*I'm not Stephenie Meyer (so I don't own any of Twilight aka SMILIGHT) and the proof of that is that I crave to give characterization to the wolfpack mothers. I believe in wolfpack mother supremacy. Does Smeyer even know who Joy Ateara is? Well, I do, and so does the HIVEMIND. This chap gives what Smilight desperately LACKED in the wolf mom department. Also, listen, I love BB (Blorbo Bella) but I'm going to have to throw her down the stairs a little bit and shake her violently. She needs it. Hope you understand. Thank you sooooo much to everyone who commented and gave kudos. It simply motivates me so much and gives me the strength to continue! TW: panic attacks, hallucinations*
"Hey, Bella, everything's going to be okay. We'll take you somewhere so you can calm down and be safe," Seth said as I shook in Quil's arms. I glanced up at him and nodded in response; it was the best I could do. It's rare to see Seth not smiling ear to ear, so his worried visage surprised me. Shame flooded through me when I saw his brown suede suit jacket and cream button-up, remembering he was a guest at the wedding.
"Where are we bringing her, Quil?" Seth asked.
"I guess my place. Just to get her over the treaty line. Emily's might be too much right now with the reorganizing she's been doing."
"Okay, yeah! I would say our house has room, but-"
"No," Leah hissed.
Seth sucked in a breath.
"My house will work, my mom is home, she can help out. Where did Sue park, Seth?"
"I'll know when we get to the street."
I wish I could say something to them. Tell them they can just leave me here, but I know they would never. At least this was better than having to face the Cullens.
I was tired of being a burden to the pack. Time and time again, they're pulled into danger, all because of me. And now they're stuck helping me again. Leah's hatred for me was completely valid. I'm not sure how Quil felt about me at this point, though if I had to guess, I'm probably just the nuisance vampire girl in his eyes. Still, I felt safe in his arms.
Despite their general apathy towards me, there has always been something uniquely comforting about the Packs' presence. They were loyal, warm, and brutally honest. And I knew they'd be there if I needed them; they'd welcome me on the rez even when I didn't deserve it.
I stared up at the lush tree canopies, their light sway grounding me in my body. The hyperventilating slowed the more I focused on the woodland around me. Quil's bare chest on my face kept me heated against the crisp, misty air. My nervous system was starting to compose itself.
I peered before us at the thinning trees, knowing it would have taken me ages to reach the forest's edge where the street was now in view. It was impressive how agile and swift Quil was; I remember when he was clumsy like me before he had phased. I hated being so far behind everyone else in my ability. I wished to be strong and graceful, too. But my stupid human nerves today just prolonged the process.
"It's over there, on the corner!" Seth said as he led the way out of the thick vegetation.
"You can put me d-down, Quil. I think I'll be okay."
"No, your feet are all messed up." He leaped on through the remainder of the forest and jumped down onto the road.
When we got to the car, Seth opened the door for Quil to slide me into the backseat.
"All good?" Quil asked me. I nodded my head yes.
Quil climbed into the driver's seat as Seth settled in next to me. Leah was in the passenger seat, silently staring out the window.
"How's your mom and Billy gonna get back? Charlie?"
"Yep," Seth said, buckling his seatbelt in.
The wave of dread ebbed and flowed on the car ride back to La Push. I stayed quiet because I knew that if I tried to speak, it could unleash the sobs again. I remained very still, dissociated. The pain in my feet and knees stayed merely in the background.
Quil parked the car once we pulled up to his home. It was a charmingly old, navy blue multistory with a small front porch. The silver Honda Accord parked in the driveway reminded me that someone was home, unleashing the dread inside me again.
Once Leah and Quil were out of the car, he tossed the keys to her over the hood.
"I hope you feel better; I am really sorry you are hurting so bad. I don't know if you've ever met Joy, but she's awesome. Don't worry. Oh, and she makes awesome huckleberry slump! We got your back down here, Bella. Promise." Seth said, leaning in to give me a one-armed hug.
"Thanks, Seth," I whispered, loosely reciprocating the hug. Leah climbed into the driver's seat and glared at me in the rearview mirror, which was my cue to get out. Quil guided me out of the car and had me lean on him. I limped to the front door, and Quil rang the bell.
"This is okay, yeah? You haven't said much or anything. I just figure you gotta get out of that dress and wash up; take care of the cuts. I'm going to see if Sam needs anything else from us."
"Are you sure I'm not imposing? I don't want to-"
"Nah, trust me, my mom will be happy to help you."
