{ 12 }
Ancient Runes is my least favorite class. Ironically, it was the only class that Hermione seemed interested in at all. She settled into her chair with a book written in runes and got lost.
I watched her for most of the class. When she got stuck, she would twirl a lock of hair around her finger and bite into her lower lip until she figured it out. When she did, her lip would quirk up in victory.
It was the cutest thing.
I studied that look. Memorized it. Held onto it for later. For when she inevitably realizes she is better off as far from me as possible.
When the bell rang, she kept reading. Translating. She ignored everyone as they walked past her to leave the classroom.
"Are you going to stay here the rest of the day?" I nudged her shoulder.
"Give me a minute." She kept her eyes on the book.
I waited two minutes.
"We need to go." We are getting closer and closer to being late for Defense.
"Go on. I'll catch up."
I hesitated. This seems like a test. Do I stay and be late for another class? Or go and leave her on her own.
It's Granger. She doesn't need your protection. And she told you to go.
She turned the page. And kept reading.
"Come on. You can't afford to be late either." I reached over and took the book from her hands.
"Hey! I'm reading that!" She turned to me with wide, angry eyes.
"And you can keep reading it. After Defense." I turned and walked out of the classroom. I could hear her grumbling behind me, but she caught up quickly.
"I don't like you very much, Draco Malfoy." She scowled and kept her arms crossed over her chest. Was she pouting right now?
My hand slid around her waist and tugged her against my side.
"Are you sure about that, Hermione Granger?" I muttered those words into her ear. I could actually feel the shiver work it's way down her back. Her steps faltered.
"Not at all." I barely heard her. I'm not sure I was supposed to hear her, the way she whispered under her breath. She sighed deeply and relaxed against me.
We kept walking at a fast pace, trying to get to class on time. Before I could open the door, she cleared her throat.
"I actually like you quite a bit." She did not look at me, choosing to stare at the door in front of us instead. Her cheeks tinged pink and she bit into her lip.
I could feel my heart racing. This beautiful, brilliant creature is admitting that she likes me.
You like her, too.
Tell her, you fool!
I lifted my hand and brushed against her cheek, tilting her face so I could look into her eyes.
"The feeling is mutual." The tension left her shoulders. Had she been worried I would reject her?
I leaned in for a quick kiss.
"Can't you two find a broom closet like normal people?" Potter's voice came from behind us.
"I think I'm going to be sick." That would be Weasley.
"At least move out of the way. No sense in all of us being late." Potter again.
Reluctantly, we separated. Neither one of us acknowledged the bumbling duo. I opened the door and we stepped inside the classroom. We barely made it a few steps in before the bell rang.
I could feel eyes on us as we moved across the room and settled into two chairs at an empty table halfway between the front and the back of the room. Only when we sat down did I realize my hand was still resting on the small of her back.
Potter and Weasley sat down on the other side of Hermione. Neither one made a big deal about her sitting next to me, or about her taking my hand as soon as we were settled in our seats. I'd call that definite progress.
The professor, an older witch named Amelia Bones, began her lesson without paying any attention at all to those of us that had barely made it in the class on time.
"Good afternoon, class!" She smiled as she looked over the students in the classroom. She gave the appearance of a sweet old lady, but she was a former auror and still worked with the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. She had been brought in to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts…and to keep an eye on those of us that were at Hogwarts rather than Azkaban. Myself, Theo, Blaise, Greg and Pansy.
"Today we will be learning about a very strong protective charm called a Patronus."
There were mixed reactions throughout the class. Personally, I'm indifferent to the topic. I know what a patronus is, but I have never attempted to cast one myself.
"I understand some of you have already learned this charm. You will each have the opportunity to demonstrate your aptitude. If you are able to present a corporeal patronus, you will be excused from class for the rest of today and Friday."
A murmur ran through the class. I glanced at Hermione. She had gone completely pale.
"Are you alright?" I leaned close and whispered in her ear.
She took a deep breath.
"Fine. I'm fine."
