the most likely colours had been taken.
Jugson and Travers could hardly believe their ears. What in the name of Merlin …?
The two Death Eaters watched in abject horror and disbelief as Muggles on some kind of hideous two-wheeled contraption-slash-vehicle pulled up outside of the gates to Malfoy Manor and no one drew their wands. Jugson and Travers counted at least seven or eight of these people outside the Manor, looking extremely tired, disgruntled and like they wanted to be anywhere but here.
"Oh come on!" Dolohov complained. "No red vans? Really?"
"Erm, Antonin? I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I do not think the Brat has sent a gift this time," Snape stated in a deadly cold tone. "The food Muggles are back!"
Macnair lit up instantly.
"EXCUSE ME!" at most three of the Muggles, who had by now spotted them, called out to the group of highly dangerous Death Eaters.
"Delivery for Draco and Narcissa Malfoy?" Alecto sneered.
"FOR LUCIUS MALFOY!" came the collective chorus.
"Oh fuck me!" Travers stated to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. It had begun!
"Ring the bell!" the Death Eater group told them in such perfect timing that Jugson and Travers gaped at them.
It was like they were used to this! Oh wait … they likely were.
Oh no. What had the Potter Brat done to them?!
BRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!
"No, no, no, no, no, NO! I REFUSE TO ALLOW THE FILTH ONTO MY FOREFATHER'S LAND!" Lucius had by now been informed as well what the ringing of the bell meant by his wife, sister-in-law, her monster and the rest of the Inner Circle and was of course abjectly refusing to open the gate as the silver orb floated towards him.
Unfortunately these Muggles were not as patient as the others had been.
BRRRRIIIIIINNNNNG! There went the bell again.
"Lucius, you do not have a choice in the matter," Narcissa stated with a resigned sigh.
"I will not have those mongrels soil my home!"
BRIIINNGGG, BRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNGG, BR-BR-BR-BRINNNNNNGGGG!
It was like a really annoying beat at this point that only Rabastan started dancing to. It was at this point that the Dark Lord intervened. "Luciusssss, you will let the Mugglessss in or face the conssssequencessss!"
*More Boglins for Lucius, more Boglins for Lucius,* Nagini and Thalia began singing.
"EXCUSE ME?!" the Muggles shouted.
Narcissa decided it was best she deal with them again. "Delivery for Draco and Narcissa Malfoy, I assume?"
"Lucius Malfoy, ma'am!" the group chorused.
Back outside, the Death Eater group hoped that Lucius would not be stupid enough to test the Dark Lord's patience.
"Come on, Lucius," Snape stated, "the quicker you get this over with the better."
"And the quicker we get our food!" Macnair added, rubbing his hands together eagerly.
"You need help, Walden," Alecto commented, shaking her head.
"I cannot believe this," Jugson shook his head as the gates to Malfoy Manor creaked open and he and Travers were dragged aside as seven, eight, nine – oh Merlin, they just kept coming in. Fifteen. That was how many Muggles on ugly contraptions were permitted to enter. Fifteen! HOW?!
"I have no idea what Potter is feeding us but I refuse to touch a morsel," Travers stated determinedly.
"You have to," Amycus sighed. "Or face our Lord's wrath."
Jugson and Travers shivered.
The group gathered the bags of food with TACO BELL on the bags with the help of a few lower rank Death Eaters who were by now very well trained in quickly fetching the Muggle nonsense and then disappearing again before they overstayed their welcome. By now, everyone had moved expectantly into the dining room. Jugson and Travers could see the shame on Lucius' face all too clearly as they entered. However, no one was paying their host much attention.
Jugson and Travers were shocked to see the moment that the table was covered with bags, the Inner Circle practically dived into the bags to see what kind of meal the Brat had deigned to send them this time. Even Bellatrix seemed semi-willing to partake, given that she had put Mr. Mupples safely onto her lap with his own napkin just in case of food spillage.
"OK, who wants to try this weird flat bread with stuff inside?" Rabastan announced as he held up a weird food item covered in aluminium.
