Yaxley and Alecto's Worst Fears are Realised
"Ow, ow, ow, OWW! Lay off you mongrel brats!"
"This has to be a health hazard – OWWW! Right, that's it! I am telling Reed."
"You fucking brats, you just shot me in the-"
"I hate Potter, I hate these NERF guns, I hate werewolves, I HATE LIFE!"
The Carrow twins, Jugson and Travers were among many of the high and low ranking Death Eaters to be met with snipers and sneak attacks from the young werewolves the next morning. Only Voldemort, Bellatrix, Mr. Mupples, Fenrir and Reed were immune; the rest were fair game. The four Death Eaters found that they had to hide behind shields that they had pulled from the walls nearby in order to defend against these bullets and darts being shot at them from all angles all the way to the grand dining hall for breakfast.
As usual Rabastan was making smoothies while his head was in one of his books. Rookwood was back into his magazines again. A few of the Inner Circle had tried their hand at the Rubix Cube again and much to the horror of the Carrows, Jugson and Travers, almost everyone was wearing one of the new club shirts. The 'I escaped from Azkaban Hotel' was the most popular one; even Mr. Mupples wore one like a dress. The Nagini and Thalia Show one was a close second favourite, much to the chagrin of the Dark Lord. Thalia was sporting the Don't Ask Tom the Talking Diary to Solve Your Problems one, as was Nagini.
Lucius, Yaxley and Avery Junior were amongst the people quietly dying inside.
Dolohov looked up from his self-help book as he noticed them enter, grinning. "Morning, Carrows, Jugson, Travers – did you get the wolves' morning greeting as well?"
"I fucking hate those dogs," was all Alecto commented as she slumped into her chair, Reed and Fenrir glaring in her direction.
"I'll take that as a yes," Dolohov looked a little too smug for her liking.
"Shut it, Antonin," Amycus advised coldly.
Thalia saw yet another opportunity for a joke. *Hey Nagini, I think the Death Eaters might be losing some of their strength.*
*Why is that, Thalia? Is it because they're hungry?*
*No, it is because they got NERF-ed! Hahaha!*
Voldemort started to count to twenty in Parseltongue in his head at this point.
"By the way, which one of you completely filled the bathroom on our floor with little yellow ducks and why was there dried blood on the side of the bath?" Travers asked candidly as he poured himself some pumpkin juice.
Much to everyone's surprise, Dark Lord included, Bellatrix started cackling manically. "Hehehehehehehehehehe, blood for the Blood Duck! The Blood Duck needed to be appeased."
"You have your answer," Snape stated dryly as a lot of people around the table paled.
Thalia lit up at this point. *Hey Nagini, I think I know what stole the red meat for tonight's dinner!*
*What Thalia?*
*A robber duck! Hahaha!*
Voldemort attempted to do some of the breathing exercises that were being advised in the book he was reading in a bid to not start wailing in despair. It was already bad enough that he had to endure feeling the Brat's smugness and glee at the reaction of his snakes and followers the night before. Thalia's bad puns were only adding to his already present vexation.
Why Voldemort agreed to the deal with the Brat was beyond him.
You don't like my singing, that's why, he heard the snide remark from the Boy-Who-Really-Did-Not-Know-When-To-Stop-Being-An-O-Grade-Nuisance.
I don't like you in general, Voldemort shot back.
Now, now, Voldie, deep breaths. You don't want to lose your cool now, do you? After all, men of your age really need to be very careful to keep their breathing in check.
Voldemort's vein started to pop again. I. AM. NOT. OLD!
You're right. In comparison to Dumbledore, you are a thumb sucker, Harry laughed gleefully. Maybe I should get you a pacifier instead of a walking stick.
HARRY-
There went the Link again. Bloody Brat!
Unfortunately, the Dark Lord's snakes had seen his sour expression.
*I think the Potter hatchling was insulting Tom again,* Nagini commented.
*Tom looks like he swallowed a lemon, so yeah. Hey Nagini, how do you insult a tree?*
*I haven't a clue, Thalia. Tell me.*
*You chop down a tree, make a tree house in another tree and say, "Here, I killed your friend. Now hold him!"*
I think I need a Calming Draught, the Dark Lord sobbed to himself because he hated the fact he wanted to laugh so badly.
The Boy-Who-Just-Had-To-Be-Listening-In-At-This-Point started chuckling. You have to admit that joke was actually really good!
Go away, you flea!
Wow, a flea? I think you may be losing your touch somewhat, Voldie. If you had hair I'd be worried that you were someone Polyjuiced as my favourite Snakeface.
STOP CALLING ME VOLDIE!
Nope. Good luck dealing with Nagini and Thalia for the rest of the day. Oh and I would advise Rodolphus to keep an eye on the Blood Duck's sacrifices. You never know if the Blood Duck wants your left pinkie finger.
WHY ARE YOU SO STRANGE?!
I could ask you the same question. Byeeeee! Keep me updated!
The Brat was gone again.
Thalia and Nagini had started hissing in laughter, already more than aware the boy had been back.
*We need to find a way to tell the hatchling about Tom keeping twenty ducks in his bath tub as company for bath time,* Thalia commented.
