A/N: Hogwarts Legacy seems to have spurred some additional inspiration for this story. I've also done a little editing on the prologue and minor changes in other chapters that I've re-uploaded - nothing major, just consistency errors and altering the dynamics of the relationship a tad. I ended up deciding to change the rating, as well. I was going to keep it at T and it did stay there up until this chapter, where things get a little spicy, so to be safe I upgraded it to M. Might as well lean into the spice levels if they're there!
(Chapter Thirteen)
Lily caught sight of Oscar Matthews heading towards where she was sitting with Alice and Marlene at the Gryffindor table and had to still herself from grimacing. She had not been back in Hogsmeade since the first weekend, explaining it away as wanting to study for OWLs. This had worked for the most part, allowing her the luxury of avoiding the eventual encounter. Now that they were only a couple weeks away from the exams, she was not so sure he would readily accept that excuse this time. Not that she had been lying. Most of her time spent away from Gryffindor tower had been for studying, even if there were some other non-academic interests that had inserted itself into those study sessions.
"Hey," Oscar said with a smile, sliding in between her and Marlene, who was occupied with The Dailey Prophet. She glanced up distractedly and then openly stared at the back of Oscar's head before arching a questioning brow towards Lily, who ignored her. "How's studying been?"
"Good," she answered. "How about for you?"
"I'm feeling pretty good!" He moved in a little closer, an earnest look on his face as he lowered his voice. She shifted away from him and, in an effort to cover up the act, she made a show of brushing away some crumbs from the table. "I don't suppose you could make a little time this weekend?"
"Oh, well..."
As she tucked her hair behind her ear, her eyes slid down the table towards where James and his friends were sitting. James had enchanted a paper plane as a target while he and Sirius took turns aiming at it with the reducto spell. As James took a well-aimed shot at it, sending the plane several feet in the air, she caught Sirius glancing over at her through the corner of her eye. She hastily looked towards the window before their eyes met. Yes, she knew that she liked Sirius and he reciprocated, but their association was still secret. She was unsure where that left them, whether she should be entertaining the company of other guys or if he would be doing the same.
It occurred to her that the topic had never come up. She had been wanting to keep it secret because of Severus and she knew that he did not want James to feel like he had stolen a girl from him, but a trickle of doubt began to creep into her mind. Sirius could have had any girl in the entire castle – was he just ashamed of being with her? And was she, in turn, embarrassed? No one would have expected her to be dating one of the "bad boys" of their year, let alone the best friend of James Potter. After all, even her friends would have expected her to settle with one of the good boys – boys like Oscar Matthews.
Shaking the invasive thoughts away, she looked away from the window and smiled at Oscar, realizing that he was still looking at her with that expectant expression.
"Sorry," she said, "I got distracted. Sure, let's do that. I think I'm pretty well prepared for exams by now."
"Excellent!" He beamed at her and then gave her an unexpected squeeze of her hand. "I'll meet you in the courtyard at ten then, sound good?"
"Sounds great."
Oscar rose from the table, his chest puffed out a little bit in pride. Marlene was watching him walk away with a mystified expression, even as Lily released a sigh to herself.
"What's that all about?" Marlene whispered, scooting closer to her with a thrilled smile on her lips. "You and Oscar? Hottie, much?" She waved a hand, snickering towards Alice, who was laughing under her breath across the table.
"Stop it," Lily muttered, embarrassed. She glanced again and this time, Sirius had turned his head fully to look at her. There was a thoughtful look on his face, but instead he subtly nodded his chin towards something behind her. Puzzled, she turned around to see what he was indicating.
Oscar was making his way down the table, towards where his group of friends was sitting and as he did, James's paper plane ran straight into the side of his head. Batting one hand, Oscar made to grab at it with his other hand, but it drifted just out of reach.
"Oi, all right there, Matthews?" James called out to him with a smirk. "Looks like your Charms could use some work."
It was clear that James was using his usual tactic of harassment to bother him, but perhaps surprisingly, Oscar seemed unbothered when he took notice of the attacker. He smoothed his blonde hair back into place, shaking his head.
"Jealousy's not a good look on you," Oscar told him with a dry smile.
The paper plane rose and it was clear that James intended to send it towards Oscar's head again. Oscar flexed his hand to grab at his wand. Before he was given a chance, however, Lily raised her own behind him while the boys were distracted.
"Bombarda," she whispered and, with a wave of her wand, the little plane exploded into little pieces from the air, catching the attention of several students that looked around in surprise. James looked around, confused, until he caught Lily laying her wand back down. "You should mind your own business."
James grinned, unabashed. "And you should be careful who you go on dates with."
"I could say the same for you," she retorted coolly. He stiffened and his gaze flickered to Marlene in alarm. She gave a small, self-satisfied smile. If annoying the student body was his hobby, then putting James Potter in his place had become one of hers over the years. She was getting quite exasperated with his interference in her life, whether it be with Severus, Sirius, or even Oscar. Whether he would accurately determine that she was aware of Marlene would be up to him. Out of respect for Marlene, she would not openly ridicule him for it.
"Blimey, give it a rest, Potter," Oscar said, laughing. "Everyone knows that you're not serious about any girl you go after."
