Not sure if you guys are getting my review replies... someone mentioned they didn't know you couldn't see them on the app. You can't. Only online. Check your PM's, who knows what you've got in there!
Chapter 17
Edward escorts me back towards the house much like he did to arrive at Joey's European vacation, with my hand nestled in the crook of his elbow as he pushes the stroller. When we get to the path that makes you choose the big house or the cottage, he hesitates.
"Are you sick of us? Do you need a night off? Maybe we could have a nightcap in front of the fireplace."
"I would love that." I look up at him, his eyes shining in the moonlight. "I'm not sick of either of you, just so you know."
"Glad to hear it. Let me go get some blankets for Joey and grab some drinks. Can you take him to the patio?"
"Sure." I push Joey along to the couch by the big stone fireplace and take him out of the stroller. We sit together, waiting for Edward.
"Watch this, Joey," I say to him as I grab the remote for the fire. Pushing the button, I make a tah-dah motion with my hands. "Bet you didn't know I was magic." He just looks at me and yawns, unimpressed. "You could fake amazement, you know." I pet his head and scratch his back, his little body pressing next to me on the cushion. It feels nice having him there, warm and cuddly. I stroke his fur lightly, much like I did with Edward's hair.
He lets out a big sigh, and I'm filled with warmth that he's content next to me. "I'm glad I met you, by the way. I understand I wasn't so friendly at first, but that's not your fault. I've never had a pet. Or a best friend." I pause but continue to stroke his coat, the fire enclosing us in a warm cocoon. "I'm going to try my best to be a friend to him after you've…after. No one can compare to you, Joey. Not ever. Thank you for the love and purpose you've given him." I lean down and kiss his head, something I never imagined I would ever do. He snuffles and digs his face a little deeper against my leg. I take that as his approval of me. "I love you both."
"I leave for five minutes and you're kissing another man." I startle at the sound of his voice, unsure of how much he might've heard. His smile as he puts a bottle down doesn't give anything away, and I worry he'll take what he heard wrong.
I don't love him. I can't love him. It's a ridiculous thought, one that has come from the emotions of spending so much time with them. But I do have love for him. For him and Joey. That's all it is. Fuck me, that's all it is.
"Caught me. He's just such a charmer." Edward takes the seat on the other side of me so I'm in an Edward / Joey sandwich.
He holds up a bottle of brown liquor. "This is a bottle of Blanton's Black Edition, given to me by Peter on my twenty-first birthday. He told me to drink it right away, to not wait for a special occasion. I never did, guess I thought I knew I should wait for one. And today is one."
"It has a horsey on it." I touch the metal stopper emblazoned with a man riding a horse.
"It does. Rules are whoever finishes the bottle gets the top. See here?" He points to a small letter engraved in the metal. "People collect these. Once you have them all it'll spell out Blanton's."
"So, you have a B."
"Fitting, Bella."
I blush and roll my eyes. "There's no way I'm finishing that bottle."
"No one said it had to be tonight. Besides, it could be me that finishes and gets to keep the B."
He says it with his eyes looking all hooded and sexy down at me with that boyish smirk, making me warmer than the fire.
He pours the amber liquid into two crystal etched tumblers and hands me one. I clink his glass before smelling the strong aroma. We sip and my body does a little shimmy at the strong taste. It's warm and smooth as I feel it go down. "That's nice."
He sits and his arm goes around me, and we both sort of slouch down together like we've done this a million times. Our feet are stretched out on the cocktail table, our bodies pressed together as we stare at the flames. I want to ask what's the plan for tomorrow, but I don't want to ruin the mood. Besides, I really really need to start writing this article, but the thought of having to leave them even just for a few hours to go to the library creates a weird loneliness within me.
Edward's thumb is rubbing my shoulder softly, and I turn my head to rest my chin on his own and stare at his beautiful profile. Impulsively, I lean in and softly kiss his neck. There's a bit of stubble there and the feel of him against my lips is thrilling.
The grip on my shoulder tightens so I continue to kiss his neck, delivering small pecks and soft swipes of my tongue.
The sound he makes increases my pressure on his neck. He turns his head and his lips meet mine. Our bourbon infused mouths move together, the kiss deepening into something more. Edward pulls my body forward, all while our lips are joined, and I hear him put his glass on the table. I feel him take mine and do the same, and my arms automatically wrap around his shoulders. I'm pressed into him as he leans back, his hands rubbing up and down the outside of my sweatshirt.