*It would make an excellent T-shirt,* Nagini agreed.
*DON'T YOU DARE!* Voldemort felt himself flush red in embarrassment for the first time in a long while. *The Brat will never let me hear the end of it!*
*WE will never let you hear the end of it,* the snakes chorused.
"Yes Mr. Mupples, I think Nagini and Thalia said something funny," Bellatrix cackled. "No Mr. Mupples, you are not allowed to come on the next raid with me – you are still too young. Augustus, could you be a dear and watch Mr. Mupples again? Mr. Mupples! Augustus is not boring! He can be perfectly fun! His jig used to be something to behold."
Guffaws ran around the table as the Unspeakable hid behind his magazine, this time in an effort to conceal his embarrassment.
"Jig? You mean the moves that made him look like a ghoul wanting to court?" Dolohov laughed.
"You're being too nice there, Antonin!" Macnair cackled. "The moves made him look more like an Inferi who has been enchanted to dance."
"At least I never fell flat on my face, Walden," Rookwood shot back.
"Was a close call a couple of times," Rodolphus chuckled.
"Oh shut up, you were famous for treading on people's toes," Rookwood countered easily. He looked at Bellatrix and her little monster with a smile. "Mr. Mupples can join myself and the werewolf children today. We are continuing with Scooby Doo."
Bellatrix lit up almost like an excited child. "Yaaaaay! See, Mr. Mupples? Not boring! … Mr. Mupples, you take that back this instant!"
"OH NO!" Rabastan wailed in despair almost a second later, pouting heavily. "I have run out of fruit and yoghurt!"
Thalia tittered at this point. *Hey Nagini, I think Rabastan might need to be taken shopping before he becomes to melon-choly! Hahahahaha!*
On that note, Voldemort thought it was best to disperse his followers, Fenrir, Reed and the Death Eater children for the rest of the day. Fenrir and Reed had managed to get the children to stop shooting – especially since they were very eager to see Rookwood watch all the episodes of all the series of Scooby Doo sent to him – and once they were occupied, started debating once more if they should try and find some of their old turnees to join their ranks. Some of the Inner Circle were sent away again on diplomatic missions, including Macnair, who was momentarily disappointed he was going to miss another potential delivery from the Potter boy. They sneakily kept their T-shirts on over their uniforms and armour. Others occupied their time with reading, racing the slot cars or trying out the NERF guns for themselves. Rabastan went out to get some more smoothie ingredients, much to the horror of everyone. Draco went to the library to study while the others went flying and – in the case of Blaise and Millicent – went to try out their new street art designs on the Malfoy road.
Blaise and Millicent were busy working on a harpy and a Siren as an addition to their snake and unicorn, both whistling and humming I Just Can't Wait To Be King, Be Prepared and the Jurassic Park theme songas they worked. The two barely noticed that Roden, Beynon and Holland had silently taken up their usual place on the wall and watched these two purebloods work in utter fascination. All three of these young werewolves had been Muggles and Muggleborns who had simply been in the wrong place and the wrong time – Beynon had known pureblood culture but Roden and Holland didn't.
Roden, Holland and the other former Muggles were taught by Fenrir and Reed that purebloods were basically the wizarding world's aristocrats. They had this practically affirmed while watching Draco Malfoy and his friends interact and look their noses down on the wolves. Ever since Harry Potter started his campaign of pranking, the young wolves could not help but notice a significant change in the attitudes of the uptight pureblood heirs and heiresses, especially Blaise and Millicent. The two no longer ignored the young werewolves entirely, sometimes even saying good morning, and even let some of the wolves borrow their WALKMAN when theirs broke.
Seeing two scions of apparently magical noble blood engage in street art was something that the three simply had to see for themselves.
Blaise, who had not noticed them yet, stood back from his cool looking harpy with a deep frown on his face. "I think I accidentally gave her a lazy eye," he commented, shaking his head.
Millicent stopped with her Siren's tail to have a look. "It doesn't look too bad. Maybe slightly. We could always give her an eyepatch or something if you are that fussed about it."
"Oooo, I rather like that idea!" Holland could not stay silent any longer.
The three werewolves chuckled as the two purebloods jumped five feet into the air, almost dropping their paint cans.
"How long have you three been lurking there?" Millicent asked once she recovered, looking a little worried.
"Long enough," Beynon grinned, sharp canines shining in the sun. He nodded his head towards their art. "It's looking good. You should think of a few designs to brighten up that creepy castle that is supposedly your school."
"I genuinely think Professor Snape will help McGonagall gut us if we do," Blaise chuckled.
"Perhaps, but it could still be funny to see what would happen," the Welsh werewolf pointed out.
"You can say that because it will not be you who gets sent into the Forbidden Forest or asked to clean two hundred filthy cauldrons without using any magic," Millicent scowled.
"Oh boo hoo, hoo, cleaning without any magic," Roden commented with sarcastic snark embedded in her tone. "Forgive me if I don't lament on your behalf."
Millicent flushed slightly.
Beynon and Holland elegantly jumped down from the wall and joined the two wizards. "May we draw something too, or haven't you guys finished yet?" Holland asked with a slight smirk.
"I need to finish my Siren's tail but I am not using the brown or the white so you can use those already if you want," Millicent smiled smally.
