(Chapter Twenty)

By the time Lily had arrived back home from London, she was already deep within the throes of confusing heartache. Saying goodbye to Sirius at the station had been harder than she expected. The week with Sirius had ben a beautiful respite from the summer doldrums and had given her a glimpse into the lives of her companions, who's after-date recaps had always inspired in her a bit of envy. She could well understand now why the column writers of the popular teen-girl magazine, Jackie, spent so much page-space on letters from their readers detailing dates, feelings, and all the in-betweens that came from trying to decipher the other sex's emotions. Not that Lily was ever interested in uncomplicated men. She had gone from a childhood crush on Severus, who was the definition of being unstraightforward, to secretly dating Sirius, of whom could pendulum swing from hot to cold on any given topic. He, at least, never allowed there to be room for misinterpretation on whether he was interested in her once he had made up his mind about it – and she was quite happy with the results of it.

Even in the midst of missing Sirius, however, she was glad to see her parents at the train station and gave them both a big squeeze of welcome. She was not surprised to find that Petunia had chosen to not tag along for the ride to pick her up and when they arrived home, Petunia was similarly absent, likely engaging with the neighborhood women once again or being otherwise occupied with her sweetheart.

The remaining summer days slipped by slowly for Lily. She found herself lounging on the front patio more often than not, reading through the letters from her friends and re-reading the ones that she received from Sirius. She laughed at the stories he told her about their house-elf, Kreacher, and the tale that he had begun to spin as a joke about Kreacher secretly being in love with his mother. It was as though she were reading column installments in a magazine.

Although he likely did not intend it, she was able to catch a glimpse of his life outside of Hogwarts through his letters. He would drop tidbits about his family, guests that were visiting, and his brother, Regulus. A few times she had felt that familiar twinge of insecurity when he mentioned guests, complaining about someone's daughter or his mother's not-so-subtle attempts at steering him to someone for an arrange marriage. The tone of contempt, however, always reassured her that regardless of what his mother might desire, Sirius had no interest in that area.

Out of all the people he wrote about from his family home, though, she enjoyed hearing about Regulus the most. It was clear that, even with their differences, Sirius loved and respected his brother very much. He would make teasing jokes about Regulus catering to their mother, yet it was never will ill intentions behind his words and it had never appeared that Regulus held any animosity towards him, either. She envied their relationship, especially since her and her own sister seemed incapable of finding any even ground these days. Civility was the most she could ask for from her sister, even when she missed how close they had been as children. It seemed that, no matter how much Sirius antagonized his mother, he and Regulus would always have their brotherly friendship.

Towards the end of the summer, Sirius's letters became more infrequent until they stopped altogether for several weeks. While she missed hearing from him, she realized that him and James almost always went on vacation together during the summer. Since Marlene's letters had become more frequent, she suspected that the two of them must have returned from their holiday together and were back at home. Given that James's family was well-off and Sirius's family certainly was abundantly wealthy, she would not have been surprised to find that the two of them had gone on a boys-only holiday with their other two friends. If he had, she was surprised that Sirius had not mentioned it, but did not worry overly too much about it. She was not about to harass him with multiple owls that he would have to explain away to his friends. She would wait until he replied to her last letter or, as it was getting closer to the start of term, would see him at school.

She felt a little pang of longing thinking about several more weeks without Sirius. After her parents had gone back to work after taking time off to spend with her while she was back, she did not have much to entertain herself outside of corresponding with her friends. In the past, she would have spent her summer with Severus, but she had been pointedly avoiding walking her neighborhood streets too much without her family in the hopes that she would not run into him. She had cried too much over their friendship and did not want to get into another argument with him about her dating life.

Instead, she indulged herself in relaxing, doing as little as possible to save every bit of energy and trying hard not to think about the fact that her OWL scores would be coming in soon or that her sixth year at Hogwarts would be just as academically busy as last year. It was best, she had decided, to be lazy while she had the chance and take advantage of being able to write to her friends.

