Lucius Malfoy Almost Regrets Coming Home
Lucius, Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior passed a relatively quiet night – with the odd nightmares here and there – and were still reeling from the experience they had the evening before. However, all four of these naïve Death Eaters thought that the fifteen food Muggles on Malfoy land would be the last of it for a while so they went to breakfast looking a little too relaxed for the taste of the lower rank guards who spotted their blasé expressions. To those who had gotten to know the Potter Brat over the month of being bombarded with seemingly random old Muggle nonsense, they knew that the food was only the beginning.
Especially Draco, Narcissa and Voldemort, all of whom had their Harry Senses going off like alarms. All the Death Eaters, and even Draco's chums, were all sitting on the edge of their seat, seemingly preparing to jump to their feet at any given moment. The only other people in the room who were eating and acting relatively normally – for their doing, anyway – were Bellatrix, Mr. Mupples, Fenrir, Nagini and Thalia. The snakes had wanted to take their breakfast in their 'homes' but Voldemort needed their help to maintain the fear of the Dark Lord in the four disgraced Death Eaters.
Plus, he was low-key jealous that Nagini and Thalia had decided to take a bath together in Nagini's pool rather than use the bath in his ensuite last night but the Dark Lord was refusing to even admit that to himself.
Voldemort had passed a very poor night indeed. He had tried to open the connection between himself and the Boy-Who-Was-Determined-To-Annoy-His-Enemy-To-Death but discovered that the impudent boy had put several mind numbingly stupid games and riddles that his foe had to solve before he could do or say anything that would pass through their link. Petulantly, Voldemort had attempted to break these juvenile barriers but after three hours of failing, had given up and actually attempted to get some sleep – only to find that the Brat could still send him images!
By the end of the dream sequence of disturbing images – from Wormtail being chased by carnivorous melons to Snape in a bikini to Fenrir in his wolf form being paraded in a dog show by Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples – Voldemort was convinced that the Brat may need to see a Mind Healer pronto. Then again, that was already a given …
Surprisingly, it was Mulciber who was late to breakfast that day, looking like he should go back to bed rather than patrol or plan raids. Rowle, Macnair and Dolohov were the first to notice the sad state of their compatriot and friend.
"I think you might need a Pepper-Up Potion," Rowle commented lightly.
Mulciber grumbled something incoherently as he plonked himself down on the chair opposite Rowle and poured himself a big mug of coffee.
"You look like shit," Macnair, who was not really known for subtlety, stated bluntly, looking up from the book he had been reading on troll and giant diplomacy.
"You always look like shit, what's your excuse?" Mulciber retorted, putting the mug to his lips.
"Who ruffled your feathers this morning, Balthazar?" Dolohov smirked.
"Jugson and Travers were moved into the chambers next to mine last night, remember?" Mulciber snarled. "Those fucking knumbskulls snored the entire night and woke me right up out of some pretty nice dreams! It took me ages to get back to sleep."
Jugson and Travers flushed red with embarrassment.
Thalia lit up instantly. *Nagini, what do you call a Death Eater who wakes another Death Eater from their slumber?*
Nagini raised her head eagerly. *No idea. Tell me, Thalia!*
*A Dream Eater!*
*Girls, please, it is too early in the morning for this,* Voldemort pleaded, head in his hands.
*Oh come on, Tom! You're just in a poopy mood because the Potter hatchling turned the tables on you,* Nagini pointed out, hissing slightly with laughter. *Will you have time to play with Nagini and Thalia today or are you too busy with meetings again?*
*He's never busy in the meetings. He sits there doodling different ways to carve out the Potter hatchling's eyes,* Thalia commented.
*Why don't you ladies see if Wormtail is being a lazy cretin and go bother him?* Voldemort grumbled sulkily, suddenly wishing the girls had taken their breakfasts back in their snake habitats.
