Reconnaissance Missions and Unwitting Allies
The next morning saw Harry up quite early, mulling over his rather unique lesson with Dumbledore the evening before, while trying to read and ignore the hub-bub around him. Apparently, Blaise and Millie had let his Cobra Lily and his automaton nanny bird borrow their WALKMANs and as a result, the Lily and his bird were preoccupied with singing and listening to the music. In return for their help, Harry had given the Snakes his Secret Spiller to put where-they-choose-to-put-it and see what would happen. Neville was happily giving the Lily water and humming along to the songs. Dean and Seamus were discussing Quidditch and Ron, surprisingly, had gotten up early to discuss something with Ginny.
The Boy-Who-Was-Slightly-Reeling-From-The-Images-He-Had-Seen-Yesterday had attempted to fortify his roughly slapped together Occlumency shields to make sure that Old Snakeface could not take a sneaky peak into his head to see what was bothering his young nemesis.
The son of Prongs hated to admit it, but he had lied straight to Dumbledore's face. He did pity Voldie – having a mother who chose to die rather than to live for the sake of her son because she put more stock into the affection of her cold and selfish husband and then having to grow up in a really crappy orphanage due to Merope's lack of will to live was just sad.
It didn't excuse dear old Tom for being a bigoted, murderous donkey, but it did explain the way he was. Harry more than realised the Dursleys did damage on him as well, only his manifested as an insatiable need to prank when bored instead of torturing people for breathing incorrectly.
Then there was the second thing Harry hated to admit to himself. He felt conflicted about Merope, and how different but similar her choice was to his own mother Lily's choice. Dumbledore had been right: both women had a choice to live, and both had not taken it, but for very different reasons.
As if Harry could not have been spooked enough by the feeling of pity and sympathy for Voldemort and slight disgust towards Merope, on the way back to Gryffindor Tower, the Boy-Who-Wished-He-Had-Brought-His-Invisibility-Cloak-With-Him had to pull some slightly ridiculous evading manoeuvres that had made Peeves the poltergeist laugh at him, all due to one Professor Trelawney.
Harry was pretty certain someone had left their gin cupboard unlocked and unguarded again because the Divination professor had been walking the castle, muttering to herself, while trying to find a card in a deck of playing cards that Harry was pretty certain didn't exist. Trelawney had caught sight of him and her eyes had glazed over quickly.
"The Twins will be intercepted – one hidden away, another tormented," she had rasped. "The fight on metal horses will see a change in minds!"
Harry, of course, had fled before the crazy Seeress could start spewing any more nonsense, but whatever portent had its grip on her also made her chase the person she was spewing too until the professor accidentally ran into a column and had literally been knocked to her senses again.
Harry was really glad he had failed Divination, so that he didn't have to face the professor to say he was not continuing her class because he did feel rather bad for the weird woman. However, she didn't make it all too easy with her weird habits and strange prophecies that seem to pop up at freaking random for no good reason.
Then again, he did know a real Eye couldn't be controlled; it didn't choose what it saw. But Trelawney was such a quack most of the time, Harry could not bring himself to consider that his dotty professor may actually be seeing future events.
Tap, tap, tap, tap!
The exuberant tapping at the window derailed Harry's train of thought so quickly that it made him jump a little.
"THE OWLS ARE BACK, THE OWLS ARE BACK, CAW!" his nanny bird stated.
"Yes, yes, I am going to see," Harry sighed as he pushed his duvet covers back and went to see who it was. As he already suspected, outside Gryffindor Tower were Jehoshaphat, who was glaring at him as though he were scum, and Hedwig, whose eyes were dancing with amusement.
Harry grinned as he opened the window. "Hedwig, Jehoshaphat!" he greeted warmly. "Come in, guys. Hedwig, everything all right with the owls at the Manor?"
"Hoot! Hoot, hoot, hoot," Hedwig replied happily as she and her friend landed on Harry's bed.
"Well that was expected. Oh good, I am glad they're feeling better," Harry grinned as he untied the letters from their legs.
"Hoot, hoooot, hoot," Jehoshaphat grumbled. Hedwig looked very pensive.
Harry frowned. "Arguments amongst the Death Munchers isn't that uncommon, though, right?"
"Hoot, hooot, hoot," Jehoshaphat informed grumpily.
Harry's eyes widened. "No! Amy didn't! And he still managed to keep his balls?"
"What's up, Harry?" Dean frowned.
"The ceiling," was Harry's automatic petulant answer. "Well, Jehoshaphat just told me Amycus Carrow said something rather callous about Bellatrix and I am still kind of trying to wrap my head around it."
"What did he say?" Neville wanted to know.
"I'll tell you in a minute," Harry replied as he looked at the front of the letters. Judging by the hands alone, he had gotten letters from Dolohov, Bella and one of the Death Eaters who had not wrote to him yet.
Wanting to know which Order of the Phoenix member's day was about to get ruined, Harry opened the letter from Dolohov first.
Potter,
Been a while; mostly had no reason to write and was a little preoccupied with trying to make that pink demon toad suffer, so there you are. I must say I am surprisingly flattered that you have such confidence in my spellcraft, considering I lost the BattleBox with Thorfinn. I am just glad my statue worked a treat!
I have decided that your next Order target should be Nymphadora Tonks; that one is a pain in the behind! You can definitely see the family resemblance between her and Bella through it – please don't tell Bella I said that! She is already murderous enough at Amy for the idiotic things he said to her yesterday.
