(Chapter Twelve)

As the weather began to shift into a balmy spring, the stress of upcoming OWLs for fifth-year students began to creep up on nearly everyone. The hospital wing began to fill up with anxiety-laden students that needed calming draughts or other such remedies. One student had attempted their own potion in order to retain information, which led them to develop an unfortunate side-effect of spouting off information until an antidote was supplied to them. Tensions ran higher in the common rooms and even the library was not a safe place to be and the slightest noise often triggered a stressed student into yelling or hushing another. More fights began to break out, particularly over History and Magic: Dates, Names, and Events in Summary, which now had all copies routinely signed out at the library.

Because of this unfortunate development, Lily had made herself a cozy nest in a small alcove in one of the north towers. None of the students lingered there, leaving her blissfully alone aside from her visitor that would meet her from time to time, not always to study.

"Aren't you worried about your OWLs" Lily asked Sirius one evening as she looked up from the notes she had been perusing. He was doing calculations on a long sheath of parchment that already had several calculations that had been circled and scratched out. He would not tell her what it was for, but it was clearly not for their exams. She had never seen the like of it before in her life. It was not the first time that she had gotten the impression that Sirius was a good deal more intelligent than herself.

"Why should I be?" he asked distractedly. "Because everyone else is?"

"If you don't get enough OWLs, you can't get into certain NEWT classes," she answered. "And without that, you can't get into certain careers."

"Do you really think every career is dictated by OWLs and NEWTs?" Sirius glanced up at her with a teasing smirk, his attention at last diverted. He ruffled his hair, as though he could rub out an answer from his head and then set his parchment, quill, and ink aside. "That's just for government jobs that you have to worry about that. Everything else – all they care about is your skill and experience and what you can prove. That's more my style." He moved closer to her in the small alcove, moving the pile of books to the other side of him. "Besides, exams are a piece of cake. I'm not worried about it."

She had made an error in disengaging Sirius from his own work. He now seemed more interested in distracting her, pulling her a little closer and kissing her. She tried to pull away once, protesting feebly about her studying, but she never got very far with her protests when it came to him.

Her little hiding spot was behind a heavy velvet curtain set in a deep alcove with a window that overlooked the castle grounds. It had taken her a long time to find this secret hiding spot and while it had initially been to avoid friends and others for some quiet time alone, it had quickly become hers and Sirius's meeting spot so they could have spare time together. During OWL exams, it was easy to explain away why the two of them were constantly missing from the common room at the same time. Nobody seemed interested in what anyone else was doing aside to ask them how many hours of studying they were putting in per week.

Of course, studying was not always the prime focus when they met in the tower.

Sirius made it easy to forget about studying and books in those heated moments. They had been toeing the line of common decency lately, one or two buttons coming undone occasionally, their bodies perhaps a bit too close, and oftentimes only having a thin layer of clothing separating them. That had been becoming more and more of a frustration point even for Lily, who was feeling the burn of desire and hunger more intensely than ever during those encounters. Sirius was more skilled in withdrawing, in not letting it escalate further or to allow temptation to go beyond that. She was unsure what held him back, but was always thankful for his gentlemanly behavior, even when she knew she was purposely making it difficult for him.

This time, she was able to disentangle herself and was perusing his parchment, hoping the blush in her cheeks had faded somewhat. "What is this for?" she asked him, tucking her hair behind her ear. He had drawn a leg up, slinging an arm over it casually. He tilted his head, peering down at the parchment he had been scribbling on earlier.

"Oh, just some calculations for a thing I'm making," he said rather casually. "I've nearly got it, actually. It's just dialing in some of the finer details in the alchemical properties for the spell and once that's done, it'll be perfect." He took the piece of parchment from her, a self-satisfied smile on his lips. "I should have it done by next year, if I'm really lucky. The mapping part will take the longest."

"Mapping?" Lily cast him a quizzical look.

He hesitated, seeming unsure if he had said too much, and then shrugged almost to himself. "It's a map. James and I are making a map of Hogwarts. It will track every secret passageway in and out of Hogwarts that we've discovered over the years and will show who is in the castle at all times. That's the tricky piece of magic that we're still fine-tuning, which is what these are for. We need the right calculations in the spell-binding in order for it to accurately read where someone is at. But the mapping will take forever. Remembering all the secret tunnels, putting down all the hallways. It's going to be a nightmare, but entirely worth it. Think of what future students could do with this."

