AN: * TRIGGER WARNING *
READ WITH CAUTION: GRAPHIC DETAILS OF DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS
{ 13 }
The Great Hall was practically empty. That's what happens when you wake up before dawn and decide to get up and moving, rather than trying to go back to sleep. Surprisingly, though, one of the sparse occupants was Hermione.
She was alone at the Gryffindor table. Her hair was hanging over her face, hiding her from view. Her head was propped up on one hand and she was pushing some eggs around on her plate with the other.
I glanced around the room. There were two Hufflepuff girls sitting side by side with their backs to the room, and there was one Ravenclaw boy with his nose in a book.
I hesitated for a moment. My legs were carrying me in her direction before I made the decision to go talk to her. I approached her slowly and made sure to make enough noise that she heard me coming.
She glanced up as I got closer. It took her a second to recognize me. She started to look away, then snapped her eyes back over to me.
"Malfoy. Are you lost?" Her lip tried to quirk up on the edges, but ultimately fell flat. There were dark circles under her eyes.
"Granger. You're looking radiant this morning." Obviously a lie. She looked like she hadn't slept in days.
"Oh, fuck off." She rolled her eyes and went back to pushing the food around her plate.
I chuckled at her choice of words as I sat down on the bench next to her.
"Are you planning on eating any of that?" A plate appeared in front of me on the table. I filled it with sausage, eggs and toast.
"Not really." She pushed the plate away and it vanished. "What are you doing?"
I paused with my fork halfway way to my mouth.
"Eating breakfast." Of course. What the hell did it look like I was doing? "It's the most important meal of the day."
That's what my mother had always told me, so it's probably shite, but it sounded good anyway. Besides, I know what she meant. I am not merely eating breakfast. I am sitting at the Gryffindor table, with her, eating breakfast. It's going to make great fodder for the gossip mongers.
She huffed out a laugh and shook her head.
"Not what I meant, but okay." Even her voice sounded tired.
"Did you get any sleep last night?" Was it just yesterday she asked me the same thing? Or was that the day before?
She blinked a few times.
"Not really." She admitted.
I finished eating quickly and stood, holding my hand out for her.
"Come on." I waited.
"Where are we going?" She looked confused, but still took my hand and stood beside me.
It was still much too early for most students to be moving around the castle, especially in the corridors housing classrooms. We did not encounter anyone as we strode past empty room after empty room, until finally I found what I had been looking for. The trophy room.
Hermione's tired eyes looked at me like I was crazy. My mouth tilted up on one side as I watched her. Even dead on her feet, she was beautiful. Absolutely.
I moved to the back of the room. On the third shelf, in the back, there was a trophy labeled " Best Hidden Room in Hogwarts".
I picked up the trophy and tapped it on the wall four times. The wall shifted backwards and slid open, revealing a small lounge area.
"What the…how did I not know about this room?" Hermione stepped through the doorway into the hidden room.
"Blaise and I found it during detention in fourth year." I followed her inside and the door slid shut behind me. The room had four large armchairs set in a circle around a small table.
Her eyes took in the circular room, lit by artificial sunlight that appeared to stream through a weathered glass ceiling. With the door closed, we were well and truly secluded from the rest of the castle. No one, or at least very, very few people even knew this room existed.
To be overly cautious, though, I placed wards on the door anyway. I had promised her we would always ward the doors if we were sleeping.
I took her hand. She squeezed my fingers…harder than I would have expected. My eyes snapped to hers when she took a deep, gasping breath.
Oh, fuck!
She buried her head in my chest. Her fingers gripped my shirt. Her chest tightened. Her whole body tensed.
"I can't do this, Draco." Her voice was strained. "Not today. Not anymore. I can't. I'm done."
Her breaths came in short bursts.
I was not expecting that. At all. I was expecting her to sit in a chair and fall asleep. I froze, not sure what to do next.
"What can't you do?" I had to ask.
"Just…I can't live. It's too hard, Draco." She gasped, pulling in another deep, ragged breath.
My heart stopped for a moment. I know what she is saying. Merlin, I've been there before.
I wrapped my arms around her, pulled her against my chest.
"It is hard." I couldn't disagree.