I looked down at my absurd condition. No doubt I was another pack order that he didn't want to deal with, but he had no choice.
"You seem a little better; you're not shaking as bad anymore."
The door opened, and Joy Ateara's eyes widened as she took me in.
"Oh…sweetie." She turned to Quil, waiting for an explanation.
"Mom, Bella here needs a place on the rez to decompress a bit. She has cuts all over her, from the knees down, too. Can you help her while I go meet up with the pack? I'll be back soon."
Joy's eyebrows knit together as she looked at me with pure pity.
"Of course, of course, here, let's get you inside. Go on, Quil."
"Okay, I shouldn't be too long." I glanced back at Quil while Joy guided me inside.
"Thank you, really," I squeaked to him.
"It's what we do." Quil took off then, sprinting down the driveway.
Joy led me into her modest living room. The pine green sofa contrasted with the light olive walls littered with framed photos. The antique rug on the floor led to the yellow kitchen, where she sat me down at one of its four chairs at the table.
"One second, sweetie," Joy said, and she left the room briskly. I heard her run up the stairs.
I pulled my feet up into my lap to inspect how badly they were cut up. I was surprised to see how bloodied they were, but if there's one thing I learned about adrenaline, it puts physical pain on the back burner. Horror washed over me as I saw the footprints on the kitchen floor. The sight made me sick to my stomach, but the last thing I wanted to do was make an even bigger mess to clean.
The rusty smell of the blood flashed the nightmare back into the forefront of my mind, and I gripped the tabletop for support. The panic was setting in, but I had to try my best not to make this any more difficult on Joy, who had no reason to help me at all.
A few minutes later, she returned to the kitchen with a first aid kit, a stack of folded clothes, and some towels.
"Ahh, I think we ought to do this in the bathroom. Are you able to follow me?"
"Yes." I stood up and felt dizzy all over again.
"It's right over here, under the stairs."
The bathroom was cramped, and the fluorescent light was disorienting. I sat on the toilet, watching the pale pink flowers on the wallpaper start to dance. The walls were breathing better than I was.
Joy crouched down in front of me with a wet washcloth and started to scrub the dried blood off my knees.
"No, no, please, I can do that in the shower," I stopped the towel in her hand.
"Are you sure? Well, let me at least help with your feet, then when you're out of the shower, I can bandage them up. I can help you out of the dress, too."
"I'm so sorry, Joy."
"Shhh. Do not apologize."
Joy scrubbed the excess blood off my feet over the tub as I winced in pain.
"This one is pretty deep," she muttered to herself. "You've got a lot of dirt in these wounds. I'm going to put the tub on and rinse them like that, OK? "
I nodded my head and tried my best not to yelp out in pain.
When Joy finished, she spun me around and put a washcloth on the floor. "Here, stand on this with your left foot to try and stop the bleeding while I get the dress off."
Standing and putting full pressure on my left foot hurt the most; I could definitely feel the deep gash start to throb. She propped her foot up on the toilet and undid the back of my dress quickly; it practically slipped off my body. I stepped out of the dress as she put the shower on.
"OK, sweetie, go ahead. Call me when you're done. Just please be careful about those cuts."
She shut the door lightly behind her, but it still caused me to jump. I awkwardly slipped out of my bra and underwear, trying my best not to hurt myself further.
The warm water invited me in; I breathed a sigh of relief. I lathered my hair in a homemade yucca root and yarrow flower shampoo. The dried blood on my knees flicked off by the water pressure and flowed down the drain.
This is not how I imagined this day would go, that's for sure. I did not expect to wind up in Quil Ateara's home when I should actually be enjoying my wedding after-party with my husband. Honestly, I never was able to imagine the day in my head at all. I was indifferent to the idea of marrying Edward, as it wasn't my idea or choice to begin with. I suppose that's why Alice didn't see it.. or she couldn't see it because I ended up on the reservation. Had I known that was going to be my decision all along?
How on earth am I going to face Edward after this? How do I explain that I can't live without him but that a wedding was clearly too much for me to handle? I'll never be taken seriously again. Now, would I still get my deal of the bargain? All Edward wanted as compromise was my hand in marriage, which seemed so pointless and juvenile in comparison, and I couldn't even give him that!
While tilting my head back to wash out my hair, water flooded my nose, and shampoo got in my eyes, and I could not open them.
The panic officially set in.
I was drowning again.
"This was never just a dream, beloved," Edward's velvety voice purred in my head.