I'm suddenly very warm, and the hoodie is blocking the heavenly feel of his hands on me, so I lean back and quickly unzip. He helps me take it off my arms, which immediately return to holding onto him. He pulls me closer, and I straddle him, my body moving on instinct and connecting with his closely. The kiss intensifies even more, our mouths greedy. The taste of bourbon on his lips is heady, and I moan, causing him to push my hips down onto him suggestively.
"Bella, you feel so good," he says against me as I take over, grinding on top of him like a teenager.
"Hmmm you too," I reply lamely but honestly, and all I can think about right now is how hard he is against me. Right there. I feel like I haven't felt this aroused in ages. He guides my hips and soon we're both panting against each other.
He shifts me slightly so he can move his hand under my shirt. His hand is warm, and my nipple instantly reacts, making me moan. Edward takes that as a sign and moves me onto my back so he's hovering over me. My shirt gets lifted, and I hold my breath in anticipation of his mouth on me. His tongue takes its time, making a trail between my breasts before I feel his lips enclose around my nipple. My hands go to his hair, the hair I've grown very fond of touching, and hold his head to me.
He's resumed our makeout session between our hips and he presses himself against me. The delightful pressure makes my stomach clench. The fire feels warm and forbidden against my bare chest, and I move my face to feel the heat. I open my eyes and…
Joey is staring right at me on the couch next to my head.
"Edward, Edward, stop." I pull his hair, but he just moans, moving to give attention to my other breast. My hands move to my shirt trying to pull it down. "Stop."
He halts immediately but looks up at me confused. "I'm sorry, did I…?
"No," I cut him off. "It's Joey," I say in a harsh whisper, like the pup would be offended.
"What?"
"He's looking at me. At us."
"So?"
"So, that's weird!"
"He has no idea what's going on." He leans down to kiss me.
"But I do."
Edward has the audacity to chuckle and slumps against me with a groan. Eventually he helps me pull my shirt down between us. "You know I love Joey more than anything, but Bella, he's a dog."
"But he's Joey. I can't do this in front of him, Edward."
He drops his head down to rest on my now-covered chest and points at Joey. "You are a cockblocker, my friend." He scratches his head affectionately. "If we were at the cottage, I could just move us to my room and close the door on him."
"Well, we can't leave him out here and go inside."
"Nope. I… wouldn't feel comfortable in there, anyway." Edward sighs and turns his head towards the fire, so we're cheek-to-cheek looking at it. I understand what he's saying, that he's not really been in the big house in years. I rub his back, my nails scratching against his skin under his shirt. This is almost as nice as what we were doing before. "I could carry you to the cottage, stripping your clothes off as we go. But then you'd have to carry Joey cause it's dark out and that would just get awkward," he laughs.
"Yeah, I'd probably drop him and feel terrible for the rest of my life." The fire hisses and crackles, and I'm frustrated as we lay there, but the passion starts to leave my body, replaced by my overactive mind.
I want to take this step with him, lord knows I do.
But.
But maybe this is for the best. It's possible all the interruptions are a sign. Maybe this is a step Edward and I should not take at all.
"I do have an idea, though," he says.
"Oh yeah?" I ask, trying to sound normal. I don't want my voice to betray me and show the onslaught of reality that's suddenly weighing heavily.
"There's a place Joey and I like to go. Like a little vacation. We can go tomorrow for a day or two. Or four." He looks at me and places a sweet kiss on my lips. I smile but inside I start to think about his timeline. His assumption that I can just stay here as long as I want. I have an apartment that needs a good dusting by now. Mail that needs to be picked up. I'm pretty sure there's rotting milk and food in the fridge cause I didn't think I'd be away this long.
Not to mention I need to actually write this story if it's in fact, real.
So I can move on to something else.
I have a career I love. I want to get back to reporting, as much as I want to stay here. I'm leaving, going back to my life, and I don't know that a few days of intimate bliss with Edward would be enough once I had it. I don't know that it's something I could have taken away from me.
I don't know if I'd survive it.
