Chapter 2: Abandon All Hope, Maybe
Somewhere on Earth
The night was almost silent save for the quiet whisper of the wind and the crackle of the smoldering wood of what had once been a cabin. The surrounding area was a great mess, what with all the disturbed snow, discarded weapons, and several forgotten shell casings. Here and there one could see the once white snow had been stained with drops of red and puddles of pitch black. All signs pointed to a quick but fierce battle, but strangely there were no bodies to be found anywhere.
Gazing out upon the battleground stood a stranger.
The figure was a male and dressed in a khaki trench coat over a white dress shirt with a necktie and pants, both the color of mud. The light brown fedora that sat on top of his head completed the ensemble, making him look as if he had just stepped out of an old noir film. If one looked close enough, you could even glimpse the handle of a .44 pistol peaking out of a hidden shoulder holster. The man himself was just as mysterious as the films he emulated.
It was hard to tell the man's ethnicity, his features containing traits that one could find among the Anglo-Saxon, Slavic and Asian nations. His skin was tanned and unmarred by any scars, something impossible in the wastelands. His eyes were the strangest shade of brown, somehow both dark and light with what could be seen of his hair was somewhere between brown and black. He was a paradox, noticeably bland and uniquely un-unique.
The stranger strode forward to investigate the battlefield, his footsteps never disturbing the freshly fallen snow.
Gazing upon the remains of the cabin, he starred at the former homestead as if it would reveal its secrets. Seemingly satisfied, he moved away from the cabin and towards the bloody battleground. Crouching down, he inspected the black blood and various weapons that were left forgotten in the snow. His eyes inspected each weapon and taking in every detail, ranging from the large rocket launcher to the small green knife. It wasn't until he came upon the large double headed axe did his placid expression crack, his lips curling into a small frown and his eyes narrowing on the red pentagram that emblazoned its head.
Turning away from the weapons he walked to an area that was mostly untouched with several sets of footprints, seemingly disappearing into nothing. The stranger looked around and then took a large lungful of air and his frown deepened.
The air was cold and relatively pure, as pure as the radiation soaked world can get, but there was something else in the air. Most would never have noticed it but there was a hint of wrongness in the ether, wisps of inferno that should not be found in the mortal world.
With a sigh the man turned away and shook his head before speaking, his voice bland and accentless. "Gabriel is not going to be happy."
As he walked away, the man disappeared into the night, one moment he was there and the next he was gone, as if he had never been there at all.
…-…
Hell
"No. Nope. Not happening. This cannot be happening!" I screamed to myself.
I have to say having an existential crisis in some back alley? Not fun. Not helped by the fact that the alley had the words "This is hell!" graffitied on the wall above an evil looking skull. The effect was somewhat lessened by someone drawing a penis in a way that made it look like the skull was giving a blowjob. I might have chuckled at the stupid humor had I not been freaking out.
"I can't be in hell! This…this is some kind of hallucination. Yeah I'm on a bad trip and this is all in my mind. And I'm going to wake up…now." I said before thrusting my hands out hoping that the world would fade away and I would be back in my cabin.
Unfortunately, nothing happened.
Letting out a sigh I ran my hands through my hair in frustration. "Aaaannd nothing. Wonderful."
Walking back toward a group of trashcans, I grabbed my twisted blade and hung it at my hip. For some reason my pipboy could never atomize the thing. With that done I grabbed the book I had skewered and finally examined it.
It was a blue leather bound book of fine quality with plenty of gold accents. The cover had a depiction of stars and a crescent moon with a circular seal of some kind resting in the curve. The seal itself was a strange thing of straight and curving lines, circles, and upside-down crosses. Finally, there was a beautiful red gem embedded in the book's spine that seemed to shine with an unnatural light. It would have been in pristine condition had there not been a rather noticeable hole through the entire thing.
"This is your fault." I said, glaring at the infernal tome.
Gritting my teeth, I opened the book and skimmed through the pages, looking for anything recognizable and was disappointed to find that it was written in a language that I didn't recognize and had strange runes I swear started to move. I was no stranger to taking risks, but messing with a possibly demonic book that I didn't understand seemed like a monumentally stupid idea. The Krivbeknih didn't count, I had only gotten involved with that insanity to destroy the evil thing and I still had nightmares about whatever I had seen when it was burned.
Still, how could I be in hell?
I had been a good man in life…an alright man…an okay man. Yeah, I can see why I might be down here, I doubt heaven would let an unrepentant killer like me in. Sure the vast majority of the people I had killed had it coming, but I probably shouldn't have taken so much pleasure in the act, they probably frown on that sort of behavior. The problem with that was that I wasn't dead yet!
I'm pretty sure those mutants…oh, those were demons, not just demon looking. Huh, demonic assassins, that's new. Still I had dealt with things far worse than those three before and other than surprising me with a missile launcher I had handled them rather easily. Despite the aches from my disastrous teleportation, I still felt alive and in fact could feel the damage healing. Cybernetics for the win. Of course that brings me back to the book and how I got here.
Considering that stories of demons existed for centuries this wasn't the first time these guys had appeared on earth, but they obviously weren't a common sight and thus thought to be myth. Which means getting to earth required something special like dark ritual or sacrificing a virgin, yes it sounded like something out of an issue of Grognak the Barbarian but maybe there was some truth to the fiction. Also if people could open a door to hell, maybe hell could open a door to earth. The book was probably that exact same door, being used by a group of assassins to do their work on earth. That…was actually pretty clever.
Still, I couldn't rely on some damaged infernal tome to crossover into another realm. If I wanted to get back, I needed help of some kind. Which meant I needed to go out and explore, maybe meet some new friends, probably more than a few enemies. Despite my situation I couldn't help myself from grinning at the prospect. Who else could get the chance to explore the afterlife of the damned?
Man, there was something wrong with me.
Still if this really was hell, it certainly didn't match what I was expecting. It was less a pit of suffering and eternal damnation and appeared to be more like a rough and downtrodden city. Hell, climbing down the tower that turned out to be a strange clocktower, I saw several posters (along with creepy graffiti) that was advertising a vocal concert for someone named Lilith.