*Well, the rat is definitely in need of exercise. We have been going lax on him,* Nagini mused. *I could use some sport this fine morning! You coming, Thalia?*
Thalia slithered after her friend. *Absolutely! Hey, Nagini, do you know what animal Wormtail becomes when he needs to wash after running?*
*I don't. Please tell me!*
*A muskrat!*
Voldemort was more than a little relieved when his snakes were gone; hopefully bullying Wormtail would keep them occupied for a couple of hours!
Speaking of creatures that needed to be occupied as well, Draco and his friends made themselves scarce as soon as they finished breakfast, not wishing to overstay their welcome around a volatile Dark Lord who was, no doubt, still angry at Lucius and the other three disgraced Death Eaters.
The children escaped outside, taking their brooms and WALKMANs with them.
"I wish I could write to Potter asking for some more music," Blaise admitted as they headed towards Draco's Quidditch pitch as he changed the CDs in his WALKMAN. "Some of this Muggle tripe isn't all too bad."
"Yeah, well, you know what is bad?" Draco sneered. "Graffitiing the road of Malfoy Manor!"
Blaise attempted to look as innocent as he could manage. "What makes you think it was me, Drakey-poo?"
His friends snorted; Heir Malfoy was not best pleased however.
"First, screw you for that, and second, because I noticed you and Millie smirking your faces off as soon as you were told to retire to your rooms!" Draco seethed. "How could you? You defiled the roads-"
"Oh, please! We brightened them up," Millicent argued with a lopsided grin. "Besides, your mother never said the roads couldn't be painted. They are ignored and never used, unless those Muggles come back."
"Why would you even use those unsightly and disgusting cans to begin with?" Pansy shook her head at her friends.
"For fun," Millicent answered simply. She smirked lopsidedly. "The thrill of possible discovery. The satisfaction of annoying the Malfoys. Take your pick, Pansy, my dear."
"All of the above in my book," Blaise commented, putting his headphones back on.
"Which one of you drew the snake and who drew the unicorn?" Vincent asked eagerly.
"Vincent, really!" Pansy sighed.
"The snake was me and then I told Millie to add her unicorn character to the picture," Blaise confessed happily. "She has been working on that one for a while actually. We call them the Stabby Duo!"
"Of course you fucking named them," Draco growled.
"We should take a photo of it to show it to Potter," Gregory grinned.
Draco rounded on him in an instant. "Absolutely not!"
"It could get him to lay off for a while," Theo pointed out placatingly.
"Permit me to doubt that," Daphne, who just finished listening to her Enya CD, sighed. "Nothing short of a blow to the head that lands him in St. Mungo's will stop Potter and even from there he will try to find a way to keep sending these damn pranks!"
"I simply cannot wait to see what dear old Lord Malfoy is going to receive next," Blaise cackled, rubbing his hands with glee.
"But Lord Malfoy received a delivery yesterday! It usually takes another day or two for those pranks to arrive these days," Pansy frowned.
"Mark my words, the Muggles will be back today," Draco sounded incredibly foreboding. "And Father will not like what Potter sends him at all."
"Set-to-immediately-faint not happy or wailing-like-a-banshee not happy or scream-until-every-witch-and-wizard-in-the-country-hears-him not happy?" Vincent asked with a gleeful smirk.
Draco rolled his eyes. "It will be a toss-up between all three," he predicted rather ominously. He then shook his head slightly to derail that train of thought. "Come on. Let's play a game before Daph, Theo and Blaise decide to listen to their music all afternoon because they're bored and we're not entertaining enough for Their Highnesses."
So, while the children were occupied, a few members from Fenrir's pack had joined Macnair, Dolohov, Rookwood and Rabastan on Muggle Vehicle Look-out duty. The group had tried to pull Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior into it as well but Voldemort had decided to put the three disgraced Death Eaters to work.
Their duty? Cleaning Nagini and Thalia's 'homes' – without magic!
