*HELLO MY LOVELY READERS. are u still there? I hope so cause I'm not giving up on this fic. It haunts me day and night, so if you are emotionally attached to it, you're in luck! I'm stuck! But with that being said, I have been working a ton and am in the process of moving cross-country.
This chapter I wanted to really get right as well, so it took a bit longer. It's also 7k cause one thing about me I won't shut up.
This is a Cullen chapter, sorry. But it's gotta happen.
Btw the parallels between Joe Goldberg from YOU and Edward Cullen are astounding. I read midnight sun and then read You and I could write a damn thesis about how they are similar (i already did on tumblr cuz I'm nuts).
Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Also, if you are seething and craving Jacob and Bella to be together already, I wrote a sickening fluffy one-shot called Flower Moon! Go read that to suffer through this torturous slow burn!
I nearly fell off my bed as I swiftly spun around to see who was climbing through my window. But Edward was already standing in front of me.
I gasped and scooted backward.
"Edward," I said once I was composed. "Y-you scared me."
"I didn't mean to frighten you. It's okay, please." He reached his hand out to graze my chest. "Calm down, your heart."
A bewildered look ate away at his perfect face, and the deep onyx of his eyes indicated that he was starving. He was still wearing his suit, minus the jacket and shoes, and his tousled bronze hair made him look almost rabid. Though it was impossible for his face to ever change, he looked nearly unrecognizable in the shadows of my room. There was only one other time I remember seeing him like this, unkempt and defeated. Erratic. And it was when he went off to die in Italy.
I've hurt him badly.
I sank further into shame.
"I'm so sorry. I don't even know what to say. I wasn't ready to speak with you yet. I told you, I told you… not to come."
He slowly paced around the room, hands behind his back, eyeing every corner. What he was looking for, I wasn't sure.
"Yes, well, that was yesterday. I wasn't sure if you'd changed your mind. Regardless, I don't think I could've waited much longer." He looked at me with sincere pain in his eyes, a pain I've not yet seen. The agony dissolved his flawlessness, and he looked almost human.
Instantly, he knelt before me, staring at my feet.
"How are your feet feeling? I saw you limping to the car."
I knew it.
"They're fine, healing. Still stings, but I'm walking a lot better. I can ignore it."
He pulled one of my ankles toward him to inspect my sole.
"Want me to wrap this better?"
"No. It's fine, really."
"Or Carlisle can, of course."
"Edward. Why did you come here?"
He released my ankle and went back to striding across my room. The speed made it seem like he was glitching in the casting glow from my window.
"One day felt like a century. I don't get the luxury of sleep like you do. I would kill for 8-10 hours of unconsciousness. Though, I bet I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all knowing you were on the reservation."
I grit my teeth. "They would never hurt me. And you know that."
He stopped in his tracks and stared at me coldly.
"No, I don't know that. Neither do you. Do you not realize that they dislike you? I would say some of them hate you. I've been in their minds."
"Exactly, and you know they wouldn't hurt me even so."
He scoffed.
"You don't understand how difficult it was for me to allow them to take you away from me that day. But I knew you would have wanted to be far from the guests and my family. If I knew you were sleeping at the mongrels' house, I would have never-"
"Stop." I lept off the bed, my hands starting to shake. "Just stop!"
"Did they hurt you?" He floated in front of me, checking my body for injury. He delicately caressed my face. "Are you harmed?"
I stepped back out of his grip.
"No!"
"They're volatile creatures. Their minds work incredibly differently than any others. While working with them fighting the newborns, I've heard their moods change in mere seconds. An excellent ally to have in war, but not to keep as company. They are strong, faster than me, even. Deadly. You should know this by now."
"And so, vampires aren't volatile? What am I missing here, Edward? Your own brother tried to kill me. None of your family could bear to be in a room with me when I bleed. The wolves have never hurt me, and I'd be good as dead if it weren't for them. Their sole purpose is to protect humans."
His charcoal eyes distended.
"You're right, of course, we are also dangerous. But we're more mature and stable. Jasper is better now; I wouldn't allow him near you if he wasn't."
I laughed. "He's better? After what, a year? What changed? Nothing. You're being a hypocrite!"
