The Noble Sacrifice

by Demented Insane Spirit

A two-week detention their fifth year starts the beginning of a secret relationship that neither Lily nor Sirius were expecting from their brief association with each other. And for Sirius, no matter how much he tries to do the right thing, he can't seem to let her go, not at school and not even in the midst of a wizarding war. Slight canon-divergence. (Sirius/Lily/James)

1. Prologue, Chapter One

A/N: This is a bit of a passion project that I starting writing after re-reading the books around COVID. It developed entirely out of the argument between Snape and Sirius in OotP where I started to think that there had to be more than simple school boy rivalry between them - thus, the plot device for this story! There are a few warnings I want to throw out here, so that people are aware:

One, this prologue and first part was rewritten in 2024 from when it was originally posted in 2022. The further along I got in the story, the more feedback I got about some of the character interactions and as I thought about it more, I realized that the development I was going for between James, Sirius, and Lily was wildly OOC, so I decided to edit it completely. As a result, there's an entirely different back story for them during the First Wizarding War.

Two, I think this is generally considered a canon-divergent A/U. I know that some of the dates and ages aren't accurate to canon. When I first started writing, there was a mixture of information on the dates and ages, fanon vs canon, so I just went with what I thought made sense. As a result, they're probably diverging from the canon slightly and I'm fine with that. I got blasted for this on AO3 when I originally cross-posted this story and it just got tiring explaining to people why I have the dates and ages as I do, so now I'm just putting it up here that it's A/U, even though it's not what I would personally consider a true A/U in fanfiction.

And third, the majority of this story takes place while the Marauders and Lily are in Hogwarts, with very little time spent on the First Wizarding War (only the last quarter of the story). This is my attempt at a realistic take on Sirius/Lily and James/Lily, while also exploring some more depth to Sirius's character that JKR wasn't really given an opportunity to showcase. At times, Sirius comes off as very morally grey, which I know isn't how most people write him in fanfiction, but is how I read him in the source material, especially in OotP. To me, it explains his character better and why, even in the books, he tends to clash with other characters.

So, with all those warnings out of the way, I hope you all enjoy the story!

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A two-week detention their fifth year starts the beginning of a secret relationship that neither Lily nor Sirius were expecting from their brief association with each other. And for Sirius, no matter how much he tries to do the right thing, he can't seem to let her go, not at school and not even in the midst of a wizarding war. Slight canon-divergence.

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Prologue

(Fall, 2000)

It had been three years since the end of the Second Wizarding War and Harry Potter, newly married and beginning his first year as an Auror, had finally taken the time to resolve the last bit of unfinished business with his personal affairs. After finishing his last year of Hogwarts belatedly with Ron and Hermione, sitting for their N.E.W.T.s a year later than most students, the three of them had been a bit behind as far as their personal lives. During his first year as a trainee Auror, he had spent the majority of his time at Grimmauld Place with Kreacher, who had fled the Death Eaters when they had searched the Black home. He had expected them to trash the place, but after finding them missing, they had left it as it had been – aging, decrepit, and a little dirty outside the kitchen and dining area. With Kreacher's help, the house had been restored to its old glory, though because it was so vast, Harry had often felt a little uncomfortable in the mansion. Nonetheless, it was close to the Ministry of Magic, had been convenient, and it was hard to justify paying for a flat when his godfather had left him an entire house to himself.

The last bit of business that he was now attending was visiting Sirius Black's vault in Gringotts. He knew that the goblins could automatically transfer the money to his own vault that he had inherited from his parents, but something had prevented him from doing so. The idea of using his godfather's money for anything had irked him, especially after he had discovered a third vault left to him. It was this third inheritance that he had recently discovered that had forced him to go to Gringotts. It seemed the goblins were still catching up on notifying wizards of their inheritances, what with their operations being mostly frozen during the Second Wizarding War. He would not be surprised to find himself receiving more notices from them sometime down the road. He was quite tiring of receiving Gringotts and Ministry of Magic paperwork.

"Blimey," Ron said with a touch of awe outside Gringotts as they waited for Hermione to arrive. "Snape left you his own inheritance?"

Harry grimaced slightly. "Not exactly...," he admitted and handed him the will that he had received from the Department of Wizarding Rites and Testaments as Hermione hurried up to them, her hair looking frizzier than ever and appearing somewhat harried.

"What's this?" she asked breathlessly, peering over Ron's shoulder.

Harry said nothing, looking away as the pair read through the will, hunching his shoulders against the cool wind. The Ministry official had explained that it had taken so long to get to him because the contents of the vault had to be examined since Snape had been a confirmed Death Eater. Harry should have expected that much, but he never would have thought that he would be left anything by Snape. After reading the will, he had realized quickly that it had not been left to him and the will had never been updated – not since the year after Snape had graduated Hogwarts, in fact.

"Oh, my...," Hermione whispered, looking up to Harry with a stricken expression. "Harry..."

"He left it all to your mum?" Ron asked incredulously.

"Yeah," Harry answered, "so it automatically went to me. Funny how that works out, isn't it?" He could still recall the flash of Snape's memories and seeing Snape crying like a wounded animal in Dumbledore's office after he had learned of his mother's death.

Neither of them said anything, which suited him fine. The convoluted nature of Snape's affection for Lily had lasted for years, well past his teenage years, and into adulthood. Instead, he led the way into Gringotts and presented the two keys to the goblin. Harry felt the curious stares on him and could not help but share a wry smile with the other two, recalling the last time he had been to Gringotts. He had not needed to come here since their wild escape through the deeper levels on the back of a dragon.

The three zoomed through the vast tunnels and caverns of Gringotts, arriving at Snape's vault first. It was a small, humble vault. There were piles of money that Harry asked for the goblin to transfer to his own vault. He did not have quite the same attachment to Snape and disturbing his possessions the way he did about his godfather. However, as the goblin performed the magic necessary to empty the money, Harry spotted what appeared to be a wooden box in the back corner. As Hermione and Ron lingered outside, Harry made his way to the box and picked it up, turning it over in his hands. It was no bigger than his torso and when he shook it, it made no noise.

"Would you like that transferred to your vault, as well?" the goblin asked him from his side.

"No," Harry said. "I'll take this with me. Let's go to the other vault."

Harry followed the goblin out and as they left, the goblin raised a hand and the lock miraculously disappeared. When Harry stared at him, the goblin bared his sharp teeth in a parody of a grin. "When a vault changes hands and is emptied, we remove the locks for the next witch or wizard."

"I see."

"What's that?" Ron asked as they got back into the cart.

"Dunno," Harry answered with a shrug. "It was in the back of the vault. Doesn't sound like anything when I shake it, but figured it's got to be something since Snape locked it up."

There was no more time for conversation, though, as the cart started forward and whirled deeper down into the caverns of Gringotts. Downward they flew, into the high-security vaults where Harry knew the pureblood family vaults must lie. He had always wondered what the Black family vault must look like, as Sirius surely would have inherited the entirety of the Black family inheritance – not that he had ever seemed thrilled by this in life.

Once they arrived at the vault, there were multiple locks on the Black family vault that the goblin took time unlocking. When it unlocked, Harry felt his stomach sink a tad. As he had expected, the vault was filled with mounds of gold, precious jewels, and what looked like ancient artifacts. He heard Ron's sharp intake of breath behind him and partially wished he had not asked them to accompany him. He knew that Ron would become bitter upon looking at the gold in the vault, but steeled himself against the possibility of his moodiness later in the day. He had needed their support in finishing this last bit in his affairs and, regardless of gold or artifacts, he was thankful they had come with him.

The three of them wandered the massive vault, splitting up. In spite of his feelings towards the Black family, he would not close out their vault and transfer the gold to his own. He could not justify it, even though the Black line had now died out. Gazing around, he poked at artifacts and then came upon a chest that had the initials carved into the front "S.B." He smiled, recognizing the handwriting and moved to the chest, pulling it open. Inside were stacks of photographs, old essays, and letters. He dug around in it, smiling at seeing the familiar faces of his father, Lupin, and Sirius.

He paused, noticing a photograph that he had not been expecting. It was a photo of Lily, but she was alone and smiling into the camera, appearing embarrassed. She was school age, no older than sixteen, and was in dress robes. She rubbed her arm awkwardly and then Sirius came into the frame from what looked like behind the camera. He scooped her against his side and flashed his dazzling, handsome smile while she laughed.

Puzzled, Harry flipped through, but could not find any photo with this one that had the others. This appeared to be a party only Lily and Sirius had attended.

