(Chapter Sixteen)
The last day of OWL exams only had two classes remaining, those being Care of Magical Creatures and Divination. For the students that did not have exams, they were all well-occupied with the story that Sirius had gotten into a Muggle duel with some student. This story had quickly transformed to one where he was in a secret underground boxing club and yesterday had been the year's tournament. This seemed to be the prevalent version of the story for some reason, which James had found hysterical and had loudly teased Sirius about in the hallways as the boys were headed out to the Quidditch pitch to spend some time on their brooms. The other stories were far less fantastical, ranging from Muggles wanting to get back at a pureblood family to his own brother sending a group of thugs out to get him for apparently ruining his life.
Lily, for her part, found the story positively ridiculous and was sure that only a first-year could have concocted something as outrageous as a boxing club at Hogwarts.
In any other circumstances, Alice would have been enthusiastic in the school gossip. When she approached her outside the Great Hall where Lily had taken an extended lunch, she had a feeling by Alice's tight expression that she was not in the mood to discuss school stories spread by their classmates. With Marlene currently occupied in her Divination OWL, Lily had a split-second thought that it had something to do with their other friend.
"I was going to go walk through the botanical gardens," Alice told her without preamble. "Will you come with?"
"Sure," Lily answered readily.
The two girls made their way outside, Alice suspiciously silent. It was warm and humid outside, the hint of summer temperatures beginning to settle in as they drew closer to the end of the school year. The gardens were flourishing from the amount of care that the Herbology professor had given to them and they took their time walking through the hedges and peeking at some of the swaying plants that seemed almost chipper in the sunlight. There were only a few students in the gardens, most of whom were couples nestled closely together, their heads bent in intimate tête-à-têtes. The appearance of this only seemed to make Alice's expression fall further.
"Is something wrong?" Lily asked at length when they had reached one of the house elf fountains. She eyed the figure critically, her brow furrowing at the image of the house elf bent over with a jug of water, the fountain water spilling down into the pool from the jug. The expression of servility on the house elf's face seemed to be a wizard's warped interpretation rather than reality.
"I tried talking to Marlene about this, but I don't feel like she understands," Alice said to her without context. "She kind of brushed it off, told me I'd feel different later."
"About what?"
Alice heaved a shaky sigh and then burst into tears unexpectedly. "Oh, I just feel so stupid. When I went down to see Frank the other night, it wasn't at all how I imagined or how Marlene and the other girls described. It was just...awkward. It was too dark out so I couldn't see what I was doing and I got nervous, so I ended up kneeing him in the – well, you know – and it just killed the atmosphere for awhile there. And when we got back to it, I don't know, it just felt – it didn't feel magical like I imagined."
"Oh, no, Alice..." Lily instinctively put her arms around her, hugging her as Alice hiccupped into her hands. Alice gratefully pressed her face against her shoulder.
It took a few minutes until Alice had cried out all her embarrassment and when she raised her head, she dabbed at her swollen eyes with the sleeve of her robes, sniffling. She gave a watery smile to Lily.
"Maybe it's because it was planned?" Lily offered uncomfortably. "That kind of stuff probably needs to happen...organically...I think."
Alice released another sigh and wiped her face, looking down into the pool of water miserably. "But what if Frank won't ever want to do with me again because I was such an awful lay?"
"I don't think Frank's the type of guy to say something like that."
"Marlene got me all anxious and stressed about it because she was telling me about all the things that guys talk about to other guys and what they want – "
"I really don't think you should be taking advice from Marlene," Lily told her honestly. "Just because she has experience doesn't mean she knows everything. Frank loves you, there's no way he's going to just stop because of an awkward first time. He probably feels just as embarrassed."
"Yeah?"
"Well, yeah. He'd be thinking the same thing, wouldn't he?"
"I don't know. I never asked him." She scrubbed at her face again. "It's just all so stupid to me. I'm going to be turning seventeen this summer – I'm way behind most girls our age. Not that you're behind!" She cast a horrified look to Lily, aware of the fumble in her words. "I mean, for girls that have boyfriends! Or have had boyfriends! Especially since Frank and I have been together so long."
Tactfully, Lily did not address the faux pas. "You never seemed like you cared about any of that."
"I didn't." Alice sat down on the fountain, glancing at Lily nervously. "Marlene's been pretty open with me about what she's been doing with James. It's not like she was saying any of it to put pressure on me and I've always been a little nervous about it, but hearing about it made all these questions start going through my head. Like, why am I waiting if I know I want to be with Frank? Why do I stop it when things start going down that road? And is he disappointed? Does he think I'm a prude or something? I don't know, I just started doubting myself."
Lily eyed Alice, who looked so frustrated with herself that she could not help but sympathize with her. She, too, had moments where she had doubted her own placement amongst their peers. She would watch girls with boyfriends throughout the years, including Alice and Marlene and feel a little left behind. It was natural to feel some sense of peer pressure when the other girls were so open about their relationship progression. She was sure that even the boys felt it to some degree, which was why some boys would boast far too loudly about things that she doubted were true. The entire environment had been why she had even dared to approach Sirius in the first place after their detention, wanting more of that feminine sexuality that had seemed to blossom in her with him.
Then again, she was not sure that she would encounter the same problem with Sirius as Alice had with Frank. It was easy to get caught up in the moment with him and to forget any insecurities or anxieties that would flit into her mind on any other occasion. The encounter in the library had been proof of that.
She wished that she could share the experience with Alice, to reassure her. Worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, she watched a Fanged Geranium try to bite a passing student far in the distance and get smacked in punishment.
I'd better not, she decided after contemplating telling Alice the truth. She wouldn't be able to keep it from Marlene.
"I feel that way sometimes too," Lily said at last. "Like you're behind everyone else. Even if I don't have a boyfriend." She smiled at Alice to take any sting from her words.