"Has it got meat?" Fenrir demanded.
"Yes-"
"Give it here!" the alpha stated. Rabastan didn't hesitate obeying.
"That's called a wrap," Severus Snape sighed. "Those crackers that need filing are called taco shells. You need to put the stuff you want to eat in it but careful, it gets really messy."
Narcissa, Bellatrix, Daphne, Millicent, Pansy and Alecto immediately decided to stick with the safer looking options, which was mostly "nachos" apparently, with different sauces and had a side of chips, which the women were actually OK with.
The ones who were not OK with the meal, were Lucius, Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior, who was being bullied by his father into eating the meal before Voldemort could throw a hissy fit. Lucius had been made two tacos by Rodolphus and was flat out refusing to even touch the damn things while Jugson and Travers were given wraps by Severus with a pointed look that translated to 'you had better eat, you damn fools'. The two men had at least the good sense to eat, even if it was just to placate the Dark Lord.
"Lucius, eat!" Narcissa hissed.
"I will not countenance putting this garbage into my body!" Lucius retorted.
"Draco and his friends are eating it. We are all eating it! Stop this – we cannot afford to set a foot wrong right now," Narcissa stated snappily.
Lucius sniffed in Draco's direction. "He is no son of mine."
Narcissa scowled and slapped him around the head for that comment.
Voldemort narrowed his eyes at his former lieutenant. "Lucius, you will eat the food or the next meal you try to eat will be fed directly to Nagini and Thalia."
*The food smells really good,* Thalia sighed happily.
*Normally human food stinks but now it doesn't,* Nagini added.
"Fuck! Not again!" Dolohov laughed as his second taco broke and the filling spilled slightly onto the plate. "This is difficult!"
"This is so unseemly," Lucius lamented, shaking his head at the two tacos as though they were two bombs.
"Yes! I ate one without it breaking apart!" Macnair celebrated, looking pleased with himself.
"Show off," Rodolphus muttered as yet another of his tacos spilled some of the filling as he bit into it.
"Lucius, eat the food or Mr. Mupples will feed you," was the threat from Bellatrix that got Lucius to finally pick up a taco. Frankly Lord Malfoy had no inclination to see how a plushie monster was going to feed him because Bella always found a way!
If Lucius thought that the falcon eggs hatching, the Muggles bringing food and Mr. Mupples were the only nasty surprises that awaited him, he had another thing coming. Because during his evening stroll, the August evening was disturbed by some very high pitch screaming when Lord Malfoy discovered that the pristine tarmac leading to his prestigious gates was soiled by the painted image of a snake with a dagger in its mouth alongside a very aggressive unicorn that had a dagger strapped to its horn.
Someone had graffitied the road.
Naturally, Narcissa had suspected that Draco had gone back on his word, meaning another Malfoy family argument arose for another hour. None of the humans, but the snakes did, seemed to notice that Blaise Zabini and Millicent Bulstrode were trying their best to appear as innocent as they could manage.
Thalia could not resist making light of the situation. *Hey Nagini, I think the Malfoys are turning into Aurors.*
*Oh? Why is that, Thalia?*
*Because they are so Moody!*
Voldemort began to silently weep in despair.
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So Lucius, Jugson, Travers and young Avery are going to find out just how diabolical Harry Potter is, Voldemort is slowly dying inside because of Thalia's puns and jokes and in the next chapter Lucius may lose the will to live and want to go back to Azkaban! Stay tuned to find out what happens.
Finally I got onto tacos! Took a blooming while didn't it? Sorry about that. Also, I looked up if England had a Taco Bell or something during the time period I am writing in. The first ones were opened in 1983 or something but they closed somewhere in 1995 or 1996 so I decided to just say 'eh close enough' and go with Taco Bell!
I am going to do the flamingos next, as well as the rats and the brownies – thank you to the reviewers who gave me those ideas! Please give me more ideas; I would love to hear/read them because they may be mad enough to be included! I am also really liking giving the werewolf pack a book on 1980s hair styles …
I will see you again in my next moment of madness!
Kingmaker'sUmbreon