Setting this photo aside with the others, he began to sort through the letters, skimming them idly. There were multiple letters from James, and some old notes with conversations between him and the Marauders that Sirius had kept from classes amongst the miscellaneous items. There was a pile of what looked like magical notations from what Harry suspected was alchemical, but he could no more understand it than the average wizard. He was sure Hermione would have been able to figure it out. At the very bottom of the chest was another container that clinked delicately when he moved it. Fearful that he might break whatever lied inside, he did not open it.

Digging deeper through the items, he found a stack of letters that had been tightly bound together. Puzzled, Harry picked up the bundle and turned it around in his hands. Sirius's name was written neatly across the front of the top one and Harry's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the handwriting from the letter he had found in Grimmauld Place. It was Lily's handwriting.

"Harry," Hermione called. "Where are you?"

"Over here!" he called back. He hesitated a beat and then collected the other papers, settling them into the chest, putting the bundle at the top and then setting the small wooden case of Snape's inside the chest, closing it and securely clasping the latches. As Hermione came into view with a gloomy-looking Ron and the goblin, he said to the goblin, "Can you send this upstairs for me? I'd like to take it home tonight."

"Certainly," the goblin replied and with a snap of his fingers, the chest disappeared to be sent upstairs. "Are you wanting to transfer these contents, as well, Mr. Potter?"

"No," Harry hurriedly said. "I'd like to take another look around, though, please."

But aside from an old broomstick and some other miscellaneous school things of Sirius's that he had found important enough to keep in the vault after Hogwarts, there was nothing else personal of his that he could find. He suspected he would need more time to do a more thorough search of the vault to find anything more of interest. There were multiple genealogy books, old letters of his ancestors, and scrolls upon scrolls in a large chest of what appeared to be historical accounts of the Black family's accomplishments, along with gold and ruby shields with ancestry names.

After the goblin had locked it up, Hermione asked, "What was in that chest?"

"Photographs and old letters mostly. I saw some from my mum that I wanted to read."

"Your mum?" Ron asked, stirring from whatever brooding thoughts the sight of the gold had taken him. "Sirius kept letters from her?"

He shrugged. "Yeah. Maybe it was something to do with my dad when they first started dating?"

The three of them Apparated to Grimmauld Place, where Kreacher was waiting with a delicious dinner of pork roast and boiled potatoes. When Ron continued to look unenthused with his dinner, Harry, exasperated, said, "I'm not using that gold of Sirius's, you know."

"What?" Ron asked, looking up from poking at his potatoes. "Oh...right. It's your money, mate. Just lucky to have that much gold left to you."

"I'd rather have the people alive than their money," Harry told him a bit coolly.

Startled, Ron said, "I know that!" He frowned down at his food. "When you see vaults of purebloods like that, then you look at my family's, it seems unfair. I don't know why we were always so poor."

Hermione's brow puckered a bit and she said delicately, "Ron, your mom said that your dad always turned down promotions at the Ministry."

"That's just what she said so people didn't look down on us," he said flatly. "Dad's never been offered a promotion. He got offered a better-paying job at the Ministry when he first graduated, but he turned it down and went for the Muggle protection job instead." He grimaced, mumbling, "Wish she'd been like you and wanted to work..."

Hermione laughed. "Oh, Ron."

Harry had to look away from them when she kissed him, finishing his potatoes. It had been weeks since he had seen Ginny since they had both been so busy with work and she was currently traveling abroad. Instead, his eyes fell on the chest lying in the sitting room and after swallowing, he rose to his feet as Ron regained his appetite at Hermione's affectionate gesture. Harry sat at the divan, pulling the chest closer to him and opening it again. He pulled out Snape's box first and looking inside, he saw small little keepsakes. He saw the last piece of parchment with Lily's signature, the torn picture of her from the photograph in Grimmauld Place, and then notes that looked like children's handwriting.

Sev, one read, I hope you're having a good holiday! I wish I had stayed at Hogwarts with you. Petunia's been calling me a freak ever since I got back from Hogwarts. She's being really horrible. I miss seeing you every day. Do you like your Christmas present? I know your mum has a thousand potions books, but this is the newest edition. I put a note in the cover for you so you'll always think of me. Anyway, looking forward to being back at Hogwarts in a week. Write to me soon, okay?

Harry peered at the date. It read 1969. That would have been their first year at Hogwarts. There were subsequent notes like this during the Christmas holidays, becoming less frequent through the years. He could hear Ron and Hermione laughing in the dining area. He guessed that she had cheered him up. He paused at another note.

Sev, it read, It feels weird to be writing to you when we're both at school. Remember how easy it used to be for us just to walk the halls together? This year has been so different and I can't even talk to you in person anymore without Avery or one of the other Slytherins butting in. I'm sorry for how things went over Christmas break. I think I know now why you said those things, but Sirius has been good to me when things have been tough this year. It's not what you think it is. Sometimes I worry about how things will go with us, whether we'll be friends after we leave school...What would you do, I wonder, if you met me on the street? I get worried about what the world's going to be like if we meet there.

This note was dated 1974. There were no notes from Hogwarts after this. There were multiple photos of Snape and Lily together as children, even a few of them in what looked like a potions club when they were younger. There were none of them together in their later teens and Harry guessed that after the memory he had seen of Snape's when he had called her a Mudblood, their friendship had fractured.

There was one letter left and it had what looked like splotches on it, as if someone had cried on it. He checked the date, which read 1978. This was after his parents had graduated Hogwarts, then.

Dearest Sev, it read in what almost looked like shaky handwriting, It's been awhile. I don't even know if this owl will find you. Everyone would be furious they knew I'd written to you, but I needed to talk to someone outside our group that won't just tell me the same thing over and over. I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. I won't put it into writing for fear of this being intercepted. Thank you for keeping my secret all these years. Did you hear that James and I married after school? To be honest, neither of us were sure if we should get married, but what's the alternative now? Divorcing in the middle of a war? Sounds stupid even when I write it down. It was actually Sirius who confirmed what we thought about you, I'm sure you're not surprised. He knows that telling me won't change how I see you. James has tried to hide it, doesn't tell me if he runs into you. That's also how I know you kept your promise to me, no matter how much you hate Sirius and James. Thank you for that. Anyway, I've been hearing about people dying from You-Know-Who's own hands, which was my second reason for writing to you. I trust you even after all these years and you already know what side I'm on, that's no secret. But Sev, if you can listen to anyone, please listen to an old friend – be careful out there. There's no going back from your choice now, I know, but please be careful. You already know that I would rather die than kill you. I hope, after everything, you still think of me as a friend. It'd be good to hear from you again, but if not – please be safe. All my love, L.

Harry continued to read through the letter, impressed in spite of himself at the skills of his mother. He had no idea half of what she was trying to say in the letter – she had been very careful indeed in how she wrote in case it had been intercepted. He was only able to glean a small bit from the letter due to his own involvement in the Order of the Phoenix and having some small understanding of Snape's past.

He set the letter aside as Hermione and Ron came to join him, pulling out the bundle of letters that had been in Sirius's chest. Lily had referenced Sirius more often than he would have expected, making him curious as to just how close the two of them had been. The reference to divorce made Harry uncomfortably aware that his parents' relationship might not have been as idyllic as he had thought.

He untied the leather band and found that there was a good deal more parchment than he had expected. It was neatly arranged chronologically and he skipped to the end to the last letter and found it dated 1980, a year after the letter to Snape.

Sirius, she had written, Thanks for spending time with me last night. I know I wasn't pleasant company. Being pregnant, stuck in hiding while everyone is dying around me, all I can do is sit in my own thoughts. It's torture. This whole pregnancy...James and I have gone back and forth on whether we should have listened to Dumbledore. I've talked to Alice about it, but she doesn't seem worried. Of course, it helps that Frank is the way that he is – all duty-bound, ready to sacrifice anything, even if it's his own child. James and I both want to trust Dumbledore, but we're scared that it'll go wrong, that something will happen. We're all supposed to be doing our part, I know. I still feel too young to be a mum. Talking to you and Remus about it is so calming. You have a way of talking that always makes me feel better...out of everyone, you alone have the right to judge me for this. It makes me start wondering, if things had happened differently in our seventh year and you had just told me the truth, how would things be different?

Harry looked away from the parchment, frowning to himself. Hermione had entered the room with Ron and peered over his shoulder to read. She looked equally perplexed, her eyebrows knitting together.