She didn't look fine. Or sound fine for that matter. In fact, she looked like she was on the brink of a panic attack.
"Those of you that would like to demonstrate, line up along the wall."
At least half of the class stood. Most of the Gryffindors. A few Ravenclaws. A Hufflepuff or two. No one from Slytherin.
And Hermione remained sitting next to me.
It didn't take long for everyone to notice, either. It seemed all eyes turned to her. She didn't seem to notice, but I did.
"What are you doing?" I leaned in and asked her.
She blinked, but did not turn to look at me. She kept her eyes on the board at the front of the room.
"Waiting for the lesson to start. What are you doing?" Her tone was flat. Chilling.
"Waiting for you to go show these wankers how it's done." Obviously.
She blinked again and took a measured breath. She finally turned to face me.
"I can't." Again, no emotion in her voice whatsoever.
My eyes searched hers. They were blank, as emotionless as her voice.
A cold chill made its way down my spine. I felt like I was talking to a completely different person.
Potter and Weasley collected their books from the desk next to her. They both stared at her for a moment. Then they left, happy to be out of class early and without asking Hermione why she wasn't leaving as well.
Should I press for more information? She has to know how to do it. How else would Potter and Weasley know?
She was facing forward again. I covered her hand with mine and threaded our fingers together. She hesitated a moment, then she squeezed my hand tightly. Very tight. In fact, my fingertips started to tingle before she relaxed her grip.
The line of show-offs was almost empty now. People were still staring at Hermione. I glared at each of them until they looked away. It's none of their business if she can produce a patronus or not.
As soon as the last student left the room, Professor Bones looked around to see who was left. Her eyes skimmed over the small group, pausing for a long moment on Hermione before moving on.
She reviewed the uses of the charm. Not only can it fight off dementors, you can also use it to send messages across long distances. She showed us the wand movement and the incantation.
"Very good!" I don't know what she was congratulating us on. No one at all produced even a wisp of smoke when we tried it.
"Now, for the final, and most important step. You must think of your happiest, most pure memory. The happier your memory is, the stronger your patronus will be. Alright? Close your eyes and picture a memory."
My heart sank. What kind of happy memory could I possibly think of?
Flying?
No. I like flying, but I use that time to clear my mind. Not happy memories.
"This is the hardest part of casting a patronus. Especially when you are around dementors, which feed off of your happiness and fill you with despair."
A cold shiver slid down my spine. Dementors were in and out of the Manor on a regular basis during the final months. I remember mocking Potter for fainting when there were dementors here at Hogwarts.
My stomach rolled uncomfortably.
You don't have any good memories for the dementors to feed off of.
"I will warn you, casting a patronus, especially the first time, is very difficult. Do not be discouraged if you do not get it on the first try. Or the second. Or the third."
Perfect.
Merlin and Salazar, Draco! Haven't you ever been happy?
I don't know. Have I? What is happiness, anyway?
"For the rest of the period, partner up and practice."
Everyone stood and found a partner before moving over to the side of the room that was free of desks for practicing. Everyone except for me. And Hermione. We didn't move.
"I used to be able to cast one. It was an otter." She rubbed her hands over her face and sighed. Finally, I could hear a small amount of emotion in her voice. Sadness. "I haven't been able to. Not since…"
She visibly shivered.
"You should try, though." She ran her hands through her hair. "I can help you with the technique."
I swallowed the lump in my throat. How do I tell her that I don't even know what happiness feels like?
"I can try." Bones had said it could take awhile. I can pretend like I have a happy memory, right? I picked through my brain for memories that I could consider as happy. I knew they wouldn't be good enough.
We moved to the corner of the room and put our backs to the rest of the room.
I closed my eyes and took a breath. A memory of waking up Christmas morning came to mind. I was young, five or six years old. There was a tree in the corner of my room. Underneath was a pile of brightly lit packages. I remember the excitement that I felt when I saw the long toy-broom shaped box sitting front and center.