"Yay," Holland took the brown and white cans, and shook them happily.
Her friends, Blaise and Millicent watched her as she set to work next to the unicorn with issues. Very soon, a rather handsome brown and white wolf took form, looking maybe a little too happy, with a knife in its maw, which made it all the more comical. Roden could not resist cooing, while even Millicent found herself awing.
"Well, I suppose most groups have that one 'special' member," was all Blaise had to say about the wolf, smirking.
"Oh so you're the 'special' one of Malfoy's friends, then?" Roden quipped, which made Millicent almost crack her ribs laughing.
"I think it is safe to say Vince already has that title," Blaise countered, scowling. "I hate that stupid Rubix Cube."
"No, you hate being outsmarted by the guy who everyone assumes is dumb. There's a difference," Holland shrugged.
"I hate being outsmarted by everyone. It's just the Slytherin and Zabini way," Blaise answered easily as Beynon started picking up the red, yellow and orange cans and started to get working on a red dragon to join the group of misfit animals. "Doesn't stop it from happening more than half the time since Draco, Daphne, Theo and the Mudblood Granger all wipe the floor with us."
Millicent snorted. "Oh please! You outwit all four of them in pranks and tricks of your own, you toad."
Blaise attempted to look innocent but was failing miserably. Indeed, the werewolves would have likely believed Voldemort was going to anger management than that Blaise truly was innocent of the charge.
"Are you going to get your own back on Harry Potter then?" Roden asked the question the werewolves had all been wanting to ask.
Surprisingly, the Zabini and Bulstrode scions looked a little conflicted by that question. It took a moment for either one to try and find their voice again.
"I probably would not hex his back for this, no," Millicent replied honestly. "I definitely felt like it, five times or so, but I think I would pay him back with an annoying singing stuffed parrot rather than a nasty spell."
"Hey, I didn't mean a nasty spell! You were the one who went straight for the hex or curse," Roden snorted. "Good grief, you Dark wizards need to take a chill pill. You're worse than an American and their obsession with guns."
"I would not go that far," Holland rolled her eyes.
"They still need a chill pill, Crystal," Roden insisted.
"Oh definitely."
"I suppose I would try and send something funny in revenge," Blaise admitted. "Macnair has some really good ideas."
"Which he no doubt will use somewhere this coming year," Millicent chuckled. "Potter is going to need to check his mail every day from September on!"
"If that meddling old coot does not try to intervene," Blaise scowled.
"Oh please, I have a feeling he already knows what Potter is up to," his best female friend grumbled. "Potter would not be able to wage this campaign of madness without the old codger's approval. I am willing to be Professor Snape already tried to get Dumbledore to intervene but the twit was probably too focused on his knitting to care properly."
Beynon, Roden and Holland spluttered. "Knitting?!"
Blaise looked just as confused. Millicent rolled her eyes and huffed in exasperation. "Oh come on! Surely you have noticed that the man is obsessed with knitting patterns? He has several magazines on it lying around his office at all times."
Blaise looked scandalised. "Good Merlin! Do you think it was Dumbledore who knitted the Yule stockings?"
"You mean the ones with cute little reindeer with silly red noses that you liked?" Millicent smirked. "I hope so now!"
"Shut up!"
"What's the matter with Rudolph?" Beynon demanded, looking a little bit affronted.
"Rudolph? Who is Rudolph?" Blaise frowned in pure confusion.
Holland sighed dramatically. "Oh my God, you lot don't know Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Of course you don't."
Millicent blinked in shock. "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?" she repeated weakly.
The three werewolves grinned at each other and then, much to the shock of Blaise and Millicent, started singing.
# Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,
Had a very shiny nose,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even say it glows,
All of the other reindeer,
Used to love to call him names,
They never let poor Rudolph,
Join in any reindeer games,
Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say, "Rudolph, with your nose so bright,
Won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then how the reindeer loved him,
As they shouted out with glee,
"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,
You'll go down in history!" #
When they had finished, Blaise short circuited a bit. "I have several questions!" he announced. "First, what the hell are Muggles doing singing about a magic reindeer? Second, why did no one take the reindeer to a special reindeer Healer?"
By now Roden and Holland were spluttering with laughter. Blaise continued. "Thirdly, first the reindeer made fun of him and then only because of this Santa guy saying his nose is great, they suddenly like him?! That's just a pile of hippogriff droppings. And speaking of this Santa person, what the hell is he doing needing a sleigh pulled by reindeer?!"
"That's how he delivers the presents on Christmas Eve," Beynon smirked. "A magical flying sleigh pulled by reindeer."
"Sounds like a bootleg Odin," Millicent, who took Ancient Runes, commented dryly.
"And another thing – what kind of games to reindeer even play?!" Blaise was having a full meltdown by this point. "Do they play a weird form of Quidditch with their horns since I am assuming they can all fly?"
"Zabini, you are overthinking things," Holland told him bluntly. "You're not supposed to think about it. The song is mostly based on an old film from like 1939, 1940."
"I need to see it," Blaise decided.
"No, you don't," Roden shook her head at him.