Then there were the citizens. Once I got down from the clocktower I ran into a whole group of…things. They had been creatures of all shapes and sizes with some looking humanoid, others looked like anthropomorphic animals, and some appeared to be living objects. As for height differences some were rather short like the assassins, a few looked to be about average height while the majority were as tall as super mutants and could look down on me despite being tall by human standards. Thankfully the similarities stopped there as most lacked the muscle that could tear a man apart or snap steel, in fact most of them were rather thin and lanky. However, the one thing they all had in common were the various claws fangs and horns that marked them as predators while all their eyes glowed with an unnatural red, blue, or yellow light.
That begs the question, did these things originate from hell or were they damned souls? Did the difference even matter? Maybe, but right now I need to focus on what to do now and where to go. Those assassins had an office somewhere, maybe I could try and find them? Probably not, they probably don't know how to get back now that I damaged their book. Those lot didn't strike me as particularly smart save for the one in the tux. Maybe I could figure out who in hell would want me dead?
I chuckled at that idea. "Like that's a short list."
No, that would probably be a waste of time anyway. Even if I knew who hired them, tracking them down in an unknown land was a bad idea. I needed to get the lay of the land and figure out my options. Now where to start?
"Well what do I have here?" a smug sounding voice said from behind me.
With a roll of my eyes, I turned around and saw a lizard man smirking at me. He was a little bit taller than me with purple skin, orange stripes and mouth full of long needle like teeth. Clothing wise he was barefoot on account of his clawed feet, dirty torn jeans and a black tank top that looked to be a size to small on his broad frame. Given the cocky attitude and the nasty gleam in his eye, I'm pretty sure I know where this is going.
"Oh would you look at that! You look pretty human buddy!" he said walking closer with what looked like swagger.
"Thanks, never had a compliment like that before. Now buzz off, I'm not in the mood to be dealing with some two-bit mugger." I said crossing my arms and glaring.
"Oh, what gave me away?" the man said as he pulled out a butterfly knife, opening it with a well practiced and theatrical flip.
"The dirty clothes, the stupid grin, and the suicidal overconfidence. Plus I've sent dozens of morons just like you down here, so know what's good for you and walk away."
Unfazed with my threat the lizard man kept walking closer with knife in hand. "Trust me, you've never met anyone like me before. Now hand over all your cash and valuables and I might decide to not slice you from tit to dick."
"Oh for the love of- buddy I literally just got here." I said beyond frustrated. "I've been in an existential crisis for about an hour. So whatever you guys use for currency? Ziltch. Nada. Zero. I am broke, so find someone else to rob."
"No cash on you? That's fine I'm sure there are…other, ways to keep me from gutting you." As he said that a long forked tongue slipped out and slowly licked his lips as he eyed me up and down.
"Oh, it's going to be like that? Well, you're going to have to die now." I said as I relaxed my muscles and firmly planted my feet.
"Brave boy aren't You?" He said stepping closer and letting the tip his blade hover a few inches away from my neck. "Now unless you like it rough, take off your clothes or I'll-"
Not letting him finish his threat, I grabbed the hand holding the knife and jerked it upwards with plenty of force. The blade slammed into the bottom of his jaw and with a wet shink, the steel went through the mouth and skull and into the brain. The man's yellow eyes looked shocked for a moment before trying to say something only to come out as an incomprehensible gurgle. The shock was then replaced with fear as I met his gaze and the unnatural light behind them dimmed until they went from bright neon to a dull mustard color. Then like a marionette with its strings cut, his body collapsed onto the ground of the dirty alley.
I blinked in surprise for a moment, not quite expecting the thing to die so easily. Actually, can you die in hell? Like maybe double death?
Crouching down I checked the lizard man's body for any sign of life. There was no pulse to be found and granted the thing wasn't human so there might never have been one. I slapped it's face a couple times and got no response. If the thing wasn't dead then it was as close at it could be. With a shrug I ignored the possible death of something that was already dead and proceeded to follow rule number one of surviving the wasteland.
Loot everything not nailed down.
With an ease born of vast experience I went through the lizard's pockets and looked for anything that might be hidden on his person. Unfortunately, the man didn't have much on him save a black rectangular device and a wallet. The rectangle appeared to be made of metal and glass that lit up when I pressed a button on the side.
"What kind of tech is this?" I said as I look a closer look at the device. On the screen were the words 'swipe up to open'. Following the instructions by touching the screen and swiping up, the screen changed into a picture of the demon I had just stabbed holding a struggling small horned man in a headlock as he smiled at the camera. There were also several small squares that looked like they could be pressed like buttons on a computer.
"This is interesting." I said with wide eyes and almost salivating at the thought of reverse engineering some new technology. "Definitely going to play with this later."
Shoving the new device into my pants pocket, I then grabbed the worn-out black wallet and went through its contents. There wasn't much in there save for several pieces of paper that resembled old world and NCR money. It was green and had the word hell emblazoned on the right and a pentagram on the left with the image of a creepy looking jester displayed in the middle.
"I guess this is what they use instead of caps." I said to myself as I brought up my pipboy and atomized the dollar bills. Satisfied with my haul, I grabbed the book and tied it to my belt using some cloth strips taken from the lizard man's shirt and exited the alleyway.
"Alright now if I were trying to get the lay of the land where would I go?"
Looking around I saw several directions to go and plenty of places advertising their wares. Off in the distance among the elaborate neon lights was a small sign hanging from a short rundown brick building with a tin roof. Written in bright blue letters was 'The Short Drop' with a yellow noose wrapped around the neck of a green bottle.
"A drink sounds nice right about now." I said with a grin.
…-…
The Short Stop bar looked like your typical booze house. Worn out furniture, dirty light fixtures, and cheap beer. There were several colored televisions hanging in the corners of the bar, several pinball machines and a flickering jukebox that looked like it was one bad wire away from shorting out. The people themselves were more of the same as outside just much more inebriated and rowdy.
Despite what the old holovids would tell you, no one turned around to glare at me when the door to the bar slammed shut as I entered. In fact the only one who even seemed to notice my presence was the bartender. He stood about seven feet tall with the appearance of a black bodied and brown headed bird, with feathered arms rather than wings and was watching me with three bright blue eyes.
