Hush Little Death Eater, Don't You Cry – On Second Thoughts, Please Cry A Lot
If Lucius, Jugson, Travers and Avery were under the illusion that the day before had been nothing but a bad dream, the sight of the garden of Malfoy Manor being decorated with cheap plastic pink flamingos soon knocked them back into the reality of the metaphorical siege they had found themselves under. There was also another factor that dispelled the potential wool that they had tried to pull over their own eyes: the fact that Blaise Zabini, Vincent Crabbe and Theo Nott had come late for breakfast that morning.
The evening before, Blaise, Vincent and Theo had been acting so strangely that everyone at the Manor had been extremely tempted to send the boys to St. Mungo's. Blaise had been singing Italian lullabies to the flowers in the Malfoy garden because apparently 'the fairies were not happy with the same songs being sung around them'. When Vincent was asked by the Dark Lord where his father and mother were, because he apparently needed to speak with them, the boy's candid answer had been: "Sir, don't ask me. Ask your hippo." As for Theo, not only was Draco able to beat him during wizard's chess for the first time in his life, the Nott heir had spent the entire time shouting at his chess pieces that 'their dance moves are completely off rhythm and that it was annoying and throwing him off'.
When the three boys started freaking out because they thought Nagini and Thalia had grown an extra head between them, the decision was made to knock them out for the evening and have them sleep whatever it was off. That had resulted in Voldemort ordering Snape, Rookwood and Avery Senior to investigate the Mystery of the Confounded Children, until members of Fenrir's werewolf pack had gone back to investigate the brownies once more and after taking in their scents, and yes eating some, the ones who were not as a high as a kite concluded that the idiotic children had eaten the brownies Harry Potter sent Lucius.
"I knew they were poisoned!" Macnair had gloated gleefully.
Reed had rolled his eyes at that comment. "Hate to break it to you, but the plant that was mixed into this isn't poisonous. Some Muggles even use it for medicinal purposes as well as for fun."
"Animals," Mulciber had snarled before he got sharply whacked around the head by three werewolves.
Well, that morning, Lucius, Jugson, Travers – both of whom had been sleeping with one eye open in case of a still irate Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples – and Avery, had hoped they would be greeted by a more mundane sight. One that they were used to. What they did not expect to see was Nagini and Thalia still finishing the last of the escaped rat colony, the children completely ignoring the adults in favour of their music, and Rabastan shamelessly using the Muggle blender that he had made work with magic somehow and making smoothies for everyone – whether they wanted it or not!
The Dark Lord was sampling a kiwi and banana one, Rodolphus had apple, strawberry and mango, and Bellatrix was willingly drinking a blueberry, blackberry and raspberry smoothie while apologising to Mr. Mupples that he couldn't have any. Fenrir was glaring at his orange, pineapple and passion fruit smoothie as though it was one of the most offensive things he had ever seen. Members of his pack, however, were coming back for seconds without remorse. Dolohov had dragon fruit, grape and pear, which he was enjoying immensely. Rookwood had watermelon, blueberry and apple; Macnair had finished his own smoothie and was trying to steal Avery Senior's, who hexed him with every attempt. The Carrow twins were flat out refusing to touch theirs as was Yaxley. Snape actually seemed to like the cherry and beet smoothie Rabastan had slid under his nose without asking if he wanted one. Even Wormtail had been permitted to get one – an orange, carrot and ginger smoothie no one seemed to want. Narcissa was working down a strawberry and banana one.
"The world's gone mad," Avery Junior stated, sounding slightly defeated.
Unfortunately, Rabastan clocked their arrival and grinned at them. "Ah, gentlemen! Good morning. You arrived just in time. I need someone to taste my kale, avocado and cucumber smoothie please? And this one too – pineapple, blueberry and cut oranges! I also have one with raspberries, orange slices, mango slices and chopped banana. Oooo how about my kiwi, watermelon and grape one? Maybe not for you, Lucy, you look a little green yourself!"
"I'll take that one," Travers answered begrudgingly, pulling a face.
"I'll take kale, avocado and cucumber," Avery Junior sighed, looking like he wished the floor would swallow him.
"I'll take pineapple, blueberry and cut orange then," Jugson decided.
Lucius was set to protest but then caught sight of Voldemort giving him a pointed look before taking the last glass filled with the fruit smoothie, quietly crying on the inside, sitting in between his wife and son dejectedly and had to be made a plate full of waffles by Narcissa as it seemed he was going on a mini hunger strike in protest.