"Yes I do! You can't just tell me that there is a song about a magical reindeer with a glowing nose and an actual story behind it and then tell me I can't know the damn story!" Blaise wailed. "I don't care that it's Muggle bullshit; I need to understand the madness."
"Don't you wizards have your own songs too?" Holland asked curiously.
"Sing? Songs specifically for Yule? They don't exist," Millicent flushed a little at this.
"YOU'RE JOKING!" the three werewolves could not hide their surprise.
"Jeez, you guys are so Puritan," Roden added distastefully.
"Well, we kind of do now but they were introduced with the Mudbloods," Blaise informed quickly, not quite understanding what Puritan meant but also knew it wasn't a compliment. "They're all centred around Christmas, not Yule."
"Though we definitely not have heard the Rudolph song at Hogwarts ever," Millicent pointed out.
Holland grinned. "Then we probably shouldn't also point out there are songs about someone wishing they had their two front teeth back, a kid seeing their mother kissing Santa Clause, getting a cold for Christmas, Christmas cake, and a grandma getting run over by a reindeer!"
"Maybe because the Muggleborns know they will start getting awkward questions," Beynon smirked.
"Then the Muggles should have thought about making some better songs," was the imperial remark from the Zabini heir. "By the way, a grandma got run over by a reindeer? Was she flying on a Cleansweep?"
The werewolves blinked at him. Millicent did a facepalm. "Blaise, I think the granny got run over by a normal reindeer."
"That doesn't make the song or the situation any better!" Blaise pointed out. "One ensures that this Santa person has to help pay for her medical bills and the other ensures that the reindeer is going to have to pay damages some other way."
"You wizards are so weird," Roden huffed.
"As if you werewolves are any better," Millicent sniffed.
"Fair enough," Beynon conceded as he checked his dragon. "But that's because we were all mad as hatters to begin with!"
The children continued with their street art for another ten or fifteen minutes before Reed, who had beaten the Death Eaters to Gatewatch duty, came to see their progress, laughing at the number of cute and funny characters that had been added.
"Lord Malfoy is going to have a heart attack," he commented, shaking his head.
"Lord Malfoy is a stick in the mud," Beynon responded candidly, the children laughing in agreement. "At least his road looks bright and unique!"
"It is certainly that!" Reed laughed. "Only I doubt poor Lucius will view it the same way."
"Poor Lucius!" Blaise snorted. "That peacock should be glad we are doing this for free!"
"Indeed," Millicent concurred readily with a grin, looking up from her very cute Chimera.
"Your parents will also not be very happy," the Beta of the Greyback pack could not help but point out.
"My mother has a new husband in sight. I am not important at all at the moment," Blaise stated with shocking candour. "She will only be reminded of my importance by the exploding wedding cake."
Millicent spluttered at this point, almost making a mistake with the paint. "That one is a classic," she managed to say once she recovered the ability to breathe and speak.
"In fact I have half a mind to hire Potter for the wedding," Blaise continued.
"I'd pay good money to see what he would do," Beynon readily stated, laughing.
"I predict a multi coloured smoke bomb and guests running out of building screaming bloody murder," Holland's eyes were already shining at the prospect.
"Or he'll end up releasing Nifflers at the reception," Millicent supplied.
"Nifflers?" Roden frowned.
"Magical creatures that love anything shiny. They hide them in their never ending pouches. Always watch your jewellery around them," Blaise explained. "They're small, black, fluffy and have these weird duck like faces."
"Good to know," Reed chuckled.
Suddenly, the werewolves' ears pricked up and the knowing smirks grew on their countenances. Blaise and Millicent immediately lit up as well. The Muggles were back with more presents, with potentially new targets!
Sure enough, heading towards them were a white Amazon van and three Royal Mail vans. The kids and Reed quickly moved out of the way as the Muggles approached. It was not long after that Dolohov, Mulciber, and Avery Senior rushed up.
"Bugger! We're too late!" Dolohov complained.
"Three red and one white," Mulciber scowled. "Damn it."
"It's a good thing you are late, or you would have forfeited your breakfast smoothie, sir," Holland teased.
Avery Senior chuckled at that. "Yes, indeed!"
"Rabastan is taking his time with the fruit and yoghurt apparently," Reed remarked. "He's been gone for almost two hours."
"Been keeping time, have you, Reed?" Dolohov teased.
"Shut up," the Beta flushed bright red.
"That's not a no," Beynon remarked with a smirk.
Reed mock-scowled at him. "Enough out of you, Rhydian!"
"Excuse me?" one of the Royal Mail Muggles called out, looking a whole lot happier than some of his colleagues. "Is this Malfoy Manor?"
"Yes it is! We are guests of the family. For whom are the deliveries?" Mulciber called eagerly.
"I have a deliver for Lucius Malfoy!" the Amazon Muggle answered.
"Yeeeeees!" Dolohov did a jig in delight.
"Lucius has to faint this time," Avery Senior added, looking utterly jubilant.
"I have a delivery for a Mr. Yax…ley? Is that name correct?" the Royal Mail girl in question was squinting at the name on her clipboard.
"Oooooooh booooooy!" the children chorused in glee.
"Corban is definitely going to faint!" Dolohov cackled happily.
"I have a delivery for a Mr. F. Greyback," the first Royal Mail Muggle added.