Alice poked the toe of her shoe into the dirt thoughtfully. "You know, I heard that Snape got stripped of his Prefect badge because he trashed a corridor last night. He has a week of detention first week of next term, too. It must've been really bad."
"What on earth does that have to do with this?"
"It has everything to do with it. It's not like guys weren't interested in you. It just made me think that if you hadn't been stuck on Snape for so long, maybe you wouldn't have felt that way."
"I already know that," Lily said defensively with more bite than she intended. "It's not like I'm not aware of how dumb I look right now."
"That's not what I meant!" Alice hastily said, waving her hands. "I didn't mean it that way! It would've been nice, though, if we were both going through this together. I wish things had worked out with you and Oscar."
"I don't. Cowardice is a big turn- off. He shouldn't have gotten scared off by Sev just because he was in Slytherin and had a tendency to hex people."
Alice appeared thoughtful for a few seconds. "You know who I always thought you'd be a good fit with? Remus Lupin. He's the more quiet, well-behaved type of James's group, even if he is sickly."
"I think I'm too sassy for Remus," Lily said, laughing. "But I don't want to talk about my lack of a dating life. It's just depressing. You should really go and talk to Frank, Alice, and clear the air before we head out from Hogwarts. He's going to be doing a summer training camp this year in Germany, isn't he? You might not have another opportunity. Doing it on the train when everyone can overhear wouldn't be ideal."
"Yeah...I guess." She got to her feet with another heavy sigh, but smiled as she looped her arm around Lily's. "Thanks. Marlene was making me feel like I had no reason to feel this way."
"Not everyone can be like Marlene," Lily said as they took their time walking back through the gardens.
Once they had exited, they separated so that Alice could find Frank before dinner. Lily remained outside, walking around the grounds and soaking in the sunlight. Marlene should have been getting out of her exams soon and she would want to discuss her upcoming vacation sans James Potter if Lily was around. Alice had told her that she had invited him to go along with her, something that Lily had found out of character for their third friend.
The older we get, the more secrets we keep, Lily reflected, blinking up into the sun as she rounded the castle, approaching the southern side of the lawns. The clock tower loomed tall in the sky above all the battlements. I never would have kept a boy a secret from them before and neither would they. But now Alice wants to hide her feelings from Marlene and Marlene...
She found the thought trailing off uncertainly. If it had been any other girl, she would not have thought twice about them going on a summer vacation with James Potter. She had heard from his ex-girlfriends about the many trips that they had gone on with him, varying from Christmas ski trips in the Alps to wandering the Spanish boulevard during summer break. Marlene had never been one to invite a boy, though, and she began to question just how far she had let herself go with James to where that invitation had been proffered. The surliness from post-Christmas break had faded to something of a chipper attitude in Marlene, increasing Lily's suspicions.
Marlene never would have hid the fact that she'd fallen for someone before, Lily thought to herself, but because it's James, she thinks it's the equivalent of stealing a boyfriend.
It seemed all of them were feeling uneasy about their personal relationships these days. Lily wondered vaguely to herself if it was always like this with teenage romance. She certainly hoped it was less complicated as they all got older.
When she entered the southern courtyard that lied at the foot of the clock tower, an enchanted bunch of leaves floated down to her, rolling in the air playfully. Peering closer, she saw the leaves were shaped like a kneazle and could not help a giggle as she reached a hand out. A paw patted at her, the leaves hitting her hand. Looking around, it took her a few seconds until she saw the figure leaning out one of the high windows in the tower. Sirius grinned down at her, his wand in hand, and then pointed down to the other side of the tower before disappearing. As soon as he had, the leaves dispersed, drifting lazily to the stone patio where they had been lying previously.
She took a quick look around the deserted courtyard and then headed towards the bottom of the clock tower where a door stood ajar. Cautiously, she opened the door a bit wider and stepped inside, closing it behind her. Inside, there was a tall wooden staircase that presumably led to the top of the clock tower. Cobwebs hung in the corners of the tower, the stone walls of the tower looking given it an even more medieval appearance than the rest of the castle. A few stories up, she spotted Sirius bracing his hands against the precarious balustrade.
"How'd you get in here?" she asked him, cocking her head as she looked up at him.
"Expert lockpicking skills," he replied with a smirk. "Comes in handy from time to time."
"It's not locked by magic?"
"You'd think it would be, but no."
She cast him a skeptical glance and then looked around again. The inside of the clock tower was dusty and in the sunlight that streamed through the windows, dust particles floated peacefully past. It was clear that there had been no upgrades to this part of the castle in years. It looks ages old, the staircase looking somewhat dilapidated in spots where the balcony had collapsed. She had never been inside here, as the door had always been locked and it had been off-limits to students as far as she had been aware. She should not have been surprised that Sirius, of all people, had managed to gain access.
"Coming up?" he asked her, catching her attention again. "The stairs won't give out, even if they do look like it."
"They certainly do," she observed, making her way up the steps to meet him. As she did, he pulled out his wand and with a wave, the metal lock scraped back into place on the door. "What were you doing up here, anyway?"
"Avoiding people," Sirius said in a bout of honesty when she joined him. "People have been insufferable since yesterday. If I have to deal with first-years following me on the train to interrogate me when we go home, I might be forced to start lobbing curses at them."
"I think there are other ways of handling things."
"Sure, but they're a lot less satisfying."
"And are you planning to tell me what actually happened?"
He glanced at her as they continued up the stairs and shrugged. "Maybe. Those potions worked like a charm, by the way. Cheers."
"Glad they helped. I never thought I'd have to use them, either, to be honest."
"Your circumstances for that were better, I hope."
"Given how you looked, I certainly think so." She hesitated as they came to the last set of stairs, pausing on the threshold. "I know it was Severus that did that to you."
