Better the Devil You Know

Tyson feels strange when he gets back from the club, no longer buoyant and bubbly, more somber and grim-faced. He can't stop thinking about his past relationships tonight.

He cracks open the beer he'd brought with him to the dorm and takes a swig, glancing at the empty beds in the room. Max had gone home with someone from the club leaving the space all to Tyson.

And the ghosts of his past.

The grubby, chubby cheeked, too-loud boy who had to bribe other kids into being friends with him, whom all the girls found annoying and boastful except for the one. He and Hilary weren't always so sweet to each other however. They used to fight a lot back in the day, back when they were still in middle school. Then when they started developing more complex emotions and Tyson's brain no longer resembled that of an ape's they learned softness and consideration for each other.

And for the people around them.

Tyson shot up a good few inches off the ground for him to be considered tall and his friends started appreciating him for his company and when Emily transferred to their high school he was the first to befriend her. He helped her with fitting in and she helped him with schoolwork. Too many Thursdays spent together in his small bedroom laughing and teasing led to a kiss (initiated by Emily of course, Tyson still thought he came off as repulsive to all girls.) And that led to more kisses and hugs and a confession with bright red cheeks from Tyson. Emily had him in a hug before he could get all the words out.

His first girlfriend. His first love. He brought her gifts everyday without fail. Chocolates, flowers, keychains. Small gestures but he treasured her and he made sure she felt the depth of his love. Weekends in front of books, Sundays on couches watching movies, baking cupcakes, muffins, blueberry pancakes.

Lots of flour and lots of laughter and so so much love.

Or so he'd thought.

He never saw it coming. That evening in his bedroom, Emily holding his hand and telling him before it got too far. Before the error she committed got too grave, before the damage inflicted was too deep to be undone.

She was in tears, near inconsolable. How could he tell her the damage was already irreversible? How could he make her cry more than she already was? He couldn't fault her for it. She must have been agonising over it for months.

He told her it was okay. These things happen. They were kids. They were bound to fall in love like the wind changes directions. He dried her tears. When she left the room he felt a part of him leave with her. He couldn't imagine a life without her and he had drawn a future together for them. One she never knew about and will never share with him.

He'd approached her weeks later, with a heart painstakingly sewn together by Hilary and the rest of his friends, and successfully rekindled their friendship. Tension plagued his relationship with Michael for months afterward, his mind automatically drawing comparisons between himself and his friend that he lost his first girlfriend to, and got worse when he and Emily started dating about six months later.

But eventually, with time and many deep conversations, their relationships recovered. His heart healed.

And then came Mariah. A six month rollercoaster and another heartbreak at the end of it.

He wonders if he has truly healed from that. And how long it will take for him to feel a strong attraction, strong emotions towards someone again. If he'll ever find someone who loves him back.

He can't imagine another heartbreak but he knows it's inevitable. A consequence of being alive and falling in love. He hopes he doesn't grow cold, close his heart off. He hopes he doesn't grow bitter. He hopes he doesn't give up.

But it's hard.

And it's hard to keep himself from thinking he's unlovable. Thinking he'll forever be the second choice, the safer choice. Never anyone's first choice. But he tries. He tries his hardest to ignore those voices in his head.

It sort of works.

Tyson dozes off leaning against his bed, the nearly empty beer bottle beside him. It feels like he'd just blinked before his alarm goes off.

'OBSTACLE RUN' flashes on the screen in capital letters.

He groans as he drags himself up off the floor cursing the entire Hiwatari blood line.

It's chilly. He huddles in his hoodie, but there's nothing to be done about his exposed legs beneath the knee-length shorts. He shifts his weight from foot to foot and decides to make conversation to warm himself up. Talking to Kai never fails to get his blood boiling after all.

Speaking of, they're kind of similarly dressed. Hoodies, shorts. Kai's are black and grey. Tyson's maroon and navy blue. It's a marathon so everyone's kind of dressed the same but it's still weird to match wardrobes with Kai.