"OH SHIT!" no one could contain themselves at this point.
"Potter's dead," Blaise added in a huff.
"I have one for a Ms. Alecto Carrow," came the last name.
There was a moment of startled silence; all five of the adolescents were gaping.
"OK, the boy is double dead," Avery Senior pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I hope that the windows and mirrors have been fortified," Mulciber concurred.
"May we come in?" the Amazon Muggle asked, looking very nervous. "We are on a bit of a tight schedule."
"You need to ring the bell I'm afraid," Reed told them. "We cannot allow you in because we are only guests."
BBBBBBRRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGGG!
"YAAAAAAAAAAYY!" the young werewolves cheered as Rookwood paused the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo movie they were watching. Thalia and Nagini looked excited, as did Mr. Mupples, somehow. "IT IS PRESENT TIME!"Lord Malfoy went to one of his glass cabinets. "Cissy, where is my Firewhiskey?!"
His wife pinched the bridge of her nose. "Lucius, stop being dramatic."
"You just asked him to stop breathing," Rookwood could not help but comment.
Lucius ignored him. "I will not do this sober!"
"You did the last time, dear."
"Unwillingly!"
"Shall I cast the Imperius Curse on you, Lucy? Will that make this better?" Rowle teased as the Inner Circle who were still at the Manor, Voldemort, the rest of the Greyback pack and Death Eater children, and Fenrir entered the parlour.
"I hate you," Lucius growled as the silver orb floated in front of him. He glared at the Muggles. "Yes?" he snapped. "Who has the Brat targeted this time?"
Again, the Muggles were thoroughly confused but they didn't waste much time calling the names.
"I have a delivery for Mr. Lucius Malfoy-"
"Kill me now!"
Rowle lit up. Voldemort glared at him. "DON'T YOU DARE, THORFINN!"
"I have a delivery for a Mr. Yaxley!"
"WHAT?!" Corban Yaxley was as white as his hair at this point as his fellow Death Eaters started laughing.
"Ooooooo Corban's now the target!" Amycus cackled.
"I have a delivery for a Mr. F. Greyback-"
The alpha shoved a floral pillow into his face. "WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME?!"
"It is not always you," Rookwood dared to point out. "You have been skipped several times."
"NOT ENOUGH!" Fenrir roared. "I AM GOING TO ENJOY TAKING A DUMP IN THE BOY'S SHOES!"
"Oh is that all?" Rowle sassed. "No arms being ripped off and being hidden in Lucy's closet?"
Before Fenrir could respond, the last Muggle's target was heard. "I have a delivery for a Ms. Alecto Carrow."
"EXCUSE MEEEEEE?!" Alecto was now whiter than freshly fallen snow whilst everyone started guffawing, cackling and dying of laughter. Even the Dark Lord had to hide his amusement behind his hand. Amycus looked just as scared.
"This should be good," Rookwood smirked.
"THE BRAT BARELY KNOWS ME!" Alecto wailed.
*Ooooo, someone's living up to her namesake,* Thalia hissed sassily, causing Voldemort to be tempted to get one of his fake noses in order to pinch the bridge of it.
"You should know that only excites him," Snape, who naturally could not understand what Thalia was saying, stated, looking extremely exhausted.
"Ewww, that sounds wrong," several of the werewolves complained.
Apparently, Thalia saw golden opportunities for a joke. *Hey Nagini, do you know what else sounds wrong coming out of Severus' mouth?*
*A compliment?* Nagini wagered eagerly.
*Close! Laughter!*
Voldemort didn't even stop the short laugh that escaped from his mouth.
Unfortunately, Thalia had another one for the Potions Master. *Nagini, how can one best tell if Severus Snape is ill?*
*Erm, his face?*
*No, if he decides to wear grey for a day.*
Nagini made a snake version of a snort. *At that point he isn't just ill, Thalia; it means someone has sold him to the fairies for a changeling.*
Thalia lit up further at this. *Ooooo, that sounds like fun!*
Voldemort scowled. *We are not selling my spy to a bunch of fairies for some extra food!*
*No one said anything about food!* Thalia protested, trying her best to look as innocent as she could manage. It wasn't really working.
The Dark Lord actually scoffed at this point. *You didn't NEED to!*
By this point boxes were being brought in for Lucius, Yaxley, Fenrir and Alecto. All four of them glared at the boxes with such undisguised hate and disdain it was genuinely surprising that none of them burst into flames because of bursts of uncontrolled magic. In the case of Fenrir, the alpha werewolf of one of the largest werewolf packs in Britain was once again set to shred the cardboard into smithereens.
Voldemort already knew that he had to try and maintain some control of his most rebellious Death Eaters. Lucius was not very likely to act out too much – he already had several more Boglins in his room (everyone had momentarily forgotten Voldemort had them) and had suffered three Cruciatuses for what had happened to Tom the Diary Horcrux. So, Voldemort decided to see if dear old Lucius might need another Boglin and Cruciatus.
"Luciussss, you firssst!"
Lord Malfoy visibly deflated but he knew better than to disobey his master when he was already walking on such thin ice. While sobbing to himself internally and praying that stray lightning would somehow come down from the sky to strike Harry Potter down, Lord Malfoy stepped up to his box and opened it with a deft Cutting Charm, everyone waiting eagerly to find out what the Brat had sent Lucius this time.