She took another breath. Still trying to stop it. Still trying to control it.
"I just…I want it to stop." Her voice was a rough whisper. "I want to make the pain stop."
Fuck.
What in the fuck am I supposed to say to that? What am I supposed to do? What if I say the wrong damn thing and push her over the edge of the precipice she is standing on?
I lifted her head off of my chest and searched her eyes. The pain and sorrow swimming around in those hazel depths took my breath away. And yet, she was still holding it back. Still trying to mask her feelings.
"Listen to me, Hermione Granger. Life is hard. It sucks sometimes." I pushed her hair back behind her ears and cradled her face in my hands. "But you are not a quitter."
She blinked twice, then squeezed her eyes shut. She stepped back away from me and crossed her arms over her chest, curling in on herself. Physically holding herself together.
"I didn't quit," she breathed. "I failed."
I watched her for a long moment. I have no idea what I'm doing. I want to know what she's thinking, though, and the only way to find out is going to be to drag it out of her.
"What did you fail?"
She shook her head quickly, stumbled backwards and sat heavily in one of the chairs. She propped her elbows on her knees and held her head in her hands, gripping her hair tightly.
"I can't," she whispered harshly.
"You can."
She needs to.
"No, Draco! I can't! " The pain in her voice was palpable. My chest ached just hearing it.
I sat on the table in front of her. I didn't touch her, but my knees were on either side of hers.
"Yes, you can! You do not have to hide what you are feeling."
Her whole body shuddered.
"It has nothing to do with hiding!" Her voice rose, echoing through the room. "I have to protect myself. I have to keep the floodgates closed or I will fucking drown!"
She pushed past me and moved quickly to the other side of the room, as far away as she could go. Then she turned around, wrapped her arms around herself and stared at me. Her eyes begged me to understand. I don't, though. If I didn't know better, I would say that she's scared.
Tear down the walls.
Right. This seems like as good a time as any.
I swallowed hard around the lump in my throat. There is only one way to do it. Pure brute force.
I took a deep breath. Then I turned and walked to the opposite side of the room. Mirroring her position, I crossed my arms over my chest, leaned against the wall and stared across the room at her.
She may well hate me after this.
"You know as well as I do that's a load of dragon dung." I tilted my head to the side and let a familiar sneer pull at my lips.
Her eyes widened and a small gasp slipped through her lips.
"How long do you think you can keep doing this? You are not protecting yourself." My voice rose louder. For the love of all that is holy, can't she see that she is killing herself slowly from the inside out?
Anger coursed through me when she squeezed her eyes shut and dropped her chin to her chest.
"Dammit, Hermione! After everything we've been through, do you really think I would let you drown?"
Tears slid down her cheeks. She let them fall. Her eyes darted back and forth between mine. I could practically hear her arguing with herself over whether or not to give in.
"You don't understand." She shook her head quickly. She balled her hands into fists and pressed them against her temples.
"Then explain it to me!" My voice echoed around the room. "What in the fuck did you fail?"
"Are you kidding me?" Her voice was nearly as loud as mine. "I fuck up everything!"
Magic crackled in the air around her but I barely noticed it. She pulled her hair back with both hands as I took several steps across the room towards her.
"Like what? Specifically."
She threw her head back and took a shuddering breath. When she looked at me again, fire was in her eyes.
"You really want to know, Draco? You want to know how big of a fuck up I am?" She pushed off the wall and stalked across the room until she was facing me, inches away. Her eyes flashed in anger. "My parents don't even know they have a daughter. It's okay, though, because they have a brand new baby boy that will never know he has a sister."
The wall around her emotions cracked. Tears rolled down her face. She curled her hands into fists and crossed them over her chest.
"Harry told me I should not have come back to Hogwarts, that I should have just stayed with my family. My family, Draco! I dont even have a fucking family anymore. I don't have anyone! All of my friends hate me because I left after the final battle. They say I deserted them. They don't know that I can't even stand to look at them! And it's so wrong and I know it's wrong, but I would have given anything to protect them!" Tears streamed faster and she gasped for breath. A chunk of the wall broke off, crumbling to dust. "No one was there for me. I had to protect myself and I couldn't! I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't good enough."