I held on to that feeling. Remembered it. Examined it. Felt it all over again. Then I raised my arm.
"Expecto patronum!" I opened my eyes and saw a fine silver mist coming from the end of my wand.
"That's really good for a first try," Hermione looked pleased.
"Your turn." I scowled at her. That was not good at all. Although, I hadn't even expected a mist, so maybe it wasn't horrible.
"I know I cant." Her brow furrowed and she made a fist with one hand.
"You can at least try." I did, didn't I? And I knew I couldn't do it either.
She looked like she wanted to argue with me. Then she closed her eyes and concentrated. A moment later her eyes opened and she performed the charm flawlessly.
Nothing happened.
We both stared at the end of her wand for a long moment before she dropped her arm to the side slowly.
"See." She shrugged her shoulder. "It doesn't work anymore."
I watched her for a second. She was acting like it doesn't bother her. That damn mask again. I searched her eyes, looking for a crack in the facade.
"Your turn." She crossed her arms over her chest and popped her hip to one side. Her eyebrow rose and she waited.
Alright then. The walls are sturdy as hell right now. I turned away, closed my eyes and concentrated.
This time I thought about the first time I caught the golden snitch to win a quidditch match for Slytherin. The feel of the small metal ball in my hand. The sound of the cheers from the Slytherin stands and my teammates. The pride and accomplishment welling up in my chest.
I isolated that feeling. Relished in it.
" Expecto patronum!" A silver strand erupted from the end of my wand. It didn't form into an animal. It just kind of pooled into a coil before vanishing from sight.
"Draco! That's fantastic!"
Was it?
She was smiling at me. It didn't quite reach her eyes, but it was enough to warm my heart. My lips tilted up in a smirk.
"Did you use the same memory?" She chewed on her lip and furrowed her brow. I could see the wheels in her head turning. Contemplating. Puzzling.
"No. A different memory."
She nodded to herself. Then she rolled her head around her neck, closed her eyes and concentrated.
Her body relaxed. Her eyes opened and she cast the charm for a second time.
I watched…waited…anticipating that her otter patronus would jump to life any moment.
Nothing. At all. Not even a wisp.
She stared at the empty space even after her wand had dropped back down to her side. After several long heartbeats, she cleared her throat.
"Right then." She shook her head and stepped back, motioning for me to try again.
I kept my eyes on her. Even I can produce a hint of something, and I don't have a memory I would classify as 'happy'.
Why can't she?
"What?" She narrowed her eyes and glared at me.
For the first time, I let my gaze drift to the others in the classroom. Most were getting a mist or a weak stream of light. One Ravenclaw girl had a silver cat that glistened into existence and disappeared just as quickly.
"It doesn't make sense." I turned my attention back to her. I tilted my head to one side, narrowed my eyes and studied her.
She shifted uncomfortably before pushing her hair back and averting her eyes.
"It's not a big deal. Stop looking at me like that." Her eyes met mine again. Finally, there was a crack in her armor. Her eyes glistened. She blinked them quickly and the shutters closed again.
Those blank eyes give me cold chills. I don't like it. I like the warm smiles and laughter that warms my heart. Like when we were sitting together on the couch in the third floor living quarters. When I told her my aunt had offered me a place to stay.
"Because of me?" She asked.
"No. Because of me."
Her eyes lit up. Her mouth lifted into a full smile. Radiant. Beautiful.
Heat filled my heart and spread out through my veins until my fingers and toes tingled.
I raised my wand.
"Expecto patronum!" My third attempt.
Silver light erupted from the end of my wand. It coiled on the ground, shifted, formed into a King Cobra that stood nearly as tall as me. It's forked tongue flicked out as it stared at me.
"That figures." Hermione snorted with laughter. "Of course your patronus is a snake."
When I glanced at her, she was grinning at me. That same beautiful smile. My heart filled with that same warmth.
Is that it, then? Is this what happiness feels like?