Zanzibar is otherworldly in some ways, Marlene wrote in one of her recent letters to Lily. The feel of the heat on your skin, the clear-blue waters, even those nasty little sea urchins that come out during low tide – it was all so beautiful there. It felt as though I had truly found myself...and it was the happiest I had ever been. I wish you could feel that kind of happiness, Lily.

Lily had been mulling over the contents of the letter ever since she received it. To anyone else, it would have seemed nondescript. If Alice had not told Lily that James would be accompanying Marlene on this summer trip, she might have simply thought that Marlene was advising her to go on a far-away vacation soon. As it was, though, there was the unmistakable tone of lovesickness in Marlene's letter. Lily had re-read it multiple times with the same unease developing the pit of her belly. She knew that it was not her business to worry about what nonsense Marlene had gotten herself involved in when it came to James Potter, but after seeing Marlene the last time her heart had been broken, it made her anxious that Marlene might have gotten into a deeper mess than she was aware with James.

Being close to Sirius, she could concede that there were redeeming qualities about James, especially as a friend. Sirius had once told her that, out of all the girls, James's worst aspects came out when he was in front of her. It had been one of the few times outside of detention that Sirius had made any sort of remark about James's interest in her and he had been laughing about it, so she knew it was not one of his attempts to get her to become interested in his friend again. She had tried to watch him a bit more closely after that and while she had always known him to have a bit of a hero complex when it came to women, he also did seem genuinely kind where it mattered and, like Sirius, he was a clever student. She could well understand then why Marlene would have ever taken an interest in him at all. An athletic, charming, witty personality in a boy was exactly her type.

Dropping her hand holding the letter behind her head, Lily sighed and closed her eyes briefly. She had to remind herself that she was not supposed to know about James and Marlene at all – there would be no point in her worrying about whether Marlene was developing feelings for him when she could do nothing about it. Outside of Alice, to whom Marlene had finally confided in regards to James, Lily doubted that anyone else would have thought hers and James's relationship to be anything more than a brief interlude.

And besides, she thought, opening her eyes, Marlene would probably be worried about me if she knew who I was seeing, too.

This caused a small smile to form on her lips.

"What are you laughing about?"

She turned her head to find Petunia coming up the steps, silhouetted by the setting sun. Her hair was looking a little flat and wilted from the heat. Her dress, however, was suspiciously rumpled in places and her lipstick did not look quite as expertly applied as it had been when she had left.

"This letter from my friend," Lily lied, sitting up and brushing her hair back from her face. "Where are you coming from?"

"Just out with some of the girls," Petunia said airily, digging around in her purse until she found her compact. She frowned fretfully as she picked at her hair, peering into the compact.

Sure, you were, Lily thought skeptically to herself, taking another glance at the state of her sister's dress.

"Are mum and dad still out?"

"Yeah, they're at the McDougal's for dinner. Mum said we'd have to figure out food for ourselves."

"Of course." Petunia shut the compact with a snap. "I guess I should've grabbed something on my way home."

"We can probably manage a salad. It should be easy to put together."

Petunia wrinkled her nose distastefully. "In this heat? The lettuce will wilt in no time."

"Like your hair?" Lily teased, unable to help herself. Her sister shot her a scowl, though two blotches of pink appeared in her cheeks as she attempted to fluff her hair again.

"You know, I never asked you – how was London?"

"It was fun," Lily replied, folding the letter from Marlene. "I'm glad it wasn't too hot when I went. I would've looked a mess."

"Who'd you go with again?"

Lily paused, eyeing her sister suspiciously. There was a sly little smile playing around the edges of her lips, but there was no way that Petunia could have known anything. She had not been in London and she knew most of Petunia's friends from school. She hadn't recognized anyone from home that could have told her parents that she was in London with a boy.

"Alice and Marlene," she answered after a moment. "They're friends from school."

"Really?" Petunia dropped her compact into her clutch, digging around in it again until she pulled out a Polaroid, waving it with a smug smile. "Then who's this?"