Civil regards,
Antonin
P.S. Please make Amy suffer a little – there is only so much a hex, curse or jinx can do and frankly there is nothing better than to watch him squirm at receiving Muggle stuff!
Harry's brow furrowed a little. "Our next Order target is Tonks!" he announced.
"Oh boy," Dean commented.
"Yeah, Tonks is very unlikely to lose it," Harry agreed, not looking all too happy. "Which means we have to gather the others later and brainstorm because Tonks is going to need a little bit more thought put in than dear old Mad Eye."
"But what did Carrow say about Bellatrix?" Neville pushed.
"Nev, I will read one more letter and then tell you," Harry bribed easily, breaking the seal on Bella's letter. Something told him the witch in question was going to tell him exactly why she, Dolohov and the others really did not like Amycus at present.
Dear Mr. Mupples' Papa,
Mr. Mupples is still busy creating his creatures and castle – it is coming along quite nicely! He does not let much distract him from it, even with Teddy Ruxpin giggling and reciting these filthy Muggle stories that make absolutely no sense what so ever. I have to say this is not just an update letter. I am not unhappy with the baby doll, but more at the fact it has brought up a painful subject.
The baby doll is fine, normal – it doesn't cry or laugh or appear or disappear into thin air for no reason, but it … reminds me of something I would rather forget. You see, I cannot seem to conceive. In the earliest stages of our marriage, Dolph and I we really tried for children to serve our Lord. But eventually we … simply gave up and spending more than a decade in Azkaban also does not help. Seeing that baby doll just brought it all up again, and that blasted Amy made a joke about it! He hasn't gotten a smoothie from Basti because of it and our Lord has put him on kitty and snake latrine duty.
So, I am going to ask you nicely to never send another baby-shaped doll to me again. I am keeping this one though.
Bella
P.S. Mr. Mupples' is thinking of a prank for you. You need to get more into the spirit, apparently. I have to say I agree, itty bitty Potter.
Harry could honestly say he could never have foreseen what the contents of that letter could entail. True, he had expected at least three death threats because of the Cabbage Patch Kid named Tom Riddle but what he did not expect to receive, was a dark part of Bellatrix Lestrange's history.
"Hey, Nev, read this," Harry stated, sounding a little distant as he turned his attention onto the letter from the new sender. Neville did not need to be told twice. For once, the Boy-Who-Was-Semi-Regretting-A-Prank thought perhaps they should have been a bit more conscientious in picking targets for pranks.
Potter,
I know that this is untoward and that request letters are not really done unless it is for Order targets, but I saw Antonin and Bella writing, saying that they wanted to send you some mail so I wrote this in time to make sure it could come along with Hedwig. I actually have a couple of requests to make.
Request one: if you ever feel the inclination to prank me again, could you send me some more books on Muggle cooking, juices and-or smoothies? I have gotten slightly bored with my current recipes and I really do not want to incur my Lord's wrath because my smoothies are becoming redundant. I saw him glaring at my mango, grapefruit and dragon fruit smoothie today.
Request two: please make Amy suffer with your next round of Muggle tripe. He has been making some insensitive comments about – OK, keep this between you and your little friends – Dolph and Bella's fertility issues. We have known Amy and Alecto since school, so they practically were amongst the first to know about their problems – so you can understand why we are not very happy right now.
Request three: please, please, please, please send those photos of the graffitied Hogwarts over soon! I am dying to see them! Augustus as well but he is far more composed and controlled, as per bloody usual.
Have a decent day,
Rabastan
P.S. Tyler says hi and wants me to tell you that the kids love the lightsabres
Harry once more could not stop grinning. Not only was a Death Muncher's letter surprisingly sweet, he also got more of inclination to target Amy Carrow after three people told almost the exact same story.
You don't make fun of someone's fertility problems, not even if that someone is a bit of a maniac who was responsible for torturing two people into insanity.
"Damn," Neville's voice derailed Harry's train of thought. Harry, Dean and Seamus looked to their friend and saw him look at the letter in utter disbelief. "I had … no idea the Lestranges had fertility issues."
"What?" Seamus gaped.
"Yep," Harry confirmed, popping the 'p'. "And Amycus Carrow made fun of them when they discovered Tom Riddle the Cabbage Patch Kid."
"Wow, low blow," Dean whistled.
"Hoot!" Hedwig and Jehoshaphat chorused in agreement.
Neville continued. "I mean, it shouldn't surprise me. Gran told me that many pureblood families struggle to conceive, which is also why many were so jealous of the Weasleys and their easy conceptions. But …"
Harry knew exactly why Neville was so conflicted. "Yeah," was all he found was appropriate to say.
Seamus saw the mood in the room drop and lit up. "Who wants to play a game of Magical Memory."
"HOMEWORK FIRST, CAW!"
A collective groan ensued.
"Later!" the boys chorused.
"Hoooot!" the owls disagreed.
###########################################################################
"OK, guys – spill. What do you know?"
"My, my little sister, it-"
"-almost sounds-"
"-as though-"
"-you are-"
"-in a hurry!" the twins cackled.
Ginny sighed in exasperation and exchanged a look with Ron before they both gave their older brothers a pointed look. The pair were using Ginny's two-way mirror with the twins in a comfy corner of Gryffindor Tower, now and again spluttering at the idiocy of their fellow Lions when they made the mistake of using Dolohov's cursed tea set to make their cuppa – again. The only ones who were not remotely bothered by it, were Kingsley and Ferrars for some Merlin-knows-why reason.
