Chapter 4: Aftermath of the Tower

They left for Gryffindor Tower shortly afterwards. On the way back, it was like they had made a pact without actually making it; the silences between them were long, but not exactly uncomfortable. They both had many thoughts dizzying their heads, but elation and relief, the kind that comes after openness and acceptance, had enfolded them both.

Albus was finally catching up with his inner workings, mentally replaying the last two months, but this time to study himself, and not Nerya. Nerya on the other hand, didn't want to spoil the aftertaste of a beyond words amazing evening. She wanted to relish the existence of the person walking next to her, and she was finally allowing her wonder and fondness for Albus to unfold and wash over her wholly; something that until then she hadn't been able to properly give in to, because she was heeding reason and trying to be careful.

To each other they feigned fatigue and sleepiness to cover for their introversion, and neither he nor she was uncomfortable with that. Because they knew that this inner reckoning was long overdue, and after it was settled, and they were once more true to themselves, they would be free to focus wholly on each other.

More quickly than Albus had anticipated, they were standing in front of the doors to the dormitories.

Nerya curtsied in mock somberness; ''My Lord, this has been a most eventful and enjoyable evening'' , so Albus cleared his throat and kissed her hand in retaliation ''My Lady, I am very glad you were pleased'' . He punctuated the last word, looking at her archly.

''How can you be so full of yourself and not irritate me?'' Nerya sighed, eyes narrowed playfully, not breaking eye contact.

''What goes around comes around'' Albus let her hand and retreated backwards to the door, smiling archly still.

And then they both cracked a shy smile, said their goodnights and went to bed.

'Alright, I'm doomed' Albus thought to himself, and an idiotic, wide grin was glued on his face, while he changed into his bedclothes, something that took much longer than it should, mainly because he kept trying to fit both his legs into the sleeve of his shirt.

He forced himself to think, to analyse, but his heart wouldn't have it. There wasn't anything more he could logically approach, the only thing left was to accept what he had been foolishly denying. And that had already happened tonight, he had faced a part of him that most people would say was ugly; but Nerya didn't agree. She had accepted himself even before he had.

When he woke up, a few hours later, he couldn't be sure when it was exactly that his woolgatherings had become dreams.

'What in Earendil's light do you have in your head?' the voice of Nerya's mother broke her blissful reminiscence. Nerya groaned internally, while her mother's voice continued, 'we allowed you to go to that world, you didn't really leave us a better option, and now you are letting yourself get involved like this!'

Nerya shook her head forcefully, drowning her mother's voice. She rolled on her side on the bed and shut her eyes decidedly. 'I will do what you want in the end, don't you worry about it, dear Mother. But here and now I am free for the first time. And it will be my voice filling my head, not yours.'

Nerya knew deep down that her mother loved her very much. Knew that she was only looking out for her, making sure she wouldn't find herself in a difficult situation. But, firstly, she already was in a difficult situation and secondly, she was so tired, tired of reality and of what she knew was waiting for her in the future.

Now, however, she was in the present, and the present was so amazing and liberating and for the first time she was sharing it with someone who actually understood, without her having to explain what she considered obvious. Both she and Albus might need some time to fully realise it, since all their lives consisted of people who didn't understand them and usually didn't even care to try, but in the end they'd get there. With everyone else Nerya couldn't even hope for something like that. For the first time in her life she had someone who was speaking the same language she did. So she let her mind wander again. Sleep took her and her dreams were wonderful.

Albus woke up a few hours later from the tapping of an owl on his dorm window. When he opened the letter, he saw the familiar handwriting of his brother, but furthermore he actually saw his brother's mood, due to the ferocity with which he had attacked the innocent piece of parchment. He didn't need to read it to know what is was about, because Aberforth had made sure that some words would stand out, by not-so-carefully passing them over and over with his quill until they were bold enough and the parchment almost torn.

He did read it however, but only after he was properly awake, dressed and on his way to the Great Hall.

Albus

Mother and Ari wish you a happy new year.

Mother asked me to write to ask you if you need anything from home. Since you are not here, I'll have to get it for you. Don't forget yourself in your precious books again, send your reply in time, because Mother will fuss.