"Well done, Mr. Malfoy." Professor Bones noted as she joined us in the corner. Her head tilted to the side as she examined the cobra. "Did you know that a serpent patronus is extraordinarily rare?"
No. I did not know that at all.
My eyes flicked to Hermione. She was studying the silver snake now as well.
"It's incredibly detailed, isn't it?" She spoke more to herself than to either myself or Bones.
"That it is, Miss Granger."
I moved my wand in a circular motion. The cobra uncoiled, stretching out several meters before slithering around Hermione's legs. Tentatively, she held her hand out and tried to touch it. Her hand slid right through, slicing through the silver mist. When she pulled her hand back, it appeared whole once again.
It coiled around her. If it had been a real snake, the sight would be terrifying. As it was, it seemed to be hugging her. It's head settled on her shoulder. It's body wrapped around her waist. It's tail wrapped around her leg to the floor.
Her wide eyes met mine. She was smiling. Her shoulders relaxed.
"A patronus brings light and hope in times of despair. It's why they can fend off dementors. They can also bring us comfort and peace in times of need." Professor Bones leaned back against an empty desk and appraised Hermione and myself. Her lip twitched up on one side. "Albus used to say, happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light. Perhaps he was referring to the healing power of the patronus?"
She gave us each a small smile before turning and leaving us alone in the corner again.
"Seriously, Draco. This is amazing."
"Thanks." I swirled my wand again and the snake slid off of her, and coiled up on the floor. Then it melted away to nothingness. "Do you want to try again?"
She chewed on her lip for a few seconds. Then she shook her head.
"No." She sighed. "There's no point. I told you, I'm broken. Damaged. I always will be."
She blinked her eyes quickly.
My hand slipped in to hers. I didn't even think about anyone else in that classroom. I simply pulled her against me.
"Fuck." She took a deep, gasping breath against my chest. "I cannot break down in here. Not in front of them."
Her hand squeezed mine as she took several deep breaths. My lips brushed across her forehead. When her hand finally relaxed, I looked into her blank eyes once again. The walls were back in place. The mask was there, hiding her internal torment.
A sudden realization stabbed through me.
She can't remember what that warmth feels like.
Merlin and Salazar.
How deep is the well of sorrow that she is hiding beneath those walls of hers?
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the fresh scent of the quidditch pitch. Our first practice of the season. My last first practice ever.
Theo and I are the only eighth years that decided to give it one more go. The rest of the team consists of underclassmen. Half of which had never played before. Not for Slytherin anyway.
"Alright. First order of business." I cleared my throat and glared at the two chasers that were spending more time flirting with each other than paying attention. "Theo and I need to see what we're working with here. Ten timed laps around the pitch. Ready?...Go!"
Theo started the timer as the rest of the team fumbled to kick off the ground and speed away.
"We are so screwed." Theo smacked his hand over his face as Eloise and Wesley nearly collided mid air.
"Fucking Salazar! Have they never flown laps before?" Screwed might be an understatement. We have our work cut out for us if we don't want to be considered the worst Slytherin Quidditch team ever. Maybe I should have stayed on the sidelines after all.
For the next two hours we ran drills. Theo and I took turns leading them while the other watched and made notes on who needed to work on each technique. By the end of practice, I was exhausted. We all were.
I sent the team in to shower while I put away the equipment. I took my time and even ran a few extra drills on my own to give them time to finish. Only when the last person left the locker room did I go in.
I locked and warded the doors to the shower room before stepping under the hot spray and washing away the sweat and grime from the day.
I dried off and got dressed before releasing the wards and stepping into the empty locker room. The room was dimly lit and quiet. For the first time all day, I had a chance to just think.
I sat down on the bench and slid my wand from one hand to the other. I let my mind drift through the events of the day.
Taking a nap with Hermione on the third floor. Meeting with my aunt. Casting a patronus.
My lip quirked up on one side. I can't believe I was able to do that.
I concentrated on that warm feeling again and cast the charm. The silver cobra sprang to life. It coiled on the ground in front of me and waited.