"Look, we can't tell you the exact reason why, but we need to find that damn thing sooner rather than later," Ron informed. "Ferret Malfoy is up to something and we are all smelling a rat. Plus, Luna has apparently said the other half is in some kind of black market antique store."
"Yes, little sis mentioned that," George smirked. "Yesterday we actually managed to get a lunch break for once so Gred and I-"
"-went to take a look to see if we could find something that matched the description," Fred finished with a grin. "We traversed Occamy Alley, we braved White Raven Way and scoured the depths of Hydra Alley-"
"OK, OK, drama queen, what did you find?" Ginny cut across, huffing at his unnecessary dramatics.
"Nothing," came the anticlimactic answer from George. This made Ginny and Ron not so subtly deflate. But as usual, the Weasley twins loved their tension and building it just to annoy people, especially their siblings. "Until we came to the one place Mum told us never to go into: Knockturn Alley!"
"There was no Hagrid or Mum to chase us away or threaten us with chores this time! It was great!" Fred gushed.
"Lucky sods," Ron commented dryly.
"You went down Knockturn Alley?" Ginny was paler than freshly fallen snow in about two seconds flat.
"Of course, because it is home to a place Luna described," George replied easily. "Borgin & Burke's!"
A look of Eureka carved itself onto the countenances of the two youngest Weasleys.
"Did you go in?" Ron asked eagerly, a grin forming in place of the look of realisation.
Fred snorted. "Are you daft, little brother? With our dashing good looks and red hair, Mr. Borgin would have us sussed out quicker than the Hit Wizards can chase a group of Nifflers for a jewellery heist!"
"And then alert His Grand Snakiness or anyone who would listen to the fact two Weasleys had been inside his creepy store!" George added. "Nah, we spied the Cabinet via the glass roof because the thing is being kept in Mr. Borgin's back room full of other weird and awesome stuff that Mum would kill us for buying."
"But it is there? You are sure it is there?" Ginny pressed. "We need to make absolutely certain."
"Sis, our eyes are working just fine," Fred rolled his eyes. "It looks exactly like the Cabinet we pushed Montague into."
"Still one of the most stupid things you ever did," Ginny commented.
"And also the funniest," George added.
"Not really."
"Yeah, that prize goes to the fireworks dragon," Ron grinned.
The twins cackled manically at that.
"Well, little bro and little sis, we do have to get back to work. The shop is quite full today," George informed. "We will find a way to keep an eye on dear old Borgy and his creepy closet in the back room."
"Just don't get caught," Ginny rolled her eyes before the twins hung up.
"Well, this should be interesting," Ron stated with a wry smile.
"Or put an actual target on our backs," Ginny pointed out. "I am pretty certain dear old Tom is not going to be too happy if he finds out that we are going after his baby Death Eater and his antiques."
"He's never happy," Ron pointed out. He smirked. "Maybe we should send the moody bastard some more food soon?"
Ginny snorted with laughter.
##########################################################################
Lucius Malfoy really wasn't very happy. Not only had his efforts to turn his filthy Muggle alcohol into something better failed and his house had been turned into a mad theme park for the young werewolves, Narcissa and Draco had been invited to attend Andromeda Tonks' birthday dinner. Cissy had actually agreed! Lucius could not believe that his wife would actually want to spend time with her blood traitor sister. He thought he would have fainted when Bella and her stupid plushie had been invited too, and they had accepted as well! To add insult to injury, he was now forced to go on a 'reconnaissance mission' with Balthazar, Antonin, Walden, Rabastan and Fenrir's Muggle-knowing Beta. This in itself would not be a problem, except for one thing: their destination.
He and his fellow disguised Death Eaters were heading for Diagon Alley, specifically the one shop Lord Malfoy swore never to set one of his immaculately cleaned shoes in: Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. The new joke shop that was quickly becoming a competitor to Zonko's. The businessman side to Lucius was covertly interested to see how these two known troublemakers were doing and to know their profit margins. The stuck-up pureblood side of him, however, was utterly horrified at the prospect of going anywhere near that giant brown building with a giant moving Weasley lifting his hat off his head.
It looked ridiculous! Eye catching and utterly impossible to miss, but ridiculous nonetheless!
That morning, Balthazar, Antonin and Walden had gotten it into their heads that in order to understand Team Prank better and to get some more ideas for their own pranks and nasty joke spells, they needed to go and study their enemy up close and in their own territory. That meant, taking a trip to see the Weasley twins in their store. When their Lord had given his approval, he had immediately ordered Lucius to go along as well, especially when Rabastan and Reed volunteered to join them.
In that moment, Lucius knew he would never truly be off the hook for his utter complete idiocy at the Department of Mysteries. He could only thank Mordred and Morgana that he was being spared more Boglins and the Cruciatus.
There was one other element that Lucius hated about his punishment: he was on babysitting Thalia duty. The young ball python, as soon as she heard her friends were visiting some more 'fun walkers', had insisted to Voldemort that she come along 'to keep an eye on them'. Voldemort, who was happy to get his punny snake out of the house for a few more hours, had readily agreed and had assigned her care to Lucius.
Lord Malfoy was not a fool; he knew the Dark Lord was expecting him to lose sight of Thalia and thus earn himself yet more punishment. As if Draco taking the Dark Mark was not punishment enough!
Thalia was not at all concerned about Lucius' trepidations what so ever. In fact, she was happily talking to herself inside his cloak pocket. *Going to see the two Weasley hatchlings with a talent for trouble. Thalia likes the sound of them already – perhaps they have some good stuff to make Thalia's jokes even better? Ooooo how does Lucius wash his cloak? Corban could get a few tips from him.*
Of course the others had no idea what she was saying.
