Werewolf Treats, Rubber Ducks, New Club Shirts and NERF Guns
"NO! You have got to be kidding me! I fricking had it!"
"No, no, no, no, no, no, I screwed up again! How do these stupid Muggles solve this damn thing?"
"I could have been doing my nails instead of this. Why are you making me do this?"
"No, Mr. Mupples, I don't think this was the right move. Yes, Mr. Mupples, I think I have made yet another mistake. … Mr. Mupples, what are you doing – oh you fixed it well done!"
"YES! Yes, finally I have it! I have it – NO! WALDEN, I AM GOING TO FEED YOU TO THE WEREWOLVES!"
Antonin Dolohov was throwing Tempest Jinxes at Macnair, who had thrown a casual hex, undoing all of Dolohov's hard work that he had been doing for the past fifteen minutes. The breakfast table at Malfoy Manor was full of people sipping smoothies and trying to solve the damn Rubix Cube puzzle. The adults and children were all at it – even Rabastan and Rookwood had abandoned their books and magazines for a while to try and solve the Cube but so far they had no luck either. The werewolves were also doing it while Fenrir watched them grumpily.
Voldemort himself had been trying to solve the Rubix Cube since yesterday evening – the thing had distracted him from his self-help books – while trying to ignore the snickering and teasing that had come through the Link with the Brat as he worked.
Oh come on, Voldie, I thought you were supposed to be intelligent!
Nope, that won't work either!
Oooooo bad luck! Would you like me to play some sad violin music for you?
It was this last one that had really peeved the Dark Lord off and he had snapped back, have you nothing better to do than being a nuisance, Harry? Oh wait, you live to annoy me. How could I have forgotten?!
The boy had laughed heartily at this. I suppose I do have something better to do but right now I am hiding from an angry Hermione and I would rather face another Basilisk, thanks.
Another Basilisk?
Voldemort had found himself repeating in surprise.
Oh come on, as if you don't know. Anyway, I will leave you alone if you tell or show me if your Death Munchers enjoy their little presents.
Voldemort had frowned to himself incredulously and then promptly started scowling. Why should I do that, you impudent wart?
Because if you don't I will start singing some very annoying songs in your head while you work on the Rubix Cube. You ready? Here is the first one! I hope you're a Madonna fan. Voldemort's eyes widened at this. #Swaying room as the music starts, strangers making the most of the dark-#
All right, all right! Stop that heinous noise! I will show you, Voldemort huffed.
During the night? Immediately afterwards from now on?
Voldemort grumbled in Parseltongue. *Fine! I hate you.*
*I hate you too, Voldie.*
The Link was shut before Voldemort could demand how Harry knew Parseltongue.
But the Dark Lord did keep to the end of his bargain, much to his own chagrin. Also to his infuriation, he still had not managed to solve the Rubix Cube by the time it was breakfast and was thus amongst the group who continued to try and solve the thing at the breakfast table.
However, Lord Voldemort was not known for his patience, ergo was losing his patience with the Cube, very quickly. When he was sure everyone wasn't looking, he waved a flippant hand and smirked with satisfaction as the Cube promptly solved itself.
*Tom's cheating.*
*I told you he would. He is a sore loser after all.*
Nagini and Thalia had unfortunately seen him do it. It was a very good thing indeed that no one else in the room could understand the snakes.
"Oh, yes indeed, Mr. Mupples, our Lord has solved it as well! Well done, my Lord!" Bellatrix praised, Mr. Mupples clapping his claws.
Voldemort smirked to himself while the other Death Eaters huffed indignantly to themselves. Rodolphus was one of them and his wife turned to him with a small smile. "Why don't you ask Mr. Mupples for help? He is pretty good with these filthy, Muggle puzzles."
Rodolphus scowled. "I don't need his help, thank you, Bella."
Bellatrix didn't seem to care all too much about his sour mood. "OK, Mr. Grumpy. How about you, Rabastan?"
"AGGGGHHHH! Not again! Half of the fucking blue side is yellow and half the yellow is green!" Rabastan wailed, his head on the table. "Heeeeeelp!"
Bellatrix giggled maniacally. "Mr. Mupples, you know what to do!"