The issue was, the smoothies were rather good.
Thalia had a joke for this occasion, much to Voldemort's dismay. *Hey Nagini, what is Rabastan's favourite song?*
*I have no idea, Thalia. What is it?*
*Smooth-ie Operator!*
Voldemort suddenly had kiwi and banana smoothie come out of nose because of his spluttering.
*That one isn't as good as your other ones,* Nagini commented.
*Yeah I can do better. Here I have one already!*
Goodie, Voldemort found himself thinking.
*What will be Rabastan's nickname amongst his friends by the end of the day?*
*No idea, Thalia. Tell me!*
*The Death Blender!*
Why has Morgana forsaken me? Voldemort wailed internally.
She never liked you in first place, came the snarky reply in his head. She's not into snake as far as I know.
Voldemort clenched his jaws. LISTEN HERE YOU IMPUDENT-
And suddenly the Link was closed once more. Voldemort immediately began cussing the Brat out in Parseltongue. While Nagini and Thalia were hissing in laughter, the rest of the room watched in fear, waiting for someone's impending doom to come.
It had to be at this precise moment that Blaise, Vincent and Theo groggily came into the room. A few snickers ran around the Death Eaters at them but the boys had the good sense to get to their seats and quickly as they could under the watchful glare of the Dark Lord.
"Yes, Mr. Mupples, the silly children are finally awake! Indeed, Mr. Mupples, eating brownies by itty bitty Potter is not a good idea – that should have been obvious. It is Muggle filth after all! What's that, Mr. Mupples? The smoothies are Muggle? They are not! The machine runs on magic now! No more filthy Muggle electripicity needed."
"Electricity," Rodolphus corrected her wryly.
"Shush! It is rude to interrupt someone when they are talking!"
"No one was talking."
"Why are you always so mean to Mr. Mupples?!"
"Why do you not spend time with me anymore?!"
"What are you talking about? Yes I do!"
"Not without stupid Mr. Mupples you don't!"
"Mr. Mupples isn't stupid!"
As the Death Eaters watched the marriage drama between Rodolphus and Bellatrix unfold as though they were watching their favourite sitcom, one of the lower ranked Death Eaters came to inform the group that their eagle chicks were doing well and were growing at a healthy rate – this actually calmed Bellatrix enough for one minute until Rodolphus just had to make one more snide comment.
"Why does he have a mask? He doesn't need one, except to hide how ugly he is."
That caused Bellatrix to go red in the face and storm off in a huff.
Thalia hissed with laughter. *Someone is going to get a new rug today.*
*A new rug? When? Will it be the Potter hatchling's latest trick?* Nagini asked eagerly.
*Oh did I say rug? My mistake; it will just be Rodolphus, kicked out of his bed again,* Thalia giggled.
Voldemort regretted telling her about that instantly.
Straight after breakfast, Jugson, Travers, Mulciber, a sulking Rodolphus and Avery Senior went outside for the customary Keep All Eyes and Ears Open for Muggle Vehicles duty, along with Reed, Roden, Beynon and Holland, who found the experience way too much fun to miss out. The young werewolves took a seat on the wall again. Jugson and Travers had of course been ordered to by the Dark Lord on pain of having to find a way to rid the Malfoy road of the graffiti that was still on it.
Apparently, all attempts at removing the unsightly snake and unicorn had failed. The blame had immediately been laid at the Boy-Who-Knew-Precisely-How-To-Piss-off-His-Enemies' door, without realising it wasn't the fault of the paint in the cans but because of the spells Blaise and Millicent had used to protect their creation a little while longer.
"Did you have to be such an O-grade prick to Bella at breakfast?" Mulciber commented to Rodolphus.
"I hate that fucking toy," Rodolphus grumbled.
"Yeah well, we all do. Issue is, Mr. Mupples gives her direction," Avery Senior pointed out. "She cares about a bunch of falcon chicks, for Merlin's sake, because of it! Unless she gets attached to a potted plant in favour of the damn monster, we will be stuck with Mr. Mupples a whole lot longer than anyone might like."
"We used to plan raids together and design weapons together," Rodolphus pouted. "Now she doesn't do that with me but with that overgrown, ugly toilet brush!"
"Dolph, you are aware that you're jealous of a fucking plushie monster, right?" Jugson sighed. How was this real life?