Surprised, he also stopped just outside the door, turning to look at her. "How do you know that?"
She mulled over the question briefly. It had occurred to her in passing when Alice had been speaking that Sirius's appearance and Severus's detention might have been related, although her attention had been diverted. In the past, she might have assumed that Sirius had gone looking for a fight with Severus, but after seeing him by the lake and then again outside the portrait hole, she could not deny the evidence that had been in front of her own eyes. Severus hated Sirius, more than even James these days, and she was not so sure that he would have been against Muggle fighting if it meant harming Sirius.
At last, she said to him, "Alice told me he got demoted from being a Prefect for something about a corridor being destroyed."
"He deserves worse, honestly," Sirius said, scowling. "He's lucky I'm not a snitch – not that anyone would believe me."
There was a definite note of bitterness in his voice when he said this.
"I believe you," Lily quietly said.
"Are you sure?" He eyed her critically for a moment. "I don't know that you would."
"I find it hard to believe you went out of your way to start a fight with him, Sirius."
He chuckled slightly. "It didn't used to be that way."
"Things change."
"Because you're dating me?"
"No, because I saw how Severus went for his wand the moment he saw you the other night," Lily answered with a touch of frustration entering her voice. "Not to mention that he tried to curse you instead of James by the lakeside – and you weren't even the one that had been torturing him with spells. And after what he said to me...I know it's personal for him now."
Sirius appeared mollified by this and nodded slowly, before turning to the door and pushing it open. She followed him after a few seconds, blinking against the brightness of the setting sun. At the top of the clock tower, they could see the entirety of Hogwarts grounds, from the Forbidden Forest to the Quidditch pitch. The tower was far above the courtyard, looming over the battlements and the castle grounds. From below, she was confident that no one would be able to see them and Sirius seemed just as similarly undisturbed as he leaned against the stone parapet. He rested his elbows against it, appearing somewhat pensive.
She could not help but admire Sirius's side profile. The bruises from yesterday were gone, leaving him looking as untarnished as he had been yesterday. She had seen him in what seemed like every mode of emotion – from angry to teasing and sarcastic to happy or passionate. The expression he wore now was a foreign one, although it was similar to how he often looked when he was working on the map project he had with his friends. Even though she had gotten better at understanding him over the past year, it was hard to read him just then. In spite of all their time together, there was still a great deal of Sirius's personality that was hidden from her – and something about what happened with Severus made him feel distant from her, detached in a way that she did not like.
Reflexively, she reached over and put her hand on his arm. He turned to look at her and she eyed him worriedly. "You feel like you're a million miles away. What's wrong?"
He gave an apologetic smile. "Sorry. The past three days have been shit."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He looked back out at the grounds and scratched his chin idly. "How do you feel about the Unforgivable Curses?"
Lily blinked at the sudden change in topic. "Er, well, I think it's pretty obvious. They're Unforgivables for a reason."
"Just because the Ministry says that doesn't mean that has to be your personal opinion."
Something in the way he spoke reminded her of a distant memory, one that she had long forgotten from her childhood. It had been before she received her invitation to Hogwarts when she was still learning about magic and all the things that came with it from Severus. The two of them were sitting beneath one of the stone bridges during a particularly hot summer, trying to keep cool in the heat when the topic had been broached.
"There are three curses that the Ministry of Magic forbids wizards and witches from using – they call them the Unforgivable Curses," Severus told her as she fanned herself, leaning up against the stone bridge.
"Unforgivable?" she repeated with childlike innocence. "I thought all magic was okay."
"One of them is to torture people, the other is to sort of make people like your puppet and the third..." Severus looked up from where he had been sketching a drawing in the silt. "The third is to kill people."
"But aren't there other spells that can kill people? Seems silly to only ban one."
"I don't think they should be banned," Severus told her, apparently bolstered by her open-mindedness. "When we're older, I hope we have a Ministry that gives freedom of choice to wizards and less involvement in which spells we can cast."
"You wouldn't cast them, though, would you?" Lily asked, pausing in her fanning as she looked at her. "To hurt people, Sev?"
"No," he hastily answered, "but we have a right to defend ourselves, don't we?"
"Oh. Well, yes, of course."
"I don't care what kind of magic it is," he continued. "If it were me, I'd use anything to keep us safe."
Lily smiled and leaned in a little closer, drawing a smiley face next to the little building he had been sketching. He smiled at it and looked up to meet her gaze. She briefly squeezed his hand with her own sweaty one. "We'll always have each other's backs."
There had been other telltale signs that Severus's perspectives regarding spells and curses had not changed over the years, although she had made herself ignore it. She had tried to turn a blind eye to the fact hat sectumsempra could be just as lethal as some of the Unforgivable spells. Now that Sirius had posed the inquiry, though, it made her uneasy about their encounter yesterday. She could not imagine he was asking out of curiosity alone.
"I could see them used maybe in war," she replied carefully. "But those spells require a lot out of energy out of your soul. You would have to want to torture or kill someone strongly enough in order for it to even really work. If you're that far gone in war...I don't know. I don't think it's worth the cost of your humanity."
"Excellent essay-style answer," Sirius remarked with an upward quirk on his mouth. "Snape doesn't seem to have that problem."
"Did he use one of them on you?"
"You don't sound surprised."
"I'm not," she admitted softly, looking away. "It's something I'd forgotten about him – or maybe something I tried to pretend wasn't real. It had always sounded philosophical – not something he'd put into practice. Or at least that's how I viewed it before."
"You said you'd believe me," Sirius said. "Would you believe it if I said he tried to use the Killing Curse on me?"