Lucius took a deep breath, and then peered into his box, bracing himself for the worst. Then he saw them – odd plastic shapes in odd plastic. They came in several different forms: stars, suns, moons, octopuses, sharks, fish, jellyfish, corals, sea turtles, dolphins, and dinosaurs. Lucius could not tell which ones; he had flat out refused to watch Jurassic Park every single time it was offered to him. Not even a threat from Mr. Mupples could persuade Lord Malfoy to join the rest of the Death Eaters in watching the Muggle filth.
"Lucy, what is it?" Dolohov asked in a faux sweet tone. "Did Potter send you some nice nail polish?"
Lord Malfoy flushed. "No!"
"What is it, Mr. Mupples? You think Lucy should stop being a big baby and show everyone what is in his box? Yes, I think so too," Rookwood laughed.
"Oh no, not Augustus as well!" Rowle, Mulciber, Jugson, Travers and Avery Junior wailed in unison. "The Curse of Mr. Mupples is spreading!"
Voldemort's eyes started glowing red with impatience. "Luciussss, ssshow the contentssss of your box!" he hissed.
Lucius put his hand into the box and started to lift out the packaged shapes, causing many in the room to frown in utter bewilderment. Except of course some of the young werewolves, who remembered the glow-in-the-dark ceiling decorations from their own homes. But the sneaky, evil little wolves were not going to tell the grumpy Dark wizards that easily.
It was much more fun for them to find out for themselves!
"What in the name of Merlin's overgrown beard are those?" Travers dared to ask.
"Ceiling stickers," came the simply chorus from the young werewolves.
"You put them on the ceiling of your bedroom. They're for fun," Holland dared, trying to make sure she kept a straight face and to not look the creepy, snake-like Dark Lord in the eyes. The man got weirder than normal when making eye contact and she already got the heebie-jeebies from the guy.
*Tooooom, can you put some into our habitats?* Nagini and Thalia pleaded, putting their best puppy snake expressions on. *Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease-*
*FINE!* Voldemort growled.
It's like having two annoying daughters! he complained to himself.
Unfortunately for him, the Boy-Who-Seemed-To-Have-Radar-Ears-When-Voldemort-Was-In-A-Bit-Of-A-Strop just had to hear. The idea of you having kids is genuinely disturbing.
Good! I never wanted children in the first place, impudent Brat!
A good thing too. You'd have Child Protection Services called on you from day one. Child is crying too much – Crucio! The child won't go to sleep – Imperio!
Voldemort was biting into his cheek quite hard at this point because he refused to give Harry Wish-He-Would-Just-Drop-Dead Potter the satisfaction of hearing him laugh at his rather accurate description of Voldemort's patience with babies and small children.
He distracted himself by looking at Fenrir, who looked akin to a rabid dog at this point. "Fenrir-"
That poor box was gutted within five seconds. Small boxes spilled onto the table with Fenrir grumpily opening one of them. Inside there was a set of stainless steel implements: a dental pick, dental floss, a tooth scraper, plaque and tartar remover, dental tweezers, and gum floss. It was a dental hygiene kit.
A vein in Fenrir's head popped. "WHY THAT ARROGANT LITTLE TOERAG!"
Dolohov cackled. "It seems someone already knows your breath stinks without having to come near you, Fenrir!"
The alpha's eyes started glowing menacingly. "I do take care of my damn teeth!"
"Clearly not well enough because they are as yellow as piss and your breath still stinks of sheep," Mulciber sassed.
Fenrir looked set to explode, but one of his older female werewolves stepped forwards. "Fenrir, some extra dental care can't hurt-"
"I HATE THE DENTIST!"
"I am not a dentist."
"I know you're not, Hannah! That is not the point."
"It's not silver either," Rowle added.
"Piss off, you foot licker!"
"I wasn't licking my foot – I had a splinter wound!"
Thalia had a joke for this occasion, unfortunately for Voldemort. *Hey Nagini, I think a fight between Fenrir and a dentist could be fun to watch.*
*Oh really? Why is that?* Nagini cocked her head at an adorable angle.
*Because they will fight tooth and claw! Hahahahahaha!*
Bloody hell, Voldemort and Harry thought at the exact same time.
Thalia didn't seem to like the lack of reaction from her friend so she tried another one. *Hey Nagini, I know of a dentist who had a bit of a problem with a werewolf.*
*Really?*
*Yes, the dentist accidentally said, "this won't hurt one bite", and the werewolf said, "let's see shall we?" and bit the dentist. The dentist barely reacted and continued working and said casually, "I already know you don't need a root canal; you haven't lost your nerve".*
Voldemort tried to think some happy thoughts – like his self-help guide suggested – as he looked at Alecto. "Alecto, you next!"
The Carrow witch visibly deflated but opened up her box, knowing full well there was no way she would be able to refuse while the Dark Lord was in a bit of a bad mood. She deftly opened her box, praying to Morgana as she did so, and then braced herself as she peered inside.