"I am not jealous!" Rodolphus snapped, going bright beetroot in the face.
"Sure you're not! And I didn't piss in Lucy's garden and then blamed it on one of the peacocks," Reed stated sarcastically.
"I. Am. Not. Jealous. Of. Mr. Fucking. Mupples!"
"Not even the hedges look convinced, my friend," Avery Senior informed him dryly.
"You tried to assassinate him five times that I know of," Mulciber added.
Travers and Jugson blanched.
"How did he escape with his balls?" Travers wanted to know.
"Half-baked excuses that Bella didn't doubt," Mulciber informed, shaking his head. "He should not have been allowed to escape with his life with some of those pathetically weak excuses that I have ever had the misfortune to hear."
"Half-baked?" Rodolphus tried to look affronted. "I was only scratching his back-"
"-with a fucking bread knife!" Mulciber thundered.
Reed snorted. Avery Senior split his sides; Jugson and Travers looked ready to shut themselves into their rooms and not come out until the insanity around them had died down.
"How do we even know if the Potter boy has decided to send something that will arrive today?" Jugson huffed.
"We don't but we have to check just in case," Avery Senior replied brightly once he had regained the ability to breathe.
"Plus, it beats sitting inside all day or patrolling round in circles," Mulciber added.
"We are staring at a gate!" Travers pointed out sharply. "Looking for abominations we should be obliterating and not letting in!"
"Settle, Derrick," Rodolphus stated warningly. "You might jinx the delivery-"
"Good!"
"-and make our Lord angry."
Travers gulped. Not so good.
Mulciber turned to Reed with a curious look. "Why is it that none of you are afraid of Fenrir?"
Reed snorted. "The only time he's terrifying is when he's angry or hunting. The rest of the time he's just a giant grumpy puppy. Plus the only time he ever raises a hand or claw against us is when we become mutinous."
"I take it that does not happen often," Avery Senior stated wryly.
"No," Reed admitted with a lopsided grin. "He did spend one entire full moon chasing after Lydia, Rhydian, Crystal and some of the younger ones because they managed to push him into a giant mud puddle – Fenrir wasn't too happy with his spontaneous mud bath. The kids were put on the naughty corner for a good week!"
"The naughty corner?" Rodolphus repeated.
"Yep. It was close to our piss hole," Reed informed with a bit of a disgusted look. "You sit and stare at a wall. It isn't fun!"
"Just curious, what do you think of the Potter boy's nonsense?" Mulciber wanted to know.
Reed smiled fully this time. "I think he's inventing a new type of warfare and I don't even think the boy himself realises it."
"You sound like you have respect for him," Rodolphus commented.
"You don't have to like your enemy in order to show respect," Reed countered easily. "I mean, we're getting free stuff that the boy knows will send all of you jumping into the sky and your Lord lets it happen! It's like the boy knows the Dark Lord cannot resist a good mystery, and let's face it – none of you knew that a blender was a thing."
"Touché," Avery Senior concurred.
Before the Beta could reply, Reed's ears pricked up again and an excited grin spread onto his countenance. The Death Eaters straightened to attention when they saw this. Roden, Beynon and Holland were howling enthusiastically and bouncing on the balls of their feet in eager anticipation. Jugson and Travers gulped nervously.
"So, do you think Lucy will be targeted again?" Jugson wanted to know.
"Honestly, I have no idea," Mulciber smirked evilly. "But all I know is that this is going to be good!"
"All right, gentlemen, colours!" Reed laughed.
"Red," Rodolphus bagsied instantly, causing his friends and colleagues to scowl.
"White," Mulciber followed with the second most likely.
Avery Senior huffed, looking a bit sulky. "Brown."
The Dark wizards and werewolves watched the delivery vans approach with unblinking gazes. Rodolphus smirked triumphantly when the red Royal Mail van pulled up first. Mulciber preened with satisfaction when the strange white van pulled up a second later and Avery Senior lit up like an excited child when he saw the brown UPS van follow suit. Rodolphus and Mulciber were not as happy, however. Jugson and Travers pinched the bridge of their noses, shaking their heads.
Reed laughed. "Everyone's correct! No loss of Galleons then I take it?"
"Unfortunately," Mulciber and Rodolphus growled in unison. Reed was impressed at how animalistic the two of them sounded in that moment!
Meanwhile, the ever exhausted and confuddled Muggles had gotten out of their vans to take in their strange surroundings.