"And you do?" James shot back. "Since when have you been interested in Lily, anyway?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Sirius drawled lazily from beside him, inspecting his wand with an air of ennui. "He thinks he's got a shot without Snape in the picture. He's too much of a melt to face Snape – probably afraid he'd get hexed to death."
"What'd you call me?" Oscar demanded, bristling.
"You heard me." Sirius looked up from his wand.
"I'm not afraid of that whey-faced Slytherin! I'd duel him any day!"
"Really? Then go challenge him. Let's see it."
The colour drained out of Oscar's handsome face and he sent a quick, sidelong look to Lily. She merely stared back at him, feeling an icy cold wash down from her shoulders to her stomach. It was as if someone had just performed a Disillusionment Charm on her. His casual question about Severus during their date at the Three Broomsticks came more clearly to her mind – the too-casual air about it, the quick way he moved away from the topic, how he laughed it off. She had disliked the question at the time because she felt that everyone was associating her with Severus. She had never considered boys would be afraid to ask her out for fear of being jinxed or hexed by him.
And why didn't Sirius tell me? she wondered to herself. Why wouldn't he have said that was why Oscar asked me out?
Of course, she already knew the answer to that. Unlike James, he was not one to butt into her business. He might have voiced his opinion about Severus to her, but he had always shown enough respect to her to not meddle into her affairs outside of that. He had never been one to try and control her. It was one of the things that she had appreciated in him.
"I don't need to prove anything to you, Black," Oscar said at last.
"Didn't say you did," Sirius replied amiably. "You were the one that said you'd duel him. Wouldn't have taken you for the type to be afraid of a boy that's malnourished and mental."
"That's not – I don't need to explain myself to you! And for the record, I don't date and drop girls like Potter does – I have standards."
"Well," Lily coldly spoke up before either Sirius or James could say anything, "I wouldn't want you to lower your standards for me just because my childhood friend is in Slytherin." She stood up and shot a dirty look towards Oscar and James. "I get pretty sick of listening to how all of you talk like I'm not even here. You're the most misogynistic lot I've ever met."
"I was trying to help!" James protested in outrage.
"Don't!" she snapped. "Nobody asked for your idea of help!"
"You're making some pretty rotten decisions, you know. First, a Slytherin, now – "
Surprising even herself, she exploded, "Who cares about that? Does the color of your emblem suddenly determine what type of person you are? All you and Severus talk about are Houses and I'm tired of hearing about it! Why does it matter who I've associated with and what does it have to do with you, James Potter? Let me make it plain and clear – I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth, so just keep your nose out of my business, already!"
"Miss Evans!" Professor McGonagall had come rushing down to Gryffindor table upon Lily shouting across the table at a stunned James. Oscar was standing awkwardly between them, seeming momentarily paralyzed in the wake of Lily's anger. Even Marlene and Alice looked cowed, sinking back a bit. "What on earth are you shouting about?"
Lily heaved a deep breath and then calmly answered, "Nothing, professor."
"It can't have been nothing. You're making quite the display!"
"With all due respect, I'd rather not say."
"That time of the month," Sirius offered, causing both Lily and Professor McGonagall's heads to snap around to look at him. He grinned cheekily back at them. "The girls should be allowed a few shouting matches a year, professor, don't you think?"
"Don't be absurd," Professor McGonagall said curtly. "And twenty points from Gryffindor – you, Miss Evans, for shouting and you, Black, for your ridiculous notions of female hormones. The way you fifth-year students are heading, we're going to be in last place for the House Cup." She cast a last, suspicious look towards Lily and then swept back up towards the table.
Sirius's grin turned into a smirk when Lily met his eyes. He clearly had an intention to distract Professor McGonagall and it had worked.
"Well, uh, I'll see you around," Oscar said, still appearing deeply uncomfortable to be talking to an enraged girl. He hastened his way towards his friends, all of whom were staring at him inquiringly.
Lily did not wait for James or her friends to speak. She had taken a hold of her school bag and shot a hasty, "Bye," to Marlene and Alice as she fled the Great Hall. She ignored Alice's feeble attempt at calling her back. There was still an angry pounding against her temples and by the time she had found a quiet, private place to stop, angry tears were pressing against her eyelids. On the wall above the bench, a woman spun around in a ballgown in the portrait. Her partner, a smartly dressed, tall man slid in and out of the portrait to appreciate her dancing.
"...wanna-be Death Eater's slut."
Mathilde's insult from the beginning of the year echoed in her ears as she fell heavily onto the stone bench, dropping her school bag beside her and turning her back on the dancing couple. She pinched the bridge of her nose, breathing out a slow stream of air to prevent herself from crying. That first insult had changed everything this year from her perception of Severus to her relationship with him. It had made an opening in her heart that, unexpectedly, Sirius had filled.
She was not angry at James for interfering in her dating Oscar or even that Oscar had chosen to wait until he had thought Severus was out of the way to ask her on a date. She was frustrated with both Severus and James for getting in the way of what she wanted now. Even when she was trying to make her own path, somehow her past decisions with Severus were holding her back. She doubted he would ever see reason when it came to Sirius and it pained her that so much of her school life had been defined by their friendship only for it to end so horrifically. Now that she was trying to be herself and to just live for herself, it seemed like so many people were trying to tell her what to do, even her own friends.