Thalia started tittering. *Hey, Nagini, what is the proper name for the Lestranges when they go loopy?*
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*LeBonkers! Hahaha!*
Voldemort scoffed at that. *You didn't even try to go for French there, Thalia.*
*I would need to know French for that, Tom!* Thalia huffed. *I am only fluent in the Sacred Tongue and Funny-nese.*
Funny-nese! That's a good one, the Brat was apparently back and had heard Thalia.
Do NOT encourage her! Voldemort snapped back.
Oh please, she can't hear me.
No, but I CAN! Which is far more important.
Not really.
HARRY-
And there went the boy again. The Dark Lord scowled at his eggs in frustration.
Mulciber then lit up. "YES! I DID IT! I did it without needing Mr. Mupples! I finally got it."
"ME TOO!" Rowle cheered.
"Only just now?" Vincent Crabbe commented with a frown. "I finished mine ages ago."
His friends snorted and gave him incredulous looks.
"Sure you did, Vince," Theo rolled his eyes as he scowled at his Rubix Cube for the umpteenth time. He had two blue squares and two red squares on his yellow side – again.
"I did," Vincent insisted. "I can finish yours too if you want. You're ignoring your breakfast."
Theo huffed dramatically and tossed the Cube over to Vincent as he turned his attention to his croissant. "Knock yourself out."
Vincent caught it and lit up. Much to the shock of everyone, the boy turned the Cube a total of ten times before he cried out, "Theo, I did it!", and slid it back over to his friend, who nearly dropped jam from his spoon onto the table in disbelief.
"HOW?!" Avery Senior wailed; Crabbe Senior looked very smug indeed.
"I bet it's a fucking fluke," Travers stated, shaking his head.
In order to test that hypothesis, Gregory Goyle had handed his own Cube over to his best mate. Vincent had looked ridiculously happy at the prospect of solving yet another Cube and everyone watched in horror as the normally dense guy rapidly moved the Cube – almost going at lightning speed – and had solved Gregory's Cube in about twelve moves.
"Blinking hell!" Fenrir guffawed. "The kid's good."
Yaxley was amongst the Death Eaters who were refusing to believe Vincent Crabbe was simply just good at solving the Rubix Cube. Yaxley shoved his own Cube towards the child with a sneer and could have hexed something out of anger when the Cube had been shoved back, fully solved in less than a minute, had Crabbe Senior not been glowering at him warningly.
Thalia had noticed the rising tensions and was hissing in glee. *Oh dear. Hey, Nagini, what's the name of the mood adult Death Eaters go into when they are proven wrong by a child?*
*No idea, Thalia, tell me!*
*Crabbey!*
Voldemort began to fake cry as he put his head once more on the table in despair.
Unfortunately, Thalia was in a very punny mood that day and quickly came up with another set.
*Hey Nagini, call me an egg!*
*What? Why?*
*Just do it!*
*OK, Thalia, you are an egg.*
*No, I am not. What are you talking about?*
Voldemort began wailing harder, causing his followers to flinch and hope that the Brat wasn't pushing the Dark Lord's mood more and more to the Kill-Any-Death-Eater-Who-Stutters side.
Thalia didn't take the hint. *I think Tom needs a date.*
*Agreed,* Nagini huffed, causing Voldemort to splutter. *Issue is we don't have any good candidates.*
Thalia lit up. *Bellatrix would be a good one.*
Nagini shook her head. *She already has a mate, and plus Tom isn't very good at dealing with Mr. Mupples.*
Thalia frowned. *Yeah you're right about that. Oooo maybe the handsome werewolf? Reed?*
*Reed deserves better.*
*Fair point.*
By now, the Dark Lord was as red as a tomato. *HEY!*
At least the girls have taste. They could have suggested Fenrir, the Boy-Who-Was-Asking-To-Be-Strangled-In-His-Sleep weighed in at this point.
Of course he bloody heard them!
Issue is, I don't know if they're into old snakes, the Brat continued.
I AM NOT OLD!
Do I need to send you a new walking stick, Grandpa?
GRANDPA?! WHY YOU-
There went the Brat again.
