AN: Trigger warning - mentions of rape / non-con in this chapter.

{ 3 }

Sunlight streaming through the window is what woke me early Wednesday morning. My eyes blinked against the offending light and I pulled the blanket over my face to block it out. That was when I realized that I was not in my room in the dungeon. The blanket that was covering my body was softer than my standard issue Hogwarts blanket. Despite the comfortable bed and warm blanket I found myself in, I sat up and looked around, getting my bearings before the events of the previous night flooded back.

My eyes darted to the bedroom door. It was still closed. The witch inside still presumably sleeping.

In the bathroom I relieved myself and took a quick shower. Then I transfigured my clothes back into my school uniform and ensured that I looked impeccable as always.

Back in the living area, I folded the blankets and reversed the charm on the bed to turn it back into a couch. I was just finishing this task when the bedroom door opened.

I'm not sure what I expected, but a rumpled, half asleep Granger probably wasn't it. Her hair was matted on one side. She was still in her pajamas. The shirt she was wearing was pulled down almost indecently low. One of her pant legs was pulled up almost to her knee. She yawned and stretched her arms over her head.

She looked freaking adorable.

"Good morning, Granger." I couldn't help but smirk at her as her eyes landed on me.

"Shut it, Malfoy," she grumbled as she shuffled into the bathroom.

I laughed as the door slammed shut. For some reason I had always pictured her as a morning person. Apparently not.

Twenty minutes later she emerged from the bathroom looking like a completely different witch. She had changed into her uniform. Red plaid skirt. White blouse with the top two buttons open. Gray sweater with red trim. Red plaid tie that was tied loosely around her neck. Red and gray argyle socks pulled up over her calves. And those damn black combat boots.

Her hair was no longer matted, but looked tousled instead, like someone had their fingers in it only moments earlier. Her eyelids had a smokey color on them and her lips were pink from lip gloss.

She had gone from adorable to sexy-as-fuck in twenty minutes.

"You can go ahead if you want," she grumbled. Her voice was still thick with sleep despite her appearance.

"You aren't much of a morning person, are you Granger?" I settled back in the chair and motioned for her to continue packing up her things.

She rolled her eyes and flipped me the bird.

"Why are you still here?" She called over her shoulder as she returned to the bedroom.

"What kind of gentleman would I be if I left you to face the three headed dog on your own?" That sounded like a good excuse, right?

She laughed.

"Fluffy is living out his life in the Forbidden Forest. I need to ask Hagrid how he managed to get him out of there." She returned with her knapsack thrown over her shoulder. "What I'm hearing is you were too scared to go out there by yourself."

She grinned as she packed my blankets into her bag.

"Are you questioning my chivalry now? You wound me." I placed my hand over my heart and scowled at her playfully. I was rewarded for my efforts when she laughed again. The sound warmed my heart.

I stood up as she neared the door and smoothed out the wrinkles in my uniform. When I looked back up, she was watching me with a wry smirk on her face.

"What?" I asked somewhat defensively. Had I missed a wrinkle? I looked down to check and she nearly snorted with laughter.

"Nothing."

I could hear the laughter in her voice. I raised an eyebrow and crossed the room to stand in front of her.

"Something funny?" I kept my tone light although I was uncomfortable with being laughed at. I suppose everyone is.

"It's just, well, look at you. Shirt tucked in. Buttoned all the way up. Tie perfectly centered. Not a wrinkle or a spec of lint anywhere. Every hair perfectly in place. Then look at me. The complete opposite." She pushed her hair back and tilted her head to the side.

"You do realize you just described the regulation uniform, right?" I asked, still not understanding why she was laughing at me for looking my best.

"Exactly! You must think I look terrible." She huffed out a laugh and gestured to her clothing.

So wait, was she laughing at herself rather than at me? I blinked my eyes twice as I processed that.

I think you look amazing.

That thought is probably best kept in my head. I swallowed thickly and willed myself to say anything else.

"You definitely do not look terrible," I assured her instead. My eyes held hers for a moment. I pretended not to notice the pink that flushed her cheeks. Or the heat that I could feel in the tops of my ears.

