The meeting was coming to an end and Kathryn gathered her strength. She knew what she had to do. The Doctor had already been sending her meaningful glances during the last ten minutes. Her senior staff were still discussing possible routes through the part of space ahead of them. A detour to an M-class planet was necessary for they needed to replenish their food supply. For the first time without Neelix to guide them. This thought gave her a pang; how much she missed him!
Only half listening to the discussion, she studied each of her colleagues surreptitiously. Chakotay, who sat to her right, hadn't met her eyes throughout the whole meeting. The poor man looked as if he hadn't gotten much sleep last night, if at all. It pained her that she was the likely source of his troubled night.
B'Elanna wasn't paying much attention to the discussion, which was winding down as it was. She looked tired. Kathryn sighed. Time and again she had tried to get her to take maternity leave or at least to ease her workload. It was gnawing on her conscience that the expectant mother was still working in such a dangerous environment, yet she didn't have the heart to make it an order. Besides, what was safe for that matter? The engineering team, bless them, had been staging a little mutiny and always jumped at the tasks that would be potentially dangerous or simply required crawling around in Jefferies tubes, much to their chief engineer's disgruntlement. B'Elanna had complained to her captain about that and Kathryn had promised to talk to them. She had talked to them all right and congratulated them on their initiative.
Harry, on the other hand, was very much engaged in the discourse. Several planets looked promising, but there was also a large asteroid field to consider. She was glad that he had overcome his earlier disappointment when she had vetoed his suggestions to look for a wormhole in the Borg-infested nebula. She mentally shook her head at the notions a few of the crew seemed to entertain. According to some she would eat Borg drones for breakfast and loved to butt heads with the queen. Far from it! She truly feared the Borg as would any sane person who had experienced close up of what they were capable of. As a captain, she had learned to pick her fight, and today wasn't the time.
Kathryn purposely avoided looking at her CMO and skipped to Seven. The young woman seemed uncharacteristically quiet, almost shy, today. And she wasn't sitting next to Chakotay, either. Kathryn pursed her lips. A lover's quarrel? Well, they would have to resolve that one on their own. She didn't have the energy to step between them as a mediator.
Kathryn smiled as she settled onto Tom. He turned out to be a nervous father-to-be, but somehow it suited him. He would do well in his new role, she was sure of it. Tom must have felt her eyes on him. He returned her gaze openly with a slight grin, then leaned back in his chair. They had agreed on their new course, only needing her consent.
And Tuvok? He appeared to be his normal Vulcan self, and yet… There was something about him, but she couldn't put her finger on it. She furrowed her brow. Actually, she had expected either Chakotay or Tuvok to call her onto her illness sooner rather than later. Chakotay was only human, but Tuvok? She doubted that she was that good of an actress. No, something must be bothering him, she was quite sure of it. She would talk to him. Later. There would be enough time on her hands, after all.
Her mind came back to the matters at hand. "It's settled then. The route looks good and we'll avoid any Borg activity as far as we can tell," Kathryn agreed. "However, there is something else I have to tell you." She paused and swallowed. After catching the Doctor's encouraging look she continued, "I have contracted an illness, most likely on Quarra. So far neither our Doctor nor the doctors at Starfleet Medical have found a cure."
"What?" Harry's whisper was unnaturally loud in the too-quiet room. Kathryn made an effort to look everybody in the eyes, with the exception of Chakotay who was still averting her gaze and kept looking at the PADD in his hands instead. She had stared down many hostile aliens over the course of the last seven years, but nothing was as hard as this.
"The virus is not contagious as far as we know, so the rest of the crew is not in danger," she stressed. At least they could assuage this particular worry for now. "Unfortunately, it is starting to affect me inasmuch that I can no longer adequately fulfill my duties as a captain of this ship. I am, therefore, going to hand over the captaincy of Voyager to Commander Chakotay." Her comrades - no, her friends - stared back at her in shock.
"When?" B'Elanna asked finally.
"By the end of the week." There was no use in prolonging the inevitable. She could only hope that Chakotay would be ready by then. Kathryn glanced at him from the corner of her eyes. His head was bowed, eyes closed and the knuckles of his hands, gripping the PADD, were white. He looked as if the added burden already was too heavy to bear. Oh, how she longed to comfort him even with a simple gesture, but she was sure he wouldn't welcome that right now.
"But why didn't you consult with the doctors on Quarra? Surely, they would have been able to help?" Tom inquired.
"May I answer that question, Captain?" Kathryn nodded, all too happy to let the Doctor take over.
"At first, the symptoms the Captain was presenting with were vague and inconclusive. Any number of maladies or just simply stress could have accounted for them. The virus was very adept at masking itself, so much so that I only isolated it two months ago, more by chance than anything, I have to admit."
"By then it would have been too late to turn the ship around. A detour of four months or more was unacceptable," Kathryn added quietly.
