*Ummmmmm! Hi again! Look at me posting two chapters within a span of a few days. When I tell you the Twi-Relapse has hit during Hoa Hoa Hoa season, I meant it. Now, I've had this chapter half-completed for a few months now. I'm a lil scared y'all are gonna throw vases at me, but TRUST ME, THINGS GET BETTER (eventually...)

So, some of you might be mad at me for this one, but I have my reasons for this chapter, OKAY? I'll explain why I decided to write this in the end notes.

ANYWAY. Enjoy the angst, the pain, and the aggravating stubbornness of Jakey-Poo. I'm gonna go be weird and plot up CH 10 in my deranged little corner.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

It'd been a strange week, to say the least.

I decided against phasing and chose to kick it in my human form. This obviously required more maintenance, but I managed to get enough food and some normally fit clothes so I didn't look like a total jackass. Most nights, I slept on White Rock Beach till the security done and kicked me out. I forgot that this place wasn't La Push and actually had rules. It was short-lived but worth it—the sound of the ocean washing up on the shore had me passing out like a baby.

The strangest part of the week, though, was that I'd taken Elizabeth up on her offer of working on some of the local's cars. Using the tools from her father's toolbox, I conveniently fixed their cars outside their homes. Some even came to Elizabeth's driveway, which was even easier.

This was how I could afford all the delicious seafood and the cheap but decently fitted t-shirts, shorts, and sneakers. I also got a backpack to keep everything in. Couldn't afford to splurge on a hotel, but it was more fun sleeping outside anyway, with the moon acting as my little nightlight.

Today, I woke up on a bench I barely fit on outside of Laura's Coffee Corner. Well, I didn't wake up on my own. The shop owner shook me—still nicer than the beach security guard with the baton—and told me I had to leave.

I sat up, yawning, my back audibly cracking from sleeping on the horrible metal thing. Pulling at the knots in my hair, I inspected the coffee shop, attempting to read the chalkboard menu inside. It smelled too good to pass up, plus I figured I'd repay them for hogging up their bench.

Next to the bench was a pay phone, the same one I ended up caving and calling Elizabeth on last week.

Rising to my feet, backpack slung over one shoulder, I hunched down in the booth. Fishing around in the back pocket of my shorts, I pulled out the purple Post-it note, slipped in some change, and dialed.

After only a few rings, she chirped on the other line as if she were waiting for my call.

"Morning!"

"Hey, g'morning. Got any new custies today?"

"Yes! At 2 P.M., he'll be coming to my driveway."

"Okay, cool, what time is it now?"

Elizabeth tittered. "You need a watch. Or to fix your phone already! It's 12. Are you still at the hotel?"

"Yeah," I lied.

"Okay, so I'll see you then?"

"Actually, I was thinking of hitting up this coffee spot. I'm starving. Wanna-"

"Yes! Which one? Is it Laura's?"

"How'd you know that?" I quickly looked around the sidewalk and street in every direction.

"It's my fave! I'll get ready now. I can walk there."

I exhaled. "Alright, see you soon. Bye."

Before stepping through the cafe's little glass doors, I caught my reflection. I wore a plain white T-shirt, dark green cargo shorts, and some knockoff Vans. Brushing the knots out of my hair didn't help since it still looked mostly ratty, but it was good enough. I looked presentable.

The woman behind the counter was the same one who woke my bum ass up, but I pretended not to notice and flashed her a smile as I ordered my food.

I pulled into a two-seat table in the far back corner of the place. The wooden chair was too small for me, and my knees ached as they pressed up against the bottom of the table. I didn't wait for Elizabeth, devouring my breakfast burritos in mere minutes. The coffee was fresh and hot as I dumped it down my gullet to wash everything down.

On the evil bench that ruined my back now sat a father and son, eating sandwiches. The son looked to be around my age. I wondered what it was they were talking and laughing about. I couldn't remember what a typical conversation was like between my father and me. Everything before my transformation felt like a faraway memory, like the happy-go-lucky teenager I used to be had evaporated into thin air. After that, I became a pain in the ass. We'd bicker too often. Hopefully, my dad was doing alright and wasn't too worried. But what did we talk about? Before it was all life or death, responsibility and heartache?

Surely, this father and son probably spoke about simple crap like the weather or the sandwiches they ate. Maybe a TV show they liked? Whatever it was, it looked effortless, easy.

