HARRY POTTER MYSTERIOUS ABSENCES
By Franklin Snodgrass
SCOTTISH HIGHLANDS
Sources inside Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry told The Quibbler that Harry Potter has disappeared several times without notice.
Although Professor Potter hasn't even completed a full semester as Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor, he has taken unscheduled leaves of absence on no less than three occasions. Since these absences have come without warning or explanation, Headmaster Alabanza has had to hurriedly find substitutes to cover his classes.
Frequently, those substitutes have been woefully unprepared to teach DADA material. Students have been taught by Muggle Studies, History of Magic, and Divination teachers, with varying degrees of success. Speaking on condition of anonymity for fear of academic reprisals, one student described a teacher setting fire to the classroom while trying to teach shield charms. Another teacher ignored the course material in favor of lecturing on the Goblin Rebellions.
Harry Potter, once known as The Boy Who Lived, is the former head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. It is unclear if his absences are related to unfinished business as an auror, or if he simply isn't prepared for the rigors of academia.
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DO NOT PRINT
The Quibbler does not take anonymous accounts and combine them with cruel interpretations. THIS DOES NOT FIT OUR STANDARDS.
Harry Potter has had enough troubles in his life without us adding to them. I am ordering a moratorium on all Potter-related stories until further notice.
To be clear: NO MORE HARRY POTTER IN THE QUIBBLER.
L.L.