Working my way through the room and avoiding the occasional thrown bottle I took a seat at the surprisingly clean bar. The bird man planted his elbow on the bar while the other was out of sight underneath the bar. No doubt ready to grab a weapon of some kind.
"What'll you have buddy?" the man asked in an airy musical voice.
"Whatever will get me buzzed. I have had one hell of a day." I said getting comfortable on the well used bar stool.
"Couple bottles of Cowbird Brew coming up." The bartender said, turning around and grabbing a couple of blue bottles from a fridge and setting them down in front of me. "That'll be twenty-four mons."
"Mons? Oh that's what they're called." I said as I reatomized several bills and handed them to the bird man.
The bird man raised his third eyebrow as he took the cash. "Neat trick. Yeah mons, Mammon named it after himself. When you put the demon of greed in charge of making money of course he's going to do shit like that. You new around here?"
"Dropped in about an hour ago." I said taking a sip of the beer. It was actually delicious and much more tame than my usual booze. "Damn that's good."
"Thanks, I made it myself. Where'd you get the cash? Most folks start out empty handed when they first fall."
"Ran into a mugger a few minutes ago. It didn't end well for him." I responded and down the rest of the beer in a few big gulps.
"Hah! Not even a day and your already showing people who's boss. I swear the humans today are a different breed." The bird demon said as he began to wipe down the bar.
"So…" I said as I reached for the second bottle. "Let me ask you something. Is this really Hell? Like H-E-double hockey sticks, fire and brimstone, abandon all hope ye who enter here. That hell?"
The bird let out a chuckle at my description as he dropped his rag and leaned forward on both elbows.
"Afraid so pal. Hell, Jahannam, Hades whatever you call it. Welcome to the rest of your existence, however long that may be."
I quirked an eyebrow at his choice of words "Something I need to know?"
"Do I look like a guidance counselor? You're going to have to figure it out for yourself." He said about to turn away before I raised my voice at him.
"No, you look like a guy that wants to make money." I said holding up the one hundred mon bill I found in the mugger's wallet. "Answer my questions and it's all yours."
The bartender eyed me warily for a few moments before turning back to me with a sigh. "Fine what do you want to know?"
"First, your name. I don't like dealing with someone unless I know their name." I said.
The bartender closed his eyes for a few seconds before answering. "The name's Tweet. Most sinners change their name when they get down here."
I gave a hum of acknowledgement as I took a sip of beer. "Well, I'm still Paul and I'm staying that way. Now next question, what's up with hell? I was expecting eternal damnation, not…this."
Tweet let out a high pitched chuckle at my question. "Expecting torture and hellfire? Don't worry it's still there if you look for it and there's plenty of suffering to go around. Fun fact about hell? It's full of bad people. Liars, cheats, thugs, and the dregs of humanities leftovers, you obviously included. Now you take all these pieces of shit and stick them into one place and just let them go wild. No punishments or tortures needed because we do that to each other on a daily basis."
That…was actually brilliant. Bad people would stubbornly refuse to change their ways and obviously death wouldn't change their attitudes. The humans would go on to torture each other in all ways possible, no demons needed. Unfortunately, most people didn't have the resolve or enough regret to try and redeem themselves. People like the Burned Man were hard to find.
"Okay but what about death? The mugger sure seemed dead when I turned his head into a pin cushion. Which is odd considering this is the afterlife."
The bird pulled his head back slightly at my words. "That's because he wasn't dead. You see there are two types of demons. The hellborn and sinners. Hellborn are natural born demons like imps, hellhounds, and succubi. The classic demons the holy folk warned about, they all have their own small quirks but they can usually be killed through normal means. Sinners like us are different. You can be shot, stabbed, pulverized or flambéed and will never die, not even if you want to. You can be turned into paste, but you'll heal up and be good as new, eventually. The nastier the wound the longer it will take. You want to end a sinner permanently you are going to need something special."
That's concerning. They might not be able to die but I sure as hell could and if someone was determined enough, they could just keep coming at me until they got lucky. Might have to rely on energy weapons more often. It probably takes a long time to comeback from being turned into a pile of ash or a puddle of goo. Still…
"What did you mean 'end a sinner'? We can actually die in hell?" I questioned.
Tweet began to shift in place, looking very uncomfortable. "Did you see the clocktower outside?"
"The one I crashed into when I fell? Yeah." I said nodding.
"That's one of the clocktowers that are scattered all around hell. They countdown to the next extermination day." He said in a low and fearful voice.
"Well that sounds pleasant. Let me guess, it's the day that the devil himself comes down from his dark castle and hands out free balloon animals and an ice cold nuka cola." I said sarcastically.
"I wish. No, it's an annual day of slaughter." Tweet said gravely. "There a lot of sinners in hell, with millions here in Pentagram city alone and billions more scattered across hundreds of other cities. The problem is when you compare the amount of people down here now as opposed to who have fallen, the numbers don't add up. That's because for one day every year heaven sends down an army of angels to slay demons, sinner and hellborn alike without care. Millions die every year, blood and bodies litter the streets and no one is safe. The angels can't be stopped and the blades can end anyone. No more afterlife, just oblivion."
…
…
"Wow." I dumbly said.
"Yeah, not what you expected from heaven right?"
"The slaughtering of sinners? No that makes perfect sense. It's just the scale of things down here. Are there really of billions of people walking around?" I would love to see that. On earth the world's population probably numbered only in the high hundred millions.
Tweet on the other hand looked shocked beyond belief. Whatever he was expecting from me it hadn't been my response. "What do you mean that makes perfect sense!?" the bird demon yelled, getting the attention of everyone in the bar.
"Because it does? Have you not read any of the bible? I mean you look like you've been down here a long time so I thought you were prewar. Prewar people read the bible more often back then, right?" I asked eliciting several glares being directed my way.
"I wasn't religious, besides wasn't God and heaven supposed to be full of tight-laced goody two shoes? My mother always tried to drill into how God was good and all that bullshit."
"Thus saith the Lord God; Because the Philistines have dealt by revenge, and have taken vengeance with a despiteful heart, to destroy it for the old hatred; Therefore thus saith the Lord God; Behold, I will stretch out mine hand upon the Philistines, and I will cut off the Cherethims, and destroy the remnant of the sea coast. And I will execute great vengeance upon them with furious rebukes; and they shall know that I am the Lord, when I shall lay my vengeance upon them."