Now in an incredibly sulky mood, Voldemort dismissed the Death Eaters, the children and the Greyback pack. Rookwood and half the kids went to watch Scooby Doo with Rabastan following with his head back in one of his self-help books. The rest of the Greyback pack went to race their slot cars again, much to the chagrin of patrolling guards. Rodolphus, Yaxley, Snape, Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior had snuck one or two self-help books from Rabastan and Muggle magazines from Rookwood and had settled in the parlour for a morning full of reading. As for Dolohov, Macnair, Mulciber, Rowle, the Carrows, Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples, they had joined the werewolves for their racing. Mr. Mupples had even raced for one of the teams.
Draco, Theo, Vincent, Gregory, Blaise, Daphne, Pansy and Millicent had taken over Gatewatch Duty. Avery Senior had decided to join them to make sure that neither Blaise nor Millicent could give Lucius or Narcissa or their parents more silver hairs. The children were not too unhappy about being joined by the Death Eater. Avery Senior had always been one of the more mellow followers of the Dark Lord.
Daphne, Gregory and Theo were listening to their music while Avery Senior asked the children about whether they had tried to weird 'video games' or watched any movies or tried using the Oowahwah board again.
Blaise grinned. "I think James Potter and Sirius Black would be haunting Malfoy Manor if we tried contacting Lily Potter again. We haven't tried to contact anyone else; we might do to try and get some advice for Draco on the Vanishing Cabinet but so far – we are just too chicken."
"We are not chicken!" Draco protested.
"Yes we are, especially you," Millicent shot back. "Phantasmagoria almost made you scream."
"Mill, it did make him scream," Gregory grinned. "As did DOOM."
Draco scowled at his friends. "Need I remind you that all of you started crying when Mufasa died?"
"Yes, because that was genuinely sad!" Pansy wailed.
"And now that we're on the topic of emotion, why the hell were you laughing at the kid being left home alone with two crazy Muggle thieves about to rob his house?" Millicent continued indignantly. "The kid was lucky that he was so evil and clever and that his older brother had a tarantula because otherwise he would have been in serious trouble!"
Draco snorted. "I laughed because his family is full of bloody idiots."
"At least he wasn't laughing during Schindler's List," Vincent pointed out.
"I really want to see Jurassic Park and Goodfellas again," Blaise put in excitedly.
"Yes! Watching prehistoric beasts eat a bunch of stupid Muggles even cheered Auntie Bella up," Draco agreed happily.
"I have never heard someone cheer so loudly for a Tyrannosaurus Rex," Millicent chuckled.
"The Muggles deserved what they got," Pansy shook her head. "Trying to keep behemoths behind bars is just asking for trouble."
"Let's hope they aren't actually doing that," Vincent looked nervous at this prospect. "I don't fancy reading in the Prophet, MUGGLES GENETICALLY CLONE DINOSAURS ESCAPED FROM SECRET ISLAND: GIANT MOSASAURUS IN THE CHANNEL!"
"I think we should worry more about the flying pterodactyls," Draco pointed out.
"Goodfellas is a good movie, I heard," Avery Senior smiled. "Rabastan especially enjoyed Indiana Jones."
"Doesn't surprise me. I always thought Uncle Rabastan would make a good Cursebreaker," Draco grinned.
"I think The Addams Family is also worth another rewatch," Millicent added. "Wednesday Addams is just so relatable!"
"Morticia and Gomez are couple goals," Pansy added in full agreement.
"I think that may be a step too far," Draco paled at that.
The girls gave him a pointed, judgemental look at this point and simply shook their heads derisively at him.
"Oh dear," Avery Senior chuckled. "It seems that Lucius has not instructed you on the Art of Keeping Women Happy."
"Perhaps because he neglected the book himself," Blaise quipped easily.
Draco scowled. "HEY! That is not true!"
"Yes, it is. Your parents' marriage was arranged, practically, and almost fell down the drain because your dad forgot to buy your mother's favourite flowers for the first meeting," Blaise was very happy he kept his ears open at all of his mother's dinner parties.
Avery Senior chuckled heartily. "Ah yes! That happened. Mainly because of Druella Black's very famous temper."
Heir Malfoy was pink with embarrassment.
"You men aren't much better!" Pansy shot back. "My mother tells my father to do one thing, and then he forgets almost a minute later and does something completely different and then doesn't get round to do the thing he promised to do! It drives both Mother and myself absolutely mad."
"I bet he doesn't mean to do it," Vincent stated. "That happens to me and Dad a lot too."