"It seems the rumours I have been hearing might be true," the Royal Mail Muggle commented to no one in particular.
"You too?" the Muggle driving the white van raised an eyebrow, surprised.
"Well you lot have been coming here often!"
The three Muggles jumped out of their skin and only calmed down when they saw the young adults up on the wall, grinning down at them. The UPS Muggle was a little weary about the animalistic look they were being given by these seemingly normal late teens. He could have sworn the three of them were regarding them as some kind of new toy to play with!
"So, who is the delivery for this time?" the only boy amongst them asked with an eagerness that took all three Muggles by surprise. It was like he had just been waiting to ask that question!
But unlike the last time, the Muggles gave different answers.
"I have a deliver for Mr. S. Snape," the Muggle in the brown shirt replied.
"I have a delivery for Mrs. B. Lestrange," the Royal Mail Muggle added.
"I have a delivery for both Mrs B. Lestrange and Greyback's Wolf Gang," the Muggle from the white van answered.
"FOR US?!" the three kids squealed excitedly. The Muggles watched as they turned around and began bouncing as they shouted back at someone. "REED! THE POTTER BOY HAS SENT US PRESENTS!"
That was when the Muggles noticed the men dressed all in black and the tall, muscular guy next to them in a grey T-shirt and dark jeans, laughing at the antics of the young folk up on the wall, clearly used to their exuberance.
The UPS Muggle decided to pluck up his courage and call out to them. "Hello? Are any of you Mr. S. Snape?"
"No, sorry," Rodolphus called back with a small smirk. "But he is a guest here. You will have to ring the bell to catch the owners' attention I'm afraid."
"Oh, Merlin!" Avery Senior laughed.
"I told you this was going to be good!" Mulciber gloated, rubbing his hands together in glee.
BBBBBBRRRRRRRRIIIIIINNNNNNNNNNNNGGG!
"DON'T THESE MUGGLES HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO?!"
"Lucius, it is their job-"
"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THEY GET PAID TO DO THIS?!"
"Yes, Lucius. They do, apparently."
"DELIVERING NONSENSE TO INNOCENT PEOPLE'S DOORS ON BEHALF OF AN EVIL LITTLE BRAT IS NOT A JOB WORTH PAYING, CISSY!"
"Unfortunately, in the Muggle world it is," Snape sighed, trying to gather what little patience he had left as he sipped his tea.
"Plus, you are not that innocent," Yaxley commented with a grin, dipping his cookie into his tea.
Lord Malfoy was a nice shade of purple by now. "I REFUSE TO OPEN THOSE GATES!"
"Luciussss, what did you jussst sssay?"
Lord Voldemort really did have a sense of timing it seemed. The Inner Circle, Nagini, Thalia, Fenrir, the rest of his pack and the children all spilled into the parlour once more, eager to know who was going to be at the other end of the Boy-Who-Was-Getting-More-and-More-Diabolical-With-Each-Prank's latest scheme this time. Bellatrix was one of the least excited ones, mostly because she was still fuming at Rodolphus. Mr. Mupples was nestled happily in the crook of her arm, saying nothing.
"Who wants to bet that Potter is still not happy with Lucy and has decided to try again?" Macnair asked eagerly.
"No way! I bet he has switched targets already," Dolohov grinned. "Hogwarts starts again soon, in only a few weeks. He has all of us to go through before that!"
Everyone watched the silver orb float in front of the Malfoys eagerly, waiting with bated breath who would be the latest patsy.
"Hello? Am I addressing the home owner?" the Muggle from the white van asked politely.
"Unfortunately," Lucius growled, taking some satisfaction from the nervous expressions on the three Muggles' faces when they heard his irritation. "What do you want?"
"We have deliveries for your guests, sir," the red-T-shirt Muggle replied.
It was at this point, Rhydian stuck his face in front of the silver orb. "BOYS, THE POTTER BOY HAS SENT US PRESENTS!"
Fenrir paled in five seconds as the rest of his pack started to chatter excitedly.
"Rhydian, stop it!" they heard Crystal scold as she and Lydia clearly yanked him out of the way of the orb.
"To whom are they addressed?" Narcissa inquired primly.
The UPS Muggle spoke up. "I have deliveries for a Mr. S. Snape."
Half the room already started laughing in anticipation.
"I have a delivery for Mrs. B. Lestrange," the Royal Mail Muggle replied.