"The fuck, where does it say that?" he asked very surprised.
"Ezekial twenty five. Plus there's Sodom and Gamora, places so bad that they tried to rape the angel that was sent down to see if there any good people left in town. Hell, the great flood? Up until Jesus, smiting evil people was the norm for God."
"Well shit, I guess I should have paid more attention then." Tweet mumbled to himself. "How can you even remember a quote off the top of your head like that?"
"I've got a great memory and I used to be a chaplain."
"Chaplain, really? How did you wind up down here then?"
"That is a loooong story." I said finishing off my beer. "So demons can die to angels, but that's it? Nothing else?"
"Angel blades. After ever extermination there are always some angel weapons leftover that will kill you regardless of who's wielding it. Luckily the majority of the blades are snatched up by the Lords."
"Lords?" I sighed in frustration at hearing that, already having an idea of what my answer would be.
"Scary motherfuckers. These are the kinds of guys you didn't mess with on earth but should be terrified of now. The worse you sin and the more you do it while alive the more powerful you are down here. And I'm not talking about the Stalins or Hitlers either, they may have ordered the evil but they didn't pull the trigger themselves. I'm talking about the kind of psychos that have personally killed dozens, maybe even hundreds while alive. And they come in two different flavors.
For the longest time there were the Overlords, some of them go back centuries or even millennia. These are the guys who run hell. Every resource or business down here falls under the control of some Overlord or another. See those television sets in the corners?" He said gesturing towards the color TV's I had noticed when I first walked in.
One was showing several demons playing a game of poker at some tournament while the other showed a scrawny looking blond woman alongside a man who had a gasmask for a face reporting the news. It all looked very strange seeing something from the old world on display with such strange creatures in place of humans.
"I'm assuming an Overlord runs the television network?" I asked.
"No, he is the television network. Overlord Vox is known as the TV Demon for a reason. Every tv screen down here is made by Vox Corp and every one functions as his eyes and ears. Anything you can think of like vodka, candy, drugs, or guns everything has an Overlord controlling it from on high. They have the power and the cash to do just about whatever they want, and they don't like competition or anything that threatens their power."
Okay, I guess the Overlord's function like any of the merchant companies in the wasteland. Find a niche business, make sure their supply can meet demand and have enough firepower to kill anyone who threatens their operations. The thing is that most companies stay out of each other's way in a live and let live kind of way. The Overlords on the other hand seem to have less in common with the usual merchant and more with the Van Graffs or the Crimson Caravan Company. Ruthless and more than willing to murder anyone who got in their way.
"Alright, the Overlords control Hell's economy, what about the other type you mentioned?" I asked.
"Warlords." Tweet spat with a tone full of malice. "The last two hundred years have not been nice to hell. We've been getting more and more fallen that take to hell like a fish to water. To them the violence and chaos seem almost natural, forming their own groups and pillaging to their heart's contents. Gangs have always been a staple of hell, but these guys take it a step further. They build their own personal armies, lead them into battle and tear apart towns or even cities if their powerful enough. Overlords have the economic power, but Warlords have overwhelming force.
The thing is that Warlords used to exist centuries ago according to the old timers, before and during the dark ages, but only in small numbers. After a few exterminations and getting on the wrong side of too many Overlords they were basically extinct. And then the Great Fall happened and suddenly they start popping up all over the place. The worst part is that more are falling every year and the power struggles are just getting worse."
Tweet looked absolutely furious as he described the Warlords and their armies. I can't blame him because it sounds like the Warlords are just up jumped raiders. I guess when fifty percent of earth's population are raider gangs, violent tribals and vicious mercenaries it's no surprise hell would just make them worse.
"Alright last question. How do I get out of here?"
Tweet looked surprised and just blinked for several seconds. "I'm sorry what?"
"How do I get out of here? I know it's possible. In fact, it's because of several demons that I'm down here in the first place. Plus given all the stories of demons on earth, it's not the first time."
Tweet just shook his head in response. "Sorry buddy sinners like us are going nowhere. The only ones who can travel back and forth between the Rings are the hellborn. As for going to earth the only way for even a hellborn to go there is with the backing of royalty. You and I? We're stuck in the Pride Ring for the rest of eternity."
Well shit, there goes the easy option. Guess I'll have to figure a way out on my own. Wait… "Pride ring? Did Dante get it right?"
"Kinda. There are seven rings, not nine and they are all named after the seven sins. Each one is run by a King but that doesn't really matter because human sinners can't leave the Pride ring."
Seven sins huh? So what would that be? Pride, wrath, lust, greed, sloth, gluttony, and envy. I'm sorry to say none of them are new to me. Still what would the kings be like power wise? Probably not something I want to face head on.
"Why the emphasis on the human sinners? Are there more than humans down here?" I asked somewhat skeptical.
"For a few millennia, no. Nothing down here but fallen humans and hellborn. However, the last few centuries' things have gotten…weird. A decade before the Fall some weird demons showed up, obviously demons but all metal and only showing a single emotion. Later I found out the human eggheads went and made living machines, a couple decades later some animals and monsters started falling because I guess they became sentient too." Tweet said sounding extremely annoyed.
I had to think about what he said and had to nod in acknowledgment. Robots were just machines but if their AI programs were given personalities and allowed the chance to choose and develop themselves? Well Nora and her railroad allies had always thought Synths had souls, who's to say it couldn't apply to the regular robots as well? Little ED-E was the perfect example of that, loving his creator, enjoying the 'Ralphie' radio show and sacrificed himself to stop Ulysses from launching nukes from the Divide. He didn't know he could transfer his memories to his original body, he had been expecting to die to save others. If any robot deserved to go to heaven when they died, it was that little guy.
As for animals, well Dogmeat and Rex were just as smart as most humans and usually more compassionate. Of course, I had also seen how needlessly violent some creatures could be. They hadn't been defending their territory or hunting for food, just hunting for the sake of it. It really wasn't a surprise that they would end up down here.
"So there are some nonhuman sinners down here, does that change anything?" I asked.
