That's What You Get For Playing With Matches
So, here is my chapter, and...I don't like it. I have to get past it, though, so I'm posting it and maybe I'll come back and edit it when I get the chance.
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As they entered the dorm, Yukari's voice could be heard calling for her senpai from somewhere upstairs. The second floor was deserted – though a trail of comic books and takeout containers was coming out of one door – so they continued up the stairs to the third floor where they found the girls clustered around a door to the left.
"Senpai, please open the door!" Yukari pleaded. She swung around when she heard footsteps, but seemed to relax when she realized it was just Naoto, Rise, and Yukiko. "Senpai, we're coming in."
The room they entered was considerably bigger than a standard-issue bedroom. It had more than enough room for a full-size couch and a TV large enough for everyone to fit through. Some of the furniture was a bit extravagant for a high school student. A china cabinet? In a dorm room? Had Naoto come here on her own, she probably would have perused the many, many books shelved on the wall or stacked on the desk – but her attention was drawn to the far corner of the room, where Mitsuru lay curled up on an ornate bed, the evidence of tears all over her face, clutching a ruffled pillow as if it would protect her from the truth.
When Mitsuru finally spoke, it was quiet and unsure as if she had just learned to speak. "It's all my fault."
"Oh, Senpai…" Fuuka was the kind of person who got upset at others getting upset.
(Naoto thought she'd heard footsteps out in the hallway, but she said nothing. Turnabout was fair play, after all.)
"I thought...I thought Sh-Shinjiro was being facetious," she sniffled. "Of course he would tease Akihiko that way, they were best friends. It always looked...so personal. I couldn't imagine wanting to be that close to anyone at the time." This time, it was Yukari that looked away. "But Akihiko, he…" The pillow failed to be comforting enough. "He never saw any walls between us. It didn't matter who my grandfather was. We had something in common, so we were friends. Shinjiro was a harder sell," she remembered with a laugh, "but Akihiko was insistent. I'm not sure I would have survived that first year on my own without them. I never anticipated having friends..." The tears began to fall again. "...so I wasn't prepared to lose one." Then she began sobbing. "I should have been there! I shouldn't have forgotten! I let them both down, and I couldn't face Akihiko after that!"
Yukari sat down next to her. "Senpai, he doesn't blame you!" she said, "He doesn't even blame Ken-kun, really."
"When Father…" They waited for the tears to finish falling before Mitsuru attempted to start again. "My father died, in front of me...and I'd known the man that killed him since I was five years old. I had to face a roomful of people who couldn't have cared less if they'd tried and explain to them that he was gone with the most convoluted cover story I've ever had to rehearse, and then I had to face my mother and tell her the truth."
These details weren't in the files Naoto had read, but she'd strongly suspected there was more to the story – and this sounded horrible. She'd been too young when her parents died to be put in charge of anything.
The ruffled pillow threatened to explode as Mitsuru dug her nails into the plush cover. "In order to keep my father's company – my company – I would have to marry a man that I absolutely despised...and he reminded me of this every time I had to meet with him. Father had promised me this would not be the case, but he was gone, and I didn't feel as if I had anyone to turn to."
"Akihiko-senpai would have-" Fuuka was now crying as well, and Rise, ever the empath, had joined her.
"What right did I have to even ask, after failing to help him?" There was no consoling Mitsuru.
Aigis, who may have been missing the human quality of sympathy, but nonetheless looked as if she were upset, spoke for the first time since entering the room. "It was Akihiko-san who removed you from the premises that evening," she said, an undercurrent of sadness in her words that Naoto had not expected to hear from the robot.
"He carried you home, Senpai. He was so worried for you," added Fuuka.
Mitsuru sniffled. "If only I'd asked him to stay."
"That's when Makoto came along, wasn't it?" asked Yukari, and something incredibly sour began swirling in Naoto's stomach. Makoto Yuki was their team's leader, their Wild Card, and it was obvious that all these women seemed to have had feelings for him at around the same time. She knew what her own feelings for Yu had been, and both Rise and Yukiko were obviously smitten with him as well...was Yu also secretly dating all of his female friends, unbeknownst to any of them? When Naoto spent time with Yu alone, he never showed any indication that he was unwilling to advance further because he was in love with someone else. Was this how Wild Cards worked?
Mitsuru chuckled. "Have I ruined your image of a calculating seductress luring away your beloved in order to spite you? Honestly, I never intended for it to end up that way. At the time, I needed someone who would listen more than talk, and somehow, he knew that." She forced out another bitter laugh. "The irony is, I usually talked about Akihiko."