My heart cracked wide open as the walls she used to hold back her anguish crumbled before my eyes. Her hands rose to my chest and gripped my shirt in an effort to hold herself up. The sob that wrenched from her throat was raw, pure agony.
"Fuck." I muttered out loud.
Her pain was palpable. She collapsed against my chest, sobbing.
"They don't even know and I can't tell them." I could barely understand her through her sobs. Ice filtered through my veins at her words.
I haven't told anyone either. Except for her. I never plan to, either.
I wrapped my arms around her and held her close as she fell apart in my arms.
I don't know how long we stayed like that. After awhile, I sat in the closest chair and pulled her down so she was curled up beside me, half on my lap.
The tears kept coming. The screaming sobs never stopped. The endless questions in her mind about what she did or didn't do. What she should have done. What she could have done.
The black pit of despair consumed her, pulled her under. All I could do was hold on. And hope that my voice, that my arms around her, would anchor her to reality the same way she had anchored me during my panic attack.
"I'm here with you, Hermione. You are safe."
She never responded to me, but I kept talking anyway.
"The darkness does not control you. You control the darkness. You can't change the past. You can only move forward."
I repeated those words over and over again. I don't know how many times. I don't know how long we had been in that room.
What if she was right? What if she gets lost in that darkness and never resurfaces?
I tried to push away that thought. She would come out of this. She had to.
You have been there before.
I closed my eyes and held her a little tighter. I have been there before, swimming in the darkness that likes to creep in. It points out all of the bad things you have ever done. All of the people you have let down. All of the wrongs that can never be righted.
And it drags you under.
It convinces you that you can't go on. That you should not go on. That the battle to exist is not worth it. It tells you to give up, to surrender, only then will the pain go away. The pain of regret. The pain of loss. The pain of sorrow and grief and helplessness.
It tells you how to make it stop. It tells you no one cares. No one understands. You are alone.
I took a shaky breath of my own.
Yes, I've met the darkness before.
When she finally drew in a sharp, ragged breath that wasn't immediately followed by a gut wrenching sob, I froze for several heartbeats.
She took another breath.
I resumed rubbing her back in small circles.
"It's okay. You are okay. The darkness does not control you. You are not alone. You have so many people that care about you. People that want to help you, but don't know how."
I continued. Holding her. Comforting her. Reassuring her as her breaths became more even. As the sobs quieted. As the grip she had on my shirt loosened.
Slowly, very slowly, she relaxed into me. Her breaths evened out. I thought she had fallen asleep when she drew in a deep breath and blew it out slowly.
"Draco?" Her voice was rough. Raw, even. She lifted her head. Her tired eyes searched mine for a moment. "I never thought I would survive the war. I kept going, kept fighting, knowing that it would be over soon. But I'm still here and I can't keep fighting anymore. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now."
Fresh tears streamed from her eyes.
My heart broke at her whispered confession. I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against her forehead.
I am not equipped for this. I barely keep myself fighting most days.
"You didn't believe me, did you?" She asked quietly, sadly against my chest. "When I told you that I'm broken."
"You aren't broken." I rubbed her back and held her a little tighter. "You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for."
She shook her head in disagreement. It was true, though. She never would have survived otherwise, damaged or not.
"Everyone thinks that. Because I'm Hermione Granger." She scoffed. "Like that means a damn thing. I'm nothing special."
My eyebrows furrowed. I lifted my hand and gently tilted her chin so I could look in her eyes.
"You are special." She has to know that. She is special. Unique. Perfect, even with her imperfections.
She didn't believe me. She rolled her eyes and sighed before leaning against my chest once again.
I ran my fingers through her hair, watching the red and black strands dance together. Over and over again. It was comforting. Mesmerizing. Beautiful.
Just like Hermione herself.
Long minutes passed. I thought she had fallen asleep when she cleared her throat.
"All of that stuff you were saying about the darkness."
My whole body froze, locked in place. I knew what she was going to ask before she said, "how did you know?"
I looked away, uncomfortable with the change in topic. I want to help her. Not bring to light my own issues. She knows enough about them already.
I stared across the room, focusing on nothing.
"Personal experience." She doesn't need details. Like I said, she knows enough of those already.
