There are no excuses. No amount of rationalization or self-justifications could make up for what he was doing. For what he was letting Hoshino do. He should've known better, stopped her and told her to simply talk inside the house. To remain within the boundaries that Hiratsuka's home afforded him.

But he didn't, he let himself be made defenseless. He allowed Hoshino to pull him into a territory where he didn't have any advantages. And the result was… This. Feeling just how small she was, how thin in spite of the baggy clothes she wore, how the goosebumps that ran through her body made her change her advances to the point that Hachiman's mind could not hope to adapt. All he could do was throw the concentrated desire that the first kiss had made him accumulate, release the very thing that he wanted to hold back. That would make him do something terribly stupid.

And do something terribly stupid he did.

"Ah." Hoshino had looked like a normal girl for a moment, right when Hachiman managed to scramble his brain to get her to stop. Seemingly losing some of her shine when his flaw-filled logic entered her brain. Yet, even now, she'd returned to being as stunning and vibrant as he'd seen her both on stage and right after she was done with all of his rationality. "Given everything that has happened so far, it's probably better if I say it outright…"

Hoshino had more freedom of movement, of thought. Hachiman still felt in a daze. Carried only by the way he just needed to walk on a straight line to go back to Hiratsuka's house, because otherwise he'd not be able to keep to himself. The things he felt, the things his brain made him notice… What the hell? How was he supposed to go back? Perhaps the rush still kept his mind from realizing that he wasn't thinking straight. But in that moment, even telling Hoshino to think of her mom had been a huge effort.

"…I really don't intend to put my career on the line. I can't afford to do that." Hoshino looked away sheepishly as Hachiman stopped in his tracks and stared dumbly at her. "So, I'm sorry. You've seen how it is when there's eyes on me. I hope you can understand."

His heart was still racing, his jeans still hurt a bit, and his lungs still felt like they needed oxygen directly from a breather. And yet, Hachiman's mind started buzzing all the same as Hoshino chuckled awkwardly, scratching her cheek before reaching out to his hand.

"So, while we're alone…"

"Ah, I'm glad." Hachiman spoke before Hoshino could intertwine her fingers with his, giving him a chance to properly face her and pull his hand back without thinking.

"Eh?" Hoshino brightened up a bit when she saw Hachiman smiling a bit. "I knew you'd understand."

His expression became bitter, but it really was a relief. The way these emotions conflicted left him a bit more breathless, but he understood that these things happened. That feelings that would seemingly be opposites sometimes mixed up to form something else. Complex, illogical, but human all the same.

He'd know, Yui would know.

"Yes. You just took me by surprise. I…" Hachiman looked away, trying to keep calm. Keep Hoshino from doing anything else before he could remember how to walk and talk at the same time. Go back to the safety to Hiratsuka's home. "I'm not used to these things."

"Oh? Is that right?" Hoshino clapped her hands together, seemingly delighted by what she was hearing. "I thought Miyako-san would've explained. I'm really good at what I do, so maybe I should've told you. Or maybe I was too aggressive back then… Even the others realized something was amiss when we met, I think. So that's my bad."

…

What is she talking about now?

"But don't worry. As I said, I did do this before. I know how to handle things." Hoshino gave him a thumbs up, positively sparkling now.

Hachiman's expression fell even further.

"But, Hoshino." The way she handled this helped him sober up, get his thoughts in order. Being reduced to a guy, little personality and more instinct, had been a really weird experience. But, fortunately, people like Hachiman can't really "just" a guy. If that was the case, his life would've been so much easier. Blending in with people, going unnoticed. Which would've been better than being the target of ridicule and contempt even from his teachers. In the end, even now, Hachiman could never stop being 'that kid' who just so happened to have managed to grow up. "There won't be a next time, will it?"

Hoshino's light-hearted vibe ceased immediately.

"…Eh?"