"This should be interesting to say the least," Walden commented as they drew ever closer to the new joke shop.
"I don't see how," Lucius grumbled.
"Oh lighten up, Lucy! Good Merlin, even Abraxas had more of a funny bone than you!" Balthazar shook his head at him, causing Lord Malfoy to blanche.
"Oh so the stick-in-the-mud disease isn't a Malfoy trait?" Antonin teased.
"Now that does surprise me!" Rabastan chortled.
"Not even my father would approve of that!" Lucius waved his hands towards the giant moving Weasley model, which revealed a magical robotic bunny that appeared on the Weasley's head.
"Let me tell you right now, young man, your father visited Zonko's a whole lot in his time," Balthazar informed primly. "He only turned fastidious in his old age."
"A bit like you," Walden added with a grin as his friends chuckled.
Lucius glowered at them but at present did not have much energy to make a retort. He decided to conserve what little energy he could in order to deal with the Weasley menaces and whatever chaos he was about to face.
As the group drew closer to the building, Thalia vibrated with excitement. *Everybody ready?!* she hissed happily.
Reed laughed at the obvious anticipation displayed by the ball python while Lucius glared at her for moving too much. "Lucius' sour mood isn't affecting Thalia at least."
Lord Malfoy rolled his eyes. Walden pushed the door of the shop open and the disguised Death Eaters, one werewolf and the happy ball python stepped into the store. Almost immediately, the group was forced to duck as fireworks of all different kinds of colours zoomed over their heads, chasing each other or just whizzing in all random directions. They were soon followed by flying discs and elemental creatures hunting the discs down.
Eyes almost bugged out of sockets as they took in their surroundings. There were ten-year-olds wearing these ridiculous shoes, walking on walls. There were adults causing each other's hair to stand on end with electric jolts, walls covered with prank sweets, a giant effigy of a puking child surrounded by the stuff called Puking Pastilles. There were other sweets called Nosebleed Nougats, Fainting Fancies and Fire-breathing Fudge. The latter was being tended to by a miniature Hungarian Horntail, of all things! The spies could hardly believe their eyes when they saw a ridiculous and ugly model of Umbridge cycling on a tightrope while having to carry liquid from one end of the shop to the other.
There were several other sections that looked just as interesting.
Thalia's eyes danced with joy; it was like being in snake Elysium for her. *THIS IS SO AWESOME!* she squealed in delight.
"Holy Excalibur and Clarent …" Balthazar breathed.
"How long did we spend in Azkaban again?" Antonin agreed, eyes still bugging out. "We definitely need to get out more!"
Rabastan looked akin to a kid in a candy store while Reed was already scouting the first products he wanted to study. Walden was busy laughing heartily at the fact a bunch of wizards got hit by two of the fireworks and Lucius was busy trying to ensure Thalia didn't escape from his pocket and glaring disdainfully around him.
"OK, everyone, let us at least remember why we are here," Balthazar decided to take control of the situation. "Study the merchandise, maybe buy something that we can turn into something fun – try not to curse or hex anyone or anything. If the Weasley twins approach, act as … normal … as you can."
The group split up. Antonin and Walden immediately went to the left, Rabastan and Reed went to the right and Lucius decided to go with Balthazar who had spotted something rather fun looking. Thalia wasn't entirely happy about Lucius' choice of partner; Antonin and Walden were heading for the more vibrant looking things and she had wanted to go with them.
What Balthazar took to, was a black and purple stand with a sign above it saying, 'Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder'. On the face of it, the objects did not look all too fancy or assuming. In fact, it looked like a lump of coal. While Mulciber Senior picked it up to have a closer look, Lucius pulled a face of pure disgust.
"Balthazar, put that down," Lucius wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
Thalia huffed. *Tom really needs to sort out the stuck up peacock spirit inside Lucy. Maybe a Tickle Spell should do the trick.*
"No, I want to know what this is!" Balthazar protested, just as fed up with Lucius' mopey attitude. "This looks interesting."
"That is one of our most popular products."
Both of the disguised Death Eaters froze and Thalia began tittering quietly. Both of them carefully turned around to see one of the Weasley twins – they had no idea which one – looking rather dapper in his bright suit and smirking at them.
"Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder is best used for making quick get-aways," the twin continued. "For example if you want to sneak a cookie from your wife's cookie tin and don't wish to get caught or you want to spy on someone and you need a quick distraction to enter a room without being detected."
Thalia lit up. *Ooooo that sounds like fun! Thalia and Corban can use that for missions. Oooo Nagini and Thalia can use it to bully Tom as well. Balthazaaaaaar, buuuuuy oooooone!*
Balthazar and Lucius tried not to gulp at the fact that Thalia's hissing was so profuse that the twin was frowning and looking funnily at Lord Malfoy's pocket. They only breathed a sigh of relief when the twin in question shrugged and turned his attention back on his new customers.
Balthazar chose four chunks of the Instant Darkness Powder. "I will take four."
The twin lit up. "Yes, sir!"
"Oh for Morgana's sake," Lucius pinched the bridge of his nose.
While Balthazar and Lucius were distracted, without the aid of any Peruvian Instant Darkness Powder, Thalia carefully made her escape from Lord Malfoy's pocket, flopping onto the floor and quickly slithering away to find something fun.
Meanwhile Antonin and Walden had already bought a couple of prank fireworks, Fire-breathing Fudge, a hammer that makes objects and people turn into something ridiculous for a good few minutes, and the Shocking Handshake. Walden had wanted to also buy one of the prank grenades but even Rabastan saw that would not end well, so had gotten it out of his friend's hands before he could get it to the till.