"EXCUSE MEEEEEEEE?!"
The people in the room winced, clutching their ears at the impressive pitch Bellatrix's voice went to.
The white van's Muggle finished with, "I have deliveries for Mrs. B. Lestrange as well and for Greyback's Wolf Gang, as you may have heard for yourself already," he tried not to laugh.
Bellatrix had steam practically coming out of her ears. "I AM GOING TO TEAR THE ITTY BITTY POTTER TO PIECES! NO, MR. MUPPLES, HE WILL NOT HAVE SENT SOMETHING NICE!"
"Get in line," Fenrir growled.
Snape was quietly seething, his knuckles very white around the ear of his tea cup. Potter, I swear that if you have sent something distasteful, I will make your life even more of a misery than I was already planning on doing!
Narcissa waved her hand, letting the Muggles onto Malfoy land once more.
They watched Reed, Roden, Beynon and Holland run after the white van eagerly with Rodolphus, Mulciber and Avery Senior trying not to laugh and Jugson and Travers looking like they were praying for some kind of miracle. The Death Eaters and the werewolves were eagerly counting the number of boxes unloaded from the vans.
Out from the UPS van came fifty boxes. Snape already had his head in his hands after Box Number Ten.
From the Royal Mail van came three boxes. Bellatrix was already not happy with this but was absolutely furious when another one was unloaded for her from the white van. The werewolf pack though were soon bouncing up and down like excited children when around two hundred brightly coloured boxes were unloaded from the van.
"Morgana have mercy," Rowle commented, shaking his head with a bright grin on his face.
"I am going to dangle the boy by his ankles into a vat of hot oil!" Bellatrix seethed.
"Wow, you're showing restraint!" Rabastan quipped but quickly took a spontaneous interest in the carpet as his sister-in-law glowered at him.
The lower ranked guards dutifully brought the boxes inside, with Reed, Roden, Beynon and Holland bringing in the brightly coloured boxes meant for them. The rest of Fenrir's pack didn't waste time to come out and help, eager to find out what they had been sent. Bellatrix sneered as Rodolphus brought her boxes in for her; Rodolphus visibly wilted and made himself scarce as his wife glowered at the box as if trying to set them alight with her eyes. Snape was regarding his own box with an equally disgusted look.
Voldemort, sensing the rebellious inclination in two of his best lieutenants, narrowed his eyes at them. "Bella, Ssseverusss, if you think about not opening you boxesss, you will be getting more Boglinsss!"
Someone put me out of my misery, Snape wailed internally.
"Yes, my Lord," Bellatrix deflated in about two seconds.
Voldemort smirked in satisfaction. "Sssseverusss, you firssst, I think!"
The werewolves pouted but didn't say anything as they sat cross-legged on the floor with their beloved boxes. Severus Snape wished the sky would spontaneously fall just so that he could be saved from the ignominy he was about to endure. With an elegant nonverbal Cutting Charm, Snape severed the tape, opened the box and looked inside.
Moment of silence.
"POOOOOOTTEEEEERRRRRRRR!"
There went the windows again, causing the lower rank guards to weep internally.
"What is it, Snape?" Dolohov asked eagerly, rubbing his hands together with glee. "Is it a mirror? Did he send you a nice fur coat? Something to cover your nose?"
Completely red in the face, a murderous glint in those dark eyes, Severus Snape lifted out a purple bottle, green bottle and a yellow bottle, slamming them down on the coffee table with such force, everyone could not believe the table hadn't shattered yet. The Death Eaters, Voldemort, the snakes and the werewolves went to take a closer look – and promptly died laughing.
On the purple bottle was the label Johnson's Baby Bedtime Bath. The green and yellow bottles both had the label Johnson's Baby shampoo.
"Oh my …" Macnair was able to say before promptly dying again.
"Baby shampoo … he sent baby shampoo …" Rabastan was desperately trying to breathe.
*Hush little Death Eater don't you cry,* Nagini sang happily. *Potter hatchling will buy you a Muggle thing.*
"Well, good news, Snape!" Rowle grinned. "In the unlikely event you ever procreate, you have one less thing to buy!"
"You had better watch what you eat and drink today, Thorfinn!" Snape snapped.
Unfortunately, Thalia had just finished reading the bottles and had lit up. *Hey Nagini, why do you think it is a good thing the Potter boy sent these shampoos?*
Nagini stopped humming and frowned. *Because Snape's other shampoos aren't working properly?*
*No, because he needs them to stop the tears he's going to cry! Hahahahaha!*
Voldemort couldn't stop himself snickering at that one.