He's pulled the hood over his head against the chill, staring at some spot on the hill before them, waiting for the race to start.

They're going to be conquering obstacles in the woods. It's kind of exciting. He's looking forward to it all of a sudden.

If only he had a better partner. Or none at all…

"I saw you at the Revve last night," blurts Tyson. "You were with someone."

He feels the moment Kai's attention falls on him. A tilt of his chin in his direction. His face warms when his gaze settles on the side of it as Tyson stares straight ahead.

"Thank you for telling me what I was doing last night. Clearly I need to be informed of my own actions," comes Kai's bland reply.

He suppresses the urge to roll his eyes. "I just thought I'd point it out. I haven't seen you like that in a while."

"See me like what?"

"Hooking up with girls."

"I fail to see how any of that is your business."

"It isn't," Tyson looks at him. "You're right, it isn't." He can't remember why he brought it up. For a reaction may be? He's still not quite sure what he was looking for and if he got it. "I have a headache."

They fall back into silence. Someone's reading out the rules. Safety instructions. The duration of the race is 10 hours. Damn.

"Fuck" he hears Kai quietly curse and Tyson's in agreement for once because there's no way they can tolerate each other for that long. But then he turns to him with a pained expression, like it's killing him to even say it out loud, "Please don't tell me you're…" he trails off, expecting Tyson to get it and Tyson gets it instantly because he knows what him bringing up Kai kissing another person looks like. Jealousy.

"Oh ew, no," he says immediately, taking a physical step back. "Absolutely not. I'll die first."

He can't even imagine it. A violent shudder goes through him at the mere prospect of it. Having feelings for Kai and getting jealous over him? God forbid. May he be stricken down right where he stands if he ever lost his mind like that.

He can't imagine a worse fate for himself.

Tyson puts his hands together and sends a prayer up real quick.

"Good to know," says Kai, sounding slightly relieved and adds: "Likewise"

Oh yeah. A worse fate than falling in love with Kai would be having Kai fall in love with him.

Dear god in heaven, if you can hear me, please never decree such a fate upon me (he can't say 'or my friends' anymore because it's too late for Hilary. RIP.) or the person standing beside me. Amen.

The race starts.

The wall climbs are cool. Four feet, five feet, 7 feet. It's alright. He manages.

The terrain is tricky. It must have rained last night because mud is everywhere, slowing them down. He has to watch his step because it's easy to slip and injure himself nastily somewhere.

He hops from rock to rock, avoiding the mud as much as he can. Raindrops patter on his head from the lush green leaves above when Kai takes hold of a branch in support to leap across a tiny pond.

The race is great so far. There were more people around when it had just started but then they all got scattered as each obstacle put up a fight. He thinks they're making good time.

Their pace is fast.

The minimal talking is helping.

Kai stops when a body of water comes up in front of them. It's large. Going around it will take a lot of time.

He pulls out a water bottle from his backpack and unstoppers it, taking a sip. That reminds Tyson, he is thirsty.

"We'll have to go through it," says Tyson, putting the cap back on his bottle after drinking from it.

"We'll have to swim," says Kai, then he sets his bag down and unzips his hoodie. Tyson gets to stripping out of his own clothes and stuffs everything in his backpack.

Kai hoists his over his shoulder as he carefully dips a toe into the water and begins wading in. The water reaches up to waist around one third of the way in. "It's not that bad," he says, pulling his hair away from his forehead and looking at Tyson. "We can pass through."

"Okay" Tyson carries his backpack above his head, entering the slow-moving river. He feels little stones and weeds and unknown prickly things as his feet touches the riverbed. When he looks behind him he's a good way out from the bank and up ahead he sees Kai's naked back and shoulders, carefully making it to the other side.

Tyson doesn't have a fear of water but he has a slight fear of natural bodies of water. Like seas and rivers and ponds. Who knows what might sting him in here (and crawl through his feet into his bloodstream and kill him)?

About halfway in, the water comes up to his chin. He gets splashed a lot in the face but he makes it. He's dripping wet by the time he reaches the other side where Kai is already towelling down.