"That's what you're making it for? Future students?"

"Of course. We'll be graduated in two years. It won't do us any good. The idea was that one of our kids would get it and hopefully raise hell."

She shook her head, laughing in disbelief. "You really are dedicated to creating chaos, Sirius." She glanced at his calculations again. "But honestly...that's brilliant. That's way beyond Hogwarts-level magic. I can't believe you two are making something like that."

"Well, James, Remus, and I are," he said, feeling the need to give his other friend some benefit. "We do have a habit of wasting good talent, don't we?"

"Not wasting," she corrected him with a smile. "Think of it more like...practice."

He barked out a laugh. "Leave it to you to put a Lily spin on it." His smile faded somewhat as he looked at the parchment and for a brief second, his expression clouded over. "It was easier when Remus was helping with the calculations."

"Is he not anymore? I've noticed he hasn't been around you guys much."

He sighed and set the parchment aside, dragging a hand through his hair. "No, he's...not a fan of us right now."

Lily watched as he picked up one of her books and flipped through it idly, sensing that the subject of Remus had become a sensitive one. She had noticed a long time ago, of course, that the fourth member of their tightly-knit group had been absent from them for longer than usual. She knew that he was sickly and would have to leave monthly for treatments, but she had spotted him alone either in the library or on the other end of the Gryffindor table during meals, far from James, Sirius, and Peter. Lily had timidly said hello to him a few times and while his smile had been as gentle as ever, there was a distinct aloofness behind his eyes when his gaze strayed to his group of friends. Lily had not felt it was her place to poke her nose into Remus's business when, out of all of the boys in the group, he was the one she knew least about.

"He's seemed kind of angry," she said tentatively. "Did something happen?"

Sirius said nothing, continuing to flip through the book. She waited several seconds, but he neither raised his gaze nor gave any indication that he intended to answer. Taking it as a sign that he was unwilling to discuss it with her, she picked up her notes and straightened the parchment, trying to find the place where she had stopped before Sirius had interrupted her.

"I don't know if I should tell you," he abruptly spoke after several minutes had passed. It took Lily a few seconds to rouse herself from goblin rebellions to recall what she had asked prior to returning to studying. "It has to do with Snape."

"Oh." Her gaze dropped back down to her notes, briefly considering whether she could just continue studying and pretend that she had not heard him. Somehow, she thought that would be rather rude.

"He was being a prat," Sirius continued, "and we pulled a prank on him that almost got him killed. Remus didn't know about it and has been pissed ever since. James was the one that saved Snape – he has a better conscience than I do."

"But you didn't mean to get him hurt," Lily said.

Sirius wouldn't look at her and there was something in his dark eyes that made her heart sink. True, she had always known there was a fierce dislike between his group and Snape, but she never would have thought that they would be tempted into murdering one another. If she were honest with herself, however, she had seen some of the spells that Snape had thrown at either James or Sirius and knew that some of them certainly could be fatal, especially some of the invented ones.

"I don't think I would've cared," Sirius admitted quietly after a moment. "That might make me a bad person, but I know that if he had the chance, he would do the same to me or James."

"You don't feel that way just because of me...right?"

"No." Sirius stirred from his thoughts and raised his eyes to her, smiling a bit grimly. "I'd feel that way about anyone planning to join the Death Eaters after school. The whole lot of them can die an early death."

Lily's brow furrowed and she released a small sigh, pushing her notes aside and pulling her legs up to her chest. She would have been lying if she had said that she was not worried about the increasing popularity of the Death Eaters. As a Muggle-born herself, she knew that her own life would be at risk if they came to power in the Ministry, but more importantly, she worried for the future because of their influence. It was easy to be caught in frivolities during school because it felt insulated from the real world. The Dailey Prophet's continued press of the Death Eaters was anxiety-producing, true, but it did not feel real. She did not recognize the names in the paper when it spoke of deaths and Ministry officials. She feared a world where she would begin to see classmates' names in the paper, where Slytherins would show up under the ranks of Death Eaters and they would be recognizable as they tried to kill her simply for being a Muggle-born. It was a frightening, yet very real possibility.

"Severus would never tell me if he was planning to do that," she told Sirius quietly. "When he's with me, outside of school, he was always a different person. It's hard for me to see the bad in him."

"You're too nice, Lily."

"It's not that." She shook her head. "Severus was my first friend when I discovered I was a witch. He taught me everything I knew about the magical world, was my first friend at Hogwarts, and – well..."