The pack members who joined the four Death Eaters were Tyler Reed, the Beta, Lydia Roden, Rhydian Beynon and Crystal Holland. The Death Eaters had been quietly shocked when they first met Fenrir's pack that some of the members were quite young, in their late teens, early twenties, including Roden, Beynon and Holland. Reed was at least in his thirties, early forties.
"It really is a pity Potter seems to be smart enough to hide his scent with each delivery," Reed commented as the four werewolves reached their Death Eater allies. "It would make finding him a whole lot easier."
"Fenrir has sent you on a Hunt Potter Down and Rip His Legs off Mission?" Dolohov gauged with a grin.
"Not yet," Roden confessed dryly. "He may be tempted to if Potter targets him again."
"He was pretty tempted when he discovered you girls used the hair removal cream," Beynon smirked.
Roden and Holland rolled their eyes in unison.
"You boys may be contented to be covered constantly in hair and fluff but we're not," Holland sniffed indignantly.
Beynon rolled his eyes. "I am going to see if I can get a better vantage point on the wall. You girls coming?"
"Hell yeah!" Roden grinned.
"Sure, why not? It beats standing here looking dopey," Holland added.
"We do not look dopey!" Macnair protested, looking affronted.
"Yes you do," the werewolves chorused before the three younger werewolves sprang into a run down the gravel way and then leapt into the air at impressive heights onto the high walls surrounding the Manor and its grounds and sat down, keeping their eyes trained on the roads.
"Walden, you have to admit we do look rather silly," Rookwood tried to cool his friend's sulky temper.
"I think someone is still a little grumpy from having to sit on the toilet for almost an hour after dinner," Dolohov chuckled nastily.
"Shut the fuck up, Antonin! You had to sit on the toilet almost just as long!" Rabastan scoffed. "We all did, apart from our Lord, for some reason – and the ladies, of course, but they refused to partake in the tacos."
"The boy must have poisoned us," Macnair stated stroppily.
Reed chuckled. "I think it's because you poncy wizards are just not used to good food. We didn't need the toilet either, if you will recall."
"You've had tacos before?" Rabastan asked curiously.
"Of course," Reed rolled his eyes. "My family used to make trips to America and my father loved tacos so we had them more times than I can count."
"So then why did we have to use the toilet so much?" Macnair complained.
"Because Taco Bell does that to you," Reed grinned and chuckled. "Potter picked a very good one to send to you when it comes to pranks. You think you're getting nice food – you are, that isn't the point – but then you're stuck to the toilet for an hour and that's possibly precisely what he was aiming for."
"That evil little shit!" Dolohov laughed, mirth dancing in his eyes.
"It's bloody genius!" Rabastan added, clutching his sides laughing.
"I sometimes have to remind myself the Brat is our enemy," Rookwood commented, pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head.
Macnair folded his arms almost in a manner akin to a child who was still trying to be angry at his parents. "Well, the Brat had better send something insanely funny to Lucius today or I will find a way to haunt the little shit's dreams."
"I think you may need to speak to our Lord on that matter," Dolohov told him gleefully.
Reed rolled his eyes at the antics of the wizards. "I think if the Brat gets any more entertaining I might consider giving him a thirty second head start if I am ever ordered to hunt him down."
"You mean like you gave that frisbee yesterday?" Rabastan dared to quip.
Reed growled. "I was distracted!"
"Sure, you were," Rabastan drawled in a manner Snape would have been proud of.
Reed was about to retort when suddenly his hyper-sensitive werewolf ears pricked up. Not long afterwards, Roden, Beynon and Holland started howling in excitement and jumping and doing acrobatics on top of the wall.
"They're coming, they're coming, they're coooooommiiiinnnnngg!" the three werewolves sang.
The Death Eaters lit up in unison, which made Reed splutter slightly with laughter. Yup, definitely a case of Pavlov's Death Eaters!
"All right, lads, colours!" Rabastan exclaimed.