"Can I tell you a secret?" She took a small step closer to me. I nodded for her to continue. "Last night was the first time I've ever seen you...casual. Relaxed. Your hair messed up. It's like today you are an entirely different person. I have the intense desire to mess up your hair right now. Just to see what you would do. To see how long it would take you to put it to rights."

She started to lift her arm up. She was teasing me, but she would actually do it. I could tell by the mischievous glint in her eye.

My hand caught her wrist gently before she could come close to touching my hair.

"Now would be an excellent time to practice self control." Even though I was sure that her fingers in my hair would feel like Heaven.

"I can't look like that in front of them," I admitted quietly. Her eyes darted across my face. Then she stepped back, putting some distance between us. My hand trailed across her skin as she pulled out of my loose hold around her wrist.

"You're probably right," she said with a mischievous grin. "You walk around the school looking like that and you'll have to beat the witches off with a broom."

She winked at me. Then she turned around, opened the door and left our sanctuary. It took me a full five seconds to catch on to what she had said. I felt a smile pull at my lips when I realized she had just admitted, in a roundabout way, that she liked the way I looked last night. I already knew from her flustered reaction, but still to hear her admit it sent a warm current through my body.

I caught up to her just as she was passing through the archway and into the main corridor. A few steps further and we would be at the landing.

"You might want to take your own advice, you know?" I told her as the main stairwell came into view. She paused and looked at me with one eyebrow raised in question. I let my eyes roam across her form, slow enough that she knew I was looking, but not long enough to be leering.

"Look at you," I said quietly. "Walking around looking like every man's fantasy of a naughty schoolgirl. It won't be long before someone gets brave enough to make a move."

Her eyes widened and her breath caught in her throat. Then she took a slow step towards me.

"Every man's fantasy?" She looked up at me through her lashes.

Fuck. Me.

Neither one of us blinked. Our eyes were locked together. It was unnaturally warm in that hallway. I knew my face was pink. But I did not back down.

If she could be honest, then so could I. Really, did we have any secrets left between us anyway?

It was a dangerous game we were playing. I knew it. She knew it. This flirting could never lead anywhere. It was just a bit of fun, nothing more. Never anything more.

The grating sound of stone on stone broke the trance between us. We both stepped back and took deep breaths to clear our heads.

I cleared my throat, then gestured for her to go ahead.

"Ladies first," I muttered. She averted her eyes and quickly walked towards the waiting staircase.

We started down the steps and the staircase moved on us yet again.

"Malfoy, I can't. You know that, right?" She looked up at me with troubled eyes. "It isn't you. It's just...I can't. Not after…not yet. Maybe not ever."

She didn't have to say another word. I already knew.

"Potter's mudblood put up more of a fight than you did. It's disappointing really."

I shook my head quickly to dispel the errant memory.

"Granger, stop. Believe me, I get it." I took a deep breath, then admitted, "It's the same for me."

The thought of being with someone, of being intimate with someone, made me physically ill. I couldn't even contemplate it.

Her hand found mine and squeezed. I returned the gesture. I knew her secret, and she knew mine. Now we also had a mutual understanding. Look but don't touch. Flirt but don't act. Want but never have.

I looked down at our joined hands. Was it strange that we could touch like that without being repulsed? I held her in my arms, not twelve hours ago, and didn't even think twice about it. Only how good it had felt.

I glanced up at her face and found that she was staring at our hands also. Was she thinking the same thing? That holding onto her hand felt...nice? Comforting? Natural?

The staircase ground to a halt. We stood there for a handful of heartbeats.

"Come on, Malfoy." She started down the stairs first, tugging on my hand as she went. "I'm starving and desperately in need of coffee."

I let her lead me down to the Great Hall. It was still extremely early and there were very few people up and about. No one made notice when we entered the hall together. Or when she released my hand to go to the Gryffindor table while I walked to the other side of the room to the Slytherin table. And I doubt anyone noticed that we sat directly across from each other, with only three tables between us.