"Your first crush," Sirius finished for her. She glanced at him uneasily, but there was only a wry look on his face. She had expected jealousy or perhaps irritation and had to remind herself that Sirius was not like Severus, who would get jealous if another boy would so much as talk to her for too long during class. "Pretty normal, when you think about it. Don't a lot of people get crushes on childhood friends?"

"Did you have a childhood friend?"

"Only if you count my brother, Regulus," Sirius said with a laugh. "He's a cute kid and sure, my family's got some incest going on, but I like girls." He paused a beat, peering out the window thoughtfully. "I get what you're trying to say, Lily, but people change and Snape's in too deep."

Her stomach clenched uncomfortably. "What do you mean?"

"Most of my family are huge supporters of the Dark Arts," Sirius explained. "Until me, every last one of them was a Slytherin. My dear old mum is obsessed with collecting nasty little relics that would kill a Muggle if they so much as touch them. Regulus turned out alright for a Slytherin, but our mum's got him all twisted around her finger, so he's constantly trying to live up to her expectations since I turned out to be such a disgrace to our so-called noble heritage." He laughed darkly. "Those are the type of people Snape's hanging around, though. All they care about is your blood status, how old your family is, and the Dark Arts."

"He still tries to be a good person, though," Lily said with a frown. "You even said yourself that your brother is alright."

"Trying to be a good person in the background doesn't mean you are a good person. I know your personality type – you would have called him out on it by now. Has he said that he would change?"

Lily opened her mouth to protest and then paused, recalling the last conversation she had with Severus.

"Lily...I'm sorry. I really am."

"Then why aren't you doing anything to fix it?"

"I can't. I can't fix it."

The pain of that memory was still very raw for her. It was not just that she had lost her friend or a potential lover, but something more frightening. The path that Severus had chosen was a dangerous one and, like Sirius had said, he had travelled too far down it to retrieve him. She still saw the shy, awkward boy in him that she had met as a kid. At the same time, she had seen the malevolence and his capacity for being cruel. It was that side of him that frightened her.

"No," she conceded at last.

"I haven't met one Slytherin that doesn't support the Death Eaters," Sirius said, "and according to Regulus, all of the ones here are looking forward to joining them when they're out of school."

Lily pulled her legs a little closer to her chest and rested her chin against the tops of her knees. "It's just scary to think about," she said softly. "I'm a Muggle-born, so if Severus ever became a Death Eater..." She trailed off unable to finish the thought.

The two of them fell silent, Sirius gazing out the window while she stared across from her at the stone wall. She had not expected a conversation about Remus to end up delving into Severus, Death Eaters, and current politics. Through the few conversations she had with Sirius in regards to things in The Dailey Prophet, she knew he felt strongly about the anti-Muggle sentiment going around the Ministry. He did not like to discuss his family life in too much detail, but would make sarcastic remarks about his family and their love of all things related to the Dark Arts. He did tend to speak more pleasantly about Regulus and she had seen the two of them interacting from time to time in the corridors, so she knew he held some regard still for his brother, at least.

Even so, the topic would always put him in a brooding mood, so she had avoided discussing it too closely with him. It often reminded her of Severus, who would not even give a full sentence's worth in regards to his own family. To this day, she still knew nothing more about his parents other than they seemed to get into many fights. As for Sirius, she was not even sure if his father was still alive, as he only referenced his mother and always in a scathing tone.

"I give up," she announced with a sigh, beginning to collect her things. "All this talk about Death Eaters has got me out of the mood for studying." She had just piled in the remainder of her books when Sirius looked up from the window and rubbed his face briskly. He collected his things, as well, but did not move to leave the alcove.

"Come here for a second," he said, ushering her over. She hesitated, thinking that she was not much in the mood for another make out session, but upon closer inspection, passion did not seem to be on Sirius's mind, either. As she drew closer, he pulled her between his knees so her back was against his chest and wrapped his arms around her shoulders. Initially, she felt the burn of heat spread up her neck, hyper aware of where her body was pressed against his, but he seemed oblivious to her discomfort. After a few seconds, she relaxed back against him where he leaned his chin against the top of her head.

He's so warm, she mused, smiling slightly to herself.

"What are your plans for the summer, Lily?" Sirius murmured into her hair.

"I don't know," she replied. "Why?"