Lily did not look back at him, watching a lone student walk through the courtyard instead. It was painful to face, but she had seen it enough in Severus to know that he was capable of such a thing. She had seen how his emotions could get the best of him, even when they were kids. She had not forgotten the branch that had struck Petunia when they were young. He had always hated Petunia and it seemed that there were no lines he would not cross when it came to those he disliked.
Instead of revealing all of this to Sirius, she quietly answered, "Yes. I can believe it."
"That makes one of us."
"That's how you got in a fight with him?"
"Something like that."
"Sirius...I don't like this." She turned away from watching the student, her brow creasing in worry. "This is all my fault. I don't want your life risked just because we're dating – "
"Stop." Sirius raised a hand and straightened up from the balcony, turning to face her. "I don't want to hear that. Let's be honest, he would have probably found a reason to come at me like that eventually, anyway."
"But you could've died!"
"And what's the alternative? You staying single your whole life just to suit him? C'mon, Lily, that's not fair." He reached out and took her hand, kissing it affectionately. "I didn't tell you so you'd break up with me."
Shocked, she jerked her hand out of his grip and swung her gaze up to his face. "I wasn't going to! I don't want that!"
"Sounded like the typical set up of a break up conversation if I've ever heard one. And trust me, I've heard a lot."
In spite of his jest, she could hear the underlying hurt behind his words.
"I don't want that at all," she said firmly, "but I'm not going to lie and say I like that my childhood friend is trying to kill you!"
"Yeah, well," Sirius said, glancing away, "it's not like you're in any better position. You are dating someone in the Black family."
Frowning, Lily narrowed her eyes on him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"Oh, you know, usual pureblood, political bullshit," he replied with an air of nonchalance, waving a hand. "Muggle-hunting, incest, arranged marriages, and in-breeding – that sort of thing."
"How delightfully quaint," Lily sarcastically replied.
He smirked at her, amused at her tone. "Couldn't agree more."
"I don't care what your family thinks of my blood status."
"Don't you think you will when they start going after you?"
"No. I only care what you think. Do you care that I'm a Muggle-born?"
"Not in the slightest."
He reached out to her again, this time cupping her face in his hands, running his thumbs along the delicate lines of her cheekbones. He leaned down and kissed her, far more tenderly than she had been expecting. It was a sweet, soft kiss that warmed her very insides, an earnest promise to seal in his words. Withdrawing, he released her and seemed to drink in her appearance, making her cheeks suffuse with colour at his attention. Her heart fluttered in anticipation at the look, a hopeful whisper that she had been stomping down the past several weeks. There had been so many times that Sirius had looked at her this way, though, as if there was something more than mere attraction and dating between them.
Stop it, she scolded herself angrily. Don't even think about that. Look what happened last time you fell for a boy.
"And," he added, breaking into her thoughts, "I don't care what Snape, either. If I cross paths with him outside of school, there's a high chance he's going to end up buried alive somewhere in London."
"Don't say that!"
"Only being honest." He glanced out at the sunset. "Anyway, now you know. Let's move on to something a little more cheerful – are you still up for tonight?"
"Well, sure," she answered with a touch of suspicion. "Depending on how much trouble we could be in."
"I promise that it's entirely safe." He tapped her chin with his knuckle. "Meet me at the portrait hole tonight after the common room's cleared out."
"But how are we going to get back in? You know the Fat Lady gets stubborn if you wake her up late."
"Don't you worry, I've had my fair share of experience with the Fat Lady. I'll take care of that after dinner. Leave all the details to me."
"You're making me nervous about the details."
"Trust me, it'll be worth it." He grinned at her. "If you're going to date me, you're going to have to expect a little risk now and then."
"Thankfully I'm getting used to that," she said with a reluctant smile.
And this time, when he pulled her in again, she was quite happy to engage herself in being momentarily distracted from any of the details of that night or the status of her heart just then.
"What're you doing over there?" Remus asked, walking in to Sirius digging through James's trunk.
"Where the hell is James at?" Sirius asked instead, ignoring the question as he sat back on his heels. "I've been waiting around for him for the last hour and now I have to deal with this mess." He gestured disgustedly at their friend's trunk.
"Oh, who knows these days," Remus answered leisurely as he opened his own trunk and neatly added some books to it that he had been carrying from the common room. The boys' dormitory was loud with their classmates packing for returning home the next afternoon. "Last I saw, him and Peter were with Peeves terrorizing some first-year Slytherins. He was in a bad mood, so I think James was trying to cheer him up."
"Why? What happened with Wormtail?" Sirius asked distractedly, looking away from the trunk.
"Pretty sure he flunked his Divination and Astronomy OWLs. He's been in a state all afternoon."
"Who cares? Divination's worthless in the real world, anyway. It's not like he'd want to go on to NEWT-level."
"He cares, apparently."
Remus ducked as a charmed set of robes went flying from one end of the dormitory and back to the other, much to the amusement of two boys on the other end of the dormitory. The robes attached to their friend, who shrieked and tried to shake the robes off, causing the other two to explode into laughter. Sirius and Remus watched the display for a moment before Sirius returned to pulling things out of the disorganized trunk.
"What are you looking for?" Remus asked him.
"The invisibility cloak. I wanted to use it for a last chance at the restricted section to double-check some things."
This was the lie that Sirius had been planning to tell James when he had asked to use it, but James had not even questioned why Sirius had wanted to borrow it. That morning when they had been on the Quidditch pitch, James had simply said, "Go for it, it's in my trunk!" It had occurred to him then that James was too preoccupied with Marlene and vacation plans to find it odd, but he knew that Remus would have the eventual follow-up question. It had not occurred to him that James's trunk would be in the state that it was, either. He was sure that he had crushed some unwholesome potion ingredient on accident at the bottom and a box of old Christmas chocolates had become dislodged at some point in the year and were congealed on a set of old socks of James's. After the first, half-hearted search, he had chosen to wait for James and when time began to slink by, he had returned to the search a good deal more earnestly. He was still waiting on hearing back on his other errand from earlier that night.