It was only a few minutes before other students started filtering into the room. I didn't pay any attention to them, keeping my eyes focused on my plate and my mind as blank as possible. Which was difficult, because I kept replaying my morning with Granger over and over in my head.

The room filled up around me. The cacophony of voices got louder and louder as more students came in with their friends, talking and laughing about whatever the latest gossip was to hit the hallways of Hogwarts.

Theo sat beside me and mumbled a half-hearted greeting.

"You know what today is, right?" He asked as he filled his plate with sausages and eggs.

I blinked at him as I tried to think of the importance of the day. It was Wednesday. Nothing special going on in classes. Too early in the year for any exams. There was an assignment due in arithmancy, but I finished it days ago.

Wait. It's Wednesday. Fuck me. How could I have forgotten that the Ministry-ordered therapist would be here for our session today? It had not even crossed my mind.

Because Hermione Granger has been on your brain.

I released a deep sigh and pushed my plate back. My appetite was gone.

Theo and I had both been seeing the therapist, Healer Edinfield, for the last three months. The sessions were emotionally trying, at best. At their worst, they were downright depressing. Reliving the worst days of your life. Recounting your biggest mistakes and failures. Needless to say, not something I ever looked forward to.

"What time is yours?" Theo asked.

"Ten o'clock. Right after arithmancy. How about you?"

We stood up together and left the Great Hall.

"Not till later this afternoon. Four o'clock. I must be his last appointment for the day."

The hallways were rather empty yet. Most students were still eating and classes didn't begin for another thirty minutes. We were the first to arrive at Professor Vector's classroom. We sat in the back row near the window.

I no more than opened my bag and took my book and parchment out than the door opened again. I looked up in time to see Granger walk in like she owned the place. She walked behind Theo, walked behind me, and sat down at the desk to my left.

I stared at her for a few seconds, then looked out over the rest of the classroom. There were at least twenty empty seats in the room. My eyes met Theo's. He raised an eyebrow and smirked at me. Arsehole.

"Granger. Why are you sitting next to me?" I asked in a low voice, even though I'm sure Theo could hear it anyway and there wasn't anyone else in the room.

She looked at me, blinked twice, then lifted an eyebrow.

"Malfoy. Why are you sitting next to me?"

Theo snorted in laughter. It was very undignified.

"In case you haven't figured it out yet, I could not give a shite what anyone else thinks about me. Now, if you want me to move, I will. Otherwise, I like this seat and honestly, I don't care who knows that we are not mortal enemies any longer."

"Draco, mate." Theo clapped me on the back. He had stopped laughing, but still wore an immense smile on his face that I wanted to use as target practice. "Grab hold of her and never let go."

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Fine. If she didn't care about the rumors that would no doubt start flying before class was even over, then why should I? It's not like they would hurt my reputation any. If anything, it would be her image that would be damaged, not mine.

"Is that our official standing, then? Not mortal enemies?" I smirked at her and sat back in my seat.

"It'll do for now." She shrugged her shoulder and turned to look out the window.

Predictably, as each student entered the classroom, their eyes lingered curiously on our table. It was a small class, twelve in all, and a healthy mixture of all four houses. Which meant by lunchtime, everyone would know.

Well, she didn't care, so fuck it. It's not like we are doing anything scandalous. We're sitting at the same bloody table during a class. No big deal.

Vector started her lesson. I followed along with the complex algorithms, but I was hyper aware of the girl sitting next to me at the same time.

She never opened her bag. The desk in front of her was empty. No book. No notes. Not even a quill in sight. She watched and listened, but did not participate.

It was unsettling. Unnatural. Odd.

"Miss Granger. Perhaps you could give us the answer?" Vector's eyes narrowed as she took notice of Hermione's strange behavior.

Hermione blinked, pushed her hair behind her ears, and cleared her throat.

"Ten months, seventeen days, three hours, twenty two minutes and...five seconds."

I consulted my parchment. I had only calculated to the nearest day. A low murmur spread through the room as Vector stared at her, speechless.

"Very good," she finally admitted. "Please see me after class."