You chose not to write something on your Christmas letter especially for Ari to read. So this time make it up to her.

I hope you have fun there, because we are doing fine without you too.

Your brother, who is part of your family

Aberforth

P.S. since it is Christmas, a time for selflessness and joy, I have spared Mother the true reason behind your choice to stay in that cold draughty castle (I hope you haven't caught a cold by the way). Since Easter is a time for suffering and torture, I will not cover for you again.

Not even that guilt crusade could spoil Albus' good mood. He almost never laughed with his brother's overreactions, but he was always mildly to thoroughly irritated. This time however, he just ignored it, especially the P.S., which he considered empty words. There was no way Aberforth could know that, since Albus himself was barely aware of it until yesterday night. Aberforth was merely testing the waters, searching for another thing to blame Albus for. He would write his reply for Mother after breakfast. And maybe something for Arianna as well.

The corridors were cold and he had a slight headache from the drinking of the previous night. Yet his heart was light and his thoughts were wandering in and out of the wonderful, bright thing that was Nerya. He could now admit that he had stayed at Hogwarts during the Christmas break for her.

The time they shared last night was very illuminating to Albus. He could no longer ignore the tidal wave of feelings that hit him every time he was with or thinking about Nerya; his body's reaction to her presence, the slippings of his tongue, the way his eyes were magnetized by her lips, before managing to tear them away. Also, the sobriety of the morning allowed him to contemplate the importance of the previous night's pang of jealousy. For quite some time now, he had been falling for her. No point in hiding behind his finger anymore. He still had a swarm of questions about it, of course. But this cup was just too sweet not to give in.

The epiphany had cost him, like every epiphany does. He was mortified by all the embarrassment he had brought upon himself in only just one night; like getting lost in his mind, which resulted in not being an attentive listener (and to whom? Nerya! The very person that he had been obsessing about those last two months! The irony wasn't lost on him). His awkward behaviour haunted him; he had never lost control of himself like this. Last night he had been nothing short of a self-centred, dim-witted baboon, an utter wanker who had gone and gotten himself drunk, which allowed everything he had been repressing to burst out in a persistent and awkward manner. And the crowning glory of his guilt and shame, his obsession and how it had made Nerya uncomfortable.

He shivered and winced, responsive to his inner berating, but his heart couldn't dwell long in all this. Nothing really mattered anymore. She was here, she was real. She understood.

He dropped by the library to return a despicable book he had finally resorted to, in an effort to check a theory he had devised about Nerya's identity. After he had searched and searched, that particular book had been the only one he could find that contained sufficient information. 'Someone should really cover that academical hole, it's indecent'. Filthy Halfbreeds and How to Eliminate Them returned to its self, and Albus allowed disgust and embarrassment to wash over him once more. Despicable and idiotic indeed, how he abused the noble cause of pursuing the truth. What pathetic lows he had reached in order to avoid none other than himself.

But he would make it up both to Nerya and to himself.

'We have all the time in the world and I don't want to rush or force anything. I certainly do not want to see Nerya feeling so uneasy again. The answers, about me or her, will come, when they come; until then, why don't we just enjoy the ride?'' Albus was thinking, a smile covering his face, as he neared the Gryffindor table.

Nerya's thoughts were similarly occupied, but her heart was nowhere near that serene. Overnight she swam in her happiness, but morning was here now and the reality she had managed to banish to a corner of her mind was creeping back, overtaking her bit by bit. Over the breakfast she was trying – and failing – to eat, there was a specific necessity that troubled her most.

There was so much Albus didn't know. At first this hadn't caused her much uneasiness. Everyone has their secrets, their past. Albus' interest in her life was evident, he had an enquiring mind after all, but he hadn't seemed too eager to open up about this particular subject either. So she hadn't felt compelled to share anything. The time they had spent together however, had gently, slowly taken down her (honestly, weak) defences.

And yesterday night, when she was asked about home, she found that not only did she feel uneasy to lie or dance around the truth, but she was also overwhelmed by this nagging eagerness to share. To say that last night the persistence of this newfound urge had surprised her would be an understatement. She couldn't remember how long her pause had lasted, during which she had tried to force the right words out of her mouth. But the right words seemed so wrong, wrong, unfair and suffocating. And that had really shaken her.