"Shush. You'll wake Charlie."
I crossed my arms and sank back onto my bed, looking away from him.
"I'm sorry, love." He crossed over and knelt in front of me. "I am not here to make you upset. I only came for some answers. I have been going mad. Please, look at me." I did, like an automatic command. It was nearly impossible to resist his pleading.
His cool hands reached for mine, and he searched my eyes. "Please tell me why you ran. Don't make me beg."
His irises felt like a void I was destined for; all rational thought drained from my mind while I descended into the endless depths. The freefall sent ticklish waves through my stomach, much like a drop off a steep cliff. It felt exhilarating. The darkness beckoned me, and I needed to be entrenched within it- to bask in it.
I needed to be his.
"Bella?"
I shook my dizzy head, avoiding his eyes.
This is why I needed to be alone.
I thought back to a few days ago when Alice's eyes scrambled something in Charlie's brain to curve whatever he was to say to her will.
"Do all vampires have the mood control power like Jasper?" I whispered, looking into my lap.
"What?"
"Answer, please."
"No. That's only him. You know this. Only the three of us have gifts."
"Do all gifted vampires have mind control abilities then?"
"Mind control? I know some of Carlisle's friends have similar abilities, I suppose. Why do you ask?"
"Never mind."
He moved my hair behind my ear, inviting me to turn towards him.
"Will you answer my question now?" His icy breath lured me closer to his face, but I still looked down.
"I… don't have the answer."
He hesitated for a moment and then nodded towards my stomach.
"Does this have anything to do with it?"
I looked down self-consciously. "What do you mean?"
"Your shirt."
"What about it?"
"Is it the wolf you want?"
I glared at him.
"Really?"
"Well, it's his. Why wear it? It reeks of him."
"I had nothing else to wear," I said through my teeth.
"Perhaps you ran because you realized you wanted him instead. Your love for him couldn't diminish in such a short time; it makes sense. It's only been about a month and a half since you kissed him, admitted you were in love with him, and ended things with him. Do you remember how you cried on me? I have never seen you in so much pain. Seeing you cry over him in that way will never leave me; it haunts me. I think I know the answer, but please, I need to know. Is that why you wear this?." He grew desperate.
"I can't do this right now. There is a reason I said I needed time."
"Tell me. You need time because you are still in love with Jacob Black, and you want to be with him. You stayed on the reservation because you were expecting him to be there. But he wasn't, so now you're in limbo, and that's why-"
"Wait, how do you know he's not there?"
"Word travels fast. Also, in case you forgot, I'm a mind reader."
"What? Who could have told you that? Edward, do you know where he is?"
"No. But I see you're worried. I could look for him, but is it necessary? He does seem to run at any minor inconvenience. I'm sure he'll be back soon enough," he muttered.
"I wouldn't call this situation a minor inconvenience in Jacob's perspective." I rolled my eyes. "He knew I was going to be turned right after we married. I think he needs some space and wants to be alone to grieve," I said, chewing on my lip.
"I'm sure you wish he knew that you ran; then it wouldn't be an issue. It's a shame; we could have settled this much sooner. I'm sure I could find him, and we can all have our answer. But in the meantime, will you answer something for me?"
I nodded.
"If he was on the reservation that day, would you have taken off with him?"
"No, I would not have taken off with him. Now, no more of this!"
"You are young and confused; I expect nothing less, but I need you to tell me why you couldn't exchange vows with me. You believe withholding the truth saves me from hurt, but it's the withholding I cannot bear. I may not have a beating heart, but…," he murmured.
"It was just all too much."
"So, you don't still love him?"
"Edward! I'm trying to tell you."
"Go on, then."
I hesitated and chose my words carefully.
"I have been having flashbacks. It's especially bad when I'm under stress. I've been trying to keep it under wraps as best as I could, but I snapped; I couldn't handle it. Edward, I wasn't ready, okay? I need to sort through things in my mind."
He stood up and slowly paced again.
"Will you ever be? Ready?"
"I don't know," I said quietly.
