Title was taken from the lyrics of the very first song in the Hamilton musical.

How long had it been? How long had it actually been? Not since it happened, but since he'd last thought about it. Because someone like Hachiman could never forget something like that. Not when he'd thought everything would be alright, that life had turned around for the better.

Back when college was starting, back when his high school romantic comedy ended.

"You're trying too hard, Yuigahama." Leaving high school had its benefits. For one, he didn't have to see the same shitty faces all day every day. It freed him from having to think about having to go through pointless courses, hear mind-numbing conversations, and all of that just to spend some time with the people he cared about. It was so much easier to hang out at home, or somewhere they agreed.

He should've known that Yuigahama arriving alone was a bad omen, but he'd promised himself he should let things play out a bit more. Cut out the judgment a bit, like Hiratsuka-sensei had last advised. And maybe, just maybe, seeing things a bit more positively would make them actually be better.

"I…" Yuigahama couldn't look at him straight to the face. She'd pushed him, landed on top of his stomach. And her advances had taken him by enough of a surprise that he couldn't really resist her at first. But when she tried to push further, when her lips came so close to his that he could almost smell her skin, his mind clicked in place. He pushed her face away, and did not lower his hand even while he felt the eye he was covering get wet "I…"

"What's going on, Yuigahama?" His voice was small, almost a whisper. It might have been taken as having tact, as giving the girl the space she needed instead of getting mad or pressing her for answers. That'd be a lie. Hachiman was simply way too confused to do anything, too on the defense to summon more of his emotions.

Many things raced through his mind. Their friendship, his own relationship to Yukino, all the moments they'd gone through together. He always knew Yuigahama didn't see the world through his eyes. That, amidst the three, Yuigahama would always be the one with the most innocence. The one that saw things as a little less bad, to say it in a way that makes sense, compared to Yukino and Hachiman himself. Maybe that's what made things not work, maybe the closeness to Yukino was the tipping point in their relationship, and now it had strained to a point where it couldn't be fixed.

That, too, was a lie.

The two of them cared enough to understand, they saw each other's differences and did their best to meet them halfway. At the beginning, it's not like they did it consciously or well. Hell, half of their problems was giving each other too much space for fear of backlash; for fear of losing whatever they had going before Hachiman confessed.

It pained him to no end to admit that the first thing that he felt was betrayal. That his first instinct was to raise his defenses, taint the mental image he had of Yuigahama.

Thankfully, he'd always been too much of a coward. And seeing her last-ditch effort of putting up a front crumble in front of him made him realize how badly he'd reacted. When the girl with pinkish hair hugged him and started crying without saying another word, his heart sank to the bottom of his stomach.

She didn't say anything, she didn't need to.

How could he look himself in the mirror and not shy away from how self-centered he was? A terrible move, it'd been. But Hachiman should've known one of his closest friends well enough to understand the tells of someone asking for help. He should've realized that nothing was alright, that she was giving signs of something being amiss. And, although her actions had no justification, he should've read between the lines and reached out first.

But what could a lonely boy do when he just learned how to care, how to share? What does a loner do when one of those precious few has her world fall apart? Work hard? Try to understand? What does one do when their best is not enough? When the game changes and the cards turn all into losing bets?

Sometimes it's better to quit when you're ahead, sometimes it's safer to fold.

Hard work betrays none, but dreams betray many.

And Hikigaya Hachiman might be many things, but brave is not one of them.

"You're trying too hard." Maybe he should've listened to Komachi, maybe they should've allowed Ebina and Zaimokuza to go on ahead. Maybe they should've left while Hachiman was thinking straight in spite of the headache.

From the moment Saitou-san traced the rules of engagement for the first time, Hachiman had known that he should do better. That he should listen to the woman's warnings, that he should've let things progress with normality. He didn't think he'd done especially terrible: he let Hoshino see how lame he could be, let her know how little he actually did, how little he could hold a conversation. He made bad jokes, sent cat pictures, didn't always reply on time.

Perhaps he'd lulled himself into a false sense of security, maybe he'd convinced himself that the little pieces of the puzzle called Hoshino Ai he picked were just things that the human brain did. That pulling similarities and correlating one thing to another is just how the brain works. Millions of years of evolution surely made it be a quirky organ, right? Just a primitive imperative trying to keep the individual alive even through modern times.

He should've known better.

The camera went off, which made Hachiman blink as he felt Hoshino's hold on him tighten. Not because she pulled him any closer, but because her muscles had tensed to the point that it was noticeable to him. It didn't hurt, but it did bring his attention to his mouth. And from that to the room they were all in.