"Hi!" Elizabeth sang, scaring the hell out of me. I hadn't even seen her walk in. Her waist-length brown hair was tied into a ponytail and draped over her pink, puffy blouse. Pink press-on nails dug into the sides of her pale jean skirt.

I awkwardly waved, sipping the nonexistent remnants from my coffee cup.

"One second, I'm going to go order." She spun around and skipped to the front counter.

When she returned, she held a chocolate croissant and a pink drink—the same shade pink as her nails and shirt—in her hand. I didn't even know they made colored drinks like this until I met her.

"How are you?" she asked, her cheek cradled in her palm, eyes not blinking.

Yeah, she was weird as hell. But I really had no place to say anything, considering I slept on the bench outside her favorite coffee shop last night. Oh, and the fact that I occasionally turned into an enormous dog.

"Yeah, I'm good. What's that drink you got now?"

"It's strawberry, açaí, and coconut milk. Wanna try?" She slid the drink over to me.

Oh, why not?

I hesitantly took a swig of it, cringing.

"You don't like it?"

Shaking my head, I gulped it down, hating the sickly sweet taste.

"Nasty."

"Here, take a bite."

"Nah, it's fine. That's yours."

She hovered the chocolate croissant in front of my face, shoving it closer and closer until it hit my lips. Unable to resist, I bit into it, tearing off the corner piece with my teeth. Elizabeth hadn't known me long, but she clearly knew that I couldn't turn down food.

She bit the part where I'd just bit and smiled. We swallowed at the same time.

"So, what am I fixing today?"

"A PT cruiser. I think he said there's something wrong with the suspension. It's my neighbor from down the block, Sam—he's very nice!"

Sam was a common name, so it was dumb that it stung to hear it.

"Should be an easy one then."

"Yay, maybe we can do something after then?"

Even though she was weird, she was kinda growing on me. Not in a crush way or anything like that, absolutely not, but it wasn't so bad hanging around someone who seemed so damn happy to see me. I didn't really get it, didn't understand her much at all. But it was a nice change.

"Sure, sure," I said, unable to deny her pleading eyes.

We finished at the cafe and spilled back onto the lively street. The sun was shining bright, making my skin feel even hotter, but for once, I actually didn't mind it. It kind of felt good.

The death bench had now collected a couple of whiney kids who hung like monkeys off their mom. Beside them, the payphone called to me again.

Like a bandaid.

"Hey, one sec. I gotta make a call," I called out to Elizabeth, who started to walk up the block. She stopped in her tracks and gave me a double thumbs-up.

Ducking down, I slipped the coins into the machine and dialed a number I knew by heart this time.

The ringing continued for longer than I'd expected, and right when I was about to hang up, a voice came through over the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad. It's me."

"Jacob? Oh, Jesus. Jake."

Guilt ate me for dinner. Guess he was worried.

"Yeah, sorry I haven't called. I don't have my cell or anything."

On the other side of the line, Billy exhaled heavily, away from the speaker. I could sense his anger and relief.

"Jacob. Where the hell are you?!"

"Relax, I'm fine-"

"Fine! Goddamn you, boy! Where did you go?"

I squeezed my eyes shut. I knew I fucked up.

"I'm…around. But I am fine. Sorry, I didn't mean to worry anyone. I thought after last time, you would've all figured I needed some time away again…"

"A warning would've been nice! And you aren't phasing, so no one can hear you! Now, don't tell me that wasn't on purpose!"

I paused, contemplating telling him the truth, but decided against it and settled for a half-truth.

"I didn't want to phase this time."

"Now that's a crock of shit. We both know you just didn't want to hear the pack."

Well, yeah, but they didn't know that I was a one-man show now. I didn't belong to a pack anymore; I didn't have anyone to answer to. And it was glorious.

"You try having voices in your head all damn day. Yeah, I wanted some quiet, is that a crime?"

"Tell that to your brothers who have been running around day and night losing sleep to look for your silly ass!"

Of course, I knew they were going to look for me; I specifically ensured that they wouldn't find me by covering up my tracks, etc. But reality hit, and I cringed at the visual of the guys running around, mouthing "fuck" to myself.

"Alright, alright. I get it. I'm an idiot. Is that news?"

He sighed, then went to mumbling nonsense to himself.

"You doing alright, though?" I asked, trying to calm him down.

"I'm fine. Now that I know you're not dead!"

"Good, good. Fully alive here."

"Are you gonna tell me where you are?"

"I barely know myself. It doesn't matter."