"Bella, if you want to stay human, you know I'll be the happiest creature alive, but I worry it may be too late. The Volturi. They'll be coming to check if you're still human, and issues will likely arise from this. If you've changed your mind about turning, we'll need to discuss this with my family to figure out what to do." He twirled around, breaking his pace, and looked at me. "Have you changed your mind?"
It took a moment for me to respond.
"I don't know."
In one blurry stride, he was next to me on my bed.
"Sleep on it," he cooed, stroking my cheek. "Tomorrow, I'll come get you first thing in the morning, 7 am, and bring you to my place. It will all get figured out. I promise."
I didn't look at him, couldn't.
"Edward, I really don't want to go there yet. They're probably so upset with me. Alice probably hates me."
"They aren't exactly happy, especially Alice, but they're more confused than anything. I know it isn't exactly comfortable, but unfortunately, there is no other time. We need to come together to keep you safe. No matter what you end up choosing," he said, pain leaking into his voice. "Okay?"
"Okay. Does it have to be so early? How about the afternoon so I can-"
"No. 7 am."
"Is there a reason?"
"Bella, why must you be so difficult?"
"Fine. I'll need to sleep now, then." I scrambled out of bed, gesturing towards the window, but he stayed put.
"Am I not allowed to stay at least until you're asleep?"
"Edward, no. That's not really appropriate right now, don't you think?"
He crossed over to me in a second and leered down, searching my face.
"I love you. You must know that. Nothing changed for me. I'm hurt; trust me, I am beyond hurt, but nothing could stop my loving you. Only a few days ago, we were to be married; you were to be my wife. And now I can't make sure you fall asleep? Please, I don't have to stay in the bed," he said, inching his body close to me. His scent nearly sent me into a trance, but I broke free from him and turned away from him.
"I will see you in the morning."
I slowly turned, peeking through my hair to see if he left, but he remained in the center of my room.
"Okay," he finally said. "Promise me something right now, though, before I go."
I turned around, and he was looking out the window.
"Do not let the wolves come into your room. I mean it, Bella. Do not."
"What? The wolves? They're here?" I asked, scurrying past him, but he grabbed my arm and spun me to face him before I could get to the window. He gripped both of my shoulders in his cold grip.
"Don't let them in. Don't listen to them. You can't believe everything they say. Remember, they are not fond of us. Go to bed and keep the window closed. I'm serious, Bella."
"What is this about? How long have they been outside? Who-"
"It's not about anything. They're concerned I'm here, ensuring I don't turn you." He rolled his eyes, and I calmed down. "I'm not sure if they'd even try to come into your room, but don't allow it if so. They seem very aggressive right now; I can hear them. Now that they gave you refuge in La Push, their childish minds perceive that as you being one of them. So they feel the need to protect you from me."
I cringed at the thought of the wolves circling my house, feeling the need to protect me again. I didn't even want to see them. Besides, Jacob certainly wasn't the one out there; he'd already be climbing up. The sooner Edward left, the quicker they would leave and get back to looking for Jake.
"I just want to go to sleep, Edward," I mumbled. I shook out of his grip and walked to my lamp to tug down the pull chain. "Goodnight, " I said as I crawled into bed. Edward's grief-stricken face lit up in the moonlight.
"Goodnight, Bella."
And he was gone in a flash.
———-
To compensate for my overwhelming humiliation of facing the Cullens, I dressed nicer than usual. The nightmares woke me at 5 am, which gave me some extra time to get ready.
I tried desperately to make myself look appealing, but it was useless. I searched for the confidence that possessed my body last night before Edward came, but it shrank when I thought of being perceived by vampires. It was silly to think that what I wore mattered. Regardless, I was still just a human.
Charlie was still asleep when I snuck out the front door at 7. I left him a note on the kitchen table stating that I forgot to mention I had plans for breakfast at The In Place with Angela and that I'd be at her house for the day. He'd be relieved to know I was having some girl time to talk about the week's events.
I felt myself shrink smaller and smaller the closer we got to the Cullens home. The tight burgundy knit dress I wore felt as if it were becoming fused to me. I had to keep pulling the turtleneck part off my neck to allow myself to breathe. It felt like it was swallowing me. The tight nylon stockings on my legs were itchy and irritating on my bandaged feet. I tried to focus on the raindrops that cascaded down the passenger window to calm me down.