"You'll keep your word, right? That that would be a one-time thing." He lied with the ease of someone whose mind isn't wholly present, of someone whose worries are only just catching up. Carried by the momentum that Hoshino himself forced him into. "Don't get me wrong, I won't judge you or anything. It's your life, you choose how to lead it."

Hoshino's expression became basically unreadable with the way she stared blankly at Hachiman, mouth agape. Still inviting, but that was only his hormones talking.

"Do you think I'm that kind of person?" Her words had little to no inflection. They weren't cold, they just lacked a certain something that could've clued Hachiman about her feelings. But that alone told him enough.

"I know you're under a lot of pressure, dealing with a lot of things." His response was pragmatic, a bit avoidant but there was little to no chance of keeping the conversation on track otherwise. "I get it. Things are rough, we don't bring our A-game. It's… It's okay."

It wasn't. It really wasn't. Hachiman brain had become a half-melted down, half-frozen mess that had a hard time making sense of his own emotions. It scared him, because he liked to believe that he could at least sit back and take apart the way his own mind worked. If given enough time, Hachiman would be able to come up with an answer. And yet, here and now, everything was falling on top of him. Making this already slow process creep into a halt.

The anger of having Komachi be involved in this, of seeing her injured, the anger at Hoshino's fake persona, the confusion and fear from the glimpses he'd seen of her life, the sympathy of seeing someone so alone in spite of having what most people would've wanted… And that's not even covering her own relationships. So she broke up with her boyfriend? Really? With the guy that'd have his little brother/cousin/whatever tag along for Hoshino's concert? Was that why she felt lonely? Was it not working? Why was the kid in her house back then? What display was that, if not of a close and working relationship? What was she unsatisfied with in that? Was it something that she didn't want? Maybe too fast for her?

Hoshino's life was a trainwreck happening in real time in front of Hachiman, and he couldn't look away. His mind refused to leave it all behind, to not attempt to do something. To try to stop the tragedy-in-the-making in front of him. Perhaps because he is stupid, or for some buried feeling of wanting to do good, do what he did in high school when he got better. Perhaps, even, he wanted to honor the memory of Yukino. Not the one that left him when he needed her the most, but the bright and cold Ice Queen he'd first met. Perhaps he wanted to cherish the idea of her at her strongest. To say that those experiences were not in vain.

But… All those things were lies, right? All of them were excuses.

No matter what he might think afterward, what strange idea he could put up at the forefront of his mind, reality was a lot simpler: There was someone clearly crying for help, someone who Hachiman thought he'd already helped. And seeing his efforts amount to nothing, seeing the life that he helped go full-speed into a crash course to be destroyed once more… That? That was pure and blistering torture.

"No, that's not… Listen. This can work. I know what I am doing." Hoshino stated with the certainty of someone who couldn't see the weight of her own actions. "I… I don't think you understood what I'm trying to convey."

"No, Hoshino. You're not listening to yourself." Turning her down gently hurt. It really did. It made Hachiman think he was doing something wrong, that he was doing things in a half-assed way again. Being unwilling to let her go yet trying to stop whatever feelings she might have, whatever relationship she might want. But, after failure and failure to get through her, Hachiman quickly realized that he would never be able to leave her alone. Not because she needed him, whether that was the case or not that's secondary. But because Hachiman would never live it down if something were to happen to this girl. "You don't understand what you're asking of me."

"I'm not asking anything of you though." She took a step back like Hachiman was trying to offend her, which made things more complicated. He really didn't want to do that; he didn't want to go full throttle on saying things that they'd both regret later on. He didn't want to play the villain anymore. "Is it that hard to understand? Didn't you feel the 'click' too? I think you did, but I don't understand why you're pretending not to now."

"You're talking nonsense." Hachiman chuckled nervously, trying to choose his words carefully.

"I am not, Hachiman-san. You are being stubborn." Hoshino jabbed a finger in his direction. "Or what? Would you just kiss anyone that came around and asked? Are you that kind of slutty man?"