"You should come see me in London." She felt her stomach do a giddy little swoop at the suggestion and hoped that he could not feel how fast and hard her heart had begun to beat. "I'd come see you, but, you know, not trying to get killed."

She laughed, recognizing the joke for what it was. "Well...maybe I will."

"I'd like that." He paused and she felt him shift, his grip tightening ever so slightly and then felt him press his face against her shoulder.

Neither of them spoke, both seeming to doze off briefly, comfortable in the embrace. When Lily snapped back awake, she checked her watch and gasped, jerking forward. This alarmed Sirius so badly that his head went sailing backwards, cracking against the stone wall. He swore violently, grasping his head and leaning to the side in pain.

"S-sorry!" she managed, reaching out to touch his hand in apology. "It's almost midnight! I have to get back up to Gryffindor Tower."

"Fine, fine," he said grumpily. "Go on ahead. I'll follow after. Wait a minute – "

Lily had just grabbed her bag and was making to rush off when Sirius caught her wrist, halting her from pushing open the heavy curtain. Quickly, he leaned forward and pressed a chaste kiss to her lips before releasing her.

"G'night," he said with a grin.

"'Night," she answered breathlessly, smiling in return.

Sirius caught sight of Remus's familiar figure heading down a staircase and released a sigh to himself. He had given Remus his space, knowing that trying to pressure him into being friendly would get nowhere. He was nothing if not stubborn. Out of all of them, James was the only one that Remus was willing to talk with and even then it was sparingly. Wormtail had devised his own angle, which was aggressively apologizing to Remus into aggravation. Sirius, being just as headstrong as his friend, had not even bothered to approach him. After his conversation with Lily, though, he wondered whether enough time had passed.

He knew that he selfishly put his own anger and vengeance before Remus and had more than one night of poor sleep to torture himself at being so irresponsible and immature; oftentimes, he would irritably put the blame on Snape and when he was feeling particularly moody, he would put it on Lily or James for getting him wrapped up in the lot of them. That momentary lapse always made him feel more guilty, though, and he would be left staring up at the four-poster bed until dawn began to creep into the corners of the boy's dormitory. He knew without needing to think too deeply on it that it was a flaw in his own character that made him sink to Snape's level, an edge of malice in him that he was resentfully aware had been bred into him by his family.

As he had the night when it had happened, he always repeated his promise not to let a girl drive him into that mindset again. He would follow the path of his family members – he would be better than them.

Picking up the speed of his pace a bit, he caught up to Remus at the bottom of the staircase where he clasped him on the shoulder, startling the other male.

"We need to talk," Sirius told him, pulling him away from the crowds of students towards a dark alcove beneath another staircase. Albeit reluctantly, Remus complied, allowing himself to be led away from the stream of other students. "Look – "

"Don't you think I've heard enough apologies for one semester?" Remus interrupted exasperatedly.

"Then why aren't you talking to me?"

"I'm not looking for an apology. I want an explanation."

Sirius frowned. "Didn't James already give you an explanation?"

"I want your explanation, Sirius."

There was a shrewd look in Remus's eyes that instantly put him on edge. There was no way that Remus would know that he had been sneaking around with Lily. He had been too careful to make sure he was never followed, although given Snape's discovery of them, it would not have surprised him to discover he had made a mistake at some point. And, as trustworthy as he knew Remus would be, he could not find it in him to admit at what he had been doing. It was not as if he was luring her into cheating on his best friend – neither of them were even dating! – but something about it still felt akin to it, reeking of shame.

Instead, he opted for honesty – or as much of it that he could divulge. "If I tell you, then it's between us. I don't want James and Wormtail to know about it."

"Alright. Go ahead, then."

Sirius hesitated a beat and then said, "Part of me really wanted Snape dead. I didn't think you'd eat him or anything, but maybe he'd get his leg mangled up, then he'd bleed out and die or he'd eventually turn into a werewolf and his life would be ruined. I know," he added upon seeing the horrified expression, "that's a rotten thing to wish on someone. Being friends with you, I know that life as a werewolf isn't easy or good."

"What in the world has got you hating him this bad? You've always disliked him, but this is on another level even for you."

"I can't tell you everything," Sirius admitted. "I ran into him after detention one night and he said some shit I didn't like. It rubbed me off the wrong way. I didn't think it'd bother me so much. I did end up saving him, though. I have a conscience, you know."

"Not because of that," Remus said quietly, his brow puckering. "I can tell in your face it wasn't because of him. You were worried about me."