Unfortunately, the prank grenade did go off in Rabastan's face; once the smoke had disappeared, even Reed was attempting not to laugh at the fact that there was a bird's nest with a baby parrot on top of the younger Lestrange's head. Antonin, Walden and several other shoppers did laugh, as did Balthazar. Even the owners of the shop had a good giggle.
"Unlucky, sir!" one of the twins chortled. "You did get one of the better options though!"
"Do I even want to know what the other options are?" the Death Eater asked with a wry grin as he tried to get the bird's nest off his head, with the help of Reed.
"I will leave that as a surprise," the twin smirked. He cocked his head a little. "Not our regular customers, are you?" he guessed.
"No," Reed agreed readily. "We were in town and thought we might as well have a look at what all the fuss is about."
"Heard about us from the kids then?" the twin chuckled.
Rabastan and Reed were red in seconds.
"Neither of us have kids," Rabastan responded, taking a sudden interest in his shoes.
"We heard about you from our nieces and nephews," Reed added quickly. "Some of our friends are fans – others don't have much of a funny bone, I'm afraid."
"Yes, Fred did say he had a face more sour than a lemon," the twin commented, chuckling. He coughed. "Sorry. Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Well, we were wondering what other potion products you have … apart from love potions," Rabastan answered, still completely beetroot in the face.
"We are currently working on an Opera Draught but it still needs tweaking, so it will not likely hit the shelves for another two or three months," the Weasley twin answered with a knowing gleam dancing in his eyes. "We are also making a potion that turns a person's voice into that of an animal."
Before Reed could ask more about these interesting sounding products, they were joined by Lucius, looking none too happy. "Can we please leave soon before … Anthony and Walter lose what is left of their sanity?" he demanded.
"Hmmmm, I suppose. I think it is a good idea before Walter gets his hand on something else," Rabastan sighed. He then frowned and noticed that Lucius' cloak didn't have a snake-shaped lump in it. "Lucian, where is Thalia?"
Lord Malfoy paled and looked down. He thought he felt a little lighter – he carefully put his hand into the pocket where the ball python should be and his heart beat quickened in fear as he discovered that his master's snake was gone.
Reed saw Lucius' expression. "Oh no," he sighed, putting his head into his hands. "You lost Thalia?!"
"Who is Thalia?" the twin asked curiously.
"The snake of … a friend," Reed answered quickly. "He had to work and he didn't want to leave his familiar alone at home for too long."
"A snake?" the twin repeated, eyes widening.
That cued a frantic search for the Dark Lord's pet from amongst his men and the werewolf, with the help of the shop owners. It was two minutes into the search that there was a whirring sound above their heads and people were forced to duck and dodge as a flying machine zoomed around the room, leaving rainbows behind it. Behind the wheel was none other than Thalia. *Whhhhooohoooo! This is Thalia dropping the prank payload! Payload awaaaaay! This is so much fuuuuuun! If only Nagini could see this!*
"THALIA!" Rabastan, Reed, Antonin, Walden, Balthazar and Lucius chorused. Rabastan, Reed, Balthazar and Lucius were pale while Antonin and Walden looked set to split their sides laughing.
"Merlin's beard!" the twins chorused. "Familiars can operate our planes?!"
"Planes?" Rabastan repeated, eyes wide.
"Muggle flying machines," one of the twins explained. "Our dad is mad about Muggle stuff and some of the things have rubbed off it seems."
The wizards attempted to stop the flying contraption with the ball python in it; unfortunately Thalia had a pretty decent handle on the plane and had dodged the Stunners and Immobilisation Spells that had been sent her way.
*Hehehehehee, foolish walkers! You can't stop Thalia!* the snake sang happily as she flew back up to the first floor, narrowly missing the weird Umbridge model.
Naturally, the wizards were completely at a loss at what they were witnessing.
"How is she controlling that thing?!" Lucius was losing his will to live at this point.
"Your snake is very clever," one of the twins answered simply.
What ensued next was a fifteen minute battle of wills between Thalia, the Weasley twins and her friends – the wizards tried to stop her with magic, and Thalia would simply out-manoeuvre or dodge them. She even managed to trick Walden into accidentally hitting Reed, which Rabastan was not happy about and hexed the Executioner instead of hitting the plane.
The only thing that managed to put a stop to Thalia's fun was a well-aimed Sticky Spell from one of the Weasley twins on the plane's propeller, which made the thing nose dive straight into the Puking Pastilles.
*Snake going down, snake going down! May day, May day!* Thalia hissed as the plane plummeted. Once the plane landed, she very quickly poked her head out of the Pastilles, pouting.
*No fair!* she protested as Antonin swiftly picked her up and put her into one of his pockets. *Why does this cloak smell of gin, toffee and biscuits? It's weird! Antonin, you need to wash your cloak!*
Balthazar was already on contingency for the mess. "We are so, so, sorry! We should have kept a closer eye on her-"
"Hey, slow down, sir, no harm done!" the twins reassured in perfect sync. "We had fun!"
The disguised Death Eaters definitely breathed a sigh of relief once they were outside.
"Well that could have ended badly!" Rabastan huffed.
"Where in Merlin's name did Thalia even find that thing?" Walden added.
"I don't care where – we almost lost her!" Balthazar was pale. "Our Lord would never have forgiven us for losing her!"
"Nah, we would have just offered Lucy up on a platter since he was supposed to be watching her," Antonin glowered at Lord Malfoy.