I'm getting off topic – I didn't write just to reminisce and you've heard me and James talk about this enough. I wanted to apologize to you for how things went that night. I regret getting so angry with you, throwing you out of the house that way. I wouldn't usually describe myself as bitter, but when it comes to that...I guess I am. It feels like you stole something from me that could've been really wonderful and I still hate that it was Regulus who told me, not you. You'd think I could let it go by now. You already know that part of me blames you for this situation – like the fact that Dumbledore put pressure on you to ask me, thanks for finally telling me, by the way – and it feels like you lie to me more than anyone else these days. Don't you remember that first summer in London? You said you'd never lie to me and you've done so much of that since then. Part of me hates you, even if I know it's coming from a good place. That's why I got so mad, that you can just casually tell me something like you did, knowing it's already too far gone, that I can't undo the decision I made.

"Harry," Hermione spoke up, looking up from the letter, "do you know what she's talking about? What decision?"

"No idea," Harry said, shaking his head.

"Sounds like Sirius got her into something," Ron said, his head tilting to one side as he tried to read the letter over his shoulder. "Wouldn't he have said something to you about it?"

"No, Sirius didn't talk to me about my mum. He didn't talk about a lot of stuff." Harry's mouth turned down even further at the corners. He was only now becoming aware of how little his godfather had shared with him while he had been alive, how little time they'd had to share such memories.

He shook this aside, continuing to read the letter.

James feels like it was his fault, Lily's letter continued, and I don't think it's fair that you're letting him beat himself up about it. It's ironic how you both hold yourself to these moral standards and can still be some of the most heartless people I know. Unlike James, you have a bad habit of making choices for the people you love, thinking it's the less painful route for them. You do it with me constantly and now you're doing it with James. It's not my place to get in between you two. I learned that a long time ago. And James might be bullheaded and act like a prat, but I've always known he has a good heart and he loves you so much, Sirius. He'd do anything for you. If you told him what you said to me, it'd make him feel a lot better. He won't listen to me the way he does with you. All I ask is that you're honest with him like you were with me. It won't break up the Order, it won't change anything – we're too far gone to do things differently.

Lily did not sign her name, did not even say a farewell. She left a heart with an 'L,' the only sign that it was from her. The three of them gaped at the letter, more confused than ever.

"You know," Ron cleared his throat, "this sure comes off mushy. You don't think they had a thing in school, do you?"

"Don't be absurd, Ron," Hermione snapped, scowling at him. "Sirius would have said something. And besides, didn't he and Lupin say that her and James got together in their seventh year?"

"Well, sure, but that still leaves six years. And anyway, I don't think I'd want some random guy coming up to me saying he'd snogged my mum."

Harry ignored their bickering, far too used to it at this point, and refolded the parchment. He slanted a look to the stack of letters, suddenly reluctant to touch them. The constant reference to Dumbledore had stuck in his head. Had Dumbledore devised some great plan during the First Wizarding War that had affected his parents and, in turn, himself and Sirius? He had not liked the experience of learning so much about Dumbledore after his death. He was not sure he could handle reading letters putting his parents and Sirius in a poor light.

He tied the letters back up and returned them to the trunk.

"...mum told us stories from when she was at Hogwarts," Hermione was saying when Harry tuned back into their argument.

"You're out of line, Hermione," Ron spluttered, his ears turning red. "You saying my mum was a – a – "

"A what?" Hermione demanded, firing up.

"A harlot, that's what!"

"Are we living in the Middle Ages? Who even uses that kind of word? I'd love to see you tell your mum you think she's a 'harlot' for being with your dad before marriage – "

"She wasn't!"

"Ask Ginny! She told both of us!"

"Do we really need to talk about when Ron's parents got together?" Harry mumbled, becoming aware of just what topic they had chosen to begin arguing on. He had absolutely no idea how they had managed to make it onto that subject, but with Ron and Hermione, one never knew what would spark an argument.

After the two had left, Harry sat up reading over some material for work with a glass of Firewhiskey in front of the fire. He had been perusing it for a mind-numbingly long time until he was forced to set it aside and rub his eyes so hard that spots began to appear before his eyes. Blinking blearily, he popped his glasses back on his nose and rose to his feet, stretching. As he looked around the drawing room, his eyes fell on Sirius's trunk again.

Looking at it, he felt the same reluctance rise up in his chest. He had initially grabbed the letters from the vault, excited to see his mother's handwriting and hear her stories. He had never been one to pass up a chance to learn more about his parents and the people around him. It had excited him to think about what his mother and Sirius could be writing about and he had not even considered that, considering they knew each other during a war, not all their letters would be light and enjoyable.

Yet, from just the one he had read, he now had a thousand unanswered questions – about Dumbledore, his father, his mother, and now, Sirius. What worried him was that, like with Dumbledore's biography, he would not like the answers he found in the letters.

What's the alternative? he asked himself, grabbing his glass of Firewhiskey and moving to sit next to the chest. Just staring at this and never knowing? I'm never going to know how my parents and Sirius really were when they were kids because I didn't get to have enough time with them. This is all I have.

The room was dark, lit only with the firelight, so he had to dig around in the chest to find the stack of letters. Once again, his hand hit the small case that tinkled with glass and after grabbing the letters, he fished out the case and carefully removed it. It was a wooden box with a golden clasp that looked newer. This did not appear aged like the other items in the trunk.

Opening it, he gasped instinctively.

Inside were multiple vials of what appeared to be memories. There was something like a hinge at the edge, so Harry pulled gently and beneath was another layer of vials. As he pulled one of the vials out experimentally, he realized that what he thought was the end of the case was actually a false bottom. A folded piece of parchment was on the bottom, so he removed that first before inspecting the case. He poked around at the false bottom until he found a small edge where he could fit his pinky nail. As he dug around with his pinky nail, the false bottom popped up to show another compartment where there were at least three times the amounts of vials that were on the top. There was another, much smaller piece of parchment that he removed from here. Harry unfolded the first piece of parchment. Both pieces were crisper, so he knew that this must have been added to this trunk after Sirius had escaped Azkaban. There was no way it had been there before he had been imprisoned.

Reading the first line, Harry's stomach lurched.

Harry, it read, In here are some memories that Remus and I have stored of your parents. We wanted you to have something to look back on. I don't expect that we'll will make it through this next war, so these memories will be all that remain of our little group at school. I hope that, like it did for me, these memories will bring you some comfort.

"Thanks," Harry whispered, smiling a little unsteadily.

He set this parchment aside and then unfolded the smaller one that had come from the secret compartment. This, too, was written in Sirius's handwriting, although with a message that was more unsettling than heart-warming.

These vials are all mine. They're all memories I had with Lily. I didn't want to include them, but she would have wanted you to see her when she was happy. I'd never seen her happier than when we were at school. Lily was special to me, more than I can say, and I'm sorry for being too cowardly to tell you.

Harry's thrill at seeing his parents in a memory had evaporated so fast that it was almost as if the fire had been snuffed out. A rush of cold had come over him and he stared at the last sentence, letting the words sink in. Outside the drawing room, he could hear the tick, tick, tick of the grandfather clock in the yawning silence that had filled his ears.

Very slowly, Harry set the parchment on top of the other letter and then glanced to the stack of letters. What, he wondered, was he about to find out in these memories and the letters?

---

Part I

(Fall, 1981)

Sirius rubbed his face wearily, sinking into the armchair and wanting nothing more than to find some small moment of peace. He had been taking revitalizing potions rather than sleeping for the past two weeks and knew that it was catching up with his body. No matter how many times he adjusted the potion, it did not change the fact that his body still needed sleep. The human body was not designed to work this hard with so little rest.

Looking around at his bare flat, he realized that he had been here so infrequently that a layer of dust had begun to gather over his meager belongings. He had two armchairs in the flat, with a small table in the middle. His mattress was sitting on the floor in the corner. He had continued to use his school trunk, where it lied in the middle of the room as a means of separating where he slept from the small kitchen and as a small table. There was crumpled parchment and sheaths of it everywhere around the trunk.

His flat was located in one of the rougher areas on the east side of London and was given every protective charm that he could think of in order to keep him safe while he slept here. He did not come here often, though, occupied with tasks from the Order of the Phoenix or staying with friends. He never stayed in one location for long.

Idly rubbing the scruff that had begun to form around his neck, he took a drink of the brandy that he had been sipping and then glanced down at the moving photograph. A corner of his mouth tilted upward as he spotted the small baby zooming around on a toy broomstick. It was the latest photo that Lily had sent him of his godson, Harry Potter.