I say nothing, but Edward takes my silence as agreement. "Peter and I have to sign some stuff at our lawyer's office tomorrow, so you can finally get to the library while I'm gone, if you want. We can head out around noon." His leg moves between mine and I instinctively hook mine around his. We stay with our limbs tangled and watch the fire, our thoughts most likely moving in two different directions.
There's a Billy's Chowder House travel mug and note on the counter when I get to the kitchen.
Have a productive time at the library, don't look up my old high school yearbooks. Can't wait to show you this place.
There's a smiley face after it, but me, I'm not feeling smiley at all.
I tossed and turned all night, caught up in my thoughts. Battling the Bella that is with the Bella that might be. There was never any doubt in me that all I wanted was to be a strong, career-driven woman. As a child I knew I wanted more, wanted bigger. I wasn't going to end up like my mother or my father. I fought and worked and clawed my way up the ladder to get to where I am today. I battled all the demons life threw at me to get the life I have.
It's made me who I am.
But then there was Edward, floating in what little dreams I had, with his kindness and beauty. This shore town has invaded my heart, and I want to be accepted in it and live and just let go. It was all I could do to not run to the cottage and ask him to be mine forever.
It makes me doubt who I am.
I've never felt this conflict of emotions in my life. It's always been easy to be the little girl that doesn't make waves so she'll go unnoticed by people that never noticed her anyway. It's been easy to travel from one place to another as an adult because there was no one really to tie myself to and miss. I've never spent this much time with one person before, and it scares me how… nice it feels.
I don't want to be tied down, I don't want to have to answer to anyone. I don't want to love and hope and give and have my life crash down around me like every time I've had a brief, shining moment of happiness or stability.
People leave you and hurt you. I can only rely on myself.
I sigh and fill the mug, telling myself I'll mail it back to him. Or keep it as a reminder that at one time, I was a normal person. One who fooled a nice guy into thinking she was anything but the Bella he first met.
My bag is packed with the few things I originally brought, the top spilling over a bit with the stuff I've had to buy. I make the bed, wipe down the bathroom, tidy up the odds and ends on the furniture and turn off the ceiling fan. I don't look back, I don't stand in the doorway and reminisce with a smile on my face at the lovely memories. I don't tell myself I'll be back to experience it again like you do leaving a nice vacation hotel room.
The rental moves down the rocky driveway, the crushing of stones loud under the tires. Driving away, I do give in to glancing at the house one last time, looking at it through the rearview because it's easier, like it's a postcard and not real life.
Calling Aro before I get to the library, his assistant informs me he's in a meeting and he'll call me back. Having no choice, I pull over in town to wait just in case he tells me this is an actual assignment and not some twisted version of The Dating Game he's made up. I feel stupid for assuming it was real. I knew as soon as he told me what it was about it was ridiculous. Should have stuck to my guns and instincts and said no. To never have come here.
I open my laptop to at least feel like I'm getting something done. There's some work emails I ignore, a sale at Barney's I could still catch when I get back to the city, and an email from Michael.
When once I felt something seeing his name in my inbox, the promise of a good dinner or whatever, now all I feel is aversion.
I scan it, confirming that he called because yes, he wants his book back. I delete it without responding, not even feeling the least bit sad that it's the only reason he wanted to get in touch with me.
I read the online version of the paper for an hour or so, checking for bylines of stories I would've liked to write. I used to keep a tally in the top drawer of my desk of my fellow reporters. Who got what, how many per month, what page did they land on. I want that feeling now. I want to see Angela's perky name next to a story she'd never have been assigned to just so I can get my fire back. I stare at my phone waiting for Aro to call, thinking fuck it, I'll just start heading back to the city anyway.
A city that once was a vibrant landscape in my mind suddenly feels gray, but I push the feeling aside.
My phone chimes in my hand with a text, and it's Edward. Asking what I'd like for dinner tonight, the cottage has a grill. I stare at it for a long time and finally shove my phone deep into my pocket without answering.
I'll text him back once I'm out of Maine.
I can't concentrate as I start researching what story I can present to Aro next. Somewhere far away, hopefully. Maybe there's a conflict in Thailand or Bali brewing.
My stomach eventually grumbles with hunger, so I get out of the car to look for a muffin or something. As I walk, people are saying good morning to me and being all Maine nice. I want to grumble or ignore like a good New Yorker would, but I can't. I want to light a cigarette and squash it on cement under my high-heeled shoe.