"Have you done this before?" asks Tyson, teeth chattering because it's cold. He thinks it's some time around noon but in the thick of the forest the weak sunlight isn't doing much warming.

Tyson asks the question because Kai seems at ease.

"Yes" he says, stepping out of wet underwear with the towel wrapped around his waist (thank god). "I like it."

"Was it in the forest the last time too?" He keeps up the conversation as he turns around and dries himself, dressing in warm clothes.

Because he has a mouth thing. A silence thing. He can't keep quiet for long. It freaks him out.

"No. It was in a mountain range. More rocky. Less grassy."

"Oh"

"It was more dangerous too. This time it's…wetter I guess." He hikes his backpack onto his shoulder, ready to go.

Tyson quickly stuffs his things into his bag and follows Kai.

They've crossed around ten obstacles so far so they're nearing the halfway mark.

The next few obstacles are more strength focused. Specifically targeting the upper body muscles. It's harder for Tyson. It takes a lot out of him to keep up with Kai.

There are sandbag carries and rope pulling back to back. Then a z wall, a ring jump and a salmon ladder. All back to back. Tyson's arms are killing him by the time he's on the second rung of the salmon ladder. He's just about ready to give up.

He pants. Kai's waiting below, watching him with hands on his hips and he feels like he's being punished. Tortured really. Kai's his jailer. Words of encouragement might be good right now but all he's getting from his so called teammate is a criticising scowl. Like why can't this boy cross a damn salmon ladder? Like it's the easiest thing in the world to cross after spending all his power on the other challenging obstacles that came before this.

His fingers are sweaty. His arms are slick with sweat. He's drenched in sweat from head to toe. And his arms are screaming in pain. He's basically dying.

He shakes his head. "I can't do this," he admits.

"We can take a breather after this," Kai says at last, something that sounds like encouragement.

Absolutely not.

He shakes his head again. "I'm going to drop."

"Don't drop. You can't drop. It's just two more jumps left. You can do it."

Oh it's an encouragement. He's actually encouraging him but he still feels like he's being punished.

"Please"

"There isn't another sequence like this in the rest of the race. This is the hardest part. Once you're done with it, it's over. You won't have to go through this again. Just two more jumps. Granger."

He's going to start crying. He takes a breath, gathers the last of whatever he has in his arms that feel like they're being torn apart and braces against the rod before using his ab muscles and his upper back muscles to move up to the second last rung.

He lets out a cry as he sticks it.

"Last one"

He thinks he sees some divine entity as he crosses that last rung. White light and everything flashing before him.

He whimpers as he drops on the ground and cradles his arms protectively. He can't remember why he just did that to himself. Stubbornness? Stupidity? His inability to ever give up no matter how hard the situation might be? His lack of a self preservation instinct?

Not wanting to give up despite how debilitating the after effects might be? What is his problem exactly?

He thinks he hums to himself, resting on the forest floor with his eyes closed for a suspended moment in time.

The last time he fell into a trance like this was when he was sitting in Kai's lap. He would like to kill him now.

He opens his eyes a crack to see what Kai's up to and sees a thoughtful look on his face as he rests on a piece of log. And then he glances up, Tyson's way and Tyson must be seeing things because he thinks he sees a look of awe and wonderment on his face before he glances away. Towards some tree stub.

Now what reason would Kai have to look wowed by Tyson? None. Exactly. He was hallucinating.

Tyson sits up after what seems like hours to him but was apparently just five minutes. If the keychain clock on his backpack is to be believed.

They continue trekking up the woods. The rest of the course is comparatively much much much easier. Smooth sailing even, he would say. So Kai didn't lie. For once. Just a couple more obstacles and they're home free!

He's in high spirits as he approaches the twenty eighth obstacle. It's silly. They have to push a baseball across a small muddy pond using a hockey stick. The pond is very dirty however. There is no water. Just..dark black and disgusting gooey looking mud.

