Here's another one. *throws this at you*

I figured I needed to get this one out ASAP because I know some of y'all may have been on the edge of your seat from CH 9.

Jake is a nutter butter overthinker, but we love him, okay? Let's allow him to use his brain now, shall we?

ENJOY! 3*

I wasn't physically able to get drunk, but I think this was the closest thing to what having a hangover felt like.

Regretful, headache, extremely thirsty, disorientated, anxious.

I felt fucking gross. For multiple reasons.

No, I didn't sleep with Elizabeth, or kiss her again, or even look at her much at all.

Last night, after the kiss, she put on a movie in her room, but instead of watching it with her, I was in the bathroom puking up all the expensive crab legs I had eaten the day prior. It was nasty; it came up in whole pieces, which was my new reminder to chew my damn food.

I told her I wasn't feeling too hot and stayed in a separate room in case I was contagious. Honestly, it wasn't a lie. Misery was a contagious thing, and I didn't want to subject her to that.

I slept on the hardwood floor in the extremely hot spare bedroom with the door locked.

Why not sleep in the bed, Jacob? Cause that would be weird. Plus, I might be a masochist who loves re-tweaking my back. However, sleep might be the wrong word since I did not do any of that. Instead, I stared at the white popcorn ceiling for 8 hours straight. Thinking. And nothing good ever came from that.

I thought about how dumb it was that I had these healing abilities that only worked on physical ailments. I tried to will it into reality that it could also heal my dumb, mangled heart. Clearly didn't work cause now, according to the digital clock on the nightstand, it was 7 AM. Not a lick of peaceful rest. Just straight-up guilt-infested thoughts shouting at me for hours on end.

My stomach rumbled so loud that I was afraid Elizabeth was able to hear it from down the hall. Knowing her, she'd probably hear it and start making pancakes without asking.

I had to get out of here before that happened.

I grabbed my backpack and ducked out under the bedroom door, listening for any movement from within the house. I heard nothing, so I tip-toed down the stairs, channeling my inner mouse. When you're 6'7, 260-something pounds, trying to sneak out of a creaky ass house was a challenge. With every step, I winced.

She wasn't downstairs or in the kitchen, so she must've still been asleep in her room. I didn't have a key to her house to lock up, which was fine cause Elizabeth never locked it, to begin with—we were in super safe suburban hell, after all.

Since no custies were scheduled for the day, I was free to leave. So I did exactly that.

—

It was about an hour walk from Liz's to Sunnyside Forest Park in Surrey. I tried to blend in with the other couple of hikers walking the entrance path, though I don't know why. It wasn't like they were suspicious that I was about to morph into a giant wolf. I was just a dude. Just like them. Takin' a stroll. Nothing to see here.

I started on a hiking trail that no one else decided to venture on and made my way through the forest. For a forest located in the middle of a city, it sure didn't feel like it. It was an expansive area; the moss strewn everywhere, and the only sounds were those of my steps and the birds flying overhead in the trees.

When I was deep enough, and the coast was clear of any hikers, I stalked off the trail through thick shrubs. In between the tallest shrub, I stripped and buried the clothes and backpack in the dirt beside it.

I'd been itching to phase, and last night's events had pushed it into a need.

Already, I felt more in my element as I began running. Fast. And as naturally as it always came, I felt myself start to turn into something else.

The ripping of tendons and lengthening of limbs began as flesh morphed into fur in the blink of an eye. My vision cleared, and my hearing strengthened. It felt like a metamorphosis. Like I was able to shed my self and become something new, something stronger. An animal that could exist as is. Phasing was never pleasant. It felt like ripping. Tearing. But God, did I miss it.

I smelled no one in the vicinity, though I still scanned through the green leaves to make sure I was alone. Then, I paused to see if I heard any voices in my head that weren't mine.

Thank fuck none came 'cause they would've for sure ripped me a new one.

I ran deeper into the woods, feeling more like myself with every stride. The thing about the forest was that it was the place where I could breathe the easiest. Everything was bigger than me; the trees were taller–I had room. It instantly cleared my mind. The woods were definitely the home for my wolf. For my human? I still wasn't sure.

Though I was relieved I heard no other voices, the silence from the others in my head felt more prominent than ever. I could almost hear my every thought bang around my skull. Don't get me wrong, it was great not hearing them all the time, but I couldn't lie—it did feel a little lonely. It was better that they didn't have to listen to my rumination, something I could hardly stand. Still, I wish I could know what they were up to. I missed my friends, my pack. Even when I didn't want to admit it.

I felt guilt gather in my gut. What if they were in trouble? I hadn't even thought about that.

An even worse thought crept in. What if they were in trouble because of Bella? What if she became some uncontrollable, ravenous bloodsucker that couldn't be tamed?