"You would have, though. For everybody else you would have turned the ship around," Chakotay insisted, sounding slightly accusatory.
"Not if it meant adding four months to our journey." She was sure.
"No, I know you, Kathryn, you…"
At her sharp intake of breath, he stopped. What were they doing, arguing in front of the senior staff? And Chakotay? Why was he suddenly using her given name after weeks of hardly acknowledging her beyond their professional relationship? And at a senior staff meeting no less. Warily she rubbed her brow. She wasn't even sure what they were arguing about.
"Apologies, Captain. I got carried away," said Chakotay, which Kathryn accepted with a nod of her head.
"No!" Harry Kim suddenly stood up. "That's not how it is supposed to be. Captain, you are going to get us home! You promised!"
"You are out of line, Ensign," Commander Tuvok stated calmly but with conviction. "Sit down!" Which he did, but it was too late, the arrow had struck. And it pierced her heart. She was about to break her promise, she had failed her crew!
The pain in her soul was mirrored by an all too familiar physical pain, a fire that would relentlessly spread throughout her body trying to consume her once again. She tried to relax and breathe evenly. That usually worked, at least at the beginning of an attack.
"Feel free to inform your department heads of…of these new developments. If there are no more questions, you are dismissed." Kathryn stood and turned to look out of the window, her arms locked behind her back, leaving no room for any more discussions. Her crewmates took the hint and filed out of the briefing room. At least the Doctor hadn't suspected anything. She really didn't want him fussing over her on top of everything. Closing her eyes when another flare of pain hit, she leaned her heavy head on the cool transparent aluminum and her arms on the ledge to keep herself upright. Again she tried to relax, remembering Tuvok's meditation techniques he had taught her all those years ago.
"Captain?" The voice was soft, but it still startled her. The resulting jerk aggravated the pain exponentially and her vision darkened momentarily. Strong, yet gentle hands caught her. "Woah! Come on, let's get you to your chair before you fall."
It was good to sit. She immediately tried to curl up on herself. "No, Captain. I need you to look at me!" One hand gently tilted up her head while the other grasped her wrist. She opened her eyes, but everything was blurry. "Captain, can you hear me?" She nodded with gritted teeth. "Do you need anything? Should I call Doc?" This time she shook her head no.
"All right, but all bets are off if you faint on me." That almost made her smile.
Kathryn leaned back in her chair and let her eyes close again. She'd never wanted anybody to see her in this state, and yet it was strangely comforting not to be alone. The hand was still on her wrist and felt like an anchor, grounding her, while waves of pain slammed against her.
A few minutes later she could relax at last. With her vision no longer fuzzy she could finally confirm that it was indeed Tom Paris kneeling before her, regarding her with a worried look. "Better?"
"Yes," she rasped. Her gaze fell upon his fingers which still rested on her hand. She realized that he hadn't only provided her with some comfort but had been monitoring her pulse in the absence of a tricorder.
"Is it always this bad?" Tom asked, concerned.
Kathryn shrugged. "Mhm. The Doctor is starting me on stronger pain medication this evening."
"Good." He nodded in approval. "I have to admit I suspected that something was going on with you for a while now. Only, I had hoped for happier news. But then I was biased."
"What do you mean?" she asked groggily.
"As a part-time medic I noticed that you became Doc's favorite patient even before Seven and that is saying something. Then there was your obvious tiredness and weight loss. You even gave up coffee! And it all started a few weeks after Quarra, where you had been in a relationship. For me that looked like we might expect a little playmate for our little one. I am sorry that I didn't realize what the real reason was."
"Different kind of stowaway, I'm afraid." Kathryn smiled tightly. "Besides, you weren't supposed to notice anything. And thank you for not going through my medical files."
"I would never betray your trust like that, even if it wasn't classified."
"I know that, Tom," she assured him but then gave him a puzzled look. "Why didn't you leave with the others?"
"Well, I still had a question." He met her gaze with clear eyes.
Of course, he did. Kathryn sighed inwardly. She really wasn't up to another discussion. "Well, there's no time like the present. What was your question?"
"Do you need anything?"
She shook her head. "I am fine, Tom."
He raised his eyebrows. "If that is your definition of fine, then I don't want to know how your bad days are." Tom stood up and went to the replicator. Moments later he appeared back at her side with a glass of water and a plate with orange segments. "At least keep your blood sugar level balanced."
"Thank you!" Kathryn drained the glass and selected an orange segment. "For everything!" she added. The sweet juice replaced the bad taste in her mouth. And her exhausted brain started to work properly again.
Tom sat down next to her.
"It was the least I could do. But honestly, Captain, that was my question. What can I do for you?"
Kathryn stared at him, stunned, and had to blink back the sudden moisture in her eyes. "Shouldn't you be asking B'Elanna this?"
"B'Elanna won't mind sharing my attention. On the contrary," he sighed.
"Been hovering a bit much?" she asked sympathetically.