It might not even be mud. But whatever. He's been through worse. Kai's suspicious unlike Tyson and so he stops to read the board stuck into the ground next to the pond because the obstacle seems too easy.

Tyson is in no mood to wait for him and is running out of patience. He's also hungry. He takes the hockey stick and wades into the nasty pond, pushing the baseball through it. Wait, it's harder than it looks. The ball doesn't move easily through the mud blocking it. He has to push quite hard to break through.

Kai says something behind him but he's not paying attention. Focused on getting across as quickly as he can. Then the ball gets well and truly stuck against something in the mud. He kicks at it. He might be getting a little angry. He's so tired.

He gives one big push to the baseball. The mud gives but so does the ground under his feet. It just moves. Slides away from him and he falls into this nasty gooey black pool.

Completely drowns in it for a minute.

He gasps for air as he pulls his head out from the goo.

He hears Kai's annoying voice say, "I literally warned you."

"Oh you warned me?" Tyson snaps sarcastically.

He wipes the mud out of his eyes and spots something on his hand. On the mud that he just removed from his face.

White. Soft-bodied. Curling.

Maggots?

He screams. He splashes, jerking violently as he tries to get out of the stinking pond. A hand grips his and gives him the leverage he needs to pull himself out.

"Help me!" he screams, eyes closed once he's on his feet. "Get it off me!" Because it's everywhere. He can feel them writhing all over his body. "Please please please, help me. I'm begging you."

Please please please, he chants as violent shudders take over his body.

"Stay still" says Kai, voice soft but stern.

Tyson tries to as best as he can, whimpering again. He can't stop the trembles though. He has a fear. An extreme irrational fear of maggots. Worms. Caterpillars.

Scoleciphobia. Lepidopterophobia.

He feels soft fabric lightly brushing over his face first, moving the dirt from his eyes, cheeks, mouth. Hands combing through his hair. Helping him out of his shirt.

Later all he remembers of those few terrifying moments were the intense fear he felt (fear of maggots, fear he wound be abandoned with them, left to deal with all on his own), the smell, and the gratitude that Kai didn't leave him behind, didn't laugh at him, didn't film videos to use against him later, but instead stayed and helped.

He said a few words to him here and there, but he moved briskly, with deft fingers, quickly removing the maggots off of him and the mud as much as he can. Led Tyson to a stream of water so he could wash himself properly and made a fire so they could be warm.

"Thank you" says Tyson, wrapped in his hoodie, clothed in the second set of clothes he'd brought with him just in case. The trembling has only ceased now, it had gone on for more than a half hour. His body grows warm again with the help of the fire before him.

Kai who has been mostly silent till now, says, "I owed you one." Gaze steady on the flickering flames. Tyson eats the burger in his hand. He'd packed it as snack for himself that morning. Kai eats the sandwich he brought.

"You can take a nap if you want," Kai says when he sees Tyson nodding off, struggling to stay awake after some food reached his stomach. He's warm, and full and even the wooden log he's sitting on feels comfortable.

"What about the race?" he asks, drifting off already, despite his best attempts to do otherwise.

"We have a lot of time left."

They were probably the fastest. They could still win if Tyson just got his ass up and finished the last two obstacles. He falls asleep.

When he wakes the sky is dark. He sits up groggily and whirls around in a panic only to calm down immediately when he sees a slouched figure next to him.

"Kai" he calls him with a tap on his shoulder and he comes to with a slight start.

"We fell asleep," explains Tyson. "The race must be long over. Shit, I'm sorry."

Kai stretches his arms high above his head and yawns. "We made it through the worst of it. That's all I was in it for. Are you pissed you couldn't complete it?"

"No. I…I don't really care." He sits up properly on the log and glances at the dying fire. "It's still burning."

Kai gets up, and starts gathering a bunch of twigs and dried leaves from nearby to feed it so it grows bigger again.

He still doesn't feel like moving. His body needs more rest. If he were at the dorm he would have slept a whole day and then some.