Edward hummed along to the music on the radio. We hadn't said much to each other the entire morning. I think that was his idea of giving me space.
The Cullens house was colder than usual. Quieter. Extra sterile. You wouldn't have guessed that a wedding was held here only a few days ago. A chill ran through me that I had to shake off.
"Where is everyone?" I asked, clinging to his side, not wanting to wander alone through the house.
"Hunting. Alice and Jasper are here, though; they just got back."
I felt my throat thicken.
"Okay."
He led us to the living room, where Alice and Jasper sat. When we entered, Alice didn't look up at us.
"Hi," Jasper said. I pursed my lips and awkwardly waved.
Blood rushed to my head, and I felt sick. I would've rather been anywhere else.
"I brought Bella here to…discuss everything. She's ready to talk now."
No, I certainly was not. But what choice did I have?
"They will be back soon," Jasper said. He rubbed Alice's thigh while she glared at the wall, arms crossed.
"Alice," Edward called.
She stayed silent.
"Bella wanted to apologize-"
"I don't accept," she barked.
I wanted to hide under the floorboards.
"Be reasonable. If I can forgive her, so can you," Edward spat.
I dug my nails deep into the sides of my thighs.
"Don't worry," he breathed into my ear. "She will come around."
Alice snapped her head towards us so quickly that it could've been missed with a blink.
"Don't speak for me. Or for her." Her glare tore through me. "Is there anything you'd like to say?"
"Um. I-i'm sorry, Alice," I stammered.
"I'll go," Jasper said, briskly walking out of the room.
Edward slowly backed away, his mind elsewhere. I could tell by the look on his face that he was hearing something that I couldn't. He gradually stepped back, listening, growing more irritated by the second.
"Myself as well. Stay here, Bella."
"What is it?"
I begged with my eyes, but he was gone in an instant. Turning around, I met Alice's fury.
I hesitantly stumbled to the couch where she sat, but I kept a distance.
"I am. I'm sorry. I didn't know any of this was going to happen. It just did. I didn't mean for it."
"Mhm."
"I'm serious. I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I'm just sort of going through some things right now and-"
"Do you think you're the only person in the world to go through things? Do you have any idea how you are hurting my brother? He may be trying to play it cool, but he is a mess. You act like we are doing terrible things to you. Like throwing you a beautiful wedding is punishment, something people dream of."
I said nothing.
"How could you do this to Edward? If you even knew-!"
I said nothing.
"I thought the only thing in the world you wanted was my brother. What happened?"
I said, "I have to use the bathroom," rose my shaky body off the couch and slightly limped to the stairs.
After pacing the bathroom for 15 minutes, I cautiously stepped out, holding my breath, hoping no one was around. I was met with silence, which restored my balance. I couldn't sit with Alice alone right now. I had already felt terrible about everything and didn't need to be further reminded.
Why did I even agree to come?
Well, he didn't give me much of a choice.
Keeping close to the wall, I snuck down the hall to Edward's room. I paused in the doorway, unsure if I should enter, not wanting to invade his privacy. But then I walked in, remembering how he entered my room last night.
His room was very cluttered, something I'd not seen before. Things were littered all along the floor as if they were all dumped or he was searching for something. He usually kept it exceptionally tidy, especially if I was coming over. I avoided looking too closely at the mess and settled on the edge of his bed.
I needed this to be over with already.
Rain sprayed inside through the window left ajar, allowing the muggy atmosphere to swamp the room. Droplets flitted onto my legs and beaded on my stockings, which were, of course, ridden with runs.
With frustration, I pushed myself back onto his bed, avoiding the rain.
"Ugh!"
When I pushed myself back, I sat on what felt like bunched-up clothes. I snaked them out from under me, tossing them to the side. I did a double-take once I saw what they were.
My pajamas.
"Why…" I asked myself.