Alecto frowned in confusion. It was full of six or seven different books. Slightly dreading what topics they were on, she started lifting them out. Spiritual Midwifery, The Birth Partner, Pregnancy, Childbirth and The Newborn, What to Expect When You're Expecting, Active Birth, The Girlfriends' Guide to Pregnancy, The Baby Book: Everything You Need To Know About Your Baby From Birth to Age Two, What to Expect: Eating Well When You're Expecting were amongst the titles of the books. With each one, Alecto felt increasingly angry and embarrassed, which only became magnified because with each book, more and more people started dying of laughter.
Even Mr. Mupples was on the floor.
"This … is … one … of the … best … ones … yet," Dolohov eventually managed to gather enough breath to say before collapsing back into peals of laughter.
"Hey, Alecto, is there something you need to tell us?" Avery Senior quipped the moment he could breathe normally again.
Alecto was redder than a fresh tomato. "I am not with child!"
"Are you sure? You have been eating a lot more apples than normal," Mulciber joined in the fray. "You didn't end up kissing Jugson in a fit of drunkenness again lately, did you?"
Jugson was also red at this point. Alecto was seething. "THAT HAPPENED ONLY ONCE!"
"Yes, and you also accidentally kissed Amy once – oh no," Rowle sighed dramatically. "You didn't-"
"Thorfinn, shut the fuck up before I hex your balls off!" Amycus had his wand out at this point.
"I knew these guys were inbred but I didn't think they'd be so inbred," Roden had a lot of nerve to comment out loud. Amycus looked like he was about to hex her, but he was promptly scared off by an irate Fenrir and Reed.
"I AM NOT WITH CHILD!" Alecto wailed. "I HATE THIS BOY!"
"So you finally understand the pain – hic," it would appear Lucius had found his Firewhiskey in the meantime. Narcissa had her head in her hands at this point.
Thalia and Nagini were genuinely confused what the fuss was about.
*They clearly don't take hatchling care seriously,* Nagini sniffed.
*Is that surprising? Take a look at some of the hatchlings they have already. Most of them are a disappointment to their nest,* Thalia shook her head judgementally.
Voldemort turned his attention on Yaxley. "Corban!"
Yaxley did not need to be told twice. The box was cut open in two seconds and Corban lifted the flaps away. As soon as he did, there was a sound that was reminiscent of a fire cracker and up into the air and straight into Yaxley's face went bright, pink, sparkly glitter confetti that covered not only Yaxley but the table, the carpets one of the nearby sofas and even half of Narcissa's dress.
Both Lucius and Narcissa shrieked at the same high, soprano frequency, causing the mirrors and glassware in the room to tremble. "HARRY POTTERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!" the couple wailed.
However, everyone apart from Yaxley and the Malfoys, were once more struggling to remain standing upright because they were laughing so hard at their expense. Even Draco had to hide behind one of the not-covered-in-glitter furniture to conceal his amusement from his parents and risk being grounded until he was thirty.
Unfortunately, Yaxley then saw there were two giant spheres that looked like Quaffles but weren't. One was black and white while the other was more oval and the other was a bright orange colour with black lines that ran all the way around it. The Ministry worker started opening his mouth akin to a gold fish because he was so shocked and disgusted at these base things.
Two of the werewolves came to see why Yaxley was so gorgonised. The moment they saw the balls, they lit up. "FOOTBALL! BASKETBALL!" they cheered, causing Yaxley's ears to bleed.
"YES!" some of the other werewolves cheered.
"Finally some footie!"
"I will be goalie."
"I'll referee since you guys love to cheat so much," Reed decided.
"We do not!"
"Yes you do!"
"Stupid question: what are we going to use for goal posts?"
"I say we put those flamingos to good use," Beynon stated.
"Yaaaaayyy!"
It was at this precise moment as the werewolves went outside to play that Rabastan came back.
"I am hoooooome!" he called happily. "You will not believe – oooooo, boxes! That means the Muggles were here. Who got targeted? Never mind, you can all tell me later. You will not believe where I got the fruit and yoghurt from."
The youngest Lestrange came practically skipping into the room, looking extremely happy, wearing sunglasses and several plastic and paper bags looped over his wrists. Everyone blinked in shock at him.
"Basti, where the fuck have you been?" Jugson demanded, shaking his head.
"The farmer's market," was the answer no one had expected.
"THE WHAT!?"
Rabastan blinked innocently. "What, you didn't know there was a farmer's market being held? Sorry, I should have come back to ask if you wanted to come with me. I don't remember where but it was quite a bit from here. But look – they have fresh ingredients and they taste so much better than conjured or magical ones. They even loved my T-shirt! They had no idea what Azkaban was but that was expected."
Not even Voldemort had the heart to be angry at the ecstatic look on his loyal follower's face.
"So, what have I missed?" Rabastan asked happily, looking from werewolf to wizard to snake to stuffed monster. He then frowned. "Why is Corban covered in pink sparkles?"
Oh boy, was the shared sentiment at this point.
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"A Death Eater went to a farmer's market?!"
"Hermione, the Lovegoods don't have to hear you from their kitchen."
"Shut up, Ronald! How did no one get killed?"
"Because Rabastan was shopping?"
"This is not funny, Harry!"
"No, it's hilarious!"
