Chapter 46: Such a Fine Boy

Around One Day Previously

Narrative Continued by Deacon Saul Mathers

"… It was almost like I had no control of myself. I didn't hate any of the people with me, I just didn't really feel anything. Everyone had a gun, I did too. Lots of the guys were laughing and joking but I didn't do any of that. Every night when we'd make camp, lots of them would drink more and some of the stories were really funny, but I never laughed. I just stared into the flames and felt really sad, but like I didn't feel anything at all at the same time. It was really weird. That happened every night, we kept walking really slow, and I kept wondering why I was even with these guys when I glanced back. I wanted to go back to New Canaan, but the thought of it was scary to me and made me even sadder. I don't remember how many days we walked, but nobody talked to me and I didn't want them too. I had no idea where we were going or why I was with them, but I kept walking with them…"

He rubs his eyes, still glancing at the jar on my desk pretty frequently;

"Go on, please," I said, and he did;

"… It was the last night that was really scary. Not the night, though. I wasn't with the others at the fire for long when I stood up. Everyone was stumbling around again after drinking a lot. I remember trying some of the bottles and it was too bitter. I didn't know where I was going, but I remember stopping by one of the Brahmin and brushed it for a while. One of the heads was really pretty, but the other was scary. Is it possible for one head to become a ghoul and the other not?..."

"Please, continue, what happened after you brushed the Brahmin," I asked him politely, trying even harder to imagine what he was telling me. My peripherals showed the recorder was still spinning, so I listened on;

"… After that? After that, I took something out of the ammo cans on the Brahmin's harness. I don't know what, but I walked into the desert after that. It was really cold, and very windy. The wind was blowing so hard that I couldn't hear the laughter at the campfire behind me. I walked for a long time, and the moon looked really pretty. I didn't even see where I was going until I had just finished burying something. I wasn't sure what it was, but then I saw how pretty the Great Salt Lake was, and I couldn't take my eyes off of it until I saw I just buried something else. Then I went back to the flame and went to bed. I don't remember anything else that happened, or why I did what I did, but the next day was very scary…"

"Is this the part that really scared you?"

"Yeah."

"Please, go on,"

"… Well I don't remember a whole lot. It was like I was just sitting atop my own head watching while I did stuff for the whole thing. I just wanted to go home, and I don't know why I did it…"

"What happened?" I asked in my most timid voice, extending a handkerchief to him;

"… It was around midday when I saw it. We were in the middle of the desert when I saw a little bush in move in the breeze on top of a sand hill… There was a loud explosion, but I turned from the bush and saw two big clouds of dirt in the air. I wanted to help. I wanted to cry, but before I could do anything, I saw the other guys raise their guns in every direction and pulled two really big pistol guns out of my coat. I don't know how they got there under my coat, but I remember I kept checking to make sure they were there during the other days. I was fast as lighting, the others were trying to see through the dust for bandits or raiders, and I thought I was going to help when instead of fired the big pistols at my men. The big pistols made huge explosions and I started to cry, but I couldn't feel any tears. I don't know why I did that, but then I walked around the dead guys. Some of them were crying, they were all bloody, some of them didn't have hands or legs anymore, and I wanted to say I was sorry, but I didn't… I looked around at the sides of the road, back at that bush, and there was still lots of dust in the air that hurt when I breathed…"

"So you felt really bad about what you did?" I asked.

He buried his face into his knees, muffling out, "Yeah…"

"And that's when you-" I asked when he interrupted;

"… No. After that, I shot all the injured men with a six-shooter. They didn't know it was me that hurt them all. Lots of them asked me to help them when they saw me unhurt, but for some reason, I wanted them to know it was me before I sent them to Jesus with the six-shooter…"

I thought maybe he was trying to hide the evidence of what he did, no survivors, but that didn't explain the reason he wanted them to see him before he executed the survivors. Such a thing was beyond cold-blooded if he was remorseful about the fact. This entire thing was wildly out of character for him by any means. My brain searched desperately for some kind of explanation or answer for the cold and calculated murder of the guys with him when he said;

"… When the dust was gone from the air, I stabbed the last one with a golden pole with a bird on it and watched the boy die. I left the pole in the man and looked up. Right on that sand hill where the bush was, there were a hundred warriors watching me. On the other side of the path, there were a hundred more that came out of the ground. There were so many that I almost couldn't even see the Great Salt Lake anymore in the distance. I was so scared inside, but they seemed to almost not even notice me when they came down the hill. They all had hands and feet on their belts and bones in their ears and looked really mean. All they did was just pick up the bodies and put them in a pile. We watched the pile burn and the smoke stung my nose a lot when I told them I can teach them how to kill like me…"

I couldn't help but let out the words, "Oh my God, that's-" but then he continued;

"… The warriors started walking towards the big lake, and I was holding the reigns of one of the Brahmin and the other Brahmin was following one of the warriors. My Brahmin was the one with the pretty head, but the pretty head looked like it was dead, and the other one that was ugly that looked like a ghoul was alive… Do you think that means something too, Mr. Mathers?"