"Well, yeah. Obviously."

"But if he'd died...you wouldn't have cared. If it had been something else – "

"You want me to be a good guy and say that I'd feel bad, but I wouldn't," Sirius cut in tersely. "I know you want me to say that and I can't. That wanker is the one of the worst pieces of slime – "

"Sirius," Remus sighed.

"Just listen to me! With how he is now in school, how do you think he's going to be out in the real world? Everybody knows he wants to join the Death Eaters."

"You're starting to sound like James." Remus rubbed the back of his neck, looking away. "He says that a lot about him and the other Slytherins. I get it. That's looking a lot further into the future than I'd like and making a lot of assumptions. Why are you two wanting to punish people for something they're not even doing yet? Have you ever thought that the way you're treating them if giving them a reason to go on that path?"

"They're already on it!" Sirius said in disgust, throwing his hands up. "I'm not over here wanting any random person dead!"

"Quiet!" Remus hissed, glancing around anxiously.

The two of them fell silent a beat, with Sirius gazing across at his frown with a frown pulling his mouth down. Unlike James or Peter, Remus had accepted his explanation without too many prodding questions. Sirius was sure that he knew something else was happening behind the scenes in his life and while he was sure Remus was smart enough to determine it, he wanted to hold onto the hope that he had been clever enough in keeping his attachment to Lily a secret. The problem was that, even if Remus knew, he would never say as much. Of all of them, he had learned to keep his own counsel the best. He was not one to gossip, even amongst friends.

"I'm sorry, okay?" Sirius said at last in a lower voice. "I know you said you don't want to hear an apology, but I still want to say 'sorry.' I don't want to always be fighting like this. You know how I feel about the Slytherins and those that are involved in the Dark Arts. At least give me a break about it."

"I'm giving you a break," Remus replied. "All I'm asking is that you don't involve me."

"Fine, done," Sirius hastily answered. "I won't."

Remus still appeared troubled as he looked at Sirius. The hall was beginning to empty out as students arrived at their classes. A few stragglers wandered up the stairs, chatting to each other in a group, leaving only the two boys in the vast hallway together. They were both late for History of Magic, but this conversation was much more important just then and they doubted their ghostly professor would even notice.

"When we leave Hogwarts, I won't question what you and James do if Snape does become a Death Eater," Remus said at last. "For right now, though...we're in school, you know? We're just kids. We should enjoy this time while we can." Sirius released a slight, bitter laugh. "I'm sorry, mate. Maybe 'kids' isn't the right word. I sure don't feel like it. To everyone else, though, that's what we are. We don't get these years forever. I'd be happy if the only stressful thing I had to think about is my exams and the full moon." A grim smile lit his features. "Sometimes, I don't want to read The Dailey Prophet and know what's going on out there."

"'Ignorance is bliss' and all, huh?" Sirius gave him a rueful smile. "And what about when Snape tries to throw that fun little nonverbal spell of his at us?"

"I'm not going to pretend that he hasn't been out for blood lately. I just wish I knew what you'd done to make him that way."

"Having detention with Lily, apparently."

"You haven't flirted with her in front of him, have you?"

Alarmed, Sirius glanced at him. "What gives you that idea?"

"I just know how you are with girls, Sirius."

"I'm not James." He scowled at him. "But enough of this, alright? I'll stop talking about Death Eaters if you stop talking about that."

"Fair exchange," Remus said with a faint smile that faded momentarily. "Are you really that worried about what happens after Hogwarts?"

"I'm worried about what happens when I go home for holidays, Remus," Sirius grimly stated. "My mother thinks its sport to kidnap a Muggle and dangle them over our dinner table for a morbid soiree event."

Remus winced. "Right. I'd forgotten about that. Sorry."

"But yes, to answer your question, I'm worried – for everyone. It feels like a war is coming."

"All the more reason to focus on the now," Remus said bracingly, giving him a pat on the back. "I never imagined I'd have friends when I came to Hogwarts. For right now, I just want to spend time with my friends and then, if things are serious when we graduate, then I guess that's what happens. It's better to make memories at Hogwarts while we're safe – something to remember if worst comes to worst."