As he stares at the rekindling flames he feels words bubbling up his throat again. Gratitude in his chest again. Kai had helped him and on top of that refrained from making jokes about it or mocking him for it. He feels like he owes him an explanation in exchange for the consideration he had shown Tyson.

"I have a phobia," he says as Kai comes back with some more leaves and throws them in the fire, making it blaze fiercely. His voice is quiet, it's almost smothered by the roar of the fire as he speaks but Tyson figures if Kai wants to listen then he is loud enough for him to hear. "Like a crazy fear of caterpillars. Maggots aren't technically dangerous I guess but they're still pretty big and they scare the hell out of me."

Work done, Kai takes a seat on the other log. Tyson continues. "When I was a kid I fell in this bush at my friend's grandpa's house and there were poisonous caterpillars in there that gave me these really painful and itchy rashes. I had a horrible fever and nausea for like a week after." He hikes up his left pant leg where there's a 3 inch-long scar as wide as his thumb on the side of his calf. "This scar is from one of the stings. It took weeks to heal so whenever I see a caterpillar or even a worm I kind of lose it."

He has no idea why he's trusting his enemy with this information when it can easily be used to torture the living daylights out of him but for some reason, he trusts him with it.

Most of what he can recall from that bout of phobia earlier are the gentle hands he felt on his skin. Not the crawling sensation. But the brush of soft fabric and even softer fingers.

He can't get over the feeling of relief he felt in the midst of those terror-filled moments.

And he has Kai to thank for that.

Kai looks at the scar on his leg. Tyson looks too and smooths his fingers over it before covering it up again.

There's silence and Tyson wonders if he'd said too much.

"Julia has a fear of spiders," says Kai a beat after that thought crosses his mind. Surprising Tyson. "When she first moved here we had a party in the garden and a spider crawled up her dress. She screamed the whole place down. Spilled all the wine. Made everyone think a serial killer was running loose among them."

Tyson laughs before he can stop himself. Kai has a real smile on his face as he recalls the memory.

"It's why we're so strict about pest control in the house," says Kai. Kai had verbally ripped the skin off Tyson's back for forgetting to call the pest control guys on time once. He can't believe that this was why.

"That's the reason?" asks Tyson with a laugh. "I thought you were just anal."

"It's all for Julia."

"God, you nearly tore my ear off that one time I forgot." He cups his poor ear.

Kai grows quiet, the smile wiping off his face. He looks at the fire, mouth a thin line. If Tyson didn't know better he'd think it was regret that sat on his features. But he knows better. It's probably something else.

Probably some bad memory of his own.

"I'm sorry" says Kai. Or his voice. Tyson's so shocked, in so much disbelief he whips his head around to look at Kai and glances at his mouth, wondering if it had actually moved. He has to be tripping.

"For?" he asks to make sure.

And to his utter shock Kai says, "For verbally flaying you like that. And for accusing you of taking the epipens."

Tyson stills, holding his breath. Kai meets his gaze and Tyson wonders if he is looking at a clone. Someone killed the real one and stuck him in a hole in the ground and replaced him with a duplicate. There's no way he isn't looking at a more empathetic clone of him.

Kai's eyes are searching Tyson's face for a reaction. He doesn't look like he's going to drop the other shoe though. More like he's cautious, bracing for Tyson to tell him it's not enough and that if he's going to start apologising then he has a lot to apologise and make amends for.

A lot.

Tyson wants to say all those things but he doesn't. Not wanting to start another fight at the moment. They're in the middle of the woods. He could get murdered and buried in a place where no one will ever find him if he's not careful.

And also because he figures something's better than nothing. It's a start, he guesses. Of what? He's not sure. More apologies? A better Kai? Not sure. But there's a person there who regrets and apologizes. And Kai's deliberately showing that side of himself to Tyson.

"You saved my mother's life," Kai says as an explanation, guessing Tyson's thoughts. Probably not too hard because he's sure he looks as shocked as he feels. "I'm grateful for that."

Oh.

So that's why. That's why he's being nice.