Lily felt her stomach drop as she recognized it. It was the Polaroid that the American tourists had taken of her and Sirius. She had not thought to lock it away in her school trunk since it was a Muggle photograph and she had wanted to keep it at home for the holidays. She had still hidden it, of course, but Petunia was always good at finding her hiding spots. The fact that she dug around and found it was a testament to Petunia's ability for prying.

"Give it back," Lily quietly said.

"Why?" Petunia retorted in a too-casual tone. "Maybe I'd rather keep it and just drop it into dad's lap one day. Perfect Lily, sneaking around London with a boy – it'll shock them." She gave an unpleasant smirk.

"Give it back, Petunia!" She lunged to her feet and Petunia stepped away, holding the Polaroid aloft to where she couldn't grab it.

"I don't think I will, actually." She waved it above their heads with the same smirk on her lips. "Who is he? Your freak boyfriend? He's certainly an upgrade from that weirdo you used to hang around."

"It's none of your business!"

"I think it's mum and dad's business when you head off to London and come home with this. Did you spend a night with him? Is that why you went there?" Petunia cast her a shrewd look, her mouth curving even further. "Or did you spend the whole week with him?"

Lily said nothing, glaring at her, feeling her face go warm from both anger and embarrassment. Of all the people to find out, Petunia was one of the last she would have wanted to know about her trip to London, right next to Severus.

"You did!" She released a shriek of laughter, doing a little pirouette of delight. "My God, mum is going to lose it when she finds out!"

"If you tell them," Lily warned in a dark tone, "then I'll tell them you're moving in with Vernon and that you've been shagging in his Austin all year."

Petunia froze in her spinning, staring at Lily, speechless.

Several seconds passed as the two sisters stared at each other, Petunia seemingly trying to ascertain whether Lily was bluffing or not. The details were too specific, however, and her arm holding the Polaroid dropped to her side, limp.

"You wouldn't," Petunia said at last in uncertain tones. Her self-satisfied glee from moments ago had vanished.

"I would." Lily reached out and snatched the Polaroid from her. Petunia did not even try to keep it from her, a look of dawning horror crossing her face. "If you keep your mouth shut, I'll keep mine."

"Are you listening at my door now?" Petunia demanded in a shaky voice. "And listening to my phone conversations?"

"I'm not listening to anything! You're the one blathering on where anyone can hear you, don't blame it on me."

"You – "

"And," Lily said vindictively, cutting through her sister's words, "if you keep going through my things, I'm going to make sure the whole neighborhood knows."

"Nobody's going to believe you," Petunia spat.

"Mrs. Musgrave won't care if it's true or not – if she hears it, then she'll repeat it to anyone around her and you know she will."

The pair of them stared at each other, Petunia glaring so hard that her mouth was quivering. Lily had never been so angry with her sister, which was a miracle since Petunia had a long list of things that she had done over the years against Lily in an attempt to become their parents favorite or discredit her. She was not surprised that Petunia had searched her things, but that she would dare try to threaten her when she was about to do something much worse with her own boyfriend was too much to stomach. She had witnessed enough of Petunia's hypocrisy in the last few years to not expect it. She was not about to have her sister threaten her, use Sirius against her, and ruin the memory of such a perfect week together. This time, she would not stand for it.

"I wish you would just die," Petunia said in a whisper and even though tears pricked at her eyes, as if she resented saying it aloud, she did not look away from Lily.

Lily's mouth compressed, holding back her own angry retort. Instead, she said, "That's a horrible thing to say."

"I don't care. I mean it. I hate you. Ever since you became this...this...freakshow, I've hated you."

She stared at her for a few second before collecting Marlene's letter and folding the Polaroid inside. As she made to pass Petunia on the steps, she told her, "One day, you're going to wish you hadn't said such mean things, Petunia, and I'm going to be here when you're ready to say sorry."

Without giving her an opportunity to reply, Lily jumped down the steps and hit the sidewalk walking at nearly a jogging pace. Petunia did not call after her, she never looked back behind her, and her heartbeat remained beating fast from rage until she was several blocks away from their house.