"Red!" Dolohov and Macnair stated at the same time and glared at each other.
"I said it first," Dolohov growled.
Macnair scoffed. "No, you didn't!"
"Yes, I did-"
"Gentlemen, please," Rookwood sighed. "I say white."
Macnair huffed. "Fine, I'll say brown then. Fuck you, Antonin."
Dolohov looked very pleased with himself.
The roaring of the van engines drew ever closer. The werewolves and the Death Eaters watched them pull up unblinkingly, waiting with bated breath for the colours. Rookwood looked very pleased with himself when the giant white van pulled up. Macnair was furious when two red vans also pulled up and no brown van showed itself once more.
"Sucks to be you, Walden!" Dolohov gloated.
"I hate you," was Macnair's curt answer.
The Muggles got out of their vans, shaking their heads at each other – clearly they once again had issues finding the Manor – while one of the Muggles from one of the red vans looked unbelievably nervous for some reason.
"Hello there!" the three werewolves on the wall chorused.
The Muggle who was already on edge freaked out, almost jumping out of her skin while the other two simply laughed at her and looked up at the dangerous Dark creatures who were grinning down at them, showing some abnormally sharp canines.
"Hello," the group heard the Muggle from the white van answer with a smile. "This is Malfoy Manor, correct?"
"Yes! Of course it is," Holland replied with some sass. "Who is the delivery for?"
"Lucius Malfoy," all three chorused and the Muggles exchanged a look of surprise.
"Well then, what are you waiting for?" Beynon grinned. "Ring the bell! We have been expecting you."
The Muggles gulped in unison at that ominous statement but the Muggle from the white van did as he was told.
BBBBRRRRIIINNNNNNNGGG!
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO-"
"Lucius-"
"NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN, CISSY! I have barely recovered from yesterday-"
"Luciusssss, you will open the gate!" Voldemort had arrived, along with the rest of the Inner Circle, Fenrir, the rest of the pack, Nagini and Thalia. Draco and his friends came legging it into the parlour not too long afterwards.
The silver orb was by now already in front of Lord Malfoy, who was sobbing internally.
"Yes?" Lucius snapped sombrely.
"Erm … sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have deliveries for Lucius Malfoy," came the dreaded answer.
"Whhyyyy?" Lucius wailed.
"Is he OK?" they heard one of the Muggles whisper.
"Because we do?" the only female amongst the poor Muggles answered weakly at the same time.
Fenrir narrowed his eyes at the orb. "Why are Lydia, Rhydian and Crystal on the wall?"
"I bet they were on look-out duty too," Avery Senior smirked.
Fenrir suddenly lit up, an evil but mischievous look in his eyes. Voldemort caught on in an instant. "No, Fenrir, you will not order your wolvessss to attack the Mugglesss!"
It wasn't every day that Fenrir Greyback pouted like a dog caught in the mud by its owner but the Death Eaters were treated to the sight.
Unfortunately, Thalia had another joke-pun for this occasion.
*Hey, Nagini, what do you call a person who tells a werewolf that he is not allowed to attack with his pack?*
Voldemort already started to cringe.
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*A pack blocker!*
Why me?! Voldemort wailed as he facepalmed once more.
By now, the vans had been let onto Malfoy land, despite Lucius resisting one more time, with the young werewolves chasing the vans up the drive way, the four Death Eaters and their Beta following at a more leisurely pace.
Lucius, Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior were soon met with the true extent of the diabolical mind of the Boy-Who-Was-Going-To-Make-Their-House-Arrest-An-Absolute-Misery. The four of them watched in horror as box after box after box was unloaded from each of the vans. One Muggle unloaded around ten of them, another had unloaded about one hundred pet cages and the Muggle from the white van unloaded a total of two hundred oddly shaped boxes, looking utterly exhausted and was very thankful that Rabastan and Rookwood had decided to give him a hand with them.