In my head, I saw a caricature of Bella with blood-red eyes feasting on her own father. Charlie's lifeless body lay limp on the floor as "Bella" lapped up the spilled puddle around him. Then, the pack attempted to intervene, but some got killed in the process. Her mate was desperate and pathetic, trying to control the situation like he always tried to do, failing miserably.

I bashed my head into a tree head-on to stop seeing anything more.

Sometimes, I really hated having such a vivid imagination.

I wish I could say that scenario was far-fetched, but it could be happening for all I knew. I had no idea. I chose to be in the dark about the whole thing.

What were Quil and Embry up to? Was my dad doing okay without me? Had Paul driven Rachel completely insane yet? Was Leah still…Leah? Did the rest of them see me as a coward? Cause I guess that's really all I was at the end of the day.

A fucking coward.

I run, I hide, I bleed out all on my own.

I'd been doing this for as long as I could remember. I think it started with my mom. I'd hide for days sometimes in that closet, wishing it was all a nightmare. My sisters would sometimes have to drag me out.

Yeah, I needed time alone. But was ditching my family the answer?

Yeah, I needed to move on. But was leading someone on when I knew I felt nothing for them the right thing?

The answers were obvious.

I stopped in my tracks; my claws dug deep into the Earth as I contemplated. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing; no one exactly gave me a handbook for this kind of shit.

I lay down in a bed of leaves, hoping for some sign to magically drop in my lap, and I absorbed the forest around me. This place looked a hell of a lot like Washington, with the wet, mossy vegetation and towering, mature trees. I keep telling myself I escaped from there, but was it a place I needed to escape from? Or myself?

It sure didn't feel like I'd escaped anything at all.

Had I found what I was looking for here? Fixing rich people's cars in the burbs? Hanging with Elizabeth to fill the void of my loneliness? I bet she'd let me stay with her, too, if needed.

Could I live that life?

Again, I knew the answer.

Guilt surged through me as I imagined Liz waking up this morning, discovering I'd left. Her face dropped in defeat, thoughts probably running through her mind about how she must've been too unlikable. She'd probably be unsurprised, considering that her father always left her high and dry, something she might expect from others now.

Would she look in the mirror and criticize what was wrong, what she could change? Would she scream in the mirror and ask herself why she wasn't good enough like I'd done countless times? Still, she would probably put on a smile, not showing how I'd hurt her the next time I saw her.

I hadn't known her for very long, but if there was one thing about Elizabeth I knew for a fact, it was that she was a genuinely good, positive person.

And I was an absolute mess of a half-human.

She appreciated the small things and saw everything in bright colors. She smiled through everything, never saying a mean thing about another soul. Even if a customer was a complete piece of shit, she'd say something like, 'They must be having a bad day!' I'm not sure why on Earth she liked spending time with me or why she wanted me enough to kiss me. Yeah, she could be a little annoying, but maybe I was just grumpy.

She kinda reminded me of myself back before I phased, back before everything went downhill. I used to see the positive in everything, just as she did. I didn't want to dim that light in her the way mine was forcefully snuffed out. Her bubbly personality did often put me in a better mood, too.

Was this who I've become now? Some avoidant asshole who didn't care about hurting those around me? Was I really going to continue leading Liz on, only to abandon her in the end?

No, I couldn't do that to her—it wasn't right. She didn't deserve it. I wasn't about to continue the fucked up cycle of whatever mess I was previously involved in. Dragging Liz into this for my own possible sake of healing wasn't the answer. Being the coward who always ran away clearly wasn't the answer either.

I buried my muzzle in the fresh dirt, allowing it to clear my senses.

What the fuck was I doing?

I rose to my paws and ran in the direction I came from, back to the hiking trail. When I phased back, I scurried to the bush and dug my clothes and backpack up. Pulling my cotton shirt over my head and swinging the bag on my back, I jogged the trail, nodding at passersby hikers.

It was still early, so it was possible that Elizabeth hadn't woken up yet. If I could get there in time, it'd be like I never left. I still had time to make things right.

—

When I turned the knob, the door opened, a possible sign she hadn't noticed I left. Carefully, I walked into the house and listened for any movement. This time, pots and pans banged around in the kitchen. Quickly, I fixed my hair and wiped my face with my hands in case I looked like a mess.

"Jacob?" She called out.

Shit.

Elizabeth peered around the kitchen doorframe, wearing slippers, a yellow apron, and a big smile on her face. Her hair was collected into a big, messy bun.

"Hey. Morning."

She raised one eyebrow as she watched me close the front door behind me.

"I-uh, needed some fresh air. Still felt a little sick. I think I'm good now."

"Oh, okay! Do you think you could stomach some breakfast?"