The sun was setting, but the streets were still busy with children and families milling about in their yards and playing in the roads. Lily had no desire to run into one of the many neighborhood women that knew Petunia, so she instead made her way down to the fields by the small stream. She knew that the likelihood of encountering Severus there was high, but if she were honest, she would rather see someone from the wizarding world than any of the Muggles in the neighborhood. Petunia always managed to make her feel strange in her own home, as if she were, in fact, a freak amongst normal individuals. Not for the first time, she resented that Petunia could not understand what was so beautiful about performing magic.

Once she arrived at the stream, she settled herself on the bank and pulled her legs up to her chest. There was only a trickle of water moving through the silty bed of soil, most of it had dried up from the summer heat. It was quiet here, away from most of the houses and busier streets. She could hear the shift of the tall ryegrass as the wind swept through it, ruffling her hair and bringing the scent of the warm, summer air at sunset. There was a nostalgic quality to the scent, reminding her of different summers – ones where she would be running through these grasses with Petunia, of laying on blankets and flipping through books with Severus.

How different everything is, she thought at length, pulling out the Polaroid from her letter. The sun had dipped lower on the horizon by the time she had come out of her thoughts. She looked at her and Sirius pressed in close and for a moment, she did not recognize herself. She looked so happy and at ease, as if that were the only place she wanted to be in that moment. It's as if I was living a different life.

Footsteps sounded behind her and looking up, she was unsurprised to find Severus making his way through the grass towards her, though he paused when their gaze met. When she said nothing, he continued towards her and glanced down at the Polaroid.

"A Muggle photo," he commented and although there was an unpleasant twist to his mouth, he did not mention the fact that Sirius was in it with her. It was, she recognized, his way of calling a temporary truce. She could only imagine how much willpower that had taken from him. "Are you planning to enchant it?"

"No," she answered, tucking it back into the letter and stuffing them into the back pocket of her jean shorts.

There was a short pause where Severus hesitated on the threshold while Lily wrapped her arms around her legs, staring out at the other side of the stream bed. In spite of everything that had happened between them last year, what she had heard he had done to Sirius, she could not hate him. She wanted to hate Severus for being so unpleasant and knew now that his values and ideas of morality and ethics were so dramatically opposed to her own, yet she could not help but also see the good in him. She knew there was a good heart in him, no matter how much he tried to hide it. It was why she had stayed friends with him for so long.

"Can I sit?" he asked at last.

She hesitated a beat and then nodded. She realized after he sat down to her that if Sirius knew she had been talking to Severus again this summer, he would be livid. It was too late now, though, and it gave her an uncomfortable feeling in her stomach to know that she would have to tell Sirius and they would likely get into an argument – or at the very least, Sirius was going to be quite angry with her.

"Are you doing NEWT-level Potions?" Severus asked her once the silence had lengthened.

"I think so. Are you?"

"Yeah."

She watched an ant crawl its way over a rock, dragging what looked to be a bit of food. "What career are you thinking of going into?"

"I don't know. I'm just going to go into as many NEWT-level classes as I can – just in case."

"Oh."

"What about you? Auror?"

Lily laughed slightly. "No, that's not really my passion. I was thinking of maybe becoming a Healer. I think I'd be good at it."

Severus looked a bit cheerful at this information. "You'll need an Outstanding in both Herbology and Potions," he said thoughtfully, "but you're brilliant in Potions, so you don't have to worry about that."

"Only because you've given me so many tips over the years," she pointed out with a smile.

"Yes, well..."

The sun had begun to dip over the horizon and shadows were beginning to fall. The air had cooled since earlier that day, but it still had the remnants of heat, basking them in a comfortable air. The crickets had begun to chirrup and above them, the sky had begun to turn violet as the warm rays of sunshine began to fade. It was so quiet there, with only the sound of water trickling through crevices and trying to make its way through the heavy soils.

"This is nice," Lily told him softly, turning her head so that her cheek lied on the top of her knees.

"Yeah...it is."

"But I doubt you only sat here to talk about OWLs, Sev."

"I didn't really have an idea in mind when I saw you," Severus said in a surprising streak of honesty. "I just wanted to talk to you."