Hermione nodded once and Vector continued the lesson. At the end of the period, I had to leave for my appointment with Healer Edinfield. As I stood, I leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Good luck."

She rolled her eyes at me and shoo-ed me out the door.

I made my way down the stairs to the fourth floor and knocked on the door for Edinfield's make-shift office.

"Ah, Mr. Malfoy. Right on time." He sat behind a large desk that had a pile of files sitting on one side and one folder open in front of him. His black hair was combed neatly to one side.

"Healer Edinfield." I answered him politely as I sat in the chair opposite of him.

"What would you like to talk about today?" It was the same question he always started out with. Giving me an option for our topic of the day.

Except, I never want to talk about anything, so he always ends up picking our topic anyway. Until today. Today there are so many thoughts swirling around in my head that I don't know which one to start with. We only have an hour to talk, and I know it won't be long enough.

There is one thing that's been weighing heavily on my mind, though, and I find the words spilling out before I can stop them.

"How do people go on like nothing ever happened? Like a battle between good and evil didn't take place right here less than six months ago? These people are just...going to classes. Hanging out with friends. Hooking up. Gossiping about each other. It's like we are right back where we started."

His eyes were wide when I looked up at him. He raised a brow and shuffled his papers.

"Some people find solace in routine. Acting like things are normal is how they cope."

I understand that, I suppose.

"Have you fallen back into a normal routine?" He asked, peering at me over his glasses. "Two years ago, what was your goal when you came to Hogwarts?"

I raised my brow and may have snorted. Was he kidding? He just waited for me to answer.

"Two years ago I came to Hogwarts with a fresh brand on my arm and two impossible tasks handed to me by a deranged madman. My goal was to survive."

To his credit, he did not even flinch. He knew most of my history already. He knew what I did and why I did it.

"And what is your goal for this year?"

It's possible my therapist is deranged. I'm just saying.

"Fulfill my Ministry mandated probation and graduate."

"Exactly!" He grinned at me. I stared at him in confusion. Whatever point he thought he just made was beyond me.

"Don't you see?" He asked. "Each person's normal is different. Most of your classmates have the same goals they had two years ago. They are on the same path they were on; they just had to take a slight detour because of circumstances beyond their control."

My breath caught as I finally realized where he was going with this.

"You, however, are on a completely different path altogether. Your normal will look different than it used to because it is different."

He watched me carefully, folding his hands over his desk and waiting for me to make the next move. I nodded slowly to acknowledge that I understood.

"Perhaps you've noticed some of your classmates that are also having a difficult time returning to normal?" He made an airquote motion with his fingers as he said the word normal.

Instantly, an image of Granger from that morning popped into my head. She had definitely not returned to normal.

"Yes." I answered. "There are others."

He waited for me to elaborate. Silence surrounded us as the seconds ticked by. Internally I debated whether or not I should mention her. These sessions were supposed to be to deal with the past and move on. But she is very much a part of my past also, is she not?

I realized my leg was bouncing up and down with nervous energy.

He cleared his throat.

"Anyone in particular you would like to talk about?"

I sighed. Leaned forward to rest my elbows against my knees and dropped my head to look at the floor.

"There is someone. She is as far from what her normal used to be as you can possibly get. In some ways I almost admire her for her ability to tell everyone to fuck off."

"Interesting. Does that include you?" Healer Edinfield was scribbling furiously in his file now. He paused long enough to look up at me and quirk his eyebrow.

"You would think so," I admitted. Of anyone in the school that she should have treated in that manner, it should have been me. "Actually, she and I have developed a sort of...understanding, I suppose. Not mortal enemies is what we are calling it."

I chuckled at the absurdity. Healer Edinfield blinked.

"Not mortal enemies?" He repeated back in question.

"It's a step up for us." I shrugged my shoulder and smirked to myself.

"I don't deserve her forgiveness." I said a little quieter. Truly, I don't. "And yet, she seems to be more comfortable around me than she is with anyone else. Even her close friends. It's...odd."

He stopped writing his notes and looked up at me.

"Is it unwelcome?"

