I live and reside in this fic now. I'm not sure when I'm going to burnout on writing/posting but I'm gonna enjoy this burst of delusions while it lasts. This one gets real! TW: panic attack, suicidal thoughts

Thank you besties for the comments 3 each and every one means so much to me. Really motivates me to finish this thing!

I should've expected it, but nonetheless, his presence startled me.

I couldn't idle by the entrance of Newtons any longer without Mike questioning what I was doing, so I walked forward, eyeing the silver Volvo parked in the lot. The passenger door was wide open.

Had it been enough time? I've gone over everything in my head for the past couple of weeks. Spending time alone, thinking. And I'd come to the same conclusion every time.

My mind felt clearer.

But was I ready to speak with him?

My steps were unsure, and the closer I got to the car, I became a little lightheaded. It was as if my body was aching for him, luring me closer. It felt like I'd been going through withdrawals.

I'm sure it was the same thing he currently felt with the scent of my blood in the air.

I slid into the leather seat, avoiding his eyes, and I shut the passenger door, anxiety clawing up my throat.

"Hello, Bella," Edward murmured beside me.

His mere presence was almost too much to handle. It took everything in me not to lean over, to look into his butterscotch eyes, to feel the coldness of his skin. But I didn't give in, and I stared through the windshield.

"Hi."

"Why do you reek of smoke?"

"Oh, um, I went to a bonfire last night. It must still be in my hair."

"I see. How are you doing?" He leaned slightly closer to me, trying to get me to look at him.

"Good. Why are you here, Edward?"

"There are things we need to talk about. I've given you some time, and I hope you have some answers now."

I swallowed the thick lump in my throat.

"Okay."

"Have you made up your mind?" He asked, faltering.

I leaned further away from him, but his scent overwhelmed me, making it useless.

"Yes."

"Please, tell me. Where do we stand?"

I had to be strong. I had to be honest with myself. I had to rip it off like a bandaid.

"We can't be together anymore," I whispered.

The words left my lips, and they felt foreign and terrifying. Real. Solidified. But underneath all the layers of my artificial desires, I knew it was true.

"You were right all along, I guess. I didn't think anything through."

Edward clicked his tongue. I could feel the agony radiating off of him.

"I knew it was going to come to this. I'm sorry, Bella. I've never wanted this life for you. I've tortured us both for too long."

Surprisingly, his answer only angered me.

"Then, if you knew, why did you pursue me in the first place? You knew I wouldn't be able to resist you, or any vampire for that matter."

"You know this, Bella. I was selfish. I am selfish. Simple as that. I knew better, but I couldn't stay away. I did try to end this, to leave you, and we saw how that turned out."

"Yes." I looked down into my lap, scooting further until the armrest on the door dug into me.

"What's wrong?"

It hurt to even think about it.

"That's something I thought about a lot. You leaving."

"What of it? "

"You know how I purposely didn't ever want to talk about the…condition I was in when you were gone? Because, ironically, I didn't want to hurt you."

"Yes."

"I brushed over it too much. Buried it. It's hard to think about. I forgave you so quickly after I'd suffered for months. Of course, I know you suffered as well."

"Tremendously."

"I don't think I ever really told you any of it—"

"No, but Jacob made sure I saw some of it in his mind. I will never forgive myself for it…"

"Jacob didn't see most of it. I hid it. I was having hallucinations, and I woke up Charlie every night with my screams from the nightmares I had. I was a zombie, barely alive."

"Bella—"

"When you told me you didn't want me, I think something broke inside me. I felt worthless. I don't think you coming back fixed it—it feels wired in me now. I forgave you so quickly so I could forget it even happened. I was desperate not to feel that feeling anymore."

"I don't know what you want me to say. I cannot go back in time."

I looked at him and braced myself for the utter beauty of his face to shatter me.

His eyes were shimmering gold snares set perfectly and delicately for me to fall right into. The perfection of his God-like face startled me, as it always did, but I didn't allow myself to waver. I did not fall into the trap.

"You don't need to say anything; I want you to listen. I'm not asking for anything more. There is nothing to fix."

"Okay. I will listen. Go on." He gestured for me to continue.

"If I'm being completely honest with myself, Edward, I think a big reason I wanted you to turn me was so I wouldn't hate myself anymore."

I knew the words hurt him just as they hurt me. But, frankly, I didn't care. He had to hear them. I exhaled a big breath.