His eyes lingered on Lily in the photo and then he sighed, flipping it over and sinking into his armchair again. He had lit a fire in the fireplace, where it merrily crackled at him, blazing hot, the flames dancing. His gaze strayed to the radiator, where a shelf had been installed as a means of décor above it. Aside from his trunk, here was the only other personal touch. A vase with a collection of flowers in it sat on the shelf that stood beneath the drafty window. A rather stupid place to put a radiator, he had thought when he first moved in.

"It will brighten up the room," Lily had said when she had conjured the pretty little arrangement. Sirius had not been amused at the time. She had come to his flat without telling him, without an announcement, and had been alone. He had wanted to throw the flowers away at the time with how angry he had been with her for coming into this area of London by herself, but he had found that the flowers made him feel a little less lonely and, realistically, he knew that the last thing she had to worry about were common thugs.

He turned over the photograph again and looked at Harry laughing gleefully, tapping the photo against the stand thoughtfully.

In the years following their wedding, neither Lily nor James had been the best partners to each other and they would have been estranged had it not been their current situation in the war. Lily had always had a temper when it came to James and he, in return, often incited it on purpose. They were both stubborn and hated to admit when they were wrong, especially with each other, yet were willing to cave so easily when it came to others. Even though they both were some of the fiercest lovers and protectors that Sirius had known, they brought out the worst in each other. To bring a child into that mix had confused most everyone who had seen them in live action. Remus had balked when the pregnancy was announced and Sirius, who had known about the planned pregnancy, was forced to listen to Remus rant about the stupidity of having a child in the middle of a war.

And, even though he had been one of a few people who had known about the pregnancy, he had been taken off-guard when James had asked him to be godfather.

"Me?" Sirius had asked, bewildered. "When have I ever been good with kids?"

James had laughed. "To be honest, I don't think any of us are ever good at kids, mate. But I know that you would do anything to protect Harry. You've shown me enough times that you'd go to any lengths for a friend – I can trust you with Harry if..." He had trailed off, swallowing and looking towards where Lily had been animatedly talking to Alice Longbottom, who had also recently become pregnant. "I know you'll take care of them."

"Of course," Sirius had said, clasping his shoulder tightly, "you know that I would die for you and Lily."

James had smiled and his eyes had looked a little wet.

Sirius, reflecting back on that conversation, wondered if that day would come sooner than he was expecting.

He stood up and tucked the photograph into the trunk with the other letters and photos that he had received from Lily. He slid it underneath a photograph that he had taken of them at Slughorn's Christmas party their fifth year – that had been before everything had happened between them, before they had a history together, and far before the horrible things he had done that had led to her falling in love with James.

When the war began, the fear and violence only made it more difficult to maintain an appropriate visage. Sirius, selfish as he was, found himself fighting two wars, one with himself. He often vacillated between being a belligerent jerk or a supportive companion in public – there was rarely anything in the middle when it came to Lily. Yet even with everything that was happening in the background, their group had never been more tight-knit. Lily would never turn her back on James in a battle and neither would Sirius. There had been many close calls with James, even with Remus, and a few too many when it came to Sirius and Lily, as well. There was no room for battling ethics and morals when they were simply trying to survive.

Nonetheless, Sirius tried his best to find his middle ground, to try and be a good friend to both James and Lily without compromising his values. He had told himself years ago that he would use whatever means to keep his friends safe during this and while he might have succeeded, it was not without sacrificing some of his own moral code. He hated that he often needed to lie and be deceptive, needed to learn how to close himself off from people to keep them safe. Dumbledore had once congratulated him on doing so well at it, but that had only made him bitter. He did not want to be congratulated for doing something he did not enjoy.

It had been barely a year after Harry was born when Lily sent him a letter asking to meet. If she had showed up at his door unannounced, he would have refused to see her and perhaps she knew that would have been his reaction. When he agreed to see her, he had not been expecting her to stay the entire night. She had been emotional and he had been too battle-worn and weary to tell her to leave. It would have been an unkindness to kick her out when it was clear she just needed to talk to him, to tell him things that had been weighing on her for years.

"I need you to do something for me," she had quietly said to him before leaving. He had released a sigh through his nose, leaning against the doorframe with his forearm against the frame. She looked young standing in the hallway and for a moment, it had felt as if they were back at Hogwarts. When he looked into the mirror, he saw a man much older than twenty-two. He had a prematurely lined face from stress and exhaustion. She still looked as she had when he had first seen her – youthful and beautiful.

"What is it?" he had replied quietly.

"Give me your word that you'll do it, no questions asked."

"When have I ever told you 'no'?" he had tried to tease.

She had smiled slightly. "Plenty of times."

"You know I'll do whatever you ask."

She had hesitated a beat. "I don't think that You-Know-Who will stop until he's killed me and James. You've seen how he's gone after us in the Order – not to mention how he goes after Alice and Frank. And you know what Dumbledore's said about it. He's not exactly the type to just give up when he wants someone dead. I need you to promise that if there comes a time, you'll save Harry first."

His smile had faded from his face and he had become suddenly so tired, so exhausted that he might have lied on the floor and fallen asleep right then. Instead, he had reached out and tucked the hair behind her ear, wishing he could reassure her, but knowing that, like himself, she had become comfortable with being so close to death. They had all had so many near-misses that some days, Sirius wondered if he had not already begun to mourn the death of them.

"I know how you are," she had continued doggedly. "I know you'll want to save everyone, but I'm just so tired, Sirius. I just want Harry to be safe."

"I understand," he had answered softly, smiling to reassure her. "I promise."

He had interpreted it to mean that she had been asking him to leave them for dead and trusted him to do the right thing. He had already shown that he was capable of turning his back on her – he had already done it once, though not very successfully. There was something offensive in knowing that he was the one she knew she could turn to when such a decision needed to be made, although he could not quite put his finger on why.

There was the slightest sound behind him and he stirred from his brooding, checking his watch. "Good evening, Sirius," a calm voice said as he took note of the time.

"Dumbledore, hi," Sirius answered, getting to his feet and closing the trunk. His visitor was right on time. "Sorry for the mess." He gestured vaguely around the room and Dumbledore smiled, his blue eyes twinkling over his half-moon spectacles.

"I was a young man once, too, Sirius, if you can believe it."

Sirius laughed and lifted his hands before dropping them in a gesture of defeat. "It can be hard to remember." He ushered him over to the armchairs and settled in the one he had recently vacated while Dumbledore joined him in the other. He did not look any different than when Sirius had been in school – his white hair and beard flowing down his starry, azure robes. He looked quite neat and put together for a man fighting a war. "Can I get you a brandy?"

"Thank you," Dumbledore said gratefully as Sirius conjured another glass and poured him a brandy, offering it to him. "Have you seen James at all?"

"No," Sirius replied, pouring himself more brandy and then taking a sip. "I've just returned here yesterday." He chose not to mention that it had been Lily's letter that had him traveling back to his flat yesterday from where he had been staying with Remus.

"Given the circumstances, I've told them that going into hiding under the Fidelius Charm would be most wise," Dumbledore explained. "As a result, they will need a Secret Keeper and James would like you to do the honors." He smiled. "If it can be called an honor having so much weight placed on your shoulders."

Sirius did not immediately say anything to this, swirling his brandy in his glass and gazing across at the fire that crackled at him, as if taunting him for his silence. After a pause, he asked, "When did you tell them this?"

"Yesterday morning. I wanted them to talk it over and make a decision. James told me today that they had agreed upon it."

Sirius nodded slowly to himself, smiling faintly. So, this is why you came to me, Lily, he thought to himself.

"To be honest," Sirius said at last, "I don't think it's a good idea for me to be their Secret Keeper. If Voldemort suspects how they want into hiding, he'll know it's me. I'd die before revealing anything to him, but the risk is higher."

"Is that your only reason for objecting to being the choice?" Dumbledore asked mildly.

Sirius hesitated, furtively looking to the older male, but Dumbledore was sipping at his brandy and watching the fire.

"It's the main reason," he said at last. Dumbledore surveyed him, raising his eyebrows very slightly above his half-moon spectacles. Sirius grimaced under the stare and then said, "I made a promise to Lily that I would be here to take care of Harry. I can't do anything for the boy if I'm dead."

"You're a good godfather."

"I guess." Sirius drained his glass and then rose to his feet. He noticed Dumbledore's eyes stray to the flowers in the vase and stiffened slightly. He had no illusions in believing that Dumbledore could not see through him. Occlumency or not, Dumbledore saw more in people and their relationships than any other man that he knew. He doubted that there was much that one could hide from the man. He certainly had proven that while Sirius was in school. "What about Remus or Peter?"