His question took me by surprise, although I'm not sure why. I might have expected him to ask me why she is comfortable around me. That's the question I would have asked in his stead. That simply is not his style, though.

I thought about the way she looked when she woke up this morning, all sleepy and tousled. And later in the hallway, when she looked up at me. Or on the stairs when she grabbed my hand.

"No, it isn't unwelcome at all. I just...if she keeps this up...she shouldn't want to be associated with me. She's one of them."

"Them? Whatever do you mean?" Edinfield laughed shortly. He leaned back in his chair and eyed me in what could possibly be described as amusement.

"You know... them! The good guys. She's...she's a good person, that has had really bad things happen to her. Bad things that I witnessed. That I was a party to." I shook my head. Both of my hands clasped my hair tightly. I stared down at the floor as if it held all of the answers I desired.

"Draco. It sounds as though she has forgiven you for your prior transgressions. We are still working on forgiving yourself, though, aren't we?"

I huffed out a choked breath. That's what it always came back to, wasn't it? These sessions always ended up in the same place. Forgiving myself.

How in the bloody hell am I ever supposed to forgive myself for the wretched things that I've done?

Anxiety clogged my airway. I forced myself to breathe through it. I focused on the knot in the floorboards until the dark edges around my vision receded.

"Is there something you may have done that would redeem you in her eyes? Actions, as they say, speak louder than words. Perhaps she feels you have atoned for your past already."

Almost instantly, I was transported back to that day. The final battle. The sun rising over the horizon. The acrid mixture of smoke and death. The stillness that settled over everything. The crackling of still burning fires. The gentle waves of the Black Lake licking at the shoreline.

In the distance I could see the brown haired witch I had been searching for. Relief flooded through me as I saw her standing at the top of the ridge. She had survived. For some reason, that meant everything.

I picked my way through the debris, making my way closer to her. As I neared, I realized she was tense. Her wand held tightly in her grip and aimed at a figure on the ground.

She heard my footsteps, but she did not turn to see who was approaching. I stepped up beside her. Only then did I look to see who she was aiming at.

I don't know why I was shocked. Surprised he had survived the battle, I suppose.

I gripped my own wand and aimed it at the same man.

"I stopped her from doing something she could never take back." I took a shuddering breath. Tried to wipe the images from my mind.

I didn't dare look at him. I could feel his eyes on me. I could practically hear the questions in the silence between us. He didn't say the words, but he didn't need to, either.

I stood up, walked past his desk to the window. If I turned my head just right, I could see the ridge she had been standing on.

"Granger. Do you want me to call the Aurors for you? To come pick up this trash?"

Her eyes slid towards me, then refocused on the man that was lying on the ground, petrified. His eyes darted back and forth from me to her. I took a small amount of satisfaction from the fear that I saw in those black eyes.

"No, Malfoy. I'll take care of him myself." She twisted her wrist. The piece of shit's eyes widened.

"Capable as you may be, you are not a killer. No more than I am." When I was faced with Dumbledore at the end of my wand, I couldn't utter the spell that would send him to his final resting place, even though I knew my survival depended on it.

"You and I are nothing alike." Her words lacked the venom that would usually be present. Only some of her focus was on me. Mostly she was watching the man on the ground with cold, calculating eyes.

"You might be surprised, actually." My words were soft. I don't even know if I meant for her to hear them.

Her eyes slid over to me for a few seconds before returning to him.

"I know what he did to you." My own wand shook with my confession. I could feel her eyes solidly on me, now. They were wide with shock.

"How?"

I swallowed the bile that was gathering in my throat.

"He…" I tried to breathe. The words were right there. I knew about her. It was only fair that she know about me as well. "He raped you."

She gasped. Her free hand covered her mouth. Her wand hand shook. I wasn't done yet.

"He told me," I took another deep breath, closed my eyes and steeled myself for the rest of it. "He told me...after...after he forced me…"

Just say the fucking words, Draco!

"Oh Gods." She gasped. I saw the horror on her face as understanding dawned. Somehow that made it easier to mutter those words for the first time, to admit out loud what had happened to me.