I knew Alice had packed a few suitcases of clothes for the honeymoon that never happened, but I was under the impression it was all brand new things that she bought herself. Did they take some of my stuff when I was working my last shifts at Newtons? I could've sworn I saw them in my drawer the morning of the wedding, though…
I rolled onto my knees and observed the floor, seeking an explanation. There were books, CDs, notebooks, graded papers, and various pieces of clothing. But what caught my attention was a plugged-in laptop in the far corner of the room. It was white and clunky, one of the newer models: a MacBook Pro. I hadn't seen one in person since it was recently released and expensive. I squinted, trying to determine what was on the screen, but I had to climb off the bed for a closer look.
I crouched down, too afraid to touch the computer, and tried to understand what I saw.
At first, I thought it was just a zoomed-in black and grey picture of a forest, but the moving branches ensured it was a video. But not just a regular video. Stamped in the bottom right corner read:
7:42:00AM 8/16/2006
A live stamp. A recording. But of what?
This was CCTV footage, something I had only seen on TV and in the back room at work. But this technology was far more advanced than the grainy, delayed screen at the store. This image was much more crisp and refined.
The blue header of the open application window read: CAMERA VISION: BSH1. Another tab read BSH2. Reluctantly, I glided my fingers on the mousepad and clicked the tab.
An instant flurry of regret spun inside of me.
The second tab revealed a new angle of the recording; this time, the familiar tree in front of my bedroom window was in full view.
BSH=Bella Swan House.
That instant flurry of regret quickly turned into a heated anger. It took everything in me not to hurl the stupid laptop out the window. I stood, wobbling, feeling faint. I tripped backward over a book.
It was mine. My copy of The Stranger I'd been looking for.
I fell back to the ground. The old homework papers I grabbed did not have Edward's flawless handwriting sprawled along its blue lines but my own. Without much thought, I ripped them and threw them across the room.
"Bella?"
I froze. I couldn't look at him.
"What are you doing in here? You should be downstairs."
His freezing hands on my flushed skin shocked me back into reality.
"Edward. Why."
"Why what?"
"Video SURVEILLANCE?! My things?! What the hell is this!" My voice was shrill and cracking.
"Everything I do is for your own-"
"My own what? My safety? Safety from WHAT?!"
"Calm down, Bella."
"You are a vampire, for crying out loud! You can read minds; you have supersonic senses and speed and strength. You can be at my house in minutes. You've been climbing through my window since the month we met! But no, none of that is enough. You need to take my things and break my truck and have cameras at my house! If Charlie sees that, what am I supposed to say? I installed it myself?!" I said, hobbling around the room frantically.
"Alice can't see everything. I needed to know-"
"Oh my God. So this is about the wolves again. I can't believe you, I really can't. You're unbelievable. It was barely even two days. Why do you have my things? Why on earth did you take my pajamas?! Was that for my safety, too? Because the wolves would see the red flannel, charge at me like bulls, and scratch up my face? I'd love to hear the explanation for that one."
"You truly don't understand, do you?"
I started to gather my things off the floor but dropped them out of fury and walked right up to him, looking into his black eyes.
"No, I guess I don't, Edward. Because I'm stupid and spineless and should never question anything and should assume you are always right and just."
"I didn't say that," he hissed.
"You don't have to!"
"Lower your voice, please. I cannot believe you are the one angry right now."
"What?"
"You left me, Bella! You ran off with werewolves! I'm not even sure how you feel anymore. I get no straight answers out of you. Everything is conflicting, and I'm doing everything I can to change things, to protect you, to set us back on track. I installed the cameras only to make sure the wolves weren't causing trouble. I didn't think the items of yours mattered since we have always shared everything."
"But why take them? Old homework? My books? All of my pajamas? I had nothing to wear."
"No, you did. That was the point," he said too fast, like a lizard flicking its tongue in and out.
"Huh?"
"Nothing. I'm sorry. You can take your things. I apologize that it's all in a mess; I was a bit frantic. I didn't think you'd come in here."
"No, what did you mean."
He sighed, sat on his bed, and put his head in his hands. His following words rushed out like a guilty flowing stream.
"I took the pajamas so you only had Jacob's shirt to wear to bed. That way, I could acknowledge it, and we could cut to the chase about you choosing him. I figured his scent would have you missing him as well."
"Edward, that isn't normal! Does that sound like normal communication? You should be able to bring things up without having to steal my things like that!"