"Fuck yeah it does. These freaks can't die, just like the rest of us. However unlike us they weren't human and can travel all across the seven rings. The rules were not meant for them, so they have free reign to do whatever they want, and some of the higher ups take advantage of that for their businesses. The problem is while they can go anywhere, they're still fallen sinners and the exterminators scour the rings looking for them and killing any demon they come across, sinner or hellborn. Before they showed up the Pride Ring was their only stop, now the rest of the rings get in on the chaos. I haven't seen the damage myself but from what I've heard from the hellborn, it's pretty bad."
My eyes widened a bit at the information and had to actively keep my lips from turning into a smile. I could work with this.
If machines and animals didn't fall under the standard rules of hell, maybe other things didn't. Maybe things like a still living human. I might be to able abuse this cosmic loop hole to get out of here.
"So there really isn't a way out, no being summoned to earth or redeeming yourself to get out of here?" I asked.
It was a rather simple question, one that I expected to be answered with a no. Instead, the whole bar went quiet, and everyone turned their head towards me and stared. I was about to pull out a weapon to defend myself from whatever perceived slight I had blundered into, only to stop when everyone did something that took me off guard. They laughed. Not just small chuckles but great gut busting peals of laughter, even Tweet joined in with a high pitched whistle of his own.
"R-Redeeming yourself?!" The bird managed to sputter out. "Are you serious? This is hell buddy. This is where murdering, lying, raping, no good, low down, scum sucking pieces of shit like you and I end up after we die. There ain't no redeeming anyone down here, and anyone who tells you differently is either scamming you or an idiot. People don't change and you better get used to that."
I blinked in surprise, not really sure how to respond to how everyone just dismissed the idea of redemption. Although I may not be sure how to respond, I sure knew how to feel. Disgust and pity.
"So your telling me that none of you have so much as thought about bettering yourself?" I asked getting some scoffs in response.
"Why would we? We are already in hell, why bother trying to be a goody- goody moron?" A small armadillo looking demon said from a nearby table.
"Maybe because that might be the ticket out of here? This is hell, the place that three of the world's largest religions all warned against and could avoid by living well, avoiding evil deeds and seeking forgiveness for your sins. Do you want to know what the good book says about us? That we are all sinners, the difference between the ones down here and upstairs is that they decided to be good. Now let me ask you all this, do any of you regret what you did in life?"
There were a lot of eye rolls and confirmations that of course they regretted their actions. Their tones of voice didn't sound regretful or ashamed to me.
"No, you fuckers don't. You regret that you had consequences for your actions, not the actions themselves." I snarled at them.
"Yeah well, your down here with the rest of us you little holier-than-thou piece of shit!" A large shark man in a grey tuxedo said as he stood up from the table and marched towards me, the floor vibrating with every step. He leaned over me and growled, making me notice the maw full of razor sharp teeth. "What do you regret you sanctimonious prick?"
What do I regret?
I regretted not being fast enough to save Lucas Simms. I regretted convincing the residents of Tenpenny towers to let Roy in. I regretted that little Marie grew up without her parents because I blew their brains out. I regretted that I wasn't there to save Sarah Lyons, that I couldn't spare the Sorrows from bloodshed, that I played a part in killing hundreds when I accidentally created the divide.
Looking into the shark's red eyes, I glared at him with as much anger as I could muster. The shark and several other demons took a step backwards when I did that, satisfied to see I could still be a terrifying presence when I wanted to. "I have more regrets than you could even comprehend fish face. Each one ended with death and destruction. Now back off before I find out how shark tastes." I said with the widest smile I could manage.
I got the effect I wanted, and the demon backed away, managing to get back to his seat without taking his eyes off me.
"Wow, I have never seen Bruce back down like that." Tweet said, seemingly much more wary of me. "So what makes you think that redemption would even be an option? We are in hell after all and you just got here."
"Exactly!" I shouted causing the bartender to flinch. "I just got here and the only thing nasty that has happened to me was a single mugging. That's it just one, that happened all the time on earth so it was nothing new. I expected hell to be fire, brimstone, and non-stop torture of the damned. This…is not that. This is a civilization even if it is a piece of crap. This is the only place I've been and what do we have here? Souls of the fallen sinners sitting around, drinking beer and watching TV. With everything you've told me this place sounds less like eternal torment and instead one big cosmic jail, and who is to say you can't be released on parole for good behavior?"
When I finished, I saw several stunned faces in the crowd, obviously not having thought of that. Granted I was making it up as I went but to me it still made sense. Why give the damned the luxury of existing how they saw fit when hell was meant to be their eternal punishment? I think the answer was that this was one last chance to prove themselves worthy. I mean there were plenty of people on earth who did bad things and never once thought of themselves as bad people and that they were justified. I had always been worried that that may have included myself and had taken years to work through that self-deprecating mindset. However, if you were sent down here there was no excuse, you were a bad person and no amount of lying to yourself would change that.
Still if I was running with the jail analogy, the Overlords and Warlords would be rival gangs, each trying to be on top of the food chain while the rest of the prisoners tried to get out of their way and serve their time. The problem was that the only things that counted as guards were the exterminators and they only stepped in once a year to kill as many of the prisoners as they could. The question is why? Why try and cull some of the population every year and denying them the chance to change their ways? It accomplishes nothing, unless extermination day was meant to force sinners to try and change, an ultimatum of redemption or oblivion. Of course, an ultimatum only works if you know about it but in this case, it makes sense. Humans are naturally rebellious to varying degrees and if heaven were to come down and say 'better yourself or we'll kill you' to the nasties down here, they might just refuse to change out of spite. Possibly even band together to try and fight them. If they just slaughtered demons without warning or reason annually, then they would be seen more as a natural disaster. Something to be avoided and survive rather than fight against and like mole rats running from a deathclaw, they would do everything they could to escape. And if the sinners just so happened to come up with the idea of redemption on their own, they might try and change their ways.
There is also the possibility my theory is completely wrong and I am an idiot. I am okay with either option.
"Oh god you sound exactly like that stupid princess." Tweet groaned.
"Princess?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, princess. Daughter of the ruler of the Pride Ring, one Charlotte Morningstar."