"James wanted you, Sirius," Dumbledore told him serenely as Sirius paced to the fire, a frown marring his handsome features. "I already offered myself, but he was quite insistent."

"They'll know it's me," Sirius persisted. "If Voldemort won't, Snape sure as hell will."

"Ah, yes. Severus." Dumbledore drained the remainder of his brandy and then set the glass aside, rising to his feet gracefully. "You know," Dumbledore said conversationally as his gaze once again strayed to the vase of flowers, "one of the greatest treasures of being a professor is watching your students grow up, to experience their pains and pleasures from afar. You have grown into a magnificent young man, Sirius, and your heart is in the right place." He paused briefly, turning his piercing blue eyes to him, catching Sirius off guard. He hastily looked away, not meeting his eyes. Dumbledore smiled again at him. "If you want them to change their decision, you will have to speak with James and Lily and convince them to use someone else."

"What?" Sirius said blankly, looking up. "Them?"

"It was James and Lily's wish that you be their Secret Keeper," Dumbledore clarified.

"And what about Harry? Doesn't this charm interfere with your plans for the kids?"

"Not if it goes as I expect. I'm rather good at judging people's characters." He rose to his feet abruptly. "Thank you for the brandy – it was quite needed."

Sirius watched Dumbledore leave with a blank expression. As Dumbledore opened the door, he gestured towards the flowers with his hand. The flowers, which had been drooping somewhat, perked up a bit and extended their leaves out as if Dumbledore had fed them a treat. And with that, he had closed the door behind him and left Sirius alone to his thoughts.

---

Sirius expected James to resist his suggestion. To his surprise, however, James nodded, leaning forward with his forearms resting against his thighs. His black hair was rumpled and his glasses, perched on his nose looked a little worn and crooked. Gazing into the face of his best friend, Sirius felt a surge of affection for him and hoped beyond hope that what Lily believed – that the two of them would not make it through the war – never came to be true.

"Makes sense," James said to him and then rubbed his eyes under neath his glasses. He, like Sirius, was looking older than his years these days. Sirius rather suspected it was more than just the war that had caused the deep, dark circles under his eyes. "That nasty git, Snivellus...He would throw us to Voldemort faster than you could say 'Quidditch.' He'd love it if he got to see Voldemort torture me in front of him." He frowned absent-mindedly. "You ran into him recently, didn't you?"

"Unfortunately," Sirius grunted. "And I told you how well that went. Can't avoid him these days."

"Right...But he didn't try to curse you?"

"Of course, he did," Sirius said with a scowl. "But I got out of there. I wasn't going to give him the time of day." Harry had ambled over and was reaching his short, chubby arms up towards Sirius. He picked up the baby, jiggling him distractedly on his knee. He did not go into detail about his meeting with Snape and he certainly was not about to dive into the messy details of the conversation he had engaged in with their old school enemy. Hearing the old nickname they had for him – Snivellus – brought back a rush of memories.

He'd had more than a few occasional run-ins with Snape during the war, although not as many as with other Death Eaters. Even though James had been the one to marry Lily, Snape had devoted a special type of hatred for Sirius that had carried over from school. And, just like in school, Snape managed to discover information that should have been hard to obtain. Sirius had not enjoyed having his secrets thrown into his face, let alone a Death Eater taking the moral high ground with him.

No, he would not go into those details with James. It was better left unsaid.

"It could be risky, using Remus," James was saying now. "Because of the full moon. He's not aware during those hours and can be used against us."

"I was thinking Wormtail," Sirius told him, breaking himself out of his nostalgia. "He's the safer option. He'll be the last person they'll expect us to use, so there's no way that he'll ever get cornered."

James grimaced, appearing skeptical. "I don't know, Sirius. He's been off ever since the war's started. I hate to say that I don't trust him, but...I don't know. He just disappears for days at a time and nobody can find him."

"Probably scared," Sirius replied dismissively with a shrug. "When has he ever been brave?"

"That's what worries me."

"Come off it. Wormtail practically worships the ground you walk on – the last thing he's going to do is turn you into Voldemort."

James was silent at this and Harry sneezed into the silence. Sirius, taking note of the runny nose, stood up and walked into the kitchen where Lily was making dinner. He bundled Harry into the high chair and pulled tissues to wipe his face. He could feel Lily's eyes on his back and as he straightened up, he glanced at her to find her surveying him thoughtfully. Before he was given a chance to say anything, though, James stepped into the kitchen and patted Harry on the head affectionately.

"Sirius was thinking that we should use Wormtail as our Secret Keeper," James told her. "He thinks it'd be less risky."

"Less risky?" she repeated, her eyes darting from James to Sirius.

"Voldemort will expect it to be me," Sirius explained to her, as he had to both James and Dumbledore. She frowned, a crease forming between her eyebrows. "For it to be effective, I'd have to go into hiding and we just don't have enough people for that to be possible."

Lily set her hand towel aside and folded her arms over her chest as she leaned against the kitchen counter. Her eyes strayed from him to Harry, who was gnawing on his own little fist, patting his hand against the table of the high chair with childlike delight. Even though she was looking at Harry, Sirius suspected she was thinking of Marlene McKinnon, who had been brutally murdered alongside her parents just a few months ago.

Of all the friends that Lily had from Hogwarts, Marlene had seemed the most resilient – she had always been feisty, arrogant, and quick with her wand. Her work at The Daily Prophet had made her a quick target and rather than go into hiding, she continued to pen smear campaigns against Voldemort and his Ministry officials. After school, Marlene and Lily had butted heads because of Marlene's approach towards politics and had not been on close speaking terms by the time she had been attacked. Lily had been blasé about her death in a letter to him, but when they actually saw each other, she had cried hard that night. Marlene had been the first of her close friends to be killed and to see people in the Order being shot down by Death Eaters no doubt had caused her recent comfortability with her own mortality.

"He hasn't been around as much," Lily said at last. "Every time he's come by, he's seemed really low. I don't even know if he'd want to do it."

"What do you expect?" Sirius asked without thinking. "People are dying left and right – who wouldn't be depressed?"

Her face seemed to drain of colour and he instantly regretted his frankness. James scowled, throwing him a disapproving look as he went to Lily, rubbing her gently on the back in a reassuring gesture. Sirius was reminded why it had always been James who had the girlfriends and not himself. Even with Lily, he was terrible with words.

"He's the best option," he continued doggedly, refusing to apologize for his honesty.

There was a brief silence as neither of them spoke. Lily seemed to have withdrawn into her thoughts, far away from any of them. Harry became fussy and this time, James was the one to take the boy. As Harry began to wail, he took the bottle that Lily handed him and went into the den. They could hear James cooing to his son, trying to coax him to take the bottle.

"I couldn't forgive myself if I got used against you two," Sirius said to Lily quietly, taking note of her muteness.

"I know," she answered, smiling very slightly, "but I don't think James trusts Wormy to do the right thing if he's ever caught."

"He'll never be on the radar to need to do the right thing," Sirius reassured her. "If I'm put under the Imperius Curse because they think they can use me to get to you two, this will all have been for nothing and it's not just you two who will be at risk." He gestured towards the den where they could hear James murmuring softly to Harry. "You asked me to put Harry first and I am."

"At what cost, Sirius?" she asked softly.

He released a long sigh, lifting his hands and then dropping them in a gesture of defeat. "I'm trying here."

She chewed on her lower lip anxiously. "You're the only one I trust," she admitted, her gaze flickering towards the den where James and Harry were currently. "Even James...I don't know. After Marlene, he hasn't been himself."

"Don't," he told her quietly. "He wouldn't do anything to betray you."

"I'm not worried about that – I'm afraid he's going to do something reckless."

"Give him more credit than that. We both know that out of the two of us, I'm the reckless one." He glanced quickly towards the doorway and then pulled her deeper into the kitchen, holding her hands. "I'm not saying this because I don't want to. I would do it if I knew it would keep you guys safe. Yes, Wormtail might get scared and say something – that's not a guarantee, though. It is a guarantee that Voldemort knows how close I am to James, if not to you." He lowered his voice further to a whisper, peering into her face. "You know who I'm talking about."

"He wouldn't," Lily automatically said in a hushed tone. "I know Sev wouldn't."

"I'm not willing to risk my neck – or yours – on that. I don't have the blind faith that you do in Snape."