Up next was Bellatrix. She was muttering expletives and cuss phrases the entire time as she drew her dagger and viciously sliced open one of the cardboard boxes that had been put in front of her nose. She opened the box, blinked at the contents and began screaming at the contents.
The Death Eaters rushed to see what it was, expecting to see some kind of rodent or something. What they did not expect to see was an odd box was a screen on it. Snape, who had decided to enjoy Bella's pain to soothe his own, grinned. "Well, well – a television set. An old one by the looks of it."
"Get it away from me!" Bella hissed like an irate cat.
"What does it do?" Rabastan wanted to know eagerly.
"That depends on what you want to watch. Muggles get their news from it, watch sports, films – ah, here is a remote!" Snape lifted the long rectangular device out with a grin. "Muggles use this to flip the channels, as they say."
Rabastan's eyes began shining.
"Next box, Bella!" Voldemort ordered.
The second box was sliced almost as violently. Bellatrix spilled the contents onto the table. There were different coloured boxes with different names: Phantasmagoria, Trials of Mana, Dragon Quest VI, Tekken 2, DOOM, MYST, The 7th Guest, Castlevania Chronicles, Golden Axe III, Virtua Racing, Another World, Street Fighter II and Mario Paint were some titles. There were other titles too: Lion King, Maverick, Jurassic Park, Schindler's List, Home Alone, The Addams Family, Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, Goodfellas, and Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
"The boxes look different," Macnair commented.
Rookwood couldn't resist seeing what the differences were and opened the boxes to investigate them. He was surprised to see that even the tapes or CDs or whatever they were, they were also very different.
"This is so confusing," Alecto grumbled. "What are these things even?"
Snape smiled. "If I had to guess, some of them are video cassettes and some are gaming cartridges. But the games only work on consoles-"
All eyes turned onto box number three. Bellatrix, now an unhealthy shade of purple, gutted the box and shoved it towards her friends, looking about ready to slice into them as well. Lo and behold, within the box were foreign machines with cables that looked a lot like a nest of snakes with the amount of them there were.
"OK, how do we know which one goes with one of these monstrosities?" Amycus huffed indignantly. "And of course the Brat doesn't send some instructions because why would you?!"
"Well, we will figure it out," Rookwood stated with a grin, which was shared by Rabastan.
"Yippeee!" Bellatrix replied sarcastically. "I am positively constipated with excitement! Yes, Mr. Mupples, Rookwood has indeed gone round the bend! No, Mr. Mupples, vibration therapy is not going to help him now. Yes, Mr. Mupples, he now has no chance of ever getting married."
Rookwood spluttered at that, causing a few chuckles to ensue.
Thalia was quick on the draw. *Hey Nagini, what do you call a Death Eater who ruins a perfectly good atmosphere?*
*A Death Sulker?*
*Close! A Mood Eater!*
*Girls, really? That was so unimaginative, the boy could have done better,* Voldemort really wished he had a nose to pinch right about now!
*Nagini, what do you call a jealous Tom?*
*I have no idea, Thalia, tell me.*
*Lord Grumpy-mort!*
Voldemort spluttered in indignation at that. He distracted himself from the urge to put a Muffliato on his snakes by rounding on his favourite lieutenant. "Bella, lassst box if you pleassse."
Now the last box was good enough to give an indication of what was inside on its own front. VIRTUAL BOY CLASSIC with an image of a red box-like thing on two legs with a weird remote attacked to it.
"It looks weird," Fenrir commented with a sniff.
"Oh and the rest doesn't?" Travers shot back.
"Can we open our stuff noooooow?" the werewolves whined, sounding very much like whinging eight-year-olds. True, because some of them were eight-year-olds but it was quite disconcerting to hear young adults sound almost as petulant as the actual children.
"No," Fenrir growled at them.
"Why not?!"
"Because I don't want to be the one to clean up after your shit!"
Thalia didn't like Fenrir's attitude all too much.
*Hey, Nagini, what do you call a werewolf who complains a lot?*
*No idea, Thalia. Tell me!*
*A winge-and-whine-wolf.*
"Fenrir, you will allow you pack to open their boxesss or you can only hunt in Ssscotland from now until Yule!" Voldemort threatened.