He'd tried to let things slide; to accept the generosity from the idols and pretend he didn't do the most embarrassing thing in front of the whole group he's ever done in quite a while. And maybe that, the anticipation, or the stress of being surrounded by so many people and under so much noise had eroded his defenses.

Maybe he was just an idiot. He didn't even have the excuse of knowing Hoshino for that long. He'd never even seen her outside of the hospital room, out of character.

Maybe the wonder of how different it'd be clouded his senses. Intellectually, he'd known that he'd find no trace of Hoshino here. That no one would greet him in a lame way, telling him she was exhausted. He should've known he'd find no trace of exhaustion, no hint or tell of all the effort that went into every detail of her presentation, and that there would be only the face he'd seen at the beginning. The bright, star-eyed young woman at the top of the world.

No trace of the girl who almost got herself killed for not being that star.

Except… That's also a lie, isn't it? He'd seen the presentations, the sneak filming. He'd been told what to expect and what lines not to cross. No last name, no special greeting, no see you later. It had to go right, it needed to line up. And although Hachiman hated every word on principle, he'd been willing to swallow his feelings because now he knew that they didn't matter. Hoshino's safety came first.

Life does not care for opinions, it simply unfolds. It waits for no one to make up their minds, it simply drops the consequences of their inadequacies.

Perhaps the contrast of his expectations and reality made him take things too personally… But also, somewhere inside his mind, the instinct of cutting things off resurfaced. Stopping the girl trying to kiss him before something happened that they'd both regret.

A heartbeat passed.

"Rude? I'm not that tall, y'know." It felt like an eternity, like time had stopped and Hachiman could feel the girls behind him and Hoshino tense up. Like he could see a notification that he'd messed up, that a relationship gauge had taken a dive. And yet, Hoshino took it in stride, taking only a couple of seconds too long to react.

Everyone moved away from the others, sort of expanding and making some room to go back to arms' length. Hachiman, too, moved to his right as Hoshino stiffly released him. Like she didn't want to uncoil her arm but was forced to. Her fingers still ran through his shirt, letting his skin feel her nails as they traced a line through it before losing the contact entirely.

Her smile was the same as when he first saw her. Happy-looking, almost unthinking. She didn't seem to take offense in his words, and ignored the pregnant silence that came from Hachiman opening his mouth in an otherwise silent room.

"That's not…" His mind didn't process her intentions quickly enough, and it continued in a straight line in spite of the feeling of having put his foot in his mouth. He was nervous, dreading for the girl in front of him. But not in a way that he could help. Not now.

"So should I just not appear in the photo? C'mon now, I'm also part of the group y'know~." The girls that had been farther from them looked a bit confused, and the way they stared at the ones diagonally and behind Hachiman told him that those were extremely perplexed. Sort of caught out of the loop, if they'd been in it since Hachiman's group entered.

"Onii-chan, this is why I don't go out with you." Komachi scoffed, crossing her arms and looking kind of mad "Can you at least behave today? For me?"

"It's alright, Komachi-chan!" The idol beamed and waved her hands in front of her, sounding somewhat embarrassed "It's not the first time we've met someone contrarian. Right girls? It's not too strange to meet guys trying to act stubborn and rude to get attention. Not at all."

"Well, I mean, it happens sometimes." One of the girls behind Hachiman (had Hoshino called her Kyun?) sounded unconvinced but apparently agreed with Hoshino. Or so her tone indicated.

"It's a pain, to be honest." Another of the girls added, coming from behind Hoshino "But not something we're not used to."

"Right, right?" Hoshino pointed a finger at Hachiman, winking with a cheeky smile "Alas, your trickery is obvious! We're pros after all, so why not leave behind all the posturing and accept you're beyond elated to be here~?"

Guh!

Hachiman took a step back, his trepidation changing to one more akin to embarrassment. He knew that Hoshino would prioritize her own image, but he honestly didn't expect to be thrown to the wolves that easily. Somewhere in his heart, the girl that had confessed to have family problems to him would at least hesitate to do so. Even if for a moment.

It also dawned on Hachiman how little he could read her face. Her actions screamed barely contained self-restraint, but her eyes and smile left nothing exposed. No tells or quirks, like an actual mask perfectly crafted to fit seamlessly where "Hoshino" should've been. Like he was in front of some form of doppelganger.

He knew hidden intentions, he'd faced them. The difference was that, someone like Hayama had allowed Hachiman to read him at some point. He'd been human in his way of lying, a man of habits and quirks. Hoshino? In this moment, in this room, felt a lot more like a Yukinoshita Haruno to him: The mask felt real enough that he could not guess, could not attempt to understand what laid beneath. He had nothing to work with, no context to gain. He had nothing.