"Oh, I've actually got it," Remus told him, rounding his four-poster bed and collecting the silken collection of fabric and tossing it to Sirius.
"You?" Sirius asked, catching it. "What did you use it for?"
"I also had to make a trip to the library," he answered with a sly grin. "How else did you think I managed to figure out that last bit of formula for the map?"
"Well done, Moony." Sirius weighed the invisibility cloak in his hands and then rose to his feet, closing the trunk sharply. "This thing never gets dirty or ripped up. I'm amazed, given how much use we've gotten out of it – and how James keeps his trunk."
"I don't think he keeps it in there anymore," Remus told him as he climbed into bed, pulling the covers around him. He had pulled out a book The Werewolf Experience: Famous Witches and Wizards Succeeding As Werewolves. "Right after he thought he spilled his ink bottle all over it last year, he's been keeping it on him. He thought his dad was going to beat him when he got back from school."
"I would. This thing probably costs a fortune."
"By the way, did you hear what happened to Snape?"
"Heard he got his Prefect badge taken."
"He abused that more that once, so I'd keep an eye out for him. He'll think it's your fault."
"D'you know if ever found his wand?"
"His wand?" Remus repeated blankly. "No idea. I just overheard some of the girls talking about him earlier at dinner. I'll be happy not to be at school and hearing about him, to be honest." He heaved a big sigh, sinking into bed and opening the book with a definitive air. "It's maddening."
"I'll be happy not to look at his stupid face," Sirius told him, stuffing the cloak in his robes. "Enjoy your book, mate. I'll see you around if you're still up when I get back."
"Thanks. Good luck, too."
Sirius checked his watch as he left the boys' dormitory. It was a bit past ten, so the Fat Lady would still be awake and he wouldn't be too far past curfew. He glanced into the common room when he left, but there was still a fair bit of students letting off steam after the OWLs. Most of the younger students had already gone to bed. He saw Lily and Alice sitting in the window reading over a magazine, their third friend conspicuously missing. Remus's suspicion about James's whereabouts seemed to be accurate.
Stepping out of the portrait hole, he made his way down a few corridors until he found the portrait of the gang of goblins at the pub. As he had hoped, there stood a dainty witch with a large decorative hat and a large feather plume that hung over the brim. Upon his approach, she turned from the goblin at the bar and gave a squeal of delight upon seeing him.
"Oh, darling, I thought you'd be by soon," Violet told him in a warm greeting. "Madam Irving on the fourth floor told me you managed to coax Sir Cadogan to go charging into the brewing portrait and scattering the dogs on duty. He seemed to be under the impression that he was on a hunting mission or some other. Very clever!"
"Is that enough for your celebratory night?" Sirius asked, gesturing towards the barrels that the goblins had confiscated from the portrait. Of course, being magic, more barrels of brew would materialize in the portrait, but it had taken Sirius quite a bit of hunting to find a new portrait to find Violet and the goblins some reasonable amount of Firewhiskey and wine. He thought it best not to attempt a heist twice from the same place given that the portrait occupants tended to increase security as a result. He had his eye on that particular one for the entire year after finding it last year, knowing that it would take a bit of scheming and perfect timing in order to get it. He had done this a fair bit with Violet and the goblins, though only utilizing it when he knew that the Fat Lady was in one of her moods. He rather thought that after dealing with students for an entire year, she might appreciate a night off.
"More than enough," she reassured him with a smile. "It's always a pleasure doing business with you, dear. I always know that I'll be able to sneak into my friend's portrait for a night of cards and drinks when you're around."
"As long as Madam Irving doesn't plan to tell the headmaster," Sirius said dryly.
"We paid her off good," one of the goblins grunted, patting a bottle of Firewhiskey. "She'll be sleeping like a baby tonight."
"Good," Sirius said, satisfied. "A well-needed night of rest for everyone before the end of term."
"I'll say!" Violet agreed. "I've barely been able to keep up with the gossip this year – so much excitement!"
Sirius chose not to inquire into that any further. He had been caught in enough conversations with her to know better. He began edging away as Violet began to chatter animatedly with one of the goblins about the recent rumor she had heard amongst the portraits, much to the goblin's displeasure. He returned to Gryffindor tower without incident and climbed behind a massive curtain in an alcove of the common room before anyone could take any notice of him. He pulled the velvet curtain back and after searching through the books in the shelves, chose a book about vampire hunters and leaned back against the old, worn-out pillows, flipping through it idly to kill time.
It seemed impossible to keep his mind on the exploits of Claudia Flocks, a fourth-century vampire slayer, let alone Orchard Dinkle, the first to brew a potent Garlic Elixir for use on oneself to smell so repulsive in order to repel vampires. He had been experiencing misgivings about using the invisibility cloak that night, even though he knew it was the safest alternative to sneaking out of the castle. It felt strange to be using James's cloak with Lily of all people and even though his guilt regarding his relationship with her had mostly subsided, he still hated lying to him and hiding things. But then, he also suspected that James had not been entirely open about his relationship with Marlene, either. It had morphed into something different in the past few months, though he did not think it was necessarily deeper than sexual attraction on James's side. He could not be sure. When it came to Marlene, James was suspiciously silent outside of his occasional complaint. Since Christmas break, James seemed unwilling to go into more personal details than necessary. It was unlike him.
Shaking the feeling away, Sirius did his best not to think of James or the possibility that the two of them were both hiding secrets from each other. Somehow that felt even more uncomfortable, knowing that James was a good deal more likely to have a moral crisis because of it than himself, if he was not already. As for himself, Sirius's family had attempted to beat all the morals out of him and Regulus as a child.