Lucius was whiter than his hair at this point.
"Well, given that everything is OK and Thalia is one piece, I say we don't say anything unless your master asks," Reed suggested.
Thalia poked her snoot out of Antonin's pocket. *Are you assuming that Tom is not going to know about my adventure? He is going to faint the moment I tell him that I learned to fly today and it is going to be really funny!*
Perhaps it was a good thing that none of them knew what she was saying.
###########################################################################
Dolores Umbridge's day was just as bad as the day before, perhaps even worse. The Senior Undersecretary – still in toad form only with less boils and less hair balls again – found that no matter what kind of music she put on to try and calm her nerves, her kitty plates would all begin to meow off-key to the tune. She believed that the music was the issue so the toad witch had put her gramophone off – well, she ordered one of her poor secretaries to do it for her since she couldn't reach. That did not solve the issue at all because the kitty plates simply then started to meow whatever song they wanted, from Rule Britannia to Ode of Joy.
As if that was not bad enough, Madam Umbridge discovered that after sending some schmoozing letters to doners to the Ministry, that no matter what she tried to write, the parchment would insult her at every turn. The pink toad had managed to get onto a document for the Misuse of Magic Office – her old department. The moment she even wrote a solution to their problems, the parchment answered with:
Are you even using your brain?
This job should have been given to someone more competent.
Are you even trying? That will never work!
Cease. Just cease.
This is what happens when you give a toad a human's job.
Naturally, the Senior Undersecretary started throwing another hissy fit of epic proportions with her secretaries and advisers taking time out of their day to test the parchment for anything malicious. As many of those civil servants already suspected, they found nothing in their diagnostics that could be determined to be suspicious and summon the Aurors and the Hit Wizards.
What was suspicious enough to get the attention of the Aurors, was what happened when Madam Umbridge had picked up one of her more fancy black quills to start signing some more documents that had been put on her desk. Unfortunately, the Senior Undersecretary didn't sign her own name.
I must not tell lies.
I must obey my elders.
I must not participate in illicit activities.
Just a few things that had been written at the bottom of some of the documents, which had been caught in time by the eagle-eyed advisers before they could be sent off. To their horror, it was not just those three documents – it was every document that was being signed!
As for one of the few letters the toad had managed to write, it was something that none of the secretaries, typists or advisers had expected to read.
To whom it may concern,
I have to inform you that during my tenure as Defence professor and briefly as Headmistress I did my utmost best to punish the children of Hogwarts to the fullest extent possible. I used my Blood Quills to try and make sure that the message sunk in, both physically and mentally because frankly, the methods at Hogwarts have always been too soft. I tried to control every aspect of life at Hogwarts and tried to banish teachers from the grounds, even though I did not have the power to do so.
When Dumbledore left, I tried to use the Cruciatus Curse on Harry Potter because I suspected the brat knew where he was and I wanted to ingratiate myself further with the Minister. I was going to do this in front of at least seven other students until one of them tricked me into following them into the Forbidden Forest for a weapon.
I got kidnapped by filthy half-breeds and woke up in St. Mungo's,
Yours sincerely,
Dolores Umbridge,
Senior Undersecretary to the Ministry
"What in the name of Merlin and Nimueh?!" was the collective sentiment when the letter was read.
The typist who had been dealing with this nonsense the most took control of the situation. "Fetch Madam Bones immediately."
No one dared to argue, even when they heard screeching and protesting from inside the office from their boss about their 'dilly-dallying' and their 'deplorable laziness' and their 'audacity at checking her letters'. For once, everyone ignored Umbridge's vitriol and without hesitation went to get the Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement.
It actually did not take too long for Madam Bones, followed by Aurors Tonks and Shacklebolt, to come and see what the commotion was about. Madam Bones had just finished a meeting and both Aurors had been on their break. While Tonks and Shacklebolt dealt with the documents and the strange letter-confession, Madam Bones went to deal with the pink toad.
"Someone has it in for me!" the Senior Undersecretary screeched. "Someone thinks they can drive me crazy! First I get turned into an ugly amphibian, then my kitties start singing badly, and now all of my people are refusing to do their job! All because of my quills and parchment."
Amelia counted to ten in her head before even deigning to give an answer. "Dolores, everyone has a bad week now and again. I will see what can be done about your quills and parchment and in return, you keep calm and do not sign any more official documents. Understood?"
The pink toad glowered at her but did not answer in the negative.
"Good," Amelia stated with finality, trying not to smirk. "Now, I am going to see what needs to be done."
Umbridge did not answer as the intimidating witch marched out of the office.
Outside, Tonks was having an existential crisis. "I am having a really surprising day already … but this is not a good surprise …"
While Tonks was still looking unblinkingly at the strange letter with an ashen face, Kingsley looked utterly dumbfounded. "Ma'am, could you please explain what is going on?" he asked as he and Tonks followed their boss down the corridor they came from. "Is this something everyone should be concerned about?"
"It is being handled," Madam Bones reassured him. "Though as not as speedily as one would like."
Tonks suppressed the urge to roll her eyes or smirk.
"Are these pranks or is this a vendetta?" Kingsley pressed.
"Kings, I don't think we should concern ourselves too much," Tonks replied, pocketing the strange letter. "We are already looking into it and so far, we have no suspects as to the mastermind behind these strange occurrences."
This made Auror Shacklebolt frown. Amelia knew that the man wasn't stupid, but she needed to keep him off the scent a little while longer.