But I can't even do that, she gloomily thought. I don't want to date other guys or to constantly have to defend Severus against James or other people in my House. I just want to be happy.
With Sirius, a little voice added in the back of her head.
She was too tired to argue against it. Yes, with Sirius. He made her happy, opened her to a new realm of adventure and excitement that she would have been too cowardly to pursue on her own. Even though she had always admired Marlene for her spirit, she had never had the confidence to allow that side of herself out. With Sirius, it had been easy. He could coax her into a fiery debate, unearth a passionate side of her that she been trying to suppress. She felt inspired when he dove into deep, intellectual topics and seemed so utterly comfortable in his own skin. It was easy to get caught up in his adventurous spirit, to be willing to bend the rules a little with him. It was exciting, thrilling, and somehow even their small, personal moments made her heart race. Whereas she never would have considered intimacy with a boy before marriage, now she could only think of that in those brief, fiery minutes together.
Lily was not stupid, either. She knew it was not as simple as a fling or liking the bad boy. She had fallen hard for Sirius at some point during all their secret rendezvous over the past months and had even come to accept it in her heart. It was not the type of love she had experienced with Severus, which had been warm and comfortable, cozy like one's home at Christmas. With Sirius, it was a burning, intense emotional and physical desire, the need to satisfy and be satisfied. It was an abstraction, one that she could not quite place in her library of experienced feelings.
It should have reassured her to understand all of that, to know why she had been so angry in the Great Hall, but instead she only felt weary and a little empty. She felt like so many of the girls that would pine after James and Sirius – going for the boys that seemed impossible to obtain. Of all of them, she had the rotten luck of falling for the hardest one to please.
She checked her watch with a sigh and grimaced. She should have been heading to Herbology, her last class of the day, but could not stomach either Alice or Marlene's inquiries. A pang of guilt hit her heart. She hated lying to her friends and she was sure they were just as shocked at her behavior as Professor McGonagall had been. She was acting entirely unlike herself these days.
Might as well add another uncharacteristic thing to the list, she grimly decided.
Rather than heading to the greenhouses, she made her way to the library. Walking through the bookstacks and up the staircases, she searched through the shelves until she found a nondescript place where she could hide away from the other students and Madam Pence, the new school librarian. Settling on the window seat, she spread her books out in front of her and began to peruse through them to see which topics she could use some more studying. This, at least, would keep her mind off things.
It was not until she was deep into Ancient Runes and Ancient Humans: Deciphering the Un-Decipherable that the first sound of approaching footsteps disturbed her. She raised her head, looking around blearily. With a start, she realized the enchanted candles had lit up and looking outside the window, the grounds were newly obscured from evening's gloom. It must have been past dinner by now. Rubbing her eyes, she yawned daintily and stretched her arms upward.
"Here you are," a familiar voice remarked.
Startled, she dropped her arms as Sirius appeared in the gap between the shelves. His wand was out and he pocketed it upon seeing her, leaning a shoulder against the bookshelf.
Without thinking, she asked, "How'd you find me?"
"There are spells for that, you know."
"You're right, that was the wrong question – what are you doing here, then?"
He raised his eyebrows almost mockingly. "You sure are fired up. I'm not the one that went after Matthews today."
"No, but your obnoxious friend did," she grumbled, closing her book with a little more aggression than necessary. "And you could have told me that he was afraid of Severus, you know."
"Yes, because you're so understanding when it comes to him," he sarcastically replied.
She was not sure why, but she was suddenly irrationally angry with him for his sarcasm. She felt her cheeks flush angrily and she slammed her book into her bag, unceremoniously crumpling a roll of parchment that had unfortunately managed to get between the two books. Tossing her bag aside, she got to her feet and leveled a hard stare on him.
"You all made it sound like Sev went around hexing anyone that talked to me."
"He did," Sirius told her, a note of irritation entering his voice. "Not my problem if you were too blind to notice it."
"I wasn't!"
"When it comes to him, you are." Sirius pushed off from the bookshelf, approaching her where she was standing in front of the window seat. Up close, she saw that he, too, looked rather angry. His expression had darkened significantly since he had showed up in her private little enclave in the library. "Frankly, I'm getting pretty sick of talking about the git."
"I'm getting sick of hearing about him! He can't even be my friend anymore and the whole school won't let it go!"
"Then shut up about it," Sirius said, frowning. "For good measure, shut up about Matthews, too. He's a git."
Lily knew her face was red by how hot her ears had gotten. "You don't – I don't – I can talk about who I want!" she sputtered, aware that her temper was getting the best of her.
"Yeah? Well, I don't like it," he stated bluntly.
Before she was given a chance to reply to this outrageous announcement, he had pulled her into him and kissed her. She simultaneously did not want to kiss him and wanted to drag him into the window seat with her. Even as she considered that, he was already backing her up against the seat again and then pulled her down on top of him, into his lap, forcing her to anchor her thighs against his waist. His hands passed over her bare thighs, brushing against the edge of her skirt before they slid beneath, tugging her even closer to him. The simmering fury from earlier had completely subsided, replaced by the need to draw in closer, crush her body to his even as his mouth dropped from her mouth to her throat. Unexpectedly, he bit down softly and sucked on the tender flesh near her collarbone. Instinctively, she shifted against him and the shock of feeling him beneath her, so aroused and hard, nearly made her falter.
