Disclaimers: Naruto is not mine, sadly. This is purely a fanfic using someone else's characters.
Warnings: This story includes strong language, violence, sexual assault, torture, sexual content (yaoi), & angst.
It's All In Your Head
Chapter 21: Exist
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It took Naruto a long time to go back to some sort of life after Sasuke left. Weeks passed by as he stayed curled up tight in Sasuke's bed, wondering where he went.. why he would leave without saying goodbye.
Why he would leave at all.
Especially after the night they had.
It was painful. Utterly, mind-numbingly devastating. He felt so lost and empty without him- he couldn't even remember how he had managed all this time before Sasuke was a part of his life.
Existing without the Uchiha by his side, and his voice in his head, felt wrong. Living in a massive house he didn't belong in felt wrong.
Getting up and living his normal life felt.. wrong.
He couldn't eat, barely slept. And he didn't know if he ever would. The loneliness haunted him while he was awake, and the nightmares tormented him while he was asleep. It was a lose-lose situation, but at least when he was awake he knew what was real.
Reality was a cruel bitch, but at least it was honest.
Naruto thought about running off and trying to find him, but he had no idea where he'd even start. He had a feeling he knew what Sasuke was after, but it didn't make the pain of losing him, of being abandoned by him, any easier. The thought that had slipped free when they left the hospital that day, before Sasuke could shut him out again, about needing to get stronger no matter what echoed in his head over and over, taunting him.
Sasuke was desperate to defeat Itachi, to seek vengeance for his clan, and he was terrified of losing Naruto the same way he lost his parents. It was obvious that he left to find a way to get stronger, to gain enough power to destroy his brother once and for all.
But at what cost?
Naruto burrowed deeper into his blanket.
He said he loved me.
And I let him.. we..
Tears slipped free from his heavy blue eyes and slid down his scarred cheeks.
How could he do this to me?
--
"Sasuke, Naruto." Kakashi knocked on the Uchiha's front door again and waited. He sighed. "Come on, children. You already saw me break open a cell door. You really think I can't get inside this one?"
Still nothing.
The jonin sighed again, dragging his fingers through his thick silver hair. "Today's youth. So doubtful of my expertise."
Kakashi leapt up to the roof, moved to the side of the house, and easily slipped through an open window on the top floor. He padded down the stairs, through the hall, and over to an open door. He peaked inside and found a mostly empty bedroom. Mostly. If you didn't count the mound of blankets in the center of the bed. He moved closer to the cocoon and noticed a mess of blonde hair peering out one end, and a foot sticking out the other.
He shook his head. If Naruto was attempting to hide in that pile, he was off to a bad start.
God, this kid is going to need a lot of training.
Kakashi quietly closed the distance, grabbed the comforter, and yanked it back. Huge blue eyes stared up at him, red-rimmed and filled with unshed tears.
"S-sensei..?"
Kakashi scanned the blonde, noting how thin he had gotten, the heavy shadows around his eyes, and his abnormally pale complexion. And his clothes- he was wearing Sasuke's dark blue shirt, the Uchiha marking on the back, and a pair of black sweats that likely also belonged to Sasuke.
".. he left" Kakashi said quietly, knowing the answer before Naruto confirmed it.
For how close they've gotten, it's the only thing that could have this kind of effect on Naruto.
His eyes widened, and he had to avert his gaze as another thought came to mind. What if Sasuke told him how he felt? And they.. he glanced back at the blonde, at how utterly lost he looked.
Oh, Sasuke- tell me you didn't.
"Wh-why are you here..?" Naruto asked quietly, turning away from the jonin.
Kakashi realized he had been staring at him, lost in thought, likely making the forlorn teenager rather uncomfortable. Kakashi laid the blanket down over him again, but kept his face uncovered so he could see him. Then he sat down on the edge of the mattress.
"Naruto.. what happened?"
The blonde flinched.
"You can talk to me, you know."
Naruto swallowed back the lump forming in his throat. "What does it matter" he said quietly. "He's gone."
Kakashi watched as a single tear slipped free from its deep azure cage, sliding down his face before falling to its demise.
Dammit, Sasuke, Kakashi thought. You fucking idiot. You were all he had.
If you were going to.. if you got close to him like that, only to abandon him after he finally trusted you..