But then she considered that in a matter of weeks, Albus, with his brilliance and understanding and kindness, had secretly become more necessary to her than other people she had known all her life. A smile covered her face as she contemplated the shared knowing glances, the playful, easy crosstalk, the teasings and laughter of the last couple of months. Meeting Albus, no matter how fleetingly, certainly was the highlight of any day. It wasn't just that he was the only one she could call a friend in her new surroundings; Albus was the only one she could properly call a Friend, period.

Right from the first everything between them was easy, easy but not boring. Casual but not insignificant. Surprising and strange yet intimately familiar. Albus had managed to lure her in, and if she wanted to be honest with herself, she hadn't really tried to resist. She hadn't wanted to. Albus made sense to her, more than any other individual she had met. When she considered staying away from him, it felt simply wrong, like trying to stay away from herself. If she had any doubts before, the hours that they spent together last night, or actually very early on this morning, evaporated them.

No, she had already proven she couldn't, wouldn't, didn't want to avoid him. She knew that reason dictated that she didn't owe anything to Albus, but nonetheless this first realisation had led to one more, which had two aspects. Firstly, fuck reason, Albus deserved more openness than he had received and secondly, it would also be so refreshing if she could for once just talk with someone openly, honestly, truly and without pressure or judgement. And she had found that someone in Albus. But in order to be able to do that, she needed to come clean with him first.

As she was absently forking around her uneaten breakfast, the fact had relentlessly sunk in: She wanted to tell Albus, and possibly had wanted it for some time before last night.

But how could she tell what her life was, who she was? Would Albus even consider believing her? So in last night's panic, she had merely scratched the surface. And he had accepted it, he had just listened. He had heard her talk about her people and mention names that must seem weird to an outsider, but all the same he had simply seemed happy and surprised that she was opening up. And frankly, that was pretty much how she had felt too.

Until then, she hadn't lied exactly. She had simply chosen to conceal anything that might seem out of place. She didn't want the risk of coming up with entirely new names she might not be able to remember, so she had just slightly adjusted the true names that she was forced to mention, so those hearing them should think that the people to whom those names belonged to were sort of Russian, like they thought she was.

In the end it was gossip most people wanted, so as long as she stuck to funny facts and relatable situations, and steered clear of weird details, both she and her listeners were covered. What she had discovered to be a human talent for not really paying attention to anyone but oneself had finished the job for her.

But Albus hadn't fallen for that as easily as the others had; that wasn't just an educated guess of hers, that was a proven fact. Albus had set out from the beginning, in hunt of the truth like a hound. A gentle and considerate one, but a hound nonetheless. And all the same, last night, Albus had simply listened. And Nerya relished both his determination and attentiveness to discover the truth, a challenge was always welcome anywhere anytime, but also that respect he had showed to her difficulty. How he had managed this fine balance, after months of curiosity, she couldn't know. But she was inclined to believe that he had seen her struggling.

Her face darkened and her brows furrowed. Last night's little common things were nothing, she thought ominously. There were a lot more, stranger and more difficult to believe.

Nerya was always called fearless back home. Well, fearless was the kindest of the words they used to describe her –headstrong, reckless, a nuisance were some of the others. But here and now, with Albus, where it was her confidence and bravery and even her cheek that she needed the most, she felt powerless, unsure, crippled by anxiousness and engulfed in pessimism.

'Isn't that a sign telling you to back off?' her mother's voice appeared again.

Nerya rolled her eyes, her face almost literally pulling into a sneer. 'No, Mother, the fact that I'm feeling like shit while trying to find the best way to spill out my big fat ridiculous secret to the gentlest and cleverest creature I have ever encountered isn't a sign telling me not to go through with it. On the contrary it tells of the great job you have done in propagandizing me about propriety, reality and sense of obligation towards my people. It certainly isn't telling of my own feelings or wants. No matter my efforts to think for myself, it seems that you have succeeded in educating me about right and wrong: with lies and falsehood I can deal more easily than with unreserved honesty. And Eru only knows how much I crave the latter right now.' She thought bitterly, tiredly. Her eyes trailed to the ceiling.