Like so many times with Sirius, though, her brain sailed straight past the reality check and unlike other times, he did not seem to have as good of a leash on his self-control as usual. When he coaxed her mouth back down to his again, his hands slid further up her skirt, clasping the curves of her derriere and very subtly, almost imperceptibly, moved her against him. The sensation of friction between them, of knowing there was only thin layers of fabric between them, caused a frisson of excitement to run up her spine. Emboldened by him, she moved her hips in time to the rhythm he had set, their mouths still locked in a moist kiss.
His fingers gripped around her more tightly, his thumbs catching around the edge of her panties as he stilled her, breaking away from her. She was breathless, unable to form any words or protest when he suddenly turned her, spilling her onto her back on the window seat and settling on it beside her. He glanced briefly towards the empty bookshelves, as if to ascertain that they were still alone before he lowered his mouth to her neck again, gently kissing and suckling the sensitive flesh. As his mouth caught hers again, a tremble ran through her upon feeling one of his hands track up the front of her skirt, one sly finger finding its way between her thighs.
She had to break away from his kiss and press her face against his shoulder, even as she parted her legs further for him. He was languid in touching her, sliding the pad of his finger along the fabric, teasing her until he found the sensitive, swollen nubbin. She sucked in a startled breath, the sign, it seemed, that he had been waiting from her. His hand slid beneath the last fabric barrier and she bit down hard on her lower lip to prevent herself from moaning when his bare fingers touched her. She was sensitive, far too sensitive. His finger found the dampness that had begun to pool from his ministrations and she uttered a surprised gasp when one of his fingers gently slid inside, parting the tight entrance.
"Sirius," she whispered, clenching her eyes tight.
"Should I stop?" he murmured, slowly pulling his finger back and then back inside, almost torturously. She shook her head mutely. "I thought so." He sounded amused, and there was something darker in his voice, a deep satisfaction and arousal that she had never heard from someone.
When he inserted a second finger, she could feel herself stretching and moreover, knew she was drenched around his fingers. It was embarrassing to her, although she did not have much time to linger on her embarrassment. His thumb found her swollen bud again as he slid his fingers in and out of her, wiping her mind clean. Even as she strained against his hand, knowing that her body was craving something more, to experience the masculine arousal that she had felt earlier, she knew that she was close to reaching something like a peak. The pleasure inched closer and closer until, without warning, her entire body tightened up and she felt her legs quake with the force of it.
She had not been aware she had been holding her breath during it until she released it on a quiet sigh. He seemed to know without her needing to tell him, for he removed his fingers from her and kissed her before she was even able to get her breath back.
"I think I like seeing you speechless," Sirius said with a smirk after she began to fuss with her skirt, smoothing it down and pulling her robes over her again.
"You can't just get your way like that every time," she mumbled feebly, averting her gaze.
"Oh, I don't know," he replied casually, "it seemed to work pretty well."
Lily wanted to glare at him, but found that she could not summon the anger for it. Instead, she reluctantly smiled.
"I'd bet it would work just as well on you," she said boldly.
"Oh, definitely," he agreed, grinning. "I'm looking forward to our next argument so you can try it out."
Later, when they were exiting the library, Lily threw a sidelong, guilty look to Madam Pence who was glaring at them from her position at the desk. The library was mostly empty, save for a few fifth-year students attempting to study late. Lily was sure she looked as red-faced and flushed as she had when they had been up in the bookstacks. She was looking forward to changing when she got back to the girl's dormitory.
"You didn't thank me, by the way," Sirius pointed out as they headed back to Gryffindor tower.
"Er, for what?"
"I helped you avoid detention with McGonagall." He cast her a knowing glance. "Unless you wanted to thank me for something else."
"Stop that," she muttered, feeling the heat return to her cheeks. "You're embarrassing me."
"Good."
She grimaced slightly before adding, "But thank you. One detention was enough this year."
"We'll think of something inventive for next year," Sirius told her, looking around distractedly. They were at the third-floor corridor, which was dark and empty save for enchanted suits of armor and torches. It was well past curfew, although the professors allowed some flexibility to fifth-years that were studying for their OWLs.
He approached a door and pushed it open, poking his head inside. She had paused in her steps, watching him curiously. He gestured for her to follow and after glancing around, she stepped inside the classroom and allowed him to shut the door behind them. Inside, the classroom was dark save for the moonlight that cast beams of light through the decorative glass panes of the windows. It caused strange little shadows to be cast upon the floor. Lily found herself looking at the warped shadow, trying to interpret which window shadow she was seeing while Sirius took a few steps into the classroom. He seemed entirely at ease wandering the castle at night, making her wonder how often he had explored in their earlier years.
"We need to clear something up before we go back," he said to her, turning to face her and meeting her gaze. "What are you wanting out of this, exactly? Because if you were any other girl, there wouldn't be any of this sneaking around and hiding. I know I'm being selfish and I'm not being a great friend, but I know why I'm doing this."
Lily had to admire how open and frank Sirius could be in regards to their strange relationship. He was not afraid to lay out his faults or ask the hard questions. She had been envious of it in the Shrieking Shack, too, when he had admitted to liking her without a pause in conversation. She had caught him being awkward before, even fumbling over his words from time to time, but it seemed that when it came to his feelings, he was not afraid of candor. It was a stark contrast to Severus, who had often always been so closed off that she had to poke and pry most times. She guessed that she had learned that behavior from him; she certainly had not been as honest with Sirius, let alone herself.