"What in damnation is happening here?!" Travers wailed as he watched in absolute disbelief.
"Lucius' presents have arrived!" Yaxley smirked at the humiliated Malfoy Lord.
"But … how … why … I don't understand!" Avery Junior was short-circuiting it seemed.
"Lucius was never going to be spared," Bellatrix informed with manic giggles. "Indeed, Mr. Mupples, itty bitty baby Potter knows Lucy was partially responsible for Siri's death … yes, Mr. Mupples, I know it was my spell that ended him – I remember clearly. I have no idea what the boy has sent, Mr. Mupples, that's why it is called a surprise!"
"Oh Merlin," Jugson pinched the bridge of his nose.
Jugson should have kept his mouth shut. "That is Ralston, Mr. Mupples. He is new, yes – yes, he is taking care of one of your friends. Well, why don't we ask him? Raaaaalston, how is Madam Flutterbee doing?"
It was at this point that Jugson and Travers turned a nasty shade of white. They had discovered the furry, multicoloured ugly eye-soars that were the Pet Monsters in their chambers and had thought they had been some kind of prank from Yaxley, Mulciber and Macnair. As such, they had promptly turned the fluffy monsters into fluffy pillows.
They were now bitterly regretting that decision.
"Eeeeeerrrrm …" Jugson gulped. "Well … Bella … she may have a case of Spontaneously Turned into a Pillow Syndrome."
"SHE HAS WHAAAAAAAT?!"
The room began to physically shake and the poor parlour windows cracked once more, this time creating spidery trees within the glass. Rodolphus and Narcissa were forced to restrain an irate Bellatrix – and no doubt angry Mr. Mupples – from stabbing Jugson's eyes out with her new dagger.
"I WILL GUT YOU AND TURN YOUR BODY INTO AN INFERUS, YOU NASTY, DISGUSTING LITTLE MAN! WE WILL FEED YOUR INNARDS TO THE BABY FALCONS! I WILL PUT YOUR HEART INTO CISSY'S BLENDER! YES, MR. MUPPLES – THIS ONE DESERVES A VERY SLOW DEMISE INDEED!"
Jugson and Travers had the good sense to move as far away from the murderous Dark witch as they could.
"I want to go back to Azkaban," Travers muttered. "It was somehow quieter."
Thalia didn't grasp the severity of the situation.
*Hey, Nagini, what do you call a Death Eater who decides to mess with Bella and Mr. Mupples?*
*An idiot?*
*Nope, a Death Greeter!*
They were saved by the arrival of Dolohov, Macnair, Rabastan, Rookwood and the four werewolves, carrying several boxes and cages each, all of them wearing Cheshire cat grins from ear to ear. Lucius at this point looked as though he wished his chair was cursed to eat the person sitting on it.
"Present time, Lucy!" Dolohov sang eagerly.
"I will not open them," Lord Malfoy sniffed.
The Dark Lord's ruby eyes glowed ominously. "Yessss, you will, Luciussssss, or I will get otherssss to do it for you and you will have another Boglin!"
*More Boglins for Lucius, more Boglins for Lucius,* the snakes chanted giddily.
I hope that my forefathers forgive me, Lucius stated to himself as he woodenly got up to his feet and went to one of the boxes that wasn't odd or was a cage that likely had some kind of creature lurking in it. He drew his wand, used a Cutting Charm to sever the tape and then took a deep fortifying breath as he opened the flaps and looked inside.
Lord Malfoy's brow furrowed in an instant, abject confusion hitting him.
"What is it, Lucy? Cosmetics, new shoes, ugly clothes?" Macnair questioned giddily, bouncing a little on his feet in anticipation.
Lucius didn't make a verbal answer. He simply reached in, distastefully picked up one of the plastic containers and held it out to Macnair. Macnair immediately took it and began studying the contents.
"What is that … is that more food?" the Death Eater's eyes lit up.
"Seriously?" Rabastan looked disappointed. "But what is it?"