It was extremely hard for me to turn down, but I knew I had to.

"I don't think so. Thanks, though."

"Aw, okay. Want some tea?"

The guilt continued to gnaw at me from her thoughtfulness.

"No, I'm good with water. Just make enough for yourself. I'm gonna sit outside; come out when you're done?"

"Okay, I shouldn't be too long!" She was beaming as she darted back into the kitchen.

Outside, I paced back and forth in the driveway. The urge to bolt again was strong, but I didn't give in. There was no way I could, especially after seeing her smiley face that didn't have a clue I left. She was…pure. I had to rip off the bandaid again for her sake.

A few minutes later, Elizabeth came outside dressed in a long, flowery orange skirt and matching cropped shirt. Sunglasses sat atop her head, and her hair flowed down her waist.

"Sorry for keeping you waiting! What do you want to do today?"

How did she not sense anything was off?

"I, um. Wanna head to the beach?" I asked, scratching my head.

"Totally. Now?"

"Yeah, why not."

"Okay, okay, let me just grab my bag." She dipped in and out of the house within seconds, orange bag in hand.

The 15-minute walk to the beach mainly consisted of her yapping as if all was well, as if nothing had even happened between us last night. Maybe she had short-term memory loss.

She went on and on about some video game she was playing that I had no clue about, which somehow segwayed into a conversation about a yoga retreat she wanted to go to. I let her talk, nodding occasionally when a response was needed.

Tourists, mainly older folks, flooded the boardwalk. Some gave us a double take—probably the height difference— and some smiled at us. They must've thought we were a couple, which motivated me a little more to say what I came to say.

"Let's go down here," I said, directing her down a steep ramp that led to the beach.

The sand was difficult for her to walk on, so she grabbed my hand to balance herself while she took off her shoes to carry. When we continued to walk, she kept her hand around mine.

But I pulled mine back.

She looked at me, confused.

"Sorry. I kinda wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh, okay. What is it?"

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to come out with the words, failing.

"Do you…remember last night?"

"What do you mean? I didn't even drink!" She giggled.

"No, I know. I don't know."

We stopped in our tracks, and she grabbed my hand again.

"You don't need to feel bad about being sick. It didn't ruin anything for me." She squeezed tightly.

"I'm talking about before I got sick."

"Okay? What about?"

I pulled my hand back again and slipped it into my pocket.

"This." I motioned between our hands. "I can't do this."

"I don't understand?"

I sighed, trying to spit out the damn words.

"I can't do this with you. I can't do this to you. I'm an idiot, okay? I really am. I shouldn't have kissed you."

"Oh…"

"I was stupid. I thought it would give me clarity, but that's not a good reason to kiss someone. I don't wanna do that to you. I'm sorry that I did."

"Clarity? About what?" Her big brown eyes already looked pained.

"I'm just gonna be honest with you—I have to be. I-I'm not from Canada. I'm from the States. Washington."

"Why did you lie about that?" She took a step back, her face scrunching up. She was probably thinking I was an escaped prisoner or some shit.

"Cause I guess the truth is complicated. I don't know anyone here; my family doesn't know where I am. I came out here to be alone." I looked down at my new sneakers, which were already dirty. "Then you spoke to me, and you were so nice to me; God, it sounds so pathetic, but I've been…lonely. And I know it's stupid; I have a whole family waiting back home for me-"

"Is that who you called yesterday? Do they know you're okay?"

"Yeah. Yeah, they know I'm fine. I've also done this before, they kinda expect this shit from me now. But things…happened back at home. I had to leave."

"I could tell there was something. Will you finally tell me?"

I blew out a breath.

"See, that's the thing, you noticed there was something wrong. No one usually does. I think you're a really kind person, and that's sorta fucking rare. You deserve someone who is gonna give you something back, and I knew it wasn't going to be me. I'm a dick, I'm sorry. It was wrong, alright?"

"I don't think that. You're unique. Maybe misunderstood?"

I rolled my eyes. "See, c'mon. Just call me a dick, it's alright. It'll probably make me feel better if you acknowledged it."

"Okay, you're a dick. Happy?" She laughed, and it still met her eyes despite the conversation.

I smirked. "Yeah, that's better."

She plopped down onto the sand, patting the spot next to her. I lowered myself down, keeping a distance between us, and sat.

"So, what is it? What happened back at home?"

"Well…" I chewed on my bottom lip.

Like a bandaid.

"I left because the girl I'm in love with is dead. For a while, I tried to stop it from happening, but it was useless; she chose it."

"She committed suicide?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

The rosiness of her face drained until she was completely pale, her eyes wide in shock.

"Oh my God. I didn't expect it to be anything like that, Jacob. Why? You say she chose it? Why did she end her life?"