"Yeah." He grinned ruefully.
She patted his arm affectionately. "Every parent-to-be has a right to be nervous. But don't worry, you'll be a great father!"
"How can you be sure? I still feel like I've barely outgrown my own childhood. How can I take care of a baby, something so small, depending on me of all people?"
"The lives of all on board are in your hands as Voyager's pilot and part-time medic and you have never let us down. Over the course of the past seven years I have seen you grow into a responsible officer who I can trust blindly," she said in a serious voice. "Of course you can take care of your baby! And you aren't alone, you have B'Elanna, the Doctor and all of the Voyager family at your side. Your little one will grow up protected and loved and cherished by so many aunts and uncles, just as Naomi is. But I know that nobody will play as many fun games with this little girl as you will. And you will probably teach her to pilot a shuttle at four months old," she added with a twinkle in her eyes.
"I've made so many mistakes." Tom still looked somewhat doubtful.
"Well, so have I. I'm going to tell you a secret." She leaned towards him and whispered conspiratorially, "that is part of being human. We stumble, sometimes we fall. We can't be perfect. The only thing we can do is get up and try again."
He smiled at her. "Maybe you are right."
"Uh uh," she wagged her index finger at him. "The Captain is always right!" They both chuckled. "You know, I am not only proud of the man you have become, but also of the man you were in the beginning. You were disliked by the original Starfleet crew and, more or less, hated by the Maquis crew and still you persevered. And despite everyone's bad opinion about you, you've taken on your responsibility since our very first day in this quadrant. Since then you have proven yourself a thousand times over. And I can't thank you enough for your dedication. We wouldn't have come this far without you."
Blushing slightly, he answered, "I did have one friend, who looked up to me. This feeling… I somehow couldn't disappoint him."
"Yes," she smiled. "Your friendship with Harry was fortunate and beneficial to both of you."
"But there was another person, who believed in me, that I couldn't let down." Tom looked pointedly at her. "It was you who got me out of prison and gave me the chance of a lifetime."
"A chance you took and made the best of it. You did all the hard work, Tom!" Kathryn emphasized. "I am proud of you, and so is your father."
"And you are sure of that of course."
"Of course." She grinned at him, but then she put both her hands on his shoulder and looked at him emphatically. "I know that!"
Tom took her hands off his shoulder and into his own. "And we are so lucky to have had you as our captain. Without you many of us would either be dead or in prison. You have a gift, or maybe it is a compulsion," he winked at her, "to pick up strays, Neelix, Kes, the Maquis, Seven, the Equinox crew, the Borg kids, myself, even the Doctor in a way. Not to mention those three that had fallen under your radar. I bet you had all kinds of rescued animals trailing after you as a kid."
That made her chortle. "Only a puppy or two," she admitted.
"I can see that. Anyway, you treat them with respect, find them something worthwhile to do and expect them to grow. And they - we - do." He squeezed her hands gently. "I owe you my life, Captain, and everything I hold dear, especially my family." His gaze softened as he looked at her. "And now, I have made you cry."
"Don't worry about it," she smiled through her tears and used her sleeve to dry them. "They come too easily these days."
"You still haven't answered my question. So, I will take a leaf out of Neelix's book and anticipate your needs before you know you have them."
"Oh?"
"Permission to hug the captain, Captain?"
Her answering smile lit up her whole face. "Permission granted, Lieutenant."
Somehow she had always envisioned Tom to hug her when they had finally reached the end of their journey. It would have been a bone-crushing, air-squeezing bear hug, but she would have loved every second of it. This hug was gentle as if she was something precious he might accidentally break. And he was right, she realized, a hug was exactly what she needed.
When he let go, she held onto his elbows. "You know, I won't be your captain much longer. You should call me Kathryn, at least off duty for now."
"I am honored," Tom said solemnly.
Kathryn smacked his arm lightly. "Stop talking as if I was some queen who just bestowed her subject with her blessing."
A wicked smile stole onto his lips. "Oh, I know for a fact that you make a fantastic queen."
"Of course you would remember that," she grumbled.
"Till the end of my days, o my queen," he gushed.
"Well this queen will always remember the crewman who scrubbed the plasma manifolds with a toothbrush," she said in her most regal voice.
"Remind me, which crewman was that?" he asked innocently.
"Behave, or you will soon find out. And don't count on Chakotay, either. I am sure he would approve and once he is cap-" Her voice broke and her eyes clouded. The levity was gone.
Once again she was caught in his hug, a bit more forcefully this time. "Captain… Kathryn, you will always be our captain. Just let us be there for you, as you have always been there for us."
"Tom, I…I am…"
"Captain Janeway to the bridge," interrupted Harry through the intercom. They looked at each other. Now what?
Tom grinned at her slightly apologetically, not being able to hide the concern in his eyes. "Well, Captain, no rest for the weary, it seems."
Kathryn chuckled softly. "It sure looks that way, Lieutenant."