Macnair prised open the Tupperware box to get a closer look, Dolohov, Rabastan, Rookwood and several others peering in as well. They were an odd shaped cake – they had no idea what it was but they knew it was a cake definitely.
Snape recognised them immediately. Lily's mother used to make them after all. "They're brownies. A type of Muggle cake."
"They smell kind of funny," Reed informed, the rest of the werewolves also looking at the brownies curiously.
"Well, they were in boxes just now, they're not exactly fresh," Mulciber pointed out.
"Be that as it may, I think we should have them tested for something inside just in case," Snape stated and held his hand out for the box. Macnair handed it to him and Snape ran a few curse, hex, jinx and poison detection spells.
Nothing. The brownies were clean. Snape frowned at them suspiciously. What had the Brat done? Because there was no way that the evil little tape worm hadn't done something to them!
"Clean," Snape was forced to declare.
"HOW?!" Draco and his friends couldn't believe their ears either.
"There has to be something done to it, surely!" Pansy couldn't help herself.
"Apparently not, dear," her mother smiled kindly, eyeing the Dark Lord carefully.
"I don't trust it," Rodolphus declared, shaking his head at the brownies. "This is Harry Potter we're talking about. There must be something in them."
"We can deal with them later," Voldemort stated with a tone full of authority, Snape putting the Tupperware box down on the coffee table almost immediately. "Luciusssss, next box!"
Lord Malfoy took another fortifying breath, quietly regretting every decision he made that led to him being humiliated like this, and approached the odd shaped box, the Death Eaters and the werewolves watching, eager to see what the Boy-Who-Was-More-Conniving-Than-Anyone-Ever-Gave-Him-Credit-For had sent next. Draco was quietly dreading it on his father's behalf while his friends were on the edge of their seats.
The contents of the box caused a disbelieving silence to descend on the group. It lasted for about ten seconds before almost the entire Inner Circle were practically on the floor, tears streaming down their faces because they were laughing so hard. Nagini and Thalia practically needed resuscitation. Draco and Narcissa were the only ones appalled and close to fainting. Even Voldemort was attempting to keep a straight countenance but failing miserably!
A plastic, pink flamingo.
The Boy-Who-Wanted-To-Be-Cursed-Into-An-Early-Grave had sent garden decorations!
Lucius' face went redder than a strawberry. "HAAAARRRRYYY POTTERRRRRRR!" he shrieked at such a high note that soprano singers would have been very impressed with him. The poor windows cracked even more that this point.
"Good news, Lucy: you have one hundred and ninety nine more of them!" Amycus Carrow announced gleefully.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
There was now a crack in the antique mirror above the fireplace as well.
"Don't worry, Lucy, we will find good places for them," Dolohov 'reassured' with an evil smirk.
"YOU WILL NOT PUT THESE MONSTROSITIES IN MY GARDEN!"
"YOU JUST WATCH US!" the rest of the Death Eaters chorused.
It was at this point that the raucous they were causing lured out the resident of the cage to carefully check what the hell was going on around it. Lucius' screams had gone up an octave when he saw it.
"RAAAAAT!" he shrieked. "That cretinous little bleeder has sent me rats!"
*Fooooooood!* Nagini and Thalia cheered when they noticed the creature too.
The rat was back in its hidey hole quicker than they could blink when it saw the snakes. It was precisely at this moment there was a sound of several different things being dropped outside in the main entrance hall.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" came the cacophony of screams from the lower guards.
Everyone rushed out to see what had happened, only for Narcissa, Alecto, Bellatrix, Daphne, Pansy, Millicent and several others to join in the shrieking when they saw around twenty rats scurrying around the floor in a wild panic. This time, Lucius did faint!
Nagini and Thalia were ecstatic.
*FREE BUFFET!* they cheered in perfect harmony and immediately dived into the fray, eager for a rat they could actually eat.