His question admittedly took me a bit off guard. Still processing his story, I shook my head, wondering how such an innocent mind could conjure up such awful things, and said;

"I'm- That's seriously quite a terrible dream, Joseph."

A moment of pause ensued between us, and the kid looked up from his knees as he sat in the chair. He still looked very disturbed by telling me it, but I was glad he did, and had to go back to my notes for the answer before I found myself asking him;

"So, you told all of this to your dad?"

Joseph simply said, "Yeah. And mom too… I didn't tell them everything. I told them it was really scary though…"

I found that part in my notes during the session I had with his mother scarcely 30 minutes earlier. Dani's exact description of Joseph's most recent dream went:

"Joseph didn't tell us much in the way of details, but he said he dreamed he killed a bunch of people with "exploding guns" and taught a bunch of warriors how to kill innocent people. I'm afraid there's not much more he told us about this most recent one, but he's been having so many dreams about awful things in the past months we're starting to get worried. You know Joseph, he's such a sweet boy. Paul and I are at a complete loss about how it's even possible for him to think of such things…"

Looking back at the boy across the desk from me, I thought Dani was certainly right. Joseph was such a fine boy, and after hearing the exclusive details of his most recent dream, I was at a complete loss.

After all that, my confusion and search for possible explanations only got worse when I saw where he was looking. Joseph's demeanor slid back into his normal one, the one I knew, he kept staring at the little jar full of gumdrops I kept on my desk, and after enough time, he asked innocently,

"… are those candies for takes?"

I looked from the kid's face to the jar he was staring at, and then I reached for it, "… actually, those aren't supposed to be out…"

Putting the jar in my bottom desk drawer, I saw the look of sheer disappointment on his face, had a little pity, and placed a handful of the colorful candies on the desk in front of him. He lit up, enjoying them quietly as he looked around the office.

Personally, I was still pretty lost in thought about the awful dream he'd just told me about, watching the kid return to complete normalcy as if he didn't just tell me about a type of graphic dream no 8-and-a-half-year-old boy should really be having. Especially one as sheltered as Joseph.

I definitely saw why Dani sent him to me, but I myself was still lost on what to say. It didn't really help that he immediately asked about the candy right when I was organizing my thoughts.

That jar of gumdrops was a little birthday present from Zoe Ramos since she knew I liked them so much.

Zoe was a fine woman. I enjoyed helping her with her grief and worry about her son, and a part of me feels like she might be open to the idea of me asking her on a date. Although the Elders have said that they prefer counselors not to date any of their patients, the rules about that are somewhat vague since most people know one another in this place…

Not to get sidetracked, I was still at something of a loss for how to go forward with Dani and Paul's son. Seeing the kid still enjoying the candy, I hadn't even considered how the sugar might affect him. Perhaps sugar was the cause?

I decided to ask Dani about his diet before the end of this session as my eyes went to the window. I could feel the cool breeze coming in through the window, and it blew some of the steady smoke from one of those chimneys away just for a moment to see the faraway expanse of the distant Great Salt Lake. Still unsure where to go with this, I looked back at the notes I'd taken, and asked the kid something I forgot to ask Dani;

"What did your father have to say about your dream when you told him about it."

Joseph leaned back, searched his hand for more candy, and answered plainly, "Not a lot. Dad was real busy getting ready to go when I told him."

I saw the note, that was pretty much what Dani said. It's not too big a surprise that the family might not have had time to listen to Joseph's dream when Paul was getting ready to depart for the wilderness again.

Then it hit me. Something did… I was going to ask Joseph if he knew where Paul was leaving to, but realized how pointless that was. I knew Paul well enough to know that he didn't seem to enjoy telling his kids about his trips into the wilderness. I'm sure Dani probably knew something more, but she didn't seem to feel it was worth mentioning when we spoke earlier. In an attempt to fire into the dark and hopefully hit something, I asked the kid in a sort of recap;

"So, you walked through the wilderness with the guys, you killed them while they were distracted by the ambush, then you followed them towards the Great Salt Lake?..."