She glanced away from him, plucking at a stray piece of string that was sticking out from her school bag. "I'm being selfish too," Lily said at length. "I...would like to think we're dating." Hearing it said aloud horrified her and caused a spike of fear to race through her.
"Aren't we?" Sirius asked in return.
She blinked. She could not make out his expression in the gloom. "Well, I don't know. This is kind of an abnormal situation."
"You'd be surprised how many people date secretly," Sirius said with a quick bark of laughter. "There are more than a few Slytherin-Gryffindor relationships that I've learned about over the years that are kept quiet. You'd think the school would burn down if there was inter-House relationships."
"If Severus ever found out, it would destroy him," Lily said quietly, thinking of her encounter with her friend over the holidays, how fierce his expression had been when he had talked about Sirius. "I don't want to hurt him."
"Then we're both being shit friends," Sirius told her with a shrug, startling her. "Personally, I don't care."
"You care what James thinks," she accused, frowning. "Don't pretend."
"That's not what I mean." He folded his arms over his chest and looked out towards the window for a brief moment before sighing, dropping his head back. "James is off doing his own thing. Yeah, he'd get mad and sure, Snape would probably try to make it his personal mission to kill me and wouldn't talk to you again. But that's a them problem and I don't care about that. Doesn't mean I necessarily want to invite more problems than I have, though, either – for either of us."
Lily considered over what he said before tentatively asking, "And what about after school?"
His mouth tilted up in a half-smile. "That's assuming you can deal with me for that long. I usually get the 'you're not boyfriend material' talk pretty fast."
She could not help but roll her eyes as she quipped, "I can't imagine why that is."
Sirius laughed and then approached her, reaching up and smoothing her hair back. "So, how about it, then? You up for giving it a try?"
"Yeah," she answered, smiling warmly, "I think I am."
Sirius knew that Marlene was going to accost James as soon as he saw her storming down to the Quidditch pitch. He, Remus, and Peter were lounging in the stands watching the Gryffindors finish up their practice. OWLs were in a few days and Peter had been furiously trying to cram in as much studying as he could. He had become a nervous bundle of energy, anxiously flipping through pages and checking his notes, mumbling to himself. This had become so routine over the past week that neither he nor Remus tried to reassure him anymore. The poor boy had worked himself up into a fervor over the exams.
Sirius took a bite from his scone, chewing thoughtfully as he watched Marlene walk determinedly towards them. Her strawberry blonde hair was whipping in the wind, giving him the brief impression of a vengeful veela poised to attack. He had become accustomed to Marlene's strong personality over the years. It had reminded him too closely of some of his relatives, so he had made it a point to avoid her. Thankfully, he had never been on Marlene's radar. She had always had eyes for James and even now, she was glaring up in the air where James was floating on his broom.
"Do you know when practice is over?" Marlene asked the group as she stopped in front of them, propping a hand on her hip.
"Nope," Sirius replied before taking another bite of his scone.
"Should be soon," Remus added helpfully.
"Why?"
"I wanted to ask James something," she answered tartly and then crossed her arms over her chest, plopping down beside Remus. "Can you believe that it's almost time for OWLs?"
Remus glanced at Sirius, appearing uncomfortable at being directly addressed by such a forceful girl. Sirius hid a smile, turning away from them as he finished his scone. Peter had looked up briefly, blinking owlishly at Marlene before ducking his head back to his notes again. They had enough experience with the many girlfriends of James to know that if they started a conversation with them, it was always going to lead to some question regarding James.
"It'll be good to get it out of the way," Remus replied politely after a few seconds.
Marlene smoothed her hair down absent-mindedly. "What's up with Mathilde, by the way? She's always hanging about James now."
"Er..."
"Not that I care," she continued, "because it's not my business. I'm just wondering because he said he was into Lily and now he's going after the girl that tried to attack her. What's up with that?"
"That's a good question," was Remus's diplomatic response.
"You'd think he'd have a little more sense." She tossed her hair over her shoulder, glaring fiercely. She appeared to be riling herself up without any of them saying a word of contribution. "It's a stupid way of going about things. It's no wonder she can't stand him."
"Mathilde?"
"No, not her!" she snapped at Remus. "Lily, obviously."
"Ah."
"You can stop pretending," Sirius said over his shoulder to Mathilde before she was given another chance to bite Remus's head off. "We all know that you and James have a thing going on. You might as well get out what you want to ask."
Marlene huffed a breath, frowning at him. "I don't know what you mean."
"Save it. I walked in on you two in a classroom." He glanced over his shoulder, smirking. "You can't talk your way around that one. Just spit it out already."
Even though Marlene was known to be a little more giving than most girls in their year, her cheeks went pink at his accusation. Rather than looking away, though, she raised her chin a notch. Regardless of the image she had been portraying as the proud, sex-positive feminist witch, it was clear that she had not yet progressed to baring her sexual exploits to the student body.
"Fine," she said at last. "Has James said anything about Mathilde to you guys?"
"No," Remus answered with a shake of his head. "I haven't seen much of her, really."