"He told me about you, after he raped me."

Tears streamed down both of our faces. Our eyes met for a moment of shared grief and shame before we refocused on him.

I stared out the window for several minutes before I cleared my throat.

"What did you stop her from doing, Draco?" Edinfield asked quietly.

Finally, I turned to face him. I leaned against the windowsill, crossed my arms over my chest and lifted my head to meet his gaze.

"Murdering the man that sexually assaulted her. After everything that she had been through, I wasn't about to let her survive just to destroy her own soul."

Unapologetic. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

His brow lifted for a moment. He took his glasses off his face. Wiped the lenses slowly on his shirt. Cleared his throat.

"I think that's enough for today." He said finally.

My brow lifted and I checked the clock. It was barely half past. I vaguely wondered what I had said to leave the healer speechless. I did not ask, though. I simply nodded at him curtly and walked out the door.

For the first time, I left feeling more grounded than I had been going in. Despite the memories that had been brought to the forefront, or maybe it was because of them, I walked through the halls with my head held high.

On the staircase landing, I ran into the very witch that had been the topic of conversation with my therapist.

"Surely you aren't just leaving Arithmancy?" I asked her with a smirk. "How long did it take Vector to issue you a detention?"

She rolled her eyes at me and flipped her hair over her shoulder. Then she leaned up against the wall next to me.

"She did not give me detention. She wanted to talk." She shuddered. "I swear, I would rather have the detention."

I laughed at her theatrics.

"She wanted to talk about how you can perform complex arithmancy calculations in your head?"

"No." She shrugged her shoulders and released a deep sigh. "She doesn't think I'm coping well and wants me to talk to someone about the war."

My brows furrowed. Why would Vector feel the need to talk to her about something so private?

"Something about changes in my personality? I don't know. I stopped listening two minutes in."

My laugh that time was more of a snort than a laugh.

She smirked at me.

"Oh come on!" I laughed harder. "You haven't raised your hand once in a week and a half. That has to be some kind of record for you."

"Oh Merlin. Not you too!" She shook her head and smiled.

She has a beautiful smile.

"Seriously, though, have you talked to anyone about it?" I was probably overstepping. I held my breath until she responded.

The smile fell from her face and she stared at her feet for several long seconds.

"No." She finally answered. "Have you?"

I glanced back down the hallway.

"It's part of my probation."

She nodded like she understood.

"Look, it doesn't matter anyway. I'm fine. I don't need to talk to anyone about the war or my feelings or why I'm not taking notes or answering questions obsessively. There is nothing wrong with me."

She pushed herself off the wall and stepped around me. My hand snaked out and wrapped around her wrist gently. She froze, looked down at my hand, then up at me with a raised eyebrow.

I held her gaze and I held onto her wrist.

"There is not a damn thing wrong with you."

She held my gaze then she nodded almost imperceptibly. She twisted her wrist easily from my loose grip, flipped her hand over on top of mine and squeezed.

"There are a million things wrong with me." She blinked quickly against the moisture that was shining in her eyes. For a moment, the walls that she had built around herself cracked. "Talking to someone will not change anything that happened to me. Anything that I saw. Anything that I did. It won't change anything."

I tugged her closer. For the second time in two days, I put my arm around her and held her against my chest. She didn't resist, taking the comfort I was offering her.

Her words triggered a memory, though. I had said almost the exact same thing in my first session with Healer Edinfield. I argued with him that therapy sessions were pointless and I was only there because I was being forced. He had listened to my tirade patiently, then he had told me something simple that gave me perspective, which I decided I should pass along to her as well.

"It's not meant to change the past."

Almost instantly, the tears that had been swimming in her eyes broke loose. She tried to fight them, but ultimately lost the battle. Her shoulders shook beneath my hands as sobs wracked her body.

As she cried, I remembered the words I had spoken to Healer Edinfield.

I wasn't about to let her survive just to destroy her own soul.

I realized that maybe my job wasn't quite finished yet. Her soul could still very well be in danger.

AN: I'm a little nervous about reactions to this chapter, so I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time.

-mezy