"Did you love him?" Yukari had a strange mix of emotions on her face, and she studied her senpai intensely. So did Fuuka and Aigis. Naoto looked at her friends, and they appeared to be coming to the same unhappy conclusion.
Mitsuru was quiet for a long time, and her answer was shaky.
"I was...very fond of him. I'd still be engaged if he hadn't been there to support me,but...something was always missing.He seemed to know exactly what I needed in public, but I still felt myself holding things back from him despite there being no need to. Apparently, it wasn't just on my end." She looked at Yukari, and for the first time since the trip began, Yukari met her gaze. "I realized long ago that I didn't love him the way you do...but he certainly didn't love me the way Akihiko would have."
Another footstep in the hallway would have broken the line of communication they'd so tenderly opened, so Naoto provided a distraction. "Why not tell Akihiko-san this now?"
The look Mitsuru gave her upon recognizing just who was in "her" room was scathing. "Spare me your hypocrisy, Shirogane. I don't have the tolerance for it on top of everything else today."
"My...hypocrisy?"
"As if you weren't equally as guilty of dodging Tatsumi," Mitsuru scoffed. "Honestly...even Akihiko noticed!"
He did? Akihiko, who didn't seem to understand when it was inappropriate to disrobe, who still hadn't gotten Teddie's name right...could see how she felt about Kanji? How did everyone manage to see something she never could? Was she really that blind to matters of the heart...or was she projecting her fears and feelings onto Mitsuru and Akihiko's similar situation?
"This isn't about Naoto-kun right now," Rise said firmly, though she looked a bit...nervous? "Akihiko-san is in love with you! Sure, it may have taken him a million years – I mean, he's a guy, they're clueless – but he finally said it in front of everybody! So now you gotta make a decision: do you love him?"
Mitsuru let out a deep, shaky breath, looked at the pillow for input, received none, and let it fall to the ground. Naoto's heart went out to her. Admitting that she could possibly...no, DID have feelings for Kanji, even to herself, had been the most difficult thing she'd ever done.
But it was Fuuka who spoke up, out of nowhere. "Don't worry – the rest of us don't."
That broke all the tension in the room, and everyone began laughing...even Mitsuru.
"Wow, harsh, Fuuka!" Yukari teased. "Besides, we all know you have a thing for Stupei for some reason."
"Yukari-chan! You promised not to tell!"
"What's this?" Mitsuru had nearly forgotten her anguish when presented with a new idea. The female Operatives were finally speaking to one another again.
"Should we go?" Yukiko may have also picked up on what had been left unsaid.
"Yes. They probably have a lot to talk about." replied Naoto. "I'm sure the boys are waiting for us."
Rise was silent as they left the third floor, but by the time they'd reached the living room, she had resigned herself to seeking the truth. "Okay," she said as she tried to find the words.
"Rise-san?"
"Everyone…everyone who went out with Senpai, raise your hand." Rise raised hers hesitantly, and after a moment, Naoto and Yukiko raised theirs. "Wow. Okay...um…"
"Do you think...Chie, too…?" asked Yukiko.
"I suppose we have a lot to talk about as well." This was not something Naoto had been ready for, but perhaps it was better to get things out in the open now, before an explosive incident like the one the Shadow Operatives faced decided to surface among their own team.
She also needed to prepare herself for Kanji's reaction.
"Wait, Chie, too?"
"Yosuke, you're not helping."
Yu had done a lot of thinking about his immediate predecessor. Not only had he sacrificed himself to save the world, he appeared to have had a...unique way of boosting team morale – at least among his female members.
He'd dated them all. And they had no clue until after he was gone.
Which meant Yu had some explaining to do if all the girls put their heads together for something other than hairstyling.
After Akihiko's outburst, the boys had pried him off the wall and tried to get him to talk, but he shrugged them all off and headed back to the dorm on his own. It was then that Junpei revealed how they'd all gotten into an argument about Makoto Yuki, and found out that all the girls were dating him at more or less the same time, Mitsuru included. Chie's eyes grew bigger, and she, too, suddenly ran off ahead of them. This left Yu terrified that the jig was up, and he tried confiding in Yosuke. Why he thought Yosuke would have anything helpful to say, well…
"How the hell did you have the time? I could barely stay awake at Junes, and here you are pulling quadruple shifts as a playboy?"
"I don't recommend it."