"It's nothing serious," Sirius added, brushing his fingers off on his robes, sprinkling scone crumbs everywhere. "She was just being a pest, so he went on a couple dates with her. Probably fooled around a bit, at the most."
Rather than being reassured, Marlene looked outraged. "That jerk! He really is the worst."
"What's the problem? He's going to Zanzibar with you this summer. Who cares what he does with her? He'd end up dumping her by the end of the year, anyway."
"Yeah, well..." Marlene trailed off, her eyes drifting back to the Gryffindor Quidditch team. The group was all gathering down at the bottom of the pitch, chattering to each other. Her hard expression from earlier had softened to one that he recognized well. He had seen it on enough girls faces through the years to interpret it correctly. Even Marlene, who was perhaps best equipped to play the part of a secret lover, had not managed to escape James's charm.
Sirius laughed incredulously at her. "Don't tell me you've gone and caught feelings?"
"Padfoot," Remus chided quietly, having also caught Marlene's expression. "C'mon, mate, be a little more tactful."
"No, it's fine," Marlene said stiffly, looking away and frowning down at her knees. "I told him that it would be over after the vacation. It would just be nice if he'd keep it in his pants until then."
"Did you two have that kind of agreement?" Remus asked.
"I don't know. I thought we did."
"Well...would it really matter at this point? It's only a little over a month until the end of term."
"It doesn't matter. He just sucks at being honest." She got to her feet, sighing. "Thanks, in any case."
"You're leaving?"
"Yeah, you already told me what I wanted to know. No point in confronting him about it."
Sirius watched her smooth her hair back from her face again as a breeze whipped through them. She looked so crestfallen compared to how determined she had looked when she first came to sit next to them. In spite of himself, he thought back to himself sitting in the Great Hall and listening to Lily agree to a date with Oscar Matthews. The conversation had hit him hard in the gut, as if someone had just elbowed him without any warning. Like Marlene, he had been under the impression that there was an exclusivity to their situation. The surge of anger and jealousy that had overtaken him had surprised him. He had never felt that way towards any girl and certainly had not intended to act out by taunting Oscar. It had taken him a long time to cool down and not feel bitter towards either Lily or the unsuspecting Oscar, who never did follow up on his date after that incident in the Great Hall. By the time he had calmed himself enough to confront Lily about it, he realized that he had been at fault for not being clearer to her when it came to his intentions.
It was not his place to give out relationship advice, much less in regards to Marlene and James, who had one of the strangest relationships he had ever witnessed. Nonetheless, he felt compelled to say something, and he was not entirely sure if it was for magnanimous reasons.
"You should talk to him," Sirius said to Marlene. She blinked, turning to him inquiringly. "Chances are he's just being thick and didn't realize you wanted something more exclusive." He shrugged. "Doesn't hurt to try."
"You think so?" Marlene asked dubiously.
"Probably, knowing James. He's pretty oblivious."
She mulled this over as the team separated and James made his way towards them. His steps faltered somewhat in surprise upon seeing Marlene with them, but he doggedly continued towards the group. After a moment, she gave a tentative smile towards Sirius.
"Thanks," she said earnestly. "I think I will."
She hopped down the stands and jogged to meet him. Sirius watched James glance towards them and then smile at Marlene's approach.
"Look at you," Remus teased. "So insightful."
"Shut up."
"James doesn't even like Marlene, though," Peter muttered with a worried frown. He had raised his head from his notes to watch the pair talk. James's brow had knitted in confusion, but it cleared after a few minutes where he patted Marlene on the shoulder and rubbed the back of his head in his signature, apologetic gesture.
"I don't think she cares," Remus admitted.
"That's mental."
"Makes you wish you had a girlfriend, eh, Wormtail?" Sirius commented lightly.
"For someone so bitter about romance, you give out some pretty good advice," Remus told him.
"Consider it my way of helping people to avoid being bitter."
"You don't like any girls, Sirius?" Peter asked interestedly.
"Nah," he lied smoothly, folding his arms and leaning forward so his elbows rested against his knees. "Who needs the trouble?"
"I don't think I'd mind," Remus said thoughtfully, then laughed slightly to himself. "Not that anyone would give me a second glance."
"You're wrong about that, Moony. Plenty of girls look at you, you're just too shy."
"He's right," Peter added faithfully. "You're handsome! You could get a girlfriend if you wanted."
"Yeah?" Remus smiled at them. "Maybe next year."
Sirius smiled faintly to himself, watching Marlene giggle at James and blush appreciatively at him. Remus's placating words reminded him that he was not the only one bitter about romance. Whereas Sirius's impossibly high standards and bad attitude had prevented him from holding a girl down for too long, Remus's low self-esteem and intense paranoia regarding his werewolf form had put a wall between him and any interested partner. Sirius had seen more than a few girls attempt to flirt with Remus, but his responses had never exceeded politeness. He was the absolute gentleman, something that was both appealing and off-putting to most girls their age. Sirius never knew whether it had been intentional or if Remus was too caught up in his own self-deprecation that he had not noticed their interest.