Hachiman ignored the accusation so he didn't focus on how ridiculous it sounded.

"Hoshino… How did we meet?" He switched tactics immediately. He already knew that beating around the bush wouldn't work, even if Hoshino said she knew how to do things. He'd have to lead her to the answer. Ignoring her feelings, pushing forward. Not giving up.

"What does that have to do with anything?" She looked away, pretending to be angry. Now Hachiman's head started working overtime.

"How did we meet, Hoshino?" He insisted, knowing that this girl didn't want to face it. Knowing that someone like her would always knowingly and willing shy away from the truth.

That's fine, she can try. Hachiman has played this game for quite some time after all.

"Do you think it's because you saved me?" Hoshino smiled with some pity in her expression, bring again. Practiced. Perfected. Now it struck Hachiman just how breath-taking she could make herself seemingly at will. But they were past simple physical attraction. "That I'm just a dumb little girl swooning for her hero? Don't look down on me like that, Hachiman-san. I know what I want. I have never had it more present in my entire life."

What she wants, huh? Yes. When desires get in the way, there's precious little to be done. A rude awakening isn't always what is needed, or enough. For that matter. Sometimes desire, dreams, cloud people's minds. And they willfully double down on their self-sabotaging behavior because they'd rather pretend that they're "following their heart" instead of harming themselves. And that's not even mentioning how some people wish for things that they simply can't have.

Hard work betrays none, after all. But dreams betray many.

"Hoshino, you do realize that there's priorities. Right? I… I don't know what you're talking about." What she could possibly see in someone like Hachiman. "But you are smart, smarter than I've given you credit for. You ought to understand what I'm trying to tell you."

"And you need to trust me!" Hoshino approached him, taking his hands between hers. "Mistakes are to be learned from. I… I don't know what hangups you might have, but we can work them out! You can show me, and I can learn. I am certainly a smart girl. If someone like you joins forces with someone like me… Aren't we basically unstoppable?"

Hachiman reversed the grip, releasing one of his hands while taking Hoshino's with the other. And drove them to his belly while he pulled his shirt. Placing her cold hands over his skin. Making Hoshino flinch.

"Can you feel them?" The scars stung against the coldness of Hoshino's hands. Or perhaps his brain was playing tricks, making connections where there were none. All the same, it was uncomfortable. But Hachiman pressed on. "Can you tell that they are there?"

Hoshino's face looked like she was going to melt. Like her brain had been scrambled from that. But her eyes didn't leave Hachiman's face, they remained trained on him.

"Can you tell, Hoshino?"

"Y-Yeah…"

"Why do I have them?"

"That's…"

"Why, Hoshino?"

"Because I made a mistake." Hoshino pulled her hand, anxious. Not looking at Hachiman anymore. "But I know I have to be more careful now, I can become better."

"Hoshino, you're gambling your life on a whim." Hachiman took her hands between his now, sounding a bit more desperate than he meant to show. "I… Whatever desires, whatever hopes and dreams you may have, they won't mean shit if you lose the bet and wind up right back at that door. Where I cannot follow you."

He could've told her that she was being ridiculous, that she simply didn't want to face the fact that she'd died. That, one way or another, she was dragging Hachiman into a world he had no place. Into a darkness that would swallow them both in the most beautiful and horrible way possible.

He didn't.

Although he thought all of these things were the truth, in the end, he did want to do things right. He did want to help, to lead the way like he hadn't been able before. Like he should have, years back. So he chose his words, he paused, held Hoshino so she couldn't run away. Stayed patient.

If the truth is not used with kindness, it is not the truth. It is only another weapon to hurt people. The genuine thing Hachiman had been looking for all this time was like this. It understood, it helped. It gave finality. It didn't tear people apart. It did not harm. Such is the reality of being social creatures, of bonds that lasted beyond bad memories. The thing that kept humanity in the right and narrow, when it chose to give its back to evil. The effort of meeting people halfway, of selflessness.

