Ivy was in the midst of washing up animal bowls and medicine droppers in the back sink. I hadn't bothered to change from my school clothes to
work clothes like I usually did. I approached her sort of slowly, feeling awkward. And embarrassed.
Ivy looked up at me, and, without missing a beat, said, "Oh, Harlie, thank goodness. Will you get Petey out of the kennel and walk him? I haven't had
time this afternoon to do it."
Petey was Mrs. Crawford's Corgi. He is extremely overweight, and can't walk very fast. Ivy had been treating his ears for an outer ear infection.
I said okay, and went to let Petey out, snapping his leash on. I walked him slowly out back, taking my time.
When I looked up at one point, I saw Ivy. She was sitting in one of the two old chairs out back, sipping at a bottle of Coke. Eventually, there was
no putting off approaching her. Petey had done his business, and it would just be more awkward the longer I waited.
"Petey's going home today," Ivy said, as I came up to her.
"That's good," I said.
Ivy reached out and picked up another bottle of Coke that had been sitting on the ground next to her chair.
"I brought you out a Coke," she said, holding out the bottle.
I took the Coke, and she took Petey's leash from me, lifting him up onto her lap. Ivy held out a bottle opener to me, and I took that, too,
opening the pop bottle.
"Sit down and take a break," Ivy said.
I refrained from reminding her that I'd only just arrived, and all I'd done was walk Petey around. I didn't really need a break. Still, I didn't say anything. I
just sat down in the chair next to hers.
We sat and sipped our Cokes for a few moments of quiet.
"We don't have to talk about it," she said, after a bit. "I mean, it's fine if we don't."
"Thanks," I mumbled.
Ivy started talking other things. Like-how she was going to get a third horse to board. And, how she was puzzled by how one of the ranchers in the area
ran hot and cold towards her.
"Sometimes he's friendly as can be when I run into him, and then other times, he looks as though he wants to squash me like a bug,"
Ivy said.
I knew the man she was talking about. I wasn't too fond of him, myself.
"Yeah. He can be really cantankerous like that," I said. I hesitated, and then said, "I'm sorry, Ivy."
"You don't have to say anything to me, Harlie," Ivy said, quietly. I appreciated the fact that she reached over to touch my hand. And, I appreciated it
even more that she didn't leave it there for long. Just for a moment or so, and then she moved her own hand, and took another drink out of her Coke bottle.
"I feel like a failure," I said, and my voice caught on a suppressed sob.
"I've felt like a failure a few times myself," Ivy said.
"I don't know what to do," I said,
"Give yourself some time," Ivy advised. "You'll be back to your usual fighting self."
I shook my head in denial of that.
Ivy stood up. "How about I put Petey back inside, and we exercise the horses?" she suggested.
I bobbed my head in agreement, and finished my Coke, setting my empty bottle in the chair I'd been sitting in. I went to the barn and
began to saddle two of the horses. Ivy joined me and we went for a ride, thru the back fields connected to the vet clinic's property.
We didn't talk about anything much. I felt better while we were riding, but as soon as we returned to the barn, I felt the horrible feeling I'd had
all afternoon come back.
We unsaddled the horses and brushed them down, and went back into the back door of the clinic.
"I'll go check the telephone messages," Ivy said. "Will you finish washing up all the bowls and things in the back sink?"
I nodded, and Ivy left me to do it. I alternately washed dog bowls, and cried, my tears dripping into the soapy water. After awhile had gone by,
I heard voices from the front office filtering to the back where I was. Crane was back. I doggedly kept working at what I was doing, and then began drying
the bowls with one of the old work towels.
"Harlie. You ready to go?" Crane asked, from where he was standing in the door leading to the back.
"Yeah. In a minute," I said, and finished my task. I stacked the bowls, and folded the towel as though it made a difference how it was done.
Crane and Ivy had gone to stand outside the front door of the office, and I came out, closing the door behind me. Crane and Ivy had been talking, but
they paused as I came out.
"Grab your stuff out of the truck," Crane said, in reminder.
Since I'd walked out of the school building with no books or anything else, I didn't need to grab anything. I opened the driver's door and
rolled up my window, and then pocketed the key that I'd left in the ignition. When I turned back towards the two of them, they were both looking
at me. Of course.
Crane had a questioning look on his face. But, all he said right then was a goodbye to Ivy, saying he would call her later, and he headed towards
the Jeep. Ivy gave me a look, too.
"See you tomorrow, right?" she asked. I met her eyes and sensed that she was making certain I would be back on the next day.
"I guess," I said, and then, I felt bad for her. It wasn't her fault.
"I mean-yeah, I'll be here tomorrow," I amended my answer.
"Good," Ivy said, simply.
7
We'd ridden a good ways thru Murphys before Crane broke the silence that existed.
It would be hard to hear over the wind as we drove along, but Crane chose the stop sign at the edge of town to speak.
"Where's your book bag and homework?" he asked me.
"I didn't bring anything," I said, keeping my eyes on the buildings to my right, and not on him.
"I see that. Why not?"
I shrugged, still not looking at him.