Her hand skimmed across my shoulder, back and forth in a soothing motion.
"You said it lies. The darkness lies." She pushed her hair back and tilted her head so she could stare up at me. "How do you know it isn't the truth?"
Her voice was still raspy from the crying, and she sounded tired. Defeated.
I swallowed the lump in my throat. She should talk to someone that knows what they are doing, instead of me.
How do I know? I believed it for a long time. For too long. Until it was nearly too late.
Until it was too late. If it hadn't been for Blaise, I wouldn't even be sitting here right now.
A cold shiver made its way down my spine.
"Because the darkness sounds a lot like my father. Therefore, it has to be full of shite."
Her lip twitched. She huffed a short laugh.
"I think…" She bit her lip. Fidgeted with her fingers for a moment. "I never considered it before. Not until last night. But…I think you must be right."
She took a long, shaking breath. Then she leaned back against the arm of the chair and wiped at her eyes with both hands. Her head fell back and she stared up at the ceiling.
"All this time, I've been listening to these stupid voices in my head and I never once thought it was anything other than the truth."
My jaw ticked. What kind of vitriol has she been blindly accepting? For how long?
Merlin and Salazar.
No wonder she's tired of it all.
"Why last night?" I watched her carefully. She tensed when I asked the question. Something had happened. Something that shook her enough to question the voices in her mind. "What happened?"
She turned and buried her face against my chest again. I didn't think she would answer, but after several deep breaths she finally did.
"A messenger came from the abyss. It was like someone turned on the light and chased the darkness away. And I opened my eyes for the first time in forever. And I realized that I was standing on the edge, ready to jump, ready to take one final step into oblivion."
Her voice was rough, but distant. Numb. She squeezed her eyes shut and gripped the front of my shirt, right over my heart.
Ice water ran through my veins. I choked on the words, but had to ask.
"Metaphorically?" I swallowed the sudden dryness in my mouth.
I closed my eyes, afraid of the answer. In my mind, I could clearly see a razor blade in my hand and blood dripping off my wrist. The look on Blaise's face as he frantically healed the self-inflicted wounds.
"Quite literally." She whispered against my chest. I'm sure she heard the moment when my heart stopped beating.
Silence filled the room. Not a single sound. Not a movement. Not even a breath from either one of us.
The image in my mind was replaced by one of her standing on a ledge, staring into nothing over the edge. Then falling into the chasm, disappearing forever.
"Where?" I finally asked.
She shook her head and took a deep, gasping breath.
"The Astronomy Tower."
Of fucking course. Where the fuck else would it have been?
It took me a long moment to realize that she was shaking. Or maybe that was me.
"I have lived through some terrifying shit, but that moment, when I finally came to my senses and realized what I was about to do…" She pushed away from me and curled into as tight a ball as she could manage between myself and the arm of the chair. "Oh Gods, Draco. I have never been so scared before in my entire life."
Her words were a harsh whisper before she covered her head with both arms.
"I backed away as far as I could. When my back hit the wall, I sat and stared at that spot all night. I never moved. I just sat there until the sun came up."
She was definitely shaking. I took deep, measured breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. Anxiety clawed at my chest. I tamped it down, ignored it as best I could. She needs me right now. I can deal with how close I came to losing her forever later.
"There is something so fucking wrong with me." She whispered against my chest.
I closed my eyes. This is too much for me. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. She needs help that I can't give her.
I shifted in my seat, pulling back a little so I could look directly at her. She blinked her eyes quickly. I pushed her hair back and cupped her face in my hands.
"You don't have to fight the darkness alone." I searched her eyes. No walls. No mask.
"I don't want to fight it at all. I want to be rid of it. How do I get rid of it?"
Like I have the answer to that question? I still live with it every day. Each day gets a little easier, though. It's a process. It's an effort.
"That's a question for the mind healer. That's his job. To help you fight the darkness within." Her eyes searched mine. Her hands curled into fists around my shirt.
"You trust him?"
Yes, I suppose I do. I can tell a difference in myself since I started seeing him. A difference I might not have seen otherwise.
"Ask for help, Hermione. Accept the help that's offered. That's how you get rid of it "
I hope.