He peaked at me through his fingers.
"Well. I suppose I liked the scent of your pajamas, too."
"Augh!" I stormed out of the room. But he already had my wrist, pulling me back like a lure reeling in a dying fish. I couldn't resist him.
"They're all here now. Let's settle down a bit before we see them, yes?" He said, taking me back to his bed.
His family must have heard our entire conversation, which made staying in his arms too easy. I was already dreading facing them.
"Fine," I breathed, dwindling further into his intoxicating aura, allowing it to catch me. It always did, which is likely why I couldn't ever stay mad at Edward. He was my fix.
"Everything I do is for your safety." He caressed my burning cheek with the back of his hand. "Everything I do is for you; there is nothing else in this life for me if it isn't you. You consume my every thought. I may go overboard, in your opinion, when I am worried, but I do what I think is necessary. So I will not apologize for it."
I inhaled him deeply, knowing it would set me back on any clearheadedness I experienced in the last few days.
It felt too euphoric. And even more so than most other days. As if I was relapsing on the most potent narcotic a human could ingest. His words made it so much worse, too.
At this point, it was clear to me what we were. But I was too much of a coward to admit it to myself- the same coward who had to deeply repress her feelings for someone else. Repression was always well kept in a pressurized little container, but it was destined to implode.
The truth is, I've known deep, deep down for a few months now what Edward and I were. And that's what initially set the nightmares in motion. One night of doubt called for all of the apprehensions to fester in my mind. They couldn't be forced out. And in the meantime, I was stuck; I didn't stand a chance against my need for him. The truth of us felt like a slow splitting seam, like the runs tearing through my nylon stockings that I didn't even want to wear.
Inevitable.
I could put some clear coat nail polish over the laddering or maybe douse it with hairspray to stop it from worsening. But the damage has been done. Eventually, without even digging my fingernails into the fabric, it would come wholly undone on its own.
I knew that we would, too, come undone.
But I couldn't swallow that truth, still fully cannot. It was too painful. And I'm not sure what would be more painful: choosing him, becoming a vampire while knowing that our foundation was so incredibly artificial, toxic, obsessive. I would be fulfilled for a while, but what about in 10 years? Would our love even withstand the test of time without the aspect of forbidden passion between human and vampire?
Or would staying human be more painful, in which I'd have to face the trauma head-on and try to live without him? Something that nearly killed me in the past. I was addicted to him, and he was addicted to me. Weening off each other felt impossible, something that existed only in another far away life where things were sane and normal.
Was I strong enough?
"Tell me the truth, please. Are you finally afraid?"
The truth was, no, I wasn't afraid. It wasn't fear. I have faced death time and time again, and I'm stronger from it. I wasn't afraid of him. But I knew this was not what I thought it was anymore. I was young, and being wise beyond my age didn't make a difference. There were things that I'd never reflected upon; I never had the time to. I was constantly focused on whatever life-threatening situation presented itself to us. With most of the danger besides the Volturi gone, the emptiness has been gnawing at me—the trauma at the forefront of my mind. I'd focused the last two years on Edward, and I never allowed any doubt to take any space.
"No."
"Oh, what I would do to read your mind," he said, smiling. I looked back into his eyes.
And I fell through them.
An all-encompassing chill of pleasure engulfed my body. I shuddered, craving to beg him to take me right then and there again. I wanted to be one with him. I wanted to be turned inside out for him, fileted only for his liking, a delicate feast to nourish him. He could have gutted me this very instant, and I would not care.
I wanted Bella Swan to be disfigured by the venom that lubricated his very system. I wanted her out of the way.
I stared deeper into his eyes, the room around us morphing into a strange, plastic place that couldn't hold my interest anymore. The thin fabric of reality became penetrated by his pupils, which shot clean through like bullets, leaving a tattered nothing in its place. I no longer cared about anything else. I solely wanted to sink deeper into his eyes and remain there. The more I sank, the less I cared. The more I sank, the stupider I felt for being angry with him. What on earth was I thinking?
"Bella?"
How could I ever leave him? The love of my life. The one I'd give my life, body, and blood to. Being with him was sacred. I made my choice a long time ago and let my foolish, sleep-deprived brain and anxiety get in the way of us.