Silence.

In that silence, I sensed the elephant in the room, and I prayed he wouldn't mention it.

"Is that all you got to say then?" He asked.

"Pretty much."

"I'll call up Sam now…"

"Yeah, do that. I feel like a dick that they've been looking for me."

He groaned and went on mumbling again.

"Are you comin' home?"

I didn't have a home in Washington anymore.

"No."

He sighed in frustration.

"I'd better get going, old man."

"Hold on, there's something else you oughta know, son." I didn't like the sound of his voice. It hung over the line, hesitant and pained. With how pissed he was at me, the sudden switch to pity didn't match. A sick feeling simmered in my gut.

"No. No, I don't want to know."

"Jacob, listen, it's-"

"No. I can't-"

"It's Bella! She-"

"I just can't! Bye, Dad."

And I hung up the phone, feeling dizzy as I stepped back.

It didn't matter what he had to say. That life was behind me now. The only way I could move forward was to pretend that things were exactly how I left them.

——-

The PT Cruiser turned out to be more of a pain in the ass than I'd anticipated. It took a good 4 hours to fix since the whole suspension needed replacing, along with a few other minor things.

The owner, Sam, was a nice guy who chatted me up about his life as a delivery driver in the area. Hearing about his everyday life with his wife and kids grounded me in reality a little bit. It was nice to hear that a calm life was possible. No chaos, no war, no immortal enemies. Just chillin' in his beach house throwing packages at doors. Sounded pretty nice to me.

It got me thinking if that could be possible for me, too. Maybe someday.

"You're the man, Jacob! Thanks again!" Sam said, handing me a fat wad of cash. Great thing about White Rock? These people were loaded.

"'Course. Glad I could help you, man."

I flashed him a smile, shoving the money in my back pocket.

He hopped in the driver's door and rolled down the window.

"Listen, my wife's car has some issues too. She hasn't been using it much since she stays home with the baby, but I may as well get it fixed up. Do you have a phone number I could take?"

"Naw, my cell is busted, but you could reach out to her," I said, nodding to Elizabeth as she came from inside her house, holding a pitcher full of something.

"Got it, well, thank you again." He leaned his head out the window, lowering his voice as he spoke. "And hey, use that money to take Liz out somewhere nice, alright? Her family isn't…around much. She's a good girl, though. Sweet."

I nodded, taking a step back from the car as it roared to life.

"Bye, Sam!" Elizabeth called out from behind me, waving. He backed out of the driveway, leaving the two of us alone under the setting sun.

"He's a cool dude," I said, bending down to throw the tools back into the toolbox.

"I told you so! I've known him my whole life." She squatted down, helping place the tools in the box carefully.

"I think he gave me a nice tip too. Looked like way more than what I charged."

"So, does the money suck the fun out of it like you were afraid of? Or does it make it better?"

"Gotta say it makes it better. For now, anyway. Don't wanna burn out or nothing."

After slipping the remaining wrench into the box, I sealed the top and went to stand up until I saw Elizabeth staring at me.

"What?"

"N-nothing, it's just that…you have dirt all over your face."

"Grease."

She outstretched her hand and rubbed my cheek with her thumb. I froze.

"There. I got at least some of it. Would you want to use my shower again?"

"No, no. I'm fine. Thanks." A shower sounded nice, but it felt too weird using hers the other day, so I'd probably have to bathe in the ocean again like the filthy animal I was.

I speed-walked to the garage to place the toolbox on the floor next to her piece-of-shit-mobile.

"I made some lemonade. And some cookies."

I swear she knew how to lure me in with the snacks.

We sat at the chairs on the side of her house—the same ones from the first night I came here—and drank our glasses of lemonade.

"These are fucking delicious," I said, devouring my third cookie.

"Pre-packaged dough never fails." She nibbled on hers, smiling.

The sky turned deep purple and pink, and there were no clouds in sight. The air was still, warm, and peaceful.

"I just remembered something. Weren't you supposed to do a long drive this week? What happened with that?" I asked, taking another cookie off the plate balanced on her lap.

"Oh…yeah. It got canceled." Her eyes dropped to the cookies in her lap.

"That sucks. What was it?"

Tucking a hair behind her ear, she looked like she was about to cry.

"It-it's my dad. We were supposed to go on a road trip to America. But he, um, he never came back home."

"Oh. Well, where is he?"

"I don't know. He never tells me. Sometimes, he leaves for months at a time."