"And me," Gregory added.
"Same," Blaise sighed. "I want to do something but then something else comes up and I spend my time doing that thing and then – oops, I forgot to do the thing that I wanted to do in the bloody first place! It's genuinely annoying."
"You're also annoyingly curt," Millicent added.
"That's because we say what we mean!" Blaise wailed. "I have to get a fucking Arithmancy chart out to figure out what you girls actually want and then I feel like an idiot when you also want a muffin I snuck from the kitchen."
"To be fair, Blaise, if you sneak food from the kitchens, you may as well bring some for the rest of us," Draco grinned.
Blaise huffed at this. Avery Senior regarded the children with amusement. Speaking of food, when at around lunch time there still had not been a van showing up to the gate, Rodolphus, Macnair, Dolohov and Rowle came outside with some food for the children and their colleague and conjured a picnic blanket on the grass nearby. The four of them relayed to the Gatewatchers that Bellatrix and Mr. Mupples had been beating Beynon's racing team and that Bella seems to have taken to the car racing. They also enjoyed talking about the Scooby Doo episodes that they had seen with Rookwood and the children.
"Every single one of their plans always fail!" Dolohov wailed. "It is either because Daphne plays the damsel in distress, or Shaggy and Scooby somehow lure the damn things to the trap anyway. They capture the damn monsters by sheer dumb luck!"
"Sounds familiar," Macnair muttered.
"Oh please! We almost had Potter and his little friends the last time," Rowle grumbled. "We just didn't expect them to actually be able to stand a chance."
"Which in hindsight was rather foolish," Rodolphus stated.
"Is Augustus betting on the culprit?" Avery Senior asked eagerly.
"Every single episode," Dolohov confirmed with a grin. "Reed has to tell the kids not to give anything away because it ruins Augustus' fun. So far, he only has to forfeit two smoothies to the kids because he only got two guesses wrong."
"I don't get why he would waste his time on a show for children," Rowle sniffed. "There is no point to it."
"For fun," Blaise commented after he finished his second sandwich. He then snorted as a thought struck him.
"What is it, Blaise?" Theo asked with a frown.
Blaise shook his head. "Nothing. Just a stupid thought."
"Well, we would like to hear it," Macnair stated with a lopsided grin.
The Italian-heritage boy smirked. "I was just thinking if all of these pranks are Potter's way of telling us to all lighten up and have some fun in life."
That got the majority of the group to snort with laughter.
"I think he's just really bored," Gregory stated through a chuckle.
Speaking of the presents, it was at this point that the roaring of engines started drifting into their eardrums. The adults and the children leapt up to their feet and stood waiting in anticipation for the vans to arrive.
"Colours everybody!" Dolohov exclaimed excitedly.
"Red!" Draco, Theo, Pansy, Millicent, Gregory and Vincent chorused.
"White!" Daphne, Blaise, Macnair and Avery Senior stated in perfect sync.
"Brown," Rodolphus and Rowle were a little more sedate.
"Come on, you filthy rats, don't let me down," Macnair muttered as the vans drew nearer and nearer.
Two Royal Mail vans and two white Amazon vans drew up outside the gates. Rodolphus and Rowle scowled while the rest of the group cackled gloatingly. There went their smoothies for the rest of the day tomorrow!
"Who do you think is going to be the sucker who gets targeted this time?" Dolohov wondered out loud.
"Nagini and Thalia," Draco didn't miss a beat.
"Oh, Morgana, I hope you're wrong," Pansy paled.
"I also think that Fenrir or his pack may get a few more things," Gregory added.
"Excuse me?"
The Muggles had noticed them by now.
"Hello there!" Dolohov answered jovially. "Who are your deliveries for?"
"I have one for Mr. F. Greyback!" Royal Mail Muggle Number One answered.
"Knew it!" Gregory looked pleased with himself.
"I have a delivery for a Miss N. and Miss. T Snake!" Royal Mail Muggle Number Two added.
"Of course the Brat fucking did it," Macnair cackled.
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Potter, whyyyyyyy?!" Pansy wailed.
"I know Potter by now it seems," Draco commented grimly.
"Our Lord is not going to be happy," Rowle looked absolutely terrified by now.
Amazon Muggle Number One piped up with, "I have a delivery for a Mr. Antonin Dolohov!"