"Man, no wonder Teddie considers you his sensei. All he wants to do is 'score', and you've got the highest score in town!"
"Yosuke…"
"Kanji's gonna kill you, you know."
"Don't remind me."
"The thing I don't get," Yosuke began, partially because he clearly did not know when to quit, and partially because he was slightly hurt as well (though he'd never admit it), "is how you managed to get this by all the girls at once. Chie and Yukiko have been best friends forever – they tell each other everything. And we all know Rise would have been over the moon to announce she'd finally snagged her dreamboat senpai."
"Captain Ressentiment has evolved into Admiral Obvious."
"Ha ha. Seriously, though, Partner," Yosuke, serious? That was never good. "How do you date that many girls and not fall in love with at least one of them?"
The good thing about having Yosuke around was that he talked enough for the both of you.
"You don't, do you?"
They'd reached the front steps of the dorm, its activated TV the only light source for the entire street. The green cast made Yosuke look as sickly as Yu felt. He knew from the start that dating multiple girls had a good chance of blowing up in his face, but he'd managed to get through the year and leave Inaba unscathed, so he put it out of his mind...until he returned. Seeing them all...seeing her... brought up all those hidden fears. Was it worth breaking multiple hearts for a few good Personas? Would they understand, or would they all turn on him? How did Yuki handle this? Oh, right – he died. That was starting to look like a great plan.
Yu hung his head. "How am I going to explain this to her?"
"Do you want me to guess, or are you gonna tell me who she is?"
"Not here. Not now." They could see people heading back through the window. "Let me sleep on it while I still can." There she was. "IF I still can."
The last day on Yakushima was no fun for anyone.
Nanako didn't mind having Mitsuru all to herself, but even she thought it was strange that the heiress was avoiding Akihiko. She also seemed to have shrunk a foot or two, no longer carrying herself with authority. Even Yu, who got along with most everyone, was avoiding all the girls – and the girls seemed to be avoiding him, too.
Sometimes, it was annoying having to go to bed before everyone else.
Boxed lunches on the beach was still really cool, but it would have been better if the boys had joined them. Instead, the girls were all looking at each other, but not saying anything whenever they noticed Nanako noticing. It reminded Nanako of the adults around her after her mother died; talking about anything but what had just happened and generally being weird. When it began to rain, and everyone moved inside, she excused herself to call her dad and take a nap.
Mitsuru had managed to get through nearly an entire day with a storm brewing in her chest. Yukari hovered as only she could – and Mitsuru had truly missed her – but not even her best friend could calm the swirling, raging feelings that threatened to burst forth every time she opened her mouth to speak. How long had Akihiko had feelings for her? How COULD he love her, after everything she'd done?
She had cost him his career. She had cost him his Persona. He'd still be in South America if she hadn't insisted he return, getting him kidnapped and crucified and forcing him to give up everything just so he could be available to her...and all she was giving him was mixed messages. She didn't deserve his love, yet he returned her hysterical feelings blow by blow as if they were sparring.
And they were sparring, weren't they? Everything with Akihiko was a test of her strength. Her patience against his persistence. His recklessness against her restraint. Here was a man who kept her heart beating...in more ways than one. And yet it had taken them both several years to even realize what was going on, while everyone around them always seemed to have known! Yuki had to have picked up on it when they were dating. He knew enough to ask her straight out if she was in love with Akihiko. Her hesitant answer must have told him everything he needed to know, and yet, he still humored her. Was he waiting for her to realize it? Or had he hoped to change her mind? If he'd known Akihiko had feelings for her...was he willing to stand in his way?
And Yuki was angry now, upset at them for fighting and losing their way. The sacrifice he'd made – at the cost of his own life – had been undone by his very own friends. If Nyx reappeared now, what could they even do against her? It had taken a literal miracle to stop her two years ago. Asking Narukami to forfeit his life for them...that hardly seemed fair. SEES had self-destructed without their leader. The Investigation Team surely would as well. But the fight wasn't over. If the last known Persona-users fell...
This was too much for her mind to contemplate on top of everything else. She was returning to Iwatodai tomorrow, to the business world that disdained her. Back to Shiro, who knew about both Yuki and Akihiko now. What was he telling the press? Was Public Safety aware that Mitsuru was on vacation while her company was suffering, with a lowborn man that she'd already claimed multiple times she had no feelings for (though it was a wicked lie)? Could this hurt Akihiko's chances of returning to the police force?