My first thought was that her dad was an asshole. Who just up and leaves their family like that with no warning? Then I sank deeper into the little plastic chair, feeling like a fool.

"Sorry. That's not cool. Do you not have anyone else around?"

"My mom passed when I was a little girl, and my brother and sister moved away. They visit sometimes. I love it here too much to leave, though. And it's nice having the house to myself a lot, but it can be lonely. My last boyfriend lived here for a few months, but that's about it." She nervously played with her fingers.

Is that what this was? She was just…lonely?

"Hey, I mean, I feel you. My mom passed when I was a kid, too, and my sisters moved away as well."

"Really?" She looked up at me with her wet brown eyes. I averted my gaze.

"Yeah. But, hey, you seem like you're doing good on your own. Give yourself some credit."

"That means a lot, Jacob. Thank you. And thank you for hanging out with me. I-I could tell…that there's something more. Something that bothers you a lot. I hope you'll be able to talk to me about it."

On that note, I stood up out of the chair, cracking my back with a deep stretch.

"I've gotta get going." It was true; I needed to find a more comfortable bench to sleep on tonight.

"Already?" Placing the empty plate onto the ground, she stood and crossed over to me.

"I've been here for hours. I'm pretty beat after that job."

"Exactly, so just relax. It feels like you're always in a rush. It's not even 7."

I groaned.

"Hey," she said, pulling at my arm. Her brown eyes sparkled with need, and it physically hurt to look into them.

She trailed her fingers down my forearm to meet my hand, which she then grasped, pulling me even closer to her.

"Just…stay," she whispered.

I almost ran for the hills—my heart screamed at me to. But my brain lowered the walls that I'd built up so high.

The grief was fresh, searing. Raw as fuck. I knew it would never go away. It would always come back like a vicious, recurrent cancer, destroying everything in its path. The pain may even worsen with time, in a way. It was like that with my mom. The more years that passed, the more painful it became knowing I wouldn't have a mother again, and with every passing year, I got further away from knowing her at all.

This probably wouldn't be much different. It would always drown me, so what was the point of waiting to move on?

Elizabeth wrapped her arm around my waist and guided me back to the side of the house.

I leaned against it, lowering myself to her height. She pulled herself closer to me, and her nervous heartbeat was deafening.

I closed my eyes, listening to its unsteadiness.

It infuriated me that my knee-jerk reaction was to compare the sound of her heartbeat with another one that I knew all too well. One that I tried so hard to keep going for so long. One that I prayed to a God I didn't believe in to keep beating every night. One that was doomed to fail, flatline.

It felt so fucking wrong to be touching someone other than her. It also felt so fucking stupid to think that. This girl wanted me. And maybe she was just bored or lonely or something in between, but at least it was something.

"Is this okay?" Elizabeth asked, grabbing my hand again.

I didn't care whether she held it or not. It made no difference to me, but I had to start somewhere.

"Yep."

I opened my eyes to see her even closer to me, which startled me. The sky fell darker, making it harder to see her features. In a way, I was grateful for that.

Not that Elizabeth wasn't pretty or anything, because she obviously was—anyone with eyes could see that. But if I was going to do this, I didn't want to look at her. Pretty or not, she wasn't her.

In order to muster up some courage, I thought of what the pack would be saying in my head if I could hear them.

"It's time to move on, Jacob," Sam said.

"Sam's right. You gotta start somewhere," said Quil.

"You got this in the bag, Jake," said Embry.

"What are you waiting for, idiot? Are you gay? Kiss her," Paul said.

"Women love tall men, that's probably why she's up your ass!" Jared said.

"The leechlover didn't want you, remember? She went against everything you are, so grow a backbone already. Plus, she'll be dead soon if she's not already. May as well start the healing process now so we don't have to deal with your pathetic moping," said Leah.

"Jeez, Leah, be quiet. But yeah, go for it, Jake. You deserve happiness," Seth said.

Like a bandaid.

I wrapped my arm around Elizabeth's waist and pulled her flush to me. She gasped, an inkling of confusion pulling up her eyebrows.

Like a bandaid.

She leaned in, looking at my lips. Clear desire swam through her eyes. It was fucking weird to see someone I had only known for a week seem so interested in me. Honestly, it depressed the hell out of me.

"C-can I kiss you?"

Fuck it.

Like a bandaid.

I craned my neck down and gave her what she wanted. My lips crushed onto hers.