This had everybody stumped – including Dolohov himself, but the Death Eater quickly recovered and looked absolutely ecstatic. "For me?!"
"Yes, sir!"
Amazon Muggle Number Two added, "I have a delivery for the Greyback Wolf Gang!"
"NO WAY!" the children wailed.
Gregory started laughing. "I was right – it was both of them! Ha!"
Draco dreaded what he was about to say. "You need to ring the bell! Only my parents can let you in."
BBBBRRRRRIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGG!
"THE DELIVERY VANS ARE BACK! YAAAAAY!" the Greyback pack cheered as Rookwood, eyes dancing with amusement paused the Which Witch is Which? episode they were watching.
Lucius was busy slapping his face into his book while his wife poured him another cup of lemon and chamomile tea.
The room was filled with the usual mantra at this point. "I hate this boy, I hate him, I hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him!"
"Indeed, dear," Narcissa agreed with an exhausted sigh.
"SEVERUS, CAN YOU ASK THE OLD COOT TO HANG THE BOY IN A CLOSET SOMEWHERE?!" Lucius wailed as his oldest friend stepped into the room, dark eyes dancing with mirth.
"I will make a note of it," Severus drawled as the Dark Lord, the snakes, the Inner Circle and the rest of the Greyback pack all piled into the room again as the orb floated in front of the very tired Malfoys.
"Hey, look! The red Muggles are back!" Mulciber commented as he peered closely at the orb, laughing.
"Hello, are we speaking with the home owner?" one of the white Amazon Muggles asked tentatively.
"Unfortunately," Lucius growled. "Who are the targets this time?"
The Muggles looked thoroughly confused at that but decided not to waste valuable time on their confusion for too long. Their time was literally money after all.
"I have one for Mr. F. Greyback!"
"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO – NOT AGAIN!" There went what was left of Fenrir Greyback's sanity.
The Muggles continued. "I have one for a Miss N. and Miss T. Snake!"
Thalia and Nagini lit up. *We have gotten more presents, we have gotten more presents!* they sang jubilantly.
Voldemort felt one of the veins in his head begin to pulse with anger and envy.
"I have one for a Mr. Antonin Dolohov! Am I saying that correctly, sir?"
"Yes!" they heard Antonin call; clearly he was outside with the Gatewatch.
"I have a deliver for the Greyback Wolf Gang!"
"YAAAAAAAY! WE GET MORE PRESENTS!" the pack went wild with excited anticipation.
Fenrir was screaming into one of the floral cushions on the sofa at this point.
Thalia tutted at him. *Unbelievable! He gets presents too and still he cannot be happy for his wolves when they get presents.* Thalia lit up. *Hey Nagini, what do you think is more amazing than a grumpy alpha werewolf who can actually be happy for once?*
*A singing Tom?*
*Close! A spelling bee! Hahahahahaha!*
What did I do to deserve this? Voldemort grumbled to himself.
Naturally, the Boy-Who-Would-Have-Given-Voldemort-Silver-Hairs-If-The-Man-Still-Had-Hair had to hear him at this point. Would you like a list?
Go away, you annoying insect!
Ooooo touchy!
I am not touchy!
No, of course you're not, Mr. I Crucio People Who Sneeze Too Loudly. You are perfectly mellow. How forgetful of me!
Voldemort growled as the Link closed once more, the boy's smug laughter echoing in his head.
The attention of the people had turned onto the Muggles unloading their vans. Fenrir already looked murderous at the twenty boxes with his name in sharpie on the side. The others' 'presents' didn't have their names on them so they were left wondering which boxes were theirs. The Amazon Muggles unloaded fifty boxes from one and around one hundred boxes from the other. The other Royal Mail Muggle unloaded around seventy boxes as well.
As the Muggles zipped off once more, Dolohov came practically skipping into the Manor with one of his own boxes while the guards did their job and brought the rest inside. Macnair brought one box in for Fenrir, Rodolphus had plucked up the courage to bring two boxes in for the snakes – one for Nagini and one for Thalia – and Rowle wanted to bring a box in for the young werewolves but they had picked two for themselves.
"OK, who goes first?" Amycus Carrow dared to ask.