Kakashi dropped his head, sickened by the thought. How're you proving to him that you're not like the rest of these people?
"Naruto" he finally said, "let me help you."
The blonde shook his head. "You can't help me" he whispered.
"Naruto, you can't just-"
The blonde jerked his head up. "What the fuck does it matter?! Do you really think anyone cares that I'm not at school? That anyone misses me? If I died, who would even notice? And when they do, do you honestly think anyone will be hurt by it? The town will throw a fucking parade."
Naruto turned away, the force of his truth tearing at the pit in his stomach. "Why are you even here, Kakashi-sensei? Sasuke's gone. You don't have to do this for his sake anymore."
The jonin carefully reached out and turned Naruto's face towards him. "Naruto. This isn't about him- it's about you. Let me help you through this."
Kakashi could see something desperate float to the surface in those deep blues, a tiny speck of light bobbing in the dark swell.
"What makes you think you can help me..?" Naruto asked, his voice heavy with the weight of barely contained emotions.
"Because I care enough to try."
Naruto pushed the man's hand away from his face and slowly sat up. "I can't go back to that school. To that.. life." If you could call it that.
"Then don't."
Naruto looked up. "If you have a way that's fast, I'll end it now. Kyuubi might get in the way, but we might be able to-"
Kakashi froze, horrified. "What?"
Naruto furrowed his brows, confused. "You said, don't. You were telling me to kill myself, right?"
Kakashi's eye widened as all the blood drained from his face. "What?! No! I'm not telling you to- Jesus Christ, that's really what you'd say to that?!"
Naruto looked surprised. "But you said not to live my life-"
"Your current life" Kakashi emphasized. "The one where people are needlessly cruel to you, and you just endure it. The one where you are afraid to become strong because you don't want them to fear you. That life."
Naruto's mouth dropped open. "H-how did you know that?"
Kakashi leaned forward, studying the blonde closely. Naruto shifted back, suddenly feeling nervous. Kakashi had saved him, and appeared to want to do so again, but he was also a man that Naruto was alone with. On a bed.
Kakashi noticed his growing fear and paused. "Naruto. I will help you become strong. Strong enough to stop anyone who tries to hurt you-"
An image of those men slammed into the blonde's mind again- being pinned down on that gravel path, a hand smashed down over his mouth, forcing down his screams, as another slipped into his pants. He bit his lip hard and pushed his torment to the back of his mind.
"Strong enough to protect the people you care about."
He could see Itachi in his mind, his eyes cold and unfeeling as he revealed his plans to use Sasuke, to hurt his little brother to bring Kyuubi to the surface.
"Strong enough to-"
"-to bring him back?" Naruto asked hurriedly, new hope blooming in his chest.
Kakashi gave a small smile. "Yeah, Naruto. I think if anyone can, it's you."
Could I really get Sasuke back?
Maybe if I was a stronger man, he wouldn't have left in the first place.
Naruto looked up.
"And you're really going to help me?"
The tension in Kakashi's face started to relax a bit, and he gave the blonde a small smile. "That's right."
Naruto returned the gesture, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. He looked determined, but something dark settled in them as well. Something that seemed to consume the Naruto that used to be there. Kakashi studied him, wondering how much of him the Uchiha's thoughtless actions had irreparably undone.
"So, when do we start?"
Kakashi blinked, pulled out of his thoughts. He rose to his feet. "Get yourself cleaned up- I'll make you food. Then we'll make a plan."
"It's fine, sensei. I'm not hungry-"
"Naruto" Kakashi interrupted, "if you're weak you won't be able to train." He looked pointedly at the small blonde, then softened his voice. "You said you want to get him back, right?"
Tears filled the blonde's eyes, and he quietly nodded. Kakashi dropped a hand on his shoulder and gave a reassuring squeeze. "Then start by eating again, hm?"
He kept his eyes averted but gave another small nod.
"The longer you stay alive, Naruto, the more chances you'll have of bringing Sasuke home."
That seemed to resonate with him.
Naruto looked up. "Thank you, Kakashi-sensei. For everything."
"Training is going to be brutal, kid." He ruffled the blonde's unruly locks, then strolled over to the open door.
"You might not want to thank me yet."