He forced himself to read about Orchard Dinkle until the common room began to get quiet. A bit past eleven, he stretched and shifted the curtain slightly to peer out in the common room to find it empty, save for Lily who appeared to be writing a long letter to someone. She had paused, tossing some sand onto it for it to dry and then inspected it critically. After a quick survey found that everyone else had gone to bed, he pulled the curtain aside, causing her to jump and nearly knock a stack of books from the table.
"Sirius," she breathed in alarm. "You gave me such a fright. I didn't even know you were there!"
"That's the point," he said meaningfully. "Come on, before someone else comes down. Did you see James come in?"
"No," she answered, setting her quill aside and rolling up the parchment. She hastily sealed it with some wax and then followed up towards the portrait hole. "I haven't seen Marlene, either."
"Marlene?" he repeated, glancing quickly at her.
"Oh, well..." Lily stumbled over her words briefly. "I just meant that it seems like a lot of people are out late tonight."
"Er...right. Well, come on, then. I don't want to run into any of them."
He pulled out the invisibility cloak and ushered her to get underneath it with him. After she had ducked her head beneath it, he pushed open the portrait door and the two of them slid out. As expected, the Fat Lady and Violet were well engrossed in their card game, the two women laugh uproariously at some story that had been shared. Satisfied, Sirius led the way to the fifth-floor corridor where the statue of Gregory the Smarmy was situated looking perfectly innocent. He had overlooked Lily's fumble, only because he had no idea where she would have learned about Marlene and James outside of her friend explicitly telling her about it, something he knew that Marlene had not done.
Pulling out his wand, he tapped the statue in a few discreet places and then cast the opening spell. The statue pivoted, allowing one person to slide in at a time. Pulling off the cloak, he ushered for Lily to go first and then followed her shortly after. With another wave of his wand, the statue closed and they were doused in darkness.
"Lumos," Lily whispered in the dark shortly before Sirius repeated the spell, holding the spell aloft. "Is that an invisibility cloak? Where did you get it?"
"It's not mine, I'm just borrowing it," he replied as he stuffed it back into his robes. "It's saved me more than a few times, though. I'm surprised you're asking about that instead of where this tunnel leads."
"Well, it's got to be out of the castle, isn't it?" she said in a practical sort of tone, holding her wand up and peering at the stone-covered walls.
"Soon you'll know all my secret tunnels."
"Will you take me through all of them?"
Sirius glanced at her in the dark, caught her smiling at him, and laughed. "Of course, if you want to. Never thought you'd be into that sort of thing."
"It's kind of fun, sneaking away at night."
"It takes so much more preparation than you'd expect."
"Really?" she asked in genuine interest as Sirius led the way down the tunnel. "What kinds?"
As they made their way through the tunnel, Sirius revealed all that he had done that evening in order to ensure a smooth exit from the castle. Lily listened attentively, laughing when he told her about Sir Cadogan and appeared deeply impressed when he told her about the multitude of portraits that he had to find with alcohol in them in order to bribe the goblins and Violet over the years. Spoken aloud, it made him sound more like a criminal than a common student. He had not even told James about some of the tactics he had used when their group was creeping out of the castle. It had been his own way of avoiding being expelled when he thought that Professor McGonagall was a little more testy than usual with him. He knew better than to tamper with her then.
"That's brilliant," Lily said to him after a time when they had been walking for some time. "I always wondered how much the portraits can really interact with the students. I mean, there has to be so many students out of bed past curfew getting up to all kinds of things, but it doesn't seem like they go running to the headmaster or tell other students if they overhear something."
"What I've heard from talking to some of them is that there are magical rules binding them from talking about certain things."
"Magical rules? Is that just in Hogwarts, do you think?"
"It probably varies. In Hogwarts, I think it's that the headmaster has to ask the portrait a direct question otherwise they won't say. I've tried asking portraits things that I know they've seen, but they won't tell students. But you can ask them about the ghosts and Peeves or about themselves or talk about other portraits. It's probably designed as a way of protecting student privacy. Couldn't tell you about other ones. I know the ones in my house won't shut up – you can imagine how they are after seeing Phineas – so I usually have the house elves put curtains over them. Drives my mum mad."
"The pictures don't talk in the Muggle world, so I don't have to deal with that," Lily said reflectively. "I don't think it'd be too bad if it was someone you missed."
"Seems depressing, if you ask me."
"You think so?"
"Sure." Sirius shrugged. "Who wants to be reminded of someone that's dead? And it can talk to you, too? I never liked that we could do that. It's a good piece of magic and I'm sure it was only ever meant as an honorable homage to those who are wise and can pass some information along. But I can see people obsessing over the dead that way, never really getting over someone and moving on. I wouldn't want to be turned into a portrait."
"Hmm...you might be right." Lily paused a moment to consider this. "Ghosts and living portraits – it's almost like wizard kind doesn't want to die."
"A lot don't. I blame it on our longer lifespans. Muggles seem to have a better grasp on their mortality than us. Give a wizard a wand and all of a sudden he starts seeking immortality."
"You talk as if you're speaking from experience."
"Too many pureblood families would be immortal if they had the chance," Sirius told her with a look of distaste. "As if they don't have enough problems in their bloodline."
"I'm glad you're not like that," Lily said quietly and reached out, taking his hand.
He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. "And I'm glad you came from a Muggle family. You can appreciate my love of motorbikes."
She laughed at this. "I don't know that I understand it, but yes, I can certainly see why you like them. Have you even ridden one before, Sirius? They're much more dangerous than a broom, you know."
"When was the last time you rode on a broom?" he asked tauntingly. "Because I think you've forgotten how dangerous that is."
"Um, well, not since our first year...There isn't any traffic when it comes to flying on a broom, though!"
"What about planes? You ever hear about witches and wizards dying from planes and the Ministry having to cover it up?"