''I would ask for a Knut for your thoughts, but judging by your face that would be a disgustingly petty offer.''

Nerya slowly looked to her right, to find Albus sitting beside her, his lips twitching, dedicated to eating his breakfast. It took her a moment to realise that he was finishing his pancakes. How long had he been sitting there? She couldn't help but break into a smile. Albus started to shake slightly in his efforts to contain his mirth, the smile he was trying to suppress spreading on his face. They both sighed and sat silently for a bit.

Nerya felt some of the blackness lift from her thoughts at this further demonstration of respect. Albus had left her to her thoughts for as long as he could, because he understood that even if she was called back to the present, her mind would be wandering, so what good would that do? Again and again he was proving to her that they were so alike. The same wit, same way of thinking, even the same weaknesses, at least from what she had gathered till now.

If that isn't freedom, then what is? She had never had someone like that.

Nerya looked at him decidedly and said, almost matter-of-factly,

''I was thinking about my family and home.''

Albus stopped his movements, the surprise her straightforward answer caused was evident on his face. He took a moment to scold away the greedy curiosity that overtook him. If Nerya wanted to open up more about this obviously difficult to her matter, he couldn't allow himself to repeat last night's mistakes. He needed to show her the respect she deserved. He slowly put down his cutlery and tentatively turned to look her in the eye.

''Do you want to get some fresh air?'' he said gently and silently, with a small nod of his head towards the exit, eyes twinkling knowingly. And that tipped Nerya off.

She smiled abruptly, letting out a puff of air she didn't know she was holding. Meaning upon subtle meaning, oh Albus, you wonderful human being… two messages in the price of one innocent, considerate phrase. She stayed drinking him in for a moment, his intense but warm gaze enfolded her like a blanket. With amusement and fondness, Nerya decoded his words in her mind. 'If you want to speak, let's go somewhere more secluded. If you'd rather forget, let's have some easy fun.' How could she not want to tear down her walls, throw caution to the wind and open up completely, when Albus did this to her?

''Yes, please, nothing would please me more.''

Albus grinned. They stood and left the Great Hall.

''It is rather cold out though. Back to the dormitories for our coats?'' Albus suggested.

''Why? Has last night's drinking session taken its toll on your brain or magical abilities?''

They were on the Entrance Hall now. Albus challenged her with a raised brow, ''You wish, you minx.'' Nerya continued to smile archly. ''Let's go in here'' Albus directed them to a nearby, empty classroom.

They transfigured their upper layers of clothes, lining them with fur for further warmth, and turned their shoes into boots. Nerya internally admired herself about how many spells she had learned so very quickly. And, well, when she didn't know a spell for something, no harm in pretending to cast it non-verbally, while in reality she just poured her will into the wand and aimed it towards the wanted result. Magic and its use pre-existed incantations and wand movements, anyway.

She chuckled when Albus turned a ribbon he found in the classroom into a purple scarf patterned with snowflakes and put it around her neck. He then admired with a smile the picture it made against her white face, violet eyes and raven hair.

''My turn,'' she said, as she was tidying her hair outside the scarf. She took an old wizard's hat resting decoratively in a bookcase and made it into a purple winter hat, with a frenzy pattern of red zigzag lines and a bobble coloured half purple and half red. The colours were very lively and bright. ''May I?'' she approached him.

''How could I refuse?'' Albus smirked and raised a brow. He had intended it to mean that he couldn't turn down something she offered, but the hat was already growing on him. He made a mental note to check out the basics about knitting. Secretly from Elphias of course, because Albus was sure that he would never hear the end of the you-are-not-a-old- spinster-aunt tirade.

Nerya, grinning, put the hat on his head and backed off a bit, studying the product of her ministrations with a tilted head and a finger drumming on her lips. ''Only you could look so good in such a bold combination of colours.'' She smiled. She looked in those baby blue eyes, shyness was peeping through them, and her heart skipped a beat. ''Shall we?'' She extended an elbow suggestively.