She blinked several times, then wiped both sides of her face with her hands. The tears had dried up. Her eyes were rimmed with red, raw. Her face was flushed and yet somehow pale at the same time. She looked like hell.
Maybe not the worst I have ever seen her, but damn close.
"You could have left me sitting at the table alone this morning. You could have left me here and gone to classes, but you didn't. You stayed with me."
Is she serious right now? My brow furrowed in confusion.
"Of course." There is no way I would have left her like that.
She slid her hands over mine and gripped my wrists, pulling gently until my forehead pressed against hers.
"You took care of me. That's further proof that it lies." Her eyes searched mine. "Are you an angel?"
The idea of me being an angel was laughable. My lip tilted up on the corner.
"No. But you have become very important to me." That sounded monumental, but it doesn't even cover it. She is not just important.
She is everything.
She didn't answer, but she nodded once. I pulled her closer. My lips brushed against hers softly. I could taste the salt from her tears as I pressed against her a second time. She kissed me in return. Slow. Gentle.
With a sigh, she pulled away and leaned her head against my chest again. The tension in her shoulders seemed to drain away as she relaxed into me.
"You know we need to leave this room eventually, right?" I took a deep breath. I don't want to think about the amount of trouble I could get into for missing classes all morning.
"Probably." She sounded exhausted. "Did Edinfield help you? Fight the darkness?"
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. That was an excellent question. And not an easy one to answer.
"Yes. And no."
Brilliant. That will convince her to go, I'm sure.
"I suppose that means I should apologize for telling him to go fuck himself during our first session." She sighed dramatically.
"Wait. You did what?"
She shrugged her shoulders. Then she shifted away from me, rolled off the chair and stood up slowly.
"Oh, Gods. I feel like I was run over by a stampede of centaurs." She rubbed her fingers against her temples before pulling her hair back with both hands. "I need a cigarette. And a shower. And like, a liter of coffee."
She moved around the room and picked her bag up off the floor where it had fallen when we first came in. How long ago had that been? It had to be hours ago now.
I watched her. The storm seemed to have passed for now. I took a breath. My hands were shaking. I clasped them together in front of me.
"Are you okay?" It was a stupid question, but I had to ask it anyway.
She stopped poking around in her bag and her eyes met mine. She chewed on her bottom lip for a few seconds, then shook her head.
"Not even a little bit," she said. "But I'm going to go grovel to Edinfield and find out what I need to do to get there."
She abandoned her bag and came back to me, sitting on the edge of the table directly in front of me.
"Draco, you should know…you saved my life." She gripped my wrists tightly, her eyes searching mine.
I didn't do anything except force her to face her inner fears. I shook my head and opened my mouth to argue. She placed her fingers across my lips.
"You did. I'm sure that was not your intention and it was likely just a very lucky coincidence." She swallowed hard, blinked her eyes several times, and licked her lips. "If you hadn't sent that patronus when you did, I don't think I would still be here today."
My heart stopped. My eyes widened in understanding.
"Fuck me." I muttered under my breath, though I'm sure she heard me.
Merlin and Salazar. What would have happened if I hadn't sent that patronus last night? I was only playing around. Practicing. I wasn't even sure if I had done it right.
My stomach rolled. What if next time…
I rubbed absently at the tightness in my chest. Willing myself to start breathing again.
"Look at me." She cupped her hands around my face and searched my eyes until I focused back on her hazel depths. "Are you okay?"
I swallowed hard.
"Not even a little bit." I admitted, using the same words she had used only moments earlier. "I want you in my life, Hermione."
Her lip tilted up on one side.
I released a deep breath.
Neither one of us said anything for a long moment. Somewhere in the silence, I found comfort and strength. Her eyes were tired and red and puffy from crying, but they were clear and open. No walls. No mask.
"So, Edinfield's office, then?" I didn't wait for her to answer. I stood and pulled her up with me. As soon as we were both standing, I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her tightly against my chest.
Her arms curled around my waist. Her hands clutched the back of my shirt. We held each other for a long moment before stepping back.