Narcissa was fuming. The flamingos were one thing; these rats were another! "I WILL GET YOU BACK FOR THIS, POTTER! MARK MY WORDS!"
The adults were so busy that they had not noticed that Vincent, Gregory and Theo had snuck a brownie each and had started to eat them.
##########################################
"There's nothing on the radio mate."
"Not even the news of a missing Muggle?"
"Nope, not even that. It seems this didn't do the trick either."
Harry and Ron had spent the entire morning the following day switching through magical and Muggle radio channels to see if Lucius Malfoy had or had not managed to keep his temper because of Harry's presents. Molly had taken Ginny and Hermione on a girls' day out so the boys had free reign around the house. Unfortunately for the Boy-Who-Still-Could-Not-Believe-That-His-Enemies-Were-Showing-Self-Restraint, it seemed that Old Snakeface and his Death Munchers were still determined to not give him the satisfaction of an obvious reaction.
The only reaction Harry got was abject amusement sent through his link with Captain Red-Eyes and some images of the Death Eaters going around the Malfoy garden with the flamingos, putting them in some very funny poses or places.
But it wasn't the reaction he wanted – not at all!
"I think I need to switch to another target already," the Boy-Who-Was-About-To-Pick-One-of-His-Most-Dangerous-Targets-To-Date stated with a cold, calculating smirk.
"Already? You don't think Papa Malfoy got a heart attack?" Ron smirked.
"Obviously not, which is so boring," Harry huffed. "I think I need to pick someone a little bit more fun."
Ron knew the evil look in his friend's eyes by now. "Oh, blimey, Harry! You really have gone round the bend, haven't you? You're going after Bella the Psycho!"
"Let's see if Mr. Mupples can keep her sane through her gift giving," was Harry's silky response.
"So, what are you going to give her?" Ron dared to ask. "Frilly robes and lace masks?"
The son of Prongs lit up. "Ooooo that is actually a good one, I need to remember that! But no – I remember that Dud still has some old stuff lying around that he isn't using anymore and I hope that there is some interesting ideas amongst them. I already know what I am going to send Target Number Two so I have got that covered. Now … Target Number Three …"
Ron sighed. "Hey, mate, you went after Fenrir, right?"
"Yes, so he's definitely boring for now-"
Ron was almost regretting his next words. "So, why don't you try to piss him off indirectly like you did with You-Know-Who? Send stuff to his pack, not him."
The Boy-Who-Was-Definitely-About-To-Become-Werewolf-Chow started radiating with evil energy. "Oh that is just simply perfect! I think I may even know what to send them already. They have sensitive hearing … fireworks could work … but I also want Lucius to be ashamed of coming home … wait, I know what to do!"
Without saying another word, the Most Suicidal Prankster of the Wizarding World bolted out of the kitchen door with his best friend hot on his heels, ran into the garden outside, dodging the gnomes that had already started coming back and bolted straight for Mr. Weasley's Muggle stuff-filled shed. As soon as he got to a phone, the godson of Padfoot dialled his aunt and uncle's house, bouncing slightly in anticipation.
Someone picked up after the second beep this time.
"Still no sign of the assassins, eh, cousin?" Dudley stated, a grin clearly on his face from the sound of his light tone.
"Nope, so I am going to now target one of Voldemort's most bloodthirsty attack dogs!" Harry stated jovially, ignoring Ron's flinch.
"Oh, good God, who?" Dudley asked eagerly.
Harry's eyes darkened momentarily. "Bellatrix Lestrange, the one who killed my godfather."
"Oh boy, some actual payback, huh? Who else?"
"You know me too well by now. I was thinking of sending some shampoo to one of my teachers, Snape – seriously, it looks like he never washes his hair sometimes!" Harry pulled a face of disgust.
Ron looked like the cat who caught the canary and gave Harry a thumb's up.
"Yuck," Dudley agreed. "And the third?"