"I think we should get the screaming from Fenrir over with," Rabastan stated candidly, smirking at Fenrir.
The alpha glared at him. "I will make you start screaming if you don't watch it!"
"Fenrir, I am flattered but I don't see you in the same way," Rabastan quipped easily.
Before Fenrir could make an attempt to tear Rabastan's throat out, Voldemort sighed. "Fenrir, I think we should ssstart with you-"
There was a deafening sound of cardboard being ripped apart and then that was replaced by an almighty, "ROOOOAAAAARRRRR!"
Once everyone felt it was safe to remove their hands from their ears, they moved to have a look to see what had made Fenrir so predictably enraged. Lying on the floor and the coffee table were bright red boxes with happy looking puppies on them with MILK BONE on the front.
Alecto Carrow was the first to break. "Oh my …" was all she managed to comment.
"Is that what I think it is?!" Yaxley paled.
Bellatrix was giggling madly. "Yes, Mr. Mupples, I think those are dog treats! No quite, Mr. Mupples, Fenrir does not deserve them! Hehehehehehehehehehe!"
Fenrir had steam coming out of his ears and nostrils. "I WILL SACRIFICE THIS INSOLENT BRAT TO THE WORLD SERPENT! I WILL TURN HIS SPLEEN INTO A CHEW TOY!"
"You have enough chew toys! Don't be so ungrateful," Macnair quipped.
"Shut the fuck up, you ugly pillow humper!" Fenrir snapped.
Macnair only smirked. "Better a pillow than Amy's leg."
The Death Eaters and werewolves laughed at the embarrassment of Amycus and the boiling rage of the alpha.
*Hey, Nagini, why does summer suck for werewolves?*
*Thalia, please,* Voldemort pleaded.
Nagini lit up. *I don't know. Why?*
*The heat.*
Dolohov's enthusiasm was a welcome distraction for the Dark Lord for once. "May I go next, my Lord?" the Russian asked eagerly.
"Very well, Antonin," Voldemort hissed.
The box was open in seconds, with Dolohov eagerly peering into his box and lighting up as he started lifting out boxes with Lucky Ducks on the front with three happy looking yellow ducks, and then ducks that were pink with kissy-lips patterns on them. The box was positively full of them!
"What in the name of Mordred are those?" Yaxley looked as though Dolohov was airing his dirty underwear.
Snape, who had been hiding his head in his hands, looked up. "Those are rubber ducks."
"Rubber ducks?" Mulciber repeated, shaking his head. "What are they used for?"
"Nothing."
"NOTHING?!" a cacophony of voices sounded at this.
"Well, that is not true. You make them float in the bath with you," Snape stated, already mentally preparing the jinx he was going to throw at the Potter boy for pulling this damn prank.
"Oh no," Avery Junior paled and hurried to check how many there were. The answer: too many. "There are ninety nine boxes of those things!"
*Yaaaaay, which means we can get one or two as well,* Thalia cheered.
*And Tom has company for bath time!* Nagini added.
"Greyback pack, your turn!" Voldemort growled.
The children tore apart the boxes eagerly and started lifting out strange things attached to more cardboard. The things looked like kind of weapons and had strange names such as Hidden Shot, Backlash, Sneakshot, Ballzooka, Ripsaw, Sharpshooter II, Secret Shot, Eagle Eye, Iron Raptor and Mad Hornet. While the wizards were utterly confused at what they were, the young werewolves and even some of the older ones weren't.
"NERF GUNS!" they cheered.
"I will get you back for stealing my make-up, Crystal!"
"Oh, shit!"
Very soon, the werewolves were out of the door with these apparent weapons, chasing each other and trying to shoot each other while trying to retrieve the things that were being shot out of the weapon.
"Oh boy," was all Travers could comment on that.
"Be glad NERF guns are only toys," Reed grinned.
Dolohov grinned at the irate, envious Fenrir. "You think that Potter sent some silver bullets? You look like you could use one."
"Shut the fuck up," Fenrir advised him.
Thalia and Nagini were impatient to open theirs. *Tooooom, is it our turn yet? Please open them! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-*
*Fine, FINE! Pipe down, both of you,* Voldemort huffed as he stepped up to the two boxes as the snakes slithered up the coffee table, eager to see what the Brat had sent them.