I tested it by twisting my wrist. It slithered around the room and returned to my feet.
"Take a message to Hermione. Make sure she's alone. Tell her 'good night, beautiful'."
It nodded it's head, then it turned and slithered straight through the door. I watched it disappear with a trail of light that faded to mist before evaporating completely.
I followed behind a few moments later.
The sun had set whilst I was in the locker room and exhaustion was starting to set in. My bed was calling my name as I descended into the dungeons.
"Draco Malfoy." Tracey's voice stopped me in the corridor outside of the common room entrance. I shivered, but I would not let her get to me again. Not like the last time.
"Tracey."
Shouldn't you be on your knees in a broom closet right about now?
I thought it. I didn't say it.
The old me would have said it. The version of me that wanted to hurt as many people as possible just because I could.
"Did you need something?" I asked instead. Because I'm trying to be a better person and shit.
"Have you told your Mother about your new girlfriend?" She tossed her hair over her shoulder and smirked at me.
A threat that would have terrified me at one point in time. Not anymore, though. My parents no longer hold any sway over me.
"I have not talked to my Mother in months." I shrugged my shoulder and let my lip curl up in a sneer. "If you are going to threaten me, you'll have to do better than that."
She took a step closer. Her eyebrow rose and she cocked her head to one side.
"Do you imagine that she won't care that her only son, the sole heir to the Malfoy family pure bloodline is snogging a mudblood in the hallways between classes?" She shook her head slowly. "Come on, Draco. You know better than that."
She thinks she holds all the cards here. A true Slytherin. Except, she doesn't know that her threats really are hollow.
I can play this a few different ways.
Find out what she wants from you.
"What will it take for you to keep quiet?"
Her lip tilted up in a celebratory smirk.
"I knew it. I want in."
What? What is that supposed to mean?
I crossed my arms over my chest and I waited.
"Whatever scam you're running on Granger. I want in. I want to see the look on her face when you break her little mudblood heart."
My lip curled up in disgust. What kind of person would want to be involved in a plot to break someone's heart?
"Merlin but you are pathetic."
Her face fell. Her eyes narrowed. I wasn't finished, though. I took a step closer and glared at her.
"Go ahead and tell my parents. I honestly don't give a fuck." I spoke slowly, making damn sure she understood.
Because it was the truth. If she didn't tell them, someone else would sooner or later. It was inevitable.
"You cannot be serious." Her eyes flicked across my face and her lip curled up.
"Think about it, you stupid bint. Everyone here knows. We haven't exactly been discrete. Chances are, my parents already know." I saw the exact moment when she understood. The light flickered on.
"People like you, people like my parents, they destroy everything they touch for a little bit of personal gain. I've seen first hand what that kind of greed looks like. What it does to you. I don't want any part of it."
For the first time, she stepped away from me.
"You're a blood traitor." She spat the words like an insult, trying to wound me whilst she looked down her nose.
My lip quirked up in a smirk.
"You bet your arse I am." I stepped into her personal space, forcing her to take another step away from me. "And you are nothing but a pureblood slag."
Her eyes flashed in indignation. I thought she would come back at me. Instead, she put her nose in the air and stomped off down the hallway.
Good riddance.
In the common room, I joined Theo and Blaise at the chessboard.
"Your girlfriend just hit on me again." I sat down heavily, sinking into the chair, and let my head fall back.
"I don't have a girlfriend anymore, mate. She's someone else's problem now." Blaise chuckled. Obviously not heartbroken over the break up then.
"I might have finally convinced her that she doesn't want anything to do with me." I shrugged my shoulder and laughed to myself.
"Did you tell her the Malfoy vaults are empty?" Theo leaned forward in his seat with a grin on his face.
"I didn't have to." I leaned forward as well, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. "It doesn't matter what's in the Malfoy vaults if I don't have access to them."
My friends glanced at each other.
"She threatened to tell my parents about Hermione." I shrugged my shoulder again and smirked to myself. "I told her to go ahead. They probably already know anyway."