"Kingsley, perhaps you could do me and favour and inform Madam Umbridge's correspondents that their documents and letters will be delayed due to unforeseen circumstances," she stated crisply, with a tone full of authority.
The Auror bowed his head respectfully. "Of course, ma'am," he answered and went to execute the task immediately, heading straight for the lifts.
Madam Bones and Tonks almost breathed a sigh of relief as soon as he was gone.
"Indeed, that was a close one."
The two did jump a little and turned around to see Elizabeth Abbott smirking at them. "I managed to catch the great Amelia Bones and Alastor's young prodigy off-guard! That is definitely Pensieve worthy."
"As long as you don't show Mad Eye, ma'am," Tonks responded with a chuckle. "I will get a CONSTANT VIGILANCE thrown at me every hour for the coming week."
Madam Bones smiled at this and then turned to her friend. "You had better have a good reason for making us jump like that, Liza."
"Oh no reason," Madam Abbott shrugged nonchalantly. "I was just on my way to see Arthur at the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office and see if he would be willing to … lend us a hand with our little … problem and I was wondering if you would care to join me."
Both Aurors read between the lines quite quickly.
"Of course," Amelia replied with a small smile.
The trio headed straight for the second floor, using one of the quicker lifts. The three witches hurried down the corridor towards the tiny and drab offices that were no bigger than a broom cupboard, filled with files that took up all the space on the two desks, and objects ranging from a hiccupping old toaster, a pair of leather gloves that were twiddling their thumbs – clearly bored – and piles of cursed books that did only-Morgana-knows-what to the readers. As usual the little wall space available bore witness to the previous head of the department Arthur's passions. There were several posters of cars, including one of a dismantled engine, two illustrations of post boxes he seemed to have cut out of Muggle children's books, and a diagram showing how to wire a plug, which still fascinated Amelia and Elizabeth.
Apparently, though promoted, Arthur still made time to help Perkins with the department business. Inside, Perkins – Arthur's former assistant who was an elderly wizard with fluffy white hair – was busy trying to coax whatever had decided to possess a fridge from inside the machine and Arthur was going through paperwork and dossiers.
"-there is still the matter of the singing coo-coo clock, the grumpy sword and of course the motorbikes to deal with," Arthur muttered to himself. "Perhaps I can take a look at the bikes for you, Perkins old chap – Amelia, Elizabeth! Ah, Tonks as well! This is a surprise."
The moment the Weasley patriarch saw his colleagues, he lit up with his usual cheerful smile.
"Hello, Arthur. Busy as usual?" Elizabeth asked amicably.
"Always! Somehow the Muggles still have not lost the habit of accidentally stumbling across magical objects or our own enjoyment of messing with them," Arthur answered. "Or Muggleborns who don't have control over their own powers yet …"
"Indeed," Amelia smiled warmly. She turned to Perkins, who was still glaring at the fridge, which had just petulantly blown a raspberry at him. "Mr. Perkins, I take it that some of your objects are relatively harmless, though bewitched?"
"Some of them are, ma'am. Just depends on the object," the elderly wizard answered, looking over his shoulder at her momentarily. He put his hands on his hips and glared at the cursed object in front of him. "This one – not so much!"
Whatever was possessing the fridge started giggling and blowing more raspberries at him. Elizabeth began hunting around for an object or two that looked interesting, but docile enough.
"You would not object if we studied one or two for a case?" Amelia continued easily. "It could help us better understand the nature of the magic used by Dark wizards-"
"Yes, yes, of course!" Perkins exclaimed happily. "Just make sure to bring them back at the end of the day – or if they become too much of a nuisance. I should also warn you that all the books are off limits because the magic that enchants them is not to be trifled with."
"Thank you, Perkins," Amelia smiled serenely, hiding her jubilation very well, especially when Elizabeth returned with one or two artefacts that looked rather mundane. "Arthur, how are you enjoying your new work?"
"Very much, but I do get a little home sick now and again," the Weasley patriarch admitted readily.
"Indeed, a promotion is always a big change," Elizabeth agreed readily.
"But long overdue!" Tonks added happily.
"Quite," Amelia agreed. "Well, we had best leave you in peace. Good day, Perkins. Good day, Arthur."
"Good day, ma'am!" both wizards chorused.
"Now all we need to do is wait for Dolores to leave her office for a while," Elizabeth stated as they walked down the corridor.
"Indeed," Madam Bones agreed.
The toad won't know what hit her! Tonks cheered internally.
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"I take it this call means your Death Munchers are about to get a few more silver hairs extra?"
"You know it, Dudley!"
The Council of Pranks had convened straight after dinner to ensure that everyone could go to bed on time. Apparently Dumbledore thought it would be a good idea to give Harry one of his Know Thy Enemy lessons on a Sunday and Dudley and his friends needed to get up early for a trip to London that they were taking the next day.
"So, how were the other presents received?" Dudley asked eagerly.
"The wolves loved theirs, the Death Eaters actually wanted to watch the movies, Bella was taken by surprise but wasn't angry – more sad; Jugson had no idea how to handle his and Voldie of course threw a hissy fit," Harry listed easily.
"So, a mixed bag," Ron clarified.
"Which means we have to see if we can cause a full nervous breakdown again at least once," Justin stated. "So, who is first?"
"Rookwood," Hermione, Ron and Harry chorused at the same time.
"He pranked Harry, now he gets one back," Luna agreed.
"OK, what are we sending this guy?" Dudley wanted to know.
"Mythology books and books on folklore from as many ancient civilisations as we can find," Hermione replied.
There was a typing sound from Dudley's side of the line. "Sounds good. His name was Augustus, right?"