It was a good thing I had already drank my beer because I may have spit it out in surprise. "Morningstar?! As in…"
"Fallen angel himself? Yeah, he's in charge of the Pride Ring with Pentagram City functioning as the capital. He and his wife live in a mansion at the city's center."
Oh, so Lucifer himself lived in town. I…don't know what to say about that. I hadn't even considered that God's former favorite angel was down here, someone who thought he could take on GOD and take his place. As dangerous as I knew I was, crossing him sounded like a colossally stupid idea.
"What did you mean I sounded like the princess?" I asked.
"Because she's a naïve idiot. A couple weeks back, she goes on the news and talks about how she's opening a hotel for sinners who want rehabilitation. Thinks she can save sinners and get them into heaven to avoid extermination day. Went on about how about how there's good inside every demon with rainbows and cotton candy and all that shit. Dumb bitch even went and sang a musical number. I don't know how her parents raised her, but they clearly went wrong somewhere."
"My favorite part was when the whole thing ended in a brawl with Katie Killjoy." A patron said and got several laughs from the others and a few insults towards this Charlotte.
"I'm sorry I must have misheard." I stuck my pinky in my ear and twisted it. "Are you saying that the daughter of Lucifer, the king of hell is trying to save sinners from being horribly killed, and you're mocking her?"
That was so stupid! Did these guys really just insult someone who went live on air, publicly announce that she wants to help save these idiots and they have the gall to laugh at her! Aaand there was the familiar feeling of wanting to shoot someone in the face for their sheer stupidity. You know, I might be able to do it this time since these morons can't die from it. Maybe…nah, not worth the bullets.
"She thinks she's some kind of fairytale princess thinking she's going to swoop in and save the day. Of course we are going to laugh at her. You might have put it in better words than her, but the idea of getting sinners accepted into heaven by playing nice is not just stupid, it's laughable. I'm planning to use her flyers as toilet paper." Tweet said looking annoyed. "Now are you done? If you are than pay up and get out."
Reaching into my pocket I pulled out the money I promised and held it out to Tweet, only to pull it back just as he was about to grab it. He somehow twisted his beak into a scowl while I gave him a small smile.
"Not yet. I'm going to need one of those flyers."
…-…
Attention all citizens
Are you tired of living in sin and fear? Done with all the pain and misery of living in hell? Terrified of being slaughtered on Extermination Day?
We can help!
Here at the Happy Hotel, we aim to serve all our customers who are seeking redemption and aim to better themselves. As long as our patrons try our treatment in an attempt to be accepted by heaven, they will be provided with free room and board and a weekly allowance.
Sure, redeeming a demon has never been attempted before but there is a first time for everything! Who knows, maybe you will the first demon to get into heaven where you can have all the puppies you can ever want! That sounds awesome right?
Anyways we are located on 522 Serpent Row in the southern outskirts of Pentagram City. We Hope to see you soon! :)
Rereading the crumpled and torn flyer again, I smiled at the excessively cheerful writing style. Whoever wrote this had clearly tried to be professional only to quickly fall back into a very bubbly wording. Sure, there was a possibility that this hotel was a trap of some kind, luring in those that were looking for a way out like me. I unfortunately had plenty of experience of people doing just that in the wasteland, usually because they wanted to eat me. It's kind of weird how polite cannibals usually were.
Still the reward outweighed the risk. Someone wanted to help sinners escape hell and better themselves so they could make it into heaven. I'm pretty sure there are few causes more righteous than that, in fact that was exactly what Jesus had done only for the living while this Charlotte seemed to want to do it after death.
And wasn't that funny? This princess was apparently the daughter of the devil himself, the guy who rebelled against God over his hatred of humanity, was trying to save sinners. I guess the apple fell far here. Again, it could all be a trick and Charlotte was just acting, but I didn't think so. Those demons back at the bar had laughed at her idea, absolutely no respect which means they would never go along with her ideas. If it were an act, she would want people to fall for her plot by appealing to their desperation for escape, instead she was being ridiculed for her supposed naivete. Ultimately, I would just have to see for myself.
Folding up the paper I slipped it into my pocket and continued on my way.
Glancing down at the device I had looted from the mugger, I saw the dot on the map move as I got closer to my destination. I had to hand it to whoever invented this little machine, they were a genius. A cordless telephone, camera, and map all rolled into one small package was amazing with several other functions I had yet to explore. I would definitely have to reverse engineer this thing when I had the time and figure out how to make it back on earth.
As I walked along the sidewalk, I stole a couple of glances at the demons walking down the street, my eyes hidden behind my mask. It was so strange to see all these monstrous beings and know that they had all once been human. Why did they look like that, why be forced to give up their human bodies? Maybe there was supposed to be something symbolic in their forms that reflected their sins? Tweet would be a perfect example of that. Sure, he hadn't come out and said what he had done to end up down here, but the clues were there. His form resembled a bird called the Brown-headed Cowbird which was now extinct for obvious reasons. After reading a semi burned book on the various species of birds in north America, I learned that the Brown-headed Cowbird was infamous for laying its eggs in other bird's nests and tricking them into raising their young. That combined with his job as a bartender, I'm guessing that he was the cause of several fathers raising kids that weren't theirs.
Still, it didn't really matter to me, Tweet's sins were his own and it was up to him to do something about it because I had my own concerns to deal with.
First, I had to find this Happy Hotel which I was having trouble deciding whether that name was dumb or ironic. After that I would have to carefully set my plan into motion…as soon as I came up with a plan. Honestly, I was just making it up as I went. I mean it's not like I had many options here. I was in HELL, I could only trust people as long as I paid them and even that wouldn't stop some from stabbing me in the back, both figuratively and literally. Then there was the issue of getting out of here which according to Tweet was only possible for the hellborn with connections to royalty. Of course, I being a still living human didn't need to follow those pesky rules, I think.
My main problem was that I needed someplace I could use as a base of operations to work out of. A place where I didn't need to constantly look over my shoulder and could figure things out in peace. The Happy Hotel was perfect if the flyer was telling the truth, because attacking the home of the devil's daughter sounded stupid beyond belief. Plus, I might just learn a thing or two by being around her if it doesn't blow up in my face. Oh well, another day another possibility of a horrible death. Nothing new.