Theo and Blaise continued staring at each other. A silent conversation between the two of them that was anything but subtle.
"Are you sure about this, Draco?" Theo was the one that finally asked the question. "I mean, really sure? Disinheritance is permanent, you know?"
"Don't worry." I rolled my eyes at both of them. "I have a contingency plan."
"Let me guess, Granger is wealthy in her own right?" Blaise asked.
Come to think of it, I don't even know what her financial status is. She could be dirt poor for all I know.
"No idea. Just trust me on this one." I could have told them that I'm the Head of the House Black. I'd rather keep that under my hat for now.
"Draco!" Hermione called my name with laughter in her voice. Pleasantly surprised to see me. Her eyes were warm and inviting. No mask. No brick wall hiding her emotions. They were on full display and could only be described as happy.
Her smile was infectious. I couldn't help but smile back. Her hair hung in soft brown waves past her shoulders. The black and red color was long gone.
This was her. No hiding.
She was wearing a blue dress with white flowers embroidered around the hemline. Her skin was sun-kissed and glowing. The phoenix on her arm stood out in bright colors in the sunlight.
She threw her arms around my neck and pulled me into a kiss. The taste of chocolate and the smell of strawberries was intoxicating as always.
I'll never get enough of her. I know that now.
I lifted her easily and spun around in a circle.
When we separated, I pulled my wand and cast the patronus charm. The silver serpent sprang to life and circled us.
Hermione smirked at me. Then she pulled her wand and cast the same charm. Silver strings shot from the end.
I kept my eyes on her. The pure smile on her face radiated joy and happiness and everything good in my entire world.
A shadow figure approached from behind me. A sneer that I would forever know as my father's followed.
"I should have known you would be the one to destroy the Malfoy legacy, boy. You always were useless."
I did not turn around to face him. My eyes stayed on Hermione. Her smile. Her hazel eyes. Her kissable lips.
"He says that like it's a bad thing." She grinned up at me.
I leaned in to kiss her again. Slowly, my lips moved against hers while my arms wrapped around her and held her body flush against mine. When we parted, I pressed my forehead against hers.
"I would say it's one of my biggest accomplishments."
"That is not even in your top ten accomplishments." She buried her head against my chest and sighed in contentment.
I took a deep breath. Closed my eyes. Savored the moment.
Hermione's voice whispered in the darkness, surrounding me, permeating my consciousness.
"You are going to do great things, Draco Malfoy."
My eyes snapped open. My hands searched the bed to no avail.
I can still smell strawberries. I can still taste chocolate. I can still hear her voice as though she were right there beside me.
She is not beside me, though.
She never was.
My heart pounded in my chest. I took several deep breaths before I sat up on the edge of the bed.
Dawn was coming soon. A new day. A new chance.
"You are going to do great things, Draco Malfoy."
An involuntary shiver made its way down my back.
Great things? Me?
I highly doubt that. Besides, I don't want to do great things. All I want to do is make up for the terrible things I've done in the past. Atone.
Hermione says you have already atoned.
Is that really true, though?
I slowly made my way to the bathroom in the dark. I splashed cool water on my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror.
My face is not as gaunt as it was even a month ago when we returned to Hogwarts. My skin is not as pale. Even my hair had darkened from the white blond of my youth to a darker blond.
I pictured the version of Granger from my dream. Eyes sparkling. Smiling. Happy. It's like she is a completely different person.
She is a different person, you idiot. That was a dream. She does not exist.
No. She doesn't.
But could she? Is she still in there somewhere, hidden by the darkness that has consumed her, that is hiding behind her mask and her walls?
There is only one way you'll ever find out.
Right. One way.
Tear down the walls.
AN: Hello again! It's been a few weeks since my last update. Covid made its rounds at my house - knocked me on my ass for almost 3 weeks. All good now, though!
Anywho… so Draco can cast a patronus, but Hermione cannot. What's up with that? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Until next time.
-mezy