She continued to chew on her lip anxiously and then released a breath, pulling her hands from Sirius's and dragging them through her hair. She closed her eyes briefly and then nodded, opening her eyes again. "Okay. I'll tell James." She reached up, cupping his face briefly as she searched his eyes. "I trust your judgment." When she smiled, it was warm and for a moment, he forgot where he was and wanted to pull her into his arms to feel that warmth again; instead, he let her hand drop as she entered the den to talk with James.

Left in the kitchen, Sirius stared around him and felt cold and very alone.

After James finally acquiesced to Sirius's solution, prompted by a good deal of prodding by Lily, he left to make a final visit before heading home. James had said that he would do the charm necessary with Peter if Peter agreed. He knocked on the shabby door that he had Apparated in front of and there was a few moments' pause before he heard the locks and then a wan, tired-looking face appeared at the door.

"Have any free time?" Sirius asked Remus as the latter male smiled in greeting.

"Oh, go on then," Remus said amiably, opening the door wide enough to let him in. "Where've you come from?"

"James and Lily's," he answered, stepping inside as Remus shut the door, securing the locks behind him. "Nothing like seeing happily married parents to remind you that you don't even have a girlfriend. We're behind the times."

Remus laughed, following Sirius into his very small, humble living room. The paint was peeling in places and it looked even more dingy than Sirius's own flat. "Trust me, I'm aware. People have been getting married left and right these days out of desperation, fearful that they'll lose the chance to further their bloodline. I can't say that I blame them."

"What about you, Moony?"

Remus grimaced. "No, I don't think so. It's too much of a risk with my werewolf form. I'd be lucky if any woman would even want to date me." This time when he laughed, it was hollow-sounding. Sirius squeezed his shoulder in a brief, comforting gesture and then settled on the couch, sighing.

"Yeah, I'll pass on the whole thing," Sirius said in a too-light tone. "Who needs the complications of a relationship when you're trying to stay alive?"

Remus handed him a glass of wine and then offered him some of his dinner, which Sirius waved away, declining. "You're a terrible liar, Sirius."

"You think so?"

He gave a knowing smile and then began to help himself to his steak and kidney pie. "Life seems short these days," he said after washing his food down with a drink of wine. "It would do well to take advantage of what little life we seem to have, my friend."

Sirius swirled the wine in his glass and glanced over at the fire in the grate that was dying. He set his wine on the coffee table in front and stood up, gathering a log and stoking the fire. "It's too late for that for me."

"What makes you say that?"

Sirius glanced over his shoulder at Remus. His friend looked as tired as Sirius felt. He had never confided to any of his friends his secret affection for Lily – he had guarded that tightly to his heart, even practicing Occlumency so that she could never be used against him. Only Snape and his brother, Regulus, had ever been aware of their relationship during school. As far as Regulus had known, Sirius had broken it off at the end of his sixth-year. He had made a choice long ago to keep his affection for Lily a secret; it had been why, even when they had both been single and unattached, he never openly dated her at school. It was a decision he sorely regretted, but he would never have been able to predict the future. Now, when it felt like death was so close to all of them, he wanted to confide in someone and of all their friends, Remus was the most forgiving. He was desperate for anyone close to him to know the truth. He was tired of hiding something that should have been a good thing.

"Do you remember," Sirius said abruptly, standing up as the fire began to crackle back into life, "when Snape tried to kill me our fifth year? When he was throwing the Killing Curse all over a corridor after our OWLs and you asked me if I'd flirted with Lily in front of him?"

"That seems so long ago," Remus mused aloud. "Lily came up to the boy's dormitory, didn't she?"

"Yeah."

Sirius sat back on the couch next to Remus, finding himself floundering for words suddenly. How did one go about telling this story without sounding like an absolute git?

Remus finished up his steak and kidney pie, setting the plate onto the coffee table and refilling his wine glass. "I know already," Remus told Sirius, taking his wine glass, "so you don't need to feel as if this is a repentance confessional." Sirius, startled, looked at him. There was a faint smile on his lips. "You weren't being that careful, really."

"Why didn't you say anything to me?"

Remus laughed at him. "What could I have said, Sirius? I warned you to be careful of Snape. I knew you were going to do what you wanted. You always did regardless of what I said during school. It's not like you would've listened."

"Did you ever tell James?"

"Of course not. There wasn't anything to tell him back then – or at least that's what I told myself to feel better. I didn't think it was anything serious, either, so why bother with two people just messing about?" Remus took a drink of his wine, gazing at Sirius over the rim shrewdly. "I'm guessing that's not what it really was, though."

Sirius shifted on the couch, frowning. "No, far from it."

"Hmm," Remus sighed, closing his eyes a moment before nodding his head and straightening a bit. "That does complicate things. But why are you telling me this now?"

"Because I can't tell James," Sirius said gloomily.

"I'm not sure on that, mate. He might surprise you."

"Not when it's been going on for this long, Remus." Sirius dragged a hand through his hair, giving a bitter laugh. "And then when you think of how I acted our seventh year..."

"Oh, I remember," Remus assured him. "You made James look like a gentleman back then. If I hadn't thought that you two had something going on, I would've then. The way you two rowed was something else."

"I'm not proud of it." Remus was watching him with a shuttered expression. "I don't think James would forgive me. Nothing I've done changes how I feel. I've tried to get her to hate me, tried to hate her myself, and it's just not possible. It doesn't even matter that she's married to my best friend or anything – does that make me a bad person? A bad friend?"

"No," Remus was quick to say, "and I really do think if James had ever known, he would say the same. It's not like you ever told Lily about Marlene, right?"

He did not immediately answer, frowning at the fire. No, he had not told Lily anything about Marlene and James, but he had always had the sense that somehow she knew. She had made enough comments during school to make him believe that she had some degree of knowledge about their relationship, though perhaps not the extent of it. She had even mentioned Marlene tonight when describing James's behavior. He was not sure and he had never broached the topic with her. It had not been his secret to share.

"It wasn't my place," Sirius replied at last. "Who was I to judge what James does, anyway? The only reason they ever got together back in school was because Marlene put out more than the other girls."

"Let's just say that she was more experienced out of respect for the dead."

Sirius laughed. "Marlene wouldn't have cared. She was the most headstrong, independent feminist I'd ever met. She was proud of it. Not that it made her like me any." Sirius paused, feeling a strange pang at the reality that Marlene could no longer scold him or get angry at him for nothing – she was gone, like so many other people. "I haven't been living as honestly as I should. When I see people dying around me, it made me question all of my decisions. I just needed someone to tell me that I didn't fuck everything up or piss away my life. Lily was one good thing in my life that I could really enjoy. Now, every day I go out, I don't know if I'm coming back. I told Dumbledore that once and you know what he said to me? He said that only a man with a good heart accepts that he's so near death and still – how'd he put it? – 'flirt' with death. He tried saying it was a good thing."

"Imagine the things he's seen in his lifetime," Remus said thoughtfully. "To him, I think there's worse things than death."

"Yeah, like being alive while everyone is dying around you." Sirius glanced at his friend and saw a troubled frown pulling Remus's mouth downward. "Sorry, Moony. It's just how I feel. I'm terrified that James and Lily are going to be the next ones to go. The amount of close-calls they've had, whether it's been Voldemort or when the dementors nearly got James – it's eerie. It's not just them, either. Losing any of you would be hard. There are so few people left in my life."

"Ah...I was sorry to hear about Regulus," his friend said quietly, taking note of the melancholy behind his voice. "He might've been a Death Eater, but I had always liked him in school."

"He only joined because of our mother, I'm sure of it," Sirius said with a shake of his head. "Regulus never cared about the Dark Arts beyond intellectual pursuits. He never had a passion for it. Last I heard, he had just wanted to pay Voldemort off to keep the family out of the war. Obviously, that didn't work. They still haven't even found his body. Nobody knows what happened to him."

"I'd heard that Voldemort killed him when he tried to back out of the Death Eaters."

"I asked Dumbledore, he said that was the story the Death Eaters were putting out to scare others into submission, but that wasn't true. Not even Voldemort knows where he is, apparently, but that he's dead. Something about the Dark Mark allows him to sense when someone branded with it has died."

"I don't suppose you asked your mum about it?"

Sirius snorted. "I did. She wrote me back saying that she was proud of how he had died, but I know she's tore up about him – her only real son dead, left with a blood traitor of a son. Even if she knew, she wouldn't tell me. She knows which side I'm fighting for while she pretends to be neutral in Grimmauld Place." He made a disgusted sound as he said this. "Regulus deserved better than that kind of end. Her putting stupid thoughts into his head is the only reason he's dead now."