In desperate need of something to control, Mitsuru found herself wandering down to her father's office, realizing only too late that she had locked the door with a key that wasn't on her person. Pounding on it just hurt her hand. Was she really this weak and scatterbrained? She couldn't seem to do anything right lately. Even her biggest fan, little Nanako, seemed disappointed in her lack of enthusiasm today. Mitsuru had just locked herself in her room for the remainder of the night, not even wanting to join the others watching ridiculous movies in the room where they'd first discovered Eiichiro Takeba's role in creating the Dark Hour. She was no use to them in her current state. She couldn't run the Shadow Operatives, and she couldn't run the Kirijo Group.
What would Father think of his little girl now?
Mitsuru backed away from the door to his office as if it were on fire. She didn't deserve to be there. The office was where grownups did important work. It was no place for a little girl to play.
You've made lying to yourself into an art form.
This is what happens when you refuse to take control of things.
The lounge was deserted, but no one had been by to tidy it yet. Pillows lay haphazardly on the couches, and they refused to sit straight no matter how much Mitsuru thwacked them with shaking hands. How slovenly! Father would be furious when he returned, this was not a flophouse! Sit up straight! Remember your dignity! And you! Limoges figurines! Why are you not parallel? Have you forgotten your place? WHY WON'T YOU STAY UPRIGHT, YOU'RE AN EMBARRASSMENT TO ME!
The pillow said nothing. It slumped over. Mocking her. StupiduselessineffectualcoldheartlessBASTARD! IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU!
Mitsuru saw red as the pillow collided with the others, with the Limoges, the end tables, the vases...all falling to the ground. She threw everything within reach as far as she could, not even caring if it broke. The unfeeling pictures of people long dead that couldn't come to her aid. The soulless trophies of an empire built on the lives of others. Curse you, all of you! She was so manic, she didn't even see the arms reaching to restrain her until it was too late.
"HEY!" Akihiko took several hits with the pillow before he managed to wrench it from Mitsuru and toss it out of reach. She struggled to get away from him, but he held firm. "Hey, it's okay! It's gonna be okay-"
"It's not okay! IT'S NOT OKAY! IT'S NOT OKAY!" Mitsuru sobbed as she finally broke down, pounding on his chest halfheartedly. "It's not okay..."
He sobbed back. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry..."
She gripped his shirt so tightly it threatened to tear. The truth came out in a frightened whisper. "...I'm not okay…"
"I know."
"I can't do this."
"Okay, you don't have to. You stay here. I'll go get her. I'll drag her ass back here myself." He held her gently now, and it broke her heart to see that he looked as bad as she felt. "Just don't cry anymore. I can't fucking stand to see you cry." A tear ran down his cheek, and Mitsuru reached up to catch it.
He was hurting.
He was hurting, too.
Mitsuru had been so self-absorbed that she had failed to notice Akihiko needed support and healing, because he was battling his own demons. His perceived failure to save his loved ones. His fear of losing them because of his obsession with strength. He had come home at her call...gave up everything to focus on taking care of her...because he loved her. And he grieved because he thought he'd failed to save her.
My darling, you are the only reason I am alive!
There was no use denying it any longer. Mitsuru arched up to meet Akihiko just as he was leaning down – moving in tandem as always – and finally, finally put her heart and lips to use in a soft, trembling kiss.
So warm and wonderful.
The next few minutes seemed to go by in a blur as they both realized being caught kissing in the living room was not something they wanted to happen, but neither of them wanted to stop now that they'd begun. Mitsuru had expended so much energy with her tantrum that she could barely walk down the hall. Akihiko scooped her into his arms and managed to get them to her bedroom before he, too, ran out of steam. They collapsed onto the bed, happily exhausted.
Mitsuru's mind was spinning out of control and she didn't know what to focus on first. Akihiko was with her, he was here in her bed at last, diving face first into her hair, choking back a sob as he sunk his hands into it, nuzzling her neck, driving her mad with his musk. He stopped when he heard a frustrated cry, and realized that Mitsuru was tugging at his shirt. It had been over a month since she'd felt his heart beating, and now she knew it was beating for HER.
Ohhh...I'm home.
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I didn't read the tie-in novel that deals with the first October 4th, Yukari, and another girl (because it's both rare and in Japanese), so I just fudged in some details.
I went back and forth on whether or not I wanted them to officially consummate their relationship. In the end, I decided to end the chapter here, and I'll be posting another interlude that has that AkiMitsu you've been craving...unless you haven't, in which case, it's not crucial to the plot, and you can skip it if you like. The point is, they're dating now.