Instead, I smile back and wave at the toddlers with chocolate on their faces. They must've come out of that cafe up ahead. It looks all cute and quaint and I want to hate it like the old me would, but I can't help but admire its charm. Dammit.
Pushing the door open, the smell of fresh baked cinnamon rolls makes me hungrier, and I look through all the cases at my options. Oh my God, they have fresh macarons. I hate this place.
But I should at least try one before I go.
"Bella! Hi, nice to see you again!" A woman I remember from Edward's party comes up to me, bags of goodies and a tray of coffee in her hands. "Pam." She reminds me, smiling.
Recognition dawns. "Oh right, Joey's trainer, from the vets office." My eyes go wide as my stomach plummets to the bottom of my feet.
It hits me like a freight train.
Joey. I never said goodbye to Joey.
Somewhere in my mind I guess I had some idea or hope I'd stay in touch with Edward a little. I'd run into him somewhere in the future, like at a retirement party for Aro or my murder trial when I'm defending myself on the stand for finally killing him. Edward wasn't going to be gone gone. But Joey…
Joey is.
"You okay?" Pam's looking at me like I just threw up, which I feel like I did, actually.
"Yes, I'm fine, I'm fine. Uh, just getting something to eat before hitting the library. Research," I trail off like this woman cares what I'm doing.
"How are our boys? How's Edward? It's got to be getting harder for him." Her face is so kind and round, looking at me with such love for him as she asks, while I feel like she shoved a stake in my unfeeling heart.
Bile rises in my throat. "Yes, he's fine. Um, you know, dealing with it as best he can."
"I want to call him, but I want to give him privacy too."
I nod dumbly. "I'm sure he'd like to hear from you." I turn to leave without ordering anything and wave. "Good to see you." I'm out the door, the little bell ringing behind me before she even answers.
On the street, I walk until I hit a bench far enough away in case Pam comes to check on me, which lets be honest, half the town would do, I'm sure. Edward texts again, asking if I'm okay because I'm a half hour late. I put the phone face down next to me. No, I'm not okay.
I sit on the bench, breathing in and out. I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air to refill my black lungs. In and out, in and out.
My phone rings and I flip it over to see Aro calling.
I hold the phone in my hand, watching it light up with his name, waiting for me to answer. In and out, in and out.
Someone else says good morning to me. Birds chirp in the tree above me. Someone across the street says hello to someone else.
And that's when I realize I don't care if this story is real or not.
In and out, in and out. I love this place.
In and out, in and out. Joey is being put down soon.
In and out. Edward will be alone.
In. I don't want him to be alone.
Out. I don't want to be alone.
I want to be with him. I want to be with him through all of this and beyond.
I don't want to run into Edward somewhere in the future. I want him to be my future.
So what the fuck am I doing?
I ignore Aro's call and practically run back to the rental. I'll write the story regardless, it's a story that needs to be told and I'm the one that needs to tell it to them. Edward and Joey and their beautiful life together.
Driving, I know there's no hope he hasn't returned home. But maybe he'll never notice I packed up.
But if he has, he's going to realize I was leaving without a goodbye.
And I have to tell him I don't want to say goodbye.
Not to him, not to this place, not to any of it.
I just hope he wants the same thing.
Pulling into the driveway this time, the crush of rocks under my tires is welcoming.
I'm startled when I see Edward standing on the porch, hands on his hips. How do I explain leaving this way? What could I possibly say that wouldn't sound awful?
Biting the bullet, I exit the car and grab my overstuffed bag. He eyes it as I approach, his expression turning from one of happiness to confusion as he takes the two steps down to meet me.
He looks at it a moment, and finally looks at me.
He knows. He knows I was leaving without a goodbye. He knows I was leaving, period.
I can't imagine what's going through his mind, the guilt he must see on my face. I want to dissolve into a puddle of shame.
He reaches his hand out slowly and takes the full bag, holding it a moment before he looks directly at me and speaks. "You ready?"
His words forgive any apology I could muster. His words are sure enough for the both of us and the true question isn't lost on me.
I've never been so sure of an answer in my life.
"I'm ready."
I would never leave my girls CarrieZM and LayAtHomeMom without a goodbye.
This is for Squiggy.