"I wanted to match up with your perfection; I was tired of feeling weak and inadequate. I never thought we were on the same playing field; you were always a million steps ahead of me while I floundered behind, tripping over my own feet. And…I told you that I had always stumbled through life, that I wasn't normal, and that's true, but that doesn't mean I belong in your world. I was always awkward and kind of weird, but I didn't hate myself before you."

His expression was blank. Unreadable.

"I never wanted you to hate yourself. You know I view my kind as lesser than…"

"Yes, I know. It's mainly my own problem with how I view myself. Turning into a vampire would only be escaping those problems—a quick fix for my poor self-esteem. And not only that, being a vampire would pose a risk to the humans around me who I love; it would cause a war with the wolves."

"I agree with that. But may I ask, what about your love for me?"

I sighed and leaned my head against the window, closing my eyes.

"Let's be honest with what we are, Edward. I'm addicted to you, just as you are to me. I can barely sit in this car with you and think straight. I do have love for you, but at this point, I truly don't know if it's chemical or not. Like you said, your design is to draw me in. If I really think about it, I'm not sure that we would be together at all if you were human. I mean, maybe? Maybe we would've dated, but I'm not sure it would've lasted very long."

"Interesting hypothetical. I don't think that's relevant, though."

"It was just a thought."

"Hm."

"I just think we are fundamentally incompatible. It's not even that we are human and vampire; it's… everything. I hate the cold. I hate blood. I love the sun. I love to cook. I don't want to be married yet—or possibly ever. I don't like parties or flashy gifts. I hate that thing," I said, nodding to the Mercedes parked next to Mike's Suburban across the lot. "I don't like the designer clothes Alice dresses me in. I don't care about diamonds or fancy colleges or money."

He started tapping the steering wheel.

"I also can't help but feel that Rosalie was right. That you wouldn't have loved me so much if it weren't for my scent and the fact you can't read my mind."

"Rosalie isn't right about anything," he snarled defensively.

"But have you ever considered that?"

"Bella, these things don't matter. The reality is that I am not human; I cannot read your mind, and you are my singer. Can we focus on the actual situation at hand, please?"

I could sense that he knew I was right.

"Fine." I shifted in my seat as he sat motionless beside me. "All I'm saying is I think some of the major appeal between us is that we are forbidden and different, which makes it exciting. I'm not sure we would withstand the test of time if we were both vampires. I barely even know who I am. My life has been completely upended and consumed by you within the window of time I've been with you."

"I see. It's incredible to witness your mind drastically change."

"I don't think I consciously changed my mind. I think everything caught up with me, and my body forced me to see it. Then I couldn't unsee it after that."

"Is there anything else?" I could tell he couldn't handle much more.

"Yes, actually, I want to mention one more thing about when you left. It made me realize we weren't meant to be."

"How so?"

"Okay, so, let's say that when you left, the wolves didn't exist-"

"Again, with these childish hypotheticals."

"Please just listen?"

He nodded with his lips in a hard line.

"You left. I was alone. Say the wolves didn't save me. Laurent would have killed me, and that would've been the end of our story. And if Laurent wouldn't have killed me, I would've died jumping off the cliff if Jacob hadn't pulled me out of the water."

"I've thought of these things too, Bella. But you desperately begged me and begged me to change you. You wanted to be with me. You were extremely adamant."

"I was, and I'm sorry for putting you in that position. Thank you for not giving in so easily. I think part of it was out of fear. I was constantly at risk for staying human."

"Yes, and you still are."

"I know."

I tugged at a loose thread on my apron.

"And I must note that within that time, you even managed to fall in love with my mortal enemy." He laughed half-heartedly. "That told me a lot, too. Perhaps you do belong with them. Clearly, you still love the mutts."

I turned to him, disgusted.

"Don't call them that."

"Oh, you care what I call them now? Do you scold them when they call us leeches?"

A bitterness took over his face and tone.

"I don't like any of the name-calling! But don't sit there and act like your being here wasn't what forced them to phase in the first place! You and your family certainly didn't have to stay here; you could live anywhere. The tribe doesn't have the same privilege of up and moving—they also shouldn't have to. They don't have billions of dollars like you do. You have no right to talk down on them the way you do and view them as lesser than."

He scoffed.

"Did one of them pay you to say that, Isabella?"

"No." I spat. "It's just a fact."