"So you think not bringing homework is any kind of answer?" he asked, and I heard an edge to his tone.
"I don't think it's an answer, exactly," I said. "I was upset. So I didn't bring anything home."
After that, Crane didn't say anything. Not anything. Nothing at all. We were nearly home, the ranch just a couple miles away, when I
finally quit looking out the window and at him.
"You're real mad at me, huh?" I said.
Crane kept his eyes on the road ahead. He didn't say anything, he just sort of gave a shake of his head. But, it wasn't the sort of head-shake
that denied his being mad at me. It was more of an "I'm exasperated" type of head-shake.
When we pulled up and he'd parked in the usual spot reserved for the Jeep, he turned the motor off. I could see Evan in the distance on horseback,
and then could see him being joined by another rider. I thought Brian, by the hat and the way that he sat in the saddle.
I started to open the door to get out of the Jeep, but paused when Crane said, "Hold on."
I looked at him. Not directly in his eyes. But at least at him.
"Let's talk for a couple of minutes," Crane said.
"You said we didn't have to, yet," I reminded him.
"Well, I've changed my mind," he said. "This is just going to fester if we don't-"
"Fester," I interrupted, drawing out the word.
"Yeah. Fester. You know what that means."
"Yeah. I know," I said.
"You knew the expectations going into this whole thing, Harlie," Crane said. "You agreed to them."
I blew out a loud sigh. "Yep. I did."
"It's a hard lesson," he said, then.
"A hard lesson for a dismal failure," I said, feeling despondent. And sounding it.
"No such a thing. Failing at something does not make you a failure. They're two different things."
I shrugged. I didn't want to listen to a lecture. And, even though he was being nice enough, it was a lecture. Plain and simple.
"It feels like the same thing," I said, in a low mutter.
"And it might feel like that right now. But, that will pass. You'll pick yourself up and get on with things."
I doubted that. Not only did I doubt it, but I had no desire to 'get on with things.' I wanted to be left alone to wallow in my feelings.
I didn't tell him that, though. If I had, I would never get out of that Jeep to escape.
Instead, I lifted my shoulders in another light shrug of my shoulders. "Can I go do my chores?"
"Your grades need to be gotten up. Nothing's changed on that part of things, Harlie," Crane said, instead of answering me about my chores.
"I was doing good. I would have been fine, and gotten them up," I said. "Mr. Best didn't have to kick me out of the program." I hadn't realized that besides being
upset and sad, I was also angry as hell.
"It's not his fault," Crane said, immediately, and now he sounded harsh. "Pete had very little to do with this. It's the committee that makes the
rules for the work program. It's an agreement between them and the school and parents, and the kids, too."
I fastened my eyes on Evan, as he and Brian rode towards the barns.
"You know that. Don't act as though you don't," Crane said.
"Okay. I won't," I said.
Adam came to the open door of the barn. He was shoving his fencing gloves into his back pocket, and just looking out at us.
I figured he could tell that Crane was handing out a lecture, or whatever, and he didn't want to cut in. I fastened my eyes on Adam's face, and
I could tell he was concerned. My eyes filled with fresh tears. Adam began walking slowly over towards us, where we were sitting in the
Jeep.
Crane sighed again, and got out of the Jeep. I stayed where I was, sitting in the passenger seat.
I waited, not sure what the two of them were going to say to one another. I knew Adam knew about everything, and I wasn't certain if he was going to
start repeating what Crane had said, or if Crane was going to tell him how I was acting. Because I knew I was being a pill. But, neither of those
things happened right then.
Crane, standing beside the Jeep now, said, quietly, "Harlie's feeling pretty rough."
Adam nodded a bit. "Mmm," he said, in acknowledgement of what I'd said. Which I didn't really know what that meant.
"I've got a couple things I need to do," Crane said, to Adam, I guessed, and Adam said, "Sure. Go ahead on."
So Crane looked at me, where I still sat, and said, "I'll see you after a bit, alright?"
"Okay," I said, low.
Crane left then, walking towards the house, and I risked a glance up at Adam. He'd moved to stand just beside the passenger door.
His face was serious, though I didn't feel like I saw any censure in it.
The tears that had been gathering in my eyes started running. "I messed up so bad, Adam!" I burst out.
Instead of telling me that I hadn't messed up, or some other pacifying comment, Adam was quiet for a long moment, and then
said, "Yeah. You did."
I started to cry full on then, and I felt Adam put a hand at the base of my neck in a comforting gesture.
He stood like that for a few moments, and then said, quietly, "How about you get out of the Jeep?"
I rubbed at my wet cheek with my palm, and sighed, and then I did get out.
"Are you mad at me, too?" I asked, sort of plaintively, looking up into his face. "Like Crane is?"
"I don't think Crane's mad at you, Harlie."
"He is," I insisted.
"I think he's very concerned. Just like I am. Not angry."
And then, Adam pulled me closer, and wrapped his arms around me, so completely that I had the sudden thought that I
was like a burrito, all wrapped in a tortilla. For some reason, that made me feel better, and yet cry harder at the same time.
7