"I think that's true for a lot of Death Eaters, unfortunately." Remus paused and set his empty wine glass on the coffee table, leaning his forearms against his knees. "But Sirius – you didn't piss away your life. There's no shame in falling in love."

A corner of his mouth kicked upward. "Not even when it's your best friend's wife?"

"You made her happy," Remus quietly said. "Don't ever feel shame for that. If I had thought you were doing something really bad, I would have said something. It was just some unfortunate circumstances and now...well, you're sitting here with me and not going home to your wife. You made the right decision somewhere along the way."

Sirius barked out a laugh. "Only you could frame being alone that way." He checked his watch and then sighed, getting to his feet. "Thanks, Remus. I'd better get going. I have to go back out tomorrow."

Remus followed him to the door and they hugged each other briefly. "Stay safe out there, Sirius," he said softly, squeezing his shoulder. "You and the rest – you're the only family I have."

Sirius gave a nod of reassurance and a moment later, he had Apparated, leaving Remus on the front porch looking as tired and worried as he had when Sirius had first arrived.

---

Sirius knew that he was going to either be killed or go to Azkaban. At the moment, he would gladly welcome death.

He had heard the news from Hagrid, who had been in London on his own business and was on his way to meet Dumbledore. He had been a weeping mess, barely able to report the news at all when Sirius had encountered him. Harry had been nestled comfortably in Hagrid's large arms, looking peaceful and oblivious. The words had sunk into Sirius's soul, freezing him. He had been too numb at first to believe what he had heard, too shocked, trapped in disbelief.

James and Lily are dead.

He had fled from Hagrid after that. Outside of Dumbledore, nobody else in the Order had known that Lily and James had switched their Secret Keeper. Even Remus believed that Sirius was still their Secret Keeper. He had barely heard Hagrid's following words, that Voldemort had perished in the house with James and Lily when attempting to kill his godson. At the moment, he did not care. The only possible way that he could have gotten to them was if Peter had betrayed them.

Sirius, in Godric's Hollow, was one of the many in the group staring at the ruined house. For Muggles, it looked like a gas explosion had gone off. For wizards, it looked as it truly was – a magically blasted house, terribly maimed and blackened. Sirius vaguely remembered arguing with Hagrid in the pub, insisting that he be given Harry since he was his godfather. Hagrid, tearful, had argued back, telling him he had to meet Dumbledore, he had his orders on what to do with the boy. Sirius had given up the argument and given him his enchanted motorbike. If Dumbledore had better plans for his godson, then so be it. His own life, after James and Lily were murdered, was now forfeit. He no longer cared what happened to himself. Everyone would think it had been him who betrayed them, anyway.

James and Lily are dead.

He shook the echoing words out of his head and his eyes darted around the crowds, looking for the rat-faced traitor. Instead, he was surprised to find a familiar face – a familiar, horrified, anguished face.

"Snape?" he whispered to himself and unbidden, he made his way through the crowds towards the greasy-haired man. A need to rage, to blame someone besides himself was unfurling within him. He did not want to face his own inner shame just then. "Happy, are you?" Sirius sneered to him when he came within earshot.

Slowly, Snape turned his head to stare at Sirius and for a moment, neither of them spoke. Snape appeared as if someone had ripped his soul of his body and his face was streaked with tears. He looked like a madman. His hair was sticking out in all directions, giving it the impression of being yanked from every which way. There was a hollowed-out, sick look to his face and dark circles, making him appear that he had not slept for days.

"Happy?" he repeated vaguely.

"She's dead," Sirius said in a poorly controlled voice. "That's what your lot wanted, isn't it? Come to cry over the death of your lord and master – "

Snape, quite uncharacteristically, did not go for his wand. Instead, he lunged at Sirius and knocked him to the ground. The Muggles around them cried out in alarm as the two of them began to viciously punch at each other. Snape went for Sirius's throat, trying to choke him and they rolled in the dirt. Snape was screaming indistinct things at him while Sirius swore. Two Muggle policeman disentangled them, shouting them down. Snape was breathing raggedly, his nose bleeding.

Sirius shook off the policeman and after a very wary glance at the two men, they returned to the sidelines to keep the crowd away from the building.

"You don't know anything!" Snape snarled at Sirius after the policeman had left. The Muggles had edged away from them, thinking them to be mental tramps arguing over sleeping bags or something similar. "I tried to save Lily!"

"And that makes you a hero?" Sirius snapped back and gave a mirthless laugh. "What, trying to repent years later after treating her like trash?"

"I loved her!" Snape's proclamation sounded manic as he screamed it, his eyes bulging wildly. "I loved her before you did! I loved her before you even noticed her! Before Potter even noticed her! She was my everything!"

"You disgusting, good-for-nothing piece of shit! You had an opportunity to be with her and you chose your Death Eaters over her – she didn't want anyone but you until you screwed it up for yourself! I told you that back then, too! Don't try and blame that on me or James!"

"You got in the middle of us and now – " Snape seemed unable to finish the sentence, gulping down the words and appearing as though he might break out into a fresh wave of tears.

But Sirius did not care. He no longer wanted to argue the past with him, let alone argue about a girl who, at the end of her life, had never been theirs to lay claim upon. She had been James's wife and now he, too, was dead.

And it was his fault.

He backed away from Snape, who was too incensed and overcome with grief to care what he did. He turned away from him and behind another home, he Apparated back to London.

Sirius knew it was his fault, knew that it had been because of him that they had perished. It had been him who had convinced James to use Peter when he did not want to, it had been him who had insisted Lily change James's mind. He remembered Peter's behavior shortly before he became Secret Keeper, his evasiveness, his gloomy attitude, and his avoidance of any of them, as though he very much wanted to be far from them. He had become a spy for Voldemort and the realization struck ice into his heart.

In a second, a flash of memories whizzed by him – Peter, laughing with them at Hogwarts, Peter cheering beside them at a Quidditch match, Peter pouring him wine at James's wedding, Peter playing with Harry as a rat.

He had thought that James dying would be the most painful thing, but he found that experiencing the betrayal of one of his longtime school friends caused a pain that he would never be able to put into words. They had all been best friends since they were kids. He never would have expected any of them to sell each other out.

But James had suspected, a sly voice said in his head. James knew that Wormtail would buckle under pressure.

Hardening himself against the threat of screaming, of going mad and delirious in the middle of the narrow street in London, Sirius took a shuddering breath and then changed into his Animagus form. There was no time to grieve – that would come later. For tonight, he would hunt. He would find Peter and he would kill him.

---

(Fall, 1974)

Sirius Black stared down at the bit of parchment, aware of the uncomfortable dip that his stomach had taken. Of course, he had expected this conversation, albeit he had thought she would approach James before him. After all, James had been the one who had been harassing her for the past two years whether it was through insults or, more recently, invitations to Hogsmeade. Two weeks into the new term, he would not have thought that he would receive parchment dropped in front of him in the library by another fifth-year Gryffindor girl, who had cast him a flirty smile that he had pointedly ignored.

Let's talk about your best friend. Meet me outside the library before dinner, the message read.

Sirius squirmed, crumpling the note in his hand and stuffing it into his pocket. This was worse than when Holly Pilldock, the beefy seventh-year with a beginning unibrow had sent him a long poem confessional last year before she graduated about how she had watched him for the last four years. He had never thought something would trump that debacle. She had stalked him for weeks afterward to receive an answer. Lily Evans did not seem the stalking type, but that did not necessarily mean he wanted to endure any type of one-on-one conversation with her. Even in a group, she did a good job of using the sharp edge of her tongue for take-downs that were downright ego bruising.

As he headed towards Herbology, he decided that he would ignore the request altogether. After all, who was she to demand that he meet her to discuss James? It was not as though she were his teacher.

Feeling a good deal more satisfied with this and entirely unaware of any potential consequences that such an action would cause, he headed towards the greenhouses with a lighter step. As he approached the greenhouse, he saw Peter Pettigrew, Remus Lupin and, of course, James Potter all lurking in a group outside the greenhouse waiting for him. Peter appeared anxious, shifting from foot to foot. As soon as Sirius came into view, his face cleared with relief.

"Oh good, we can go in now," Peter said, looking to Remus for confirmation. Remus hid a faint smile behind his shaggy hair, turning instead to nod towards Sirius.

"What took you?" James demanded as the group entered the greenhouse to settle at the work tables. "Usually you're a lot faster about shaking off girls confessing to you."

"Maybe he's gotten a conscience over the summer," Remus teased slyly.