I thought of Dani's note; "… and taught a bunch of warriors how to kill innocent people." Joseph mentioned he offered to train them in the dream, but he didn't add anything else. I added;

"… You mentioned you offered to train the warriors how to kill like you. Did you do that in the dream? Or did you wake up when you were leading the ghoul brahmin towards the lake?"

"Yeah," said the kid, making me ask;

"Yeah, what exactly, son? Yes, you trained them, or yes you woke up?"

The kid looked defeated, like he really didn't feel like talking about the dream anymore today, and like he wanted more gumdrops. Reaching into the drawer, I pulled out another small handful and put them in front of him. He lit up right away and answered in a mix of sadness about discussing the dream and happiness about more candy;

"Everything went real fast after that. It wasn't like normal days. I remember day turned to night really quick. I don't know what happened to the Brahmin, but I remember running with the warriors across the desert. There were a lot less of them now, but we ran till the sand turned really white and then it was night and we ate by the fire. The warriors were all staring at me like they loved me or something, and the fire went really dark. But when it went bright again, there were hundreds of warriors around me again. All of them had red eyes, and they were all staring at me like they would do whatever I told them to do…"

"Did you say anything to them by the campfire?" I asked.

"Yeah, I told them, 'You must be willing to kill anyone, children, mothers, the weak, elders... if these New Canaanites value the generations, that is what you must kill…' I said a lot of other stuff too, but I don't remember…"

Even more information and I only had even more questions… and then he asked curiously;

"… Who's Kaisar?"

That little question made my jaw drop. How that kid even knew that name, the name of that dictator of the lands of the far south and east beyond the wilderness was a total loss to me. I suppose it was possible he might have overheard a conversation or two from people across town about Mr. Graham, but I knew Paul was very tight-lipped about so much of what he told his family and kids especially. I'd had Dani, Joseph, and even the occasional counseling session with Hannah in the past few years, and my frequent sessions with Michelle, especially when she was pregnant, helped me get to know that family very well. I knew Paul and his family in more ways than I probably should, and none of his kids could say what their dad did for the guard much past an explanation like I heard from Joseph about a year ago when he was struggling with school;

"My dad kills bad guys and bandits when he goes out there."

I suppose what I'm saying is that it didn't surprise me that Joseph didn't know who, "Kaisar," or, "Caesar," was, but the fact he knew the name at all, the fact he'd dream it, the fact he knew the pronunciation of "Caesar" used almost solely by Caesar's soldiers and his allies, and the fact he associated the name with a dream where he joined a raider tribe and killed the innocent made me answer his innocent question;

"I'm sorry? What do you mean?"

He ate some more candy and said almost nonchalantly, "… Kaisar? All the warriors around me at the fire said they really wanted to please Kaisar… I told them how they could."

He began to subtly bounce in his chair, probably from the candy, and I only had more questions.

"And this was when you trained them? Or is this when you woke up?"

I shook my head when he asked without words if he could have some more candy, and it looked even harder for him to remain seated when he relented with a glance towards the door. The sound of children getting out of school for the day came faintly through the window from the streets of town, and the boy said;

"Nah. I don't remember a lot more of what I said in the dream, but I remember standing on the white sand around the lake. I thought I could see New Canaan, but I couldn't go back there. I wanted to go back home, but all I did do was stand there in the white sand with all the scary-looking warriors with white legs… uh... Then THAT was when I woke up. The sun was coming up over the town and I woke up."

At the thought of that one detail near the end there, I felt myself just about to ask if the tribe he joined was called the White Legs, but before I could let out a sound, the kid bounced up and down in his chair and he whined, "… Can I go now, Mr. Mathers? I don't like talking about my dream anymore, and I hear my friends outside."

Stuck in thought about all he said, and what it could possibly mean, or how to handle it, I absently told him to bring his mom in here before he went anywhere, and he was already out the door. Dani spoke with him outside for a moment, and that lovely woman dismissed him before taking a seat right in front of me once again..

I still did not have much to tell her. I apologized for letting her son have more candy than I probably should have, and I felt bad that there was so little I could offer since she scheduled this appointment in search of answers. I admitted this in part, telling her that I would be in touch with her in the next few days if that was alright, but not before telling her my stupidest conclusion that she should keep an eye on his diet. She understood, probably wondering what sort of details Joseph told me to put me in such an unsure state, and suggested that I stop by for dinner when Paul gets back home. I agreed that was a wonderful idea, but the suggestion reminded me of a question from earlier. I asked the woman;

"Dani, if it's alright, would you happen to know exactly where Paul was sent this most recent time?"