"That's obviously not on the front page, is it?"
"Are you kidding me? No, absolutely not. They don't even have the right word for it in the stories. I've seen journalists call it everything from 'giant metal owl' to 'troll-in-the-sky.' You'd think they'd never taken a Muggle Studies class before."
Lily seemed unable to hide a giggle at this. "I doubt most people pay attention in that class, anyway. But fair enough." She tapped her chin thoughtfully. "How about we try it this summer?"
"Try what?"
"Riding! Mum and dad made me get my vehicle license just in case last year, so we could at least rent a moped in London. Petunia was telling me that a lot of the older boys have gotten into riding them. It shouldn't be too hard, I could teach you how to ride one."
Sirius looked at her askance. He had teased her about riding on a broom, but he had no intention of admitting that the idea of learning to ride a motorbike in front of her sounded downright emasculating. He did not particularly like the image in his head of him making a fool of himself in front of her. Then again, he had to remind himself that there was also no way that James, Peter, or Remus would even try it with him and if he had to choose someone to teach him, a Muggle-born witch was probably the better of the alternatives than wizards who had no idea how most automobile engines even worked.
Somewhat grudgingly, he said, "Alright."
"Don't sound so thrilled," she sarcastically said, a touch of offense in her voice.
"No, I am," he hastily said, catching sight of her face dropping. "But not in traffic first. I'll look like a prat."
Lily eyed him for a moment and then gave him a tiny smile. "I wouldn't worry about that. You seem to catch on fast."
Their conversation steered away from motorbikes and mopeds to Lily's sister, Petunia, who she reassured him was not the type of person he would ever want to meet. He found the stories about Lily's sister morbidly fascinating, even though she did, in fact, sound like a perfectly insufferable sibling. He had decided by the end of one story where Lily relayed Petunia bragging about bullying a girl to tears that he was grateful to have Regulus as a sibling and would consider himself lucky if he never met her. By the time he had gotten into a story about Regulus accidentally bewitching their mother's favorite house-elf statue, they had arrived at the exit of the tunnel. A set of stairs led up towards the door where a slit of light revealed the end of their trek.
He went ahead of Lily, prodding the door cautiously with a nonverbal homenum revelio before pushing it open and poking his head out. The exit led out into an expansive open field and the door was attached to what appeared to be a garden shed from the outside. He had been uncertain whether James would have come here with Marlene, but since the spell had not revealed anyone else about, it seemed to be safe.
"Come on," he said to Lily, stepping out and waiting as she pocketed her wand. "It's just up over this hill. They're usually here around this time of year."
"This is on the other end of the lake, isn't it?"
"Yeah, it's not far from Hogwarts."
The two of them made their way across the field towards the small hill. Sirius had only been here a handful of times since they typically used the other secret tunnels and it was something that he and his other three friends had stumbled upon last spring when they had snuck out of the castle. They had just nicked some food from the kitchen and were planning a late-night picnic here as an end-of-year celebration when it had been interrupted by the creatures. And then, just this spring a few weeks ago, the four of them had returned to the spot and discovered the same event happening and had assumed it was a seasonal occurrence. Sirius had thought of bringing Lily here then, but had thought that James, being the more romantic of the bunch, would have gotten the idea first. He was feeling rather proud of himself that he had managed to take advantage of it before James. Usually, he was lousy at thinking of things like this.
"Oh," Lily gasped, covering her mouth when they got to the top of the hill.
Just below them, a herd of unicorns were grazing peacefully in the grasslands beside the lake. In the dull moonlight, their pure white coats seemed to glow in the darkness, making the grass shimmer as they walked through towards the water. Across from the water, Hogwarts was reflected in the shiny surface, giving the place an ethereal, magical atmosphere that seemed too calm to interrupt. There were several unicorn foal that were nestled against their mothers in the grass, nuzzling against them or attempting to trot with their unsteady legs. When Sirius and the others had encountered it again this year, they had surmised that the unicorns would bring their offspring here after their birth on their way to moving back into the forest from their nesting area.
"Ace, isn't it?" Sirius asked her, looking down at the creatures. "Not every day you see this many unicorns."
"They're beautiful," she said softly.
"Come on, let's sit over here. It's far enough away they won't get bothered."
They made their way along the crest of the hill to an outcrop of rocks they could sit against. The two of them settled down, with Lily watching the unicorns with an express of rapture. Rather than only feeling pleased with himself, Sirius was beginning to feeling increasingly more awkward. He was completely out of his element here. What did one do after performing a romantic gesture? He had no idea. He had never gotten this far with a girl before, let alone wanted to do something like this for one. He was finding that he was working out of his comfort zone more often than not when it came to Lily, doing new things that seemed out of character for him, yet also perfectly in line with what he wanted.
He opted for silence, feeling far too tongue-tied by his thoughts to say anything clever and deciding that anything he said now would most assuredly ruin the moment. He had almost ruined it earlier in the tunnel when his pride had gotten in the way. He was grateful that Lily was so forgiving and he was so self-aware. A more stupid and stubborn couple would have been arguing in the midst of this scenery instead.
For a long time, Sirius stared up at the castle, a familiar, melancholy feeling overcoming him. It was much stronger this time. There was always a sense of dread at the end of the year when he had to leave his friends and go back home. Now, however, he had to add the pain of missing Lily onto it. He had spent so much of his time with her the past months in a comfortable routine that he was going to feel the loss of her presence more powerfully than even his friends. He had become accustomed to meeting her in the library or the little alcove in the north tower, seeing her during every meal and exchanging secret smiles. He even did not mind their occasional disagreements and arguments, although he could have gone without Snape being in the mix. He knew that he had some time with her this summer to look forward to, but outside of that, it was going to be a lonely summer. The reality that she could have such an influence on him was discomfiting. On some level, he wished he would not miss her.