"Stupid fucking boy, I will rip his spine out of his back and bury it under Fudge's flower pots!" Fenrir raged.
"Fudge has no flower pots," Yaxley commented.
"THEN I WILL THROW THE FUCKING SPINE INTO THE NORTH SEA FOR THE SELKIES TO PLAY FETCH WITH!"
"Playing fetch is your job," Dolohov had the balls to quip.
The alpha's eyes began glowing ominously. "WHY YOU-"
"FENRIR!" Voldemort raised his voice for the first time in what felt like an eternity, so the entire room immediately began to quake. "ENOUGH!"
The alpha of the most powerful and dangerous werewolf pack in Great Britain glowered at the Dark Lord, clenched his teeth and stomped out of the room, snapping, "FINE!", as he went. His pack looked sad but the younger ones were already opening their boxes happily. A few of the older werewolves recognised what their contents were.
"AWESOME! Electric slot cars!" they cheered.
"And we have more than enough to make a cool track," one of the teenagers added, pointing to the boxes in the main hall.
"Let's see how long and big we can make it and race on it!" Beynon stated.
"YAAAAAAY!" the young werewolves cheered and rushed out of the room to immediately get to work.
The Dark Lord, the Inner Circle and the snakes came along, fascinated to see what the werewolves were going to do. They watched as the werewolves tore open the boxes enthusiastically, taking out tiny Muggle vehicles, tracks and controllers and began laying a long road down the corridor, working together to make chicanes and fun twists and turns.
Lucius was appalled. "They will take up the entire corridor at this rate!"
"Awwww, Lucy's jealous Potter didn't send him a cool pwesent," Macnair teased with an evil smirk.
Lord Malfoy spluttered. "I most certainly am not jealous!"
Voldemort was. His jaw was clenched the entire time as he watched the young werewolves work excitedly, especially when Rabastan, Dolohov, Rowle, Rookwood and Rodolphus began helping with the track and finding out how the slot cars worked. Once again the Potter Brat had deigned to send a bunch of werewolves a proper gift and not one to him or any of the other Death Eaters yet!
How bloody dare he?!
Thalia saw his expression and giggled. *I change my mind. He isn't Lord Grumpy-mort, he is Lord Jelly-mort!*
And that was the comment that earned Thalia a miniature clown wig and nose, and had resulted in Nagini ignoring Voldemort for the rest of the day.
########################################
"I think we should go for Greyback's pack again, only this time with books on hairstyles."
"That could definitely work. Ron, I also liked that frilly dress and lace mask idea of yours for dear old Bella. What else?"
"Oooo, ooo, our mum is really into self-help books! Maybe we could send some to Malfoy Manor?"
"Yeah, but if we do that we may need to send it to a Death Eater who is psycho but might actually read it."
The Council of Pranks had convened the next day during the afternoon once more. Harry, Ron, Ginny and a very begrudging Hermione were on the phone with Dean, Justin, the Creevey brothers and Dudley, all of whom had somehow rung at the exact same time; Hermione had kindly put the phones under a charm that meant they could all hear each other as well as the people they were calling. Once more everyone couldn't believe that Harry had once more survived the night, given who his recent targets were.
Dudley had a good point and everyone knew it.
"Maybe one of the Lestrange brothers?" Dennis suggested. "I mean I heard once that Rabastan Lestrange was sorted into Ravenclaw and not Slytherin during his time at Hogwarts. Maybe curiosity will kill the cat?"
"Stupid question: what's the difference?" Dudley asked. "Between the two you just mentioned?"
"Ravenclaws are the smart people usually, the ones who usually have their noses permanently in a book," Ron explained. "Slytherins are the ones who will smile to your face before driving a knife in your back."
"Not always; there's also the legacy people," Ginny added. "Kids who get Sorted there because their entire families have been."
"Jesus," Dudley sighed. "Sounds elitist as hell."
The Boy-Who-Was-Being-Fed-Too-Many-Good-Ideas-To-Keep-Up was the one to divert the conversation back. "I think Rabastan is an ironically safe option. Self-help books for Rabastan Lestrange, frilly dresses and lace masks for dear Bella, hair style books for the werewolves … any more ideas?"
"This one may be a little tame," Justin spoke up, "but why do you not subscribe one of the Death Eaters to Muggle magazines? Mother is subscribed to several women's magazines and she gets copies every month delivered to our door via the mail. She never knows what the magazines are going to say."
"Oh, I like that idea!" Dean gushed.