Her answer was simply;

"I haven't heard much. He's usually pretty quiet about stuff like that. He'll usually come back and tell me about it, so you might be able to hear about it from himself at dinner. After the kids retire for the night, of course. He shouldn't be out for more than another couple days since it didn't sound like it was going to be too far."

Seeing her smile, I thought of the different versions of Dani I'd seen in this office in the past year or so, and said to her;

"You don't seem too worried about his departure this time."

She explained that her husband was given permission to wear the new suit of T-45D power armor out on this job, and that had seemingly taken a huge load off her mind. I heard about that suit brought in by scav, and had been meaning to go check it out, but I've been far too busy as of late. She must have seen this on my face, and that wonderful woman soon departed with a warm smile, and the words;

"… Thank you, Mr. Mathers. Paul and I would love to have any help making sure our son is okay. We will keep an eye on his diet in the meantime, and try to give yourself a bit of rest… Zoe Ramos has been asking about you."

She left me with a wink, and I tried to think about giving myself some rest, but I couldn't even think about Zoe Ramos. All I could think about was that kid, what he said, what he dreamed, and why I had this feeling I simply couldn't explain the whole time that kid was enjoying her candy.

I simply had no idea what to think about any of that, but I knew I might be able to learn more when I met with Paul and his family whenever he got back from his trip out there… Now I just had to have something to offer Dani and Paul by the time I sat down for dinner.

A Few Days Later

I don't know why, but the boy's dreams seemed to hit me in a way unlike what I was expecting when Dani asked if I could talk to him about his dreams. Literally nothing he said or explained was like a dream. It didn't include monsters or hallways that go on forever, and he talked about it like it was something that "happened" or something he "experienced" rather than something he simply imagined.

I am by no means gifted with prophecy, but I do a lot of one-on-ones with people in town and have occasionally been asked to interpret a dream. I do not speak for God, but psychologically speaking at least, we can sometimes learn quite a bit from dreams. Like:

Bill dreams his wife can't see him = Bill needs to have more open communication with his wife.

Or

Jack dreams he's carrying guns, but the guns don't do anything to the monster that's chasing him = There is some problem in Jack's life that is unresolved, so he needs to change the method in which he tries to solve the problem.

Joseph's dream, for whatever reason, reminded me of a time when a group of rangers my men met up with in Arizona couldn't stop talking about, "Little Well." I had no idea what Little Well was, but it was easy to figure it was probably some town back in California or Nevada. I didn't know and didn't bother to really even ask about it, or pay attention to them at their campfire that sat separate from our group's. Still, no matter what I was doing, whatever they were talking about, I kept tuning in just in time to hear the words, "Little Well," and not anymore. Then, maybe a year and some change later, my team and I found ourselves passing through the tiny 40-person town of "Little Well" on our way up from southern Nevada towards Broken Hills on our way into Utah.

I have no idea why I was thinking of that. Neither me nor the little Joseph were capable of suddenly exploding a group of armed wasters with grenade launchers and then joining a raider tribe.

By the time I was stepping up to Paul's place for dinner with his family, I still had nothing to say about their son. I did not know what was causing these dreams, what they meant, or anything. I thought back to the meeting with Dani before I interviewed Joseph.

She could confirm that Paul would only really talk to her about his time out in the wilderness, never the kids. I remember asking if she's ever noticed Paul maybe sleep-talking? Perhaps maybe saying something in his sleep during the nights when Joseph is sleeping with them?

Nope.

"Any notes? Any reports or journals Paul keeps that Joseph might have gotten into…" anything to explain why a kid whose worst experience in life so far has been a few scraped knees might dream about slaughtering his traveling partners and joining the White Legs to steer them towards Caesar?!

She told me such a thing was possible, but hearing about the dream's details from Joseph himself seemed to destroy that idea. Especially when I recalled how Dani said the boy really seems to dislike reading.

By the time I knocked on the door, the only conclusion I had was regarding who he associates with when he's allowed outside the walls. I've heard that he occasionally visits his dad on duty by the gates and is permitted to play in the market. It's no surprise at all that many kids, whether kids of refugee parents or kids from wastelander parents, etc, sometimes have all sorts of awful stories they take with them when they visit our markets. I've spoken to Gretchen in Missions Outreach who often ministers to such children about terrible things. I suppose it was entirely possible for Joseph to have heard a graphic story or two from wastelander kids that may have sparked such awful ideas… I did not want to tell Dani or Paul that it was in Joseph's best interest to keep him away from such children, since associating with people of the wasteland, even just in the market, is great for getting children within the walls familiar with different types of people. Still, by the time Dani and Paul greeted me at the door, by the time dinner was over, and by the time the kids were all getting ready for bed, and by the time I had some alone time with Paul and his wife, the best I could offer regarding their son's dreams was:

"I'd definitely make sure you two talk to him a little more, especially after he's spent time with kids of the wasteland outside the walls. See what he's been told, what he's heard, and minister to him accordingly. You may of course always send him to me if you'd like an extra hand in this…"

As shallow and probably lackluster as that "solution" was, it seemed to ease Dani, while Paul was mostly just under the impression that Dani was making too big a deal about Joseph's dreams. Dani soon dismissed herself to get ready for bed as well, but Paul stayed put at the table and appeared rather eager to talk to a man about his most recent expedition up north somewhere. He wasn't to particular with the details, my friend seeming most eager to talk about what it was like to be out there in such a fine suit of mechanized armor, and I'll admit I too had almost completely forgotten about Joseph's dream as Paul went on.

All that changed when, somewhere after he finished talking about the onboard air conditioning system within the armor, and after talking all about the .50 caliber machine gun he was able to one-hand if functionally viable, I found myself asking, "What was the Constable having you do out there anyway?"

I could see him mentally switch gears after a moment before he said; "… Oh? Doyle and I were sent up there to investigate what happened to the group of mercs Leonard sent north."

"What happened to them?" I asked, again feeling that sensation I can't explain even now.

Paul leaned in a little, glancing towards the cracked door to his and his wife's bedroom down the short hall, where Dani was still getting changed;

"… All of them killed. We still have no idea what happened, but it had to have been White Legs since we were so deep into their territory. 18 heavily armed and experienced men and two Brahmin all killed before they could even fire a shot from the looks of things…"

I gulped, that feeling intensified within me, and he added;

"… There wasn't a single sign of battle, no shell casings in the dirt or in the cracks of the road. The only thing that stood out at all was four craters that looked like they were from some mines or grenade blasts… and a pile of burned corpses."

With even more thoughts swarming around in my head, I asked my friend, "Were there any signs of survivors?"

Paul leaned back, we heard Dani close some drawers in the other room, and he said, "… Nope, not a one… honestly, it was hard to get an accurate count since the bodies were burned probably a week before we showed up on the scene. The wind scattered a good chunk of the pile… Anyway, Constable, Doyle, and I are still trying to piece the thing together, but I suppose the particulars don't matter in the end, given what happened…"

Dani joined us at the table once again in her evening gown and robe, a sign that Paul and I were to wrap this dinner up as soon as we could. After Paul and I's brief greeting to Dani, I knew the violent part of our talk was over, and I saw the distraught look on Paul's face, wondering if I was giving one myself. I asked him;

"Are you alright, Paul? You seem a bit more disturbed than usual by that scene you saw out there."

Dani looked at her husband, seeming to ask him to tell her about it later, and my friend said with something of a shrug;

"It's nothing. I just knew one of the guys who was on Leonard's merc crew… sorta… I don't know if you heard some of the buzz from the guards about a tribal-looking man with creepy-looking eyes and dreadlocks?..."

He looked at me in a way to ask if I was familiar with the man of description, and I answered honestly;

"I believe I've heard the occasional mention of a man with that description.. From what I understand, he also wears a black duster with an American flag symbol on the back?"

He gave a short grin before his face immediately returned to sorrow, "That's the one… Anyway, I just got to hear a bit of his story. Even got to share my testimony with him. He's a nice enough guy, or rather, 'Was,'"

I asked sincerely, my brain still swarming, "Why do you say 'Was',"

He looked at me, and glanced at his wife who only gave a yawn, before turning back to me, "I saw what happened to those mercs… Pretty sure he was part of the pile if he didn't stumble his way to Jude. The whole attack took place almost equal distance between Jude and the GSL…"

Still thinking, I didn't know what any of this meant, but wondered why that strange feeling persisted before Paul concluded;

"… We hate to kick you out Mr. Mathers, but I'm pretty spent from the trip, and Dani looks pretty beat as well, ha…

We stood up, I wasn't sure what to say, and then Paul said, "… Thanks for such a lovely night, we'll do it again soon… But speaking of Joseph's dreams, we should send Joseph your way again… That friend of mine in Leonard's late merc crew was the subject of another one of Joseph's nightmares a few weeks back. He'll have to tell you about it, but maybe there's something else you can help us out with regarding that poor boy, haha…"

I still did not know what to say, but I stood in their doorway, embraced Paul, embraced his wife, and finally could only leave them with the words;

"Please, send Joseph my way again soon… I think he really might be quite… unique."