"Don't you ever want to talk to me at school?"

"It's different there," he answered, his brow wrinkling as he averted his gaze. "We're around Muggles here."

Lily blinked and raised her head, surprised. In the past, he would have usually avoided the question, changed the topic, or simply been silent. This was far more communicative than typical of him.

"Where'd you take that picture?" he asked abruptly.

"Picture?" she repeated blankly. "What – "

"The Polaroid, with Black."

"Oh...some tourists took it in London."

"You need to be careful with him."

"Sev, I've already told you – "

"That's not how I mean it," he interrupted her and made a vague gesture around them. "This, here, it's safe. There aren't a lot of wizards or witches around, let alone pureblood wizard families – or certain pureblood families. Nobody's going to care who is talking to who, but there's a lot of them in London, especially on his side of the family. They won't take well to him going around with a Muggle-born. It wouldn't be beyond them to kill you and it's not exactly hard to Transfigure a body."

Lily felt a chill run through her. "I...I know that."

"I don't think you do, and he's too hard-headed to see it himself." There was a distinct sound of bitterness in his voice. "The world is changing outside of Hogwarts. If you read the Prophet, you can see it – it's not obvious, not really, unless you're looking for it. You can tell that the Dark Lord's influence is spreading. By the time we're out of school, I doubt whether it'll be safe for any Muggle-born."

"And you're okay with that?" she asked him, her temper firing up again. "You're alright with the world being that way?"

"It's not about being okay with things," Severus snapped unexpectedly. "You either adapt or die."

"You have a choice, Sev!"

"I don't!"

Lily glared at him and for a moment, he returned her stare in kind until he looked away, seeming to regret his tone with her. She could not remember the last time she and Severus had ever shouted at each other – it had almost always been one-sided, one of them being frustrated with the other while the latter was apologetic. This time, though, she felt the disconnect between them – a strange misunderstanding that, it seemed, Severus was attempting to breach with her.

"The Sorting Hat," Severus suddenly said, "was created with a magic that separates people into houses based on their values and intelligence. You told me once that you hated that people were separated into different groups at Hogwarts, but it makes sense when you look at it. People like you and Black – it's easy for you to think of morality in terms of black and white – good or bad."

"Because it should be that easy."

"'Should be,'" he repeated meaningfully. "In real life, it's not like that."

"Meaning what?" she demanded.

He looked annoyed by her, as if she were being purposely obtuse.

"My family isn't rich," Severus said, "and my dad beats on my mum. When my mum chose to marry a Muggle-born, she got disowned from her family and she didn't tell him that she wouldn't be getting her inheritance. He thought that they'd be well-off and she promised him that she'd take care of everything. She was smart enough that she should've been able to, but her family dragged her name through the mud to where she couldn't get a position in the Ministry or anything worth working. By the time he realized this, they were married and I'd been born."

"I – Sev, I'm sorry – "

"I'm not telling you this for your pity," he cut her off brusquely. "I have a point to telling you all this. And it's not like they told me, I just overheard it from their fights since I was a kid."

Lily said nothing, falling silent. She could not imagine how this connected to what they had been discussing prior, but she was not about to interrupt again. Severus had never told her more than necessary when it came to his home life. This explained why he had never wanted her to come over to his house; she had thought it was simply because his parents fought and had no idea it was worse than verbal arguments.

"Since the Dark Lord's been gaining power," Severus continued, "my mum's been obsessed with the idea of glory. That, if I join the Death Eaters and become his favorite, her family will accept her again and she can have the status that she feels we deserve. She's been bitter about being forced to be a housewife and wants to work. She's spent all this time at home doing her own research and projects, but she can't get anything published because her family holds too much weight. And, if she makes a name for herself, I think she thinks dad will respect her and love her again." He gave a hollow laugh. "For someone so smart, she sure is stupid. It's like she forgets he's a Muggle. If the Dark Lord gains power, he'll be a target and she'll be labeled a blood-traitor. In her head, it won't matter because we'll be given immunity if I'm a Death Eater. Not sure how well that'll work out."