"You will be consumed by emptiness. You will be deranged for blood. Your love for me will fade with time. But you'll be stuck. In this sea. With me." Edward smiled at me, eyes ruby red, as he jumped into the ocean of blood with me.
"Safe at last. Frozen. Indestructible."
I became hysterical, trying to rub the shampoo out of my eyes with water. Blinking past the burning soap, I slapped myself so hard on the head to make it stop. The shower tiles were fuzzy; red started pouring out of the grout.
"Drink up, Mrs. Cullen."
The scream that escaped my lips didn't feel like my own, blood-curdling and desperate. I repeatedly hit my head harder, then slid down the shower wall into the tub. I pulled my scraped knees to my chest and screamed down the drain.
"Bella! Bella, oh god." Joy shrieked, running into the bathroom
Tremors ripped through me like the waves. It felt like a possession.
She tore open the shower curtain and gasped. "What's happened, did you fall?! Should I call-"
"No," I barked out.
"Honey, I need to get you help. I don't know what-"
"No, no."
Joy pushed the shower curtain back for my privacy and paced around the small bathroom. I could barely breathe.
"I think I need to call your father, Bella."
"No."
"You're having a panic attack."
Defeat consumed me, and I wished to be sucked down the drain.
"Bella, I'm going to put the cold water on, okay? It's supposed to help with panic attacks. It's going to be very cold; just breathe."
I couldn't respond.
Joy reached in around the curtain to twist the shower knob, and shortly after, the warm water ran freezing. It immediately shot through my body like electricity, forcing my posture upright. The shivering intensified, and the words just spilled out.
"I-I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how to get it to stop; I don't know what to do! I'm so sorry you have to deal with this," I wailed out. "I don't know why it's happening; I can't control it. It feels like it's been building, and it feels like it's taking me down!"
"I know, I know. Let it all go."
"I don't know where to go from here! I don't even know why I ran or why I'm feeling this way; I thought I knew what I wanted. I keep getting these flashbacks that won't stop. It's like I have no control over my mind at all."
"Bella, I know that you don't know me, but I have always kept you in my thoughts. We all do on the rez. I don't know the details of everything; of course, I don't know what happened today but don't doubt that intuition. Whatever you are feeling is real, okay? From what the boys have said, I know you have been through a lot. I can't imagine being in your position. You need to let yourself think and feel. You are so young. Give yourself some space, you need to."
The broken sobs wretched through my chest.
"I- I'm not a victim. The Cullens never hurt me, that's the thing. They don't k-kill people. They p-protect me. And I love him. I can't understand why I'm feeling t-this way. It's so c-confusing."
"You have been traumatized. You are not meant to go through all of what you have."
"I h-have to change."
Joy reached her hand around the curtain. I weakly held it.
"No, sweetie, you don't.
"You don't understand; I can't lose him again! It nearly killed me. It destroyed me from the inside out. It ate at me; I wasn't living anymore!"
"And what's eating at you now?"
"I-I don't know."
"It's obvious for anyone to see. And if you say you weren't living without them but what about when you turn into one of them? You really won't be living."
"No, nobody knows him or them. Nobody knows us. He never would hurt me."
"Breathe. Breathe."
I steadied my breath.
"I know they aren't exactly like the others, but something told you to run. There is no good way for this to end. It's life or death. And honey, if that weren't the situation, I wouldn't be saying a thing to you right now. That's too heavy of a decision for anyone, do you understand that? I'm not saying you're incapable of making a decision; you are. But this is a decision no one should have to make."
"I know," I weakly choked out.
I did know.
"You will heal. You will."
"It hurts so bad," I whispered.
"It's going to. That's the beauty of being human." She squeezed my hand.
—————-
It took a few hours for me to feel back to normal finally. I desperately needed to talk about it all with someone. The more Joy and I spoke, the better I felt. Being vulnerable was not something I ever particularly liked, but I didn't seem to have a choice in the matter now. I couldn't keep it locked down anymore or I think I would implode. Quil still had not returned, but it was for the best.
I spoke with Charlie and Renee on the phone briefly. Charlie respected my desire to be alone but Renee insisted she see me. But I refused to deal with my erratic mother, and I felt horrible about it. Thankfully, they both knew not to tell me about anything that happened after I ran off. The thought of everyone else's reaction made me shudder.
Joy's fur-lined slippers felt comfortable on my bandaged feet as I shuffled to the couch in the living room. I wore her oversized pink hoodie and grey sweats. Joy sat down on the far end of the sofa.