"Not as hilarious as Yaxley getting covered from head to toe in pink glitter is hilarious!" Fred cackled. "Dudley, you're a genius, mate!"
"I will let Piers know everything went to plan, but thanks," Dudley sounded very pleased with himself.
"I can't wait to know how those idiots react to the glowing shapes on their ceiling," Justin laughed giddily to himself. "I hope a few of them make duvet tents because they're too scared to fall asleep staring at the ceiling!"
"I hope they sleep with a Night Light Charm," Colin agreed happily.
"So, who is next?" Dean got the attention back onto the next targets. "We only have a few days left after all."
"Well," the Boy-Who-Was-Embracing-His-More-Vindictive-Side smirked, "I was thinking of targeting Wormtail."
"I can get behind that," Ron agreed, who still was waiting for a good moment to get his own back for the violated feeling he had ever since he found out his rat had actually been a man in disguise.
Dudley snorted. "What kind of name is that? Bet that kid got bullied!"
"Wormtail is his nickname," Hermione clarified for him. "His real name is Peter Pettigrew, and he used to be friends with Harry's dad until Peter betrayed him and Lily to You-Know-Who."
"OK, we need to make this guy cry," was Dudley's serious reply.
"Wasn't Peter Pettigrew supposed to be dead?" Colin asked, confusion embedded in his tone.
"Oh Merlin," the Boy-Who-Really-Didn't-Have-Time-To-Prank-And-Explain-Everything huffed. "Can I explain another time please?"
"Sure," Justin, Dean, Ginny, Colin and Dennis chorused.
"So what are we going to send the rat? A rat running ball?" Ron suggested.
"Too tame," Harry shook his head, a menacing glint in his verdant eyes. "Dud is right; he needs to cry."
"Ooooo, what about kitties?" Dennis suggested. "The rat's natural enemy!"
"That could definitely work!" Justin laughed.
The son of Prongs cackled. "Perfect! Next!"
"I've got one," Ron grinned. "Sirius once said to Snape, 'why don't you run along and play with your chemistry set', right? Should we send one to the greasy dungeon bat and see what happens?"
Harry lit up.
"I know where to get a good one," Dudley responded.
"Oh maybe we can throw Dad's cursed remote in there too?" Ginny suggested. "Every time you hit a button, it insults you. It's really annoying and Dad doesn't know what to do with it."
"Cursed Muggle artefacts count, right, General?" Colin asked eagerly.
"As a one off," Harry decided. "We'll need to find a way to send it to Dudley without Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon finding out."
"Leave that to me, cousin. Just get the thing here," Dudley reassured.
"So – Wormtail, Snape … who is next?" Dean continued.
Harry then cackled to himself. "How about we send something to Mr. Mupples?"
"THE PET MONSTER?!"
"Yes! How best to start making people jealous?" the Boy-Who-Apparently-Didn't-Spare-Plushie-Death-Eaters-Either grinned a toothy grin.
"I have an idea!" Justin piped up. "How about we send the plushie a bunch of infuriating board games? Monopoly, Scrabble, Battleship, Risk, Cluedo – that kind of thing. They could give You-Know-Who a head ache, especially when the Death Eaters try to kill each other after Monopoly."
"Let's do it!" the Boy-Who-Was-Going-To-Add-More-Wards-Around-His-Bed clapped his hands together in glee.
"OK, are we doing a fourth target or are we going to leave it at three?" Dean wanted to know.
"I think some more music to send to Rabastan since he looked so happy," Harry decided. "But make it something you know these guys would never listen to – try to avoid Pop music."
"Yes, sir!" came the chorus through the phones, except Dudley's.
"Oh by the way, guys, before you go – Ginny and I worked on the mobile phones today and they are all ready to go," Harry's eyes shone with evil happiness. "I will call you at random intervals now and again to see if they work, just so you know."
"Oh Merlin," Dean groaned. "Why did the Weasleys just have to have a mobile?"
"We had five actually," Ginny corrected with a grin. "We found a way to make them work on magic to make sure they can function on Hogwarts grounds."
"This should be good then!" Justin laughed.
Quietly, Lord Voldemort, who could not resist eavesdropping on the last part of the conversation, was absolutely not happy about this – at all!
##############################################################
Oh boy! Harry is really amping it up – it seems that not even Mr. Mupples is immune to his pranking habits. Despite the fact Harry was responsible for sending Mr. Mupples in the first place but it seems he doesn't really care all that much and frankly neither do I! Mr. Mupples was requested; I try to deliver.
I am sorry this took so long – I had a writer's block and I have just started a new job so I am getting into the swing of things; balancing everything. I also had issues with my schedule which added stress onto me which is not conducive to story writing. So I hope you guys forgive me for that.
Again, thank you everyone who keeps sending me ideas for the Death Eaters' gifts. I try to fit as many of them in, especially if they give me a particularly good idea. I have a lot of people suggesting a lot of explicit stuff – I am trying to avoid a T rating on this story, guys. I have kind of made up my mind on that. I want everyone to be able to read this story and have fun and a T rating kinda takes that away slightly. Sorry
I hope you guys enjoyed this moment of madness and I hope you continue giving ideas and coming back for more!
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