I sucked on my teeth. "Cause she didn't see any worth in it. Look, we really don't have to get into this-"

"I think it's good for you to talk about it. I'm sorry, though; I don't want to pry if you don't want to."

"No, no, it's fine. I knew it was going to happen for a while."

I picked up a pinkish shell and mindlessly dragged it through the sand.

"Was she your girlfriend?"

"Unofficially, kinda. But she chose someone else, and he wasn't, how should I put this, good for her. I wasn't a walk in the park either, but he had a lot to do with her…death."

"Oh my god, what do you mean?!"

"Well, he didn't want her to die, but he knew that it wasn't going to end well with the choices she was making."

"Was it drugs?"

I paused, pondering.

"Guess you could say that."

"That's a lot. Like, way too much."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

Liz grabbed a shell and started scooping sand up into a little pile.

"What do you mean by unofficial girlfriend, though? If she was with this guy, then how?"

"We were both in love; we kissed a few times while she was with him. She told me we'd be together if the…addiction wasn't so strong."

"So she cheated on him with you?"

"Uh, I don't know. She didn't lie to him about it, so I guess it depends on your definition of cheating. But she told me she saw a future with me. Then she went on and married him anyway."

"What the–married him? How old is she?"

"Your age," I said, nodding in her direction.

"What!"

"Mhm. But aside from all my shit, you can tell me to fuck off, I'd understand."

"Why would I do that?"

Did I really have to spell it out?

"I sort of lead you on. Listen, you're a good person; you deserve way better than that. I'm not gonna do that to you cause I know how it feels. I won't lead you to believe that, 'Oh, maybe I'll be ready once I get over this,' cause, to be honest, I don't know if I ever will be. Not at least for a while."

I stayed focused on adding sand to her little pile. She cleared her throat.

"Honestly, Jacob, I'm fine. I only wanted you to be honest with me. That's all I think I wanted and, well, I'm lonely too. I-I get it. I probably shouldn't have kissed you either. I really do like you a lot and think you're really cool, but I also was kind of trying to fill a loneliness. Like, my family's not around, my boyfriend just dumped me, and I'm still getting over that, too."

I cracked a smile. "Oh sweet, so I was supposed to be the rebound?"

She nudged my arm. "Oh, stop it! No. But really, I get it. I mean, your situation is way worse—horrific even—but I get the loneliness thing. I'm just glad you spoke up."

"Okay. Cool. Look, I'm sorry for dumping all that on you; I'm not trying to. I don't talk about any of this stuff with anyone."

"No, it's okay. That's a lot to hold in. I want to be there for you, even if it's not in that way."

"You're better than me as a person," I half-heartedly laughed.

"How do your friends and family back home feel about all this?"

I snorted. "They're tired of hearing about it, rightfully so, though. It's old news at this point."

"Oh. That makes sense. I had a cousin who was an addict, and everyone felt that same way."

We continued adding to the sand pile till it was more of a mini mountain. I shaped the bottom with my hands.

"Yeah. Well. Still, I'm sorry. And you don't gotta be all nice; if you want me to leave you alone, I will. Be honest."

She giggled. "Jacob, relax! We haven't known each other very long; it's not like I was in love with you, don't sweat it. If anything, I'm just your boss or business manager or something? We can forget last night ever happened!"

What a damn relief.

"Well, thanks, you know, for listening. And for being so fucking nice," I said, exhaling.

"Let's just be friends?" She outstretched her hand.

I shook it.

"Deal."

To complete our wonky sand mountain, I grabbed a thin yellow straw beside my leg and stuck it at the top.

—

The rest of the day was well spent. Liz went and did her own thing, and I had time to explore the town by myself. I popped into the shops, ate at the WAG again, and got myself some ice cream after. Rocky Road. Cause, hell, I haven't had ice cream since I was a kid.

With some of the cash I made yesterday, I bought myself a couple of new tools and hair ties since I kept losing those fuckers. Some of the items in the stores made me sad, but I didn't let it get me down.

At night, I decided to be a rebel and try to sleep on the beach again, baton-wielding security guard be damned. I found a spot at the very far end of the beach behind a massive sand dune that I figured no one would bother me at.

I rest up against the large mountain of sand, going over the day in my head.

After all was said and done, getting everything off my chest felt good. It felt good to be straight up with Liz and have her as a friend, though I'm not sure I deserved it. I felt a little less guilty and more at my usual baseline of guilt.

Since I didn't get any sleep last night, the sound of the ocean was like a lullaby that had me dozing off pretty quickly.

As my eyes fluttered closed, the last thing I saw was the bright, gigantic moon hanging in the deep, black sky. It illuminated the waves that licked up on the shore. I hadn't seen the moon that big in a long while.

I think it was in my dream.