"Well, I'm grateful you saved me from the pond back there so consider it even," says Tyson.

Tyson checks his phone. No signal. He remembers that about the rules before the race started. No cellphone usage. They were each provided with a flare in case of an emergency. "Are we stuck here for the night?"

"Depends," says Kai, on his feet looking out into the distance. "Do you feel like braving the woods?"

He thinks about it. Walking through the forest at night. It was hard enough with plenty of sun in the day. He doesn't think he can do it in the dark with just a flashlight. He's not that brave. Also, it's already past eight. "No," he says. "My whole body is sore. If we came across something I probably couldn't fight it."

Kai lets out a snort so hard it's almost a laugh.

"I have a tent," he says.

"I have a sleeping bag," recalls Tyson.

But a tent? What if it's small? Will they have to sleep together? He doesn't want to do that. Somehow literally sleeping next to him is worse than having sex with him.

If the tent is small Tyson will sleep outside, next to the fire. It's decided.

Kai cants his head. "We can make do." He gives Tyson a sidelong glance, a cautious touch of humour entering his eyes. "So long as you promise not to kill me in my sleep."

Tyson gives him a small smile. "Truce for one night?" He extends the offer of peace because it's necessary for his survival.

In a better condition he could have taken on the woods but not like this. Not when he feels so weak. Like a bundle of aching bones and liquified muscles.

So he makes the offer for his own sake. Better the devil he knows than the one he doesn't.

"A truce?" asks Kai.

"Only till the sun comes up," says Tyson.

Kai holds his gaze for a breathless moment and then he nods.

"I'm kind of hungry again."

Kai takes a sandwich out of his backpack and holds it out to Tyson.

"Oh no, I can't. It's yours."

"I'm fine," Kai dismisses his concern, pushing the sandwich toward him.

"We'll split it," says Tyson. "It's big enough."

He splits it in half, as equally as he can and they share the sandwich.

This truce is nice. Peace is nice. He would have had to go to bed with an empty stomach otherwise.

They share their water too.

The tent is small but the sleeping bag is super comfortable. He is snug. He is sleepy. He yawns and settles in next to the fire after telling Kai he doesn't mind sleeping out in the open.

Kai is sleeping in the tent. Safely.

Tyson closes his eyes for five whole minutes before he starts paying attention to the sounds around him. The forest is alive. The birds may have gone to bed but there are definitely other animals roaming about.

Ones that don't make cute sounds.

The chirping of crickets and other insects is incessant. It's getting on his nerves. They're also blocking him from properly catching more ominous sounds from deadlier animals.

He hears a distant howl. He can't tell which direction it came from. North? South?

Are there wolves out here?

It could be a dog but what if the dog is rabid? And dog howls don't sound like that. He's sure…

That was definitely a wolf.

Tyson hugs the sleeping bag tighter around himself and tries to disappear into it as much as he can.

Kai's in the tent. Just a few feet away so if something happens he could just scream.

And Kai would come and fight off a wolf for him? Why would he do that?

What if the wolf just bites his face off before he's able to scream? It's his face that's out in the open after all. That will be the first target.

Oh no

He realises he's just freaking himself out. There are no wolves and if there are why would they come this way? The fire would keep all wild animals away from him.

He needs to shut his brain off and sleep.

He turns in his bag and tries to sleep on his side like usual. He hears a rustle of leaves behind him.

It's nothing, he tells himself.

A few seconds later it happens again. Closer this time.

It's nothing. Just the wind.

Rustle. Closer.

Rustle. Even closer.

He sits up and turns around with a branch of fire held in his hand, swinging it wildly in the air.

When he calms he realizes there's nothing there.

Certainly nothing big.

Just some small insect.

Fuck it.

He can't do this all night.

Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

He drags his sleeping bag inside the tent, spots Kai whose dead to the world, lying on his side. Tyson breathes out in relief since he doesn't have to face him right now and zips the tent up real nice. He stretches out beside Kai, and goes to sleep.

Out like a light in less than five minutes.