Turning away from Hogwarts, he was alarmed to find that Lily was wiping her face from what he assumed were silent tears that she had shed at some point. "What is it?"
She was quick to flash a comforting smile at him. "I was just thinking...The beginning of this year was so miserable. I remember feeling like everything was going wrong and being upset all the time." She released a slightly bitter laugh. "You even saw me crying that one time. I must've looked absolutely ridiculous."
"I didn't think so."
"Well...thank you." She blew out a steady stream of air, her mouth curving into a soft smile. "After everything that's happened this year, this was such a perfect way to end it. I'm really glad you brought me here, Sirius."
If he had been feeling awkward and at a loss earlier, it could not compare to how he felt just then. He had never had a girl look so pleased with him, so utterly content and happy next to him. When he had first started seeing Lily, he was sure that he would end up disappointing her at some point – had been sure, in fact, that he had disappointed her when he and James attacked Snape after their Defense Against the Dark Arts OWL. She was so forgiving, though, and tolerant of other people's flaws. She was not expecting perfection and out of all the boys in the school, she had chosen him as her first boyfriend. Sirius had thought that was a giant mistake on her part at the time, but was selfish enough not to point it out to her.
Now, looking at her, he was not so sure it had been a mistake. She looked happier than he had ever seen her.
"You know," he said into the quiet, "I'm not just messing about with you."
"I know."
He was not sure why, but the answer irritated him. He could hear the uncertainty behind it, even if she could not hear it herself. It had not been the first time he had sensed hesitation from her when it came to his intentions towards her – a problem that had manifested because of the rumors surrounding him and what he got up to outside of school, courtesy of the Slytherin girls.
"You don't," he told her with a frown. "I'm not blind. You doubt me."
"It's not like that," Lily replied, though she would not look at him.
He watched her for a few seconds, waiting to see if she would say more, but she was watching one of the unicorns roll on its back in the grass and shake out its mane. Her hands were in her lap, clasped tightly as if to prevent herself from reaching out to him. He made himself remain silent, stubbornly refusing to speak after such an inadequate response. His silence, he hoped, would force her to address his accusation more appropriately.
"It's a stupid thought," she told him at length, twisting her fingers in her hands. "I feel like it's because I spent so much time trying to earn Sev's affection, now I don't feel good enough for anyone. I don't care about blood status and I know you don't either, but I start thinking that maybe a pureblood witch would be better for you. Rationally, I know none of it is true. Problem is, I still feel bad about myself and then also feel good with you. It's mental."
"Lily," he sighed. "It's not mental. Everyone feels like that. Bloody hell, even James feels that way with girls."
She cast him a skeptical look at this, laughing in disbelief.
"Look," he continued, running a hand through his hair nervously, "I love you. There isn't anything else to it. It's that simple for me. There are a hundred guys that are probably better for you than me and I don't care."
Unpredictably, he had said the one thing that he had not been intending and she was now openly staring at him, her cheeks a bit pink even in the moonlight.
"Oh," was all she said in reply.
He couldn't stop the laugh. "Is that all you have to say to that?"
"No," she immediately said. "I wasn't expecting that. It was just so easy for you."
"Shouldn't it be?" he returned a bit defensively. "I'm not going to lie to you if that's how I feel."
"You really are a wonderful person, Sirius," she told him with a tiny smile.
Sirius plucked a handful of grass and tossed it in front of him. This was not quite how he had envisioned this conversation and he could not help but feel a little bitter. He had told her in order to reassure her, but perhaps he should have just kept it to himself after all. Her reaction had been borderline insulting. "Yeah, well, glad you think so."
She slid in closer to him, leaning up against him. "That's why I love you. You make me happy."
He blinked, flicking a look down at her. He could not see her expression, her head bowed as it was against his shoulder. The building annoyance had instantly evaporated. Instead, he attached to her words: she loved him and he made her happy. It seemed surreal. The little nugget of doubt that remained behind tried to worm its way to the forefront of his mind, tried to remind him of all the insults from his mother and the girls that he had dated or been with outside of school, but it was hard to hear it when Lily was pressed up against him, her arm looped around his own in a gesture of comfortable affection. It did not matter what the other women in his life had thought – this one, right here, was happy with him.
"How come you didn't say that first?" Sirius asked, shifting so that his arm was around her shoulders, pressing her in closer. She gave a half-hearted attempt at a shrug, causing him to peer down into her expression. It was hard to read what she was thinking. After a moment, he sighed and leaned back against the rocks, his gaze drifting up towards the night sky. "Don't mistake me for Snape. I'm not out to hurt you, even if I am an ass sometimes."
She giggled at this description. "Good to hear you admit it because you can drive me mad sometimes." She raised her head slightly. "But what about you? Are you happy?"
Sirius considered the question, feeling that she was asking him something else. It was not simply 'are you happy with me,' and while he could not formulate the entire question into words, he suspected James was involved somewhere in it. At another time, he might have answered differently. He might have put James's feelings into consideration more, but he was reminded of his friend and Marlene on the Quidditch pitch, of how their faces had glowed together. He still had no idea what was happening between the two of them, yet it was clear that they were happy. James had been pursuing his own happiness for years, whether Lily was involved or not. Sirius had been held back by his own high expectations and stubborn unwillingness to let any girl in due to unpleasant experiences.
Whether it was from selfishness or normal human connection, he had chosen to go down this path with her because she had approached him. She had opened a door of opportunity that usually would have been shut if not for their forced interactions with each other during detention. Before then, neither of them had even noticed the other beyond their connection to James. Any other girl with Lily's pristine reputation would not have given him a chance and a better friend would have stepped aside regardless of whether she was interested in James or not.
No, he could not regret falling for Lily.
"Yeah," he answered at last, pulling her in more tightly, "I am."