"Your shirt is a mess." She wiped at her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. She still looked like she had been through hell. One look down at my chest, though, and I knew she was right. Between the makeup stains, the tears and the wrinkles, I would be better off to just toss this one in the rubbish.
"Good thing I own more than one." I smirked at her. She almost smiled in return.
I'll take it. That was the closest I'd seen all morning.
The corridors were empty as we made our way through the castle to the fourth floor. We stopped in front of the mind healer's door.
Hermione squeezed my hand. She took a deep breath. I could practically see her building up the courage to knock on that door.
"Right then." She whispered to herself. Her hand raised and rapped against the door three times.
We waited almost a full minute before the door opened. Healer Edinfield had obviously not been expecting anyone. He was wearing casual clothes, denim pants and a cream colored long sleeve pullover. His eyes widened when he saw us standing there outside his door.
"Mr. Malfoy. Miss Granger." He scanned over us, taking in our appearance. Which honestly left a lot to be desired on both of our parts.
My shirt was still wrinkled and covered in tear stains and mascara. Hermione's face was red and puffy from crying so much. Her hair was a tangled up, limp mess pushed behind her ears. Her uniform was as wrinkled as mine.
"Please, come in." He opened the door and stepped aside so we could walk past him.
He set a second chair in front of his desk before taking his seat behind the desk.
"Which one of you would like to tell me why you are here?"
I looked over at Hermione. She looked right back at me. I'm just here for moral support. And hopefully an excuse for missing three classes already today. Theo's right. I really need to start going to classes.
"The Demon almost won last night." She closed her eyes and curled in on herself. "Maybe…maybe it's been winning all along."
Edinfield's eyes flicked to me, then back to her.
"The Demon?" He opened a folder on his desk and started writing.
"Draco called it the Darkness. It's like these voices in my head that just won't shut up. My voice. His voice. My parents' voices. My friends. My enemies. All of them. Non-stop. All. The. Time." She wiped at her eyes. I cannot imagine that she still has tears left to cry after that morning, but it seems she does.
"I see. And what do these voices tell you?"
She stared up at the ceiling, blinking her eyes and visibly willing herself to stop crying. I wasn't sure she would even answer.
"Would you feel more comfortable discussing this if Mr. Malfoy returned to class?"
Would she? I waited, holding my breath until she snorted inelegantly.
"Not likely." She scrubbed her hands over her face. "No offense, Healer Edinfield, but I would prefer not to be alone with you."
That does not surprise me. It did, however, surprise him. His eyes darted back and forth from her to me and back.
"Very well." He conceded, but I could tell he was not happy with the decision.
"Are you sure?" I asked quietly.
"Yeah. It's fine." My eyes met hers for a moment. She was uncomfortable, but not because of me being there. That now familiar warmth spread through my heart as I realized that she trusts me to be there with her. To comfort her, and maybe to protect her.
"You stated that this Demon almost won last night. Can you explain what you meant by that?"
She blinked several times and tilted her head to the side.
Edinfield stared at her and waited for her to expand.
"I only know one way to silence it forever. One way to stop the pain." She stared down at her hands, too ashamed to look either of us in the eye.
The blood ran cold in my veins.
Death.
She stood and paced to the window. She stared outside for a long time before she closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"After Defense, I went to the Astronomy Tower. I sat there for hours, trying to remember a single wisp of happiness. It was futile. I don't…I can't…it's just gone. All of it is gone and replaced with misery. And if all I have is misery, then what's the point in going on?"
The room was silent for a long time. Too long. I wanted to say something. Anything. But I had no idea what to say.
"I sat on the ledge, staring at the ground below."
It was just as shocking to hear it the second time as it had been the first. I leaned forward and clasped my hands together in front of me. I stared at the floor, focusing on the patterns and forcing myself to breathe normally.
"Would you have jumped, Miss Granger?"
Would she? Could she?
She shrugged her shoulder.
In this case, not denying is a clear admission. She had considered it, she said. She had thought about it.
"What stopped you?"
"I received a message." In the reflection of the window, I could see her lip tilt up on one side. "A message from someone that was thinking of me at that moment. Proof that I'm not as alone as the Demon says that I am."
She turned and faced me. Her eyes bore into mine.
Edinfield was writing as fast as he could in his folder, glancing up at her occasionally.