Walking along the sidewalk I kept my eye out for anything that might be a threat as I heard an explosion go off in the distance. Thankfully I had only run into a few attempted pickpockets which were mostly resolved with a punch to their jaws and a few possible muggings that didn't happen once I shot them a masked glare. It seems not everyone down here was as stupid as the lizard man.
Glancing at the map one more time I saw that I was about an hour away from the hotel. Hmm, maybe I could grab something to eat first? That diner looks pretty good and I still have some mons-
"Please don't do this!"
I stopped at the cry of the female voice coming from the alley up ahead. With a small sigh and a mental command, a large pistol named Lil Devil appeared in my hand with a flash of green. Checking it to make sure it was loaded and pulling the slide back, I made my way towards the entrance.
"I don't have to do this." I mumbled to myself. "This is hell, whoever is in trouble deserves to be here. I can just walk away."
Despite trying to talk myself out of this my body continued towards the alley. Rolling my eyes, I knew I couldn't just walk away. Someone was in danger and demon or not I was going to step in if there was trouble. Being a good man could be rather annoying.
Turning the corner and heading down the alley, I saw more graffiti and several gang tags along the walls. At the end of the alley was a back door for some red bricked building with a single flickering light over the entrance.
Off to the right of the door near the corner was a group of demons. Two of them looked like human shaped cockroaches, an eight foot tall but skinny mantis and a short knee high bug that resembled a roly poly. They were all dressed in dirty and patched clothing save for the roly poly who had on a black leather jacket a couple sizes too big. They were all armed with several small caliber pistols, but nothing I would consider any real threat.
The four of them were all facing away from me and closing in on another figure who was almost up against the wall. They were very unique from all the demons I had seen so far, mostly because of how human she looked. She stood a few inches shorter than me, but still very tall for a girl, though the inch high heels helped a bit. She was dressed in simple but high quality black pants, white dress shirt with a black bowtie, and a buttoned up red tuxedo coat over that. It somehow looked both professional and cute on her feminine frame. The demon herself could have easily passed for human from a distance with her pale skin and waist length blonde hair. This close to her however, I could see she wasn't just pale, but literally white skinned. Then there were other details that showed her demonic heritage such as the black nails, black lips, very rosy cheeks, and the red and yellow eyes I had seen on other demons. If I was honest, she was very cute.
With the four bugs surrounding the woman it was easy to figure out that it was yet another mugging, this time by a group rather than an individual. I was about to open fire upon the muggers only to stop myself as I noticed something odd. The woman didn't look scared. Sure, she was obviously nervous and held up her right hand in a placating gesture, but her left hand was hidden behind her back, and she didn't show any signs of fear. She no doubt had a hidden weapon and the lack of fear may have been because of how good she was with it. Yet she seemed to be speaking with the muggers, probably trying to talk them down somehow. Why didn't she just shoot them and be done with it?
Maybe she didn't want to shoot them, maybe she didn't want to fight at all.
While I couldn't agree with that sentiment, I could at least respect it. If that were the case than I couldn't just rush in and take them out like I wanted to. She was the one being robbed yet she didn't want to fight, and if I resorted to 'killing' them then her efforts would be wasted. Although the threat of violence was sometimes more effective than violence itself. I could work with this.
Squaring my shoulders and standing as tall as I could, I took a step forward.
…-…
"Please oh please oh please don't do this, I don't have any money on me you guys. Buuuut if you guys just let me go get some I'll be right back. I'm sure you wouldn't be doing this if you didn't need it." I said trying to give them the most heartwarming smile I could so they would let me go without a fight.
It didn't work.
"Hah! Hear that boys? The Princess thinks we're stupid." The small bug demon said while his minions chuckled. "Well we ain't and we know your type. Rich hoity toity brats who like to pretend they're good, but laugh at the poor schmucks behind their backs. Met plenty of bitches like you while alive and let me tell you, they all had some pretty big stacks hidden away. I heard you've got plenty of daddy's cash to burn and rich girls like you don't stash it, you carry it on you so you can wave it in other's faces. Now hand it over or we'll show you just how far your pop's influence goes."
The four demons all brandished their pistols and made a show of flicking off their safeties and pulling back their slides. With the hand behind my back, I drew in my magic and channeled it into my fingertips as a ball of flame manifested out of the ether.
When I left to go hand out flyers for the hotel, I had hoped things would work out without issue. Now I just felt sad as yet another plan fell apart. I really didn't want to hurt my citizens, but I would defend myself if I had too. I just wish I didn't have too.
As the four demons closed in, I took in a deep breath to unleash the flame spell…only to stop as someone loudly cleared their throat.
The demons all stopped and turned around; their guns still ready to be used. Standing about twenty feet away was a demon a few inches taller than me but much broader, wearing a long yellow coat and black armor I had never seen before. His face looked similar to Tom Trench's only more metallic with bright green eyes and no hair to be seen. In his hands was also one of the bulkiest pistols I had ever seen, which was saying something as mom had always had fun taking her to the shooting range. Dad had always hated it, but he could never really say no to mom when she really wanted something.
"So, gentlemen. Anything I can help you with?" he asked politely. That…that was strange. Most people in hell refused to be polite.
"The hell?! No, fuck off you kibitzer. This doesn't concern you." The pill bug demon said turning away from the man.
"Oh, but it does. You see when I notice a bunch of thugs accosting a pretty woman in a dark alley, how am I supposed to walk away from that? Plus, I couldn't believe just how cliché you idiots are."
The muggers bristled at the insult and suddenly the yellow coated man had all their attention. The man didn't seem to care as he…did he just call me pretty?
"The fuck did you just call us?"
"Idiots. I mean here you are, the cliché criminals lurking in a dark alley harassing a not so cliché damsel in distress. I mean you guys are lucky because I'm guessing the only reason you guys are still vertical is because she doesn't want to kick your asses."
I tilted my head a little and shot the man a questioning look. How had he known?
The man looked back at me, raised his hands and shrugged his shoulders. "I'm very perceptive."
"You're kidding me right?" the little demon asked, stifling a laugh. "The spoiled little bitch is beyond useless and you want to be her little knight in shining armor?"