Sirius was watching a first-year trudge down the stairs appearing tearful. She was wiping her face and sniffling. Upon catching sight of them in the alcove, she hastily ran to the doors and broke through them, nearly toppling a professor over as she did so. The professor shouted after her angrily before righting his hat and continuing inside, grumbling under his breath. He was reminded of their first four years at Hogwarts, of terrorizing the professors, and of all the girls that would rage and cry at James when they broke up. All of his best memories were here at Hogwarts and now, this year, his memories were full of Lily – of seeing her cry, making her laugh in delight at Slughorn's party, and pulling her a little more out of her shell, seeing a little more of that fire and sass. He wanted more of those memories with her and more of those with his friends.

Remus had a point. These days were fleeting. Already, they were nearing the end of their fifth year. The months went by quickly, far faster than he would have ever expected, and none of them knew what was going to happen when they graduated.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed at last, "you're right. But hey, that's quite the story to remember, isn't it? All of us nearly getting expelled and killing a student?"

"Too soon, Padfoot," Remus said warningly.

"Ah, well...we'll all laugh about it someday." Sirius checked his watch. "Should we even bother trying to go to History of Magic today or just head up to the common room?"

"It's a bust now, I think. I could use some extra study time, anyway."

The two of them headed out of the tower, towards the castle. As they crossed the grounds to the central area of the castle, a familiar figure was crossing from the castle and waved at them. Sirius smiled upon recognizing his brother as he drew nearer.

"Skipping class again, Sirius?" Regulus asked good-naturedly.

"Only for good intentions," Sirius reassured him. "What are you doing all the way out here, anyway?"

"Looking for Camilla. She's been pissed at me all day, no idea what I did to her. I figured she was probably at the astronomy tower."

"Camilla?" Remus repeated blankly.

"His girlfriend," Sirius explained. "She's a sixth-year Slytherin. Regulus likes the older girls, apparently."

"More like they like me," Regulus said, laughing. "It helps to be on the Quidditch team! But I'm glad I ran into you, you got a minute?"

"Yeah, I guess. I'll see you up there, Remus."

Remus nodded and waved to Regulus, who returned it with his own jaunty wave. The two of them watched Remus make his way towards the castle for a few moments before Sirius turned to look at his younger brother.

"I'm surprised at you," Regulus said, his gaze shifting towards a black creature that flew over the Forbidden Forest and then disappeared back into its trees. "You're stirring up at a lot of trouble all by yourself this year. I heard you almost got expelled."

"Yeah? From who, Snape?"

"Well, yes." Regulus turned to him with a guilty smile. "He didn't say what happened, only that you tried killing him outside the castle and got caught by the teachers. He's getting all the Slytherins riled up against you. You should be careful around him, Sirius."

"I thought I already was."

Regulus hesitated a moment, running a hand through his hair idly. "Not sure what you did to him, but he's really got it out for you – well, our whole family recently. He's been trying to hex me in the hallways." He laughed, dropping his hand. "It was kind of a pleasant surprise. I got a little taste of your life. He was too much of a coward to do it in front of the other Slytherins, though. Tried to catch me in the loo, if you can believe it."

He smiled warmly at Sirius, causing a rush of affection to surge forward for his younger brother. They were both charming in their own ways, but Regulus had always had the pleasant, unaffected charm that was well-liked by his peers and teachers alike. He was difficult to dislike, even if one was in a different House. He had played by the rules and from what Sirius could see, he was on his way to being both Prefect and Head Boy at the rate he was going. Even though they were only two years apart in school and three years apart in age, Regulus had always idolized Sirius to some extent and Sirius, in turn, had always been secretly envious of how easy everything was for his younger brother. He wished he could have just gone along with what their mother wanted like Regulus did. He knew that Regulus did not agree with most of what happened in their home, but he had always been a better follower than he was a leader. It was also why he tended to lean towards pacificism rather than confrontation like Sirius.

That Regulus, while playing the part of the loyal Slytherin, would go out of his way to give a warning to him was a reminder of why Sirius still went home each summer. The times spent with his brother were fond memories and he was willing to stomach the resentment for his mother if it meant being able to spend time with Regulus. He knew how much it meant to his brother to have those moments together. House politics aside, they were family first and Sirius often felt that of the two of them, Regulus had been the better brother.

"Trust me, you don't want it," Sirius said with a wry smile. "Imagine what our poor old mum would say if you got detention. She'd be scandalized."

Regulus grimaced uncomfortably. "Don't talk about her that way, you know she's just old-fashioned."

"The amount of excuses you make for that woman is alarming, Reg. By the way, what's the plan this summer? Do you know if she's going on that trip to Italy or not?"

"You're not going?" Regulus asked with surprise.