He drew me in so deeply, and I was drowning again.
The tides of old, black blood struck me down into nothingness. My ears rang loudly, but I heard his panicked murmurs through it. I was elsewhere, floating, not panicked this time. I was nothing now, a thing of the past—a thrall for him.
A few minutes later, I broke the surface, and I was staring out the window. Rain splattered across my cheeks.
"Oh, Bella, love. What happened? Can you speak?"
Edward had me cradled in his arms, hovering by his open window. The cool breeze revived me.
"Y-yeah."
"Was it something that I said? I'll be more gentle; I'm sorry."
"N-no. Eyes. It was just your eyes."
He laughed a bit hysterically.
"My apologies," he said, sporting his crooked smile. "Though I don't know what you mean."
I sat up on my own, rubbing my face.
I cannot look into his eyes again. I can't be too careless again.
"Yeah, right."
"I'm quite flattered you're still dazzled by me despite the current circumstances. I'm certainly not looking my best either." He cackled again as I rose out of his arms.
The ground felt solid, and the room stopped spinning. I waited for my mind to catch up.
"It sort of just happens. Like I'm being lured in. I don't know. Sometimes, it's more so than other times. I still can't exactly explain it," I said, sighing.
"Hmm, yes. It's biological. As you can tell, I haven't hunted in days. The hungrier I am, the more my pheromones try to ensnare you, to feed off you. I wish I could turn that off for you so you didn't faint like that."
I still wasn't afraid. Surely, he said that to maybe get me to admit that I was something he was always waiting for me to say. But even with the nightmares and the flashbacks and the panic, it still didn't fear him.
And it dawned on me right then that I didn't feel the fear because of exactly what he was speaking of.
How would I even feel the fear if his pheromones were designed to lure me? It would mask it, giving me no chance to fight, and I was already a weak target to begin with. This wasn't new information; he told me in the meadow exactly that, and I didn't care, but I thought I didn't care because I was in love with him. But truthfully, I didn't care because the chemicals in his body were not allowing me to. His hypnotic eyes struck me down into submission.
This is why I'd been flip-flopping, why I'd even managed to fall in love with someone else in the first place, why I ran, why I started having flashbacks and nightmares and panic attacks, because Bella Swan was in me, trying to scream reason into my brain, through the overpowering hypnotic force that has conditioned me.
She was the one underneath all the layers, fighting through the predation. I thought she was the smaller voice that didn't matter, but she was right all along.
The truth was bubbling out from within me now, burning. It severed through my very core, oozing out, leaving a trail of raw, inflamed wounds in its path:
I was not in love with Edward Cullen in the way I thought I was.
I was not in love with him at all.
"Are you ready to go downstairs now?" he asked.
"Yes," I managed to say through the tears that almost won.
——
The silence in the living room was deafening.
Alice and Jasper were in the same spot on the couch; both of them glared at me this time. Emmett and Rosalie casually leaned against the wall, arms crossed, their expressions blank. Of course, Esme and Carlisle met me with inviting smiles, which made me feel sick with guilt. All six pairs of their butterscotch eyes reflected vividly in the fluorescent lighting and torched through me.
No one said a word. They waited for me.
"Sorry for making you all wait," I muttered, looking at the spotless floor. "Um. Before we discuss things, I want to say that I didn't mean to make any of this more complicated. And I didn't mean to embarrass or confuse anyone. It was a beautiful wedding, really, I do appreciate all of the thought put in. I-I guess I wasn't ready, and it caused me to sort of freak out. I'm trying to process things."
"We understand," Carlisle said, stepping toward Edward and me. "From the beginning, we knew that this was… unconventional, and, of course, you are still quite young. We respect whatever you choose, but know you always have a place in our family. We still intend to protect you as our own." Esme nodded in agreement, but her heart-shaped face had a hint of melancholy spread within its features.
"Yes, Bella will stay under the Cullens protection, no matter what," Edward said, mainly to the others in the room.
"So, what does this mean though? Are you two still a thing or what?" Emmett said, a smile tugging on the corner of his lips. Rosalie nudged his arm with her elbow.