"Yep!" Harry confirmed. "Also, buy some more cooking stuff for Rabastan!"
"I thought perhaps we could send Haribo to one of the grumpier Death Munchers," Colin continued.
"Ooooo I like that idea!" Dean laughed.
"And then some more dentist stuff to one of the others," Seamus added.
"Well, I think Yaxley is one of the Munchers who is still a sour bastard," Harry informed. "So send Yaxley the sweets and the dentist stuff-"
"Macnair," Ron supplied easily. "He would be the happiest with the creepy things that Muggles stick in their mouths."
Hermione huffed at this but didn't argue.
"We have Rookwood, Rabastan, Yaxley and Macnair – who else?" Ginny asked ponderingly.
"Amycus," Harry stated easily. "He's been making some low blows to his fellow Death Munchers about fertility issues."
"Aiiiii," Dennis and Colin winced in unison.
"Seriously?" Justin blanched.
"Yeah, that's just rude," Dudley agreed. He started chuckling evilly. "How about we send that miserable bastard something that will make him squirm."
"Like what?" Neville asked eagerly.
"Disney stuff," was the answer that confused the hell out of the magic raised, but sent the Muggleborns and Muggle raised into a massive giggle fit.
"Do it!" they chorused easily.
"Oh Merlin's badly washed trousers, we're definitely going to get murdered now, aren't we?" Ginny sighed.
"No, but there will be a few people fainting," Luna answered whimsically.
"Right, Order target: Tonks," Neville continued.
"Oh boy," Ginny hung her head. "This is a tough one."
"Yeah," Ron agreed readily.
"What is she like?" Dudley asked curiously.
"Funny, intelligent, clumsy," Hermione listed easily. "Oh and she has the ability to change her appearance at will."
"Oh cool," Dudley commented. "So some random costumes and props would be fitting?"
There was a moment of appreciative silence.
"Dud, you're a genius! Do it. But, I think that is enough targets for today," the Boy-Who-Was-Really-Looking-Forward-To-Seeing-Amy-Cry stated, eyes gleaming evilly. "Dud, could you get Piers at some point to get in touch with his uncle again and send some dinner to the Death Munchers tomorrow as well?"
"I was wondering when you would ask that!" Dudley laughed. "Piers has been practically dying to know too, it's kinda been annoying."
"Well, tell him he can go for Chinese, Thai or sushi, just not all at once! If he really wants, he can space it out over three days," Harry informed.
"Shite," Seamus commented, pinching the bridge of his nose. "They'll be feckin' sick of Asian food by Wednesday!"
"That is what I am counting on," the son of Prongs agreed.
"I'll get Piers on it," Dudley answered. "Everything is ordered so I will bid all you mad magicians a good night! Don't get killed."
"He says to a bunch of teenagers pranking Lord Voldemort and his Death Munchers," Justin stated wryly as their Muggle ally hung up.
"Ah, don't worry. I know how to appease those grumpy clogs," Harry reassured and grinned at Colin and Dennis. "Creevey brothers, how are those photos coming along?"
The Creeveys grinned.
"They're ready for tomorrow, General!"
"Good! Hopefully that will put a smile on Grandpa's face. Doubt it, but you never know."
###########################################################################
Mr. Mupples was very pleased with himself. He had managed to finish all of his Play-Doh creations and just in time too – Charlotte Higgs had the kittens trained for the next phase of Operation Bully the Pink Toad. Mr. Mupples was very pleased with his clay dragons, monsters and flowers, but he needed to make sure that they would be sent along with the kittens and any other finished 'gifts' for the demon toad.
Fortunately Mama Bella had put most of his best work into the box that was going to be given to Yaxley soon.
"Exquisite work, Mr. Mupples! Yes, the demon toad will not see this coming. Yes, indeed I hope her eyebrows get singed off," Mama Bella agreed as she carefully closed the box and started humming a song Mr. Mupples had never heard her sing before. It also got Teddy Ruxpin to shut up for a minute; Tom the Cabbage Patch Kid did not move or say a thing. As usual.
Mr. Mupples was glad his Mama Bella was a lot happier than normal. Maybe it was because of her sister's invitation? Or maybe it was because Lucius got shouted at by their Lord for losing sight of Thalia for even one minute? He had ended up with ten more Boglins for that mistake. It was far more likely because their Lord complimented her combat skills with the strange light swords, though.
Though he was happy that his papa was taking the slight to Mama Bella and her not-being-able-to-have-human-children problem seriously, Mr. Mupples could not deny he was a little bit apprehensive about the next lesson that the old coot in the silly robes would be teaching his Papa.
#########################################################################
So, Tonks and Amelia have their hands on a confession of some sort, the quills are doing their job, Mr. Mupples' army is ready and the Death Eaters have been doing some rather useful research on master prankers. How will Ginny and Ron knowing where the 'friend' of the Hogwarts Cabinet change Draco's plans? How will the vendetta against Umbridge continue? Will the Death Munchers love their Asian food? Stay tuned to find out!
Oh boy here we go! Thank you everyone who keeps sending me ideas, and especially for reminding me that I still have a few more food types to go through and put the Death Munchers through Asian food. You can suggest some good food companies but remember: stay in the bounds of 1995 please!
I don't think I have done this in a while so here I go: I am just creating a mental sand castle from the sand box that belongs to JK Rowling. I am the creator of Mr. Mupples and Thalia, but frankly they are so cemented with the Dark Side they might as well belong to Rowling too.
See you in the next chapter.
Kingmaker'sUmbreon