"I stayed up all night, thinking. By this morning, I was just done." She took a deep breath. When she turned around, her eyes were hard. Fierce. Determined. "I am done. I'm not fighting this thing anymore. I want it gone. Can you help me get rid of it? Or not?"
He looked up at her and finally set down his quill. He appraised her for a long moment before motioning her to take her seat. She did so reluctantly. And she waited.
"I am going to be very blunt with you, Miss Granger, because I feel you would appreciate no less. I can give you the tools that you need to fight this Demon, as you call it. But I cannot fight it for you. Neither can Mr. Malfoy or any of your other friends or family." He held eye contact with her and spoke in the same matter of fact way that he had always spoken to me. She nodded once and he continued.
"That being said, we can provide support as you learn to control it. We can only do that if you make two promises to yourself. First, you have to be completely honest with me. I don't know anything about you, Miss Granger, aside from the fact that you were involved in the war and you are muggleborn."
Hermione shifted in her seat, curling her legs under her and crossing her arms over her chest.
"To beat this Demon, you have to face it. The only way to face it is to expose it. Do you understand?"
She chewed on her fingernails and stared off into the distance.
"You want me to tell you about the war."
"No. I want you to tell me about yourself. About your experiences. About you."
She took a deep breath and released it slowly.
"What's the second promise?"
He sat back in his seat and rolled his shoulders back.
"You will need to build a support system. You have me, anytime. We will schedule regular sessions, but I am available twenty four hours a day. I assume Mr. Malfoy is part of your support system. Who else?"
She visibly swallowed.
"No one else knows…"
I huffed out a short laugh, earning a look from both of them.
"Potter and Weasley know, not the details, but they know something isn't right." I hate to give credit to those two bozos, but they have been her friends since first year. "They want to help, but don't know how."
Her eyes scrunched up in disbelief. Merlin, I never figured her for being unobservant. I rolled my eyes.
"Don't start playing ignorant now, Granger. It's most unattractive on you."
"Whatever, Malfoy." She rolled her eyes, but her lip tilted up on one side.
"The second promise is that you will turn to your support system, any one of us, whenever you start to feel overwhelmed. Whenever you start to feel like you are losing the battle. You cannot wait for someone to check on you. You have to go in search of one of them and ask for help."
Her leg bounced up and down quickly in agitation. She chewed on her lip.
"I mean, I can't wake these guys up in the middle of the night every night. For a couple of days, they might understand. Every night is a huge ask. For anyone."
I cleared my throat. I'm usually up. More nights than not.
Then again, I'm in the dungeon and she's in the tower, so maybe that isn't helpful after all.
"Those are the two promises, Miss Granger. First, be honest with me and with yourself. Second, ask for help from your trusted support group when you need it."
She thought about it for several minutes. She stood and paced back and forth between her chair and the window. She ran her hands through her hair and tapped her foot against the ground.
Finally, she turned around and leaned against the windowsill.
"Okay. Agreed." She sighed deeply.
"Very good, Miss Granger." He opened his calendar and marked off a block of time. "Go get some rest. I will provide excuses for both of you from classes for today. I will see you here tomorrow at four o'clock and we'll get started."
"Fine." She tossed her hair over her shoulder, retrieved her bag from the floor, and walked to the door. With her hand on the knob, she turned. "Thank you."
She didn't wait for him to respond before she opened the door and stepped out into the hallway. I stood to follow her.
"Mr. Malfoy. I'd like to see you tomorrow as well. Ten o'clock in the morning sound good?"
I ran my hand through my hair and released a deep breath. That was not a bad idea at all.
"I'll see you then." I nodded at him and turned away.
Hermione was waiting in the hallway. We walked to the staircase together.
"Third floor?" I asked as we stepped onto the stairs.
"Sounds good." She slid her hand into mine as the staircase began to swing towards the landing. Again, it was like it knew where to take us.
When we stepped off the stairs, Hermione patted the railing and muttered a quiet "Thank you " to the castle.
The living quarters on the third floor were starting to feel like a home away from home. Comfortable. Safe.
I waited in the sitting room while she took a shower. During that time, I remembered the dream I had the night before. Where she was smiling. Laughing. Happy.