"It sounds a lot less dangerous," Hermione commented.
"They're Muggle magazines. They will be dangerous enough," Colin laughed.
"So which magazines are we going to subscribe someone to?" Ron asked eagerly.
"Oooo, our dad has some really embarrassing ones-"
"Den, we are not going to tell them about that!"
"Fine."
"I think gardening is a good option," Ginny grinned.
"Archaeology," Justin suggested.
"Cooking magazines too," Dudley chuckled evilly.
"I think some Muggle politics too, like the Parliamentary Brief," Dean added. "I also think you should send them Nimbus."
"A broomstick?" Ginny frowned. "Dean, it's supposed to be Muggle stuff only-"
"No, no, Gin, Nimbus is the name of a magazine on art, literature and new ideas," Dean answered quickly. "My mother is subscribed to it."
"That sounds like it could confuse 'em," Dudley laughed. "Gaming magazines should also be sent to 'em since they have my old stuff anyway!"
"I also think magazines on swords, fencing and archery," Hermione surprised them with her contribution. "Let's see how they react to how Muggles used to fight."
The son of Prongs was of course bouncing up and down in excitement. "I say we do all of them! Now, who shall we subscribe to the magazines?"
"How about one of the bastards we had to fight in the Department of Mysteries?" Ron suggested. He frowned for a moment and then lit up. "I know! Rookwood! He's the most likely to read them, being a former Unspeakable and all."
"Oh yeah I remember that guy," Ginny shuddered.
"I will subscribe Rookwood to the magazines then," Justin volunteered gleefully.
"We will get the self-help books!" the Creevey brothers chorused.
"Leave the hair style books and frilly shit to me," Dudley added. "Cousin, how ugly do we want these dresses and masks to be?"
"So awful that I want to be able to hear Bella's banshee screech from where I am," came Harry's candid answer.
"Oh, Harry," Hermione sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "We barely survived the scream from You-Know-Who! Do you want us all to get damaged ear drums or something?"
"Well on the bright side it would mean making Sign Language compulsory at Hogwarts," the Boy-Who-Really-Didn't-Give-A-Knut-About-His-Hearing stated jovially.
"What is wrong with you?!"
"A lot! You should know this by now, my dear unofficial sister!"
Hermione groaned. "The only consolation I have right now is that you will not be able to do this once we are back at Hogwarts and thank Merlin for that – why are you grinning evilly?!"
If lightning had deigned to crash outside at that exact moment, it would have been cartoonishly fitting at the Boy-Who-Was-Going-To-Continue-Bullying-His-Foes-From-Inside-Hogwarts'-Walls started cackling maniacally.
"Oh no, no, no, no, no, no! You have a plan, don't you?" Hermione hung her head dejectedly.
"He does!" Dudley confirmed brightly. "You didn't expect him to have one?"
"Awesome!" the Creevey brothers chorused. "Harry's so cool."
"Harry is most certainly not cool!" Hermione wailed.
The Boy-Who-Had-Gone-Full-Marauder pouted. "Awwww, that hurt my feelings."
"You have no feelings left, you evil cretin," Hermione scowled at him. "They only return once you stop being bored!"
The smirk on Harry's face grew. "Guess Hogwarts is really going to hate me by the end of this year."
"I hope You-Know-Who gives you nightmares!"
"I hope so too! They're rather funny."
"HARRY JAMES POTTER!"
"Oh dear," the Council of Pranks chorused in unison before Dean, Justin, the Creevey brothers and Dudley hung up and set to work.
"This is going to be a long day," Ron commented.
"Understatement," Ginny grinned as Harry skilfully dodged Hermione's attempts to whack him with their father's enchanted umbrella.
It was rather awkward to explain to Molly what had been going on when the umbrella had accidentally opened and suddenly there was a small Muggle sail boat in the garden.
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Bellatrix and Snape were not happy – muhahahahahaha! The werewolves are having fun at least, and so was I while writing this next moment of madness! I am finally getting onto the self-help books – thank you to those reviewers who suggested those – and thank you to the reviewer who gave me the idea for magazine subscriptions for Rookwood!
Once more, I tried to keep to products from 1995 or pre 1995. Keep the suggestions coming! A lot of them have made me laugh so loudly I got weird looks from my flat mates and my SO XD I am so very glad so many of you are enjoying this story.
I will see you all in the next one!
Kingmaker'sUmbreon