You're being stupid and selfish, Hoshino… It can't be it. That cannot be Hachiman's answer. It'd be no different than playing the villain, it might not even get the point across and just make Hoshino hate him. And, regardless of whether that did push Hoshino in the right direction or not, Hachiman would be a fool to think he'd be able to live the fact afterward.

"You can be with me! Ichigo-san can give you a way for us to keep meeting, you can make a career close by!" Hoshino took her hands back, moving to mess with Hachiman's hair like she was a stylist. "It can work out. It'll be a funny story when my time at B-Komachi runs out. We can…"

"I will not be the reason why some creep with lack of female affection tries to stab you again." Hachiman stated, shaking off Hoshino's hands. "I can tag along for as long as you need me. I won't shy away from the responsibility of forcing you to face your problems. But that's it, I cannot live knowing that I am risking your life."

Hoshino's hands dropped to the sides, making the expression she had twist into something more natural. More human.

"You don't understand… It's not what you think."

Hachiman gave her a pained smile.

"And yet it matters enough that you can't talk about it." Hachiman scoffed.

"I… I don't want to lie to you."

"And yet that's all you've been doing. Even now, isn't it?" Hachiman shook his head.

"That's…"

"Half truths are not different from trying to trick people. You have to cut them just right. They're effective, convenient. And, therefore, deliberate." Hachiman's voice became softer as he placed his hands on Hoshino's shoulders. "I know you're not doing this out of malice, or a desire to hurt anyone. I know that you're just trying to survive, Hoshino. I know this very well. That's why I won't hate your lies, I can take comfort in knowing that letting them slide keeps you safe."

She looked so lost now, so small. Hachiman hadn't even realized how much taller he was compared to her, and it brought back to mind how slim she'd felt in his embrace. How fragile she'd been.

"But what about what I want?" Her voice hadn't become small, it hadn't become pathetic. She simply wanted an answer to a very important thing, to something that she needed more than anything. To call her those things would be a disservice to the girl struggling to go on in spite of the horrible things she'd witnessed. "Why do I have to put it away? Why should I keep waiting?"

Hachiman looked away.

"You have to live with your choices, Hoshino." Hachiman sighed. "You're famous, successful. You can't just throw all of that away. How hard was it?"

"You don't understand the industry." She pushed him on the chest, forcing him to take a step back. "You don't understand the things I understand. I know my way around this world, not you. I am…!"

Hachiman tilted his head when she expected him to answer.

He didn't.

"I am Ai-chan." She finished in a smaller voice.

"And I hope that you finish being her at your own pace." Hachiman offered her a small smile, the best that the pit in his stomach afforded him. "Not when someone finally gets to you and puts you 3 meters under."

"I can't wait, though. I need it now." Hoshino looked ready to do something reckless again. Something they'd both regret. So Hachiman caught her hands before she could use them. "I can't keep living like I have."

"That might be so, but that doesn't mean you have to throw away your life for it."

"I'd die for it, I want it. I need it." The fire in her eyes was cute, in a way. But Hachiman was well beyond appreciating the way she kept pushing for that sort of reaction. He couldn't even begin to comprehend how long she'd done so that it came so naturally now.

"No dream is worth your life."

"That's because you understand what you want!" Hoshino pulled her arms away again, genuinely angry now. "You've seen it! You've touched it! What about me?! What about being only able to grasp at threads that go nowhere?! Look on from a distance?! Why can you pursue your dreams but I have to wait?!"

Hachiman's smile grew. It was a pitiful thing to look at.

"I abandoned my dreams some time ago. I stopped looking, gave up." He looked down, barely seeing his feet because the street light didn't reach him that well. "It's not the only thing I stopped doing. I… I've let a lot of things slip."

"But you still have a family, you still have friends…" Hoshino didn't look like she understood. But that was fine, Hachiman had clued into the fact that they wouldn't be able to do that now.