"But...your mum can't possibly agree with the Death Eater's views," Lily quietly said. "She married a Muggle."

"That's exactly my point." Severus finally turned his gaze back to her. "The real world isn't separated by good or evil. Generally, most people are morally grey. You obviously don't think Black is evil, but he's lying to his friend, sneaking around with you behind his back – does that make him a bad friend or a good friend? He'll bully and hex people he doesn't like, but won't go as far as using the Dark Arts – does that make him a good person or a bad person?"

She opened her mouth to defend Sirius immediately, but stopped herself. Severus was not outright attacking Sirius and in fact, he was making a very valid point that she was not sure she was comfortable with being revealed to her. If it had been anyone else looking in from the outside, she would have labeled Sirius as a bad person, just as most did to Severus, but just like with Severus, because she knew another side to him, she would never have labeled him as such. It was moments like these that reminded her how brilliant Severus really was and how much more flexible he was in his views than others. It also reminded her why she had always respected him and why, at one time, she had such a crush on him. He spoke like someone beyond his years and had a way of seeing things that others missed.

"So, what's your point?" Lily asked at last. "That you're going to join the Death Eaters for your mum and that makes you a good person?"

"I'm not saying that," he quietly replied. "I just don't want to think that you'll hate me one day. I'm not doing these things with bad intentions and it feels like you think I am." He spread his hands out and then dropped them, his brow furrowing. "I didn't go out of my way to hurt you, I was trying to keep you safe from the other Slytherins at school. I thought they'd torture you. It made more sense to me to make them think I didn't like you, but I never thought you'd think I didn't like you and I can't stand that you think that."

"Why didn't you just tell me that?"

"It wouldn't have been very convincing and I didn't want anyone invading your mind to know the truth. I thought about it all summer – whether it was safe to tell you – and I think you're good enough at Occlumency that you'd be able to close your mind off. I just – don't stop practicing it. I'm putting my neck on the line telling you any of this. It could completely sabotage everything I've been working towards if anyone finds out."

"I haven't stopped practicing," she said with a touch of irritation. "I'm better at it than you think."

"Well, good," he said somewhat inadequately.

They fell silent, Severus picking up a rock and turning it around in his hands before dropping it and digging around for another. She watched him weigh out rocks, seeming to look for a specific one before finding one and tossing it over into the tiny stream where it made a satisfying 'plop' noise, the water splashing over the dried banks. She could not have suspected anything that Severus had told her today and it certainly went better than any of their other conversations. Perhaps it was the heightened awareness of their peers, but Severus seemed far better prepared to communicate his perspective away from Hogwarts. And, she had to admit, she was less likely to blow up without her friends around to see her upset or Sirius to interrupt their conversation. Their emotions seemed more controlled when it was just the two of them, an observation that she had not had previously.

"Do you agree with their views?" Lily asked at last. "The Death Eaters, I mean?"

He released a small sigh through his nose. "I don't know. Some of them, I guess, but not the methods. I don't think the Dark Arts should be banned. From an intellectual perspective, they can be useful and there's a lot of ancient magic that's being forgotten because the Ministry has labeled it as a 'Dark Art.' The platform of freedom of magic – or intellectual research and experimentation – I don't see anything wrong with that. I like the idea of less Ministry control and regulations, and more power to wizards and witches. The division between us and Muggles, though..." He shrugged. "I don't agree with a lot of it, but I can see why it's appealing."

"You can see why it's appealing to torture and kill Muggles and Muggle-borns?"

"Historically, wizards and witches or any magical creatures were tortured and prejudiced against by Muggles," Severus said evenly, ignoring her tone of outrage. "The leprechaun population was decimated in Ireland and has only begun to stabilize in the last hundred years or so. I'm not saying I want to see it happen, I'm just saying I understand why some witches and wizards feel that way. In their eyes, Muggles are getting what they deserve."

"But it wasn't our generation that did those things!"