The Dark Lord was already dreading what Harry Pain-In-The-Neck Potter had sent his spoilt snakes this time. He cut open the boxes and opened them – only to find that both boxes were filled with clothes. One half of the clothes in one box was emerald green and the other was grey. The other box had black clothes and purple clothes.
Oh no. No, no, no, no, not more of those horrendous Club shirts! It was bad enough a few of his Death Eaters slept in the Hedwig one!
Nagini and Thalia dived into their boxes, looking for something made for snakes. Voldemort, meanwhile, picked up one of the emerald green T-shirts and his eyes glowed a dangerous ruby red. On the front was a cartoon version of Nagini and Thalia – which were annoyingly cute – performing on a stage with WELCOME TO THE NAGINI AND THALIA SHOW above and under the image in silver letters. A few of the Death Eaters could not help but coo at it.
Voldemort then picked up the grey one … and felt like burning it into smithereens. It had a cartoon, cutesy image of a younger version of him, coming out of his diary Horcrux, looking very sulky and a cartoon Basilisk looking sheepish with DO NOT ASK TOM THE TALKING DIARY TO SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS!, above and under the image. This made a few of the Death Eaters physically gape, especially Lucius.
How …? How did the boy know?! Did he even know? Was he just trying to play more mind games?
Wait … why was Lucius looking so guilty?
The Dark Lord made a memo to ask Lucius on the status of his beloved diary later. He moved onto the second box and lifted out a black one. There was a cartoon image of Azkaban on it with the words 'I broke out of Azkaban Hotel. 1/5 Stars' underneath it, which was an instant hit with many of his Inner Circle.
Lastly the purple T-shirt was revealed. It had a giant cauldron and an angry cartoon version of him looking not very happy with the words 'I came back from the dead and all I got was this lousy T-shirt' over and under the image. More than half of the people in the room had to bite into their cheeks to stop themselves from laughing in their Lord's face. Reed didn't even try to hide his amusement; he was crouching on the floor, barely able to breathe because he was laughing so hard.
The vein in Voldemort's head almost popped in fury. What made it worse was that Nagini emerged from her box wearing a made-for-snakes T-shirt of the 'Nagini and Thalia Show' and Thalia soon came out of her box, wearing the 'grumpy Voldemort just re-born' T-shirt.
*Look, Tom! The boy remembered to send snake clothes as well!* Nagini stated happily.
*And they must have sent one especially for you because there is also a really long dress-like T-shirt in mine!* Thalia added.
*Yippee,* Voldemort hissed out venomously.
Thalia pouted. *You can't be Lord Jelly-mort about that! How are you ever going to impress a mate if you keep getting grumpy about buying them a gift?*
*I DO NOT WANT TO FIND A MATE!*
*Not with that attitude.*
With that, Thalia and Nagini took a rubber duck each in their mouths, careful not to bite them too hard, and slithered out of the room, leaving a very pissy Dark Lord in their wake. One could almost hear the ominous music playing in the background as Voldemort rounded on Lord Malfoy, the windows and mirrors once more starting to crack.
"LUCIUS! WHERE'S MY DIARY?!"
It had to be said that the Boy-Who-Knew-That-Lucius-Was-In-For-A-Mega-Arse-Hexing lost yet another round of wizard's chess to Ron because he was laughing so hard at the events he had quietly witnessed.
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"OK, General, status report!"
Dudley, Dean, Justin and the Creevey brothers had phoned immediately after dinner, all eager to know if the Boy-Who-Could-Somehow-Look-Into-The-Head-of-His-Most-Deadly-Enemy saw any of the reactions of Mr. Red Eyes and his Death Munchers. The son of Prongs happily regaled everyone, jumping up and down giddily at the parts he found the funniest.
Especially about Lucius getting yelled at, which had broken even Hermione for the first time.
"A fucking murderous talking diary," Dudley commented once he recovered. "What the hell have you guys been doing year in, year out?"
"Trying not to die," Harry and Ron replied at the same time.
"Yeah, sounds about right," Dean huffed.
"So, what will-"
"-our fearless leader-"
"-gift the enemy this time?" Fred and George asked eagerly.
"I know something that might really mess with them!" Colin piped up immediately. "They don't know what a rubber duck is, right? So they wouldn't know about glow-in-the-dark stars, sea creatures and dinosaurs that stick to the ceiling, would they?"