''Shouldn't it be me saying that?'' Albus faked puzzlement, but he looped his hand in her's immediately. ''The Gentleman-and-Lady Etiquette and all that?'' He finished pompously as they started walking.

Nerya looked at him with the gentlest smile and the force and complexity of her eyes' expression hitched Albus' breath.

''I suppose we deem ourselves too different.''

Albus, feeling dizzy and lost in the most achingly sweet way possible, wouldn't have heard her response, if it hadn't been playing in his head too.

They headed to the lake side, following the path other students had opened in the snow. It was a clear day and the sun was shining. They marvelled at the beauty of the snowy landscape. The forest was wearing a snow cap and the castle's windows were glistening. They laughed when a snowman-ticore came into sight, obviously the work of some very talented students. Their conversation wasn't as easy as usual, there were pauses of silence -not entirely comfortable ones- and they stayed on light and general topics.

Albus didn't ask about what had distracted her from her breakfast. He had paid the price of his curiosity-borderline-indiscretion, and he refused to make the same mistake again. 'I must be developing a tendency for extremities,' he mused to himself with disdain. 'I should probably do something about it.' For now however he focused on Nerya. He made sure to leave some silent gaps before passing to the next indifferent topic, to show her that if she wanted to unburden her chest, he was simply glad to be of use.

Nerya wanted to talk about the elephant in the room, but didn't know how. She didn't have a clue of what to say and how to say it, of how to begin and where to focus. In every silence, she took a deep breath, but she wasted so much time trying to find the right words, that another topic appeared before she managed to speak. She also knew that Albus' discretion wouldn't allow him to start such a topic himself and for the first time her mind was exclamating 'Damn!' at said discretion. He was behaving as if they were strangers!

'But you practically are strangers. When someone doesn't know something as big as that about you, how can he claim he knows you?' a wicked, hateful voice whispered inside her head.

In spite of all the light in the scenery, darkness was taking over her mind once again. As every new topic moved the conversation further away from the burning issue, her heart was slipping further into something similar to desperation.

'What about my character? My ideas? My behaviour? Why aren't they enough?' she tried to attack back but even in her head that sounded like a very lame attempt.

'Those could be faked.' if the voice had a face, it would be sneering.

Nerya wanted to laugh, paranoidly and bitterly. 'I have never in my life behaved so honestly and truthfully around another person, let alone someone I know for a few months!'

'But you've kept important things secret.'

'Mere technicalities are not important!'

'They're part of your identity.'

'My persona you mean! My formal identification! Our real character, who we really are, is not determined merely by where we come from!'

'What if he doesn't share this opinion?'

To that she couldn't say anything. They were alike enough, in the way they thought and felt and prioritized things, but it wasn't possible to share the same opinion about everything. And actually, she didn't want them too. And during their debates, they had already proved that they disagreed in a few matters, and that's what had made the debate possible and enjoyable in the first place! But they understood and respected the other's point of view, and that was the most important thing!

She suddenly felt cold, cold and lonely.

'I cannot feel like this here too!' she thought. 'Not when Albus of all people is right beside me!' From all the exciting turns their relationship had taken, this was the first time she was experiencing any truly negative feelings. Even though she had placed barriers between them, at least for that specific matter, right now it was the first time she felt cut off, detached from him.

'Damn reality and all the atrocities it produces! Damn secrets and expectations and cowardice and weakness! I have to say something or I am going to burst!'

Again though, the question of the day popped all over her head, burning her from the inside. 'How could Albus, or anyone really, believe those things that I have to say? What if he thinks I am delusional? Or, nightmare scenario, what if he believes me and then exposes me to someone else?'

'Well done, Nerya, you've set a new record for paranoia. Albus, gossip about you, expose you? Even Mother would say that that is impossible. Weren't you just damning his discretion? Alright, the last bit is definitely out. But what about the other two?'

''I flatter myself on being a very good listener, you know.''

Albus' words, in Albus' voice were balm on her nerves. Nerya returned to the place she hadn't realised she had left. They had reached the lake now. He was looking away, to the opposite bank.

''However, I would understand it perfectly if you wanted some privacy.'' He continued, turning to face her. The kindness in his face helped Nerya to breathe more evenly.