"The wolves are not these innocent victims that you view them as—they are violent. Now, I wouldn't say that they are bad or evil; they're quite, well, how do I put it…imbecilic. They don't think, they act."

"So you're telling me you aren't the imbecile for harassing Quil's grandfather the way you did?"

"The way you stick up for a man that hates you is quite admirable."

"He only "hates" me because of you!"

"None of those dogs like you, Bella. What do they even offer you? What would Jacob Black be able to offer you?" His laugh was laced with pretentiousness.

"I'm done with this conversation; I said everything I needed to say. Goodbye, Edward," I said, grabbing the door handle. But of course, he locked it before I could get it open.

"Just a few more minutes. Settle down. I have some news."

Every ominous possibility shot through my mind instantly to where I couldn't formulate a coherent thought.

I fell back in my seat, arms crossed against my ribs.

"Of course you do. Make it quick. I need to get home."

Edward sighed, and it sounded unnatural.

"Well, I'm sure this won't come as a surprise to you; you knew this was coming."

The dread made me freeze.

"Before, I said that there are consequences of you staying human; well, these are them, unfortunately. The Volturi have reached out to us. We've been…corresponding. They are asking if you've been changed. Of course, after everything we discussed, that won't be happening now."

I knew this, of course, but it infuriated me. I felt so trapped. Suffocated. Just as I did sitting in the Volvo.

There would have been consequences to every choice I made, no matter what I chose. Edward had hounded me of all the consequences of being a vampire, and now, even with not choosing vampirism/him, I was still faced with grave danger. It didn't matter where I ran; I was constantly faced with a deadly wall.

Even if I stay true to myself, I have to pay a price.

They were going to kill me.

But I had already determined that I rather that be the case. I could not change my mind back to when I could justify turning into a vampire. I tried; I truly did.

So I would go to Volterra and try to reason with them. I'd go alone—I was done dragging anyone else into my mess. I would convince them. It was all I had. If they killed me, then at least I stuck to my guns and didn't endanger anyone else in the process.

That would be a terrible anti-climatic ending to my life, but what other choice did I have? I didn't want to be with Edward anymore, to put everyone at risk, be an enemy to the wolves, start a war, and be a bloodthirsty newborn.

I didn't want to die. I didn't want to change. My hands were tied. My life had become a revolving door.

"I'll go there and talk to them, convince them that I would never tell a soul."

"You can't be so foolish to believe that would be enough, can you?" Edward laughed. "And, well, they're coming here."

I let that sink in for a few seconds but couldn't comprehend it. The very loose plan I had in mind was now out the window.

"They're all coming here this time? Even Aro, Caius and Marcus?"

Edward solemnly nodded.

"N-no. No, Edward, they can't all come here because of me. That's ridiculous. Why?"

"They claim they want to catch up with us and because we went out of our way last time to go to Italy. But truly, it's to ensure you've been changed and that no other humans in the area know about us. If they even have an inkling a human knows, they would have to kill them. I assume Aro wants to see that everything is in order after everything with the newborn battle."

Blood rushed through my whole body, and suddenly, I was too hot. I reached to roll the window down, but Edward stopped me.

"What?! I need air!"

"Oh, I'm sorry; I thought you were trying to leave again."

"Ugh." He rolled the windows down, and I let the cool air wash over me.

"So you can't tell them to stay in Italy? To not come?"

"I'm afraid that would make things look very suspicious. They are also royalty; we have no say in what they do or decide."

"So what do we do?" A dewy breeze swept through the car, and it felt like it would rain.

"We're going to have to make some sort of deal, and it will probably be what Alice has seen."

"You joining them?"

"Yes. They would love to have me join."

"I don't want that for you."

"To be completely honest, Bella, I wouldn't mind, especially if it were to spare your life. I've lived for over a hundred years, and you have decided not to be with me. I've lived a good enough life. Besides, I am the one who put you in this predicament."

He was right. I wouldn't be in this situation if he hadn't gone there to provoke them.

"But do we know they would even accept?"

"We don't 100% know. We'll have to see. I think they would accept it. Of course, you just have to never tell a human in your lifetime."

"I hate this."

"As do I. But there is nothing to do about it. I'm going to be on high alert. Since you broke the cameras, I may have to come by occasionally to ensure none of the guard try to slip by us and visit you. I don't think they would do such a thing, but it's precautionary."

"That feels like overkill."

"It's the Volturi. I have to be."

"Fine. Are we done now?"