"I don't think that's of concern right now, Emmett," Carlisle said.
"Made her blush though!"
He meant well; I couldn't get too uncomfortable with the comment.
"Emmett," Esme warned, and he put his hands up in defense, apologizing.
"You can figure that out on your own accord, of course. But in the meantime, we need to figure out what to do about the Volturi if you choose to stay human. This may be an even bigger issue than we realize," Carlisle said.
"Can we fake her death? I doubt they will even look into it much; she's only human. We could say Edward finally lost control with her. Aro knew his thirst and likely wouldn't be surprised. They may not even want to make the trip out if it's convincing enough," Rosalie said. Edward clenched his teeth beside me.
"I'm afraid not, unless Bella relocated. And even then, they'd probably still have eyes on her. Also, if we were to encounter Aro in the future, he would see the lies if he took one of our hands. It's too risky. Honesty is what allowed the Volturi to trust us in the first place and why they have given us any grace with this matter. If we were anyone else, Bella, Edward, and Alice would not be here. They were merciful," Carlisle said, stroking his chin.
"They spared us due to Edward and I's gifts. Aro hoped one day we would be an asset to them," Alice cut in, her voice monotone, eyes darting to Edward. They communicated something they didn't want anyone else to hear.
"Hmm. Yes, true," Carlisle replied.
"But you're wrong, Carlisle," Alice said, breaking eye contact with Edward.
"How do you mean?"
"It is a cause for concern."
"What?"
"Them being together or not. Bella choosing to leave Edward sets it all in motion." She was seething. I knew she was mad about me running, but something underneath it all made her despise me now. Whatever it was, Edward knew.
"We need a plan and can't depend on Bella's-"
"I've seen it," Alice whispered. But it was the loudest statement yet. Edward cleared his throat; he didn't want her to say whatever she was about to say.
"What have you seen?" Esme asked.
"Alice. Not yet. Let's see if we can devise an alternative and change it," Edward spat.
"Change what?" I pulled him to me, but he ignored me.
"I've seen what this all comes to. You can all save your breath now," she said as Esme sat beside her, concerned.
"Things aren't always certain, Alice. Whatever it is you see could be from my-," I stuttered.
Her eyes were set on me again.
"No. This was a long time coming. Your future has been muddy and changing constantly for months; you have been constantly changing your mind. I said nothing because I hoped you would make it up. I hoped the wedding would be the thing to set it all straight." She motioned to Edward. "We both hoped. We were wrong." She stood up and was in front of me within seconds.
"It started after you asked me if I saw you turning. I was taken aback by how unsure you were. It was much clearer then, and I easily saw you as one of us, happily married to my brother. But the look in your eye told me otherwise. It started shifting and changing and then started going black. I thought it was your nerves; you are a nervous human, after all, or I thought it was your crush on the wolf still going through your system."
"Alice, relax," Edward said, towing me away from her.
"No!" She shouted in his face. "She betrayed us!"
"We can think of other options! That was the point of this, to see if anyone had any other ideas. None of what you saw is set in stone."
"What did you see?" I begged.
"I'm not keeping this from them anymore. Accept that she chose them, Edward!"
Carlisle rested his hand on her shoulder.
"You don't need to come down on Bella. We are all upset. You put so much work into it, we all wish-,"
"This isn't about the wedding. Let me finish."
Carlisle nodded, and she turned back to me.
"Your future has been completely black since you walked down the aisle. That only means one of two things: you die, or you are amongst wolves. Right now, it's black. It's no longer flickering. So you've decided and I don't want to hear your excuse of 'needing to process things.'"
Raw, stabbing panic tore through my chest. Numbness engulfed my legs, and I would've fallen if Edward wasn't holding me up.
"Black? Completely nothing? But she's here right now, and it's still black? Death. Bella will die?" Esme's gold eyes widened, and it looked like she was about to faint, too, if she could.
"No. She lives. Unless she dies in some other way by the mutts or otherwise. I've seen that the Volturi spare her but only for something in return. A sacrifice."
"What do you mean a sacrifice? Alice, dammit, tell me what happens!" I asked.
She stepped closer to me, her face an inch from mine.
"Edward joins them."