"Ooooo it could really freak them out!" Justin exclaimed happily. "Especially the dinosaurs!"
"Yeah, but don't you think they have seen Jurassic Park?" Dudley pointed out.
"I doubt it."
"I still say do it!" Harry stated definitively, smirking to himself. "So, who do we send it to?"
"Well, Lucius is acting like a big baby right?" Ron cackled. It seemed that Harry's evil energy was starting to effect his friends.
"Done! Next!" Harry clapped his hands in glee.
"I think we should target Yaxley, but it has to be something really gross and evil to make him start screaming," Ginny put in, her eyes shining.
"I know something really evil!" Dudley exclaimed. "Me and my mates Malcom, Dennis, Piers and Gordon we did this prank on our shitty Maths teacher once. We played several on him but the one that Piers came up with was glitter confetti. The stuff got everywhere and it took ages to fucking clean out apparently!"
Harry's verdant eyes started shining. "Do you think you can get your hands on some more?"
"Sure! You want something else in there, cousin?"
A truly diabolical idea popped into the Boy-Who-Really-Needed-To-See-A-Mind-Healer-At-Some-Point's head. "Footballs and basketballs. Yaxley is a pureblood bigot; it will make him want to faint!"
Hermione sighed. "So we have Lucius Malfoy and Yaxley … who is next?" she dared to ask.
The twins spoke up at this point. "We seem to remember-"
"-that one of our allies-"
"-suggested a trip to-"
"-see Muggles who tend-"
"-to people's teeth."
"Oh yeah, a dentist trip for Fenrir," Justin grinned.
Hermione looked set to explode. "We are not – I repeat, not – bringing my parents into this mess!"
Harry pouted. "Oh come on, Hermione! All we need is to get our hands on a dental hygiene set and your parents know how to get some."
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no – NO! The Death Eaters will find them and kill them quicker than you can catch the Snitch!"
"Hermione, they haven't even figured out that Harry has a Council of Pranks," Ron pointed out. "They can't find him, let alone find the rest of his allies because they have no idea how we're pulling this off. Your parents will be fine."
"How dare you be flippant about this, Ronald Weasley?!"
"OWW! That's just uncalled for!"
Justin then spoke up. "But Granger, they have likely been eating sweets and drinking smoothies or eating without realising the damage they are doing to their teeth," he stated silkily. "They likely might even have one or two cavities or even gum disease-"
"OK, OK, I will talk to them! I will ask them," Hermione huffed, turning slightly green.
"Yay," Harry sighed happily. "Last one!"
"Oooooh, that reminds me! Harry, our aunt has recently given birth and so no longer needs her pregnancy books. Shall we ask if we can 'donate' them to 'someone who might likely need it soon'?" Dennis asked eagerly.
Harry lit up instantly.
"NOT BELLATRIX!" Hermione seethed.
The Boy-Who-Really-Wanted-To-Test-Bellatrix-Lestrange's-Limits pouted sulkily. "Spoil sport."
"Well, Narcissa is still an option," George pointed out with an evil smirk. "As is Alecto Carrow."
"NEW TARGET!" the Council of Pranks cheered immediately.
Hermione hung her head in despair. "I am so glad the summer holiday is almost over."
"Why? I still have my plot to continue this during school, remember?" Harry smirked.
"OH NOOOOOOO!"
Ginny cocked her head at him. "Why do I get the feeling you're going to need extra body armour or protection wards this year?"
"Because I exist," Harry stated happily. "Now, Gin, you don't happen to know if your dad has a mobile phone or two do you?"
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I think I might need to book a spa day or something because I am getting so many good ideas left, right and centre that it just isn't healthy!
I want to thank the reviewers who gave me the ideas for the things written on the T-shirts, the Milk Bones, the rubber ducks and the NERF guns! I also want to thank the reviewers in advance for the ideas for the next episode! You guys are all diabolical and I love it!
Disclaimer: This moment of madness is set in JK's world. The companies who own the rights to the movies, games and toys etc obviously own the rights. I just mention their stuff because I am writing a comedy series. Had Harry Potter been mine, the last part of the series would have been a lot less edgy …
I hope you guys enjoyed reading this and keep those suggestions coming!
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