"Yes. I will keep you updated if there's anything new."

"Will you let me know when they're here?"

He hesitated. "Yes."

"Okay. Can you unlock the door now?"

In a swift movement, Edward got out of the car and crossed around the hood to the passenger door. He pulled it open for me.

"Um, okay. Thanks. Bye, Edward."

"Goodbye, Bella. Drive safe."

I climbed into the Mercedes and watched Edward speed out of the lot, going in the opposite direction that I thought he would've gone.

As I sat in utter silence, everything came crashing down upon me. Heavy, brutal, and ruthless.

Did I really just have that conversation? Did I really just officially end things with Edward?

Was Aro actually coming to this tiny town wedged in the corner of the country? I tried to imagine him here, but I couldn't. The last time I'd seen him was in his vast, surreal headquarters, plucked straight from a dream or nightmare.

I turned the key in the ignition, and the car came to life. A minute into the drive home, the rain started falling hard.

It was the anticipation that always killed me, that made me overthink and go in torturous cycles. It made the paranoia of someone being in my room constant. I couldn't stand it. I could never catch a break.

The roads became slick, and the tears that came on blurred my vision. I couldn't stop them from coming. I sobbed, wailing loudly in the stupid car.

Peace. That was all I wanted. Clarity. I wanted things to settle and be normal for just one week in my life.

I stopped at a red light, comprehending something Edward had said. I wasn't sure I could drive once the light turned green.

"If they even have an inkling a human knows, they would have to kill them."

No.

God, no. It only got worse the more I allowed that to sink in.

Billy, Old Quil, Sue, Rachel, Kim, Emily, Joy.

No!

And what about the pack? The Volturi didn't know of their existence. What would they make of them when Aro sees them in any of the Cullens' minds?

The light turned green, and I couldn't drive forward until my hand stopped shaking—luckily, no one was behind me.

I couldn't go home right now without scaring Charlie, so I turned left toward the forest. I rolled the window down, not caring about the pouring rain getting in the car. I needed to breathe.

But I couldn't.

Visions of The Volturi slaughtering the tribe after they'd killed me flashed in my mind, followed by Charlie, broken, sobbing on the kitchen floor from the loss of his daughter and his closest friends.

The most terrifying part was that they had done this before. Due to Caius's fear of werewolves, they took out every werewolf in Europe. But those werewolves weren't shapeshifters like the Quileutes; they were something else called Children of the Moon, who turned from being bitten.

Would they care to understand the difference? Would they immediately go in for the kill once they knew of the pack's existence?

I could not catch my breath through the panic.

And they were coming here because of me.

The road was long, windy, and empty. A thick fog hovered above it, whisking through the surrounding dark green trees. It became harder to see through my tears, rain, and fog, so I relied mainly on sound out the window to listen for other cars.

There was no easy solution, no simple answer, no conclusion that wouldn't end in death or war or terror or loss.

People were always at risk because of me, no matter my choice. I probably wouldn't be getting out of this alive. Leaving my loved ones to grieve over me was inevitable; it would be the best solution that would keep them safe.

The pressure was too much for me to handle, too much for me to live with.

I could end this all right now before the Volturi got here to hurt anyone else. The Cullens could prove I died, and they wouldn't have to come here. I could end this all right now so I didn't have to become a bloodthirsty vampire. I could end this now, on my own terms, and not leave it in the hands of anyone else. I could end this all to stop these thoughts.

This pressure.

This pain.

This heartbreak.

I pressed my foot to the gas.

The Mercedes revved loudly and flew down the slick road. The wind whipped my hair wildly, obstructing my sight further. The rain poured into the car.

I heard a scream, but I wasn't in my body anymore. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear.

I gripped the wheel, my hands still shaking, causing me to swerve, and I directed the car toward a giant spruce.

I could end this all.

The colossal tree became closer and closer in sight. It was a beautiful tree; I wouldn't have minded it being the last thing I saw.

Closer.

Closer.

I was still screaming, primarily out of pure, unbridled rage and frustration.

I didn't want to die; I sincerely didn't—that was the worst part.

I wanted to live. I wanted to see where life took me. I wanted to experience everything it had to offer. I wanted to fight for myself. I wanted to fight for my life.

I could end it all.

And I almost did.

But seconds before the bumper crashed into the tree, I swerved to the left, spun back onto the street, and hit the brakes because I was not the same girl who jumped off the cliff back in March.

I was someone new.