He didn't know whether to be terrified or amazed, because Haruno had always been an abnormal woman. And although Hachiman understood that this is what being a pro means, his instincts still told him to push her away. To protect himself from something he could not understand.

Because being in the dark is terrifying, because not knowing make him lose his mind.

What was he feeling now? Was it embarrassment, actually born out of social pressure? Or was it something more primal, more self-serving? A fear born out of experience, of being beaten into submission time and again?

Was all of this fair to Hoshino?

"I… I'm not…" His words were stuck in his throat. For all the things he wanted to say, nothing really fit or came easily to his mind. Had he been allowed to turn around and run, he'd have done so. But everyone's attention had been drawn by Hoshino, and by proxy to the recipient of her own.

"Aww, you're so embarrassed~."

Hachiman almost chocked, and his thoughts became even more incoherent. Unable to even mount a counter like he'd do with other people.

He'd been in situations where all he wanted to do was to hide under the bed and scream before. It was the story of his life, after all. But this? It was hell. Maybe because of the mental image he had of Hoshino, incomplete as it was. Maybe because he thought he was smart enough to see the threads of her being behind the mask. The less-than-pleasant strings that make the cute mascot sewed into a glove, into a sock.

Being teased by someone so Hoshino-looking but that was clearly not Hoshino made his brain short-circuit. In this room, under the judging gaze of everyone, the guidelines he'd insisted himself to follow backfired on him. Restraining him from saying anything that'd blow the cover of someone who wasn't even here.

"Hmmm, you're not so threatening after all." The idol put a finger on her chin, tilting her head while taking a step forward.

Hachiman took a step back without thinking.

"Could it be that you wanted to use your sister as an excuse to be here? Did you think that arguing with Miyako-san would make you stand out? Say some smart things and stay in everyone's minds? Those are such innocent, honest thoughts." Her smile became a little warmer, but her eyes reflected so much life that they didn't seem to be capable of anything else. Not even mirroring the glee that her tone and mouth would suggest "It's kind of cute."

Then, all of a sudden, she spun on her heels and walked away. Moving a finger in the air like a marching band director.

"But too bad! Ai-chan figured you out! It might've been a little endearing in its own way, but it's not the first time we face this! Your plan has been foiled, I'm afraid." She went all the way around the tables, being the first to go back to her seat and smugly taking her marker to motion in Hachiman's general direction "I'm a pro, so I'll say this only once: it's true that we remember our most ardent fans, those that come and send letters all the time. We carry them in our hearts. We're people too, how can we not appreciate all the LOVE given so selflessly."

For a moment, for the briefest of moments, Hoshino opened her mouth without saying anything. Like she was sucking in air, like she'd talked more than necessary. Or if she'd said something that made the real person reel back.

It was gone before Hachiman could even blink.

"So, if you wanna get our love? I suggest doing the same." Hoshino pointed the marker downward and slammed it against the table. Making the cap break and the tip get ruined against to covers "Bad fans get nothing, only oblivion. Got it?"

Hachiman was so preoccupied sucking every bit of information coming from Hoshino's body that he almost didn't hear his friends falling in line, answering like some military general had spoken.

"Got it?" She repeated, and nothing of her smile had changed except that it held no warmth at all. It felt as artificial as the cheer in her eyes, as matter-of-fact as the way Yukinoshita Haruno looked at him.

Hachiman pressed his lips into a thin line, holding back the wave of disappointment his tortured mind gave him.

"Bet." He turned around when he realized the other girls were copying Hoshino, going back to their spots in spite of the palpable tension around. The comparison to Zaimokuza and Ebina's reaction to Hoshino's tone came back to mind. It felt as though they'd felt a tug, a pull of some sorts, and they were obeying.

It felt like he was looking at something that he shouldn't. It felt as though he was seeing them want to speak up, say something, intervene. But Hoshino's sheer aura kept them silent.

He thought back on her confessing to feel lonely as he glanced at the Saitou couple, watching over the group like guards would to their prisoners.

He didn't even say anything as his group awkwardly chose to leave. The image engraved in his mind was too bitter to care. Maybe he should've said something, do what he did best just to get that extra context to understand the dynamics hidden behind smiles and practiced movements.

He did no such a thing, for he shouldn't be prying on Hoshino's life like that. He'd take the loss and move on.

People might get the wrong idea about Hikigaya Hachiman a lot of the time. But when they come to the conclusion that he's a coward… They're not really wrong.