I don't know if I'll ever see her like that in real life or not, but Merlin I hope so.
She emerged from the bathroom in a puff of steam. Rather than her uniform, she wore muggle jeans that had holes in the legs above her knees and a dark green sweater that covered her arms but hung loose off of one shoulder. Her hair had been dried and hung in soft waves. Her eyes were still puffy and tired, but they were dry and clear.
Beautiful.
I took her place in the shower, washing away the salt filled tears that had soaked through my shirt that morning. A few cleaning spells later and my uniform looked as good as it had when I left the common room this morning.
Hermione was sitting on the windowsill, staring out at the blustery Autumn day when I emerged from the steamy bathroom. She turned to watch me. Her lip tilted up on one side.
We spent what was left of the afternoon sitting on the balcony, talking. She sat in front of me, with her back against my chest and her head resting against my shoulder. My arms circled her waist and held her loosely.
We didn't talk about anything emotional. We discussed innocuous things and pretended like the world had never fallen apart around us.
I took a deep breath, inhaling her strawberry and vanilla scent. This, I could get used to.
The conversation lulled as the sun began to set. We watched the rays dip below the horizon, coloring the sky in beautiful shades of orange and red before fading to black.
Hermione sighed deeply.
"Draco." She sat up a little straighter and turned to face me. I raised my brow and waited. "Before we go back, I just….I need you to know that…"
She hesitated. I had no idea what she was going to say, so I waited while she worked out the words in her head.
"You've become very important to me, also." She looked up at me from under her lashes and chewed on her lip for a few seconds. Her tongue darted out to lick her lips. "What happened this morning, the way you talked about the Darkness. I knew that you understood. You would only understand if you've been there. Like I understood when you had that panic attack. Right?"
She was rambling. It was kind of adorable. At the same time, I felt like she had seen right through me. She knew. Just like I knew as soon as I had seen her sitting at the table in the Great Hall. It was a knowledge you could only obtain from personal experience.
"Anyway, I just want you to know that if you need anyone else in your trusted support system…" She visibly swallowed and looked back up at me, her eyes meeting mine once again. "You have me. I'm here any time."
My heart was thudding in my chest, pounding so loud that she had to have heard it.
"Even in the middle of the night? Every night?" My lip quirked up on one side. I pushed her hair back behind her ear.
"I'll probably be up." She muttered.
I pulled her closer. My lips brushed against hers twice before I captured her lips with mine. I kissed her slowly, taking my time to memorize the feel of her moving against me, the taste of chocolate, the smell of strawberries and vanilla.
Someday I want to do more than kiss her. For now, though, this is enough. More than enough. It's perfect.
She didn't deepen the kiss either. She was just as content as I was with the slower pace. I don't know how long we sat there kissing. When we finally pulled apart, the sun had set completely.
"We should go." I didn't want to. I'd rather just stay right here with her.
I could tell that she was just as reluctant to leave as I was. We both know that we can't stay. We've pushed the envelope as far as we can for the day as it is.
Curfew was getting closer and closer. When we got to the stairs, I turned to walk up with her. She bit her lip but didn't say anything. At the portrait entrance to Gryffindor Tower, I stopped. My hand held tight in hers and I pulled her into my arms.
"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked her quietly. Twenty four hours ago she was contemplating jumping off the Astronomy Tower. The thought of her being alone was causing me anxiety. Fear clawed at my throat. What if tonight she can't fight off the Demon in her head?"
"I'll be okay, Draco. Go get some sleep. I'll see you in the morning."
She tried to step back. I didn't let her go.
"You'll wake Potter up if you need to?"
I'd rather be here myself, but I can't be. Stupid houses.
"Yes. Good night, Malfoy." She placed a quick kiss against my lips and stepped back.
"Good night, Granger." I watched until the portrait closed behind her, then I headed to the dungeon.
AN: Yikes. This was an extremely difficult chapter to write, even worse to proof read, and ended up about 2500 words longer than it was supposed to.
As always, I am interested in your thoughts, comments, reviews.
If you are battling depression or having thoughts of self harm or suicide, please contact the suicide hot line in your area. You are not alone.