"I was thinking of staying in London instead," Sirius answered evasively. "I was going to use the townhome."

"What in the world for? That hasn't been used since dad died."

"Exactly. No surprise visitors, either."

"You mean your girlfriends that keep calling, looking for you?"

"They're not my girlfriends, they're idiots that thought getting a kiss from me at a party meant they had it in the bag or something. They're just a bunch of gold-diggers."

"Be honest, Sirius," Regulus dryly said, crossing his arms, "how many of those girls did you sleep with? You might as well have gotten something more out of it than a kiss."

Sirius barked out a laugh. "You sound like every horny teenager in this castle. Only one, and thank God she doesn't come calling otherwise I wouldn't ever come home."

"You might as well be a virgin at that rate," Regulus teased. "Well, anyway, I guess I could send Kreacher over to clean up the old townhome before end of term. I'm not going to miss a chance to go to Italy. With the ways things are going with Camilla, I might end up being single by the time I'm there. I wouldn't mind a beautiful Italian witch as company for my summer holiday."

"Better make sure she's a pureblood before you even entertain the idea."

Regulus released a wistful sigh. "I'd rather Camilla not be so jealous instead so that she can come on the trip."

"That was a quick change of pace – from looking forward to being single to not wanting it all in the same breath."

"Better to have a positive outlook on it," Regulus told him. "Anyway, I'd better go find her. Like I said, keep an eye out for Snape. I'll see you around."

As Regulus made to pass him, Sirius halted him with a hand on his arm. "Hey – if Snape keeps giving you a hard time, let me know, will you?"

Regulus eyed him thoughtfully for a moment and then smiled. "Only if you promise we get to duel him together."

"Easily done." Sirius grinned and waved a finger in farewell. "Good luck with Camilla."

"Thanks."

After leaving Regulus to deal with his relationship troubles, Sirius made his way towards the castle, his mind lingering on his own. He had invited Lily to visit him in London, but had not thought of the portraits that were loyal to his mother in the mansion or Kreacher, the annoying house elf that he suspected would find a way to snitch on him even if he gave him a direct command not to divulge any secrets to his mother. The townhome was the best alternative and, as he had told Regulus, he could avoid the unwelcome guests that would often pay Grimmauld Place a visit in the summer. Regulus would not tell Kreacher it was for Sirius and the townhome had remained forgotten since their father's death by their mother. The discovery after his death that he had been having an affair with a witch there earlier in his parents' marriage had caused his mother to refuse to even set foot in the place, let alone even acknowledge it existed. Sirius had always suspected the witch must have been Muggle-born, otherwise someone in the other wizarding families would have known of it.

It seemed fitting that Sirius would be using it to sneak around with Lily, yet the more he had thought on the possibility of seeing her over the summer, the more his mind began to wander in unsavory areas. He had not thought he could feel nervous with a girl, but began to wonder what she would expect from such a visit. To him, it had been a way of spending time with her without the involvement of school, friends, or family, yet he wondered if she had imagined it to be an invitation of sorts for something else. If it had been any other girl, he knew they would have seen it as a contrived way of setting up a personal space to take things to the next level.

She wouldn't think that, he told himself as he meandered up the stone staircase towards Gryffindor tower. She's a virgin and I'm practically the first guy she's done anything with. She's not ready for that.

Even as he said it, he doubted his own inner dialogue. At times, he had sensed a sort of recklessness in her when she was with him, a little less caution, and in those moments he had been sure that she was ready to take such a step with him. The reality was that he was terrified. There was an expectation on him that, as the more experienced of the two, he knew what he was doing when it came to that. His experiences with the girl from last summer had been a blur, though, and he found it hard to recall anything from then, as if his mind had been suppressing the memory altogether. The sensation of touch and feeling with Lily was still new to him and every time he kissed her, his body reacted so quickly that it had taken every ounce of willpower to control himself.

Outside of that, going that far with her felt like he would be crossing another line, taking something even further from James than he already had stolen. It was irrational, he knew, but it was a thought that lingered in the back of his mind. It was only ever something that occurred to him when he was with James, a sly whisper that crept into his thoughts when he was least expecting it.

When he was with Lily, though, not even that thought could break through to him.

Stop it, he scolded himself as he entered the common room and spotted Remus deep into his study notes. You're overthinking it like a damn girl. What happens happens. Stop thinking about it so much.

This blasé thought, however, did not ease his mind much.