Resting his chin on his folded arms, he watched James tuck some of Marlene's hair behind her ear and then smile at her. She returned the smile with her own and then turned away to return up to the castle. James watched her for a few seconds before continuing towards them to join his friends. It was strange to imagine Marlene falling in love with James. They were an unlikely couple and while they might have been sneaking around, they had never been very good at hiding their intimate association – at least not to those who watched. He had never thought to ask Lily about whether she was aware of her friend's intimate liaison with James. He certainly had no reason to go out of his way to tell her. Lily had made it clear in detention that she would rather not hear about James when he had been attempting to soften her up for his friend.
His gaze shifted down to his feet, hunching his shoulders against the wind. His guilt had done an interesting transformation where Lily was concerned. He had long ago accepted his actions after witnessing James and Marlene together and, while there was the initial discomfort of lying to his friends, he knew that they had all hidden things from each other in the past. It was perhaps not as extreme as this, but James had lied plenty enough to them to save face and Sirius had concealed a good deal of his family history for most of their friendship. Lily's words regarding their relationship had begun to play with his mind strangely, though. It had been her who had mentioned the possibility of them dating past their seventh year, not him. If he told his friends after school, would they be offended he had lied? Or could he play it off like they had just begun dating?
What the hell's gotten into you? he asked himself irritably.
Those thoughts had been running through his head lately. He had tried not to see too far in the future with Lily, to see only to the summer, never to their sixth year, and certainly never beyond that. It had been a glimpse into her own heart, to her own hopes and desires. He had been purposely avoiding acknowledging any of his own feelings regarding them, knowing that it would lead him to a place from which he could not come away.
Of course, Sirius knew that he had already gone down that path without being consciously aware of it. He was not stupid. He had known he had developed fairly strong feelings for Lily during Christmas break when she had sent him that scarf. Rather than poeticize it, he had analyzed it clinically as if he were studying runes or alchemy. He could love without feeling foolish and was a smart enough person to recognize it when he wanted to face it.
In spite of his affection, he had trouble envisioning living openly with her.
Regardless of his feelings and what she had said, there was another uncertainty in their future that made him uneasy. His family would not only disown him for dating a Muggle-born, but would likely try and kill her out of spite. He knew his cousin, Bellatrix, would have made it her personal goal if it meant getting into his mother's good graces. As little as he liked it, there was some wisdom in what Severus had done to Lily in order to keep her safe from the other Slytherins. He would not be as cowardly, but it seemed foolhardy to put her at risk when there was no guarantee they would last. Like Remus, he had his own insecurities that he preferred to avoid facing and being lambasted as poor dating material by nearly every girl had soured his attitude towards relationships. His expectation was that, feelings aside, this relationship was likely to end as quickly as all the rest.
As quickly as James's relationships, he added to himself as his friend joined them. What's the point of risking a girl's life if it's just going to end in a few months?
"What was she saying to you guys?" James asked them, a slightly anxious note behind his voice.
"Getting advice on how to spice things up," Sirius answered readily, getting to his feet. "Don't worry, I gave her great advice. You'll be blown away next time you're alone – literally."
"Come off it," James said, laughing as he gave him a slight push. "She did not!"
"Ask her yourself, mate."
"Sirius is holding back on us," Remus said, smiling. "He's giving great relationship advice these days."
"Ah, Padfoot's always had a wise side to him," James said, grinning. "I won't be shocked if he's the first to get married."
"I will be," Peter said seriously, collecting his books and packing them into his bag.
"You want to make a bet on it?" Sirius asked him. "Because with my mother, expect me to be set up in an arranged marriage by next year to some cousin or other."
"You'd actually go through with it?"
"How thick are you, Wormtail? Obviously not."
"You shouldn't take him so seriously," Remus said to Peter, as the smaller boy's mouth opened into an 'O' of comprehension. "You know he likes to mess with you."
Sirius snickered as he rose to his feet. Remus hastily mended a rip that was beginning in Peter's bags from too many books as the other two boys got to their feet. He caught James's eyes on him and his stomach tightened uncomfortably at the stare. There was a strange, perceptive look behind his eyes that he did not like.
"I've got to change," James said to them. "I'll meet you guys up at the castle."
"Sounds good." Remus checked his watch. "I should've nicked something for later like Sirius did. I'm starved. Want to try and get something from the kitchens?"
"Custard pie sounds good right about now," Peter said with a hopeful glance.
Remus laughed. "Let's go, then. I don't think I'll make it to dinner at this rate. How about you, Sirius? Coming along?"
"I think I'll walk up with James," Sirius answered. "Grab me something, though, would you?"
"You're a bottomless pit."
Sirius patted his stomach appreciatively. "I'm a growing boy."
"Your mum tell you that?" Remus teased.
"More like my mum," James said before Sirius was given a chance.
The boys laughed at this remark and then separated, with Remus and Peter heading up to the castle while the other two went to the changing rooms. Inside, Sirius stood in front of an enchanted poster that had the Quidditch practice schedules that alternated to the House match-ups. In the background, he could hear James getting dressed noisily.
"So, what's up with you lately?" James called out after a bit. "You've been disappearing a lot lately."
"You sure about that?" Sirius answered lightly. "Or are you just too occupied with your girlfriends these days?"
James snorted. "'Girlfriends,'" he repeated derisively. "More like pests."