"Black armor but sure. Might as well continue the cliché and swoop in to save her from getting her hands dirty. Now I'm going to give you the opportunity to walk away from this unharmed. If not, I'll gladly put you all down." He said menacingly. That was actually a pretty good growl.
"Fuck you, it's four on one." With that the four demons all aimed their weapons at the man, who didn't seem to care at all.
"I might be outnumbered, but in case you haven't noticed I have you outgunned," he raised his large pistol which easily dwarfed the other weapons. "outarmored," he said tapping the thick looking chest piece. "and more importantly, outclassed. Now the question is, what are you all going to do?"
The muggers all glanced at each other before turning to their small leader. The demon looked furious beyond belief and unless I was mistaken, he was beginning to shake with fury.
"Shoot this bast-"
Before the demon could finish his sentence there was a series of loud booms in such quick succession that it almost sounded like one big explosion. The noise bounced off the walls of the alley, amplifying the sound until it was almost deafening. Despite how loud the explosion was, it didn't drown out the screams. I watched as four arms flew through the air, all different but each one clutching a pistol in their hands.
I blinked in surprise as I watched the muggers clutch at the bleeding stumps where their arms had been. The armored demon's pistol was still trained on the muggers who were beginning to look up from their wounds. The demon then did something unexpected. It stepped to the side and motioned toward the alley entrance.
"Leave."
The muggers didn't hesitate as they ran for their afterlives as if dad himself was chasing them. Once they were gone the man flicked the safety on his pistol and gave it a quick twirl before holstering it on his hip. He turned his gaze back towards me and started walking closer and I began to relax, slumping in relief that I hadn't had to fight them, but somewhat sad they still got hurt even if they would heal.
"You alright miss?" he asked sounding concerned.
"Yeah, I'm alright. I just wish that hadn't happened."
"You sure? Because, well, your hand is on fire." He asked glancing down at my hand.
Looking at my hand it was in fact still on fire. With a flick of the wrist, I dispelled the magic and the flame went out in an instant. "Don't worry, it was just a minor spell." I said smiling at him.
"Spells…neat. So I'm guessing those guys were after the usual cash or ass?"
I sighed sadly at that. "Yeah, they wanted money that I didn't have on me. Thank you for helping me by the way. Not a lot of people would have done that."
"Ah don't mention it. I've done this song and dance so many times is almost second nature by now. Are you going to be alright?"
Nodding my head, I replied. "Yep! I only live about an hour from here and the only reason why those guys did that was because the club owner kicked me out the back where no one else could see us."
The man glanced at the door before nodding in understanding. Then he pulled out a hellphone and glanced at it before looking up at me and putting it away.
"Look, I have nowhere else to be right now so if you want, I could escort you home. Your own badass bodyguard, free of charge." He said puffing out his chest and putting his hands on his hips while pretending to look into the distance.
I laughed at how strange it was to see such an odd looking demon pose as if he were a superhero. Thinking about his offer, well there was a chance that he was just acting so he could figure out where I lived and rob my home, but that didn't seem right. He seemed like a nice man and there were not many demons who would have stepped in to help me with a mugging. Plus everyone knew I was the princess and where I lived, in fact the main problem had getting people to come to my home. What harm could it be?
Making my decision, I flashed him the kindest smile I could muster. "Alright then! Thank you for doing this mister…?" huh, I hadn't realized I hadn't gotten his name.
The demon gave an over theatrical bow. "Paul Harbinger at your service miss…?"
"My name is Charlie. It's nice to meet you Paul."
Yeah, I had a good feeling about this.
…-…
In one of the millions of back alleys of hell, two demons were walking a long amongst themselves. One was a black one-eyed octopus that was using several of it's long tentacles as legs to walk. The other was a tall but thin demon that looked as if a skeleton had grown a single thin layer of red skin while leaving his teeth exposed.
"I'm telling ya Sucker, the Beelze Bub's are going to make it to the playoffs this year. I'd put money on it." The skinned skeleton said with a harsh rattle to his voice.
"Are you fucking with me Chatter? Those junkies don't stand a chance, especially not without Maul. I heard he got ganked by an exterminator, got his head cut off. Nah I am betting on the Pitch Forkers." The octopus said.
"Those idiots?! They don't even know what a defense is you're tell…hey what is that?" Chatter asked while looking at something further down the alley.
Suckers just shrugged and they both continued on their way, getting closer to the object and were quite surprised when they recognized the body of their friend.
"Oh shit, it's Fang." Chatter said as they got closer.
They were wondering why the lizard man was just laying face down in the alley they used as a shortcut to get to their favorite bar. Turning him over, they got their answer when they saw Fang's own knife sticking out of his head.
"Oh, the pervert did something stupid again." Suckers said.
"Like that's new." Chatter shook his head while grabbing the knife's handle and ripped it out.
"Alright you cold blooded bastard, get up." Chatter said, only for Fang to lay there unmoving.
Chatter, getting more upset at his friend's lack of response slapped him in the face a few times, only to get more of the same. Chatter was about to escalate his methods when Suckers gasped.
"What's wrong?"
"Look at his eyes." Suckers said with worry.
Looking up, Chatter looked at fang's yellow eyes. They were dull, with no glow to be seen. That wasn't possible, all demon eyes glowed even if only a little. the only time that glow disappeared was when…they…died.
The two demons gave each other fearful looks before they started searching Fang's body for anymore wounds, the kind an angel weapon would make. Yet they found nothing save for the wound underneath his jaw. They dismissed that because there was no way Fang's old butterfly knife was secretly made from angelic metal. Not only was Fang too poor to afford it, he was also to stupid to have kept a secret like that, well secret.
When they finished examining their friend, they found nothing. No other wounds or anything that could be considered fatal. Nothing but a small knife wound. Both of the still living demons came to the same realization.
Someone had managed to kill a sinner without an angel blade.
…-…
Nothing much going on here. This was really just a way for Paul to get his bearing and to give him a reason to go to the hotel that felt natural. As for the warlord thing, it's like I wrote above. Every raider, mercenary or boss would wind up in hell, and considering hell is in some ways better than the wasteland? Well they wouldn't waste any time with moral arguments or pitying themselves before going back into their old habits.
Thank you for reading and please leave a review, it motivates me to write faster. Have a good day!