"Fenrir Greyback's pack."
Dudley snorted. "So you have decided to piss off a bunch of werewolves further? Great. You're dead for sure!"
"Nah, I want to piss off their leader and Papa Malfoy through them," Harry admitted with an evil grin.
"My point still stands, cousin. So what have you got in mind for Voldemort's top bitch and the pack?" Dudley's casual question made Harry snort with laughter.
"Well," he composed himself. "I was hoping you would still have some old stuff I could send good old Bella. The bitch doesn't deserve new things right now."
"Awwww that's a pity because I was just thinking that you could send, yes some of my old games, consoles and telly but not too long ago the Virtual Boy got released by Nintendo and for a bunch of people who likely have never experienced gaming it could be seriously trippy especially since it takes you into a virtual reality space-"
"Dud, say no more! Do it," Harry was positively glowing. "I don't give a shit at this point, as long as it makes her angry, or faint or cry on Mr. Mupples' shoulder!"
There was a moment of stunned silence.
"Who in the Sam heck is Mr. Mupples and why would Voldemort allow one of his followers be called that?" Dudley demanded, sounding utterly disbelieving.
"You remember those My Pet Monsters that we sent?" Harry grinned.
"Course, I do – oh wait, oh shit, no way, the psycho witch adopted one of them?!"
Harry gave his cousin a moment to recover from almost death by laughter. "OK, did not see that coming!" Dudley exclaimed once he had gathered his breath. "So we have a plan for two targets, what were you thinking for the pack?"
"Electric slot cars," was Harry's answer. "With enough expansion packs that they can make tracks around the entirety of Malfoy Manor!"
"New style or old timey ones?" Dudley asked eagerly. "Some of the old timey ones do make a racket and if the werewolves' hearing is sensitive, they could potentially hear the electric humming in the new ones-"
"I think we should mix it up," Harry grinned. "Send what you can, and make sure it is addressed to 'the Greyback Wolf Gang'."
Ron and Dudley snorted simultaneously at this.
"Will do, cousin. I need to clean up my room anyway so you're giving me a hand with this cause now all my old shit is actually being put to good use! Hey, out of curiosity, do you know if anyone has eaten Malcolm's brownies yet?" Dudley questioned with interest.
"'Fraid not, Dud, sorry. Been trying to find out but so far – nothing," Harry grumbled. "Voldie isn't being fair. He's refusing to show me."
Dudley spluttered. "No shit, Sherlock! That would be giving his enemy info. That's just dumb."
"Well, he hasn't been all too bright up to this point," Harry pointed out, much to Ron's dismay.
"Fair enough. Gotta go, cousin. Stay alive!"
"Will do! See ya, Dud! Thank your mates for me."
When Harry put the horn down, Ron started chuckling. "I can't believe I am saying this, but I hope that psycho cow actually tries to come to visit to give you a Cruciatus or two for what you're plotting!"
"Oh I definitely deserve it," the Boy-Who-Could-Not-Resist-Pissing-off-His-Enemies-To-The-Nth-Degree stated happily. "You want to go and play some wizard's chess?"
"Sure! I will be red to give you a chance this time."
"OI!"
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As expected, Lucius is regretting being released from Azkaban and Jugson, Travers and Avery are going to find out just how suicidal our hero – I suppose we have to call him that – actually is!
Thank you to the reviewer who suggested baby shampoo for Snape; that is too good to not do! I already had my own idea for Bellatrix and the wolf pack but the KISS make up and the books on 80s hair styles and hair dyes are definitely on my list so thank you to those reviewers who suggested them! If any one of you have a good idea for Rodolphus, Rabastan, Macnair, Dolohov or Rookwood, please let me know!
I should apologise in advance if the story sounds a bit wobbly here and there; I haven't been feeling well lately. I caught stomach flu and I have been trying to keep up with my writing despite it all. I hope you guys had fun reading it and I will see you in the next chapter!
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