"I am lucky, yes. But you have a family too, right?" Hachiman tilted his head. "Look at all the things Saitou-san has done for your sake, the risks she's taken."

"That's…"

"Any other manager would've let you rot, squeeze you out for every cent. And then thrown you out when you turned out to be more trouble than it's worth." Hachiman scoffed. "Hell, your dad? He's probably screaming at the mirror right now trying to figure out where he went wrong. How he can reach out to you."

"He's… He's not my dad, not really…" Hoshino looked at the floor, confused. "We're not a family."

Hachiman scoffed again.

"I don't think so, I don't think so at all. But it's something I shouldn't meddle with." Hachiman reached out, letting his hands hang in the air while the girl that shone like the sun looked at him helplessly. "I can only offer you what I can give. And it might be nothing in the end, but I'll still do what I can."

Hoshino looked down again, taking the first step forward.

"It solves nothing."

"Solving problems requires time, a good head on the shoulders, and some help." Hachiman replied.

"I'm still so lonely…"

"I am not leaving. I just can't let you ruin your life after saving it." He replied, seeing Hoshino take a second step forward.

She looked up, staring into his eyes with the glower turned into a bottomless void.

"But I want you to love me."

"…" Hachiman's expression became even more bitter. He knew he should give her feelings more weight, honor the way she let them out. Trusted him with them. He couldn't bring himself to, because it might weaken his resolve. "I can't love you, Hoshino. I can't let myself be the reason you come in harm's way."

Her expression broke until there was no star to be found. Just a small, helpless girl that chose to cling to the wrong person.

Hachiman closed his arms around her, placing his cheek on top of her head.

"You don't get a single thing." Hoshino complained, voice sounding as wet as her eyes had been before she hid against Hachiman's chest.

"We're the same in that regard." Someone was coming, steps getting closer in a way that made Hachiman turn around, making Hoshino face the opposite direction. Having her back to the stranger that had gone through the trouble of making their approach known.

Saitou-san had a complex expression when the street light illuminated her face.

"Sorry to interrupt." Was all she said, eyes squarely on Hoshino's back.

"It's okay. She probably needs you more than ever." Hachiman's expression became neutral, unwittingly shielding his heart before this woman could meddle with affairs she had no business knowing. "Hoshino? Mom's here."

The girl with purple hair released him, slowly turning to face the brunette waiting for her.

"Ai…"

"Sorry." Hoshino used her sleeve to dry her face, schooling her features with a dexterity that even Saitou-san found a bit unsettling. Becoming once more the Hoshino Ai that she was while under people's gaze. "I was… Phew. That was rough, huh."

Saitou-san's expression became gentler.

"I can't imagine how much." She reached out, offering Hoshino a hand. "Let's go home."

"Yeah, let's… Yes." Hoshino's glow hadn't returned, but at least she was presentable enough that Hachiman began resenting the mask a bit when she turned to face him. "I… I'll see you around, right?"

Sorry, Hoshino. He might not have said the whole truth. Hachiman would do his best, of course. But lies? They still made Hachiman unreasonable. They scared him.

"Of course. Gotta scam Saitou-san for all he's worth." He snapped his fingers, looking at the brunette woman with a knowing look.

"Ah haha…" Hoshino shook her head. "I… I hope it's different this time, compared to how we've met…"

Hachiman nodded, noticing Saitou-san's stare remaining on him.

"What? She's the one that said it, not me." He grumbled, putting up a bit of a front while swallowing the vile rising in his stomach.

"Thanks, Hikigaya." She didn't wait for him to reply, didn't even seem to care for his reaction. Saitou just put a hand on Hoshino's shoulder and led her away. Going back to wherever she'd parked the vehicle she'd arrived in.

Hachiman waited until they were out of his sight to resume walking.

The walk back to Hiratsuka's home felt cold and pointless. Lonely.