''If I wanted that, then I wouldn't have agreed to get some fresh air.'' She replied, not looking at him. ''And I fear that it is excess of privacy that is driving the thoughts in my head out of control.'' She said nervously, her eyes darting between his direction, the ground and the lake in front of her.

Albus moistened his lips and spoke in a soft voice.

''It's obvious that something is troubling you. And if I am to judge by your usually impeccable façade, you must be truly, properly troubled this time.'' Nerya chuckled nervously at that. Albus, a bit hesitantly, took her hands tentatively in his, sighed as he was brushing his thumbs across their back, his eyes not leaving their joined hands as he spoke. Her hands burnt at this thoughtful caress. ''Please, talk.'' Nervousness could be heard in his voice too. ''If not to me, then maybe someone else, maybe you could write…?''

''You are the only person I can -no, want to -fuck that– need to talk to. But… uhm…'' she was looking at their joined hands too, struggling for the words.

''I am not going to blab about anything we discuss to anyone, you know that, right?''

Nerya shot up her eyes to meet his, ''For some reason'' she paused for a moment, smiling suggestively, ''I have never… seriously… doubted that.''

Albus smiled, relieved and amused, his nervousness dissolving. Seriously. Of course she had doubted whether he was trustworthy, so had he, they had learned that it was foolishness not to. But never seriously. He searched her face, allowing her to take her time.

Nerya's energy had somewhat returned now, her mind was a bit clearer. She started, carefully, but however slowly and calmly she tried to articulate her thoughts, they still came out jumpy and obviously nervous.

''There is this thing… this something, about me, a great, big, bubbling… something, that I have been wanting to tell you. But… I fear that you might find it… uhm…'' She was brushing his hands now, looking at them as if they were her lifeboat and her voice was more high-pitched than usual. ''Strange. To say the least.'' She said, screwing her face defensively.

Albus studied her for a second with a serious face.

''If it is any comfort, I already think of you as the strangest creature on this earth.'' He said matter-of-factly. They both chuckled, Nerya like a nervous hiccup, Albus fondly. He continued expressively after a deep breath, a sweet grin wide on his awe-struck face. ''Oh, you are just a big question mark, Nerya, from which more question marks of all sizes and colours are emitted.''

Nerya hiccupped again, searching his eyes hopefully.

Albus hesitantly brought her hands closer to his face. ''Nerya'' he exhaled, as if tasting it, while searching her misty eyes. ''Even your name is so… deliciously strange.'' And timidly placed a light kiss on her hand.

On Nerya's trembling lips had settled a gentle smile. On her cheek, a tear was glistening and she could feel her heart in her throat, beating infuriatingly quickly. In her panic she had forgotten what she was dealing with. Albus wasn't just anyone. He was brilliant but most importantly, he saw straight through her. How could their impeccable communication exist if he judged people by their wrapping paper, their exterior, their personal background? That wasn't just an opinion; that was part of one's character, one's way of looking at the world. And that was exactly where their commonality lay.

He gave her more time to recover, turning his gaze to their joined hands.

''No matter what you decide to tell me, Nerya, you wondrous mystery, it might surprise me, it might even shock me – knowing what a minx you are- but it's certainly not going to make me think…'' he searched in her eyes for the word, ''for loss of a better word, badly of you. And if you must know,'' he tilted his head and narrowed his eyes, a smile curling his lips ''I have a feeling that after all these questions, the only thing that remains for us two is the answers.''

Nerya suddenly grabbed him and hugged him tightly, shaking with relief, delight and tears. After he recovered from the sudden attack, Albus slided his hands around her frame and squeezed her as tightly as she was squeezing him. He felt her shaking against his torso, heard her sob silently close to his ear. He breathed her in, tried to decode every piece of her existence in a couple of seconds. He was overwhelmed, but it was serene and liberating. They broke off with giggles and tears –Albus had joined in, relief evident, even if he couldn't actually say what he was so relieved about.

''Albus. Oh wonderful Albus.'' She said cupping both his cheeks with her hands, while his hands rested on her elbows. With a mixture of relief, conviction and nervousness, she said in a trembling voice, ''I am so sorry, but I fear your questions have only just begun.''