"Your cuts will feel better in no time. But if only you could heal like my son," she smiled, lifting her cup of tea to her lips.
I reached for my mug off the coaster, assuming the cranberry orange tea had steeped for long enough.
"If only. Gosh, what freaks." We both laughed.
"It's bizarre to watch it happen in real-time, the healing. Have you seen it on Jacob?"
I nearly choked on the tea hearing his name.
"Uh, yeah. And, of course, he always thought it was amusing to freak me out with it," I said, rolling my eyes.
"I bet," Joy smiled. "He just wanted to impress you."
I looked down into my mug.
"So, where is Old Quil today? I'm relieved he didn't have to witness all of… that. I'm still really, really sorry that you had to."
"He went fishing today alone, should be back later on. And quit apologizing. As if I haven't seen worse."
"It's just embarrassing. This whole day has been."
"Sweetie, it isn't embarrassing to have a panic attack. It isn't embarrassing to do what you feel you need to. That was your gut. Don't ever forget that."
I drank my tea, staring off into space.
"I know it must be…hard for you not to have anyone to talk to about any of this. Well, I know you and Jacob are very close but other than him, you can't tell your friends or your parents. You know, I feel awful seeing the parents here not know what's going on with their kids. I think, in time, they will know, but in the meantime, it puts a major strain."
"You knew this would happen to Quil long before he phased, right?"
"Yes, that's right. It definitely was not an easy position to be in. Once it happened to Sam, it was basically a ticking time bomb. Then I had to watch Jacob and Embry, his two best friends, push him away. He was in a bad spot, and I felt horrible that I couldn't say a word. He sensed I knew too; that was the worst part."
"I remember. Not knowing with Jake was horrible, and I talked to Quil about it. We had no idea what was going on. We were bent out of shape about it. It felt terrible when I saw Quil just roaming around, not knowing, after I knew."
"It was hard for him."
"And yeah, it does get a little lonely sometimes, not being able to talk about any of this. I feel like I live on a completely different plane than everyone around me, including my parents. It feels like repelling magnets."
"Oh, honey, I understand. Community is everything, though. I think I would have gone mad without that," Joy said, setting the tea down on the table to put her hair in a loose side ponytail. "Charlie is a gem. He's a good dad, too, loves you more than anything in the world."
"He is," I said, voice cracking. I hid my face. There was a moment of silence.
"Bella, he'd be devastated. I'm sorry, I don't want to overstep, but if he knew…or if you…"
"I know."
"It's been a long day for you. We can talk more about it all another day. If you'd like to, of course."
"I think I would like that. Plus, I have to come back for your huckleberry slump that Seth was raving about."
The door opened then, and Quil came barreling in with Sam behind him.
"Oh, hey, boys." Joy steadily peeled herself from the couch.
"Hey, Joy. Bella. Everything… okay?" Sam studied my face.
"Um, hi, yes. I'm feeling better now. Sam, I'm really sorry for getting the pack involved in my drama again and-"
"No, I made the pack involved. Too many new vampires in one spot. Plus Jacob. You running off wasn't on our radar, but I'm glad we could help."
Quil stepped closer to me.
"Speaking of Jacob…do you have any idea where he could have gone? You spoke with him earlier, yeah?" He asked.
I raised an eyebrow.
"Yes, I did. You're asking me where Jacob is? Can't you phase and hear him?"
"That's the problem. We don't hear him. His car and bike are both at Billy's. We checked town for him in every imaginable spot that he could have gone. He's nowhere. But we just spent hours as wolves, and we heard nothing," Sam replied.
I felt myself freeze.
"I'm sorry, Bella. I know you're not having a great day, but.."
"What could this mean?" Joy asked.
"I'm hoping the kid hitched a ride and is pulling his typical bullshit. But I don't know why he wouldn't just take his bike or car. And if he didn't want to deal with us in his head, he knew we would respect his privacy and phase out," said Sam.
"Do you know where he could've gone? Did he mention anything at all?" Quil asked.
I forced myself to speak through the knot in my throat.
"N-no, he didn't. We spoke for a few minutes beforehand, just catching up because he was gone for so long. And I saw him at the altar, but he vanished shortly after. I saw his boots and shredded clothes in the forest."
Sam and Quil looked at each other. I didn't like their expressions.
"I don't understand…" Joy whispered.
Sam looked at us gravely and said the words I didn't want to hear:
"We think Jacob is in serious trouble."