"Do you think people see it that way? Humans act the same way regardless of magical power. That's why I said most of us are morally grey. If you read up on Muggle history, they've enslaved and killed their own people and those marginalized people are just as resentful towards their oppressors. I think they'd love to rise in power and get some vengeance." He tossed another rock. "Besides, Muggles still fear us – your stupid sister's even like that."

"Don't bring my sister into this," Lily said tensely.

"Why? Did you have another row with her?"

Ignoring his question, she added, "And don't call her stupid."

"You don't even like her," he said scathingly.

"No, she just hates me."

Surprisingly, Severus did not press the topic, perhaps because he heard the note of hurt in her voice. She did not need to prove his point that Muggles were still prejudice against them and she had no way of reconciling that point. She hated that, as little as she liked it, Severus was right. The pureblood families that had been around for centuries, who likely knew which of their family members had been killed or hunted by Muggles, might very well have legitimate reasons for hating the non-magical population. To them, the ideologies that Death Eaters presented must have been quite compelling.

The sky above them had become quite dark, turning into a hazy blue. The sun had at last set, leaving the neighborhood shrouded in shadows. The distant sounds of children and families had faded away to where the grassland's only sounds were that of the crickets and stream water. Lily knew she would need to go home soon, though by the rumble of her stomach, she might need to find food first. She suspected Petunia would purposely do something foul to her food if she had made anything that night.

"I don't hate you," she told Severus after a time.

"You don't?" he asked doubtfully.

"No, I just hate some of the things you do." Lily straightened, stretching her legs out in front of her. "To be honest, I'm scared what's going to happen after school."

Severus did not seem able to provide any reassurances in regards to this.

"I have to go," she said, getting to her feet. "I think I'm going to go eat at the diner – do you want to come?"

"I better not," he answered, getting to his feet and checking his watch. "Mum will be looking for me by now."

"Okay."

"Lily," he hastily said as she made to go. "Wait."

"What?"

"If you ever need me, will you let me know?"

She eyed him hesitantly, her brow puckering. "Even...after Hogwarts?"

"Yes," he said firmly, "even then. I'll always be here for you, just from afar. It's safer that way."

Lily considered him for another moment and then sighed, smiling reluctantly. She knew that she could not change Severus's mind about his path and he seemed to have realized at some point in the last year that he could not change hers, either. Their perspectives and lived experiences were so different and she knew that he felt he had a responsibility to his mum, to make her proud in some way, and she had to respect that. He reminded her quite a bit of Regulus, who Sirius had told her was in a similar situation, so intensely focused on catering to their mother's whims to keep her happy. And, even though Regulus was in Slytherin and practiced the Dark Arts, she knew that Sirius could not have loved him so fiercely if he was not a good person.

She would not turn her back against Severus, but she knew that this would be the last open conversation they could have together. For the first time in their association together, she felt that she truly understood him and there was no question to his loyalty. In his mind, the only way he could be both a good son and keep her safe, to be her friend, was to act as he had done. If she were honest, she could not think of a different way, either, and no longer faulted him for his cruelty in the past few years. Maybe she was too forgiving in that regard, but Severus had gone out of his way to be honest for once and she had seen how much it had taken from him to be that vulnerable. Knowing how little he trusted other people, she was well aware that he had confided this in no one up until today. She would not betray that, not even to Sirius.

Instead of leaving, she stepped towards him again and then hugged him tightly. She could feel how stunned he was at the gesture, before he hesitantly and very timidly returned the hug. There were the pricks of tears against her eyes and she forcefully blinked them away. He was thinner than she remembered or perhaps she was so accustomed to Sirius that she had forgotten Severus's small frame. He still had that familiar earthy scent to him, like herbs and potion ingredients, and she knew it must be how his home smelled from his mother's many experiments and ongoing research.

"I hate the thought of losing you, Sev," she said quietly. "Promise me you'll always be my friend – no matter what happens or which side we're on."

"Always," he promised without missing a beat. "That'll never change."

She smiled, feeling him hug her a little tighter. Even with everything that had happened between them, there was no doubt in her heart that he was being honest. No matter where their futures lied, she would believe in him.