"I should be asking you what's going on with you," Sirius said in an attempt at deflection, turning away from the poster and crossing to where James was pulling his robes over his head. His glasses had become askew and he adjusted them to see Sirius better. "You're all over the place this year with girls, not to mention Remus and I haven't been able to get you to actually sit still long enough to work on the map. We've dialed in the alchemical elements, by the way. I think we're finally ready to start mapping out the castle. It still probably won't be ready until next year since we can't work on it over the summer."
"I know," James sighed, dropping onto the bench. He picked up his broom from where it was leaning against the locker and turned the handle around in his hands thoughtfully. "What do you think about Marlene, Sirius?"
"She's alright. Why?"
"I don't know."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "You 'don't know'?"
James smiled guiltily. "I'm kind of looking forward to this summer vacation with her, but...dunno. Doesn't seem right to be dating a girl when I'm into her friend. But then I think, if I ever date Evans, I'm still going to have all these memories with Marlene. It feels weird."
"Sounds like you don't really know what you want."
"Kind of," James admitted. "I was hoping she'd get more annoying the longer we dated. Marlene's the type that gets nicer the longer you're with her. Sweeter, almost. What'd you tell her, by the way?"
"Nothing useful," Sirius said with a shrug. "Just some bullshit I made up."
"Hm." James shook himself off and then rose to his feet, picking up his broom and propping it against the shoulder. "Well, whatever it was seemed to help."
The two of them exited the changing rooms, slowly making their way up to the castle. It had been easy for Sirius to steer the conversation away from him, although he felt a pang of guilt for avoiding James's inquiries. They chatted about Zanzibar, with Sirius encouraging him to try to find a certain mineral there that could be used in a potion. The conversation steered towards a new paper that had recently released regarding the use of moonstone to enhance conjuration spells. This lasted up until they pushed open the doors and their conversation was mostly drowned out by other students. A group of first year Hufflepuff students were huddled together and it appeared that one of them was showing the others something in a box. The boy jumped in alarm when Sirius and James drew closer.
"What's that?" James asked him, nodding to the box. The boy eyed his and Sirius's chest suspiciously and it only took them a moment to realize he was looking for a Prefect badge.
"Bloody hell," Sirius said, laughing. "We're the last people you have to worry about running to a Prefect. What've you managed to get?"
The boy looked around and then grinned sheepishly, opening the box so that Sirius could see inside. "A Fire Crab. Paid a third-year to nick from Hogsmeade."
"What're you planning to do with it?" James asked as he and Sirius bent their heads to look at the little creature.
They were never given a chance to find out exactly what the boy had planned to do with the Fire Crab, for a blast of fire shout out towards them. Sirius had grabbed James and the two had scrambled back in time just as the boy yelped and dropped the box, nearly throwing it across from him. The other first year students went scrambling away and they saw a burst of more flames as the box was lit on fire and the crab went scuttling away.
"Oh no!" the boy gasped and, with a badly singed hand, he aimed a pitiful spell towards the crab to perhaps stun it. He shook his smoking robes and went chasing after it, even as other students laughed at him as they walked past.
"That'll be worth a week of detention if McGonagall sees it," Sirius said to James as they two turned away from the scene.
"If he's that unlucky."
On the fifth-floor corridor heading towards Gryffindor tower, James paused at Gregory the Smarmy, giving the statue a thoughtful pat. Sirius, realizing he had stopped, turned around in question to find that James was inspecting the statue with something of a reflective air.
"Remember when we snuck out of Hogwarts through this secret passage our second year?" James asked Sirius with a slight smile.
"How could I forget? Peter thought he went blind when our wands went out. I haven't brought that up to him lately. I'll have to remind him."
James pushed his glasses back up his nose, casting an uncertain glance towards him. "Listen, I'm sorry – that I didn't tell you about what I was doing with Marlene."
"Why're you apologizing? I don't care who you date."
"Yeah, I know. This one felt different, though, you know?"
There was that same, uncomfortable feeling in the pit of Sirius's stomach. He did not need to ask to know that James was perceiving some secret between them. He was clever enough to know, however, that his friend could not tell whether he was merely projecting or if Sirius was actually hiding something. For once, James did not seem so confident in his own self when it came to this and as much as Sirius hated to do it, he had to take advantage of it.
"We were kids then," Sirius told him with a casual lift of one of his shoulders. "It's different now. There's bound to be some stuff we don't tell each other."
"I was hoping it wouldn't get like that. Not with us." James frowned down at the statue, his hand still resting against it.
"Trust me, mate, you're not going to always want to tell me every detail of your relationships – and your girlfriends won't appreciate it, either."
"And what about you?"
"There's some stuff I don't like to talk about. Not like it's a big deal." Sirius smiled to dispel any wound that his words might have inflicted. "Most stuff you know that I want to keep to myself."
James returned the smile after a beat. "Alright, then."
"It'd be fun to go through the tunnel before the end of school, don't you think?" Sirius asked, nodding towards the statue.
"What's the point?" James asked in turn, seeming uncomfortable with his earlier vulnerability. "When you can run on four legs, there's almost no excitement in going out these old tunnels."
"We've come so far from our sneaking out days," Sirius dryly observed, turning away from the statue and continuing on. He heard James follow closely behind. Even though he had gotten away with the deflection, he did not feel good about it.
He glanced over his shoulder at the statue. They really had come far since their second year.