"Fat chance," was James immediate response without allowing Sirius a chance to intercept. "He shot down a girl in Spain faster than a snitch during Quidditch. She was pretty, too!"

"I'm not interested in girls that throw themselves at me," Sirius loftily replied. "What's the point in a girl who's too easy? Those are your types." He slanted a look to James, who grinned unapologetically. In their group, James was known to go through girlfriends as fast as Sirius did in rejecting them. They each had begun to bet on how long it would take James to get through the entire fifth year girls at the rate he was going.

"Not this year, mate!" James thumped himself on the chest. "I'm a changed man. This year, I've got my eye on the prize – L. E.!"

Sirius exchanged a glance with Remus, both of whom looked skeptical. Even without Lily's note from this morning, Sirius did not need anything more to know that she loathed James to the core. Even if she was not best friends with Severus Snape, he doubted that would change. From the comments he had made, what James considered proud conquests, she found to be blatant misogynistic behavior and had, at more than one point, scolded him for breaking so many hearts and treating girls like objects. During one such conversation, James had wittingly replied, "If I was a heart-breaker, would they keep coming back for more?"

Reminded of this, Sirius made a show of pulling his Herbology book out of his bag. Loathing might not be sufficient enough a word to represent the feeling she had towards James.

"What?" James asked, looking around as each of his friends, all of whom pointedly said nothing. "What's with this silence? You're not going to say anything?"

"Doesn't she hate you?" Peter had the audacity to ask.

This did not seem to faze James in the slightest. "Hate can be transformed to love easily!" he declared gallantly. "Remember Madeline McDougal? The Irish girl that graduated last year?"

"Ah, yes, the one that gave you a bloody nose the first time you asked her out," Sirius reminisced.

"And then you two ended up in detention together for Muggle fighting," Remus added with a small frown.

"Which then led to us bonding over the injustice of detention," James concluded.

"What are you and Lily going to bond over?" Sirius asked dryly. "Unless it's how much you hate yourself, I don't think you'll get far."

"She's in the Slug Club," James said, "so she must like potions. Maybe I can figure in that angle. Self-hatred might be too strong to use this early in the game. That will only be used in a desperate attempt."

"It's not a game, James," Remus said with a deeper frown, now turning to look at him full in the face. "Don't pretend to be mental just to snog a girl."

"Okay, okay, fine," James said, rolling his eyes. "But Sirius is the one who mentioned it."

"Mr. Potter," Professor Sprout's voice snapped into their conversation before Remus could form a rebuttal to this. Flinching, James turned to stare at Professor Sprout with an expression of wide-eyed innocence. "As interesting as your dating life might seem, can you please quiet down so the other students can learn at least?"

"Yes, professor," he replied with an abashed smile that turned devilish when she turned away. He and Sirius snickered under their breath together at having him so openly called out. Far from embarrassing him, when professors used this tactic it often led to grandiose gestures and speeches instead. But, as it was still early in term, James settled into silence at the work table and the group of boys refocused their attention back to the professor.

While pruning one of the plants with writhing tentacles, Sirius's mind returned to the crumpled parchment that he had abandoned. While he did not think that James had attempted a gesture towards Lily Evans yet, ignoring the note left him with an uncomfortable sense of foreboding. He could understand why James fancied her, though he had dated some of the prettiest girls in their school. Lily had the type of stubborn, resistant spit-fire attitude that James loved to have turned on him. Where her comments were sarcastic towards him and Remus, they were outright poisonous towards James. He had thought that Severus's remarks were acid, but there was something particularly brutal about Lily towards James that made Sirius wonder how his friend could still be obsessed with her.

Then again, James always did like the mean ones, Sirius thought, pulling out of reach as a tentacle tried to slyly go for him. He slapped the plant sharply with the edge of his scissors, causing the vine to retract in alarm. He could still remember most of James's girlfriends and out of the handful, there were very few that were not, well, bitchy for lack of a better descriptive term. Something about being bossed around and made to be the equivalent of a queen's servant seemed to turn him on.

This train of thought turned his mind to another question, but one that would have to wait until after class.

It was an exhausting period and by the time the group had left the greenhouse, they were all dirty and disheveled from their work. James had a smudge of dirt on his nose from thrusting his glasses back onto his nose.

"So," Sirius spoke up in a low tone as the group separated, Peter heading off to Divination while the three of them headed to Ancient Runes. He had glanced over his shoulder at the three, a gloomy smile on his face as he waved. Peter had not felt he had the aptitude to pursue the elective and had gone for one that he had thought would be easier, though far less useful in the group's opinion.

"So?" Remus repeated, raising an eyebrow as Sirius glanced around to make certain no one was near them.

"Did you try it? The engorgio charm?"

Remus's eyebrows shot upward and his gaze slid sideways to James, who had the grace to look embarrassed at their stares. He even went a little pink in the face as he made another move to shove his glasses up his nose. "Well," he mumbled, "yes..."

The two of them stared at him in rapt attention, even Remus unable to ignore this conversation.

"And?" Sirius prompted.

"It...didn't quite work out." He rubbed the back of his head, looking even more embarrassed by the moment. He paused in their steps, gesturing for them to step into an alcove and dropping his voice. "The thing is...it had the opposite effect. I had to have Madame Pomfrey fix it and you have no idea how awkward that was. She wanted an exact measurement because she thought I was trying to lie my way into a bigger size. I had to explain to her why I even had an exact measurement."

Sirius had started to snicker wildly, though he covered his mouth to try and conceal it behind his hand. Remus's mouth twitched, but he did a far better job of covering his mirth, putting on a grave face as if a family member had just died. "That's really unfortunate," Remus said in the tone of a man speaking at a funeral.

James cast him a dry smile, catching Sirius's shaking shoulders. "You both are the worst enablers," he stated plainly.

"I didn't encourage it, I just said it would be interesting."

"And I," Sirius spoke, coughing on his laughter, "told you it would be useful if we could. Better smaller than with a huge knob hanging out of your pants, mate."

James had to laugh at this and the three of them continued their trek towards the classroom, needing to pick up their pace a bit given their pause on the way. This particular referenced conversation had occurred over summer when James and Sirius had been in Spain and had followed into Diagon Alley when they met up with Remus and Peter. The question had been hypothetical: what would engorgio do if one were to use it on human body parts? For them, they wanted to know why wizards never used it to make the fun bits larger.

"Muggles use something called 'plastic surgery,'" Remus had told them thoughtfully. "Apparently it's very popular with Muggle women."

" 'Plastic'?" James had echoed. "What, like they add something to make it...thicker? Longer?"

"Both. And apparently for women, their boobs get bigger." Remus made a gesture with his hands, miming the rounded size on his chest. The other three boys had stared at him, apparently transfixed. One witch walking through Diagon Alley had thrown them a look of disgust at what she had likely considered an obscene gesture. Remus had been thoroughly cowed at the stare and had ducked his head, all clinical conversation of plastic surgery and body augmentation erased from his mind temporarily.

As Sirius and Peter argued over which asset would be the best to use engorgio on a girl, James had fallen into a contemplative silence until they arrived at Flourish and Blotts. After retrieving their new sets of books for their fifth year, he had flashed his wicked, confident smile, saying, "I'll do it."

"Do what?" Remus had asked, startled, as he looked up from one of the books he had bought for pleasure reading.

"I'll try engorgio."

"Come off it," Sirius had laughed in disbelief. "You'll look like a prat using that and having a huge knob hanging off your broomstick."

"That's if it goes wrong," James had replied with the same cocky grin. "But I'm one of the best in our class for Charms and it's a fairly basic spell!"

"I think you're going to find that charming a teacup compared to a human body part is going to be a lot different," Remus had said, amused, though he did not try to convince James to do otherwise.

Presently, James had shrugged off the embarrassment and took the failure rather well considering how his ego must have been deflated upon explaining the predicament to Madame Pomfrey.

"Anyway, it doesn't matter," James said as they settled into their desks in Ancient Runes. Leaning over, he grinned as he added, "It's about the skill, not the size, mates."

Sirius barked out a laugh while Remus rolled his eyes with a dry smile. As James settled back into his desk, Professor Babbling came in, briskly clapping her hands for the attention of the class. Sirius leaned his elbow against the top of the desk, flipping through the book idly as the rolls of homework parchment flew up to the professor's desk. Glancing up, he stiffened upon catching a pair of brilliant green eyes staring at him. The fine eyebrows snapped down as their gaze met and Lily Evans's mouth turned into a tiny little frown as he quickly averted his gaze.

Avoiding her, he feared, was going to be more of an obstacle than he had thought.