It didn't feel like desire, or lust, or love, or even pity.

It felt obligatory.

For a moment, it felt like I wasn't actually there, as if I was far away outside my body. Her kiss was determined, even though our lips were two repelling sets of magnets. I tried to deepen the kiss, to give her more, to hopefully make myself feel something.

Nothing.

She grabbed handfuls of my hair, pulling me closer. A small hand lingered up my thigh.

Irrational thoughts flung into my brain like darts.

You never truly loved her.

You're failing her.

The thoughts didn't make me want to stop; they actually made me want to continue. Kissing her felt like an act of rebellion. Like a fuck you to the world.

Bella would never take you back now.

But I never had her.

She'd be heartbroken.

No, she wouldn't be. She made that very clear.

She's waiting for you.

Shut the fuck up.

She's going to hate you!

What a relief!

I grabbed Elizabeth and kissed her harder, thinking of all the times I had to watch Bella Swan kiss Edward Cullen. All the nights I'd spent tossing and turning with the fucked up image in my mind. All the times I could smell him on her skin. Rage bubbled inside me, tremors tearing through me.

I kissed her harder, still feeling nothing.

I forgot what it was supposed to feel like.

Until I remembered the way Bella had kissed me.

The way her lips tasted, her hesitancy, her strawberry scent consuming me.

The curves of her body, the way her heart hammered in her chest.

And I will never forget the look on her face when she pulled away.

It had looked like a switch flipped inside her brain. The gaze from her wide, chocolate-brown eyes burned through my body. The desire, the truth, was palpable. Bella had always seen me, known me. But right then, we became one. It scared the fuck out of her because something had awoken inside of her that day. I was so close, so fucking goddamn close.

It just wasn't enough.

I wasn't.

Elizabeth trailed her fingers under my shirt and scratched at my lower back.

I hate to admit it, but that was when I started to imagine Elizabeth was Bella. Though, I had to ignore the sickly sweet perfume scent, the too-rough hands, and the heavy breath that wasn't Bella's.

Fucked up, I know. But it's not like there was much left of me anyway. I had given everything away: my heart, my brain, my sanity, my home, my life, my pack.

There was no getting any of it back unless I dug through her grave, her casket, through the cavity of her chest.

I imagined that this was a continuation of our life after the kiss on the mountain, that things were normal between us, that we spent the day on the beach, drinking warm sodas while the summer breeze soothed our fractured souls. I imagined a life where she chose me, needed me, and loved me, where I was finally enough.

When Elizabeth pulled back, eyes eager and sparkling, I felt sick to my stomach to see her face.

Guilt, shame, and grief all piled upon me at once until it crushed me to pieces.

"Do you want to go inside? No one's here…," she whispered breathlessly.

She didn't wait for me to answer. Instead, she took my hand and dragged me through the doors of her unfamiliar, vacant house.

I didn't know if she heard me puking my guts up in the bathroom or not. Or if she noticed the blood vessels that burst in my eyes before they'd healed.

What I did know was that I'd never felt more empty.

But maybe this was the start of finally getting over the love of my life, who was most definitely dead by now.

*Hiiiiii do u hate me? Calm down, let me explain. SO since this is a Breaking Dawn rewrite, it obviously continues in order of the first three books. If we were in a perfect world, Jake and Bella would've ended up together in New Moon where Edwino never came back. But that ain't this story! There was a part in BD that I'd always wanted to see expanded upon. Jake goes around town looking for girls to imprint on (lol) and he did end up talking to a girl. BELLA NEEDS A LITTLE TASTE OF HER OWN MEDICINE, OKAY?? At the end of Eclipse, she says she would be extremely jealous of whoever Jake ended up with (extremely weird SMEYER wrote that in knowing she was gonna have him imprint on her demon baby but anyway) and TBH, I need to see that shit. I need to write that shit. It's not fair Jake had to watch Bella makeout with Edwino throughout three books. I wanted to even the playing field a little bit, okay??? Plus, as you can see, Jake is not about it anyway. But he needs to try. Especially if JXB will be end game. I think it'll be good to have Jacob have at least tried, saw it wasn't right, etc. He's only a teenager (he's 18 to me idc about canon lol) so I don't think it's realistic Bella is the only one he's ever kissed. (don't worry tho, he isn't going to have sex with Liz or end up with her. It is a strict JACOB X BELLA ENDGAME House that I live in.)

I hope you liked it! Pls leave a comment if you did!